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- [00:00]
A
Hey, welcome to the AllPro dad podcast. I'm Ted Lowe, and here's our big question of the week is what does it look like to take initiative with your wife and kids? In this episode, we're going to talk about the physical, mental, and emotional load that most women are carrying, why good intentions still leave a lot of couples disconnected, and how initiative isn't about doing more tasks, but about presence and partnership and taking responsibility. I'm joined today by BJ Foster, and together we unpack where couples keep missing each other and what it looks like for dads to step in without being asked or micromanaged. And if you've ever thought I didn't know why your wife was thinking I shouldn't have to ask, this conversation is for you. Let's get into it. Big question today is what does it look like to take initiative with your wife and your kids?
- [00:55]
B
Love that. I love that we're talking marriage because it's. I'm an expert.
- [01:00]
A
You are. You absolutely are. But when we're talking about initiative, you know, what are we talking about? It's not about performing things perfectly. It's not about productivity. It's about presence and responsibility and partnership.
- [01:18]
B
So I. I think that's really important is what wives want, is they want a shared partnership. They don't want to feel like they're carrying the entire load of everything. They don't want to. They want to feel like there's two adults in this working together. So good intentions with low initiative makes her feel really alone. We can have the intentions that we're going to help out, that we're going to step in, that we're going to do all these things. But if we don't take the initiative to jump in there, if we don't take the initiative to come alongside of her, then it's a marital form of passenger parenting where we sort of sit back, wait for the game to kind of come to us rather than. Rather than inserting in there. And we want to make sure that it is a partnership initiative, and that's what initiative is. Initiative is partnership. It's not control. So when a man is able to step in without being asked, he communicates. I see the load you're carrying, and I'm in. I'm in this with you.
- [02:25]
A
We did a video reel on for us marriage. We'll link it in the show notes. But I basically just defined gray divorce, people who divorce after the age of 50. And it used to be that gray divorce was 1 in every 10 couples that got divorced. Now it's 1 in 3. And so I just asked the question, why do you think that this is so our videos usually get a thousand. It's a good day for us. It got 167,000 views and a couple thousand comments. And most of them were from women, some of them very angry, but basically saying, hey, we became empty nesters. And I still continue to do everything I'd done before. I took care of everything with a house, I took care of meals and laundry. And his life is exactly the same. And there was a lot of anger in those statements and there was a lot of justification going. I just couldn't do it anymore. And so relative to what we're talking about today, it's like he didn't take initiative to begin with. And what happened when, when we came became empty nesters, was it revealed how much initiative that he did not take? Right. So I thought, wow, if there's something important for us to talk about when it comes to marriage, this is, this is one of them. I think one of the things that can happen and you started seeing what women were talking about was that they didn't feel like their emotions were ever acknowledged and just how important emotional check ins are. And it's not just, hey, how was your day? And man, I have learned that you have to stop as guys, we gotta stop and ask with purpose and intentionality, no phones and go, hey, you know, how was your day? And I have noticed Nancy knows what gear I'm in, whether I'm just being, hey, how was your day? Or how you doing? It just matter. Our tone, our presence, our availability, so important.
- [04:29]
B
Well, it's easy, I think, to get into this rhythm of okay, we have so many things we do, so we just get into the tasks. And that's what something like that does is it's, I see you beyond the tasks, I see where you are kind of emotionally. But even saying, are you okay or how are you doing? Is initiative. That's, that's finding out where they are and it's stepping into their emotional world. And that's, I think, what they want. I think, I think another thing would be planning. Planning date nights, I think shows leadership. Like, that's, that's another thing where I can, I kind of think showing initiative in that area, not saying we'll just go out, but picking the place, picking that. I think women in particular make a lot of decisions and a lot of times you're just kind of like, I just want to not make a decision. So even taking the initiative of, okay, I'M going to plan this. I'm going to pick the. But even if it's just simple, it can be good. I think even just to kind of go beyond that. And maybe this is just true for my marriage, but my wife plans our vacations and initiates the discussion about our. Our vacations a lot. And so even stepping up for that, some of that kind of planning or maybe even just the execution of it, you know, stepping into both of those things I think is. Is good.
- [05:57]
A
Well and not waiting to be prompt.
- [05:59]
B
Right.
- [06:00]
A
Decision fatigue. I think women relate to that. It's so many details. You know, when you talk about date night. My wife and I travel a lot. So when we get home, we like home a whole lot. So I have to get more creative about what that looks like. And I'm. I need to up my game. I've got no bow around this one. Bj. I need to up. I need to figure out what date night looks where two people that don't want to go out.
- [06:25]
B
Right.
- [06:25]
A
So that's where we're sitting. But I do think women love and this can't speak in generalities, but I think when a man plans out the date night. Not being prompted. But just plan this out. I have this for you. I think it can matter.
- [06:45]
B
I think a household logistics kid logistics like those are some of the things that I think it would do men to step up and pick a lane and own it. A couple of years ago, my wife came to me and she said, I'm so stressed out. I'm such a failure. Our kids need to go to the orthodontist. They haven't done it. I can't stay on top of it. They keep calling me and I'm not following through and getting their appointments. And for a while it was like, I am so sorry. And I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. And you're not a failure. You're great encouragement.
- [07:28]
A
Yeah.
- [07:28]
B
Over and over and over again. And finally after a long time, I said, do you want me to take that thing off of your, you know, off of your plate? Like, do you want me to own that? And she said that would be great. And so. So stepping into some of these logistical things, owning half of them would be good. Stepping into them, that's good because I
- [07:54]
A
think sometimes our wives have a hard time asking for help. You know, they feel a huge sense of responsibility and they shouldn't have to ask. As we're thinking about initiative, they should not be coming up with the things that they want us to Do. Conversation's great. But I think, like you said, when we pick a lane and they go, I don't have to think about anything when it comes to fill in the blank. Anything. Home repair, outside lawn, whatever. It may sound stereotypical, but she knows, you know, I don't have to have anything to do with that. I laugh that she runs to the mailbox because she wants to get inside so quickly, because she wants to know part of that certain part of our finances, vacations. She goes, I don't have to. I don't have to do anything about that. But it's just owning this lane where they can just breathe on this.
- [08:54]
B
And by the way, just let me communicate this. I took over that. And then it was. You planned his orthodontist appointment to get his braces tightened on the day we're leaving for a vacation. And so then it was my son in terrible pain for the first two days of our vacation. So. But even still, that's still better than her owning all of that. Like, yes, there's still mistakes after that. There's mistakes that are made. Made and communication breakdowns and all of that. But stepping into that is much better parenting partnership. So co parenting, like, this is what we need to be about.
- [09:43]
A
That.
- [09:43]
B
That it's not on her. We don't play a backup role. We're not the backup quarter.
- [09:49]
A
The passenger parent.
- [09:50]
B
We're not the passenger parent. We are not the backup quarterback. We. We are. We are on the field, and we need to own it like that. So we need to not. We can't leave it to our wives to kind of say, hey, our kids are dealing with this. Or did you notice that our so and so, you know, Johnny or Chase is. Seems a little down lately? We need to be focused and we need to study our kids and we need to be just as up to this as anybody. And if you're noticing things, you need to bring it to her. Like, there are times when I kind of feel like I'm starting to notice something, and I think to myself, well, she hasn't said anything, so it's probably nothing. We need to start noticing things. We need to keep our eye and our focus on our kids, to know what their moods are, where they are, what's happening in their lives and what we need to do to help improve it and to bring all of those to the table so that she doesn't feel alone in all this thing and initiates this all the time.
- [10:58]
A
So she's not the only one dialed into the kids emotionally or going, you Know I'm such a good helper.
- [11:03]
B
Right.
- [11:04]
A
When she asks, boy, I, I jump
- [11:06]
B
right in there, I step in and I have the conversation. Like, I mean, that's the thing is, are you aware that your son or daughter needs a conversation on your own or are you waiting for her to tell you, hey, they really need to hear from you at this point.
- [11:24]
A
So it's kind of like across the board. But an illustration is, hey, he's babysitting the kids tonight. I'm babysitting the kids tonight. Oh, no, no, no. That's dangerous. Where it's. You're not babysitting anybody's kids, they're your kids. So I think there can be a feel of that across the board and not just with the kids. Like, I'm helping her do this. Yeah. And I think it's being in tune with what's going on, leaning in, watching more than asking. I started noticing when I'd get home from work with Nancy, when she was staying home with her kids when they were little. By about 4:35 o', clock, by the time I got home, she looked like she'd been ran over by a train. It's just, it was so much. And I just started taking over bath time and I kind of loved it because we were idiots. And I was like, I got it. So I took over bath time. So she knew, if I can make to this point, bath time, owning it. He owns the whole thing. He can do Jimmy's. Get him in the bed, read the story, that, that whole piece. And here that's not always easy too. I'm exhausted from work and they're thinking, ah, but there was the love of it. But there's exhaustion on it. But I just think, what are those areas where we can relieve stress? You know, Been doing a lot of research on the five love languages. There's some new research out. But my wife's love language is acts of service. And there's several different dialects of that, but one of them is relieve stress. So that's her love language. When you can relieve stress, alleviate that stress.
- [13:01]
B
That's what speaks loved hurt more than flowers. And it doesn't just affect her. I mean, it affects the kids, the kids immediately. When a dad is present and engaged and takes initiative, the kids feel it instantly and they feel more secure in the midst of all of it.
- [13:18]
A
Well, and now that I have older kids, I've watched dads who have checked out of all that. When you get older kids, they're like, I don't know you, you were the guy that came in and everybody had to get quiet around, you know, instead of, you were the engaged dad, you were the fun dad. So even if we're, you know, wife feels like, oh, she's great. She's got it all, you want to do those things not only for her, but to have that relationship with your kids.
- [13:47]
B
Right?
- [13:48]
A
That's one of those. Two of us, two parents. Another way we need to take initiative. We want to go first. We want to love first is repair and reconnection, you know, that we want to say, you know, come in, be the first one. Say, I'm really. I'm really, really soft. I'm really, really sorry about that. I'm really sorry the way I handled that. And that communicates humility and relieves that pressure for her. But that's not easy, right? Mad especially.
- [14:14]
B
Oh, no. Well, I think even in the midst of all of that, of difficulty, relational tension, just even taking the initiative of saying, hey, can we take a walk? And reset? Can prevent a lot of distance.
- [14:27]
A
Right. And waiting for that good time to do that. Well, a couple of action steps, and we've alluded to a couple of them just to be really clear, because a lot of times in marriage, guys will tell me, as I work with married couples, just tell me what to do. You know, I'll do it, but just tell me what to do. Well, this is one of the examples of don't make her tell you what to do. So the first action step is, we'll
- [14:51]
B
tell you what to do.
- [14:52]
A
We'll tell you. We'll tell you what. Guys are like, great, you tell me and keep me out of trouble. The first step is to take emotional initiative. And this is when, once again, you pause and you have intention and you check in. How. How's she doing emotionally? How are we doing that? You're going to take the initiative instead of her feeling like, I've got to communicate that either verbally. And we've all been here non verbally. Ooh, you know, those cabinet doors are getting slammed pretty, pretty aggressively. Her answers seem to be really, really short right now. Like, you start smelling something in the room, you're like, what have I done? But it's just keep an ongoing check, you know, short accounts.
- [15:33]
B
Okay, so action step two is just taking a partnership initiative. Just making sure. Taking again, taking something and owning it. Owning your lane and making sure that you follow through. If you're going to do it, you've got to follow through on it, and you've got to make sure that she feels like it's completely off her plate and she can trust you to handle it because it can do a lot of damage when you say you're going to take something and you let it slip through. So take it, Own it, Own it. Like your boss is depending upon you to get this done and let her rest from something she usually carries.
- [16:17]
A
That's good. And the last action step we'll talk about is reconnection, initiative. And that's be the first one to say, I'm sorry, to reconnect, offer a reset like you said earlier. Like, hey, let's go for a walk. Let's take a break and just go. I'm not leaving you here. I'm in this. I'm not going anywhere. I think a lot of times our wives just know he's not going anywhere. Sometimes they're going, I wish he would, but just emotionally that he's not checked out, that he's available because initiative builds trust and it builds connection. That's what we're talking about. I can trust him and it builds connection, that I can depend on him.
- [17:01]
B
Yeah. A friend of mine used to, a mentor of mine used to say that the stronger person apologizes first. So if you think about it takes a strong person to initiate reconnection when things are off and so be the stronger.
- [17:18]
A
Well, I gotta tell you, after working with married couples for 20 plus years, I will say this. This is a big one for guys. This is where a lot of us are dropping the ball. We're just not taking the initiative for whatever reason. A lot of times it's not bad hearts, it's bad habits. But to say, I've got to take initiative. And so the pro move of the week for this one is to find an area in your marriage where you can take initiative, whether that's emotional, whether that's something around the house. But you're going to say, you know what, I'm going to take initiative. And then don't announce it, that you're doing it, just do it. And then watch what happens and then let us know how that goes, because we always want to know how that goes. We want to say thank you so much for listening. If you could, would you go, please give us a review. It helps other people to find the podcast. Send this to a buddy is another way to share this information. But we want to say thank you for listening. We know that you and your wife will be glad that you did.
- [18:22]
C
Thanks again for listening to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer, Haley Mwat. Audio and video editor Buck Buchanan and production coordinator Corey Walliffe. AllPro dad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit Family first, along with our motherhood program imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.