What Should I Do When My Kids Are Scared?

Summary

All Pro Dad Podcast: "What Should I Do When My Kids Are Scared?"
Date: January 12, 2026
Hosts: Ted Lowe, BJ Foster, Bobby Lewis

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the hosts delve into a common parenting challenge: how dads should respond when their kids are scared. Drawing from personal stories, their own children's fears, and research, they discuss the origins of childhood fears, how to distinguish between fear and worry, why acknowledging fear matters, and practical strategies dads can use to help their kids build bravery. The conversation is honest, empathetic, and peppered with humor—reminding listeners that fatherhood is a journey with plenty of questions and not always easy answers.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Childhood Fears: Personal Reflections

• Opening Stories (00:16 – 04:31)
  • The hosts share fears from their own childhoods—from creepy stuffed animal clowns (inspired by "Poltergeist") and losing parents (Bobby), to the fear of the dark and the band KISS (BJ and Ted).
  • Memorable Quote:
    "So like every—All the movies kind of geared to it. So I was very afraid of my parents dying." — Bobby Lewis (02:17)
  • They discuss how kids' imaginations amplify their nighttime fears.

Kids’ Fears Today

• Kids’ Current Fears (05:32 – 08:55)

  • The hosts describe their own children's irrational and practical fears, like bugs, ceiling fans, being alone, and performing in public.
  • Notable Moment: Bobby recounts the flying roach incident in his son's hand—"It’s like the guy and the Godfather, the horse head in his bed. That's how freaked out he got." (06:49)

• Serious Underlying Fears

  • For older kids, fear of change, trying new things, or unpredictability become predominant.
  • Ted notes that for his 14-year-old, fears are shifting towards social situations.

Fear vs. Worry: Why It Matters

• Distinguishing Between Fear and Worry (09:23 – 10:10)

  • The hosts clarify that fear pertains to immediate, present dangers, while worry refers to future, hypothetical problems.
  • Quote:
    "Fear is something that's happening in the present...worries are a future problem. So today we're not talking about worries, we're talking about fears." — BJ Foster (09:35)

• A Dad’s Role

  • Acknowledging the type of distress helps dads choose the right way to help—a physical response for immediate fear, and emotional reassurance for worry.

How Fears Change Over Time

• Age-Related Shifts (11:14 – 12:42)
  • Young children’s fears are often imaginary (monsters, separation from parents).
  • Older kids' fears skew to social concerns: bullying, failure (as highlighted by Pew and show research).
  • Quote:
    "So overall, like, it's bullying. But I think one of the biggest fears, particularly for older kids, is failure." — Bobby Lewis (11:55)

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Strategies for Dads: Responding to Kids’ Fears

1. Acknowledge, Don’t Dismiss (13:12 – 14:45)

• Avoid minimizing kids' fears, even if they seem irrational to adults.
• Quote:
  "So we have to acknowledge what they're feeling and not just fluff it off. Because we're older and we're not feeling the same thing." — Ted Lowe (13:12)
• Create space for honest conversations about what's making them scared.

2. Share Your Own Stories (15:05 – 15:22)

• Relate personal experiences of fear to make kids feel understood and less alone.
• Encourage conversation: "When I was your age, I was scared of this, too..."

3. Be Careful With Your Words (16:25 – 17:20)

• Avoid projecting your own fears onto your children.
• Children overhear and internalize parental anxieties; "choosing your words, that's important." — BJ (17:20)
• Overblown warnings (like “stranger danger”) can inadvertently feed anxiety.

4. Encourage Independence & Exposure (19:24 – 24:55)

• Allow appropriate, age-based opportunities for kids to face their fears, like running errands alone or navigating mildly challenging situations, while ensuring safety.
• Stories:
  • Ted lets his son figure out how to return after drifting down the beach (24:01 – 24:55):
    "He surveyed, figured it out, and he made his way back. And I think that was a growth moment."
  • Bobby and BJ discuss letting kids bike around the neighborhood, and BJ recounts giving his kids freedom to explore on their grandfather's farm.
• Key Insight:
  "Fear gives an opportunity to build bravery. Bravery is something that's built like a muscle that needs to be exercised." — Bobby Lewis (25:28)

5. Let Kids Experience ‘Good’ Fear (25:47 – 28:05)

• Examples: jumping off a pier, tubing at the lake.
• Encourage and celebrate efforts to push their own boundaries—even if there are tears or hesitations at first.

6. Ask Reflective Questions & Offer Reassurance (28:05 – 29:42)

• Good questions:
  • Is this an immediate danger?
  • Why might they be feeling this way?
  • Have I dismissed their feelings?
  • What do I need to say right now?
• Helpful responses:
  • "I hear you."
  • "You can do this."
  • "I'm with you."
• Quote:
  "What your kids need more than anything is not to just you to sweep in and be the hero and just wipe all fear away. They need you to stand there and hold their hand when they feel it." — Ted Lowe (29:42)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Childhood Fears and Movies:
  "That's every Disney movie ever. Yeah, ever. That's the storyline." — Ted Lowe (01:59)

• On Social Fears for Teens:
  "Change is like a big fear of theirs…anything that's, like, unpredictable is kind of difficult. It can be hard." — Bobby Lewis (07:13)

• On Distinction Between Fear and Worry:
  "A fear…might require immediate physical response...a worry might require immediate emotional response." — Ted Lowe (10:10)

• On the Power of Acknowledgment:
  "Dismissing it because you know that there's no monster under the bed doesn't make the fear go away." — Ted Lowe (13:12)

• On the Parental Impact:
  "If you are projecting fear, the kid's natural response is, well, I guess I should be afraid too." — Ted Lowe (18:44)

• On Helping Kids Build Bravery:
  "Bravery is something that’s built like a muscle that needs to be exercised." — Bobby Lewis (25:28)

• On Being Present for Scared Kids:
  "They need you to stand there and hold their hand when they feel it and eventually they'll get through it." — Ted Lowe (29:42)

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Important Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------------|-----------| | Childhood fears: personal stories | 00:16–04:31| | Kids’ current fears (funny vs. real) | 05:32–08:55| | Fear vs. worry distinction | 09:23–10:10| | Age-related shift in fears | 11:14–12:42| | How to respond: acknowledge and validate | 13:12–15:22| | The power of parental words | 16:25–17:20| | Projecting fears and encouraging independence | 18:44–25:28| | Building bravery through experience | 25:28–28:05| | Reflective questions for parents | 28:05–29:42|

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Actionable Takeaways

• Distinguish between present fears and future worries; respond accordingly.
• Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings; don’t minimize or try to talk them out of their fear.
• Be mindful of what you say—kids absorb your anxieties and attitudes.
• Encourage brave behaviors by offering appropriate opportunities for independence and reinforcing their efforts.
• Hold space for fear, share your own vulnerable stories, and reassure your kids that you’re with them in hard moments.
• Let children exercise bravery gradually, like a growing muscle—don’t shelter them from every difficulty.

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Pro Move of the Week

Next time your kid shares a fear:
Tell them about a time you were scared, how you responded, and how bravery grew from it. Remind them: “You can do this.”

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The episode offers a candid, empathetic discussion about one of parenting’s most universal struggles. It encourages dads to face their kids’ fears with acknowledgment, wisdom, and a gentle push toward courage—leaving both kids and parents a little braver for the journey.

Transcript

[Ted Lowe]

Warning. The following podcast is brought to you

[BJ Foster]

by dads who think cereal counts as dinner. Welcome to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Hey, welcome to the All Pro Dad Podcast. I'm Ted Lowe, joined today by my buddy BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis.

[Ted Lowe]

Hey, man.

[BJ Foster]

How are you guys? Good.

[Ted Lowe]

Good, good.

[BJ Foster]

Yeah. Together we have nine kids and a whole lot of questions, so we're just going to dive right on in. What were you afraid of as a kid? I can't wait to hear this. What were you afraid of as a kid?

[Bobby Lewis]

Okay, so I have two. I have a dumb one and kind of a little bit more of a real one. But the, the really dumb one is I was 8 years old and I went to see the movie Poltergeist in a theater. And I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Poltergeist, but there's a little boy who has this creepy looking clown like stuffed animal doll and he's kind of afraid of. He's kind of afraid of it. It's a creepy looking doll and at the very end it comes to life and attacks him and it wraps it's like little creepy arms around him and drags him under the table. And the funny thing is. And so from that, I was afraid of stuffed animal clowns, but like, it turned out to be not a difficult foe. Like he ended up just grabbing it, throwing it on the bed and ripping the stuffing, which is about what would it take to beat a stuffed animal? That's pretty much it. So, like I was afraid of stuffed animal clowns forever, which was bad. But I. But I think my real fear, like when I was a kid was becoming an orphan. Like I was afraid of my kids die. I was afraid of my parents dying. Like I movies when we were kids, it was like every single movie had a parent that was either dead already or died in the movie.

[BJ Foster]

Yeah. Welcome to my real world.

[Bobby Lewis]

Right, Right.

[BJ Foster]

It's every. It's every that actually happens. Yeah, T. You should have been afraid.

[Bobby Lewis]

Exactly.

[Ted Lowe]

But you're true, you're right. That's every Disney movie ever. Yeah, ever. That's the storyline.

[Bobby Lewis]

So I kind of thought I'm going to turn out like, I'm going to turn out like Annie.

[Ted Lowe]

Even Bambi, like kill everybody pretty much,

[BJ Foster]

you know, and then like Frozen, don't they. The parents go off on a ship in a ship and the whole thing revolves. What is that?

[Ted Lowe]

Yeah, Disney.

[Bobby Lewis]

I thought I was going to turn out like Annie, like singing some songs, some terrible orphanage with some, you know, Ms. Hannigan. That hated me and was mean to me and, you know, and so like every. All the movies kind of geared to it. So I was very afraid of my parents dying.

[BJ Foster]

Legitimate.

[Ted Lowe]

Yeah, I wasn't afraid of that, but I was afraid of the dark kind of. I wasn't afraid of the dark like at home, like being in the dark in my room or something, but I was afraid of being in the dark outside. Because my friend at the end of the street, we'd go play basketball all day long. And so the sun would go down and then all of a sudden we'd be having so much fun. I realized, oh, no, I'm in the dark and I gotta walk all the way home. And my house was probably 200 yards away. Like, it wasn't that, but it might as well have been 200 miles to an 8 year old in the dark. And so I just had to fix my eyes on that little lamppost and like, just run because I thought bears were going to come out of the tree or something, like, eat me when I was a kid. And it was the longest 200 yards of my life. Every night running home to safety.

[BJ Foster]

Isn't it funny with the kids? Imagination can do. I mean, I've always had a big imagination. So nighttime was very colorful for me. And not in a good way, but. And my bedroom there had these pool, pool shades. And they're like these two lights that I could see across the way. And my brain goes, that's kiss. Those are the eyes of one of the members of Kiss. And when you pull that window shade, I promise you they're looking in. I hate them. So it's.

[Bobby Lewis]

You're afraid of kiss?

[BJ Foster]

Oh, terrified. It's like my version of They're Kind of Clowns on Acid. So today, for your enjoyment, when I told my son, I guess you guys can guess which one about this story, he buys me this, which is a T shirt used. I'm certain of kiss. Just like, let me just rub it in, dad. So, yeah, we will.

[Bobby Lewis]

Who are you afraid? Most of the cat?

[BJ Foster]

No, the cat. I kind of wanted to come over Starchild.

[Ted Lowe]

One of them. Gene Simmons.

[Bobby Lewis]

The name is the Demon.

[BJ Foster]

The Demon, thank you very much. So, yeah, nighttime was crazy for me.

[Bobby Lewis]

The funny thing is I was afraid of stuffed animal clowns. But I thought KISS was like, the coolest when I was a kid. Like, I was not afraid of them from age 4 on. I was like, oh, they're cool.

[Ted Lowe]

I got to know whose idea was it to take you to Poltergeist. And you were eight because that's not really a kid movie.

[Bobby Lewis]

Here's. It's pg.

[Ted Lowe]

What?

[Bobby Lewis]

It's pg. Poltergeist is pg. And my parents had no idea what ratings were, what the ratings were. But back then, you had P, you had G, PG and R. PG used

[BJ Foster]

to be way worse than it is.

[Bobby Lewis]

Oh, completely. You. There were no pre. There was no PG13.

[Ted Lowe]

It sounds like you didn't have much parental guidance with that particular.

[Bobby Lewis]

Well, like, my sisters would be like, we're gonna go see this movie. And, you know, they're like, all right, we'll take your brother. Oh, gosh. And so I saw. I saw a host of movies I should have never seen, but that one in particular, you know, there's like a tree that, like, breaks through that and, you know, starts eating a kid, like, sit. During a thunderstorm. But it was the. It was the clowns that he hated.

[BJ Foster]

So that's terrifying. So what are your kids afraid of?

[Bobby Lewis]

So my kids, oddly enough, I asked them like, hey, what are you afraid? I asked my daughter what. What I was. What she was afraid of when she was little, and she said ceiling fans.

[BJ Foster]

She was.

[Bobby Lewis]

She was always afraid that, like, a ceiling fan would, like, come crashing in on her. But I'd say, bu. For sure. Like. Like, my son in particular is so freaked out by bugs. In fact, when we lived in Florida, Florida has these. They're like flying roaches.

[Ted Lowe]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Lewis]

And they're just disgusting looking. They're evil looking, but they don't bite. So, like, there's really. I'm just sort of like. There's nothing afraid of. They're just ugly. And I know my son's like, super freaked out by bugs.

[BJ Foster]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lewis]

And so he's like 10 or something, and he's sitting on our couch, and one of those roaches, one of those flying roaches crawls out from the couch. And I watch it crawl into his hand.

[BJ Foster]

Oh.

[Bobby Lewis]

And his hand is closed. And he. And I realize. I realize what's happened, but. But he hasn't. And he. He takes his hand and he goes and he opens it and he sees

[Ted Lowe]

it and he's like, ah.

[Bobby Lewis]

I mean, it's like the guy and the Godfather disc. The horse head in his bed. Like, that's like, that's how freaked out he got.

[BJ Foster]

And he.

[Ted Lowe]

He's. Hey.

[Bobby Lewis]

And just starts running around the room, freaked out. And I couldn't hold it in. I was laughing so hard. I was laughing so hard.

[Ted Lowe]

That didn't help.

[Bobby Lewis]

No. So that's.

[Ted Lowe]

So.

[Bobby Lewis]

That's kind of. Those are Two kind of like, sort of funny, silly things. But I think, like, kind of on a serious level now that my kids are particularly teens, like, change is like a big fear of theirs. Change sometimes fear of trying new things. Anything that's, like, unpredictable is kind of difficult. It can be hard.

[Ted Lowe]

You know, my. My kids are 6, 10, and 14, and they all have different fears. But, you know, the little ones are afraid of the dark. It's pretty universal. And then being alone is kind of a scary thing for some of them. And then my youngest is very afraid of, like, big places and strangers. Like, we went roller skating a month ago or so, and there's Sunday afternoon. There's a bunch of families there, probably 200 people at the roller skating rink. And she's a proficient skater. It's not like she was afraid of falling down, but she didn't like the fact that we were even in the same room, but far enough away that she thought there were people in between us and she wasn't safe.

[BJ Foster]

I'm thinking, you know, like girls are. It's caterpillars and frogs. They both are very passionate about those things. But our second son hated and still does being in front of people. But he's got the funniest reaction. I went to this choir thing that he did, and they had to walk in from the hall and the little stands, you know, and all the parents and the grandparents are sitting there. My parents have driven two hours to see him do this. He walks out on stage and he just looks angry, like it was the best response ever. Like, what are you idiots doing here? We've been practicing this thing, and there's been no people. Why are the people there? He sang not a note up there, but just this. Fears that are there with our kids. Like, what do we do?

[Ted Lowe]

Yeah, I mean, we've laughed a lot the first couple of minutes of this recording, because some of these things are funny, but I hate this topic. I just hate it because I don't want my kids to be afraid. I don't want them to be fearful over things. And I know that's a natural part of growing up, but I hate that I don't want them to be afraid because, you know, it just. It invites all these emotions into their little lives that are really hard. So I want them to be brave, but I'm trying to work through how to introduce bravery faster than maybe is naturally happening, you know?

[Bobby Lewis]

Well, I say. I mean, I think it's important to kind of realize that fear is not the absence of bravery, you know? Or, you know, it's. It. The. The two of them can coexist together.

[BJ Foster]

And so it's important for us to think about yet, because we are laughing about this. But when you do think back to those times when you're afraid of the darker kiss looking, it truly was very terrifying. Like, we laugh at it now. It was not funny then. But today we're talking about fears. But we want to make the distinct between fear and worry. We've got episodes on worry and anxiety. We'll put those in the show notes. But here's the way we're distinguishing it. Fear is something that's happening in the present. For them, worries are a future problem. So today we're not talking about worries, we're talking about fears.

[Ted Lowe]

And I think the distinction is very important. In fact, we were talking to one of our coworkers about this and just kind of farming out some answers, asking people what they were afraid of. And here's one of the things that our colleagues said when he talks about fear with his sons. He said, I really do appreciate the distinction between fear and worry. I think it helps me to distinguish as a dad what is needed from me in this moment to effectively help my kid and to help me decipher if it's a fear or if it's a worry. Even though they might use the word afraid for both. That's a big thing, because if you don't have the right language, just I'm afraid, we gotta know, what's the difference. So a fear, according to our coworker, might require immediate physical response to help settle and protect my kid. Whereas a worry might require immediate emotional response to assess and reassure and help them kind of ground themselves in the truth and kind of settle those worries about the future. So both are immediate responses. But knowing which response is the thing we need to focus on today. That's good. Yeah. And it's also important to know that fears shift by age. So you're talking about being eight, going to the movies. I don't. How old were you with the kiss thing?

[Bobby Lewis]

Five or six.

[Ted Lowe]

Five or six. Okay. Like young kids, you know, 20, 20. Still afraid of six.

[Bobby Lewis]

I was at their concert. I was terrified last Thursday.

[Ted Lowe]

Well, like, usually. And it's different for every family, I'm sure, but usually kids under. Afraid of things that are, like, in their imagination, monsters in the dark, or, you know, what, you know, might be under their bed or things like that, being separated from parents, that's the situation with the roller skating rink with my kids. But when they get older, Than that all their fears kind of turn to, like, social things. They're driven by relationships and they're driven by school and friendships and all that sort of stuff. But what I found interesting when we were researching for this is that Pew research found that the biggest fear amongst all kids going from 2020 until present was bullying. And I found that to be pretty interesting.

[Bobby Lewis]

Yeah. I mean, so I wrote an article about this, which we'll put in the show notes and in my research, like, so overall, like, it's bullying, but I think one of the biggest fears, particularly for older kids, is failure, you know, and that can. That can really easily. Okay, so it starts with fear. I could fail here. And then it could be, if I fail here, then I won't get into a good college, and I don't get into a good college, then I'm not going to have good job prospects when I get out of college. You know, when I get out of college or don't get into college or don't get in the right college. And it. And it snowballs. It starts with fear, and then it snowballs into worry.

[BJ Foster]

Oh, that's important.

[Bobby Lewis]

And so.

[BJ Foster]

So that's why it's so important. We're talking about this, right?

[Bobby Lewis]

Yeah.

[BJ Foster]

To say, okay, how do we help it before it snowballs.

[Bobby Lewis]

Right. Particularly with older kids.

[Ted Lowe]

And it's tricky in your home, too, because you may two or three kids in your home, four kids in your home, and the exact same thing is terrifying to one kid and not terrifying to another one. So this, this is tough for dads.

[BJ Foster]

That's why our big question of the week is, what do you do when your kids are afraid? This is so important. And just these episodes, every time we do one, I'm like, this is. I'm so glad dads are listening to this. I'm glad we're listening to this. Right.

[Ted Lowe]

I think then the first thing we need to do is just acknowledge the fear and not dismiss it, which I'm bad at. You know, they are feeling it right now. They are feel scared. Whether you think it's rational or not, they are feeling this thing. And so dismissing it because you know that there's no monster under the bed doesn't make the fear go away. So we have to acknowledge what they're feeling and not just fluff it off. Because we're older and we're not feeling the same thing.

[Bobby Lewis]

Well, yeah, we're bigger, we're more experienced. You know, all those things. I think we kind of sometimes forget that it's taken a number of years to get to where we are, A number of experiences to kind of overcome.

[BJ Foster]

Well, and I just think with our kids, with fear, I think one of the main things that we want them to feel safe and protected and not talked out of emotions. I was, you know, I'm seeing kiss. I'm afraid of bigfoot. I mean, I got a lot of things going on. Oh, I was totally normal kid until I saw bigfoot look in a window on a movie. And I was like, okay, everybody's behind the window. But I look back as we're preparing for this, and I wanted my dad to leave the bathroom light on. And, Bobby, you and I were talking about this before they started recording. I wanted that light on. And my dad would try to convince me. I have no idea what his justifications were. All I knew is that he was. Everything he was saying was leading to him turning out the light. And so I just escalated, and I won. He's like, I just leave on the light. But it was so real to me, and I. So that was the thing that made me feel safe. You're talking about your eyes, too?

[Ted Lowe]

Yeah. I stopped fighting the bathroom light thing. I was like, you know what? Whatever. It makes you feel more calm and you fall asleep faster. Then. This is for your good. But I didn't think it was necessary. We've TR the night lights. They didn't care about that. They wanted the bathroom light on at the end of the hall. I'm like, whatever, fine. We. We'll leave it on. You know, stop fighting about it. I know.

[Bobby Lewis]

Thank you, Bobby.

[Ted Lowe]

I know it was hard. It was hard.

[Bobby Lewis]

I think, you know, we just. A lot of times we want to squash it out. Even. Even the bathroom light, it's just like, let me just turn this light on. So you just stop. And we just wanted to end. But this is a great opportunity for a conversation. This is a great opportunity. Hey, what's making you scared? What's. What's the problem? What are you thinking of?

[Ted Lowe]

Sk.

[Bobby Lewis]

An opportunity to open up. Maybe you dig a little bit and you find out there are some of, you know, behind. You know, behind what's really scaring them that you. And. And a lot of times, you can use that as an opportunity to relate. You know, when I was your age, like, you know, when I. I was scared of this, too, and this really helped me. Or this is something I learned along the way. And, you know, do you want to try that? Do you want to try doing this? And a lot of times they're like, yeah, and they'll kind of, you know, they'll kind of jump into it with you. And maybe sometimes that gives them some reassurance. Not all the time, but, you know, and then you can try some things. You know, this helped, it helped me for my dad to lay down with me at night for a little bit. Can do you want to do that? They feel cared for. They feel it makes them maybe feel a little bit more secure. It might not satisfy it completely, but gives you an opportunity to kind of know them a little more. And next thing is like very much consider your words because there are a lot of parents that I just kind of see. Like they have their own fears and their own neuroses and their own thing. Don't do that, you know, this might happen or this might happen and that, you know, that. And then we're putting or planting all of these possibilities into their heads and that we, we make it seem like the world is this big horrible place that's out to get them. I mean, I, I, I'll never get like being younger, like I, I grew up, up in the, in the heart of the satanic panic. And so I always kind of thought there are adults out there that want to steal children and kill them. Like that's, and there are some like this. There is plenty of the world that's unsafe. But like that was in my head everywhere because it was, it was on like talk shows and you know, people were saying, you know, adults were talking about it all the time and, and so be careful with the things that you say and how you lay out what the world looks like.

[BJ Foster]

And they're listening. Like they hear us have conversation. They're in the back of the minivan and we think they don't care. And they are listening in an amazing way. Your kids will go, well, you said so choosing your words, that's important.

[Ted Lowe]

Well, there's some discussion now about whether or not stranger danger was a net positive or net negative. You know, that, that phrase that came up years and years and years ago, like it actually was probably born out of a good idea. Like, just be careful where you're going and pay attention to your surroundings. But I think it planted a seed in the back of a lot of kids heads that every stranger is bad. And that's just not true, you know, but it leads to fear.

[Bobby Lewis]

I grew up with this. Oh my gosh, you leave a kid for a second in a department store, I'll never forget that. And so that gets implanted in my head. And then I have kids of my own. And all of a sudden I'm like, well, I can't leave them alone. I can't let them go into a store. I can't let, you know, like, I can't. Don't let them do anything. I can't let them. Here's the thing that I find interesting. Like, whenever I drive by a school and I'm not talking like, elementary school, fine, whatever. But I'll drive by a middle school or a high school. And the car line is like, we never had a car line at my high school and middle school. Everyone, and not even my elementary school, everyone rode the bus. You either rode the bus or you walked home. And no one, like, even riding the bus these days. I think parents are like, nah.

[Ted Lowe]

Yeah, well, I do think there's something to this. And you mentioned parents. Like, are the parents the reason the kids aren't riding to school because the parents are afraid. What's absolutely true about the world is you have a very real impact on how your kids view the world, right? So if you are projecting fear, the kid's natural response is, well, I guess I should be afraid too. Like, dad's afraid. Dad's afraid that fill in the blank is going to happen. I guess it's likely to happen. So our words do matter. And what we say about the world and what we say to our kids, if it has a fearful slant to it, don't be surprised when your kids are afraid. It's just the natural reaction. They follow your lead. So we do have to be very careful with the things that we say about fearful topics.

[Bobby Lewis]

So I think one of the things I think we need to do is just kind of allow our kids to do some of these things and to, you know, prepare them for, like, I think our parents, I don't know if they prepared us. They were like, just go. Just get out of the house. And, you know, then we would go to parks and stuff like that. But if your kid, you know, is a little bit, you know, a little bit, you know, may. Maybe not. You're not sending them when you're four. When they're four. Although I remember walking down the street to a friend's house at age 4. Like, that was up and around the corner. And. And so I think that's. I think that's too young. But, you know, your kids are maybe 8 or 9. 7. 8 or 9. Like in the park is down the street. I. I think let them, let them do that. Let them, you know, they're seven years old. Let them go into a store. Bobby You've told a story before about a mom who let her son go into Chick Fil A and buy something and then come right back out. You know, you're. Yeah, test these things out. Like, let them, you know, walk, watch from a distance just to see how they go. And.

[BJ Foster]

And they're so proud of themselves.

[Bobby Lewis]

Yeah, they're super proud. And they feel like they can do it. They, you know, like, let them ride the bike around the block and tell them, you know, just tell them specifically, hey, make sure you stay, look out for this and this. But go ahead and just watch them and then gradually let them get out and go into the world a little bit more.

[Ted Lowe]

Having lunch the other day and a buddy asked me, like, like, at what age did you start letting your kids stay home alone? I said about 10, you know, and it depends on the maturity of your kid. You know, if you think your kid can handle it. You know, you pick and choose. But I found something so interesting that in Illinois, it's illegal to leave your child under 14 years old at home for what they deem a unreasonable amount of time. That's scare quotes. So that's kind of subjective. Like, what does unreasonable amount of time mean? Is it 10 minutes? Is it 10 hours? Like, we don't really know. And it's interesting that it's. If in Illinois you do this, it could result in a class a misdemeanor or $2,500 fine for leaving your kid under 14 at home. Do you think that makes kids think they're safe, or do you think that is going to make kids think that they should be afraid to be at home? Because if it's a fine, like, oh, mom and dad left you at home, something bad's probably going to happen if you get left at home. That's why we're punishing them with a fine. That's the way I view it. I. I don't think that helps kids be less fearful, you know?

[Bobby Lewis]

Yeah, I mean, I remember being 12 and 13 and coming home from middle school and we were just alone. I mean, well, 14 is a freshman in high school. Yeah, we was. It was the latchkey. There were the latchkey generation.

[BJ Foster]

Yeah. You know, where some kid, you know, go on in, there's lots of foods with preservatives. Just, good, go eat the Twinkies, hang out. We'll see you at nine. So do you guys do this? Do you let your kids explore and do different things?

[Bobby Lewis]

No, of course not. They might get hurt.

[BJ Foster]

I remember whether my dad lives on a farm and So I wanted my kids to have so much freedom, and I thought that's a good place for them to explore. And I remember my oldest one, he's a toddler, and I thought, I'm just gonna let him walk. I mean, this is huge farm. I thought, I'm just gonna let him walk as far as he wants to walk. And he doesn't get far in front of me, and he glances over his shoulder like, you know, about the 10th time. You are a horrible parent right now. You need to stop me. But my mom was overprotective, and so I wanted to give my kids that. So I feel like we've really tried to do that with.

[Bobby Lewis]

With.

[BJ Foster]

With the bikes and letting. Letting them go and letting them try things and letting them explore. But I had this huge fear, and it's justified, and I should have had it is of cars with my kids. That was just. That was my fear. I would ask them, you know, why can't you walk behind cars? Because I so show it. Yeah. That was a struggle for me in these certain areas that I think I made them maybe over the top stop.

[Bobby Lewis]

I think that's the big one for me too, is cars. Like, that's. I mean, telling my kid they could take the bike around the neighborhood was not an easy thing. Yeah. And it was a simple loop. Like, it wasn't that huge. It wasn't like they're going out on a main road. It was like a little loop around. And I think my kids were maybe about. Maybe about six, maybe five or six. And I'm like, okay, just, you know, do. Do it and, like, stay over here. But I, like, yeah, it freaked me out in terms of cars. And they went up and turned the corner, and I ran down to the other side just to see them coming back and. But, yeah, it takes. It takes a little bit to step out there. I mean, maybe that's it.

[BJ Foster]

Like, sometimes I think there's times where, like, we can keep an eye on them when they don't know we're keeping an eye on them. Right, right. Like those kind of times, like, I'm gonna kind of watch what goes on, but they don't need to know that.

[Ted Lowe]

I did that recently at the beach. We live in Florida, and So we're like 10 minutes away. We go all the time. And I've tried my best recently to not introduce fear by getting out of the. So my son, he and a buddy go out in the water the other day, and the current just kind of helps them drift as they play, and they're not deep in the water in any way, but they look up, and all of a sudden they're like 300 yards, 200, 300 yards down from where our chairs are. And so they exit the water and they're on the beach. And I watched. I could see him. And he's looking left, he's looking right. He goes, where am. Where am I? Right. And so I could have gotten up out of the chair and run down and kind of relieved that fearful moment where he didn't realize where he was, but I didn't. I stopped. I let him scan and look for us. And eventually he realized, oh, there's the umbrella. It's way down there. And he just made his way back. I think that was good for him because he probably did have a little bit of a panicked moment. Oh, I'm lost. But he surveyed, figured it out, and he made his way back. And I think that was a growth moment.

[Bobby Lewis]

You're like the turtle and Finding Nemo, you know, and it's just kind of like when the little turtle gets sucked out of the thing. And the, you know, the, The. The clownfish guy is going crazy, and he's like, no, let's see what little dude does. You know, let's see what he does in this situation.

[BJ Foster]

Yeah, so let's see what little dude does. Does moments like to have those with our kids. Let's. Let's let it stretch when they.

[Bobby Lewis]

They have to have them.

[BJ Foster]

They have to have.

[Bobby Lewis]

They've got to have.

[BJ Foster]

Because I will tell you, they leave, you can't send them out afraid. We can't send them out without experiences. Right. Like, we. We've got it. We got to prepare them.

[Bobby Lewis]

Fear gives an opportunity to build bravery. Bravery is something that's built like a muscle that needs to be exercised. And when it not exercised, then. Then its strength is a little bit less. There can be some atrophy. So that's kind of feared. The things that scare us, the things that bring fear, give us the opportunity to build that muscle.

[BJ Foster]

Yep. And I would try to do that with our kids is we go to the lake a lot. And so there would be different, like, rites of passage, you know, when you could jump off the pier at this, you know, off the second level. And, you know, and my second one, he was, like, more tentative. And so I would have to.

[Ted Lowe]

To.

[BJ Foster]

I would. I'm going to jump off with you. I'm going to hold you. But I would push especially my second one out of his comfort zone with it. And we've got this great photos of. I'm trying to help him, like in an inner tube on the back. And he is screaming, crying, but I'm like, I'm going to get him on there. And then I'm letting go. And you see him screaming, crying. It's like frame after frame. And then you'd see him with the biggest smile on his face ever. But we. It builds bravery. And then they're just so excited and they're so proud of themselves. But this is not. This is not easy. And so there's a stat that we ran across the other day. I thought, this, this is speaking to what we struggle with. Only half the parents of kids age 9 through 11 were willing to let their children find an item at the store while they shopped in another aisle. The majority were unwilling to let them walk to a friend's home or play in the park. Just 15% said that they would let their kids trick or treat without adult supervision.

[Bobby Lewis]

It's our fear, right? Right. But we're sheltering them from kind of dealing with fears himself. We're projecting these things, but we're. We're keeping them from experiencing situations where they're going to have fear. And fear is. It's a good teacher of things.

[BJ Foster]

It's.

[Bobby Lewis]

I mean, it's. It kind of helps us grow. So there's certain. There are certain fears that I think we. That our kids are going to have to face. They're going to have to face a fear of suffering, a fear of that things are going to be difficult, that there's going to be pain, that there's going to be difficulty, fear of failure. They've got to confront that. And a lot of times we could just kind of get in front of them and try to remove all these failure potentials of failures because we're afraid their little fragile hearts are going to be broken and this kind of fear of, of missing out, that they can't. They've got to be a part of everything, all these fears. If they don't face them, they're going to end up in a pretty tough spot and they're not going to be able to build and grow and overcome.

[BJ Foster]

Sometimes we're in those kind of moments and we're. We're just stumped. Here's a couple of questions that we can ask ourselves the next time our kids are afraid. Is, number one, is this immediate? Is this happening right now? Are they really in danger? Because maybe they are. Why might they be feeling this way? Like, what's going on underneath it? Like you said get curious. Have I dismissed their feelings? Which, yeah, that one's convicting. Like what? You don't need the light on. You know, you can't be afraid. That silly. And the other one is, what do I need to say in this moment? Like, what's the best thing? And again, it's, it's choosing the right response. And here's a. Here's a couple of options. Number one is, I hear you. You know, I get it. Scared kids want you to know that you care about what's bothering them instead of being frustrated, instead of trying to talk them out of it. You know, I could tell you're really afraid. I can tell you're really frustrated, those types of things. The other one is you can do this. You know, one of the things we were talking about earlier, you know, is we say, hey, you should know, fear is not. Fear's not a big deal. But fear and bravery go hand in hand, right? You can be excited and fearful. Just let them know that happened. But just encourage them, say, you can do this. And the other one is, I'm with you. And I even think about being afraid at night going, hey, Dad's got you. You know, we'll leave the light on, but I want you to know I got you safe. And all of this, the thing that's been hitting me right in the stomach as we're talking about this is as a dad, we want to be seen as strong and safe. And they need that characteristic more than ever when they're afraid. Who would you want your dad to be if you were this age, in this moment?

[Ted Lowe]

What your kids need more than anything is not to just you to sweep in and be the hero and just wipe all fear away. They need you to stand there and hold their hand when they feel it and eventually they'll get through it. But what they really need is you to hold their hand, not just come in and just wish it doesn't exist, you know?

[BJ Foster]

That's good. That's a perfect transition into our pro move of the week. Is this the next time your kids say they're afraid? Tell them about a time that you were afraid. Tell them how you figured it out, how you were brave in that moment. Encourage them. You can do this, right? You guys, thanks for hanging out with me today. For sure. It's always good. Always learn a lot from both of you. So thank you. Hey, if you would like to get our daily emails, you can do that. We'll put a link in the show notes. It's called play of the day. Day It'll come to your email every day. Take you about four minutes to read. It's so good. BJ oversees all this great content. It's great stuff. But most of all, we want to say thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.

[Podcast Host/Announcer]

Thanks again for listening to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer Haley Moat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Watts. Olive All Pro dad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit Family first, along with our motherhood program imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.