267: My Kid Has Been Accepted to College. But Is She Ready to Go?

Summary

Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens

Episode 267: "My Kid Has Been Accepted to College. But Is She Ready to Go?"

Date: April 14, 2026
Hosts: Dr. Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan

---

Episode Overview

This episode centers on a parent’s anxieties about their daughter's readiness for college—not academically, but in the critical areas of social adaptation, self-reliance, and personal safety. Dr. Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan explore the transition from high school to college, normalizing common parental worries, dissecting the specific challenges (such as the roommate experience and social pressures), and providing practical, science-backed guidance for preparing both parents and teens for this significant milestone.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parental Worries: Are They Universal?

• Modern Adolescence Is "Homebodier" Post-COVID:
  Many kids are less experienced with independence due to pandemic isolation, creating new anxieties for both parents and students.
  [02:50] Lisa: "One of the things we know post-COVID is kids have gone closer to home since then...there's definitely just been more of a homebodiness in adolescence."

• No One Feels Entirely Prepared:
  Parents often never feel their teen is “100% ready,” pointing out basic life skills and etiquette sometimes missing on the eve of college departure.
  [04:06] Reena: "Do you ever really feel like your child is like, okay, ready, go? I mean…I had never done laundry ever in my life."

2. Roommate Challenges and Navigating Boundaries

• The Roommate Piece as a Major Pain Point:
  The worry about introverted or passive kids managing tricky roommate dynamics is well-founded.
  • Kids sometimes encounter deeply inconsiderate or even unstable roommates, which can be emotionally taxing.
  • Parents should proactively normalize the possibility that things may not be perfect and emphasize available supports (RA, student services, etc.). [07:12] Lisa:
    "There should probably be some preliminary conversations just to say, look, you haven't met your roommate, but…if you feel like they're impinging on your thriving in college, we're all here to help."

3. Social Scene & Party Culture: Safety First

• Assessing Readiness for Social Pressures:

  • Some kids will “hold their own,” but if a child lacks an innate sense of personal safety responsibility, that's a major red flag.
  • Parenting can’t cover every scenario, but foundational values and skills make a difference. [11:49] Lisa:
    "Does my kid really understand that they are responsible for their own safety? ... If you’re like, yes, my kid gets this...you can probably take a breath and relax a little bit."

• Danger of Relying on Luck Instead of Readiness:

  • If a student doesn't have a “safety mindset,” consider delaying college. [12:58] Lisa:
    "There may be conversations that do the job, but you also may have to consider the possibility that, like, college in the fall may not be a great choice for your kid."

4. Making Friends and Social Integration

• The Anxiety of Finding Your People:
  Students today may retreat into phones and old friend groups, hindering new connections. [14:10] Lisa:
  "They handle that by staying lost in their phone and in close contact with the kids they went to high school with...to the detriment of making meaningful connections with other people right there in front of them."

  • Strongly encourages joining clubs, sports, or organizations beyond the classroom.

• More Opportunities Than Before:
  There are more clubs and structured ways to connect than ever, but kids & parents both benefit from planning for this. [16:37] Lisa:
  “I think the good news is...there's more clubs than there ever were. Like, more ways for kids to plug in.”

5. Academic Engagement as a Readiness Metric

• Academic Readiness ≠ High School Graduation

  • “College ready” means both responsible self-management and genuine interest in learning—not just showing up for the social scene. [17:25] Lisa:
    “High school graduation and college readiness are not the same thing, and we confuse them all the time.”

• The Cost of Disengagement:

  • If a teen isn’t invested in the academic side, it's a costly gamble (financially and emotionally). [18:16] Lisa:
    "If your kid's like, yeah, I want to go, but I don't really care about school, well, that's a very expensive choice to make."

6. The "Pause Button": Deferring and Gap Years

• Deferral Is a Valid Option:
  Most colleges will hold a spot for a year; better to wait than to risk academic or emotional failure. [21:25] Lisa:
  “Most schools will very happily hold your spot for a year...Colleges would so much rather have a kid who's ready than have a kid who comes and falls apart.”

• It's Not Easy to Switch Schools if Things Go Wrong:
  If a child crashes and burns, transferring is complicated and often not a clean reset. [22:56] Lisa:
  “You cannot apply to another college without reporting all of your previous college experience...So much better to take a gap year than to have a kid get there and need to walk it back.”

7. How Ready Do They Really Need To Be?

• Perfection Is Impossible:
  No one is 100% ready—most missing skills can be learned on the fly. The job of parents is to secure the big stuff (values, safety, focus) and let experience fill in the rest. [23:39] Lisa:
  “They're never going to be 100% ready. I think that's the thing…I want to offer this as reassurance...your parenting continues right through your kid going to college.”

8. Practical Communication Tips for Parents

• Making Room for Real Talk:
  Teens aren’t always receptive to sudden serious conversations—schedule them when possible, treat it as collaborative. [25:18] Lisa:
  "It's going to go better for everybody if you recognize they've got as many things on their inner to do list as you do. And trying to coordinate as opposed to trying to just, like, intercept them is going to be better."

9. Emotional Side for Parents

• Recognize Both the Sadness and Achievement:
  It’s an emotional moment; allow space for celebration as well as tears. [26:21] Lisa:
  “It's cool, right? I mean, this is sort of what we've been working towards so often in families, so I think there should be some celebration of it, too.”

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Universal Worry:
  Lisa [02:50]: “I think it still holds, right, this idea of, like, my kid's not that, like, worldly, or my kid hasn't really been in these dicey situations...how do I have confidence that she's going to manage this?”

• On Roommate Difficulties:
  Lisa [07:12]: “If it's not [a good situation with roommates], you'll make a lot of other friends. And three, if you feel like they're impinging on your thriving in college, we're all here to help.”

• On Social Anxiety:
  Lisa [14:10]: “Sometimes the way they handle that, they stay lost in their phone and in close contact with the kids they went to high school with to the detriment of making meaningful connections with other people right there in front of them.”

• On Safety Mindset as a Key Test:
  Lisa [11:49]: "Does my kid really understand that they are responsible for their own safety? ... If you’re like, yes...you can probably take a breath and relax a little bit.”

• On Readiness Tests:
  Lisa [17:25]: “High school graduation and college readiness are not the same thing...I would want to see is both, I think, first and foremost, that your kid understands their job, that safety is their job, and second, that they can derive meaning and value from what the college is offering beyond the social, beyond the, you know, moving away from home.”

• On Deferral/Gaps:
  Lisa [22:56]: “So much better to take a gap year than to have a kid get there and need to walk it back. Because the walking it back is not clean, it is not easy, it's expensive, and I think best avoid it if it can.”

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment & Key Insights | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------------| | 00:43 | Host welcome; introduction to the episode's question | | 02:50 | COVID’s impact on adolescent independence | | 05:51 | Deep dive into roommate issues and readiness | | 11:49 | Navigating party culture and personal safety | | 14:10 | Making friends and integrating socially | | 17:25 | College readiness vs. high school graduation | | 21:25 | When (and how) to hit the pause button on college | | 23:39 | Perspective: No one is truly “ready”—that’s okay | | 24:38 | Communication tips for pre-college conversations | | 26:21 | Emotional side—balancing worry with celebrating growth |

---

Practical Takeaways

• Normalize Imperfection: No teen is fully “ready.” Focus on core skills: safety, some self-reliance, academic investment, and willingness to seek help.
• Talk Proactively about social and roommate challenges—don’t assume they’ll speak up.
• Schedule Essential Conversations: Don’t corner your teen; make time for the important talks.
• Consider Deferring if Needed: Gap years are increasingly accepted and preferable to a disastrous first year.
• Guide—but Don’t Micromanage: Parenting continues beyond college drop-off; trust that teens can learn remaining life skills as they go.
• Celebrate the Transition: Feel the feels—anxiety and pride are both normal at this milestone.

---

This episode provides a nuanced, compassionate, and science-informed framework for parents grappling with their child’s emotional and practical readiness for college life. Both the challenges and opportunities of the college transition are thoughtfully unpacked, offering reassurance, concrete steps, and a reminder that parenting doesn’t end when the dorm doors open.

Transcript

[A]

Tell me a parenting issue everyone struggles with with tweens and teens, but no

[B]

one talks about Rena I think a lot of people feel like they just don't know how to connect to their kid anymore.

[A]

I'm Rena Neinen and welcome to Ask Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and teens.

[B]

And I'm Dr. Lisa Damore. We bring you science backed strategies for managing anxiety, discipline, intense emotions and more.

[A]

We decode tough parenting issues with tips you can use right now. So subscribe to Ask Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and Teens and join our YouTube community. Today just Google Ask Lisa podcast.

[B]

We're here to help you untangle family life.

[A]

Episode 266 My kid has been accepted to college, but is she ready to go? You know, this time of year, I still cannot imagine that there will be one year when I will be going through this of finding out where my child got into school and it's that time of year. Lisa Right? Correct me if I'm wrong. Where lots of people know by now.

[B]

Yep, at this point, Rena people, this is resolved. For better or for worse, this is resolved. A lot of families get it nailed down in December if their kid has applied early. But whatever else You Usually by April 1, the decisions are all in and kids know if they're going and maybe even where they're going.

[A]

I want to read you this letter about a parent who's wondering if their child's ready to go. It says, Dear Dr. Lisa and Rena, I'm writing about my daughter who has just been accepted to college. She is bright, kind and capable, but she's also been fairly sheltered, and I worry about how she'll manage a social side of this transition. She tends to be more passive than assertive, especially in unfamiliar situations. I'm concerned about whether she'll be able to stand up for herself if she ends up with a tricky roommate. And I also wonder how she'll handle the party scene, whether she'll be able to hold her own, make thoughtful choices, or resist getting swept up in decisions she might later regret. I don't doubt her character or her values. I just worry that she hasn't had much practice navigating uncertainty, pressure, or or situations where there's no clear right move. And college seems full of those moments. So my question is this. How can I tell whether she's truly ready to go and what can I still do now to help her prepare? Thank you. How worried do you think this parent should be? Because you remember during COVID Lisa there were A lot of parents and families who had kids with them all those years in high school where they didn't really get a chance to form their own identity and go out and break the rules. And I just wonder if there are still lots of parents who still feel that way about their child.

[B]

I think that's exactly it. Right. And actually, I had one of those kids. My older daughter graduated from high school in 2022, went to college in the fall of 22, and had just started re. Socializing or socializing again in her senior year. Um, and so I remember that. And I also. I think, you know, even though Covid. It's hard for me to believe this, like, Covid started six years ago. Like, that seems to me so strange. Like, both. Like, it feels like it was a million years ago. It feels like it was yesterday. But one of the things we know post Covid is kids have gone closer to home since then. Like, kids don't go as far away. But also what this letter says about this kid being sheltered, like, I think there's definitely just been more of a homebodiness in adolescence in the wake of COVID Even though it feels like it was so long ago and so. So I think it still holds, right, this idea of, like, my kid's not that, like, worldly, or my kid hasn't really been in these dicey situations, and now she's 18, and suddenly she's out the door, and, like, how do I have confidence that she's going to manage this, especially now, far away from us or, you know, not living at a home anymore? I think a lot of families have this question.

[A]

Totally. I. I couldn't agree more. This letter felt so on in so many ways, because do you ever really feel like your child is like, okay, ready, go. I mean, I'm sure some parents do, but I. There are so many things. Like, I went off to college. I had never done laundry ever in my life. My mother had always done her laundry. Never, ever had I done it.

[B]

There's a lot of clutch, like, clutch stuff in the summer before kids go to college or something. You're like, oh, my gosh. Like, you don't know how to do these things. And I think there is often a lot of, like, panicked, quick teaching that happens. I think there's also a lot of kids figuring stuff out when they get there. Interestingly, today's teenagers, they'll just YouTube anything they don't know how to do. They'll, like, look it up.

[A]

So true.

[B]

Manage it.

[A]

So true.

[B]

But I do think that there is this general feeling in homes. The only exception, you're like some parents. I feel this way. I think if your kid's been in boarding school, I think a lot of parents are like, well, it's just like the next level of that. But if you take boarding kids out of the equation, I think a lot of families are looking at their kid one way or another wondering are you really ready? Right. And it can be as stuff as, you know, as it is in this letter about like you're just not that assertive, right? Are you going to get run over by a roommate or you know, by, you know, what's going on at a party. But I also think I just want to normalize for families. I think a lot of parents are like sitting across the table from their kid, looking at their kids manners and being like, oh my Lord, like we really thought we would have this better managed before you went to college and like now you're 18 and really don't want me to ride you about this. So I think whether it's are you going to be buck wild or are you going to remember to put your napkin in your lap? I think that the worries that parents have run the gamut of those kinds of concerns.

[A]

You know, I want to ask you about the roommate piece because I think that sort of can be very much a make or break because this is the person you end up coming back to. You're sharing space with, you're figuring out how to make those tensions work. How can concerned are you with a child who might be a little bit more quiet and passive if you have an aggressive roommate situation, that's an issue

[B]

actually that of all the things in the letter that I was like, ooh, that could actually be pretty tricky. Like I'm actually not that worried about this kid at parties. So I think we should talk about does happen that even if kids choose their roommate, which increasingly kids do, people find themselves in situations where the roommates. Not a great person to live with I think is like the big, you know, generic way to say it. And it may either be because they're inconsiderate, like in a very kind of, you know, more than just sort of like garden variety inconsiderate, like really inconsiderate, like leaving their stuff everywhere or using your own kid's stuff, or it may be that the roommate is. Is struggling in a pretty significant way. We have kids who are coming to college with pretty significant mental health concerns that are not well addressed. Right. So that they may very, very depressed or you Know, struggling with substances or you know, having like an open problem that is obvious to their roommate and that causes a lot of anxiety and worry for the roommate who then is trying to figure out what to do. So I would say whether your kid is like the one in this letter, somebody you're worried is going to have a hard time standing up for themselves. I would say across the board there should probably be some preliminary conversations just to say, look, you haven't met your roommate, but here's a couple things I just want to say before you. One, I hope it's great. Two, if it's not, you'll make a lot of other friends. And three, if you feel like they're impinging on your thriving in college, we're all here to help. We can coach you through it, we can talk about it. That is not something you have to deal with by yourself.

[A]

You know what, that's great advice that everybody should sort of have that roommate conversation. Even if you're dorming with your best friend. I mean, no matter what the situation is, there should be a roommate conversation. You're making me realize, I think there

[B]

should because I what I know, and I know this both from friends in college counseling, I know this from having taught college for a long time, is that these super wonderful, well meaning 18 year olds will end up like taking on or dealing with far more than they should often in a tricky roommate situation. Like they'll, they'll feel responsible for their roommates care or they will tolerate their roommate like locking them out. So they're carrying on their romantic life. They adapt far too much. And I actually remember a piece I wrote a while ago for the Times and we'll link it in the show notes about tricky roommate situations. I remember talking to a college counseling person who was like in the first semester, so much is changing and they're so stressed, they're just operating on instinct and so they don't necessarily reach out for the help they need. And so the bottom line, roommate stuff is kids do not have to manage this alone. Like we can talk them through. There's an ra, there's a dean of students. Like there's a lot of support for this. The goal isn't like have a fabulous roommate situation. The goal is if it's not going well, don't feel isolated with it.

[A]

We cannot wait to say goodbye to winter. But one of my favorite little comforts is my one skin bundle. I love using the topical face cream and also the Oso One Eye topical supplement. I love that it just sinks right into my skin. It's not greasy, it's super easy to apply. And I also love Just like our podcast, these products are grounded in science, so there's no hocus pocus about it. But my favorite difference is I've witnessed more even skin tone and the elasticity of my skin has changed. Born from over a decade of longevity research, One Skin's OSO1 peptide is proven to target the visible signs of aging, helping you you unlock your healthiest skin now. And as you age, for a limited time, try one skin with the 15% off code [e-mail]. that's 15% off of Oneskin CO with the code ASKLISA. And after they purchase, be sure to tell them you heard about them on the Ask Lisa podcast to show your support for the show.

[B]

Friends, you know how much I care about having the guidance that we give families be grounded in research. We can't just be making this stuff up. This is why I can't recommend the podcast Screen Deep Enough. It's a Webby nominated podcast that aims to decode young brains and behavior in a digital world. Every episode dives into the latest research and insights on how digital media shapes child development from birth all the way through adolescence. And importantly, it translates that science into practical guidance for families. And they cover so many things, from neuroscience to early childhood development to social media algorithms to AI to where smartphones fit into all of our lives. Screen Deep is a podcast that decodes young brains and behavior in a digital world, bringing the latest science and research to help families improve child health and well being. Search for the Screen Deep podcast wherever you get your podcasts or go to. Childrenandscreens.org.

[A]

I want to flip this party piece on its head a little bit. I'm. You know, I know you said that you weren't too concerned about the party piece and this particular kid, but for parents who might have a kid who's sort of borderline, like, maybe they're not a party animal, but maybe they're also not able to sort of stand up for themselves in these moments. What's your advice on preparing kids for wild college parties?

[B]

Right. It's like, it's like so hard as a parent to be like, holy moly. Like, my kid is going to be several states away going to parties that I don't really want them at. Right? I mean, like, I can say this as a mother of a college kid. Like, you know, it's, it's hard. It's really hard. So I think that we actually probably have to pull back the lens here a little, which is there are some conversations you can still have, right? Like, the summer before college, there's all these things we want to say to our kid. And I do think it's worth saying, I do want to come back to how we even have those conversations, because the kid is usually not like, so walk me through everything you ever wanted to say. Right? But I do, I do think, like, if we pull the lens way back, the kind of questions I want families to be asking themselves right now, right? If you are looking at a kid who thinks they're headed to college in the fall, the kind of questions you want to ask yourself are like, does my kid really understand that they are responsible for their own safety? Like, that the end of the day, their safety is their responsibility? And if you're like, yes, my kid gets this, right? And my kid will get this at a frat party, and my kid will get this on spring break, my kid gets this, you can probably take it, take a breath and relax a little bit. But if you're like, I don't know. I mean, my kid does things that are impulsive and not well thought out and, like, luckily, nothing's gone wrong, but they don't seem to walk around with this, like, in their bones, understanding that they're responsible for themselves. That's a time where you actually, I think, want to pause. There may be conversations that do the job, but you also may have to consider the possibility that, like, college in the fall may not be a great choice for your kid.

[A]

The other piece, Lisa, that I worry about, in addition to parties, and maybe even more so than parties, is, what if your kid is struggling socially to make friends? Isn't that outgoing type who is really good at finding new social circles? And I worry that maybe they go off to college and they don't find their people. What's your advice for helping prepare the ground for that?

[B]

That's a worry, right? Parents worry about that. Like, are you going to make friends? Are you going to be lonely? I think kids worry about it, too. And then colleges will tell you this has gotten harder and weirder as kids have these really, really robust social media networks. And so the kids themselves are anxious coming in. They're anxious about making connections and friends. And so sometimes the way they handle that stay, like, lost in their phone and in close contact with the kids they went to high school with to the detriment of making meaningful connections with other people right there in front of them. So parents worry about this Kids worry about this, and actually, frankly, colleges worry about this, that kids are not connecting as they should. I think it's really helpful for young people to have something they plan to do in college besides just go to class. Like, Reena, did you do, like, journalism stuff right when you got to college? Were you already on that path?

[A]

No, I think that was more like after school, you know, internships and that sort of thing. You know, freshman year, you're trying to get down the core stuff that you need to before you get into maybe the meatier stuff that you're really interested in learning. And I think sometimes that adjustment is hard because you have a 9am class and you're not used to waking up at 9am on your own without your mom screaming down your, you know, down your bed to wake up. So, yeah, I feel like there's a lot of those adjustments, that you're finally an adult, and you've got to figure it out on your own.

[B]

It's true. Like. But, like, you know, I. I went in and I was doing. I did a lot of community service, and I was kind of playing sports and, you know, like, I had places and ways I was plugging in. Besides just showing up at class, did you do, like, clubs or activities or student life stuff?

[A]

Yeah, no, definitely. But I felt like there was a flow of people I met, and we went in and we did the same clubs, and it kind of. But I also feel, Lisa, that was like, 30 years ago, and I feel like the world has changed. And I think that there's a bit of anxiety that us parents have when you're really letting you know the one thing that really matters to you in life. Go. How do I know if my child is truly ready for the college experience? Is there a ruler of measurement, the Lisa d' Amore College test of how you know?

[B]

Well, okay, so just on the social thing for a minute, like, I think the good news is in the 30 years, I think there's more clubs than there ever were. Like, more ways for kids to plug in. So I think a kid who just goes to class and goes back to their dorm may have a hard time, but if they do anything else, they're likely to find some people. And I think both students and parents can take reassurance in that. In terms of the, like, what's my your kid is ready to go to college index. I'll tell you what it's not. Your kid has graduated from high school. Okay? High school graduation and college readiness are not the same thing, and we confuse them all. The time, and we don't want to do that. I think that there's two things I would want to see. So the first I've already mentioned, which is my kid fundamentally understands that safety is their job.

[A]

And.

[B]

And then the second, okay, colleges are so expensive. These are educational settings. I always have misgivings when I hear about a kid who's headed to college who is not at all interested in the academics or the classes. Like, they just want to go for the experience, right? Be it social or whatever. I'm like, well, now, wait a minute. That's a lot of money to not be interested in what the college is actually selling, which is an education. So what I would want to see is both, I think, first and foremost, that your kid understands their job, that safety is their job, and second, that they can derive meaning and value from what the college is offering beyond the social, beyond the, you know, moving away from home. I think that's really important. And if your kid's like, yeah, I want to go, but I don't really care about school, well, that's a very expensive choice to make, I think. I think there's other ways that their time may be better used and that they may, within a year or two, be like, actually, now I do care about school. Great. Now's a good time to go to college.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Friends, I have such a treat for you. Not long ago, I got to record a very special episode of the Ask Lisa podcast when I was out of the Common Sense Summit for Kids and Families, which was hosted by Common Sense Media out in San Francisco. My conversation was with, as I refer to her, goddess of the first degree, Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. Dr. Burke Harris is a pediatrician. She was the first Surgeon General of the state of California, and she is an international leader in protecting kids and setting them up for lives that just are full of thriving. We had a great conversation. It was very real. We talked about our own experiences as parents raising teenagers. We talked about what's involved with keeping kids safe in a very digital world. We gave guidance on what we know works well and how to handle the kind of friction that you're definitely going to run into. Catch my full conversation with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris on YouTube. Just search Common Sense Media and look for the Summit playlist. Every time we do an episode on the Ask Lisa podcast about kids who think differently, our inbox just explodes. And I think it's because it's a topic that hits home for so many families. It is wonderful, but also at times challenging to have a Kid who thinks differently. And so that is why I want you to know about a wonderful new podcast called Everyone Gets a Juice Box for parents of neurodivergent kids. This podcast gets into the unique complexities of raising kids who think differently. And it is a wonderful resource. It is validating. It's a true community of parents who face the same uncertainties and who just get it. I've been listening to Everyone Gets a Juice Box. And I so appreciate how direct they are, how warm they are, how straight up they are about the wonders of having a kid whose mind works differently and also the challenges that just come with it. To listen, search for Everyone Gets a Juice Juice Box in your podcast app, that's Everyone Gets a Juice Box.

[A]

Is there like a hard and fast rule for you when you might have to hit the pause button?

[B]

Let's talk about the pause button. Okay, so if there's a question like, my kid's not into academics at all, why are we spending all this money? Or why are they going to go into all this debt for, you know, school? Or there's a question like, I don't think my kid actually gets it, that safety is their job. I think that is very much time to hit the pause button. And what I will say is, if they're already in, most schools will very happily hold your spot for a year. Right? You can say, we're not coming this year. Yeah, you can say, I'm just going to defer for a year. Colleges would so much rather have a kid who's ready than have a kid who comes and falls apart.

[A]

I didn't know that was an option that you can just say, listen, we're going to wait a year.

[B]

Okay, Usually it is. And I think one of the things I've guided families on is sometimes even in the summer before senior year or the fall of senior year, the family's like, I don't know. This kid is. We just retrieve them from the emergency room after a party. We're not sure this is a good idea. I have seen families go through the college process with the support of their high school's college guidance office. Sometimes they're like, well, we don't want to defer all of this because this kid will graduate. And then who do we have helping us through it? So they'll go through the process, all the while saying, we're going to do this in two steps. One, you get in two, we decide when and if you're going. Right? So it can happen in the senior year of high school, even if you're not sure that that's exactly when the kid's going to go. Rena, the thing I want people to know is that it is incredibly costly for a kid to have to leave college early for a kid to get there and either have so much academic disengagement that they are falling apart academically or have so much trouble managing themselves safety wise that the school asks them to leave or it becomes clear they need to come home. Okay, here's what people need to know. You cannot apply to another college without reporting all of your previous college experience. So it's not like you start from scratch applying to new schools. Often the best bet is to try to get back into the school where you were asked to leave or had to leave. But that is often like this long probationary period, right? Like, I am not ever comfortable when a family's like, well, it looks really dicey, but let's see what happens. I'm like, that is not going to go. Like, you don't want to take this risk. Like, so much better to take a gap year than to have a kid get there and need to walk it back. Because the walking it back is not clean, it is not easy, it's expensive, and I think best avoid it if it can.

[A]

So, Lisa, what else are we or parents not thinking about? When you get to this point and you think they may or may not be ready for college, what should we keep in mind?

[B]

They're never going to be 100% ready. I think that that's the thing. I think, you know, they're just. They can't be. It's so different. I mean, short of having already been to boarding school, it is so totally different. So I don't want families being like, oh my gosh, you don't know how to do laundry. Should we panic? No, you can figure it out. You figured it out, right? I think that there's that. I think one of the things I can tell you, and I want to offer this to you as reassurance as a mom to mom, is your parenting continues right through your kid going to college. It's not like you hit this finish line when you drop them off. There's still time. So get the big stuff in place. They care about school. They can keep themselves safe. The rest, honestly, you'll work out over time or your kid will work out over time.

[A]

It's reassuring to hear. It really is. So what do you have for us, Lisa, for parenting to go

[B]

okay? I'm thinking about families in this moment and I'm Remembering this moment for myself. And so here's a little more advice from my own experience. There were all these things I was trying to talk to my daughter about as she was getting ready to leave for college. Some of it like, we need to talk about, you know, what happens in terms of carrying Narcan. Right. Lest you run into a terrible fentanyl situation. Right. So we had to have that conversation. But also, like, there's all these logistics of getting your kid out the door to college, like, just forms that have to be filled out and things that need to be, you know, thought through. And I kept trying to catch her to have these conversations. And either she was in her second semester of senior year, which is super busy and a lot going down, or she was in the summer before college trying to, like, see her friends and get out the door herself. And we kept having these really awkward. Like, I'd see her in the kitchen and be like, hey. And, you know, try to have these conversations. And she'd be like, ah. Cause she was trying to, like, leave the house. And so I finally got to it. I was like, I need some time where I know we can go through these three things. When are you free? Can we find a time? And I get it. The parents might be like, I really have to get on my kid's calendar. And actually, in my experience, it's going to go better for everybody if you recognize they've got as many things on their inner to do list as you do. And trying to coordinate as opposed to trying to just, like, intercept them is going to be better. It's going to work better.

[A]

Some of us parents just can't imagine, but it feels very emotional and sort of hard to separate. Like, I think about it and I get teary eyed about this moment. But, you know, one of the things you did tell me is there's also a great feeling that comes with knowing your child is going on to this next phase of life.

[B]

It's cool, right? I mean, this is sort of what we've been working towards so often in families, so I think there should be some celebration of it, too.

[A]

Love it. Love it. Well, thank you, Lisa, for walking us through. This is a. A big moment for so many families and for so many of us who aren't even at that moment, it helps us to navigate and to look ahead. So thank you very much and I'll see you next week.

[B]

I'll see you next week.

[A]

Thanks for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to the Ask Lisa podcast so you get the episodes just as soon as they drop and send us your questions to ask [e-mail] and now a word from our lawyers. The advice provided on this podcast does not constitute or serve as a substitute for professional psychological treatment, therapy or other types of professional advice or intervention. If you have concerns about your child's well being, consult a physician or mental health professional. If you're looking for additional resources, check out Lisa's [e-mail].