253: How to Future-Proof Your Kids in 2026

Summary

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Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens

Episode 253: How to Future-Proof Your Kids in 2026

Hosts: Dr. Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan
Date: January 6, 2026

Episode Overview

In this New Year's special, Dr. Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan tackle one of the most pressing concerns for today’s parents: "How do we future-proof our kids?" Against the backdrop of rising uncertainty—AI advances, climate change, economic volatility—Lisa introduces a framework for helping kids build the essential qualities they’ll need to thrive, not just survive, in an unpredictable world. The episode is chock full of actionable strategies, concrete language, memorable anecdotes, and a distinct focus on the importance of modeling and intentional parenting.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Does "Future-Proof" Mean for Our Kids? (01:15–02:20)

• Parenting today feels more fraught and fragile than ever.
• Lisa references the "future-proof" concept from a recent Atlantic article, noting parents’ anxieties about their children’s ability to navigate new, unknown challenges—technological, environmental, social, and personal.
• Main question: “What steps can we take right now to prepare our kids for a future we can’t fully predict?”

2. Introducing the "ACED" Acronym for Future-Proofing (02:26–02:49)

• Lisa revisits her tradition of helpful acronyms ("SUN" for summer—Sleep, Unplug, Nature).
• For 2026 and beyond, she introduces “ACED” (or “ACE”):
  • Adaptability
  • Conscientiousness
  • Emotional Durability

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Deep Dive: The ACED Qualities

A — Adaptability (02:49–06:35)

• Definition: The capacity to flex and thrive when plans change or routines are disrupted.
• How to Teach:
  • Model adaptability: Don’t over-rigidly cling to plans — demonstrate flexibility in your own life.
  • Narrate adaptability out loud: “Okay, the plan I had is not working. Time to get creative.”
  • Highlight creative solutions: Celebrate when kids come up with alternatives, even in small moments (e.g., substituting ingredients at dinner).
  • Exposure: Intentionally put kids in settings where adaptation is required (e.g., camp, family travel, dealing with new teachers).
• Notable Quote:

  “If we ourselves are very, very rigid, like 'It’s got to be this way and I can’t handle it,' then it’s not so great. We should also think about adaptability as creativity.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (02:55)

• Encourage problem-solving and empathy:

  “Start with empathy. After that, say, ‘Okay, you're a creative kid. What's the solution here?’”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (05:08)

• Parental praise: Recognize adaptations in real time:

  “I’m so impressed at how you have adapted to this teacher.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (06:11)

• Memorable Moment: The “packing” story—Lisa’s friend instructs kids to first “pack your adaptability” before a family trip (05:39).

C — Conscientiousness (09:21–14:59)

• Definition: Being honest, ethical, earnest, and responsible—even when no one’s watching.
• Why It Matters:
  • Predicts adult well-being more than academic or even financial achievement (above the poverty line).
  • Hallmarks of a fulfilled adult life: healthy relationships, meaningful work, and doing work well—all linked to conscientiousness.
• How to Teach:
  • React strongly to dishonesty or cheating—no room for “kids will be kids.”
  • Model and coach good work habits early (“doing 100% of the job,” not just getting by).
  • Assign kids regular responsibilities at home (housework, chores) and ensure quality.
  • Recognize and reinforce effort and follow-through.
• Notable Quote:

  “It is not necessarily academic achievement...Conscientiousness in kids is what predicts to well-being in adulthood.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (09:25)

• Family Anecdote: Lisa’s mother on instilling work ethic:

  “‘You have done 80% of what could be done here. When you do 100%, that's gonna be the kind of job I'm looking for and the job you'll feel good about.’”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (12:45)

• Perspective: Even though some “shady adults” appear successful, true measures of success are deeper and rooted in these values.
• Top Tip:

  “Focus on your kid being a good person.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (15:03)

E/D — Emotional Durability (15:34–21:43)

• Definition: The ability to handle emotional distress, bounce back from setbacks, and sustain effort under adversity (sometimes referred to as “emotional durability” or “emotional resilience”).
• How to Teach:
  • Withstand your child’s distress without being overwhelmed.
  • Model calm presence—don’t leap to fix everything immediately.
  • Validate feelings: “Oh, I am so sorry. That is so lousy.”
  • Reinforce coping and adaptive strategies: Help kids find their way back to feeling okay through productive actions.
• Notable Quotes:

  “Your kid has a terrible day…That is a moment where you either need to be a steady presence or fake being a steady presence.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (15:52) “You are doing two things: saying words that are attentive to what’s happening, and [using] a tone that makes it clear nobody gets knocked off their axis.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (16:43)

• Example: Lisa shares her older daughter’s experience with bad college housing:

  “The broken toilet can actually become our friend. Because then we’re like, I’m getting to watch you figure out how to deal with this…And then we just cheer for the coping.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (20:53)

• What to look for: Kids managing feelings in adaptive ways (“I hate this teacher, but I’ll deal with it and do good work anyway”), not demanding escape or avoidance.

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Parenting for the Long Haul: Big Picture Reflections

Why These Traits Matter (21:56–23:04)

• Parenting isn’t just about surviving today or checking short-term boxes; it’s about equipping children for unknown future challenges and instilling the tools to handle life’s unpredictability.
• These three qualities—Adaptability, Conscientiousness, Emotional Durability—are the traits real psychologists, not just parents, point to as predictive of healthy, happy adults.
• Quote:

  “As often as we can be like, ‘How do we treat this as an opportunity to check that you are adaptable, to make sure that you are upright and ethical, and see that you can just withstand it and find ways…so you can actually plow ahead and not be knocked off course.’”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (22:00)

The Crucial Role of Parental Modeling and Self-Care (23:10–24:16)

• Kids are always watching how adults resolve conflict and stress.
• Parents’ own well-being is foundational to modeling and coaching these skills. If you’re overwhelmed or depleted, you can’t foster adaptability, conscience, or resilience in your child.
• Quote:

  “All of this is hinging on our well-being. You cannot help a kid be adaptable if you’re at the end of your rope... Protect [your well-being], both because you as a parent need and deserve that. And also if you’re going to cultivate future-proofed kids, you’re going to need it too.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (23:18)

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Memorable Moments & Audience Engagement

• Verbalizing Adaptability:
  • Reena jokes about “Dr. Lisa-ing” (using Lisa’s strategies out loud) in her own house (04:44).
• "Packing Adaptability":
  • The family trip story as a reminder to set expectations with kids up front (05:39).
• Life Lessons from Chores:
  • “Cutting the carrots is also washing the cutting board and the knife…” (13:04)
• Coping with College Setbacks:
  • Lisa’s pride in her daughter’s persistence—not swooping in, but holding the line and empowering coping (20:53).
• Reena’s appreciation:
  • “Lisa, this is my favorite episode always of the year because you get us to rethink how we are looking at this.” (24:07)

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Key Segment Timestamps

• Intro & Episode Framing: 00:43–02:10
• Why "Future-Proofing" Matters: 01:15–02:20
• Introducing ACED Framework: 02:26–02:49
• Adaptability—What and How: 02:49–06:35
• Conscientiousness—Predictor of Well-Being: 09:21–14:59
• Emotional Durability—Resilience in Action: 15:34–21:43
• Parent Modeling & Well-being: 23:10–24:16
• Wrap-up and Looking Ahead: 24:16–24:40

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Actionable Takeaways

• Talk through your own flexible problem-solving (“Let’s get creative!”) in front of your kids.
• Praise and label conscientious behaviors—especially honesty and perseverance.
• When kids are distressed, stand steady. Respond with validation instead of instant fixes.
• Embrace opportunities for kids to face moderate inconvenience or setbacks as practice grounds for future challenges.
• Prioritize your own self-care and emotional stability—your kids’ growth depends on it.

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Signature Quotes by Dr. Lisa Damour

• “If we ourselves are very, very rigid…then it’s not so great. We should also think about adaptability as creativity.” (02:55)
• “Conscientiousness in kids is what predicts to well-being in adulthood.” (09:25)
• “Focus on your kid being a good person.” (15:03)
• “Your kid has a terrible day…That is a moment where you either need to be a steady presence or fake being a steady presence.” (15:52)
• “All of this is hinging on our well being. You cannot help a kid be adaptable if you are at the end of your rope.” (23:18)

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Closing Thoughts

This annual “big picture” episode provides parents with a road map for raising kids prepared for an unpredictable world. Forget about perfect plans or straight-A report cards: The real keys are adaptability, conscience, and emotional resilience—and those start at home, with conscious, steady, and self-caring parenting.

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Next week: How to help your kids build a healthy relationship with food.

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Transcript

[Host]

Tell me a parenting issue everyone struggles with with tweens and teens, but no one talks about Rena.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I think a lot of people feel like they just don't know how to connect to their kid anymore.

[Rena Neinen]

I'm Rena Neinen and welcome to Ask

[Host]

Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and teens.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

And I'm Dr. Lisa Damore. We bring you science backed strategies for managing anxiety, discipline, intense emotions, and more.

[Rena Neinen]

We decode tough parenting issues with tips

[Host]

you can use right now. So subscribe to Ask Lisa the Psychology of raising Tweens and Teens and join our YouTube community. Today, just Google Ask Lisa podcast.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

We're here to help you untangle family life.

[Host]

Episode 253 how to future proof your kids in 2026.

[Co-host/Guest]

Here we are, 2026.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yep. Happy new Year. Happy New Year to you too.

[Host]

I every.

[Co-host/Guest]

I love doing this in the New Year's episode with you because every year you kind of get us to open up our aperture and think a little widely. And so I'm curious what you have for us to think about in 2026.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Okay. So I have this idea of like, how do we future proof our kids? And the term future proof, actually, I

[Guest/Contributor]

didn't make it up, but I thought it was super cool. It was in an article that I

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

was interviewed for in the Atlantic, and I was like, that's a great term. And I think a lot of what families think, you know, are kind of wondering about these days is like, where is this all headed? Like, what does AI mean for my kid? What does, you know, economic change mean for my kid? What does climate change mean for my kid? Like, some scary stuff in here too. And so I've been thinking a lot about what we can do in the here and now to help our kids get ready for the future ahead. That does feel more uncertain and in some ways, stranger.

[Co-host/Guest]

That's it. I'm not like, happy New Year, everybody.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I feel like, don't say anything, don't break anything.

[Host]

Like, it just feels like everything's a little fragile.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

It does, right? It does. And like, no one wants to parent from that position. Like, that's not a place we want to be. Okay, so now I always like to come up with acronyms, and I've only ever come up with one good one. Do you remember when we did the summer one and it was sun? It was sleep unplug in nature. Okay. I will never do a better one than that. Like, that was the best one ever. Okay, but this one is ACE or east. You can decide. Ace or Aced. It's up to you. Okay, so the A in terms of what are we going to do to future proof our kids going to help them be adaptable? Adaptability is going to be a key thing that, like, obviously all of our kids are going to have.

[Co-host/Guest]

How do you teach adaptability?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Okay, so how do you teach adaptability? I think, number one, you model it. You model it and you also model it.

[Co-host/Guest]

Right.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Like, I think if we ourselves are very, very rigid, like, it's gotta be this way and I can't handle it, you know, then it's not so great. I think we should also think about adaptability as creativity. You know, we actually have this really

[Guest/Contributor]

cool research showing that kids who are

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

creative are actually better able at adapting

[Guest/Contributor]

to situations than kids who aren't. So, like, say, for example, they get to school and it's like a theme day, and they forgot they might be like, that's okay. I'll go get my gym uniform. I'll put that on. I'll get those clothes, and I'll sort of fall in with what's being, you know, scheduled for today, even though I wasn't really ready. They can come up with something new and different.

[Co-host/Guest]

Yeah.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So being adaptable oneself, celebrating creative solutions to things, not getting stuck in a rut.

[Co-host/Guest]

Give me an example, though. Like, I get what you're saying, but how do I show my kid that I'm adaptable or that talk through the moment.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Guest]

Of being adaptable.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Okay, so say that you don't have dinner. Exactly.

[Guest/Contributor]

You don't have dinner.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

And say that you had something you really wanted to make and you're frustrated. Or no, here's what I always find. Like, I have everything but the one thing. Right? Like, I need a can of tomatoes. And, like, I don't have the can of tomatoes. So I think actually, rather than just being grumpy or just, you know, getting takeout, you could be like, okay, this is so not the plan I had. The plan I had is not working. I gotta come up with a new plan.

[Guest/Contributor]

All right, open the pantry.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

What do we got? What can we make? How can we retool this? Right. It's what you would have done anyway. Right. But kind of, you know, like, I say, like, subtitling it, like, talking through, like, okay, the plan I had is not the one we're gonna do. I'm frustrated. And also, time to get creative. Right? And I think using that language, like, let's get creative. Let's try to figure out a solution.

[Co-host/Guest]

I love when you give us Language too, because I implement it, I use it. And you're, you're verbed in my house. Are you, are you Dr. Lisa? That's adverb, I guess is right. When you add ing. Yeah.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I don't know.

[Co-host/Guest]

Lys.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

No. If you're in your. I think it's a verb. Yes. Yeah. So like, let's get creative. So if a kid's like, oh man, I was going to do this thing

[Guest/Contributor]

and then it fell through first. Okay, you know what I'm going to say?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Start with empathy. After that, then say, okay, you're a creative kid. What's the solution here? What can you make happen? I also think we have to put kids in situations where they have to adapt. Right. I mean, if you're able to send your kid to camp, those are incredible

[Guest/Contributor]

conditions because there's a lot of adaptation at camp, you know, And I'm also thinking, I've got this friend, she's so smart about this. She and her family take like, they take family trips and when her kids were little, she would always say to them, okay, get out your suitcase and the first thing you're going to pack,

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

you're going to pack your adaptability and what sort of forecast, like, we're going on a trip. Like, it's not going to be the comforts that you're used to. I am expecting you all to be adaptable. Right. So like really putting that forward. Okay. The other way we cultivate adaptability and this is going to be the like, low hanging fruit of this. Kids are going to have teachers they don't like, classes they don't like, classmates they don't like. Like, there's no version of going to school where it goes the way you want it to go all the time.

[Co-host/Guest]

Yeah.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So I think most kids will be adapting to their peers or to their teachers or to the work in front of them. I think when we underscore it, when we underline it, it's really helpful. I think when we say you are really good at adapting, I, I know this teacher is not your cup of tea and yet you're doing good work for this person. I'm so impressed at how you have adapted to this teacher.

[Rena Neinen]

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[Host]

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[Dr. Lisa Damore]

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[Co-host/Guest]

So praising them when they get it right and they are adapting so they

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

realize they're adapting, that they're adaptable kids and they can do it. And I think especially, you know, none of us wants our kid to have a teacher. That's not a great fit. I also think that's a moment to say, look, it's super easy to do good work for teachers you love. For you to do good work for an adult who rubs you the wrong way like that is a very high level of adaptation that is going to serve you very well over time.

[Co-host/Guest]

That's awesome.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So yeah, they're doing it. Yeah.

[Co-host/Guest]

And they're working through it. So what's the c?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

This is an interesting one, Conscientiousness.

[Co-host/Guest]

Oh, that's a big one.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

It is a big one. When we look at what predicts to future well being, it is not necessarily academic achievement though, you know, there are benefits certainly to, you know, staying in school. It is not necessarily financial achievement. We know for sure if you get, you know, comfortable margin above the poverty level, finances do for sure improve your well being. But once you get above that level, actually making more money does not make your life, doesn't make you happier. We know that. Hmm. Conscientiousness in kids is what predicts to wellbeing in adulthood.

[Co-host/Guest]

What do you mean by conscientiousness?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Being honest, earnest, ethical, upright, doing the right thing, even though one, nobody's looking. And what we know it connects to is the things that really matter in midlife. So the first is having good relationships. You only have good relationships if you're an honest person. If you're dishonest, if you're shady, you cycle through people, people get mad at you. Conscientiousness predicts to actually doing work you find meaningful. That's also connected to happiness in midlife is like, I care about what I do. I think that it matters. And the third thing it connects to is doing your job well. So you need those three things together for adult well being. So good relationships, doing something you find meaningful and feeling that you're good at it.

[Co-host/Guest]

How do I teach this in a kid?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Well, you watch for conscientiousness. So I think, right. I have a lot of patience for stuff like beds not getting made. I don't make the bed, my husband makes her bed, which I appreciate. But like, I just don't do it. I think lying is a big deal.

[Co-host/Guest]

That really bothers me too. And I, and if I see that, I always call it out.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Guest]

In front of the kid, in front of the family to subtly be like,

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

this is not, this is over the line. Right. Like have zero margin for stuff like that. And I think, you know, being dishonest in any way, you know, kids cheating, like, I mean kids will sometimes engage in unconscientious behavior. And I don't think that's a great place to be. Like, well, kids will be kids. And, and I can say as a parent, for me, I'm like, I don't like it now. I also do not like what I know about where this points you as an adult in terms of your future. Well, being I. Conscientiousness can also just be like, you know, taking one's work seriously and doing a good job. So I think there's a place, especially probably early middle school, where kids can be kind of sloppy in their work or, you know, don't care that much or kind of dash through it. And I think early, like, late elementary, early middle school, you want kids to know what a good job looks like, right? To know how to, like, do their work really well. I think once that's established, then you can talk about when they need to bring their A game and when they don't have to work quite so hard because they have a lot of work and it's not necessary to do everything to the nth degree. But I think that, you know, when I think back, I'll be interested in your thoughts on this. Like, you know, I was very fortunate. I have a nice family. The gift I was given is my family taught me how to work. Like, I'm a work ethic.

[Co-host/Guest]

Yeah.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Real work ethic. And, like, a good job. I do it all the way job. And, like, how do they teach that to you? My mom was on me. Like, I remember my mom saying, like, she was like, you have done 80% of what could be done here. When you do 100%, that's gonna be the kind of job I'm looking for and the job you'll feel good about.

[Co-host/Guest]

So she would push back when you,

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

like, okay, I'm done. Did it. Yeah. No, she's like, actually, I asked you to do, you know, carrots in this way or. Yeah, you cut the carrots and then you just walked away and left the, you know, cutting board and the knife and the. She was like. And she was great about it. She was like, you need to do 100% job. And it was like. And family life has a lot of jobs for kids to do. And, I mean, don't you feel like it's so easy to be, like, cutting the carrots and doing that job is also watching the cutting board and also doing the knives and also getting into

[Co-host/Guest]

the giant of getting stuck with. Now I'm realizing, oh, my gosh, I need to channel your.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Your inner mom or, like, conscientiousness workshop. Right. I mean, that. That's really what that is. Is like, that's a wonderful. And we get a billion of those, right? We get a billion of those. Or like, you walked the dog, and then the dog came in covered in mud. The walking the dog job also includes making sure that's not what's Going on. So, you know, both ethics and honesty and also doing jobs well, like, and. And, you know, we don't know what's down the road. But I do know, Rena, I just have every confidence, like, your kids are adaptable and conscientious. They're going to be well set up.

[Co-host/Guest]

What happens to the people, the adults, you know, that are not conscientious, that don't have a moral spine, like what happened in their childhood?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Lisa, it's a good question, right? I mean, what you figure actually comes back to adaptation, like, they were doing something that worked. And here's the problem, and I wish this weren't true. There are plenty of, like, really shady adults who do just fine.

[Guest/Contributor]

Right? Like, I wish that there are a

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

way to be like, see, everybody gets

[Guest/Contributor]

it in the end.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Well, no, not always. Right. But. But first of all, that's not the outcomes we want for our kids anyway. And second of all, like, we do have data showing the things that matter in midlife, good relationships, doing work that's meaningful, doing it. Well, if you backward engineer those, what you're seeing in kids is that these are conscientious kids.

[Co-host/Guest]

That is interesting. That is a parenting tip never thought of.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Well, good. I mean, like, it's good that we're talking about it because the other thing is like, I think sometimes we worry so much about our kids futures and we're thinking about their colleges or whatever. And what I will tell you is like, number one, is, is your kid a good person? Right. Like, if you're worried about their future, focus on this question. And like, I think a lot of us can be like, yeah, they're good people. Okay, well actually, then you're in great shape and your kid's in great shape. Like, the college thing's going to be whatever the college thing is going to be, but focus on your kid being a good person.

[Co-host/Guest]

So, A.C. what's the E?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Okay, so the E. Actually, it's E.D. now that I think about it, it's emotional durability.

[Co-host/Guest]

Emotional durability, meaning that they.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Meaning that they can withstand distress.

[Co-host/Guest]

Okay, I'm gonna ask you the same question I asked before. How the heck do you teach that to your children?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

You withstand their distress while they are distressed. Okay, so here's the deal. So your kid has a terrible day. Maybe their best friend's moving away. Right? Right. Like maybe, like some terrible news came in. They walk in the door, they are upset. They are having a lot of big feelings. That is a moment where you either need to be a Steady presence or fake being a steady presence. Because if you're like, what? No. You know, we're going to find 14 ways to fix this. Okay? You are not demonstrating emotional durability. You are reacting really strongly to the emotion. Making it seem like the emotion is bad and we got to get rid of it makes it really hard for the kid to feel like they can take it in stride. Whereas if you find yourself away and

[Guest/Contributor]

we may sometimes have to, like, really, you know, buck up to do it,

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

to be like, oh, I am so sorry. Like, that is so lousy. Like, of course you're upset. So you're doing two things at once here. You're saying words that are very, very attentive to what's happening in a tone that makes it clear nobody gets knocked off their axis just by this. Right? Like, I don't love this. I can withstand it. Which also then suggests you can withstand it. So the first thing you do with emotional durability is you take good enough care of yourself that when your kid is rocked by something, you can be steady and model for them. As bad as it feels, I do think this is something that can be withstood. So that's step number one.

[Host]

Raising tweens and teens comes with a lot of questions, and Lisa and I are here to help you find answers.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

That's right. And if you like the Ask Lisa podcast, you'll love my free weekly newsletter that delivers seasoned parenting guidance right to your inbox.

[Host]

Every newsletter pivots off of a recent podcast episode to highlight key points in raising tweens and teens. This incredibly popular newsletter is a quick, easy read full of practical parenting guidance.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So go to my website, drlisadamore.com to sign up today.

[Host]

Lisa's weekly newsletter is one more way that we're here to help you untangle family life.

[Co-host/Guest]

So can I tell you, with all everything we're juggling with work and life and getting kids to practice and stuff, how do I know if my kid has that emotional durability or that there's emotional. Emotional moment where I can. Because I. Sometimes I feel like we have tunnel vision. We're just trying to get to the drop off place, trying to get through that test and trying to get through this holiday. How do I see that so I can drill down further into.

[Host]

Because I feel like it's like a

[Co-host/Guest]

sign that I miss and I'm keep

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

on the highway and I'm going, yeah, okay. So the way I would think about it is not, is your kid getting upset sometimes? Like, let's Just assume our kids are definitely getting upset. Like, that's a done deal to me. Emotional durability comes down to, do they know how to manage the feeling effectively? Can they find their way back to feeling good in adaptive ways? Back to adaptive. So a kid who's emotionally. Who's struggling with emotional durability might come in the door and be like, I hate this teacher. Get me out of the class. Right. That is basically like, I'm not withstanding this. I can't take it.

[Co-host/Guest]

Yeah.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Whereas a kid who's got some emotional durability is like, okay, this teacher really rubs me the wrong way. I'm going to grouse you about it, I'm going to complain about it, and then I'm going to go back in and deal with it. Or, okay, this teacher's bugging me. But they also are very good at teaching this one thing, so I'm going to focus on that. Or this teacher's bugging me. And I'm going to actually, like, be really proud of myself for being the big person in this and doing good work for them anyway. And I will use that pride as a way to feel better about this.

[Guest/Contributor]

Or like, I'm going to make a little calendar of how many days I have this teacher, and then I'm going to cope by crossing them off and complaining to my friends about how annoying this person is.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

All good coping, that's what we're looking for. What we don't want to see is make it stop. Get me out of it.

[Co-host/Guest]

I think it's hard when you know your child is in turmoil or struggling and they can't get off.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah, it is hard. Right. I remember when my older daughter, her start of junior year in college, so she's in college, where they're basically housed

[Guest/Contributor]

in kind of like old apartments that are pretty worn down.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

And for the first three weeks, she

[Guest/Contributor]

did not have a working toilet in her suite. So, like, every time she had to use the restroom, she had to take this rickety old elevator down to an old lobby and use the bathroom in

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

the basement first floor. But, like, that was the toilet. Okay. This was very unpleasant for her. I get it.

[Guest/Contributor]

She did not like it.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

But, like, you can't come home.

[Guest/Contributor]

Like, that can't be the reason why you leave college. You know, she called us and complained

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

about it a lot.

[Guest/Contributor]

She called the housing authority and she stayed on them.

[Co-host/Guest]

She worked through it.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

She powered through, you know, problem solving.

[Guest/Contributor]

That's a form of coping.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

What did you do?

[Co-host/Guest]

I mean, it sounds to me it's like, oh, my gosh.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Like, I. I didn't like it. I didn't like it one bit. But. Okay, but, Rena, here's the thing that's really important. If we think about emotional durability as a good right. And we think about something that future proofs our kids, makes them capable of dealing with, like, I mean, a broken toilet's the least of the curveballs any of our kids are ever going to deal with. The broken toilet can actually become our friend. Because then we're like, I'm getting to watch you figure out how to deal with this. And I'm getting to watch if you can figure out how to deal with this. And I'm getting you to watch you problem solve. Right? Like, and then we just cheer for the coping. You were doing the best job. This is really not that fun. I see you doing it. Good job. So they are withstanding distress. They are not letting it knock them off course. Anytime we celebrate those things, I think we're doing our kids a solid.

[Co-host/Guest]

Yeah, I love that.

[Host]

So as we think of the new

[Rena Neinen]

year, Lisa, I love this. Aced.

[Co-host/Guest]

Aced.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Adaptability, conscientiousness, emotional durability. I think that's what we can focus on the here and now to see where it gets us going forward.

[Co-host/Guest]

And as we look into the new year, why is this so important?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I think that our job as parents, I think in some ways the hardest job as parents is not to get our kids through today. I think our job is to really be thinking ahead. Like, what can we equip you with so that, you know, five years, 10 years down the road, you are ready to withstand and maybe even make, you know, good out of things that aren't going the way you hope they would go where you'd want them to go. Like, I think if we focus on that, it lets us get a little distance on, like, the annoyances of the day to day and rather not. Instead of being. And I can be this way too, where you're just like, oh, man, like, can we just make this annoyance go away? Instead of being like, how do I make this thing go away as often as we can be? Like, how do we treat this as an opportunity to check that you are adaptable, to make sure that you are upright and ethical and, you know, see that you can just withstand it and find ways to withstand it so that you can actually plow ahead and not be knocked off course.

[Co-host/Guest]

It's also a good reminder that kids are watching how we conflict resolution, deal with conflict and how we Resolve it.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

And so I think we've got to keep an eye on how we're handling the same things. I love that.

[Co-host/Guest]

I love that. What do you have first for parenting to go?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So I sort of gestured at this, but I want to come back to it. All of this is hinging on our well being. Right? You cannot help. It could be adaptable if you are at the end of your rope. You cannot help a kid find their better self if you are so frustrated that you're just mad at them for their behavior. And you sure as heck can help kid become emotionally durable if you are bowled over by what they're bringing your way. So as we think about 2026 and people are making their New Year's resolutions, if they are, I would say assess how you are doing in terms of your own sturdiness and well being. Go out of your way to protect it, both because you as a parent need and deserve that. And also if you're going to cultivate future proofed kids, you're going to need it too.

[Co-host/Guest]

Future proof kids. I love it. Lisa, this is my favorite episode always of the year because you get us to rethink how we are looking this in the summer episode.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah, I like the ones where we sort of step back, you know, think big about like how do we want

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

to approach this new time.

[Co-host/Guest]

But you drop parenting concepts that would never have entered my mind. So thank you, thank you for expanding my parental brain.

[Host]

And next week we're going to talk about how do you help your kids build a healthy relationship with food.

[Co-host/Guest]

Wishing you the best in 2026. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Lisa.

[Rena Neinen]

Thanks for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to the Ask Lisa podcast so you get the episodes just as soon as they drop. And send us your questions to ask [e-mail] and now a word from our lawyers. The advice provided on this podcast does not constitute or serve as a substitute for professional psychological treatment therapy or other types of professional advice or intervention. If you have concerns about your child's well being, consult a physician or mental health professional. If you're looking for additional resources, check out Lisa's website at Dr. Lisa Damore on dot com.