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Warning.
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The following podcast is brought to you
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by dads who can never remember the WI FI password. Welcome to the AllPradet Podcast. Hey, welcome to the AllPro Dad Podcast. I'm Ted Lowe, father of four, joined today by my buddies, Mr. Bobby Lewis, Mr. BJ Foster. Together we have nine kids and a whole lot of questions. So we'll just dive in. You guys, here's a question. What is something that you've said to one of your kids that you later regret it. Yeah.
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B
Coming to mind. So my son, you know, when he was young, was trying to learn how to tell jokes and so he, he started to just kind of make up his own. And I'm like, I'm like, no, that's not how jokes work. It's. I'm like, you. I'm just kind of telling him. I'm like, yeah, you just kind of say this and you, you know, you add a little twist at the end so maybe something they're not expecting. And he's like, okay, what about this one? And he would just kind of keep going. And it was like, oh. And I'm like, no, you, you know, you want to make, maybe create a funny picture. And I'm just trying to. And he's just not getting it, which is really odd because my.
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A
How old? He's like 17.
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B
Last week he was like, he probably was like maybe six maybe, you know, maybe six, something like that. And, and I'm like, nah, you know, and I wanted him to get it. And he's a, he's a, he's actually ironically, he's a funny kid. So he' that he's not being able to get jokes. So, so finally I'm like, I, you know, I think you need, I'm going to give you a joke book and then you can see a ton of examples and then that would be great. And he, and he's, he's like, okay, but what about this one? And I'm like, okay. I'm like, well, this is the last one because these aren't funny. And the look on his face when I said that, I'm sure that I took five years off of his life, like in that moment. And the look my wife gave me took about 15 years off of my life. Like, like, she was like, are you kidding? Like what? And so, and I like, it was very light hearted up until that point. I was like, no, this is not. He's like, ah, dang. Like, it was almost like I didn't think it would hit the mark like it did, but boy, Yeah, I. There's a part of his heart that I took and threw in the trash.
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C
I was thinking about this one because I. I couldn't really recall that many times when I did it and had, like, a reaction like your son would have had where I knew that I hurt their feelings, but I was like, all right, what have I ever done? What have I ever said? And all three of my kids are like, well, sometimes you tell us, it's just, stop asking questions when you're frustrated. And I was like, oh, sorry. I just didn't realize it. And maybe it's because I was getting a little overwhelmed with them or whatever, but I didn't realize it was hurting their feelings just by a simple question like that, you know?
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A
Wow. I wonder if our kids are glad we're hosting this podcast so they can point out these sorts of things, Right? Homan's worse than yours, bj, Which I didn't know that'd be able to top that. But no, do I need to go
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B
back into the bank?
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You guys are going to dig a little deeper, but I'm going to. You know, my kids are older, so I'm always going to win. But my oldest daughter, she was going through a lot of stress and anxiety and all the different things, and I would try to logic her out of it. We've talked about that on the podcast before. And she would just get more upset and more upset arguing back. And there were several times that I would just say, I can't take this anymore, and I'd walk out, and I think I would kind of do it. You need to go reset. But instead of saying, hey, I need to take a pause. I'll be back. I said that. And she. She explained to me later how that had hurt her, how she felt like a burden when I said that. So you're like, ouch. That's. That's really painful. So why do you guys think that we say these things that we shouldn't say? Like, what's going on? Like, we. We know better than to say these things. Why do you guys think we say it?
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B
Well, I think we're. I think we're tired. If you're anything like me, you're just tired, and you just. And you just sort of react. I mean, I. I don't think a lot of times it's like, not malice. I mean, you were talking about, like, you're just done with questions, and it's like, enough already. You know? Like, I just was. I was like, okay. We had tried out jokes for a while. You know, or like her, you've got all these things going on, and then your kids are acting emotional and. And erratic and everything. You know, it's. It's kind of chaos and you're like just. Everybody just stop. Like I. And you just sort of react and you just say stuff. And sometimes it's like, okay, we don't know, or we're mean. We're just straight up mean. And that's a big problem. But this reaction thing and being tired allows us or kind of propels us to say some pretty thoughtless words. And I think the work of kind of being a good dad is to work hard at replacing the thoughtless words with thoughtful words.
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A
That's good. That's really good.
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C
Yeah. For me, I just get frustrated in the moment. Like I've got something else on my mind. I've got work to do. I've got all these things I'm trying to accomplish and I'll just speak without thinking, you know, and not being intentional with my words. And so I can say things that I don't truly mean, probably, but they come out wrong and it hurts their feelings. And I forget too, that with my kids, like, everything's big to them. Like to them, like this problem they're asking me about or this joke they're trying to tell me, that's a big deal to them. And if it's not a big deal to me, you know, they're going to pick up on that and then it's going to hurt their feelings. So I have to kind of remember that this is big, so I should also be in it, make sure it's big to me.
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B
I mean, can I say, like I. And like, I would say this, that I think most dads out there don't. Aren't thinking intentionally about this stuff. And so they. Most of them are just kind of going, just kind of doing whatever and just reacting to kind of life. But when dads take the time to just kind of think about this stuff and work on it and be intentional and kind of do the work of being a good dad, it really makes a huge difference in terms of how we talk to our kids and how we react.
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C
Yeah. I've never intentionally set out to hurt my kids feelings, and yet it still happened. And it feels the same whether I meant to do it on purpose or didn't. Like, they're still crushed by me hurting their feelings. So I need to be way more attentive to this for sure, because I don't want that for them.
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A
That's why the question of the week this week is what are some things dads need to stop saying to their kids? And we'll talk about some things that they should, but what are some things that dads need to stop saying to their kids? We're kind of going to divide this up a little bit and talk to about sons and daughters, because every kid's different, and these are going to apply to both. But they tend to resonate more, I think, with our sons and their daughters. First one are our sons.
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B
Yeah.
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C
And I think the first thing we've got to stop saying to our sons and I've done this is you can't do it. And that's a crusher. Because sons, I think specifically, they need to know that they have what it takes. I'm good enough, I can accomplish, I can achieve. And we don't believe in them, and we tell them that they're not good enough. In some way, it's going to make them feel like they always have something to prove. And whether that's approve something in your relationships with your teams, with your teachers, with your job, whatever. Like, they're always going to be chasing something they, you know, have been told they can't do. And when maybe you step. Take a step back, you think, okay, well, maybe that's good, that's ambition. But I don't always think that's a positive thing. If we tell them they can't do something, that's going to crush them in the moment. And I don't want that.
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A
You know, we talk about on the podcast all these different things, and I always feel like, oh, I've blown it here. And I've blown it here. I feel like this is one of the ones. I'm like, I don't have the urge to tell my kids they can't do something. I probably swing the pendulum in the other direction to, you know, you guys are amazing. You can do everything. And Nancy's like, we. I don't want to be one of those American Idol parents that, you know, set their kids up with false dreams.
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B
I remember my dad telling me, and my dad never, ever told me I couldn't do anything. And he. He did it one time. He was like, you can't run a marathon. Like, that's too far. You can't run that far.
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How old were you?
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Oh, I was like, 21.
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C
And the peak time of your life when you can't.
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A
Yeah. And why can't you? Bj, when did you see?
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C
I don't know.
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B
He's just like, that's a long way to run. You can't do that. And, and, and he had never said that before. And I felt so odd. I'm like, that's weird that you would say that. And, and I, and inside of me, I'm like, you watch.
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C
Yeah. You want to prove them?
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B
You, I, you, you better get ready. And several years later, I, I did. And, and so, but, but that's. I, I do think, you know, you hit on something, Bobby, that Jim Valvano, who's the coach of NC State, just a great speaker, super optimistic guy, very upbeat. And one of the things that he said was, he said, my dad gave me the greatest gift ever. He believed in me. And, and that believing in our kids is. Has a profound effect on how they view themselves, how they view the world, how they view what they can do, what they can't. Unless you overdo it
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just on audio. I just got a stare from bj which is fair. I'll own it. I'll own it. That's right.
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B
Anyway. But yeah, that's, I mean, it's a huge thing to believe in our kids and, and to tell them that they can't do. Like, we, we don't have to tell them. I. Here's one of the phrases I really don't like. If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Look, I can put my mind to playing in the NBA. I will never play in the NBA no matter what.
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Right.
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B
We don't need to give them false, you know, like, like Nancy was saying, we don't need to give them like, kind of this false sort of bravado about all this stuff. We don't need to tell them they can accomplish everything, but we certainly don't need to tell them that they can't accomplish something like saying, look, give it a shot. You might succeed, you might not. But I believe in you. Go for it.
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A
It's good. It's good.
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B
Another one of the things that I would say that we need to stop saying, particularly to boys, is don't be a wimp, you know, or toughen up. Kind of. Kind of that. Toughen up. Don't, you know, don't be, don't be a whim or you're not strong enough. Like, I think that is something that the worst thing possible for boys is to be. Is to be perceived as weak and for their father to perceive him as weak. This is the man who is the one that's going to bring you into manhood. And for that person to say, you're not strong enough I'll just. I'll never forget a friend of mine when he was a kid, there was this whole thing of rocks that needed to be moved from one area to another. And he was like, can I start working on that, dad? And he was like, no. He's like, you're let your brothers do that. You're not strong enough. And he carried that into his 30s from age 7, just kind of every time. It was always in the back of his head. Every time he set out to do something, whether it was physical or anything else, he heard, you're not strong enough. When you're strong enough, you're not strong enough. You're not strong enough. And so it's one of those things that I think undermines the perseverance or.
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C
Yeah, and a very similar parallel idea is you're not. Fill in the blank physical trait enough, right? So my. My son, he's. He's a little bit shorter than a lot of the kids in his age group. A lot of the kids on his little hockey team, he's shorter than them. And his sister is much taller than kids in her age group. And so he notices that. He's like, well, I'm. I'm. Must be something wrong with me. I'm little. And I was like, no, but there's nothing wrong with being a little bit shorter. It's fine. But I'm very particular when I talk to him about, you know, just who he is physically. I don't say things like, oh, you're gonna hit a growth spurt one day, because it even subliminally tells him, like, you're not what you should be right now. I don't want that at all. So in the same vein of don't be a wimp, don't be weak. I don't ever want to say something, you know, to make him think he's less than in an area he can't control. He can't control how tall he is. You know, he has no control over that. So I don't want to make him think, like, he's just not good enough, because he's not. Whatever. You fill in the blank, you know,
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A
when I'm thinking about words, whether kids and tomatoes, speaking life into them and believing in them. My sons are so different. I've got one who. They could lose a game, and he could. When he would debrief it afterwards, he was still a champion, you know. And then his brother.
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B
You're not.
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A
That's not in the champ category. But I would just, you know, live in that Delusion. It's a beautiful land. And so I think with my other son, he's like, oh, it just so the difference. He would do things great and he would find a nitpick. And you're going, oh, it's the same kid. Right? I remember when my second son, when he went to take his driver's test, you know, I go in, I sit down, I'm thinking, I'm going to be there for a while. And he walks back in in about 10 minutes, and there's a tear running down his face. And he's. He's my very calm, stoic kid. And I'm like, what's up? He goes, I failed. And I'm seeing. Oh, God. And it's killing. I could still see the look on his face. And so when we were leaving, this lady walks up and was working at the dmv, and she knocks on the window and she says, hey, I need to let you know that we had somebody here from the state you normally, that would not have been a deal killer for getting your driver's license, but we're just being a little bit more strict today because of that. So I think, thank you, God, for that. And so we're driving off. I said, buddy, do you feel better now? And he said, no, I backed over a cone, you know, and so even when somebody comes up, knocks on the window, go, you're not a failure. Even when it's not me, it's like, sure, I'm a failure. So it's these things. We've got to keep speaking into them. Especially with some kids, they need even. Even more.
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C
Tell them not to feel bad because I failed my driver's test on my 16th birthday.
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A
Did you run over Collins?
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C
I did. It's. It was in the wrong spot. I believe that it was
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story. And you're sticking to it.
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C
Yeah. Yeah.
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Another thing we need to stop saying is, I'm disappointed in you. You know, we need to make it clear that, you know, they're going to have disappointing behavior. And that's okay to say. I'm, you know, I'm disappointed that you made that choice. But to say I'm disappointed in you, it just runs deeper. Right?
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B
Yeah. I. I'll never forget I was a chaplain for a football team, and the coach was phenomenal. And he would. He had this before the. Every season, he would have a senior retreat. He would give every senior an opportunity to get up and say something. Coaches would get up and say something. And I'll never forget this one big defensive lineman, star of the team. And he just relayed this story of his dad looking at him and saying, you're a disappointment. And as he was talking about it, he's sobbing the whole time. And this kid is, was an achiever in every way. And not even, just, not even just he, he was tough, he was a tremendous player, good student, but he was a kind, really kind person. And I just couldn't imagine, number one, thinking that about this kid, but saying it. You know, I'm trying to, I, you know, try not to be judgmental, but, man, I just. Boy, there was something about this that just. And it, you could see that it ripped the kid's soul out.
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A
I'm thinking about, you know, God's on a run right now. They're driving down the road in the car, coming home from work. Just, this is the stuff that matters, right? This is the stuff that maybe we don't think about. This stuff just matters. Just words are such a big deal. And we've got to catch them doing things that are great. We've got to find out those things. I mean, this is, this is something I love to do as a dad. I love catching my kids doing stuff, right? You watch it happen. And one of the things that I've learned from a friend of mine is what I call second hand affirmation, where you say, hey, hey, buddy, your coach was telling me how hard you've been working. You know, hey, sweetheart, you're, you're, you're crushing it at school, whatever those things are. Your teacher said you're doing great. Another thing is just when you affirm them, it's timing. I think it is everything I've always found with my boys, especially not to affirm when they're having a really hard time, which sounds weird, but I think it rings disingenuous. Or you're just saying that because I'm upset or I'm crying. Just, you know, let them sit in it for a little bit, buddy, I'm sorry you're hurting. And then come back around and go, hey, I know that was tough, but I think you're, I think you're great at this.
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C
I think you hit the bullseye a second ago, Ted, when you said it's okay to be disappointed in the choice, but not to ever say, I'm disappointed in you. Totally different targets, right? If I'm disappointed in the choice, that means there was a behavior or decision that's happened. You know, that doesn't really line up with our family values. We don't want to promote that. But to Say I'm disappointed in, that's way deeper. That hits something totally different in their soul. And so very big distinction. I think it's fine to say I'm disappointed in the fact that you cheated on the test. You know, that's a decision, that's a choice you made. But to say I'm disappointed in you, it hits their ear in a much different way. So I'm going to, I'm going to avoid that at home for sure.
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B
Well, yeah, you can even tell your kids, like, look, I'm, I've been disappointed in my own behavior. Yes, it's good, you know, like just kind of relay and like, hey, you know, we all do things that are disappointing.
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C
Yeah.
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A
Yeah. And one of the things that I think communicates this sometimes to be able to say, hey, hey, buddy, that doesn't sound like you. That's not you, like, what was up? What's going on? I think that, you know, separate, that helps separate the behavior from the words.
- [17:48]
C
Yeah. One more thing that I think we say to our sons, or at least I know I've said to my son that we got to stop saying is, hey, I'm working on something right now. I'm busy doing something important. You're gonna have to wait. And if that's a one off, like, okay, maybe, fine, we all have specific things that we got a deadline or we're trying to get things done. But if you do this consistently over and over again and you're pushing your kid off to the back burner and you're focusing on other things, that's difficult because you're telling them, you're pointing out to them that you're consistently choosing something over them. And that's a problem. We gotta stop saying that our kids deserve our attention. And so I'm gonna keep this in mind because I'm prone to say this myself and kind of cut that out because I don't want them to think they're less important than anything else going on in my life.
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B
And the bare minimum, I think, with that is even if you are like, okay, I, I, hey, buddy, I'm working on something right now. I will give me, give me 10 minutes and then follow through and go to them. So there's so many times I think you see kind of dads and I'm kind of guilty of this as well. They push them up and then forget and, and they don't come back to them.
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A
Yeah. You know, somebody's a little bit down the road from this to go, you're not going to Remember that task, you know you're not going to remember that, that task typically go play with your kid, you know, go do those, those things. I know at work though, you know, especially if you're working from home, you have to sound set the boundaries and like you said, I'm going to get with you in a minute. But just those are those things it's priority to come. You, you matter more to me than anything else that's going on. So switching gears to daughters, what are some things that we need to stop saying to them?
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B
Oh, I think any, like immediately what comes to mind is anything that has to do with their weight, like have you gained weight? You know, it's just immediately put some attention on something that they have enough attention on.
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C
Yeah, yeah. And, and just comparison in general. I think whether it's weight looks, you know, comparison to friends, harsh. It can, if it's a positive comparison, then there's a tendency that maybe that child could start becoming arrogant or prideful. If it's a negative comparison, they could lose self esteem. So just comparison in general, especially physical things, I never don't do that.
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A
I think we have to be so careful what we say to girls about food, about oh you're eating too much or do you really need that? And those types of things, it is so delicate because they, you in many ways they interpret, oh, does dad think that I'm just, we gotta be so careful with that. Right?
- [20:23]
C
Well, it kind of to me sounds a lot like the point we made about sons with you're, you're not strong enough, you're not weak enough. If we're, we're saying things about height, weight, whatever physical attributes for our daughters, you're not pretty enough, you're not good enough, whatever. It's the same sort of idea. But boys and girls, you know, they're different and they internalize things differently. To be told you're weak as a boy crusher. To be told you're not pretty as a girl. Oh, like, like we can't do that with a girl.
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B
Well, there's so many, I mean there's so many messages that go into girls already that their value is based on their looks or whatever, you know, what their weight is. And so, and there's a good amount of that comes from guys who are their peers who are looking at them and they want to look at these girls because they look a certain way. And if there's one guy that should be sending the message to their, to, to this girl that her value is way bigger, far beyond anything that she looks like it's the death.
- [21:26]
C
And already social media is telling her that anyway, you know what I mean? Or like what they're wearing at school is telling them that already. So we can't pile on in the same way. In fact, we gotta come up and say, how you doing? How you feeling?
- [21:37]
A
You know, another one is, stop being so dramatic. Yeah, stop being so dramatic. It's, it's crushing. I've said it before, don't need to say it. And we, we can say it a million different ways with a roll of the eye, you know. You know, for me it's, I can't do this right now because we're in that moment rejecting who they are in these emotions that they're having. Right.
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B
Well, and you know, here's the reality. Like sometimes they are over dramatic. Like our kids sometimes are overdramatic. It's not just girls. But to say that in the moment, stop being so dramatic, it's very real in the moment. Whatever they're feeling and whatever logic or perspective, you know, alignment you're attempting is just going to fall flat. So it's best to just kind of, okay, yeah, let's, let's kind of dive. Why are you feeling that way? You know, giving them a little bit of empathy. And then later, you know, they'll probably, A lot of times they realize, okay, I blew it, you know, like I over blew that thing. But you can, you can. Then at that point later when they calm down, it's going to be like, hey, you know, you, you really went off there. Do you think that was a proportionate response? Do you think, you know, like, kind of talk to them like, hey, do you think this is as big deal, is this a big deal as it was 10 minutes ago?
- [23:02]
C
Another thing dads have to stop saying to their daughters is you're just like your mother. Unless it's a compliment, then that's great. Like, oh, I love. You're so caring, just like your mother. That's fine. But if you're using it as a negative, what you're doing is you're introducing the idea that there's a problem with mom, that mom and dad aren't on the same team. And maybe this is tricky if you're a dad who's divorced, because this would be hard. There's a lot of feelings there. We cannot say to our daughters, you're just like your mother in a negative way because it's going to introduce the idea that she's gonna have to earn love because mom's not you Know, being treated well or whatnot. Can't do that. Compliments, good. Negative comparison. No, don't do that with your daughters.
- [23:42]
A
Here's. Here's another saying. We need to stop saying, if you had only done X, you would have done even better. So, you know, say, man, you played a great game today, but maybe next time when you're up to bat, do this. So you've just negated the compliment, you know, and we do it right. Like, we so want to do it, because we want what's best for them. We want them to succeed at things. But, you know, wow, great grade. Maybe next time if you'll study a little bit harder, you'll do a little bit better. So just not tie in those things. Just hit the positive full stop.
- [24:23]
B
And with teens, like, I think it's really important. A lot of times we are. We really come in on them with a lot of advice, particularly.
- [24:32]
A
They love it.
- [24:33]
B
Oh, they love it. Yeah. They can't wait for us to give them advice. And I think there's a part of us where we feel the pressure because they're going to be leaving soon. So it's like, we got to get it all in. And we just come at them with all those things. And I'm telling you, the best thing that you can do for teens is to wait for them to come to you, because they will. And. And you just gotta wait for them to want it. If they want your advice, just. Just ask them a lot of questions like, hey, how the. How's that going? What are you thinking about that?
- [25:05]
A
So they don't feel abandoned. They know you really care, but, yeah, you're gonna listen. Yeah, they're gonna help them process it on their own.
- [25:12]
B
And if you. You start asking them questions and they, you know, they're like, whoa. You know, they're. They expect that they're probably gonna push back. Like, yeah, it's fine. Like, you know, they might even react, like, why are you interrogating me? Okay, back off then. Because I guarantee you at midnight, they're gonna walk into your room and be like, hey, you know, or they'll just sort of walk in and they'll just sort of be there. And you're like, I'm ready to go to sleep. And that's when they're ready to talk about.
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A
That's good. That's. That's important, you know. So what are some things that we should say?
- [25:49]
C
Oh, well, number one, I love you. Undefeated. You can't say it too many times. Say it over and over. Say it Every day. Say it 100 times a day if you have to. I love you. I love you. I love you. Sons, daughters, they need to hear that.
- [26:01]
A
Absolutely. We started playing this game with their kids, this Q A game when they were tiny. Even our first went, say, when do I love you? All the time.
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C
All the time.
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A
Do I love you when you're mad? Yep. Do I love you when you're sad? Yep. Do I love you when you obey? Yep. Why do I love you? And they were little nickel all the time. And it's this thing. We will still say it to them, you know, because. Especially when they're feeling down and just attaching that to behavior, you know, I just love you all the time.
- [26:26]
B
I think another one that I would say is, is I'm grateful to be your dad. It's just kind of lets them know, boy, this is a real prep. You know, I love the Rocky in the movie Rocky Balboa. He's talking to his son. He's like, you know, just watch. Just being your dad and just watching grow up, it was like a privilege every day. And.
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A
Yeah.
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B
So if we can say stuff like that, it gives them the affirmation that they need.
- [26:48]
A
That's good. Another one is I believe in you. I believe in you. Her daughter in fifth grade comes down with the baton, and she goes, I'm going to be in the talent show. And we're both sitting there like, you know, Nancy, I don't. American Idol parent. And she was like, I don't know about that. You know, hold on.
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B
You can't do that.
- [27:05]
A
So she called her friend. The kids were older, and she said, you let that girl twirl her heart out. And she did. After Nancy made her go through lots of rehearsals, she killed it. We'll put it in the show notes. But it was just. It was one of those pieces of advice. It sounds small, but you just. I believe in you. Just go for it. You know, it's not life and death with all this. So this is a good one. This is so important, you guys. It's so. Our words are such a big deal to how our kids will feel about themselves and how they will. They will grow up. So let's jump into our pro move of the week and try this. This is important, is to give your kids a new affirmation every day this week. Give your kids a new affirmation every day this week. And then let us know what happens. We'd love that.
- [27:51]
B
Love it.
- [27:52]
A
We'd love that. You guys. Thanks for hanging out with me. And as always, we want to say thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids
- [27:58]
B
will be glad that you did.
- [28:01]
D
Thanks again for listening to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing producer, Haley Mwat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Wolfe. AllProdad is the fatherhood program of the non profit Family first along with our motherhood program IMOM. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.