← Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens
Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens
260: Is My Son Too Obsessed With His Girlfriend?
00:27:38
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- [00:02]
A
Tell me a parenting issue everyone struggles with with tweens and teens, but no one talks about Rena.
- [00:07]
B
I think a lot of people feel like they just don't know how to connect to their kid anymore.
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A
I'm Rena Neinen and welcome to Ask Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and teens.
- [00:18]
B
And I'm Dr. Lisa Damore. We bring you science backed strategies for managing anxiety, discipline, intense emotions and more.
- [00:25]
A
We decode tough parenting issues with tips you can use right now. So subscribe to Ask Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and Teens and join our YouTube community. Today just Google Ask Lisa podcast.
- [00:38]
B
We're here to help you untangle family life.
- [00:43]
A
Episode 260 is My Son too obsessed with his girlfriend? Love, love in the time of the teenage years. What's your take on all that, Lisa?
- [01:01]
B
Oh man, you know, we're fresh off Valentine's Day. This is top of mind for a lot of people. You know, in general, teens are not dating as much as they used to be. And I think it's one of those things where like, we can end up with a. Like, no matter what teens do, people give them a hard time. Like if they're like very, very, you know, emotionally entangled with one another, we freak out. If they don't date enough, we freak out, you know, but, you know, it's intense. I have cared for teenagers who are in some pretty intense relationships and I don't think we should ever underestimate the power of these. I was so glad to get this letter.
- [01:36]
A
Yeah, let's get right into it. I wanna read this to you. Hello, Dr. Lisa and Rena. My son is a sophomore in high school and has had a girlfriend for almost six months now. The relationship has grown from hanging out occasionally to spending nearly every weekend together and communicating constantly over text. Snapchat phone. She's a really sweet girl and I can tell she makes him happy, but I'm worried that things might be a bit too serious for their age. I'm also concerned about how this might affect his friendships and his ability to continue figuring out who he is at this stage. He used to spend time gaming online with his friends, but that doesn't happen anymore. Even when his friends are over, I notice he's often on his phone texting or snapping his girlfriend. The constant communication seems intense. I know that his friends are getting together and I don't hear him mentioning anything about it. Makes me wonder if he's not being invited or if he's choosing not to go so he can spend time with his girlfriend instead. I want to keep the lines of communication open with him and be supportive, but how do we get this to dial down a notch? He's a great student, earns great grades, and is active in sports. I just want to make sure he maintains a healthy balance. Thank you so much for your time and for all the guidance you provide to parents like me. So, Lisa, how common is it to have a relationship in the teenage years this intense?
- [02:57]
B
It's not that common. Like, I would say, like, if you looked across, like, if we did, like, a statistical study of how many teenagers have something that's this, like, you know, intense as this one is. I don't hear it that often, but I hear it, and it definitely happens. And, Reena, there's something that's different about today's relationships between teenagers than, you know, the very intense relationships that we had as adolescents, if we did. And it's mentioned in the letter, which is the 247 aspect of it, that kids who are dating, especially if they have their phones in their rooms, they wake up and they say good morning to each other. They text each other or call each other to say good morning. They say good night at the end of the day. And then they are. They are in touch all day long. They are in touch, like, all day long, whether at school and if they have phones at school with their phones at school. But then the second they get their phones again, they are back together. And I remember sort of watching this evolve in my time as a clinician where, you know, first I just started caring for teenagers who were in these really intense relationships pre phones. And I remember even then being like, man, like, they are more intertwined with one another throughout the day than I am with my own husband. Like, it really is amazing who I like. I like the guy. But, like, we don't hang out nearly as much as teenagers can when they're dating. And then tech came on the scene and then took that up several notches. So there are times in thinking about today's teenagers and caring for them that we can fall back on what we did as adolescents. That's a little bit true here, but it's less true because the intensity is just. It's profound in terms of how much space they can take up in one another's lives.
- [04:37]
A
You know, the mom writes here, she's a little bit worried about his identity at this point. Are you concerned about him being overly defined by his relationship, being so attached to this crazy girlfriend?
- [04:48]
B
I don't know what I think I'm Gonna think about. What do I think? What do you think? What do you think? If you think about your kids. I love. Or kids like this. Yeah. What would your take be, man?
- [04:59]
A
Young love, first love. That is an emotion. I feel like 50 years later. Right. It just, you know, you know, that first crush and when you can talk and what, you know, it's just a wonderful thing that I wish we could bottle up and sell, quite frankly. But I just tr.
- [05:19]
B
But rest on that for a minute. This is on steroids because everything for teenagers is around steroids and then first love and. Oh, my gosh. So let's have a moment of reverence for this is part of life, this first overwhelming, all consuming relationship. And. Yeah. Can it crash and burn in really ugly ways? 100%. But I like what you're saying. Just about. This is powerful and profound and kind of universal and timeless. The kind of consuming nature of this. Okay, so what would you do if you were the parent? Or what do you think? Or about the identity question? Like, what's your take on that?
- [05:59]
A
Well, first off, I will tell you. I think it is. I feel it in different social circles that I see of different kids this age that it's not so common. I felt like when we were growing up, having a boyfriend was a big thing and that was so important, and if you didn't have one, you were really left out. It's not the case today, which I love. Right. And. And you made a point of saying that.
- [06:21]
B
But I.
- [06:22]
A
One thing I do love is my kids have made such great friend choices and they've got a great circle since they were very, very little. And I think I. The fact that he might be left out of. Of the boy group because he's got this relationship and the other guys don't. I worry about that. And also I think these years are important. I've got friends in high school that I still stay in touch with and I love. And I just wonder. You're making a lot of life choices in those years, the high school years. Right. That kind of set the foundation. So should. Should the parent be worried?
- [06:56]
B
Right. I mean, it. It's very well described, you know, the way he's kind of getting onto this relationship island with this girl and leaving, you know, leaving his friendships, getting cut off from the friendships. I can see the worry, right. That. That this is gonna start to become what he's about and what he's all about. Bluntly, Rena, I don't think there's a lot you can do to stop it. Right. I Mean, I don't think this is the kind of thing you can police. I don't think you can really intervene, right? So, like, I think for the parents, you know, they might be like, we're watching a slow accident in motion, right? If she leaves him, he is really going to be in trouble because he's like, you know, kind of dumped his friends in some ways or. And there is one place, I think, where there is grounds for intervention, which is around when he's texting with her in front of his friends. I actually do think that's the place where a parent might be like, dude, you know what? You can enjoy your relationship with your girlfriend, but, like, don't be rude to your friends. Like, I think there's a place where I would actually, as a parent, make a. Make a comment. What's helpful in this letter on the identity question is, like, she's a great girl. That makes this easy, right? Whatever else may be shifting in this boy's identity. And I think there's a really. It's a really good question about identity development. And this is happening. We'd be having a different conversation if, you know, for kids of any gender, the parent was like, and the person they're dating is a horrible influence. Right. That's actually way harder because you're like, I'm losing my kid to somebody who is into stuff I don't like, who, if I try to insert myself, it's gonna get even uglier. So at least in this letter, like, yeah, the kid's identity is being shaped by this. Yeah. There may be a slow. You know, this may not end well. They also may end up married. Right. That happens, too. But to the degree that she is shaping or this relationship is shaping his identity, for now at least, it's probably rubbing off some good stuff on this boy. Right. I mean, like, you know, great teenage girls are great teenage girls, and they are often, you know, wonderful, wonderful influences on themselves and the people around them and the guys they date. If they're dating guys, what's the one
- [08:54]
A
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- [09:58]
B
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- [11:02]
A
You were saying that you can't really stop this if somebody were to like that is so true, especially at this age. So how can you raise some concerns like in this letter, particularly the friendships? You know, she worries about the. The parent worries about the guy friendships. How can you raise those concerns without sounding very dismissive of the relationship?
- [11:23]
B
That is the key one. And like Rena, do you remember? And I remember this through grad school and college where you have a friend who's like a really good friend and then they start dating somebody and like, they're gone. Like they're. They've ghosted you. Do you remember going through that or being that person? Yeah, yeah.
- [11:38]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [11:40]
B
It doesn't always sit well with young people, and I think they get it, but it's also, it can be pretty off putting. And so I think there may be a little room in here for the folks to be like, you know what, buddy? We know you're really into this girl. You know, you don't want to be the guy who dumped his friends over a girlfriend. Like, that's not a good look. I think you could say something as much as that and like, he'll grumble and that's fine. But I think there are times in parenting where without any hopes that, like, the kid's immediately going to adopt, our advice, and we make general comments about how you treat people. Right? And I think that that's a way you could kind of make a general comment like, you don't want to be that guy.
- [12:26]
A
Having the perspective of time that us parents have and knowing what happens with first intense relationships and the statistics of them lasting, you know, decades later, how do you deal with that? When you've got a teen who's this relationship is intense, what's your. How do you deal with it over time? I mean, let's be honest, college could very well be just around the corner where you're probably likely not going to the same college. What's your sense of that, Lisa?
- [12:57]
B
So this gets at something I've seen over the years that is actually one of my least favorite things to see clinically. And when I read or hear a letter like this, I'm like, oof. Like, when I think about if this is a slow moving car accident, like, how's this gonna crash? One thing I have seen, if relationships like this continue, and they do get to the brink of the end of high school and there is a question of, like, who's going where. There's two things often at work. One is in heterosexual relationships, often the boy has enjoyed a closeness with the girl that he's enjoyed with nobody else before. So, like, girls as, you know, using broad gender generalizations, girls in general are pretty intimate with each other. They share a lot. They talk about feelings. They do that. In my experience, when a boy starts dating a girl, especially in high school, and especially when it's this intense and powerful, that is often one of his earliest or first experiences of having this, like, tremendous emotional closeness. Okay, so on balance, this is great, right? Because you want boys to have the kind of support that girls afford one another. But Rena, when it comes to what to do with a relationship or the decision, and you're right, like often around the college decision or things like it, they decide they're not going to stay together because it's impractical. Right. It doesn't work. So they wouldn't have broken up otherwise. But it doesn't make sense to stay together. What I have seen is the girl turns to all her friends and they support her. And the boy, back to that island analogy, is by himself on an island because the one person he was really talking to about intimacy things or close feelings or intense feelings was his girlfriend. And so then what happens, and I've seen this enough, is that he keeps reaching out to her because she's the support.
- [14:54]
A
Even after it's over.
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B
You're saying even after it's over.
- [14:56]
A
Right.
- [14:57]
B
They decided not to be together, but he keeps reaching out to her. So then to make this slow moving car crash worse. And again, like, I don't want people to be like, oh my gosh, my kids should never be in a relationship. But, like, this is what I've seen over time. If he's also iced his friends, right. That could, that could exacerbate the situation. So I get why this parent sent this letter. Because even if they're not in the letter articulating, like, what if this goes, you know, this doesn't last forever. There's enough in this letter to indicate, like, yeah, this could be pretty painful for this guy. And maybe the girl, who knows what's going on with her friendships, who knows if this is her first intimate connection. You know, I'm making gender generalizations, but, like, parents worry about these things for exactly what you said. Like, we know that a lot of these, like, very rarely do these turn into lifelong relationships.
- [15:49]
A
You were mentioning earlier about how, you know, often you see in these relationships with teens, they'll text each other in the morning when they wake up, text each other at night. Do you think there should be parameters around phone use when it gets this heated and it's clearly affected other relationships?
- [16:06]
B
I don't know. I mean, you know, I think there should generally be parameters around phone use, like not in bedrooms, things like that. And I think that's true all through adolescence as long as kids live in your house. Which I know puts me like, you know how like, flexible I am about most things. Like, and this puts me on the sort of rigid end of something, which is pretty unusual. I do think that if this boy is either physically with the girl or digitally with the girl, which is what's basically being described. There's probably room to say, you know what? The phone does not come to the dinner table. The phone should not be present when your friends are around. Like, you need to actually have other face to face interactions. It can't all be her all the time. And, you know, that may be some friction. And that's probably some friction worth having. And again, you know, if the kid pushes back, like, you know, this is what I want. This, you know, you guys don't like her. You know, her folks, his folks could be like, we have no problem with her. This is about basic respect and decency for the people who are in your presence. And we're gonna ask that of you. And you can be grumpy, and we're cool with that.
- [17:11]
A
You know, the one big overarching theme of our podcast that I've always felt and you've helped me understand is conversations, conversations, conversations. They don't have to be lengthy diatribes, but at least talking about it because, you know, I had never thought of the impact a deep, intense relationship would have on my other relationships. And the perspective of time knowing those other relationships might actually be a touch more valuable or equally valuable, you know, than this very intense romance. So when you look at that,
- [17:44]
B
first
- [17:44]
A
off, I want to step back for a second, just ask you, what is the best way to support a teen who might be going through a heartbreak? Because it's very interesting to hear you say that. What's your advice for parents who are dealing with a very intense romance that ends suddenly in the teenage years?
- [18:00]
B
Oh, this is, this is just the worst. The good news is, if a family's already there, we have that episode that we did a while back about how do I help my. How do I support my heartbroken son? And I've actually gotten some really nice DMs to my Insta about like that coming in handy for some folks. I think that what we want to remember is one of the number one rules about adolescents is that their feelings are more intense and they can readily lose perspective, especially when those feelings are really, really activated. So the kid whose heart is broken, that is going to feel so awful. And it's back to what you were saying earlier. Let's not lose sight of how powerful this stuff is because sometimes adults can be like, oh, it's puppy love, or they're just teenagers, or you don't really know what love is. That is not true. And that is not helpful. Right? That's how you Be dismissive, right? You're asking about, how do you not be dismissive? That's how you be dismissive. So we have to really honor the intensity of the pain that they're in. And also we have to hold for them the idea that they will be okay and they will get through this, because it doesn't feel like that to them. Like, to them, it feels like, my heart is bro Ken. It is unfixable. That was my one love. I will never love again. And. And I think that that's really where we say, like, I know this hurts so much. And maybe we say, I've been there, which usually teenagers don't want to hear, but you will get through. What kind of ice cream would you like? And should we go find the puppy? And should we. You know, like, you do all of the comforting, you just love on them because it really is hard. And I actually have found clinically it's harder now because their whole day gets. Becomes a vacuum of where that person used to be. Right? Like, when we were in high school, like, we were hanging out with our friends because we couldn't hang out with our partner all the time or we couldn't talk to them at night or whatever. Like, now it is a massive cavity in their life because of the digital connection that kids have with each other.
- [20:04]
A
That's a great point. It's a great point to remind parents about.
- [20:07]
B
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- [21:16]
A
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- [22:28]
B
I. I think the biggest, maybe easiest mistake to make would be trying to step in, right? Like, having this sort of, you know, midlife knowledge, having our awareness of, like, I love my son or I love my kid. And I see a very painful heartbreak coming down the line because he's, like, dumping his friends. He's all day, all the time with her. This isn't going to last forever. I want to try to do something now to head that off at the pass. So I'm going to say to him, you know what, maybe you should be hanging out with your friends more. Why are you hanging out with her all the time? Or, you know, maybe you, you know, like, I'm going to try to get in there and change things. Super well meaning, totally understandable. The nature of any teenager around anything is the second an adult is like, I'm going to try to make you do something different than you're doing by a reflex. They are like, I'm going to hold tighter to the thing I have. And that's before we even get to the thing that this guy has is a girl he is, like, mad about, right? So, like, it's just like, it is so Romeo and Juliet. Like, it is. So, like, the harder you work to keep them away from each other, the more they're Gonna drive towards each other.
- [23:41]
A
Great, great example. Yeah.
- [23:43]
B
It's so hard. But so I think, like, I'm so grateful that the parrot wrote us. Right? Like, we're like these random ladies that they don't know. And it's like, takes it away from family life. So I think that. I think that it's just gonna be a lot of what is fair to ask of this kid, you know, like, you know what? We want you at dinner. You know what? Don't be rude to your friends. But I think a lot of the worries the parent may have, they're going to have to tell somebody else. I don't think it's going to work in any. There's not going to be any good outcome from airing all of these to the boy.
- [24:23]
A
When you look at a situation like this, we looked at some of the common mistakes that. That parents make. But is there anything else when you step back that you maybe when in your counseling in relationships and family relationships that you wish you could arm parents with as they go in and are dealing with this?
- [24:42]
B
Well, it's interesting. I think about. It's funny how much mileage we're getting out about. Out of it. I think about our. Really. Our episode about fan fiction, Right?
- [24:50]
A
Yeah.
- [24:50]
B
And recognizing a couple weeks ago, like, romantic development is part of healthy development. Sexual development is part of healthy development. Right. So, like, I think as soon as we get to kids and teenagers and romance and like, of course, given the intensity of this relationship, the parents are like, oh, my gosh, are they having sex? Right. I mean, like, all of these things are going to be on a parent's mind. I think we come at it so readily from a perspective of, this is risky, this is dangerous. How do I stop it? And the more we can always have that frame around it of, like, this is actually part of healthy and natural and positive development, the better. And then, Reena, I'll tell you something else. This sounds like a nice relationship. Like, it sounds like they treat each other well. Like, it's definitely big and it's definitely crowding out other things. And that's not an issue. I am always so happy when that's how kids first start their romantic lives. With something kind, something mutual, something tender, even if it doesn't last. If these two treat each other well, they're both learning what relationships really should feel like. I will take that any day over a kid's initiation into the romantic world. Being a relationship that feels unkind or coercive or unhealthy, like, often also super intense. Then you have two problems. One is they're getting hurt. They're going to get hurt more as this thing goes on. And the other is you actually have to help them walk back and understand that's not what relationships should look like. You should be looking for something else. So at least these kids are laying down a template of this feels good and we are good to each other. This is what I'm going to be looking for down the line, too.
- [26:31]
A
I'm laughing because I'm not sure if your advice is for teens or for people married for many, many decades. I could also use that same reminder of how kindness shows up.
- [26:42]
B
Yeah, this is how relationships should be. This is how we should be treating one another. There's just whether you're married, married or
- [26:49]
A
divorced, I think that you have got this understanding. Yeah, it's a great reminder. So, Lisa, what do you have for us for parenting to go?
- [26:57]
B
I can't believe this has never come up, but I'm so glad I can bring it up now. Rena, so much of good parenting is in biting one's tongue. So much of doing a good job as a parent is is in what you don't say. And I don't feel like we get credit for it. Right. When you keep your mouth shut, there's not a lot of credit to be had. It's really hard. It's really frustrating. But I think this is the perfect letter to say that on of like so much of getting it right in family life is not saying the thing you really sometimes want to say.
- [27:33]
A
Hard to do. Very hard to do. Well, thank you, Lisa. And next week we are going to talk about another really important topic, teen depression and suicide in the year 2026. What do we need to know? We have a fabulous guest who has been a friend of the pod for a long time and come on before Dr. Jonathan Singer. So he'll join us next week with a little bit of an update and what we need to think about on this topic. I'll see you next week.
- [27:56]
B
I'll see you next week.
- [28:00]
A
Thanks for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to the Ask Lisa podcast so you get the episodes just as soon as they drop. And send us your questions to ask Lisa@drlisademore.com and now a word from our lawyers. The advice provided on this podcast does not constitute or serve as a substitute for professional psychological treatment therapy or other types of professional advice or intervention. If you have concerns about your child's well being, consult a physician or mental health professional. If you're looking for additional resources, check out Lisa's website at drlisademore. Com.