273: Best of Ask Lisa: Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Compassion

Summary

Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens Episode 273: Best of Ask Lisa — Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Compassion
Original Air Date: May 26, 2026
Hosts: Dr. Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan
Guests (selected segments): Dr. Tova Klein, Dr. Sue Varma, Dr. Tracy Baxley

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Episode Overview

This special “Best Of” compilation explores a perennial parenting question: How do we raise kids who feel genuinely good about themselves? Dr. Lisa Damour curates segments from multiple past episodes, offering a developmental roadmap of self-esteem, confidence, and self-compassion—from preschoolers to high schoolers and even parents themselves. The episode features real listener questions and practical, actionable advice about building resilience, supporting girls’ and boys’ confidence, handling perfectionism and negative self-talk, and modeling healthy self-worth.

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Key Topics & Insights

1. The Foundation of Self-Esteem

Where confidence comes from and how it develops in kids
(starts ~01:44)

• Developmental Arc: Young children (ages 1–3) naturally act as “the center of the universe.” By age 4, they become more aware of others and family standards, leading to brief confidence surges but also the start of comparisons.
  • “Four year olds can start to feel a bit more fragile in terms of self esteem because by four we do kind of challenge kids sense of being at the center of everything.” — Dr. Lisa Damour (02:41)
• In School Years: Kids' self-esteem dips around ages 5–7 as they encounter honest feedback and comparisons with peers. By 3rd and 4th grade, expectations and standards rise, providing opportunities for true pride and confidence when kids meet challenges.
• Parental Guidance: Healthy self-esteem grows when parents set fair standards, expect effort, and praise genuine achievement rather than blanket praise.

Timestamps:

• [02:41] Dr. Lisa on age-related confidence changes
• [06:20] Dr. Tova Klein’s “Five Pillars” of resilience: security, emotional balance, agency, limits with independence

Notable Quote:

• "Kids need lots of tributaries—lots of things that bring a source of pride and self-esteem." — Dr. Lisa Damour (08:12)

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2. Puberty, Gender, and Confidence Valleys

Recognizing how confidence crises differ for girls & boys and the impact of appearance or athleticism
(~13:03–21:45)

• Girls:
  • Fast, significant drop in self-confidence often hits around age 12—linked to body changes, rising achievement pressures, and harsh self-comparisons.
  • Early puberty can intensify these feelings and isn’t generally positive for girls’ self-worth.
• Boys:
  • Confidence is more stable—early puberty/athleticism boosts self-esteem particularly in sports-focused communities.
  • Boys lagging in physical development may struggle more in early high school.
  • Boys’ self-esteem can also be fragile, especially when underlying definitions of masculinity (i.e. “not losing to girls”) are challenged.
    • “Their self esteem is enormously fragile.” — Dr. Lisa Damour (17:41)
• Parental Concerns:
  • Balancing praise for daughters’ appearances without overemphasizing looks is a common dilemma (19:04–21:39).
  • The importance of praising effort, kindness, and achievements that kids control, rather than appearance.

Timestamps:

• [14:03] Dr. Lisa on confidence drops in girls
• [16:11] Dr. Lisa: “Help him get good at something that he cares about.”
• [19:04] Letter: Should I tell my daughter she’s beautiful?

Notable Quotes:

• "Find something you're good at. Find something for this kid to feel good at and get good at." — Dr. Lisa Damour (23:47)
• "For every one comment you're making on how cute you think your kid is, you're making nine on her science project." — Dr. Lisa Damour (21:38)

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3. Concrete Tools for Building Confidence

How parents can help kids own their strengths, practice social skills, and gain independence
(~23:09–30:45)

• Focus on Mastery: Self-esteem grows from achievements and personal growth, not praise alone.
• Low-Stakes Skill Practice: Social confidence develops best through small, supported challenges (like inviting a friend over).
• Gradual Independence: Teach new tasks with a stepwise approach: “doing for, doing with, standing by to admire, letting them do it alone.”
• Modeling and Feedback: Let kids try, observe, make mistakes, and recalibrate expectations as they learn.

Timestamps:

• [23:47] Dr. Lisa on “doing well” as the source of self-esteem
• [24:40] On building social confidence through small wins
• [26:30] Stepwise approach to independence

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4. Inner Worlds: Negative Self-Talk, Perfectionism & Self-Compassion

Reframing mistakes and teaching kids (and ourselves) to be kinder to themselves
(~30:45–40:21)

• Responses to Negative Self-Talk:
  • Call it out (“No one gets to talk about you that way—not even you.”)
  • Acknowledge the pain, then invite a “second reaction” or more balanced self-assessment.
• Self-Compassion Strategies (with Dr. Sue Varma):
  • Mindfully observe negative thoughts rather than “taking them home from the baggage carousel.”
  • Accept imperfections.
  • Remember common humanity—everyone messes up.
  • Self-compassion increases resilience and academic performance.
    • “Don’t invest in these negative thoughts...be aware of them and let them go.” — Dr. Sue Varma (36:06)
• Modeling Compassion:
  • Kids absorb how parents treat themselves. Responding to your own mistakes with grace sets a crucial example.
    • “Don’t talk about it, be about it.” (from a Dove chocolate wrapper) — Dr. Lisa Damour (40:21)

Timestamps:

• [31:30] Handling negative self-talk
• [35:57] Dr. Sue Varma on self-compassion framework

Memorable Metaphor:

• “Notice these negative thoughts the way you would notice airport baggage carousel… but you don’t go home with somebody else’s baggage.” — Dr. Sue Varma (36:06)

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5. Parents’ Own Self-Esteem Matters

You can’t rely on your kids to be the source of your self-worth
(~40:57–42:16)

• Diversify Sources of Self-Esteem:
  • Parents need friends, work, hobbies—other sources of connection and self-worth outside of parenting.
  • Relying solely on your teen's affection or approval isn't sustainable or healthy for either party.
• Parenting is Lonely—You’re Not Alone:
  • The struggle for connection through adolescence is universal, no matter how isolating it feels.

Notable Quotes:

• “It’s imperative that anyone who is parenting teenagers has other sources of self esteem … If you go into raising a teenager and your … feeling like a good or connected person hinges on how your kid treats you, this is not going to go well.” — Dr. Lisa Damour (40:57)

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Key Takeaways & Practical Tips

• Expect ups and downs: Self-esteem fluctuates, especially through developmental transitions and puberty.
• Focus on what kids can control: Effort, kindness, skills, contributions—over appearance or “being liked.”
• Encourage mastery through effortful activities.
• Handle negative self-talk compassionately and collaboratively: Model reshaping your own internal monologue.
• Empower with gradual responsibility: Low-stakes practice, support, and eventual independence.
• Don’t neglect your own self-esteem: Be a healthy role model and buffer for your kids.

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Quotes & Timestamps Highlights

• “Kids need lots of tributaries—lots of things that bring a source of pride and self-esteem.” — Dr. Lisa Damour [08:12]
• “Let him get good at something. Help him get good at something that he cares about.” — Dr. Lisa Damour [16:01]
• “No one gets to talk about you that way—not even you.” — Dr. Lisa Damour [31:30]
• “Notice these negative thoughts the way you would notice airport baggage carousel ... but you don’t go home with somebody else’s baggage.” — Dr. Sue Varma [36:06]
• “Don’t talk about it, be about it.” — Dr. Lisa Damour [40:21]
• “It’s imperative that anyone who is parenting teenagers has other sources of self esteem … you cannot count on teenagers for this.” — Dr. Lisa Damour [40:57]

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a practical, empathetic guide for parents committed to fostering resilience and genuine confidence in their tweens and teens. Whether you’re worried about body image, struggling to connect with a withdrawn child, or feeling the sting of adolescent distance, Dr. Lisa and Reena offer wisdom, humor, and science-backed solutions—even reminding us that taking care of our own well-being is foundational to supporting our kids.

For more, subscribe to the Ask Lisa Podcast and visit drlisadamour.com

Transcript

[Rena Neinen]

Tell me a parenting issue everyone struggles with with tweens and teens, but no one talks about Rena.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I think a lot of people feel like they just don't know how to connect to their kid anymore.

[Rena Neinen]

I'm Rena Neinen and welcome to Ask Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and teens.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

And I'm Dr. Lisa Damore. We bring you science backed strategies for managing anxiety, discipline, intense emotions and more.

[Rena Neinen]

We decode tough parenting issues with tips you can use right now. So subscribe to Ask Lisa the Psychology of Raising Tweens and Teens and join our YouTube community. Today, just Google Ask Lisa Podcast.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

We're here to help you untangle family life.

[Rena Neinen]

Episode 273 the Best of Ask Lisa Confidence, Self Esteem and Self Compassion.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Friends, I'm clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Damore. Over the course of more than 270 episodes of the Ask Lisa Podcast, there's a question that has come up again and again. How do we raise kids who feel genuinely good about themselves? Today, I've pulled together some of my favorite conversations on exactly that. A curated collection covering the developmental arc of self esteem, how it plays out differently for different tweens and teens, and concrete tools for helping them build confidence. We'll also talk about your self esteem too, because it matters more than you might think. By the end of this compilation, you'll have a clear framework for understanding what's happening with your child's confidence and a toolkit for supporting it. If you're here for science backed compassionate guidance on raising tweens and teens, make sure you subscribe to Ask Lisa so you never miss an episode. Hey there.

[Rena Neinen]

I'm Rena Neinen, co host of the Ask Lisa Podcast. Before we can talk about how to build confidence in our kids, we we need to understand what self esteem actually is, where it comes from, how it develops, and why it's so much more complex than just telling our kids they're great. In this first chapter, Dr. Lisa walks us through the developmental foundation of self esteem. And we Hear from psychologist Dr. Tova Klein about why a child's sense of worth is never built in isolation. We're pulling from episode 50, how do I Build My Kids Confidence and self esteem? Episode 192, raising resilient kids in uncertain times and episode 263, is my teen Too Focused on her Looks? Where does self confidence and self esteem come from? Especially when you're little? When you're an adult, okay, you probably have had ways to build it and see it crumble, but how do you get and instill that in a kid. Where does it come from?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Well, it's interesting because there's actually a pretty clear developmental trajectory for kids around some self confidence and self esteem. And so we can go back to earliest days. 1, 2 and 3 year olds don't really think much about it. They're the center of the universe. They know it, they feel it, they feel good about all that. Four year olds can start to feel a bit more fragile in terms of self esteem because by four we do kind of challenge kids sense of being at the center of everything. We do sort of expect them to start to be more of a member of the organization that is the family as opposed to dictating so much of family life. And, and you will see in four year olds there's almost like a compensatory, very high sense of confidence. Like they are often sort of braggadocious, you know, four year olds. Like I remember one of my daughters, like we were driving, she's like, first I'm going to win the Olympics and then I will be a pilot and after that I'm going to, you know, and it was just like this, like, you know, like wonderfully ambitious but like a little over the top. And you know, this is where sometimes it's a huge liability to be a psychologist. This was a good moment where I was like, yeah, you really like sports, you know. And I didn't feel like I had to take it down a few notches because what happens is as they hit 5, 6, 7, there starts to, there starts to be a bit of a drop off in self esteem from what is typically in development, a little bit of an over high confidence around, you know, three and four year olds. And that drop off comes for a couple of reasons. One is they do get into school and they start to compare themselves a little bit more. They start to sit next to kids who can do things they cannot yet do. And then really Rena, by third or fourth grade, so we're talking now eight or nine, we start to give kids more honest feedback that when you're in kindergarten, first and second, we're like, you're fabulous. That's a great scribble. And then by third and fourth, we're like, you know, I've seen you do better work. So part of what parents need to be prepared for is that it sort of has its own highs and lows that play out developmentally. So if you feel like, man, my kid was so super confident at four, you know, what happened at eight. Mostly it's like it's kind of a correction, you know, it's kind of a, you know, they're starting to see the world more broadly and see their place within it. But that's. Right, that's the moment then when we want to make sure they have ways to feel good that they control. Right? So that's where things like having jobs you do around the house, being expected to be decent and kind within the family, you know, having responsibilities, the expectation that we start to put on kids, that even if the work is easy or not interesting to them at school, they'll do it well, you know, so they may not feel good about the work itself, it may not be their cup of tea, but they can feel, you know, sort of take real pride in how they've done it. So I think that if we think, think about creating a foundation of self esteem, what I would want parents to know is it's a little bit up and down wobbly, no matter what you do in earlier childhood. But if you start to have standards and hold kids to standards that are fair, ask them to do things that are within their capacity, praise them when they do a really good job, hold higher standards when they don't do a very good job, again so that they can feel good about what they've done, that's where we start to lay the groundwork for good self esteem. So in your new book, Raising Resilience, you talk about five keys to resilience. What are they and why are they important?

[Dr. Tova Klein]

So I have what I call five pillars to really think about. Like what are these internalized concepts that, that we want to build in children that are built over time. It's not like one day this appears and they all also go together. They're not in an order. This is not a stepwise plan. So the first is this idea that we provide security, we anchor our children. And why is that so important? Well, first of all, it brings down their arousal level, but it also teaches them that there's somebody they can count on and trust. That becomes trust in themselves. I'm going to be okay in the world, I can move out in it. Teenagers need this as much as 2 year olds because when they go out in the world, you don't want them just to be all over the place thinking they're alone, right? So it's this security and trust. It's emotions. You guys talk about that all the time. This is what we do as psychologists. So this ability to understand emotions, learn to handle them, what we call regulate in the book, I call it the Balance principle. So it's feeling them, knowing them and handling them. But the parent is helping, particularly in the early years. But still, as children get older, we step back, we're still doing it. And then the third one is in many ways, I have to say my favorite, the freedom trail. Like, how do you help that child get that sense of agency so they really can go out in the world? Part of it is limits, but also stepping back and giving them the space. And this is always difficult for any of us as parents. That nuance of how do I let my child separate and be independent, which is what I want. And oh my gosh, I'm worried. So some reasonable limits.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

The thing I'm thinking about, Rena, is a metaphor I shared in untangled about kids and self esteem. And the metaphor I shared is the tributaries and the lake. So the way I think about self esteem, it's like a lake that needs to be filled. Like it needs stuff in it. And what we want for kids are lots and lots of tributaries. Lots of things that bring a source of pride and self esteem, right? So doing well academically, you're at least feeling good about your academics and you know, having friends and being of service and being a good teammate. Okay? It's not preventable and not necessarily terrible if part of what a person of any age takes pride in is I like the way I look and I get some feedback about it even that I am a good looking person. Like that's not the end of the world. Okay, here's where to your question about lasting damage. Here's where it can really be a problem. One is if it's the major tributary, right? If the investment in one's appearance starts to take up so much time and energy, which this letter indicates, it's sort of like bordering on that it's taking away some other tributaries because the kid's not reading, the kid's not writing. If it starts to crowd out other tributaries, that's a problem. Like kids need lots of tributaries and their looks, okay, fine, can be part of it, but it shouldn't be the whole thing. The other thing, I will say, Rena, and I don't know if you know women like this. I think it's changing as people alter themselves so much and appearance is so like dealt with so differently these days. But one of the things we've long recognized when we talk about things like narcissism is that people who are narcissistic need admiration. They need the oxygen of being admired. And one of the things I learned in my training and I have watched in real life is sometimes you'll have an extremely beautiful woman and the world is giving her all this feedback that she's so gorgeous and she develops her sense of value and worth around that and frankly it goes fine as long as she's pretty and then as she starts to age and the world doesn't give that kind of feedback, if that is her sole source of oxygen for feeling good, she's in trouble. So that's the worst case scenario. Want to prevent this down the line. But I've seen it, right? I've seen that happen where looks fade, man, they do. They all hooks. Do you know? Fiber may not be trendy, but it's definitely important and it's often one of the most overlooked parts of our health. So this is why Momentous Launched Fiber plus. This is a triple action formula that combines soluble and insoluble fiber with a prebiotic resistant starch that supports gut health and digestion. So it comes in both an unflavored and a cinnamon flavor and I use both. I use the unflavored fiber in my smoothies that have berries in them and I use the cinnamon one in my smoothies that have apples in them. And I truly love them both and have found it really easy to include it in my overall routine. Support your gut health and overall performance with Momentous Fiber plus and get up to 35% off your entire first order at livemomentous.com promo code asklisa that's livemomentous.com, promo code asklisa for up to 35% off livemomentous.com Promo code asklisa when you're launching something new, there's a lot of fear, there's a lot of hesitation. So at times like this it can be so important to have a partner. A partner like Shopify that is on your side and there to help. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all E commerce in the United States. They have household names like Heinz and Mattel and skims, but they also have a lot of brands that are just getting started. And to get those brands started, you can start with your own design studio. They have hundreds of ready to use templates and they help you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand's style. It's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial trial today at shopify.com asklisa go to shopify.com asklisa that's shopify.com asklisa

[Rena Neinen]

here's something that surprised me. The confidence crisis doesn't look the same for every kid. Tweens and teens experience different valleys of plummeting self esteem. If you don't know what to look for, it's easy to miss what's actually going on. Let's look at the sharp confidence drop girls often around age 12. The Puberty Valley that can devastate boys self esteem in middle school. And my appearance is such a complicated piece of the puzzle. We're drawing from episode 189, how do I support my unathletic son in our sports obsessed town? Episode 246 My son is becoming sexist. How do I stop this? And also episode 70, do I tell my daughter she's beautiful? How long does this last? This sort of like angst and this questioning of maybe your self confidence. Can you kind of walk us through maybe like elementary, high school, middle school, high school? Because it feels so painful.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

It is painful. It is very painful. So the self confidence question, it's actually interesting because we've done research along those lines and it's worth saying here, just if we're going to talk about confidence and trajectories over time, for girls in middle school we see a real drop off. So elementary school girls feel pretty good about themselves. But a very consistent finding is around age 12 there's a pretty precipitous slide. You know, we've got a million reasons why we think this is true. Suddenly anxious about their bodies in new ways. Suddenly anxious about achievement in new ways. Comparison comes in. I mean there's a lot going on for boys. Interestingly, confidence is more steady and it can be especially high. And you may be seeing this right now with where your son is in kids who, boys who hit puberty early, on the early side of the trajectory. Right. Who are bigger and stronger, which also confers athletic capacity often. And in sports obsessed towns that athletic stuff, you know, can go a long way towards supporting self esteem in boys. It for some boys, they ride that very comfortably all through high school. Other kids catch up physically and, and that can help them. But for boys the physical piece really is big when we look at like broad self confidence things. Okay, so now this kid is basically not playing in that space, right? He's not. And, and I've, you know, you've probably seen him. I've watched you know, guys who are like, you know, dying to hit puberty so that they can keep up athletically with their you know, 10th grade classmates, you know, and they're just behind, you know, they're not behind. They're just on the sort of other end of the bell curve of puberty. For this boy, I think it is going to be around getting closer to 14 where you can have more perspective on things and getting good at something.

[Rena Neinen]

Anything.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's really like, let him get good at something. Help him get good at something that he cares about. Wow.

[Rena Neinen]

It's really hard when it's like so sports focused and you see your kids self confidence kind of go down the drain. And, and even, I have to say, even for boys who play sports, I find middle school years are so hard because some boys just fully develop and they're there and other boys aren't even registering on the puberty meter, you know, so like even if you are playing a sport, if you're a little guy or you haven't fully started hitting that, it's. It's really hard to see them go through that.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah, it's painful. It doesn't last forever, but it's hard.

[Rena Neinen]

Can moms of boys do something to make sure their boys are not sexist or do not become sexist?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Well, okay, so one is, I mean, keep the conversation going. She's saying like, listen, these girls probably worked for it and she's trying to understand. I think part of it is that we have to find ways to help boys maintain self esteem through this. Right. This is their whole day. This isn't just something they're dipping in and out of. It's class and then it's recess and then it's back to class. And a lot of these guys are trying to consolidate some sense of masculinity. And for a lot of them, and I mentioned this, in the emotional lives of teenagers, the definition of that is not getting beat by a girl. Right. And all they're doing is getting beat by girls. Right. So like their self esteem is enormously fragile. Okay.

[Rena Neinen]

So that's great to know. That's like a news flash for so many people that at this point their self esteem is fragile.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Can be very fragile. And it's interesting, Rena, another thing we've always seen in the data is that for girls to hit puberty early is actually not on balance all that good for them. That they get these very adult women bodies when they're sometimes even 10 or 11, which is so hard on a kid. For boys to hit puberty early has always been associated with good outcomes. They're bigger, stronger, faster. They have Neurological advantage. So we know that this is hard on kids if they are right in the middle or even late puberty. I mean, you've got a son, you see the range of where the kids are. Some are shaving, some look like fourth graders. I mean, they're all classmates. It's like such a strange configuration at this point. 8th, 9th grade for boys is like, they're all over the map. There's a couple other solutions that people have out there that I want to think through. So first and foremost, like, this kid has to have ways to feel good about himself and so do all of his friends. Right? Like they need to have their own scout group or they need to have their own like hobbies, or they need to have their own, you know, fill in the blank.

[Rena Neinen]

Find something that you're passionate about.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yes. You know, they can take pride in service projects. Like, you can't mess those up. Like, I mean, like, there's just so much value in those things. And especially at this moment for boys.

[Rena Neinen]

Dear Lisa and Rena, if I tell my daughter she looks beautiful, I feel like I'm feeding into the focus of appearance. If I don't tell my daughter she's beautiful, I feel like I'm not building up her self confidence. Please help. Isn't this such a great letter?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

It's such a great letter and honestly, it's so accurate to the tension of having a girl. And I really struggle with this. And I was struggling with this while I was writing under pressure because part of me feels like I don't want for one more drop of ink to be spilled or one more word to be said about girls appearance. Like I am so over it talking about girls appearance. The world is obsessed with girls appearance. Every time, you know, I just like, I'm so over it. And then one of my daughters will walk in the kitchen, I'll be like, oh my gosh, you look adorable.

[Rena Neinen]

Do you do this too? Oh, absolutely.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Can't even help it.

[Rena Neinen]

That is like a laughter that I totally identify with exactly what you're saying. But you know what I love about this dad's letter is what do you do as a parent? Not saying they look beautiful or good also has an impact on their self esteem. Right?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

It does. And it's so complicated right now. I mean, this is one of those things where I kind of like turn and twist and turn and twist within it. Because on the one hand you kind of can't help yourself or I can't help myself from being like, oh, you look so cute. You're so darling. And it feels unstoppable in a way, like. Or I don't want to stop it. And on the other hand, especially those of us raising daughters, the last thing we want to reinforce is the idea that their outward appearance is where their value lies.

[Rena Neinen]

But I'm so torn by this. Like, should you not ever comment then on their appearance? How do you deal with that?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I just, I have to say, like, of course you, you have to comment sometimes on how adorable they are and how beautiful you think they are. Right? I think that, that I have no problem with that. Where I think this can go off the rails. I think there's a few ways. One is if that becomes a heavy emphasis, right? If there's a lot of time and energy spent talking and thinking about a daughter's appearance. And that's, you know, the letter, the line he quoted in the letter from under pressure is like, yeah, we're gonna end up talking about our kids appearance, especially probably our daughter's appearance, but we gotta balance it with talking about everything else. So I think, you know, finding a balance where maybe for every one comment you're making on how cute you think your kid is, you're making nine on her science project.

[Rena Neinen]

Got it.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

That's one way to do it.

[Rena Neinen]

So what can parents do to build confidence in girls?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

The key, I think, is to focus on what they control. And they control things like how they treat other people, the activities they do, how much practice they put into things. School, especially if school is something, you know, that's a source of pleasure or fits well with that girl's skill set. And to repeatedly frame it in terms of, you know, people's appearance, it's kind of. They kind of got handed that, and they don't really have much say about it. And also, you can't change it that much. I think part of what's really hard is our kids live in a digital world that suggests that the body is kind of infinitely mutable. Like you can lose weight, you can trim your thighs, you can, you know, have makeup that makes you look like a totally different person. And I think that that can play to this idea that their outward appearance is something they have a lot of control over and could change if they wanted to. So one of the ways to help kids build confidence is just to say, yeah, you know, I mean, the way we look, it's kind of the hand we're dealt, but it's a very small part of that hand. Like who we are is really where the action is. And that may not feel true right now, but I promise you it'll feel true before long.

[Rena Neinen]

So now that we know what we're dealing with, the question is, what do we actually do? So let's get practical. Dr. Lisa and her guests share useful, concrete guidance on finding the one thing your kid can genuinely call their own. Building social confidence through low stakes practice. And also using everyday moments of responsibility and independence as powerful confidence builders. We're featuring episode 189, how do I support my unathletic son in our sports obsessed town. Episode 137, how do I parent a teen with a chronic health condition. And episode 222, the Summer of building Independence.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

When I think about things that were said to me when I was in training that have really, really stayed with me, probably one of the most powerful comments that ever came to me was from a supervisor I just adored. We were talking about a case I had where the person was, it was an adult who was struggling in a lot of ways and also not doing things she was supposed to be doing. And he said, you know, people feel good about themselves for the things they do well. And when we get to any question of self esteem, that always is the first thing that comes back to my mind. Right, so find something you're good at. Find something for this kid to feel good at and get good at. And that's hard to get good at. Like that takes effort, right? Chess clubs. I mean, something people feel good about themselves for the things they do well. Help this boy find something that he does well.

[Rena Neinen]

Lisa, what do you do if obviously, as you mentioned, they don't want to go to the social groups and they don't have that friend because it can be so isolating often, right. That you, you, you, you climb up into a shell. How do, how does a parent respond then?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Well, and especially like clam up into a shell does sound a little bit like this letter. What she's saying is this child has very low social confidence, you know, is very anxious. Now these are my words about how things are going to go socially. So the rule here, Reena, is the only way to get past an anxiety, the only way to build confidence is by doing the thing, is by doing the thing. Like the more you wait or daydream about how it can go wrong, the more anxious you become. So what I would say in terms of the low social confidence or a kid who's like feeling very reluctant to put themselves out there is can the parents create very low stakes, high chance of success conditions for her to actually start to Wade into being a bit more of a social person and then see if you can't say, like, why don't you invite that one kid over like a kid who you know is going to be, you know, likely to be a fun guest and a wonderful kid and just treat it all as practice, right? That social skills are like any skills, you develop them through practice. And so she may need to practice her social skills. So you want to set her up for success. There's something I learned when I was in my training about toddlers and handing things over to them that actually applies at all ages. And it's like a stage wide process by which you hand things over. So it's not like you say to a kid, okay, you're now in charge of this and you walk away because that may fail, right? They may not really know the steps. But Serena, when I was 29, we moved to Cleveland and I was doing some training with this very, very esteemed psychoanalyst named Erna Furman, who, um, and she, her area was little children, toddlers. And what I learned from her is when you're handing a task over to a kid, there's actually steps, there's doing for, doing with, standing by to admire and then letting them do it on their own, like independent from you. So doing for and then doing with, so making time, carving out the time. Whether it's doing with teaching a kid how to make dinner, doing with getting on the public bus with your kid before they have to do it alone and you take the ride together. Of course this really requires time. It could be doing with like let's do a round of laundry, doing with let's load the dishwasher together and I'll show you how I like it done, right? Okay. So there's first doing for, then there's doing with, then they're standing by to admire where you just like stand back and let em do it. They load the dishwasher, you cheer them on. They, you know, make dinner, you cheer them on. And then there's the point where you say like, oh, you know what, we need you to make dinner Wednesday night. We aren't getting home till seven. So whatever you put on the table, we're gonna eat, right? So it moves towards independence. So to your question of like, how do you know if it's too much? 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[Rena Neinen]

Everything we covered so far has been about the world around our kids, the activities, the opportunities, the responsibilities we create for them. But there's another side to this, and it might be the most important one. What happens inside their heads. In this chapter, we'll look at negative self talk, perfectionism and self compassion, and what parents can do both directly and through modeling to help kids develop a gentler, more resilient relationship with themselves. We're drawing from episode 135, how do I combat my kids perfectionism? Episode 158, practical optimism with Dr. Sue Varma, and episode 143, how do I raise a compassionate child with Dr. Tracy Baxley.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So when kids are engaged in negative self talk, like I'm so lousy, I'm so terrible, I hate myself. I want to give a few different tactics because different families are going to need different things for different kids on different days. So one thing you could do is you could actually just be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I love you. And no one gets to talk about you that way, not even you. So basically be like, you're not allowed to talk that way about yourself because I won't let anyone talk that way about you, yourself included. So just basically be like, stop, stop. Another thing you can do is to say, I get it. That is your first reaction when you make a mistake. I don't love it as your first reaction. I hate that you feel that way. But I'm going to hang here for a second. Let's see if you can have a second reaction. So to create space for them to be like, okay, yeah, so my first thought is I'm terrible. But my second thought is actually that was a really hard project or whatever. So to let's make room for the kid to get themselves there on their own.

[Rena Neinen]

So walk me through this. If my kid is having negative self talk, you acknowledge it is what you're saying, but then you give them the space to have a second opinion. So how do you, how do you foster that to happen?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So I think you could say like, all right, I hear you, I hear you. That you're upset with yourself about what you feel to be a mistake, right? And you can even use that language of like what you feel to be a mistake. Like you're already inserting Space between their perception and what you think the reality may be. And then you can say, and I get that that may be your first reaction to think that. But I actually think you may also soon have a second reaction. You may be able to see this situation in a different way. So I'm going to wait for that second reaction. So you're just creating it.

[Rena Neinen]

And do you offer other things to get them to rethink? Like, oh, look at this and look at this and look at this. So then you can have this second once over about the situation?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

You totally could. Right? You could. If they're like. If they look at you like, what are you talking about? You could say, like, you know, there's a lot of ways to see what just happened. Right. You could see it this way, this way, this way, this way. Those are the various reactions I have to it. But I'm also wondering if you might have a reaction yourself. And I think one of the things I've learned as a psychologist is there's more value in having people say the words themselves as opposed to having us say them to it. Say the words to them. So if you can kind of lead the child, the kid to the water of saying, well, actually, you know, I don't know that any. Anybody understood the assignment. It's better for them to say it than for us to say it.

[Rena Neinen]

So because they process it, then, you know, they've internalized it.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

It's somehow. Yeah. It's organic to them.

[Rena Neinen]

Yeah.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Okay, here's another option for when kids are engaged in negative self talk, which is to say, you and I both know that's not true. Right. So just put that stake in the ground. But I bet it's awful to even think that. To actually empathize with how painful it must be to have that thought about oneself is again, like, you're not endorsing it, but you're getting to a tender place of offering compassion. That that's even where their mind goes.

[Rena Neinen]

And then they feel you're sympathizing with them. So you must get where they're possibly at at this point.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah. And you must get how bad it feels to even think that thought. But I think it's really important to say, like, you and I both know that's not true. But it must be awful to feel that way. And what we're going there for there, Reena, is an interesting, like, universe of, like, self compassion. Right? Self compassion. And what we want, and we want this in all ways for our kids is for them to actually be able to take a tender stance toward themselves. And it's interesting around negative self talk because what we're actually asking for is a split. Like there's a part of you that talks to yourself in that really nasty way and there's another part of you that could be like, oh, oh my gosh. Like this is really painful to even have these thoughts or feelings, even if they're mine. One of the things that comes up in your book is struggling with personal compassion and using negative self talk, running oneself down. So when it comes to negative self talk, which, you know, I think many of us can be prone to at times, like, how do we flip this script on this? How do we move into a place of being gentler with ourselves and more accepting?

[Dr. Sue Varma]

Yes. You know, when we talk about self compassion, I'm also very much admirer of the work of Dr. Krista Neff and she talks about these.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

The.

[Dr. Sue Varma]

The ideas of three common threads is one is a mindful observation of what you're experiencing. So I always say to my patients, notice these negative thoughts the way you would notice airport baggage carousel. You see it go by, you may have comments and judgment about it, but you don't go home with somebody else's baggage.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Love that. Okay, I am stealing that. That is. That is the best description ever. I have heard of letting things go by. That is apt and funny at the same time. Okay, keep going, keep going.

[Dr. Sue Varma]

Thank you. So, so don't invest in these negative thoughts. Be aware of them and let them go. The second part is the acceptance of it of, okay, I have this, okay, this happened to me, or okay, I messed up, I did this, I screwed up, okay. And then the common humanity piece, which I love so much because it says, am I the only person who has ever screwed up in the world? I am not alone in this. We all do this. This is what bonds us. I'm not the first person and I think for me what's really helpful is hearing about other people's difficulties. And they're like, you know, Sue, I struggled with the same thing. Do you know I went through this. Why do you beat yourself up over this? And all of these three things then gives you a path forward. After you accept, after you observe and mindfully notice, and after you recognize that you're not alone, it then allows you to move forward. And what I love and I talk about in the book is the beauty and the science behind the self compassion. That when students take tests, they took a math test, they failed it when they did self compassion exercises and asked themselves These three questions, are you alone in this? Can you observe it? Can you accept it? They actually came back and beat the kids that didn't and scored higher than those who failed, but then did not do the self compassion exercises. When parents who are struggling with children and are beating themselves up because they feel helpless and hopeless do self compassion exercises, they are more effective with their children.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

What does raising a compassionate kid in the world today look like to you? Well, I think first of all, it starts with examples, right, of how we're living our own lives. And I think one of the things that is the most important to me as a mom, and I think it's also one of my greatest challenges, is the idea of self compassion. So I think our children seeing us show compassion to ourselves, showing forgiveness to ourselves, I think when it starts in ourselves and it's easier to see how it can expand out into the world. So I think the way that we model the way that we talk in our own homes, the way that we self talk really teaches our children how to treat themselves. I think the idea of teaching our children self compassion at home and modeling that really teaches them how to expand that out into the world. Watch how you talk about yourself. If when you make a mistake, it becomes a parade of, you know, running yourself down or self flagellation, that's not good for you and it's also not good for your kid to watch. We can work against perfectionism, but we can also just help kids with overall self esteem. If when we make errors, which we do, which I as a mother do on an hourly basis, I would say if we say, you know what, you're right, I made a mistake, I'm thinking it through, I try to avoid it going forward. But we do it in a way where we're not shattered, where we make it clear. Like I can absolutely look in a clear eyed way at my own shortcomings and still maintain a sense that I'm a valuable and worthy person. If we can model that by how we live, and especially if you have teenagers, you'll have a lot of opportunities because they will constantly point out your shortcomings and you can then really show like, mistakes get made. We're all human, we're all here to try to be better. But making a mistake does not mean I'm a worthless person and it doesn't mean you're a worthless person. So again, my favorite quote in all of parenting comes from the inside of a dove chocolate wrapper. Don't talk about it, be about it. So you can be about it here.

[Rena Neinen]

I love it. Oh, this is so good. And we will make mistakes millions and billions of times over the course of our lifetime. So it's an important lesson to learn. We've spent this whole compilation talking about our kids, but we want to end somewhere a little unexpected with you. Because it turns out that one of the most important things that you can do for your child's confidence is to take care of your own. We'll close with this moment from episode 161. How do I get my teens to want to spend time with me?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

It's imperative that anyone who is parenting teenagers has other sources of self esteem and other people to talk to. If you go into raising a teenager and your sense of feeling like a good or connected person hinges on how your kid treats you, this is not going to go well.

[Rena Neinen]

Probably right.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

You really need right. So like, I have my work, I love my work. I have my colleagues, I love my colleagues, I have, um, you know, people have their friends, people have their work or volunteer or religious pursuits, whatever you got. But my number one piece of advice on this one is by the time you have a teenager, you're going to need other aspects of your life that help you, help you to feel good and connected. Because you cannot count on teenagers for

[Rena Neinen]

this things to mull on that when the pain is so heavy. I feel, I felt that in this mom's letter because I think about it all the time. Even though we're not feeling fully in that stage, but you see them peeling away and the looks they give you of what you can and can't say sometimes now.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah, it's painful and it's lonely. It's a lonely, painful. And it's important to talk about that. And I think it's important for people to know that it's not just their house, that this is what happens in other homes. Even if it feels strange and unexpected in yours.

[Rena Neinen]

Yeah, it's the thing. It's like parenting can feel so lonely and you don't realize other people are experiencing the same thing. Just not vocalizing it in the way you feel the pain.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Thank you so much for spending this time with us. Raising kids who feel genuinely good about themselves is one of the most important things we can do as parents. I hope something you heard today gave you a new way of seeing your child or a new tool to reach out the next time that things feel hard. If this compilation was helpful, please subscribe to Ask Lisa. So you never miss what's coming next. And if you have a question you'd like us to tackle, you can always send it to asklisadorlisadamore.com here's to you, to yours, and to untangling family life.

[Rena Neinen]

Thanks for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to the Ask Lisa podcast so you get the episodes just as soon as they drop. And send us your questions to ask [e-mail] and now a word from our lawyers. The advice provided on this podcast does not constitute or serve as a substitute for professional psychological treatment, therapy or other types of professional advice or intervention. If you have concerns about your child's well being, consult a physician or mental health professional. If you're looking for additional resources, check out Lisa's [e-mail].