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- [00:00]
A
Hey, welcome to the All Pro Dad Podcast. I'm Ted Lowe, and today, our big question to start us off with is this is how can we teach our kids the power of language? In this episode, we're going to talk about how careless words can quietly hurt people and how thoughtful words can stick with them for years, why kids pick up on demeaning or harsh language faster than we realize, and how dads can model words that build others up instead of tearing them down. I'm joined today by BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis, and we're dealing with digging into why our words carry so much weight at home, school, and everywhere our kids go. If you've ever heard your kid say something that made you stop in your tracks and wonder, where did that come from? This conversation is for you. Let's get into it.
- [00:50]
B
I have a question for you.
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A
I'm ready, Actually, I'll tell you a
- [00:52]
B
little story first, because I have done plenty of dumb things, but I think probably the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life happened at a church once. I walked up to a lady, someone that I knew, we were friends, and I said the worst thing you could ever say to a woman, when's the baby due? And wouldn't you know, she was not pregnant at all. This was. You're laughing. I was not laughing in the moment. This was a really bad moment for me. There's really no recovering, right? There's no, oh, I accidentally. No, you made a mistake.
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C
You're not coming back from, she's not
- [01:23]
B
pregnant, and you think she looks pregnant, and you're the idiot. That's basically how that moment went for me. So it made me wonder, have you guys ever had a similar, maybe not quite as bad, but bad moment like that?
- [01:34]
A
See, Bobby, at least that was a mistake. Like, I think about words that. That hurt people. I just remember so clearly I was in the AT&T store, and I'd been in there a couple of times. I'd been frustrated, and that's when my kids were little. And I pretty much stayed kind of like, stressed out, stressful job, the whole bit, staying there and the cashier is kind of being what I deem is rude. So I say, is there a class? He goes, what do you mean? Is there a class that teach rudeness because you're all equally as rude.
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B
Whoa.
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A
And I get in the car and I tell my wife that I had said that, and she said, good job, pastor. Because at the time I was working in a church. I went, yeah, dude, you can't do that, and I would be up in front of people. So it was. It was a bad moon. But, Bobby, that was a mistake. This was just me.
- [02:23]
B
At least you didn't do it at a restaurant. I wouldn't recommend that. Yeah, they spit in your food.
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A
I don't know. It's pretty full place. It was just. And I'm just, You know, I think it's not just those kind of things. I mean, it can say things like that. I'm sure I have over the years with my own family.
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B
Right.
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C
Yeah. I've never. No, I've never had this problem. I don't know.
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A
I don't know what you're talking about.
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B
I think you're lying.
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C
I mean, like, you know, the amount of times where I've intentionally set up my words to inflict damage have been quite a few. And then there's this long list of. I can't even tell you how many times I've made people cry with, like, the things that I've said. And then there's this long list of mistakes that I've made where people have told me even, like, years later that, you know, where I said something that I don't even remember, just a throwaway comment. And they're like that. That gave me three sleepless nights, like, what I said. I've said stuff like that. At Family First, I work closely with a woman named Mary Jo Jo, and she is as sweet as can be. And if you ask Mary Jo how many times I've had to apologize for stupid stuff I've said to her, I mean, it is. She wouldn't be able to give you a good number. Like, it is probably realistically, a couple times a week. And she knows it when I start.
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A
A couple of times a week.
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C
Yeah. She's like, you're feeling bad, aren't you, for the thing you said? And I'm like, yes.
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A
So have you toughened her up over these?
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C
I think she was. I mean, she lives in Detroit, so she. She's got enough toug about her.
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B
Okay, well, let's flip it around, though. Like, we've all said dumb stuff. Hopefully not as dumb as the pregnancy thing, but let's flip it around. Have you ever given someone a compliment that really made their day? Or how did you make you feel when you said something uplifting to another person?
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A
Yeah, I think compliments are a little. I think they're a little different because we say them and we don't know how much they matter, typically. But as we were preparing for this, luckily, I Had a conversation with a friend of mine who's also a musician, and we'd done an event together like, 15 years earlier. And he said, you remember that thing you said to me after my dad insulted me? And I'm like, no, what are you talking about? And I guess we had done an event. His dad comes up. I ask, hey, when did you know he was this talented? And the dad says something to the effect of, I didn't know he was. And he said afterwards that I said to him, isn't it funny? Like, he knows it word for word. But he says, afterwards, I said, man, that was not okay with what your dad just said. And he said, you went on to affirm me. He goes, I just remember that moment so vividly. But I think sometimes when we say the words that are healing or we say the words that are right to a person, you're going to get a smile and a thank you. When in reality, it means the world to them.
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C
When I was pursuing my wife, who was very unsure about dating me, which it's easy to look at this and go, yeah, I don't know about that. And that's kind of where she was. And I'll never forget telling her that in a crowded room, she was the only person I wanted to talk to. And I didn't know how that hit at the time, but I heard back from some other people that that that had hit her heart in a good place.
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A
That's great.
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B
So, yeah, I came across a really interesting quote from Mark Twain. He said this. The difference between the almost right word and the right word is a really large matter. It's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. Like, there is a huge difference in saying just the right thing. And sometimes we do it well and sometimes we don't. Tells me that the power of the tongue is real.
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A
So true. We think about, as dads, how this is impacting our kids, you know, our language, how we talk. There's unsettling research that shows that by the time children turn 5, that they have 42 taboo words. 42 at 5 years old. What are you doing, guys?
- [06:22]
C
Well, we're probably modeling it, but as I was researching this topic, I came across a British study in 2021, and this is what it said. Six in 10 people say strong language, such as the F word, is part of their daily lives. And about one third of people say they use strong language more than they did five years ago. And this is particularly interesting to me. The figure is slightly higher for women, 32% than men 27%. So women are increasingly stepping into that space.
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B
Potty mouths. Yeah. Yeah, how about that?
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A
So that leads to our big question of the week. You guys ready? How can we teach our kids the power of language? How can we teach our kids the power of language? We've got to model it ourselves, right? They're listening to us. So one of the things that we can do is, is make sure that we're paying compliments, kind things to other people that they're watching. That the way we treat their mom, their siblings, of course them. You know, there's the old saying that, you know, these people are always fishing for compliments. I say it should be our goal as dads and husbands that no one in our family will ever have to fish for a compliment for us because we're always on the lookout for that.
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C
Well, I, you know, I do my best to model things but I was teaching my daughter how to drive recently and we were at a four way stop and four way stops can get pretty confusing about okay, who goes next? And what made it worse was it was a four lane, four way stop. So there's, you know, and, and so there's two cars coming at us. We're in the left hand lane and we need to turn left. And I said, well just wait, just wait for the next person to go. But they weren't going. So finally I was like, okay, they're not going, just move into your turn that they're waiting for you. So she started to go in the, the truck in the right hand lane coming towards her started to come out and I was like OK, stop, stop, let him go. And as he was driving by he started screaming at my, she didn't say anything, she just hit the brakes and he started screaming at her. And something in me snapped, fear. And I went full on scorched earth on him. And I used a lot of words, I used a lot more the power of language than I'm going to explain. But by the end of it I told him what he was, where he could and what he could do to himself. Okay, and, and he, he pulls out and, and he's gone now and I stop screaming and I just in a very calm voice tell my daughter, okay, now you can continue on.
- [09:09]
B
And like nothing had ever happened.
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C
And she was wide eyed driving, you know, kind of looking at me with this wide eyed, you know. And so then I was like, you know that guy had no right to scream at you like that. And he, however, I had no right to go off the way that I did. And communicate things to him in the way that I did either. So what I had modeled there was, at best, inconsistent.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So you need to do a little heart work. A little, little. See what's under there, maybe.
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C
I'll tell you what. I, I, I'll tell you exactly what's under there. If you come after my daughter, there's something. There's a. There's a lion in there somewhere that's ready to get released. So I need to. I need to understand that I need to corral that lion a little bit better than I did. Yeah.
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B
One thing that I've taught my kids at home, or at least I'm trying to teach my kids, is the concept of reverse gossip. And we all know what gossip is. You're talking about someone they don't know. You're kind of, you know, speaking poorly of them. Reverse gossip is just the opposite. It is talking highly about someone behind their back. An example of that might be, I'm riding in the car with my kids, and I'll say, oh, your little friend Susie, she was so kind today. That sort of thing. And it implants that, you know, talking highly about someone. And I think that's a really cool thing to do as well, because it kind of gets your kids to notice that, oh, we're noticing other people, and we can see the good things about them. We should praise them even if they're not around. I like that. Reverse gossip is something we try to do at home.
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C
Yeah. And I love when people do it. And maybe I shouldn't do this, but the next time I'm with that person, I'll always say, hey, I was with so and so, and they were singing your praises. Here are all the things they were saying about you. Like, I sort of can't wait to pass that on.
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A
Right. We have what we call Doug compliments, and it comes from a guy that I worked with years ago, and one of the things that he would do is he would say, hey, tell Jeff he's doing great at work. Hey, tell my daughter how, you know, just what a great kid she is. And so we'll do that. And, hey, give Teddy, you know, my daughter. Give her a. I did this the other day. Give her a Doug compliment that she's working really hard at school. So it's these things. Oh, your dad's talking great about you. I just, I don't know. I just think that's powerful. Wow. They were talking about me in a great way when I wasn't even around.
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B
Yeah. Yeah.
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C
And as in a similar way, similar to talking great about people kind of behind their back. I think we need to show gratitude for people. Just kind of lets them know that, you know, we're. We're grateful. We're thankful that they're. That they have value in our lives. Every Friday, I get together with a. A group of folks to pray, and there are times when they say my name that they're thankful for, and it really elevates. It completely gives me a boost. There are times when my kids will say, I'm thankful for you, and there's no greater compliment in the world to me than that.
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B
Yeah.
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C
So showing gratitude, so powerful.
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B
I. We do this thing at dinner time on the nights where we have everyone able to sit together. If we don't have, like, T ball or whatever going, we'll sit down and we'll do a little game called High Low. Funny. And it's super simple. It's. What's your high point of the day? What's your low point of the day? What's the funny thing to happen today? But the high is, I think, the ones that my kids look forward to because they kind of get to brag about something cool that happened. And it always introduces the concept of gratitude, like, oh, man, I got a great grade on my test or whatever. I'm like, well, this is great. This is something we should be excited about and show gratitude. I try to do it as often as possible. I wish we did it more, but at least once or twice a week.
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A
Well, as we think through the power of language, you know, with our kids, what are ways that we can talk to them about tearing others down and how that works? How do we have that kind of conversation with them? What are those things that tear other people down?
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C
Yeah. Well, I think it's. It's great to be a reminder of how they treat people. You know, in. In a previous episode, episode 116, we talked about bullying, that it's the number one fear of all kids. And I. I think that's important to think about like, that. That one of the number one ways people bully is that they tear other people down with words. And so helping our kids to know, okay, what kind of words are you using with others? Are using words that lift people up? Are you tearing. Are you tearing people down? You don't want to be a bully. Like, rarely do kids or parents think of their kids or themselves as bullies, but using words that rip people apart is exactly what that can turn into.
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A
Right? And we've talked about it before. Sometimes the biggest bully for your kid is their brother or sister living at your home. So creating homes that, hey, we don't bully each other. This is not how we talk to each other, I think is so key.
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C
Well, and it's one, you know, like the relationships we have at home, that's what trains us for our relationships in the outside world. So if you want to talk to your kids about, look, this is a great place to practice using words that are uplifting rather than words that tear down.
- [14:26]
A
Yeah, right. Like, we don't talk to each other like that. It's key. Right. I think another thing, if we talk about what's tearing people down or as we talk about the power language is cursing. Right. And it was so amazing to us that we had an article from Mark Merrill, who's founder of Family first, and he wrote an article about cursing and what that means. And CBS this Morning reached out and said, hey, one of the reporters says, my kid's really struggling with this. And they did a whole segment on it. But one of the things that Mark said, it was so power is the issue with cursing. It's not about words. It's about the heart. It's not about words, but it's about the heart.
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C
Yeah. I mean, I think, like, so I have a little bit of a controversial perspective on cursing. Yeah.
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B
Which I'm going to bleep and hate this, man. Go ahead, Go ahead.
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C
Well, I love that. The fact that you said it's not about the words. It's, it's about, it's about the heart. You know, we sort of have arbitrarily chosen that these are the curse words and these, you know, we've got words that mean the exact same thing that aren't. And there's a long history of language and why these were chosen. And, but it's not necessarily about kind of these words. It's a little bit more like when you're speaking them at somebody to devalue, to dehumanize, to put somebody down. You know, we, we, we don't want to off. Like in our house, in our house, our kids have never gotten in trouble for swearing or saying curse words. I, quite frankly, there are times like we, we have, we have talked to our kids about, you want to use the right word. And I do think in our society, we get a little bit lazy and we downshift and throw in curse words almost as filler, and it's too much and, and, and needs to be kind of pulled back. This is my contra, my controversial take is There are times and it might be rare that it might be the right word. It might be the word that needs to. We might need to get somebody's attention to, to let them know, like, look, this is, this is serious or whatever. And look, there are going to be people that disagree. I'm not asking for emails on this. If you disagree, great, fine. I respect that.
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B
That.
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C
But the bigger thing is, I think less than these words. Okay, what is your tone? What is your posture? Is it postured of hate? Is it bitterness? Because you can, you can tear the soul out of somebody without saying a single curse word.
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A
So true.
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C
And, and that are much worse. And we don't nearly take the time to kind of talk to our kids about, hey, listen, the words that you just used with that person. And I think particularly sometimes language around race, language and images around race that we're like, oh, why don't they get over it? It's not that big a deal. Well, no, like you're ripping the soul out of somebody. Like you're putting them down in a way, in a way that, that dehumanizes them. That takes their value down to zero. And so all of those, Those to me are way more important than a swear word here and there.
- [17:56]
B
Yeah, I think of it this way, like you got a quiver full of words, right? You pull them out like arrows and what do you do? You just blindly just shoot them off into the air. You pick a target. If you were shooting archery, you would aim for the target. You would look at the bullseye and you would try to hit the dead center of it. The same thing happens with our words. You don't just fire them off. You pick a target, whether it's a thing or whether it's a person. I don't want my kids aiming to bad negative. Whether it's curse words or any other words. Add a target. That is a person who can be harmed. If you got a problem, like I hit my thumb with a hammer, okay, fire your arrow. Yeah.
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A
Bleep.
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B
Like this really hurt. That's totally different than. You person are my target. And I'm going to take you down with this arrow. That's not something I ever want to see in my house. It's just. It's not worth it.
- [18:43]
C
Well, I think that's. I mean, you talked about the power of language. When you use it in the wrong way can really hurt a relationship. And I think one of the things that is completely unacceptable to me and to my wife in our house is lying. Lying in our house is like the number one thing that you can do wrong because it hits the heart of relationships. Relationships are built on trust, and lying completely undermines that. So, you know, so any kind of consequence that we've given, it's always the worst with lying.
- [19:16]
A
I think as dads, we have to make it if we're really going to press with our kids, how important it is to tell the truth. Truth. We can't punish them when they do. Right? But with our kids, we tried to say we're always successful with this, but say what I'm looking for right now is the truth, and then we can figure everything else out. We can't hang a bunch of consequences on top of that. I got the truth, and now that was the bait that's now getting you in trouble. You're saying, hey, I just want to know the truth of who just broke this thing in the living. I just want to know the truth. And then as soon as they tell you, well, you're grounded for six months and you can never walk into this room again. It's, hey, let's talk through that a little bit. Okay? Thanks for telling me the truth, Buddy, and just reward the behavior. I just appreciate you telling me the truth. And even when there's consequences to not respond in a hurtful, hateful way back and say, oh, this is. There may be a consequence, but thank you for telling me the truth.
- [20:16]
B
I read a proverb once. It says, the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat of its fruit. If you love to lift others up, you're probably going to use your words to do it more and more and more right, because you enjoy seeing others who are growing because of the good things you've said. If you love to see others cry and whimper and run in fear because of what you said, you have this power over them because of your words. You're probably going to continue to do it because it maintains that power. The way that our kids use their words is so important. And they're going to learn it from somebody. They're going to learn it from Buddy, who gets laughs when he makes fun of somebody. And maybe they're like, oh, maybe I'll keep doing more of that. They're going to learn it from you, hopefully. If you are going to continue to speak life in other people, I want them to do that. So my goal is to keep using these uplifting words and try to minimize these negative words in hopes that my kids model that that's good.
- [21:10]
A
So ways of action steps, you know, if Your kids begin in a way, you're saying, oh, we're heading in the wrong direction. One of the steps we can think about is finding out the why and digging a little bit with them. You know, what's behind this word? Was it frustration? Are you upset? Did something happen at school? Because if we're talking about that it's not about words, that it's about heart, then we have to help them get what's beneath the words.
- [21:40]
C
And I think we can teach our kids. Okay, what type of words do you want people to use about you? Because it's a little bit that, that, that, that saying, he that lives by the sword, dies by the sword. It's the same way with the words that we use. If whatever words you're going to use to talk about the way that you talk about other people, that's how people are going to talk about you. It's going to come back in some way or another.
- [22:05]
B
Yeah, that's the heart posture part. Like, it's, it's the indication of what's at the root. You know, the fruit being your words, and you're saying uplifting things. Okay, you got some really good roots there. If your words are coming out as barbs or your kids, then it's an indication that maybe you as a dad have to do some digging. Maybe you got to do some fertilizing of the roots because things are getting sour up top. We need to figure out a right way to kind of take them aside and be like, okay, why did you use that word? What is it? Do you have conflict with this person? Is there something bigger that we need to address? That's the step that we need to take as a dad, to use your ears proactively and help our kids with their tongue.
- [22:43]
A
Another action step we can take is to really be aware and learn their influence. Like, because, let's be honest, it's who they're hanging around with, right? Like, who's that kid around them that's taught them this new word? Are you the person around them that's taught them this word? So there's a great episode that we'd love for you guys to go back to. It's episode 89, where we talk about influences in general. So that's worth checking out.
- [23:08]
C
Well, that's a great point. I, I, I do think that words like language in itself is gorgeous. And there's so many terrific words that can be used to describe something, that can be used to persuade, that can be used to inspire, lift up, achieve a certain point or Create a picture, a word picture. And I think the question we need to ask our kids is, are you surrounding yourself with people who are good at that, that, or are you surrounding yourself with people who are lesser with. With. With language? You know, who are you listening to? So whoever you're listening to, you're probably going to end up repeating or parroting back what you've, what you've heard.
- [23:52]
B
And I would add this for the dad listening, do not feel ashamed or embarrassed by making this correction. We've got kids in our neighborhood that, you know, our children will play with. And sometimes things come up in conversation and we have to go, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't talk like that at our house. We don't do that. We don't sing that song. We don't watch that movie. We don't fill in the blank. Right? Don't feel ashamed for stepping in, in that way and setting an example for your kids. If you just let it slide, that little seed might grow into something you don't want it to be. And so I would just encourage a dad who is hesitant to, like, not parent or correct another kid, but just to lay down the rules and say, hey, at our house, we don't do that. We don't say that. We don't talk about people that way. My parents did that for us when we had other kids to come to our house, and they said not. And I do that at my house. And I think that's a healthy thing.
- [24:43]
A
That's good for some people listening. And that includes us. I think we think about how we talk. Maybe we haven't thought about that in a long time, and that's important. The power of language is something we've got to consider all the time because words are so powerful. We talk about it all the time on the podcast. So, you guys, thanks for this great conversation as always. We want to make this super practical for you with our pro move of the week, and that is to ask your kids, why do you think kids curse? What's in it for them? Why do you think kids curse and what's in it for them? Because, bj, to your point, sometimes we ask them, their kids or another friend, they'll talk to you a little bit more. So ask, why is it kids curse and what does it do for them? And if this podcast has been helpful for you, could you rate and review? It helps people to, to find us. Also, if there's a question that you would like for us to dive, put that in the comments. But we want to always say thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.
- [25:50]
D
Thanks again for listening to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer Haley Mwat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Walliffe. All Pro dad is the fatherhood program of the non profit Family First Aid along with our motherhood program imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.