256: How Many Piercings Should a Teen Have?

Summary

Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens

Episode 256: How Many Piercings Should a Teen Have?

Date: January 27, 2026
Hosts: Dr. Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a thoughtful letter from a 16-year-old girl negotiating with her mother over getting a third piercing. Dr. Lisa and Reena use this scenario as a springboard to explore broader parenting principles about self-expression, boundary-pushing in adolescence, navigating cultural norms, and cultivating healthy tension in the parent-teen relationship. The discussion emphasizes empathy, compromise, and open dialogue.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Letter: A Teen's Perspective on Piercings

• A 16-year-old listener writes in, expressing her desire for a third piercing and her mother's resistance.
• The teen sees piercings as self-expression but also acknowledges her mom’s concerns about "wanting more and more."
• Both hosts celebrate the coolness and self-awareness of teens who write in, noting she’s considering both perspectives.
• Quote (02:23):
  “I know what I’m gonna do. I am gonna get these piercings, and I’m gonna go through the podcast that my mom likes to work on this problem.” – Dr. Lisa

2. Is There a "Right" Answer?

• Dr. Lisa insists there is rarely a strict right or wrong in these scenarios; context matters (03:00–04:10).
  • If a teen wanted “to pierce every visible surface,” boundaries make sense.
  • Conversely, if wanting simple ear piercings with no cultural/religious restrictions, she might side with the teen.
  • This particular case falls in the middle, requiring nuanced consideration.

3. Cultural Attitudes Toward Piercing

• Reena shares her Indian cultural background, where piercing infants' ears is common, but multiple piercings or nostril studs can be seen as lowbrow or controversial in some families (04:12–06:44).
  • Quote (06:06):
    “My parents think… getting more than your ears pierced is crazy.” – Reena
• Lisa highlights the diversity of beliefs even within a culture, and how cultural context shapes parental attitudes.

4. The Psychology (and Practice) of Piercing

• Both hosts discuss self-expression, using outward appearance—hair, clothes, makeup, piercings—as a developmental need.
• Dr. Lisa reflects on her own experience:
  • She nonchalantly got a third piercing before college in a hospital hallway, without consulting her parents (08:20–09:14).
  • Quote (09:14):
    “I have no memory of ever checking this with my family.” – Dr. Lisa

5. Healthy Adolescent Tension

• Lisa reframes the situation, emphasizing that friction, negotiation, and pushing boundaries (“spicy” teens) are signs of healthy adolescent development (11:37–13:29).
  • Parental resistance and teen boundary-testing form an expected, productive tension.
  • Quote (13:29):
    “I like my teenagers spicy. I want a little something that’s pushing the adults, rubbing the adults the wrong way. ... Nothing dangerous, nothing that’s going to matter when they’re 30.” – Dr. Lisa

6. The Power of Waiting

• Delaying gratification—like waiting until a 17th birthday—can be a useful compromise, letting the issue breathe without saying yes or no immediately (13:29–14:24).
• Lisa explains that “tension” keeps kids from escalating demands and reinforces healthy boundaries.

7. Does Location of the Piercing Matter?

• Both hosts agree that not all piercings are equal for parents:
  • Ear piercings may be acceptable; visible facial, lip, or tongue piercings can impact others’ judgments, especially in more conservative communities or for job prospects (16:05–18:11).
  • Quote (18:11):
    “Doing something that is very, very edgy… may get in the way of how you are perceived in terms of your competence or appropriateness for certain things, like a retail job…” – Dr. Lisa
  • Teens today may push back, insisting they don’t want to work somewhere that judges them for piercings.

8. Strategies for Compromise and Communication

• Lisa recommends a communication exercise for impasses:
  • Each person articulates the other’s perspective in their own words, allowing for empathy and understanding (24:27–27:25).
  • The teen’s letter already demonstrates some of this ability by acknowledging her mother’s viewpoint.
  • Quote (24:50):
    “A really helpful exercise is for each person to voice the other person’s view of the thing. … There is something incredibly powerful about having to articulate the other person’s position in your own words.” – Dr. Lisa

9. Tattoos vs. Piercings

• Piercings are often reversible; tattoos, less so.
  • Parents might reasonably forbid tattoos pre-18 but be more lenient about piercings.
  • Lisa suggests a waiting exercise: mark a year on the calendar, and if the teen still wants the tattoo after a year, consider it (22:22–24:15).
  • Quote (24:05):
    “Today’s January, whatever… if you still want it in a year from now, I’m good with it.” – Dr. Lisa

10. Final Parenting Advice – “Parenting to Go”

• Dr. Lisa summarizes that the hallmark of compromise is everyone giving something up; these situations are routine in raising teens (28:18–29:06).
  • Quote (28:18):
    “There’s a lot of compromising in raising teenagers. … Once you’re into the healthy tension… you gotta be ready to do some compromising.” – Dr. Lisa

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On pushing boundaries:
  “I expect to see it. I always have said, I like my teenagers spicy.” – Dr. Lisa (13:29)
• On generational change:
  “Tattoos are so different now than they used to be.” – Dr. Lisa (21:17)
• On self-alignment:
  “I actually think it’s kind of cool that she’s got piercings and nobody else needs to know that, you know?” – Reena (07:12)
• On empathy-building:
  “When you articulate it, your empathy for the position of the other person goes up.” – Dr. Lisa (27:25)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:23] – Reading & reacting to the listener’s letter
• [04:12] – Cultural differences in piercing
• [07:58] – Personal experiences with piercing
• [13:29] – The value of healthy family tension
• [16:05] – Discussing location of piercings (ears vs. visible facial piercings)
• [18:25] – Teens’ responses to judgment over self-expression
• [21:17] – Tattoos and parental boundaries
• [24:27] – Communication technique: voicing each other’s viewpoint
• [28:18] – Parenting to Go: compromise is part of parenting teens

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Summary

This episode offers a nuanced, empathetic exploration of parent-teen negotiations around body modification (specifically piercings), with insights applicable to many adolescent boundary-testing moments. Dr. Lisa and Reena highlight the importance of maintaining healthy tension, clear communication, and compromise. By advocating for exercises that foster real understanding and by recognizing the developmental need for self-expression, the hosts provide science-backed strategies for parents facing similar issues.

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For a detailed breakdown on handling self-expression, compromise, or navigating conflict with your teen, check out Dr. Lisa Damour’s free weekly newsletter at drlisadamour.com.

Transcript

[A]

Tell me a parenting issue everyone struggles with with tweens and teens, but no one talks about Rena.

[B]

I think a lot of people feel like they just don't know how to connect to their kid anymore.

[A]

I'm Rena Neinen and welcome to Ask Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and teens.

[B]

And I'm Dr. Lisa Damore. We bring you science backed strategies for managing anxiety, discipline, intense emotions and more.

[A]

We decode tough parenting issues with tips you can use right now. So subscribe to Ask Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and Teens and join our YouTube community. Today just Google Ask Lisa podcast.

[B]

We're here to help you untangle family life.

[A]

Episode 254 how many piercings should a teen have? You know, I just loved our episode last week. You always come up with these great concepts that are easy to incorporate in family life. So thank you for that.

[B]

You are welcome. I will say like the best part of my job is that I just get to keep thinking and pushing my own thinking about how to be useful, what I want for my family, what I want for other families and then to have our little world of our podcast where I can then, you know, with you, share that broadly like I have the best job in the world. I know I do.

[A]

I love. I absolutely loved it. I thought it was great and got some great feedback. So thank you. But this is a very interesting letter that you wanted to take up and I want to get into it. It's about piercings and, and teens. I'm going to read it for you. Dear Dr. Lisa, I'm a 16 year old girl and my mom loves your podcasts. For the most part we get along but there are some things we just don't see eye to eye on. I was wondering if you'd ever talk about piercings on your podcast. I. I have two right now and I wanted a third for years but my mother doesn't understand why I want them. She's absolutely against it. I see it as a way of self expression with jewelry and I love the look of it. I think she thinks I'm going to want more and more and maybe she's right. But I thought it was an interesting topic because I see her side as well and I know for a fact if you talked about it on one of your episodes she would have to see both sides. Anyways, love you and your content. Oh my gosh, I love that we are getting letters from cool teens. I know how cool is this teens?

[B]

They are so cool. So she is so cool. They Are also cool. But I also love that she's like, I know what I'm gonna do. I am gonna get these piercings, and I'm gonna go through the podcast that my mom likes to work on this problem. And, like, they're the greatest. They're the greatest in the world.

[A]

Yeah. When you suggested this, I was like, what? And then our team showed me the letter, and I was like, okay, we totally have to do this one. Okay. My first question. Who's right on the piercings?

[B]

Well, I don't know that there's a right. I don't know that there's a right. I think there are extremes where it's probably easier to have some clarity. Right. I mean, if this kid were saying, I would like to pierce every visible surface of my body, and my mom is being kind of a stick in the mud about it, I think I would probably be like, you know, like, I can See why at 16, your parent may have some real reservations about that. I can also see unless there's. And I imagine there are communities where there's religious injunctions or reasons why you don't do this. But I can also see the other extreme. Like, if, you know, if a kid wants to get her ears pierced and she's got no piercings and, like, all her friends have them, and they live in a community where that's happening, and the parent, without any other broader rationale related to religion or culture, is saying, absolutely not. I can see where I would totally take the kid's side, but this one's in the middle. Like, this one, like, she's got two piercings. She's not saying where she wants the third piercing. I'm registering that it could be her nose, it could be her ear. My hunches. It's her ear. I don't know why, but what do you think? If you as a mom and you've got a daughter, you also come from a culture where piercing.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

Has different parameters. So, like, oh, totally. If this were your kid, what would you. Where would you be? With us?

[A]

First off, in Indian culture, I mean, it is not uncommon. It's actually quite common that people. Babies get their ears pierced, like, under one, you know, and they wear nice gold. You know, jewelry is very big in India, especially gold and. Yeah, that sort of thing. So it's not uncommon now. Multiple piercings. My parents are so conservative. They were just. Would never have allowed that. But I can see it on your ear. That's totally fine. You know, I was at the gym a couple of weeks ago, and I was heading to the shower and then I saw a woman who had both nipples pierced that I never would have expected the piercing. It kind of shocked me, I have to say. And.

[B]

And never expected because of, like, her overall look. The rest of her overall look, like, did not. Did not telegraph nipple piercing.

[A]

It did not telegraph nipple piercing. So when we got this letter, I was curious, why do people do it? Like, do you know the psychology behind why people choose to pierce and why it's so important to some people?

[B]

That's a great question. I don't know that we have a developed psychology.

[A]

There's no research on piercings, Lisa.

[B]

I bet there is. I actually bet there is. Now I'm gonna go look at all the research on piercings. But what this kid is talking about and what that woman is. I don't know why she pierced her nipples. It's self expression. Right. It's just, I think it's sort of under that big umbrella of self expression and all of the ways we express our identity through our outward appearance, like our clothes, our hair, the way we wear, our makeup, you know, piercings. Wait, can we come back to a question about India and. Oh, yeah, sure.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Let's do it. Tell me that those little nose studs.

[A]

Yes, you're right.

[B]

I think those are really cool. Are those seen as less than conservative in Indian culture or are those sort of under the.

[A]

My parents think they're. If we were to have my mom on, she would say they were very low brow, but.

[B]

Oh, that's interesting.

[A]

She does not. So I don't feel like it's homogenous that just because some people do it is accepted. But you're right, I kind of feel like that originated in India. I have no proof of that.

[B]

If I. This is, you know, take this as for what it's worth, but if I see an Indian woman with that, to me that seems utterly cultural. Cultural. Utterly cultural. But it's so good and wonderful to learn from you. Like. Well, not necessarily. Right. Like that there's, you know, diversity within the culture on this as there is within any culture on anything.

[A]

Yes, I think. And. And my parents come from the standpoint of getting more than your ears pierced is crazy, you know, but, you know,

[B]

okay, so then where are your parents and where are you on a third ear piercing?

[A]

I'm not. Pierce all you want on your ear. I don't think that's crazy. You know, and this woman at the gym had me looking at piercings. Completely different. I actually think it's kind of cool that she's got piercings and nobody else needs to know that, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Well, that's interesting, right? Like the private aspect. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, anytime there is something where, like, I have parented through it and made my own parenting choices, you know, I sort of feel like I owe it to our audience to be kind of upfront about where I'm at with this. Yes. And I have been very at ease. My older daughter wanted two extra piercings, one on each ear. And she was like, 15, 16. And I think I made her wait. And I want to come back to that. I think I didn't do it instantly when she said. When she asked for it. But to me, it's not that big a deal. And I will tell you, part of why I'm okay with it is that in high school, I got a third piercing. Do you have only two? Do you have two holes, Reena? One in each ear?

[A]

I have only two. And let me tell you, the one that I had. Apparently, guys, you're not supposed to sleep with your earrings on because it ripped through my ear and I had to have it kind of. Yeah, it's kind of gross, but. But so, like, I can barely handle one in each ear. That's me personally, I have nothing against people with piercings. I actually think they're kind of cool. But, yeah, well, and it's interesting.

[B]

I don't even remember actually consulting my parents on whether or not I got the third one. And the way I got it actually is a little bit weird and kind of funny. I was headed to college, and I decided I wanted one for college, I think sort of under the, like, self expression. Want to be cool. And it was the summer before college, and I was actually working in. In the surgical rooms at Denver Children's Hospital. I was doing. I was working on a research study that had me in and out of the surgical rooms. It's a long story, but I mentioned to the nurses that I was working with that I was thinking about getting a third piercing. And they were like, oh, our syringes are way sharper and cleaner than anything you're going to find. Bring in a needle tomorrow. We'll do it for you. And so they did it in the hallway of the surgical rooms. They just, like, right, right into my ear. And I was actually 17, and I truly. I have no memory of ever checking this with my family.

[A]

Did they notice?

[B]

I don't even remember that, Reena. I mean, and also, like, I know my mom. Like, I don't think she'd care that much. Like I think she'd be like whatever. And also like I was literally like weeks from heading to college, you know. So I think it was sort of towards the back end. The start of the new year always comes with some new energy and some ambition to put ideas into place. So maybe 2026 is the year that you launch that business that you've been thinking about. There's one powerful thing you can do to put that future firmly in your hands and that's starting your business with Shopify. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person. Millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap from household names to first time business owners. Just getting started and setup is fast with Shopify's built in AI tools that write product descriptions and headlines and help you edit your product photos in 2026. Stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com asklisa go to shopify.com asklisa that's shopify.com askleaser hear your first this new year with Shopify by.

[A]

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[B]

okay, so what should happen here? So one thing I mentioned was the waiting. So one way to size this up is first of all, I don't think there really is a right answer. Like I Don't feel like, oh, you know, there's such clarity on this. Like, I can see where the mom is, like, you know, why don't you hold off? Why don't you wait? I can see where a parent might be, like, sure, fine, you can have it. Like, I don't like on one extra piercing, you know, and let's presume it's the ear, or maybe even I don't. You know, I think a stud in the nose is cool, but that's my view of things. I don't think there's a really clear, like, one way it should go. I think the broader framing we want to put around this is that teenagers want to do things their folks don't want them to do. Teenagers, by their nature, push boundaries, are pushing forward. And in many ways, the picture of health in an adolescent's life, in a family with an adolescent, is that the kid is sort of pushing and asking for more than the family wants to give, and the family is pulling back. Right. That. That's actually the kind of tension I like to see. I don't want a kid who's, like, asking for everything, and it's a constant fight, but I also don't want a kid who is so. So mild and so compliant that they're not actually pushing. So whatever we do by way of helping this family resolve this or not, I just want to say right here, right now, this is perfect adolescence. The kid is like, one more piercing. One more piercing. The parents are like, don't know. No, no. Like, I love that. And I think it's. We don't talk about that enough. That, like, this is health.

[A]

Yeah. You know, you. This is a great reminder about the tension because I think everyone wants to avoid conflict. And you do remind us that tension with your teen is not a bad.

[B]

No. And actually, I expect to see it. And I always have said, I like my teenagers spicy. I want a little something that's kind of pushing the adults, rubbing the adults the wrong way. Nothing dangerous, nothing harmful, nothing that's going to matter when they're 30. That's, I think, always a really key measure. But so one thing, and I think this is what I did. But this isn't why I'm necessarily making this recommendation. I think that there may be a place where if the parent has their reservations, which obviously the parent does, they say, like, you know what? Why don't we do it for your 17th birthday? Right. So it's a little bit like, I'm not giving in, but I'm also not saying no, Right. That there's. That that tension is maintained a little longer. I wonder if that's, you know, that's a way that kind of everybody wins, that the kid.

[A]

Why do you like that tension, like, making them wait? What. What does it do? The waiting?

[B]

I think there has to be some tension. Like, it's funny. And I'm thinking this through as we talk it through together. I think that it's healthy when there's tension in a family where the kid is sort of pushing against something that the adult doesn't necessarily want. And I think you want to maintain. You know, I think it should be there if it's gone, if it goes away too fast, right. If the kid's like, I want to, you know, smoke do, you know, have vapes in the house? And the parents are like, okay, fine. Like, I'm not going to have that fight. Then the kid's like, okay, well, what else I got to do to, like, get a little tension going around here? Like, I think sometimes kids will ratchet it up if they don't get tension. And once they get tension, they'll usually, I think, feel like, okay, the adults are in charge. Like, I don't agree with them, but this is not a free for all right. I think that there's real value in that. And it's funny, Reena. I was. I was driving home from my office yesterday and I saw these four boys who had just come. We have a skateboarding area.

[A]

Oh, cool.

[B]

It is cool. It is cool. And they were, I think, to a lot of adult size, kind of sketchy looking teenagers. You know, they were in, like, black sweatsuits and they had their hoods up, but they were all carrying their skateboards. But they definitely had a very edgy look. A very edgy look. And, you know, I was just like, this is what I like. I like this. Right? I mean, like, none of what I am able to see on these boys will matter when they're 30, right. And they're doing, like, skateboarding. Like, I love skateboarding. Like, it is a little bit dangerous, a little bit risky, a little bit edge pushing. And it's like literally going on at our community park and they are walking home. Right.

[A]

What a great point. You're so right. Yeah.

[B]

Make room for this. Make room for this with teenagers.

[A]

Yeah. Does it matter where the piercing is? Like, do you have reservations about that?

[B]

I do start to. Do you?

[A]

You do? Really? Okay.

[B]

Yeah. But do you. Don't. Do you have piercing? Like, do you have, like, does it all seem equal to you wherever she gets.

[A]

No, because I'm a total wimp and could barely handle, like I said, ears. My ears being pierced. In fact, when I got my ears pierced, my mom, let's tell the story that I was 8 and she said, I wish I was a boy, and was really angry at her for taking me to get my ears pierced because I didn't really want to do it. So interesting. Yeah, yeah. But it was like, oh my God, she hasn't had her culturally. It's sort of like everybody's culturally.

[B]

This was just an imperative.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's really interesting.

[A]

Isn't that interesting?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I love learning about each other's earlier lives through this podcast. Okay, so here's where. And I could totally see. This is a place where I think reasonable people disagree. Here's what I think. I do think where it happens matters because at least where I live in the suburbs of Cleveland, where it's not super hip all the time, I think if one of my daughters was like, I want to get my lip pierced or I want to get my tongue pierced in a way that will be visible to people, or I want to get a ring on my nose, there's a special name for that ring that goes in the middle of the nose. I would be like, I'm going to be asking you to get a retail job pretty soon. And I think that we need to grapple with the fact that doing something that is very, very edgy, at least in our community, may get in the way of how you are perceived in terms of your competence or appropriateness for certain things, like a retail job that I'm going to require you to have. Now, is it right to judge people? No. Is it a measure of one's competence or capacities or ethics or anything where you have a piercing? No. Do people make those assumptions when they are doing interviews with potential employees, especially for front facing jobs? Oh, yes, they do. So I think the where is an issue.

[A]

Yeah, no, that. That makes total sense. But you know, when you go back to the thing of self expression, I also feel like our children's generation are very adamant about certain things and they're like, well, if they're not going to hire me for that, then I don't want to work in that place.

[B]

Well, that is exactly right. That is exactly right. You totally have embodied what a smart teenager would say, which is, I don't want to work for somebody who's going to judge me based on my nose ring. Right. I mean, like, that is exactly what a smart teenager would say. And I think that then the parent may be a little bit stuck. They may also say, we're going to put parameters around a job for you in terms of what our expectations are or even, I mean, I hate to say this, I think teachers will judge kids differently based on nose ring. No nose ring. Right. I think that there is a conversation to be had about, like, you're going to make things sort of more uphill for you in a context and environment where you're going to be asking the teacher for a college recommendation or you're going to be trying to get a job from that person. And that may be a place where the parent puts their foot down and is like, no, not while you're still trying to get into college or trying to get a job or whatever. Yeah. It does also raise the question of something that's removable.

[A]

You can take it out.

[B]

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[A]

Raising tweens and teens comes with a lot of questions and Lisa and I are here to help you find answers.

[B]

That's right. And if you like the Ask Lisa podcast, you'll love my free weekly newsletter that delivers seasoned parenting guidance right to your inbox.

[A]

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[B]

So go to my website, drlisadamore.com to sign up today.

[A]

Lisa's weekly newsletter is one more way that we're here to help you untangle family life. I'm just curious if you. I was just going to ask you. Do you feel the same way about tattoos?

[B]

Boy, tattoos are so different now than they used to be. Right?

[A]

Tell me more. Why do you.

[B]

I think about this all the time. Like, I was. I was watching an old video of the singer role model on snl, and, you know, that guy's got a lot of tattoos. It doesn't even register anymore as a lot of tattoos. Right. I mean, that growing up, that would have seemed so much.

[A]

Totally. You're right. It's. In a generation, so much has changed. I actually. And maybe it's my years in television news, I love hanging out with the people with piercings and tattoos. They're just far more interesting. And they're often, often behind the scenes, you know, working the audio or the camera or. And they're just the silent observ observers on everything. Like, it's just so interesting to get their takes on stuff.

[B]

But. And did you watch that? I mean, how much tattooing was happening, like, just probably changed very dramatically in the course of your career in terms of what. What you saw.

[A]

Well, I think a generation ago, if somebody got a tattoo, they were so judged. But today, is it really that big of a deal? Like, I. I don't know.

[B]

Well, okay, so I think tattoos and piercings are similar and different enough, right? Similar in that, you know, it's a form of self expression that definitely, you know, young people are interested in, you know, piercings. Most of them, you can take them out, right? Most of them, it can be walked back. Tattoos, not so much. I can easily see a parent saying, you know what? I'm drawing the line at tattoos. You're gonna be 18 soon enough. There's nothing I can do. Once you turn 18, if you want to do this, I mean, there are things you can do. You can threaten to take stuff away, but that's a decision a parent needs to make. But you can say, once you're 18, it's between you and your tattoo artist, especially if you put it somewhere where I can't. I can't see it. But I think that a parent would have to have a lot of comfort with tattoos. Of course, a lot of parents have tattoos. A lot of parents have their own tattoos. And I hear all the time about parents who go with their kids to get tattoos or it's like the 18th birthday. So, again, a place where reasonable people disagree. I think, again, though, it's changing a lot. The argument could be made about, let's make sure this doesn't hurt you in area. Any area where you don't want to be hurt. Or given, you know, constrained by having this thing. But obviously tattoos are a lot harder to walk back than piercings. One thing I heard that I thought was really clever, if a parent was agreeable to a tattoo, and, you know, this is just another tool in a parent's toolbox, is to say to the kid, today is, you know, come up with a date, but, you know, today's January, whatever mark on the calendar a year from now, the tattoo you think you want today.

[A]

Oh, clever.

[B]

And if you still want it in a year from now, I'm good with it. That's one option. If a parent wanted to exercise it,

[A]

I love that option. I think that's wonderful. You give them a year and see how they feel differently. I want to get back to this letter, though. What's your advice for how this mom and daughter resolves this?

[B]

Well, they're talking to each other. They're really thinking it through. There's something here that I want to actually underscore that I think may help towards resolution. Right. Whatever the resolution may be. So what's quite remarkable about this letter is that the kid is really doing a great job, I think, of standing in the parent shoes. She's like, she thinks I'm going to want more. I'm not sure she's wrong. I mean, she's really able to be like, you know, and the kid's not fully articulating what the parents reservations are, but like, this kid is, you know, not saying, my mom's a jerk and won't let me have it. I mean, she's really thinking it through. One really wonderful technique that I want all families to have on their, you know, in their toolbox is if they come to an impasse with their kid, which is what's happened here. The kid wants the piercing. The mom doesn't want the extra piercing. A really helpful exercise is for each person to voice the other person's view of the thing. So this girl has already done this in this letter. She said, I want this, but my mom thinks once I get one, it's going to be, you know, floodgates. What this girl is also telling us is if you all take this up on your podcast, then my mom will need to see my side. What I would love is for the mom, in her words, to try to articulate to the girl the girl's interest in this, to say, you want this because. And, you know, try to do her best job of filling, you know, filling in the blank, and then even say to the daughter, what am I missing? What did I not capture about why you want this. There is something incredibly powerful about having to articulate the other person's position in your own words, in your. Like, say them with your own mouth. I have seen over and over again that this helps people dislodge and impasse a little bit, come to a new way to think about the problem that felt like it was intractable before they did this exercise of each person saying the other person's point of view and checking to make sure they've got it thoroughly. So I don't know what the solution is here, and I don't think there is a beautiful solution that's just, like, going to be the magic bullet that fixes this. But I think the next step is if the parent is like, okay, I'm gonna sit with this terrific kid and I'm gonna try to say in my words why it is she wants this third piercing and see if they can't make a little headway on it.

[A]

That's a great, tangible exercise to do. And by the way, I did this because I love. You've mentioned this before. I did this with social media, certain social media platforms that I felt like they did not need to be on. And the. In doing this exercise, I saw that there were platforms that the kids were on that they're missing content and then missing a whole piece of the social component to their conversations. I know not every parent feels that way, but it just helped me understand a little bit in the moment that I. That I, by articulating it, was better able to feel it and understand it.

[B]

That's. That's it exactly. That when you articulate it, your empathy for the position of the other person goes up. And as soon as we're having conversations with more empathy. Right. And I think there probably is room for the parent to say to this girl, I want you to say, in your words, even more about what my worries are. Right. And. And I think there's probably a little wiggle room on this. Like, you know, this is why teenagers are so great, where this kid's like, I don't know, maybe I do want more where the parent might say, you know what? Wait till you're 17, for one, and then, you know, don't even bring it up with me until you're 18. Right? Like, you're not even having this conversation. Like, one is like the lim for our conversations while you're under the age of 18. So I think there's. There's good room in here for them to come together and come up with something. That is a compromise. That is just a compromise.

[A]

That's great. What do you have for us, Lisa, for parenting to go?

[B]

Well, I'm thinking about compromise and I'm thinking about what a compromise means is nobody gets everything they want, everybody gives something up. And I gotta tell you, there's a lot of compromising in raising teenagers Now. There are things that you don't compromise on. And I think my will it matter when they're 30 rule is a pretty good place for compromise. Is not going to be something you're going to do around things like drugs or driving 90 miles per hour. No, I think once you're into the healthy tension, this will, you know, the outcome will not actually determine their lifestyle or quality of life or even health at 30. I think the nature of the game with teenagers is you gotta be ready to do some compromising.

[A]

All right, great advice. Interesting takes. I love when we take on a topic and I had a certain viewpoint and you helped me shift and change a little bit. I love that about you. And next week we're going to talk about how do you guide a kid who, who only cares about becoming an influencer. Talk about that next week. I'll see you next week.

[B]

I'll see you next week.

[A]

Thanks for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to the Ask Lisa podcast so you get the episodes just as soon as they drop. And send us your questions to ask [e-mail] and now a word from our lawyers. The advice provided on this podcast is, does not constitute or serve as a substitute for professional psychological treatment, therapy or other types of professional advice or intervention. If you have concerns about your child's well being, consult a physician or mental health professional. If you're looking for additional resources, check out Lisa's [e-mail].