B (2:33)

Well, it's good.

A (2:34)

I mean, I'll never forget it. I think at one point I was being bullied pretty, you know, pretty mercilessly. It was awful. It came to a head one day. My mom is very tough and kind of a fighter, and she grabbed the bully and I and just put us in the backyard and said, you guys fight. And we fought, and I lost. And. And that can be a super humiliating. That's a very humiliating experience. You know, like, you. You get bullied, you fight them, you lose. That can bring on more torment. And that's when my dad stepped in and. And met with his dad. And from that day on, not only did I not get bullied anymore, but he was kind to me.

B (3:21)

So your dad stepped in and met with the other kid's right dad, going, no more.

A (3:26)

Well, he didn't really. It was interesting the way he did it. He kind of said, you know, your son. And he said all true things. He said, you know, your son's a leader.

B (3:34)

Like.

A (3:34)

Like, he is a leader. People follow him. And yet this is how he's using his leadership capability. And he has so much more potential to it. You know, like I. And he even told. He told the other day, he said, I think your son could be president, but in the way that he applies himself, if he applied it this way instead of this way, he would be much more fruitful. And I think that made an impact.

B (3:59)

Wow. And so instead of getting out his angst on this other dad. No.

A (4:03)

Yeah.

B (4:03)

Yeah. He did the right thing.

A (4:04)

Yeah.

B (4:04)

He kind of thought he could be the president.

A (4:06)

What's the best for all kids in this situation?

B (4:08)

That's great.

A (4:09)

Yeah.

B (4:09)

Well, that leads us to our big question of the week is how can dads be the protector of their kids? How do we do that?

A (4:17)

Yeah. Well, I think. Number one. You got it. We offer physical protection, preventing injury, giving physical security. I think dad's presence alone, I think kind of offers that to kids. I'll. I mean, I remember. I don't know if this is true for you, but when my dad, he. He would. He was in sales, he'd be gone for three weeks. But when he came home, there was just something that felt like I was safer. Like when he kind of stepped into

B (4:50)

just his presence, like, let's protect her strength in the home.

A (4:53)

Yeah. We're bigger, we're stronger. We can step in and we can offer that shield and security, you know, and. And we need to be that and take that seriously for our kids, especially when they're little. I mean, absolutely.

B (5:08)

You know, you see dads, they'll grab their kids on to keep them from stepping or stopping. You know, part of having ADHD is, like, lack of impulse control. And so my dad had to do that way too long, but just. He would throw his hand in front of me or grab me by the arm. It would just be those things. And I remember thinking when I was with him that he was going to help, that he wasn't going to respond to that. Which leads to our second one, and that is being the protector emotionally, that when our kids come to us, that we protect them by being calm and let them cope and figure out all these difficult emotions. Because it's just not the case for so many dads with, what are you doing? You know, knock it up, knock it off, Grow up. Stop it. You know, reel that back in. So it's just so huge to be their protector emotionally by letting them have emotions. Don't be disrespectful. But I'm gonna remain calm, and I'm gonna be. I'm going to feel like a protector because I'm so safe to talk to.

A (6:09)

And that's. I think that's something that dads, I think, struggle with. That. That's one that doesn't come. That doesn't come easily to us to. Because in order to do that, you kind of have to sit in some discomfort.

B (6:20)

Yeah. For sure.

A (6:21)

You got to be willing to kind of go, okay, like, we just want to. If you're anything like me, I just want to wrap it up. I just want to tie this off. I want everything to be okay, and I want to wrap it up quick. Whereas, you know, they are a person who have difficult emotions. They have sorrow. They have. You know, and if you're going to be a safe place, you're going to have to have the willpower to sit in that with them.

B (6:49)

The willpower. That's the perfect way. I've always been naturally a fixer and a teacher. Let me fix this. Let me teach. That's been the toughest thing. But like you said, it's the willpower to sit there being comfortable for them and for you. Because I want to rescue my kids. Right. I want to emotionally jump. Jump and put them in the pool.

A (7:07)

Right, right.

B (7:07)

And it's a totally different kind of strength. Right. When it's.

A (7:10)

When it's emotional, I feel like it takes more strength.

B (7:13)

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I can. I can do that. I'll throw you in the pool all day long.

A (7:17)

Right.

B (7:17)

You know, but I think it's being there for them emotionally. I was. I was at the gym, and I was. Watch these three kids, teenagers, and they're. They're being. Is. My dad says Knuckleheads. And this guy comes over from the gym, and he tells him, calm down. They start cussing him out, but one of them does. And so next thing I know, he's taking them almost like the principal's office, right? And so I didn't think anything else about it. And then I go to this other section, and I can see the kid sitting there in a glass office, just looking like he was. You know, he just looked way coward down. And it wasn't the kid that was screaming. And so he's sitting there. So I watched who I found out later was the kid's dad. And he starts walking. He walks into the office. He stays about 30 seconds, he steps out and he goes, I don't care what you do with the kid. I wasn't there. I don't know what happened. And he turned around and walked out. Now there's part of me thinking, hey, good, let the kid fight his own battles. You know, you did this, you have the consequences. But at the same time, when he says, I don't care. I don't know what happened, right? Why don't you know and why don't you care and why don't you find out what happened, right? Like, that's your kid. You don't. You don't know this guy probably that's working at the gym. And then I watched the dad step out, and he's frustrated, and the kid walks right past. Dad doesn't look at him. He stands by the elevator. He crosses his arm. And now you can see this look in the dad's eye. Like, now I'm afraid, huh? Like, it was this thing that was disconnected on both ends. I'm so frustrated to this kid's like, oh, I've done something. Now we're distant. So I think it's in those moments that we're calm, you know? Not that we don't get consequences, but they need to know that we are seeking, that we care more about them. We're gonna give them the benefit of the doubt first, and then we'll deal with it. But it was just one of those moments. I said, oh, bud, you need to. You need to be there.

A (9:16)

Yeah, well, I think that's one of the. I think that's one of the biggest parts about being a protector, is you have to be engaged, right? You have to engage. Like, that's one of the things, you know, when we watch Top Gun, it's like maverick engaged. It's like he's entering into the battle. You can handle that situation in a Lot of different ways he could have gone in and said, yeah, you shouldn't have done that. Kick him out. And you know what? I'm going to have a discussion with you when we get home about how you're supposed to talk to people. And that's another way of preparing them and protecting them for later in terms of their relationships. But to kind of disassociate yourself, that's the thing. It's just kind of like. It feels like in that story, I am. I'm wiping. I'm gonna remove myself from the situation that I think is disengagement. And that's a problem there. There's. There's no protection in there. There's no fathering going on there. And that's a problem.

B (10:14)

It is. And we can't walk away when it's hard. Right? We just can't. And some of the most regrettable moments for me as a dad is when my kids would argue back, like they weren't listening to the teaching, you know, And I would say, I can't deal with this right now.

A (10:31)

Walk away.

B (10:32)

And it breaks my heart now thinking about it. And my daughter said to me, she goes, when you do that, when you do that, it really hurts. Which, ah, I did that to baby girl. You know what I mean? And I think about it now, and I think, you know, if I do that to her, she's gonna expect her future husband to do that to her. This is what we do. When I get emotional, it's safe. He doesn't stay when it's hard. And we've got to be their protector mentally. Right. We got to help guide them through challenges. Yes. And there are times we offer advice, but it's not in the middle of the emotion. Right. And we have to help them to develop resilience. And I think about the example in the gym. That would have been a great opportunity for this dad. Probably later, probably big teaching moment then. But to be, hey, we're going to talk about this and we're going to process this.

A (11:23)

I remember you telling me that story before and being like, well, good. You know, that's what, you know, hey, I kick them out. But we need to be engaged, though, while we let them experience these things. And they do need to experience these things. They need to experience difficulty. And we can't always just be in front of. Being a protector doesn't mean being in front of them plowing everything out of the way. Like, I'll never forget. A great reminder of this for me is I was. This is one of my sweetest moments as a dad. We had one of those baby pool slides in the backyard, and it had sprinklers on it. And I was crawling around in there with my kids, and my daughter was. I think she was like 2, maybe 3 years old, and I was just kind of crawling around on all floors, and so was she. And the water's coming down on us and the sprinklers are hitting her head, and. And she crawled, like, underneath me and just kind of sat underneath my shield to shield her from the rain that was, you know, from the sprinklers that was coming down. And this is always a reminder of this role of protector that dads play, but it's also a great reminder that my job is not to just shelter over her for her entire life, that she's going to need to step out at some point or another and face the rain.

B (12:53)

And.

A (12:53)

And how do I guide her in that? How do I teach her in that?

B (12:56)

So good. So good. Those kind of stories make. They're just inspiring to me, for lack of a better word. Just, ah, this. I want to be this. Like, I want to be this protector for my kids. Another way we need to be protective of our kids is socially, you know, and when we do need to advocate for them, you know, protecting their reputation or ensure they treated fairly, like, to. To be involved. We talk a lot about social media here. To be involved in that and going, are they. Are they being protected? You know, one of the examples for me, I think I've told it on the podcast before, but it's. I think it speaks to so much. What we're talking about was I got unfairly accused of doing something at school, and a lot of kids were mad at me. The principal was livid with me and wouldn't hear a word that I said. And so my dad had always handled things like, hey, you know, if you got in trouble at school, you got in trouble at home. Like, there wasn't a lot of questions asked. But during this, he saw how much it meant to me. He said, do you want me to go there and do you want me to wipe the halls with this guy's butt? Now, this was the 80s, so we're not advocating for that. I didn't want him to. I didn't want him to make it worse. But I have never felt more protected socially than I did in that moment. Right. And so being a protector, it's just so huge. Socially, protecting them by. What are you watching online? What are people saying to you? And protecting their heart yeah, yeah.

A (14:27)

Well, I think there's that aspect of it which is absolutely 100%. Then there's this other aspect of just preparing them for the dangers that are out there kind of socially, I think, in particular females. I mean, I had a friend who was just out at a bar one night and a guy put something in her drink. And so all of a sudden she is. I mean, her thoughts aren't coming. Clearly she can't figure things out. It's like time disappears. Like, she would be at a table one minute and then the next minute she would be in the bathroom and not know how she got there. And then she would, you know, and then there was this guy who was constantly flashes of him in her face the entire. And he's the guy that, that put it in. And fortunately she was able. She was able to get away. And, you know, it didn't get worse than it was. But there are plenty of stories out there of things that have happened to, you know, others that, that didn't turn out as well. And so preparing them for the dangers, like, dangers like that, hey, what are you going to encounter? Hey, when you, when, when you head out here into this dark place or, you know, where there might be people lurking, there might be people out there that mean ill will, and you need to be on the lookout for those things and how to handle that. You might have friends that seem like friends, but they're undercutting you. And we are able to see all those angles where they're not as able to easily see them.

B (16:09)

My kids refer to my dad as OSHA just because he is the ultimate, like, here's what could happen. This could go wrong. So my whole life, it was always worst case scenario. We were driving the road and he goes, a car just pulls out in front of you. What do you do? What are you doing? Hit him, Crash. You can't do me like that. He literally brought orange flags to our house. Like you do when the sprinkler systems come to all the places that his grandchildren could be hurt. So that was a little bit overkill. But I think protecting our kids too, you know, to speak, to talk to them, hey, here's what could happen. Here's what people are doing, you know, and even like being able to do things like with their car, it's, you know, to say, hey, what happens if your car breaks down? Like, do you get on the side of the road? Do you wait, how does that work? My daughter, she calls me and she said, dad, there were two guys standing around and I was the one that changed the tire. You know, she felt so empowered by that, but I never wanted her to feel like a damsel in distress during those types of situations. And so protecting them is those things, like you said, protecting them from things that could happen. Go, oh, remember my dad saying this? They'll probably roll their eyes sometimes when you're telling the story, but it's always amazing when they do those things that, you know, that we told them, you actually listen. That's amazing.

A (17:26)

So finally, I would say another way we can protect our kids is spiritually. And there might be plenty of guys who are listening to this podcast who might not believe in God or anything like that, and that's fine. But. But the reality is that praying for your kids is never going to hurt. The reality is that there may be a God who exists and there may be a God who cares. And so praying protection over your kids, not just physically, but praying for their thoughts, how they think about themselves, how they think about other people, all of those things. At a bare minimum, it's going to get you to focus in and think about your kids and their needs and where you need to step in. Bare minimum, it's focused thinking on your kids. However, that's like the very least, the very greatest aspect is that there is a God of the universe who created everything, who could potentially want to be intimately involved in protecting and guiding your kids. And so praying for your kids is never going to hurt. It's only going to help. So praying over there, and so that's something that I. I believe wholeheartedly and sincerely, is that there is a God who loves my kids more than even I do. And so I am going to invite that God to come in and help me protect. By all means.

B (18:56)

I love that. Me as well. I mean, that's. That's a huge thing. And it's like you said, calms us down. Right. It's. Praying for our kids is also helping us, posturing us in a good way, for sure. And with that, bj, let's go to our pro move of the week. This week, be looking for an opportunity to be more of a protector of your kids.

A (19:14)

Yeah. So think about, okay, so think physically, what can I do? Emotionally, what can I do? Mentally, how can I protect them? Socially, how can I protect them and spiritually? Pick one of those five and see maybe what's one thing that you can add? What's one thing that you can improve on?

B (19:36)

Bj, thank you. Great discussion. Hey, if you've enjoyed today's podcast and you enjoy All Pro dad resources. Just go to allprodad.com you'll find a lot of good tools there. But most of all, we want to say thank you. Thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.

C (19:55)

Thanks again for listening to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer, Haley Mwat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Wolfe. Allprodad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit Family first, along with our motherhood program imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.