Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens

Episode 252 ENCORE: Should I Talk with My Teens About My Own Mental Health Challenges?
Hosts: Dr. Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan
Date: December 30, 2025

Episode Overview

This encore episode revisits the crucial and often unspoken topic of how—and whether—parents should discuss their own mental health challenges with their tweens and teens. Dr. Lisa Damour and journalist Reena Ninan delve into the intricacies, benefits, and difficulties of opening up about family mental health histories, sharing practical advice and science-backed strategies for navigating these sensitive conversations. The episode responds to a heartfelt listener letter from a mother of three teens wondering how to broach her own past struggles with anorexia and broader family mental health issues.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Commonality and Complexity of Family Mental Health Histories

• Dr. Lisa normalizes the situation: “I think more families are dealing with this than not... It's probably the rule, not the exception, that families have things... they are trying to figure out how and when to bring up with their kids.” (03:35)
• Families often grapple with sharing painful histories, like suicide or addiction, fearing the impact on their children.

2. When & How to Share: Timing, Readiness, and Framing

• Readiness: Parents should ideally share stories they have "metabolized"—meaning they’ve processed and have insight about them. (05:16)
• Openings: Rather than launching into a heavy topic out of the blue, Dr. Lisa suggests waiting for natural conversation starters: “Your chances of having a successful conversation go way up if you’re actually stepping into a conversational line the teenager has already started.” (07:37)
• Agency: Give teens some control over how much detail they get: “How much do you want to hear?” (08:32)
• Both hosts underscore the importance of considering the teen's emotional readiness and attention span.

3. Addressing the Fear of Upsetting or Overburdening Your Teen

• Parents may fear their children will think they’re destined for the same issues or be frightened by the information. Dr. Lisa notes, “You don’t want to do anything that's going to rock the boat... Is it going to have unintended consequences?” (04:38)
• Rena admits: “If I have mental health issues as a parent, I don’t feel comfortable discussing them. It makes me anxious.” (16:52)

4. The Genetics and Vulnerability Conversation

• Dr. Lisa explains, “There is a vulnerability... we do know that there’s a genetic component to eating disorders. This doesn’t mean your kid’s going to have an eating disorder, but... they may be more vulnerable.” (13:48)
• Similar genetic predispositions exist for alcoholism and substance use.

5. Coping Skills: Healthy vs. Unhealthy

• At its core, sharing is about promoting healthy coping: “Abusing substances is unhealthy coping. Eating disorders are unhealthy coping. You’re trying to get your hands around something and you’ve landed on an unproductive, self-destructive strategy.” (20:38)
• Praise healthy coping: “That is such beautiful coping. That is exactly how we handle hard things.” (21:49)
• Healthy coping for teens may look unconventional, e.g., playing video games, rereading favorite books, or mundane activities: “Healthy coping in teens can look so different from healthy coping in adults.” (22:55)

6. Handling Parental Anxiety and Shame

• Explore and verbalize ambivalence: “One of the beautiful things about teenagers is you can have meta conversations—conversations about the conversation you’re about to have.” (18:33)
• Address fears explicitly: “This is not me giving you permission to do it.” (19:27)
• Openness about shame and vulnerability can model emotional honesty: “I feel kind of ashamed... I want to play my cards face up.” (19:33)

7. Guidelines for Difficult Conversations

• Focus on the child’s needs, not the parent’s catharsis: “You’re sharing this information because of something that you really care about in your teenager... It has to be about the teenager.” (24:33)
• If the conversation is necessary and no “opening” arrives, be clear and set a conversation on the calendar. Avoid “sneak attacks.” (29:14)

8. What If a Parent Is Still Struggling?

• Honesty is best. Teens will notice ongoing parental struggles.
• Frame it as: “I am suffering from clinical depression. I am working with my doctors... I know this cannot be easy for you, and I want you to know that your needs matter tremendously to me.” (26:35)
• The parent’s job isn’t to have perfect mental health, but to prioritize their child’s needs and ensure support.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Busyness:
  “We have a study that shows... if you ask people about how busy they are now and how busy they'll be in the future, they reliably say, ‘Oh, I'm very, very busy now, but I won't be busy in six months...’”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (02:02)

• On Sharing Family History:
  "Having things that families are trying to figure out how and when to bring up with their teenager is more the rule than the exception."
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (03:35)

• On Waiting for Openings:
  “Your chances of having a successful conversation go way up if you’re actually stepping into a conversational line the teenager has already started.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (07:37)

• On “Meta Conversations” with Teens:
  “You can have conversations about the conversation you’re about to have.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (18:33)

• On Coping:
  “Abusing substances is unhealthy coping. Eating disorders are unhealthy coping... So when we need to talk with teenagers about past events, the all-time opening that’s gonna come is somehow around coping.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (20:38)

• On Healthy Coping in Teens:
  “Healthy coping in teens can look so different from healthy coping in adults. Honest to God, it can be your super hairy 17-year-old son rereading Captain Underpants.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (22:55)

• On Parenting with Ongoing Mental Health Challenges:
  “It is not by any means a basic expectation that we are somehow parenting in full mental health... Anything that a parent is suffering with, that stands to interfere with their ability to be the parent they want to be, should be addressed from a standpoint like that.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (26:35)

• On Avoiding “Sneak Attacks”:
  “Get on your kid’s calendar... Do not do a sneak attack. Sneak attacks don’t go well.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (29:14)

Important Timestamps

• 03:35: More families than not struggle with sharing mental health histories
• 05:16: On only sharing what’s been metabolized
• 07:37: Waiting for an opening with your teen
• 13:37–13:48: Genetic vulnerability to eating disorders and alcoholism
• 16:52: Parental discomfort and anxiety about sharing
• 18:33–19:33: Meta conversations and addressing shame
• 20:38: Unhealthy vs. healthy coping
• 22:55: What healthy coping looks like for teens
• 24:33: Centering the conversation on the teen’s needs
• 26:35: What to do if you’re actively struggling with mental health issues
• 29:14: Scheduling and planning difficult conversations

Closing Takeaways

• Be thoughtful and child-focused: Approach sharing as a way to help your teen, not just to unburden yourself.
• Wait for conversation “openings”; don't force the topic, but if needed, schedule time thoughtfully.
• Be honest about ongoing challenges, emphasize your commitment to your child’s well-being, and model seeking help.
• Praise healthy coping, even if it looks different from adult strategies, and discuss unhealthy coping openly.
• Meta-conversations can set the right frame: Address potential misinterpretations and feelings head-on.

By sharing honestly and thoughtfully, parents can promote resilience and emotional health—both for themselves and their children.