Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens

Episode 256: How Many Piercings Should a Teen Have?

Date: January 27, 2026
Hosts: Dr. Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan

Episode Overview

This episode centers on a thoughtful letter from a 16-year-old girl negotiating with her mother over getting a third piercing. Dr. Lisa and Reena use this scenario as a springboard to explore broader parenting principles about self-expression, boundary-pushing in adolescence, navigating cultural norms, and cultivating healthy tension in the parent-teen relationship. The discussion emphasizes empathy, compromise, and open dialogue.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Letter: A Teen's Perspective on Piercings

• A 16-year-old listener writes in, expressing her desire for a third piercing and her mother's resistance.
• The teen sees piercings as self-expression but also acknowledges her mom’s concerns about "wanting more and more."
• Both hosts celebrate the coolness and self-awareness of teens who write in, noting she’s considering both perspectives.
• Quote (02:23):
  “I know what I’m gonna do. I am gonna get these piercings, and I’m gonna go through the podcast that my mom likes to work on this problem.” – Dr. Lisa

2. Is There a "Right" Answer?

• Dr. Lisa insists there is rarely a strict right or wrong in these scenarios; context matters (03:00–04:10).
  • If a teen wanted “to pierce every visible surface,” boundaries make sense.
  • Conversely, if wanting simple ear piercings with no cultural/religious restrictions, she might side with the teen.
  • This particular case falls in the middle, requiring nuanced consideration.

3. Cultural Attitudes Toward Piercing

• Reena shares her Indian cultural background, where piercing infants' ears is common, but multiple piercings or nostril studs can be seen as lowbrow or controversial in some families (04:12–06:44).
  • Quote (06:06):
    “My parents think… getting more than your ears pierced is crazy.” – Reena
• Lisa highlights the diversity of beliefs even within a culture, and how cultural context shapes parental attitudes.

4. The Psychology (and Practice) of Piercing

• Both hosts discuss self-expression, using outward appearance—hair, clothes, makeup, piercings—as a developmental need.
• Dr. Lisa reflects on her own experience:
  • She nonchalantly got a third piercing before college in a hospital hallway, without consulting her parents (08:20–09:14).
  • Quote (09:14):
    “I have no memory of ever checking this with my family.” – Dr. Lisa

5. Healthy Adolescent Tension

• Lisa reframes the situation, emphasizing that friction, negotiation, and pushing boundaries (“spicy” teens) are signs of healthy adolescent development (11:37–13:29).
  • Parental resistance and teen boundary-testing form an expected, productive tension.
  • Quote (13:29):
    “I like my teenagers spicy. I want a little something that’s pushing the adults, rubbing the adults the wrong way. ... Nothing dangerous, nothing that’s going to matter when they’re 30.” – Dr. Lisa

6. The Power of Waiting

• Delaying gratification—like waiting until a 17th birthday—can be a useful compromise, letting the issue breathe without saying yes or no immediately (13:29–14:24).
• Lisa explains that “tension” keeps kids from escalating demands and reinforces healthy boundaries.

7. Does Location of the Piercing Matter?

• Both hosts agree that not all piercings are equal for parents:
  • Ear piercings may be acceptable; visible facial, lip, or tongue piercings can impact others’ judgments, especially in more conservative communities or for job prospects (16:05–18:11).
  • Quote (18:11):
    “Doing something that is very, very edgy… may get in the way of how you are perceived in terms of your competence or appropriateness for certain things, like a retail job…” – Dr. Lisa
  • Teens today may push back, insisting they don’t want to work somewhere that judges them for piercings.

8. Strategies for Compromise and Communication

• Lisa recommends a communication exercise for impasses:
  • Each person articulates the other’s perspective in their own words, allowing for empathy and understanding (24:27–27:25).
  • The teen’s letter already demonstrates some of this ability by acknowledging her mother’s viewpoint.
  • Quote (24:50):
    “A really helpful exercise is for each person to voice the other person’s view of the thing. … There is something incredibly powerful about having to articulate the other person’s position in your own words.” – Dr. Lisa

9. Tattoos vs. Piercings

• Piercings are often reversible; tattoos, less so.
  • Parents might reasonably forbid tattoos pre-18 but be more lenient about piercings.
  • Lisa suggests a waiting exercise: mark a year on the calendar, and if the teen still wants the tattoo after a year, consider it (22:22–24:15).
  • Quote (24:05):
    “Today’s January, whatever… if you still want it in a year from now, I’m good with it.” – Dr. Lisa

10. Final Parenting Advice – “Parenting to Go”

• Dr. Lisa summarizes that the hallmark of compromise is everyone giving something up; these situations are routine in raising teens (28:18–29:06).
  • Quote (28:18):
    “There’s a lot of compromising in raising teenagers. … Once you’re into the healthy tension… you gotta be ready to do some compromising.” – Dr. Lisa

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On pushing boundaries:
  “I expect to see it. I always have said, I like my teenagers spicy.” – Dr. Lisa (13:29)
• On generational change:
  “Tattoos are so different now than they used to be.” – Dr. Lisa (21:17)
• On self-alignment:
  “I actually think it’s kind of cool that she’s got piercings and nobody else needs to know that, you know?” – Reena (07:12)
• On empathy-building:
  “When you articulate it, your empathy for the position of the other person goes up.” – Dr. Lisa (27:25)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:23] – Reading & reacting to the listener’s letter
• [04:12] – Cultural differences in piercing
• [07:58] – Personal experiences with piercing
• [13:29] – The value of healthy family tension
• [16:05] – Discussing location of piercings (ears vs. visible facial piercings)
• [18:25] – Teens’ responses to judgment over self-expression
• [21:17] – Tattoos and parental boundaries
• [24:27] – Communication technique: voicing each other’s viewpoint
• [28:18] – Parenting to Go: compromise is part of parenting teens

Summary

This episode offers a nuanced, empathetic exploration of parent-teen negotiations around body modification (specifically piercings), with insights applicable to many adolescent boundary-testing moments. Dr. Lisa and Reena highlight the importance of maintaining healthy tension, clear communication, and compromise. By advocating for exercises that foster real understanding and by recognizing the developmental need for self-expression, the hosts provide science-backed strategies for parents facing similar issues.

For a detailed breakdown on handling self-expression, compromise, or navigating conflict with your teen, check out Dr. Lisa Damour’s free weekly newsletter at drlisadamour.com.