What About You Will Your Kids Repeat Or Reject?

Summary

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All Pro Dad Podcast

Episode: "What About You Will Your Kids Repeat Or Reject?"

Date: July 27, 2026
Host: Ted
Guests/Co-hosts: BJ and Bobby

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Overview

In this episode, Ted, BJ, and Bobby dive into the lasting impact fathers have on their children—exploring what kids are likely to emulate, and what they may choose to reject, about their dads. Drawing from personal stories, generational habits, and candid moments, the hosts challenge themselves and listeners to reflect on which behaviors they hope their own kids will carry forward, and which ones they want to change for the next generation. The conversation balances humor, vulnerability, and practical advice, aiming to help dads become more intentional about the legacies they create.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Do Kids Copy or Cut From Their Dads? [00:00–02:11]

• The Core Question: The episode centers on the idea that every dad passes down certain habits, traits, and traditions—some good, some not so good.
• Tradition as Legacy:
  • Bobby uses the example of roast beef Sundays at his grandma’s house to show how certain family traditions get unconsciously copied—he now holds weekend family time just as his parents did.
  • Quote:
    "As I was thinking through this, I thought, oh man, if I'm copying them in ways, I bet there's a bunch of stuff that I'm not copying either. I bet all dads do this in some way." — Bobby (01:27)

2. Habits Inherited and Abandoned [02:11–11:37]

• Emulating Positive Traits:
  • BJ’s Dad: Not strict, allowed independence, treated BJ as an adult during adolescence, fostered connection and togetherness (golf, chess, attending games).
  • Ted’s Dad: Was “the rock” for the family—always present, protective, and dependable, even though Ted describes himself as wired quite differently.
    • Quote:
      "If you need something, it doesn’t matter where you are, what’s happening, my dad’s going to stop and do it." — Ted (03:32)
• Eliminating Negative Patterns:
  • BJ: His dad often ate meals alone, spent Sundays isolated (Robe Day) — BJ chooses to share meals and media time with his kids.
  • Bobby: His biological dad left when he was young, causing him to eliminate the idea of abandonment or divorce from his own parenting.
  • Ted: His dad would physically leave when frustrated; Ted realized he initially overcorrected (controlling, verbose responses) but slipped into similar avoidance behavior, which he now works to improve through apologizing and reconnecting.
• Empathy for Single/Divorced Dads: The hosts offer hope and encouragement, reminding listeners the story isn’t fixed—what matters is continued engagement (08:47).

3. Challenges: Breaking Negative Cycles [11:37–22:12]

• The Reality of Influence:
  • Kids observe and internalize more than dads realize.
    • Quote:
      "Young children copy adult actions with up to 90% accuracy." — Ted citing Michigan State Study (12:39)
• Harshness & Distance:
  • Acting harshly, being absent (even subtly through phone use or disengagement), and putting performance pressure on kids are all behaviors the hosts strive to eliminate.
  • Notable Story:
    Ted recalls harshly telling his sons to be quiet at bedtime and his son bravely responding, "Daddy, you're really hurting our feelings." (15:00)
  • Subtle Absence:
    Bobby and BJ discuss how simply being physically present but mentally checked out (e.g., buried in a phone) still creates emotional distance.
    • Quote:
      "Anytime you're putting something between you and your kids, you're creating distance... It's a little ding in their heart every time you pick something over them." — Bobby (17:59)

4. What Dads Want Kids to Repeat [22:12–32:46]

• Intentional Positives:
  • Listening Well: BJ praises his wife’s skill at drawing out their son and making him feel heard; he vows to embody better listening himself.
    • Quote:
      "So good at just sitting there and listening." — BJ (23:51)
  • Prioritizing Presence: Stories abound of dads attending games or just being around even after long work trips.
    • Quote:
      "Just being there mattered." — Bobby (24:10)
      "Presence for sure is one of the most important things..." — Ted (25:28)
  • Apologizing Frequently: Modeling humility by admitting mistakes is crucial.
    • Quote:
      "The stronger person always apologizes first." — BJ (29:26)
    • Bobby shares a story about mishandling his daughter’s illness and apologizing to the whole family for not listening to her (31:00).
  • Limiting Pressure: Hosts agree that performance-based love is corrosive; they stress communicating unconditional love.

5. Tangible Next Steps: The Pro Move [31:43–End]

• Challenge: Choose one thing to eliminate as a dad this week—be intentional and observe the impact.
• Encouragement: Imperfection is normal; the goal is being present and aware, not flawless.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Power of Presence:
  "You can't make memories when you're not there." — Ted (22:52)
  "If you have the spare five minutes, spend the spare five minutes, make yourself present to them. It will pay off incredibly." — Bobby (24:10)

• On Correcting Past Patterns:
  "Sometimes we end up doing what our dads did that we want to eliminate, and we don't even know we're doing it until we think about it. That's why I like this episode..." — Ted (09:56)

• On Apologizing:
  "When you do it, you model it, and they start repeating what you do. And all that does is set them up for relational success when they get older." — BJ (31:27)
  "The stronger person always apologizes first." — BJ (29:26)

• On Eliminating Pressure:
  "If I'm putting pressure on them to make it even seem like I need that from them, I've made a mistake." — Bobby (21:40)

• On Traditions:
  "We're not exactly the same as our parents, but pretty darn close. Like, we're doing a lot of similar things." — Bobby (00:59)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment | |------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00–02:11| Introduction; setting up the main question | | 02:11–05:46| Emulating positive traits and traditions | | 05:46–09:49| Eliminating negative patterns; dealing with broken families | | 09:56–11:37| Admitting when we repeat our own dads’ mistakes | | 11:37–13:55| National stats on father-child relationships; importance of reflection | | 13:55–22:12| Identifying harmful behaviors: harshness, absence, pressure | | 22:12–27:59| Practicing presence; meaningful stories of showing up | | 27:59–32:46| The power of apologizing; vulnerability; the Pro move of the week|

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Takeaways for Dads

• Kids are always watching; what you model today is what they may carry into their own parenting.
• Emulate the strengths of your own parents and intentionally cut out negative cycles—even ones you unconsciously repeat.
• Presence trumps perfection. Five minutes of real engagement are worth more than hours of distracted time.
• Apologize freely. Vulnerability breeds healthier relationships.
• The legacies you create can be shaped starting today by small, conscious decisions.

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Transcript

[Ted]

Hey, welcome to AllPro dad podcast. You know, our kids are watching everything we do, and someday they're gonna decide what to copy and what to leave behind. Today, bj, Bobby and I get honest about what we've taken from our own dads, what we've left behind, and what we're doing right now that our kids will either emulate or eliminate. Let's get into it. Okay? Our big question of the week, you guys, is what are things that I'm doing that my kids will cut or a copy? Yeah.

[Bobby]

You guys like roast beef? Oh, gosh, you don't have to answer. I know you do. Everyone loves roast beef.

[Ted]

I like that transition. Do you guys like roast beef? Great.

[Bobby]

Here's why. What. What are you talking about?

[BJ]

I don't. I don't like roast beef.

[Bobby]

Well, here's what. Let me tell you why I asked the question. Because when I was a kid, I was introduced to roast beef on Sundays at Grandma's house, and I love it now because Grandma made some awesome roast beef. And it was actually a really cool part of my childhood because Sundays were grandma days. Every day. Every Sunday, we'd be going over, we'd hang out, we'd a great time, family, you know, nothing else got in the way of family time. And we'd have dinner together, we'd hang out. And it kind of dawned on me a couple of months ago that I kind of do the same thing now. Like, my upbringing included lots of family stuff on the weekends, and now as I'm raising kids, I'm doing lots of family stuff on the weekends. And it made me think, man, I'm not exactly the same as my parents, but pretty darn close. Like, we're doing a lot of similar things. And so as I was thinking through this, I thought, oh, man, if I'm copying them in ways, I bet there's a bunch of stuff that I'm not copying either. And so I started thinking that through, and I. I was like, man, I bet all dads do this in some way.

[Producer Hayley Mwat]

The.

[Bobby]

The way we were raised, the stuff that we learned, the. The habits and the, you know, traditions that we formed, we probably kept a lot of it. But there were also some things that our parents did that were like, I am never going to grow up and do that. And that got me thinking, what are those things? What are the things that we've copied and what are the things that we've cut? And then I went even one step further than that, and I thought, okay, what are the things my kids are going to emulate about me and what are the things they're going to eliminate about the way I'm parenting them? And that was a little bit more of a serious question for me, as I thought through it.

[Ted]

Well, that's our big question of the week. What are things that our kids are going to copy from us and cut from us? What are some things that you guys have emulated from your dads?

[BJ]

I think, like, my dad just wasn't very strict. Like, he was pretty chill with everything, particularly as time went on. Like, there were less and less consequences. Like, I can't remember being punished or having any kind of consequences when I was in my teens, like, ever. So he was just kind of really relaxed about that. Like, it kind of gave me. It made me feel a sense of freedom, like I'm in control of my decisions and I face the consequences of my behavior. And so I think that kind of helped me, I think, mature a little bit more. Right. You know, I wasn't. I think I was treated more like an adult. You know, I think at the. Probably the appropriate time when I was kind of coming into my teens, like, he treated me more like an adult than. Than he did anything else. But also he spent a lot of time with me. Like, we played golf together, we played chess together. He would come to all my games and my mom, the same thing. Like, she would spend. She would hang out with us and, and talk with us. You know, it was never. There was never this kind of separation. Kids, parents. It was just, you know, together.

[Ted]

I think with my dad, something that I still appreciate this to this day is the safety and the rock that he is for everybody. My kids know. I know if you need something, it doesn't matter where you are, what's happening, My dad's going to stop and do it. And he is. He's a hardworking farmer. He works all the time. He just turned 81 years old and he moves like he's 12 and. But, you know, if you call him, he's going to be there. And oddly enough, even though I'm wired so differently than him, I feel like I've tried to do the same with my kids. ADHD has actually helped that because people with ADHD were actually really good in emergencies because our brains are always thinking we're in an emergency. So when happen, yeah, this tracks. But they. They call me and then they know I'm going to come. So I just. I so love that about my dad. And the older I get, the more it matters, especially during times where I was Shaking. Didn't know what's going on, even financially. I thought, he's not going to let me. He's not going to let me fall. Right. What is something that you guys have maybe eliminated from your dad?

[BJ]

I think my dad, like, one of the things my dad did is around dinner time he would disappear up into his room, like, and so he would never eat with us, which, you know, felt a little weird. I mean, it was understandable. He was, he was getting up at 5 in the morning. We lived in Connecticut. He was getting up at five in the morning to go into New York to work. Wow. And then he would get back at like 7 o' clock at night.

[Ted]

So how long a trip is from Connecticut to New York?

[BJ]

Be, you know, an hour and a half.

[Ted]

An hour and half, both ways. So three hours a day? Yeah.

[BJ]

Like, he was driving, you know, when he. When you hit traffic, that's how much.

[Ted]

So why you got harsh on the man? Want a little alone time, a little dinner?

[BJ]

Well, it continued. I mean, we moved. We moved to Philadelphia and it was a different schedule and he would still grab his food and go upstairs. I mean, I think it was one of those habits that kind of got into. And so he, he would do. He would do. He would just kind of disappear at mealtime. And that's kind of an important thing, I think, for me now.

[Bobby]

You don't do that.

[BJ]

I don't do that, No. I eat with my kids. He also would rarely ever, like, sit and watch TV with us. Like, he would, he would never go to the movies with us. And those are things that I do with my kids all the time. And then he had this weird tradition that, oddly enough, I kind of found depressing, but everybody got a kick out of it. Sunday was robe day for him, so he called it Robe Day. He would like spend the entire day in bed and never get out. Like, I mean, he would come down, he would get breakfast, go right back upstairs, he'd get lunch, go right back upstairs. The entire day. He would never get out of his robe. And it would be, you know, and he just called it. He's like, it's day rest. And so that's what he would do. Which. All right, I get it, but to me it's like, okay, we're not going to see you. You're going to be in your robe all day.

[Bobby]

So you've eliminated robes from your wardrobe.

[BJ]

I don't have a robe. I wish I had a robe. But. But yeah, Robe day. That was kind of his tradition. It's Not. It's not like it was this terrible thing, but it was to me. I don't want to keep. Continue that on.

[Bobby]

Yeah, yeah, that's an interesting question for me because I have two dads, I have a biological dad, and I have a stepdad. And if you're talking about stuff to eliminate, it's real easy to pick for my biological dad because he just wasn't there. And that was, you know, super difficult. I. I think I was 5 years old when he, he walked out of our family's life. And so, you know, I had two younger siblings. My mom was a single mom at, like, you know, 26, 25, 26 years old. Super hard. So the, the eliminate part of that relationship is I learned by the time I was in first grade that I was not going to get divorced. I eliminated the possibility of breaking my family apart when I was like, a child because I understood the difficulty of all the stuff that came with not having one of the two parents that you wanted in your home. And it's, you know, it's different than if your par passes away, probably. But this was a deliberate choice to leave. And so I eliminated that option from my life very early on. But if you're asking me to, like, eliminate something from my stepdad, the person that we call dad, because he kind of swooped in and kind of saved our family from who knows what, you know, the statistics aren't great for, you know, kids who don't have a father figure. He. He swooped in and, and really kind of made a big difference for us. And I find it hard to pick out something to eliminate because I have such immense gratitude and such, you know, thanks for him kind of steering us back towards straighten and healthy. So it's hard to find something. I'm sure if I was going to get nitpicky and say I didn't like the way he made his mow the lawn or whatever, you know, that sort of stuff, I could probably find something, but that pales in comparison to the gratitude that I have. So, you know, easy to answer for one dad, not easy to answer for another.

[BJ]

Yeah, well, Bobby, thanks for sharing that. And, you know, number one, I'm sorry that that happened. And I'm so grateful that you had a man step in that you can depend on who's there and that you're completely grateful for. I, in the middle of all that, I couldn't help but kind of think of those dads out there that, who never envisioned themselves being divorced, didn't want to be divorced. And wanted to be with their kids and then now find themselves divor and you know, maybe even kind of separated from their kids in some way. And they're. And I would just encourage you all, like, I mean, Bobby's story, like it could have been different had your biological father stayed engaged. And so just, I think, you know, do your best to just do whatever you can to stay engaged, as engaged as you can. So there's, there's hope for you and your, and your kids. If you're a single dad out there and, you know, you're just trying hard, there's hope for your kids. So, I mean, look what, how you turned out.

[Bobby]

So thank you. No, I appreciate that. What about you, Ted? Is there something you would eliminate from your dad growing up?

[Ted]

Yeah, I mean, my dad was a single dad for a long time and he was young when my mom passed. And so, you know, a lot of gratitude there. Just like you, Bobby. One of the things though he would, he would do when he would get frustrated was he would drive. He would drive away. Like he would be, man, we lived on a farm and I just remember this truck going fast out of the driveway and he would do that. And when I got older, I was like, I don't, I don't, I don't want to do that, because that was scary or it was, you know, and so I've tried not to do that with my kids, but here's what I watch happen when they were teenagers because my, my reaction was so opposite of his. Like, when I would get frustrated, I would move towards control. I would say a lot of words and I thought, man, I got to slow this thing down so I don't say things that I regret. So I started leaving for a little bit. I would, you know, I would walk outside or I would even drive away. And so the other day, I mean, it's. This has been a few weeks ago. I mean, I was having a discussion with my 26 year old and we so disagreed about a topic and I didn't like the way I handled it. He handled it way better than I did. And so I had to come back, I had to circle back around and went that you deserved better for me than that. Then I am apologizing, but it's like one of those things. We're talking about what we want to eliminate and what we want to emulate. I think sometimes we end up doing what our dads did that we want to eliminate, and we don't even know we're doing it until we think about it. That's why I like this episode, because I'm thinking, oh, I've never thought about this before. Yeah.

[BJ]

And the reason we're talking about this is because we want to be better dads. So the APA says 26% of adults are estranged from their fathers. 15% feel active resentment from harsh criticism, lack of empathy, and neglecting emotional needs. So obviously, we. We don't want to do that. And so that's why it's important to kind of think about eliminating some of these behaviors. But I, I. You know, as you were talking, Ted, I kind of. I was reminded of just even another thing. Like, my dad used to snap at me. Like, he would just kind of. He just kind of would. Would snap. And I'm like, I remember kind of thinking, boy, I don't want to. I don't want to do that. And then I find myself doing it, and the Philly snap. Yeah. Like, it's just kind of like, stop it. You know, like. Like that kind of a thing. And. And I find myself. I found myself doing it. And so it's one of those things that I. I kind put a stop to.

[Ted]

Yeah, it's. It's so funny. I don't think we have. We think we have this much power with our kids. We don't think they're watching to the degree that they're watching. I mean, why would you watch us? I mean, you really. They feel like they're not paying attention sometimes. And there's a study from Michigan State that says that young children copy adult actions with up to 90% accuracy. So our parenting style will have a radical impact on their parenting style. And we're gonna go stop it and get in the car, and I'm gonna drive away. You know, those. Those types of things. So, again, this is why we're talking about this.

[Bobby]

It creeps back in. Just like you guys have all said. Like, I find myself doing stuff my dad did, you know, I don't want that for my children, my grandchildren, who aren't even around yet, you know?

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Bobby]

And so I gotta fix it today.

[BJ]

Yeah. Well, sobering thought is that the more things, like, every time we do something good with our kids, it creates memories. And so. And the. The more things that they do, the more things that they copy from us, the more things they emulate from us as an adult means the more good memories that they had, the more things they eliminate that we did, then the more bad memories that they've had. So.

[Ted]

Yeah, well. And I promise, listeners, we're going to get to the good part of this. But before we do, we want to talk a little bit more about the specifics of things that we don't want our kids to one day emulate.

[Bobby]

Stuff we might be doing that they're going to.

[Ted]

Stuff we might put out. Yeah, that's good. So what are some of those things? One of the things is acting harshly. You know, I think sometimes we can mistake harshness for honesty, Especially while we're disciplined. We can get into that. That mode. One thing I'll always remember is tucking my boys in one night. And it was probably my fault because I made bedtime rowdy. And we just had but one night. I was just exhausted. I didn't have it in me. And so I'd gone up and down the stairs two or three times that, hey, I need this, I want this. And I walked in and I said, hey, I need you guys to just go to sleep. And was a tone. It wasn't like, you know, go to sleep. It was the tone. It was the harshness. Get emotional about this. And my oldest one said, daddy. I said, what? And he goes, you're really hurting our feelings. And the fact that he advocated for his brother, like, he thought, if it's hurting my feelings, it's hurting his brother's feelings. It's just one of those things going, chill out, Ted. Like, what are you doing putting your kids to bed? I mean, you know, you're doing, you know, wwf. You know wwf? I don't think that's a thing.

[Bobby]

Wwe.

[BJ]

Well, it used to be back in the day.

[Ted]

Was it.

[BJ]

It was back in the 80s it was WWF, but then it changed to WWE.

[Ted]

Okay, yeah, but just, just acting harshly. We gotta eliminate that as much as we can.

[BJ]

Well, good for you. I probably would have said, well, you know what? I don't like your attitude.

[Ted]

Lay down and go to sleep. Not the way he would said it.

[BJ]

You wouldn't have, because it was.

[Ted]

I was like, well, they time because they just destroy him. I still want to punch myself in the face.

[Bobby]

So you might be thinking, I don't really act harshly. Well, maybe you don't think you're acting harshly, but here's a couple of ways that perhaps you are coming across as harsh to your kids. Yelling over things that don't really amount to a ton. I mean, I know for me, a lot of times I'll yell over grades and like school stuff. Like, is it the end of the world if you get a B plus instead of an A minus? No, like, you don't need to be harsh. And yell over that sort of stuff. When I get flustered and angry because the kids are crying over something I've deemed silly, it's not silly to them, you know, that. That might come across as harsh. Fighting over screen time. We all do that. We've got to find a way to stop putting distance between ourselves and our kids. And when we're harsh with them, that's. It's a clear wedge, and we got to stop that.

[Ted]

Good. Another one is being frequently absent. You know, dads who don't show up. It leaves a lasting mark.

[Bobby]

Well, I mentioned that, you know, my biological dad, you know, left our family, and so that was clear distance, and so. But that's not exactly what we're talking about. We're talking about you being present, but not actually present. And I do this. I caught myself doing it yesterday. I got home from work, and all the kids like, hey, dad, how you doing? I was like, I'm gonna go, you know, change my work clothes. I'm gonna. And I was gone for, like, 20 minutes. I'm sitting there in the toilet reading whatever on the phone. I'm like, this is. This is not what I should be doing. Like, I need to go out and play with my kids. Anytime you're putting something between you and your kids, you're creating distance. And we do this all the time. It's not the most exciting thing to go watch the T ball game on Saturday. But you choosing not to go and mow the lawn instead, your kids notice that sort of stuff. You're putting distance between you and your kids. Choosing to watch football all day long. I know. I like college football, but we got to go throw the ball in the yard, too. Or do the Legos or whatever it is with the kids. I mean, they see that you're choosing something over them in that situation. Checking out on your phone, like I just said, I do it all the time. We bag on BJ all the time for that darn cell phone. And I'm sorry we dragged you through the mud again, but. But we got to be there for our kids. It's. It's just. It's a little ding in their heart every time you pick something over them. You know, we got to stop doing that.

[BJ]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I took Facebook and Instagram off my phone.

[Bobby]

Good job.

[BJ]

I'm making steps, but. But I. It's. It is that subtle. It's sort of that subtle abandonment kind of a thing. You know, there's. There's. There's a little bit in there, like, where we we have the opportunity to be present, and we're not present and we're there physically and we're not. But, you know, like, so when we get distracted on our phones or, you know, maybe we just want to check out, and there are times. There are times to check out, but. But, you know, or like, get getting drunk or that kind of thing. Like, I've. I've talked about on this podcast. My dad was a drinker. And, you know, he was very functional and he was very engaged with me. But there was a period, you know, when I was in middle school when it was. It was, you know, he, like, bare minimum, he just wasn't engaged. Like, he could have been. Like, I really needed him to be during that time, you know, very formative years and becoming a man. And. And I think I needed him more than. Than he was present for. And so that. That's one of the things too, that, you know, I get to. Again, I'm not putting myself above him. I'm distracted by plenty of other things like phones and stuff. That's, you know. But yeah, when we get distracted and

[Ted]

we're not talking about guys, you can never have time for yourself. You can never take a break. We got a whole episode on. You know, I don't think we called it self care. I think we called it me time. Yeah, but it's important. But at the same time, I mean,

[Bobby]

yeah, now we believe in this concept so much here. Yeah, throw me that hat. Producer Corey we believe in this concept so much, we actually put it on hats. Presence over perfection. Like, we. We sell these in the all Pro dad store because we want dads to be present, not worry so much about being perfect. We're not telling you you got to be engaged and be absolutely 100 super dad every minute of every day. But you do need to be present. Don't check out so much. Plug in. Be there for your kids. That's how you connect with them, and that's how they feel loved.

[Ted]

Well, you know, you. You and I have teased about, you know, taking, you know, Facebook and Instagram and TikTok off our phones. And what's been very funny is the amount of times, you know, we've been doing it, what, a week? A week. But it is funny.

[Bobby]

Are you still shaking? You got the shake still.

[BJ]

Honestly, it's not. It's an interesting thing. Like, I keep going into my phone and going and going there where those. Where those icons used to be, and then I see they're not there, and I turn it off. It's it is interesting.

[Ted]

Another thing is we want to eliminate is adding constant pressure on our kids. And it can be, well meaning, like, we want you to be a good student, we want you to be a hard worker, but just this added pressure all the time. We've got it. We gotta be careful with that.

[BJ]

Well, I think it's, you know, it's communicating to our kids that you are, how you perform, you know, when we do that kind of thing. And there's nothing that I think creates more distance than, you know, having a kid who was walking through a world where there's constant pressure on them to perform, that their value comes from their performance and how they are. And that's the last thing that they need from us. When we had Chap Clark on our episode, I can't remember what episode it is, but we'll put it in the show notes, he made the point of adults saying to kids something along the lines of, I love you, but I would love you a little bit more if you made that field goal. And so communicating again to our kids, you are how you perform the last thing we want to do.

[Bobby]

Yeah. If I'm doing this, if I'm heaping pressure on my kids in this way, I hope they eliminate it. I do not want them to do that when they become parents. I don't need you to get straight A's. I don't need you to make the team. I don't need you to do anything. I want you to achieve as a dad. I want you to perform well, because I know that that's good and it's fun when you win and all that sort of stuff, but I don't need any of it. And if I'm putting pressure on them to make it even seem like I need that from, I've made a mistake. And so I want to keep an eye out for that. So I eliminate it from my own parenting.

[Ted]

Okay. We've talked a lot about what we don't want to do, what are the things that we do want to do, what are some things that we hope our kids one day say. My dad did that. I want to do that as well. And I think one of the top things is we need to listen well. When we listen well, we connect well. So we just want to be good listeners.

[BJ]

My. This past weekend, I was in. In my room, and it's right next to the living room, and I was just laying on the bed again. I think I had my phone. I was like, reading something or whatever, and I heard my son talking in the Living room and just talking and talking and talking and talking. I'm like, who's he talking on the phone to? And finally I just got curious, like after 10 minutes and I walked out there and he wasn't talking on the phone. He was talking to my wife, who is so good at asking questions that he would just. It would send him. He would launch into these long kind of things about what was going on in his life. And there have been so many times that this has happened where my wife has gotten something like this started. And then I come in and just sit there like a audience member where she's gotten this thing rolling. And then I see her asking another question, another question and another question. And then all of a sudden, we've had a three hour conversation with our son. And that's the one. That's the thing, I think, you know, one of the things I've learned from her, One of the things I've learned from her the most, I've learned a billion things, but so good at just sitting there and listening.

[Bobby]

Listening.

[BJ]

Yeah.

[Ted]

The second thing, of course, and we've said it a bunch already, but we want to prioritize our presence. You know, dads who show up make memories with their kids. You can't make memories when you're. When you're not there. So just being present is. It's so huge.

[Bobby]

Yeah. I work from home a couple days a week, and so I've been able to go pick my kids up from the homeschool co op thing that they have been doing. And I was able to get there a couple minutes early for pickup. And I kind of intercepted my youngest daughter in the hallway, and she's like, daddy, why don't you come see my classroom? I was like, all right. So I walked down the hall and I just kind of stood in the doorway because, you know, none of the kids knew who I was. And I watched and they were doing like a song and they were doing the hand motions to it. And I just kind of sat there and watched her. And she kept peeking over her shoulder, you know, two or three times to make sure I was still watching. And I kind of gave her the thumbs up, you're doing great. That sort of thing. It was so simple. But she talked about that for days, like just being there mattered. And I, I just. Encouragement to all dads. If. If you have the spare five minutes, spend the spare five minutes, make yourself present to them. It will pay off. Incredibly.

[BJ]

I came across a reel the other day that it was. It was a kid who Was at a school production, kind of like that, and just in the front row and had a very serious look on his face and looking around and the, the thing up top said when he sees his parents in the audience and all of a sudden he, you can tell he sees. And his smile. Overwhelming. Yeah,

[Ted]

well, you know, someone's got older kids, I'm telling you. I don't know a ton for sure, but I know presence for sure is one of the most important things. It's essential and just showing up. And sometimes dads will say, well, I just don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm good. Just be present, Just be there with a big smile on your face. Just.

[Bobby]

I mentioned my stepdad earlier. He was very good about this. I don't remember him missing a baseball game. If he did, it was raining or something like that. Like there was some reason that we didn't, he didn't show up. So I, I do think he did that well. And I'm trying to copy that.

[Ted]

I love that because I think sometimes we'll say, oh, I can't show up because of this very important thing at work that I promise we will not remember probably in three or four days. But man, showing up so key.

[BJ]

I, I, I think I've talked, I might have mentioned this on the podcast before, but, but my dad was traveling. He would do sales and he had a territory that was many, many hours, like 10 hours away. And so he'd be gone three weeks at a time and I would know he would be coming back. Like there was, I was at a Friday soccer practice and I knew he was coming back that day, but I was expecting to kind of get done with practice, go home and then see him. I was assuming he was gonna come home and he'd be exhausted and lay down and we got a water break and I ran over to the, I ran over the stands and there he is just watching practice. Just watching practice. Yeah.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[BJ]

He had come home and the first thing he did was get in the car, get back in the car because he had just had a 10 hour drive. And he got back in the car and came over to my practice and so great moment.

[Bobby]

Yeah.

[Ted]

You know, I think for dad's listening can be really encouraged by how you talk about your dad because you've been very honest about him not being perfect. But when you say my dad used to be gone three weeks at a time, but you can still say he was present and he was there for me. So dads that are listening are thinking, oh man, my Job keeps me away a lot, those types of things. You were sitting here all these years later going, my dad was present. So it's making it happen in your situation. You know, sometimes you can't change the situation, but you can change what's happening in the middle of it. So that's encouraging for that. Another thing I think we definitely want to do, that we want our kids to do one day, and that is to apologize.

[Bobby]

Big deal.

[Ted]

Often, if our kids know how to do anything, the low house, it is to apologize because mom and dad have had to do it so, so much. But I think dads that apologize, that apologize are going to have better relationships.

[BJ]

Well, that's one of the things that's the first thing I thought of when you were like, like, you know, I had to go back. You know, my son and I had a disagreement. I didn't handle it well. I left. Or whatever, you know, you did. You walked into. Back into the routine. But I think one of the things that changes the routine is the fact that you went back and said, I'm sorry. You deserve better from me than that. That's a massive thing. In fact, a study found that parental apologies hold the potential to safeguard the parent adolescent relationship following parental offenses. So, you know, that kind of thing really does a lot to mend. It's not that it puts white out on everything that happened before, but it certainly does a lot to really mend and get a record.

[Ted]

It does. And I think the thing that I appreciated about that whole situation is when I went back to my son, he said, well, Dad, I have to own that. I did xyz. And relationally, I was thinking, good, I'm glad you saw that. But at the same time, I thought, oh, he's, he's owning it. And that was one of my thing with my kids. Hey, once you own it, we can move forward. Until you do, we're going to be stuck here. I just wanted them to own their behavior. I was so encouraged by that.

[BJ]

But can I point something out that I think is really important about that whole exchange is the stronger person always apologizes first. And the fact that you had enough strength to go and apologize set in motion this whole thing of then. Then he is not in, you know, doubling down or embattling himself. He feels the freedom that now he can share and see the things that he brought to the table that he needed to correct it.

[Ted]

Thank you.

[Bobby]

You gotta swallow your pride a little bit sometimes and do it, you know, I had to do this two weeks ago, man. I. I Was so wrong. Our youngest daughter went paddle boarding hot. And, you know, she didn't drink any water. We told her to. She didn't eat her phone, her food that we brought. We told her to. I'm like, she's in the car. She's like, I don't feel well. I'm like, well, you should have had water. You should have had. And I even looked at her. I felt so dummy. I mean, it probably sounded like that, but I looked right at. I can't believe I did this. I looked right at her. I said, listen, you're a big kid now, okay? If you don't want to ignore what we tell you, fine. You're just gonna feel bad. You got to start listening to us. We know what's better for you. You need to drink your water, you need to eat your food, or you're just going to feel like crap the rest of the day. Five minutes later, she had to go to the bathroom, so we took her to the grocery store. She went to the bathroom, and she's like, I don't feel well. Can you carry me? She threw up down my back, all into my shoes in the parking lot. And I was like, oh, I probably should have listened to you when you said you didn't feel good. I'm standing in the middle of the parking lot, and it's just raining kid puke down my back. And I'm like, oh, idiot. I felt so bad. But what I thought was the right move was after I hosed myself off with a water bottle in the parking lot, we got back in the car, and in front of the whole family said, hey, I'm sorry. I was wrong, and I should have listened to you when you told me you weren't feeling well instead of just getting angry. And I made sure I did in front of everybody, so that not only the daughter, who I was not very kind to, heard it, but the other kids heard it. And hopefully that kind of planted a seed in their mind.

[BJ]

Yeah, well, it takes vulnerability to apologize. But again, when you do it, you model it, and they start repeating what you do. And all that does is sets them up for relational success when they get older.

[Ted]

Yeah, I think when we're in. We're talking about intentionality. We're not talking about that. We don't correct our kids. We're gonna get frustrated with our kids. I think it's just having a north of what do we want to be? Who do we want to be? Who. Who do we want our kids to be as dads? And I think when we're intentional about that, we're going to have a more peaceful home and our kids are going to ultimately have a more peaceful home. You know, this has been a longer than usual discussion, but I think this is a very important discussion. I'm glad. I'm glad we have it. Which leads us to our Pro move of the week is to think through what is one thing that I want to eliminate as a dad and then be aware of it this week and see what happens. BJ and Bobby, thank you guys being part of this conversation. Hey, if this conversation has been helpful for you, could you send it to us a friend? You probably know some dads who are just like you and they want to be great dads. As always, we want to say thank you for joining us. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.

[Producer Hayley Mwat]

Thanks again for listening to the All Pro dad podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer, Hayley Mwat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Walliffe. All Pro dad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit family for along with our motherhood program imom, we exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.