51: I Hate Nagging My Kids. What Else Works?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Ask Lisa – The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens

Episode 51: "I Hate Nagging My Kids. What Else Works?"

Hosts: Dr. Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan
Release Date: October 12, 2021

---

Episode Overview

This episode tackles a universal parenting frustration: the feeling of constantly nagging kids—especially tweens and teens—to do basic tasks like cleaning up, making beds, or brushing teeth. Dr. Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan dissect the psychology behind nagging, explore why it isn’t effective, and offer science-backed, practical strategies to foster greater responsibility and independence in kids without resorting to constant reminders. The episode also explores the line between parental expectations and natural consequences, offering actionable advice for reducing stress—and nagging—at home.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Do We Nag?

• Nagging Is Unpleasant for Both Sides:
  • Dr. Lisa acknowledges how parenting tasks can devolve into frustrating cycles of reminders, a pattern disliked by both kids and parents.
• Reframing Reminders:
  • Dr. Lisa shares a humorous personal anecdote about reframing nagging as “helpful reminders,” but admits it’s just a new name for the same dynamic (02:21).

2. Understanding the Problem

• The Real Issue:
  • “If we frame this as, ‘How do we get kids to remember to do the things they’re supposed to do?’ that I think starts to breathe a little life into this.”
    — Dr. Lisa Damour (03:00)
• Responsibility Transfer:
  • The current system positions parents as the perpetual “reminder,” making both parties resentful.

3. Practical Strategies to Move Beyond Nagging

A. Make Expectations Visible & Concrete

• The Syllabus Model:
  • Drawing on her experience as a college educator, Dr. Lisa recommends creating a visible, written list of expectations—akin to a syllabus (03:12).
• Lists and Charts for All Ages:
  • For young children, sticker charts or simple lists posted somewhere visible. For older kids, collaborative list-making (04:50).
  • “Is there a list they could make? Like, have them write down everything.”
    — Reena Ninan (06:40)

B. Establish Clear Routines and Rules

• Enforceable Deadlines:
  • Tie tasks to concrete timeframes (e.g., “Everything must be done by 7:25 a.m.”).
• Third-Party Accountability:
  • Shift prompts from direct orders (“Brush your teeth now”) to reference to the list (“Where are you on your list?”; 07:21–08:30).

C. Gradually Back Out Parental Involvement

• Scaling Down Parental Oversight:
  • Gradually move from hands-on reminders to letting kids manage their own lists and routines.
• Meta-Communication:
  • “I would much prefer you just got going. So that kind of a meta experience—let’s talk about what’s happening here as opposed to [me] just starting in on you.”
    — Dr. Lisa Damour (09:49)

D. Natural Consequences as Motivators

• Let Reality Teach:
  • Allow kids to experience the consequences of forgotten tasks (lost coats, missed homework), as these lessons can provoke lasting change (17:04–18:13).
  • Anecdote: Dr. Lisa praises a friend who didn’t replace a lost coat, letting her child experience the discomfort and ultimately learn responsibility.

E. Distinguish Between “Avoiding Pain” and “Promoting Independence”

• Habitual Nagging as Pain-Prevention:
  • Recognize when nagging is more about avoiding the parent’s own inconvenience or discomfort rather than truly fostering independence (18:13–19:54).

F. Accept Imperfection and Individual Differences

• Tidy vs. Messy:
  • Dr. Lisa shares the story of a chronically messy but productive colleague to remind parents that some people function well in chaos (14:18).
• Room Boundaries:
  • Suggests compromise: allow kids some control over their own space, but set expectations for common areas (13:48–14:18).

4. Developmental Considerations

• Can Kids Handle It?
  • “Kids can do a huge amount...I don’t think it’s that you’re asking too much. What’s really hard is it takes time for kids to adapt to expectations and incorporate new routines, and we become impatient.”
    — Dr. Lisa Damour (11:09)

5. Recap & Takeaway Strategies

• Three Key Steps:
  1. Clarify if the issue is about essential daily routines or avoiding discomfort.
  2. Use lists or external reminders: “Make it a third-party.”
  3. Let natural consequences play out, especially when appropriate. (22:06–23:00)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the eternal sticker chart struggle:

  “There was no point in parenting where I had the attention or investment to actually keep track of...something at that level of detail.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (03:41)

• On letting kids face natural consequences:

  “Bravo. I gotta let you feel this—even though it makes more work for you and more work for me.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (18:13)

• On shifting responsibility:

  “You and I both know you have 10 minutes. And again, what you’re trying to do is back out of the role as the one who holds the responsibility for all of this.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (08:08)

• On the gem parental phrase:

  “That phrasing ‘You and I both know’...is one of the best phrasings in all of parenting...it puts the right kind of pressure on kids, which is to basically be motivated by what they themselves know needs to happen.”
  — Dr. Lisa Damour (23:48)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:58–02:21: Introduction to nagging and the listener question
• 03:00–03:41: Dr. Lisa reframes the “nagging” issue
• 04:50–06:40: The list/“syllabus” model for morning routines
• 07:11–08:30: Applying checklists and shifting accountability
• 09:48–10:51: Using meta-communication to move beyond nagging
• 11:09–11:54: Are expectations developmentally appropriate?
• 13:48–14:18: Room vs. rest of house — boundaries and parental expectations
• 17:04–18:13: Story of letting natural consequences teach responsibility
• 19:54–21:55: How nagging about homework prevents kids from experiencing consequences
• 22:06–23:00: Dr. Lisa’s recap of the three key strategies
• 23:48–24:27: “You and I both know”—the power of phrasing in parenting

---

Tone & Style

• The conversation is candid, relatable, and peppered with humor, self-deprecation, and empathy for parental struggles.
• Dr. Lisa and Reena balance practical advice with acknowledgment of real-world messiness and limitations.

---

Parenting To Go (Quick Takeaway)

• Phrasing Tip:
  • Use “You and I both know…” to root responsibility with your child and gently nudge them toward action without outright nagging (23:48).

---

Final Reflection

Dr. Lisa and Reena remind listeners that nagging rarely yields lasting change. Instead, clear routines, visible expectations, and healthy letting-go—so kids can learn from reality—are far more effective, and ultimately less exhausting, paths to cultivating responsible and independent young adults.

---

Next Week’s Episode: Edibles—what parents need to know.

Transcript

[Rena Nainan]

This is Ask Lisa, a podcast to help people understand the psychology of parenting. Now, in the midst of a pandemic, psychologist Dr. Lisa Damore, author of two New York Times best selling parenting books, takes your questions. And I'm co host Rena Nainan, a journalist and mom of two. Some of what we talk about comes from raising children ourselves. Most of the time, I'll be getting answers to your parenting questions. So send your questions to ask [e-mail] Episode 51 I hate nagging my kids. What else works? Oh, my gosh. I. Their clothes are everywhere. We're supposed to tape this podcast. There's dishes all over from breakfast. Like I told my kids, I'm not Alice Brady. You guys gotta learn what to do here.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Wait, Alice, she was the maid. She wasn't a Brady, right?

[Rena Nainan]

Oh, you're right. Actually, yeah, I called her Brady because she felt like part of the family.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Seriously.

[Rena Nainan]

So they giggled at each other and they said, who's Alice Brady?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah, exactly.

[Rena Nainan]

They've never watched the Brady Bunch. Oh, my gosh, Lisa, I have been asking you for weeks, how do I get my kids to do these things that I hate? Nagging. I hate that part of myself. And I realized I'm not alone. We got this letter says, hello, Lisa. I've been really enjoying the wide variety of topics on your podcast and have a question for you. Although it seems like it should be such a simple task for my kids who are 13 and 15, I'm finding it particularly hard to get them to pick up their clothes off the floor, make their bed, get their bathrooms picked up, brush their teeth in the morning. Oh my gosh. Yes, I understand that. I hate being a nagging mom, always having to remind them to do these simple tasks, but I find that if I don't, it's. It doesn't get done. Should I let it go? Not worry about it? Should there be a consequence if it's not done? The constant mess around the house is a lot to manage, and I'd love to hear your suggestions on how to handle it without having to be on top of them all the time. Oh, my God. A thousand amens to this. A thousand. Like, thank you for this letter, this beautiful letter that I've been struggling with as well. Lisa, what else works besides nagging?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Well, this doesn't work, but I just have to mention it. So I went through a period in my family where I was like, no, no, I don't nag. I give helpful reminders. So I would say to my family Would you like a helpful reminder? I have a helpful reminder for you. So they don't think I'm funny, but I think I'm funny. Okay. This is. Right. Like, this is parenting. Parenting can feel like nagging, and it's not that fun. Okay, so let's unpack it a little bit. Like, okay, Rena, why do you nag? When you nag, why do you nag?

[Rena Nainan]

Because I've told you a thousand times to do this, and it's driving me up the wall that you haven't done it. This is now the 20th time I've told you.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Okay, so you nag because you want it done.

[Rena Nainan]

Yeah.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

You want the thing done. And there are things that have to get done, and our kids seem to not remember that they need to get done. So if we frame this as how do we get kids to remember to do the things they're supposed to do? That I think starts to breathe a little life into this. Right? Because right now, the option that you're exercising and this mom is exercising is they remember to do the things they're supposed to do because I remind them to do the things they're supposed to do. And we hate this, and they hate this, and so we want to get out of this role. So part of how I think about this probably comes from the amount of time I spent teaching college. And, you know, we give out syllabi at the start of the semester, which are basically like, these are all the things you're supposed to do. Like, I will not be mentioning it again. Like, you have it in writing. And so there's something to be said for putting in writing what it is the kids are supposed to do. And you can do this really young. Some families do sticker charts. Right. Of all of the tasks that a kiddo has, and then they give them stickers for doing all of those things. And then, you know, a certain number of stickers amounts to, you know, a trip to Target with five bucks in your pocket. You know, something like, there's some reward. I have to tell you, Reena, I cannot manage a sticker chart. There was no point in parenting where I had the attention or organization or investment to actually, like, keep track of. Of something at that level of detail. So congratulations and awesome for the families who can do this. I just don't personally that, for me, has never worked, or the kids move

[Rena Nainan]

out quickly from the sticker chart phase.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah. It just doesn't last forever.

[Rena Nainan]

Yeah.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

But what can work even when you are, like, developmentally in a sticker chart phase? And I think this actually lays some pretty good groundwork, is a list of the things that need to happen. And I started doing this actually with both of my daughters when they were young, when, you know, because it's the morning. Like, a lot of what you're describing, like, it's the morning, it's getting out of the house. And so for both girls, I had them sit with me, and this was when they were like, four, five, six, and make a one sheet that had all of the tasks of the morning in the rough order in which they occurred. And, you know, and you put easy stuff on there, like get up, use the potty, you know, stuff that they can kind of like, you know, easy wins. And so then one thing, and this is really thinking in that syllabus model, like, what helps them to remember besides me reminding them, is then also on that sheet are things like eat breakfast, make your bed, brush your teeth, put on your clothes, whatever. And my rule always was, you can't do anything else until these things are done. Like, if you want to watch a little TV before school or whatever, you have to first do these things. And so then when I had a kid dawdling around in front of me, I'd say, are you done with your list? And so then it was their job to go check the list and their job to do the things on the list. But I wasn't the one saying, now you brush your teeth, now you put your shoes on. You know that. I was like, are you done with your list? If you're done with your list, then you can go do other stuff. If you're not done with your other list, you need to go do your list. So that's for little kids. What? I wonder. I know this sounds juvenile, but I actually wonder if there's some older version of this, especially for kids who aren't doing it. Yeah, right. So if we think about your mourning and your kids are not little kids anymore, is there a list you could make that would get you out of this role?

[Rena Nainan]

Is there a list they could make? Like, have them write down everything.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah. And post it somewhere where they can see it.

[Rena Nainan]

I see. And this is.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Would that work?

[Rena Nainan]

That's interesting. I find they might finally you get them to make the list. And what if they just don't adhere to doing it? Like, how do you incentivize or motivate them to, like, want to do this on their own?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So let's. Let's picture your morning list. Like, if you were to write the list or have write them within, like, just pick one of your kids. Like, what would be on the list?

[Rena Nainan]

Hygiene. Right. Like, going to the bathroom, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, making your bed, getting breakfast, and then putting those dishes away. Right.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So you make that list. Yep. And you post it, like, on your fridge. Like, this is your morning list. These are all the things you need to do in the morning before you can, you know, before you leave the house or before you can watch TV before school, you know, if that's something your family wants to do. And let's say they're not making progress on the list. You know, they're not doing it. And you say, hey, I'm looking at my clock. You know, you got 10 minutes till we're out the door. Where are you on your list? I think for a lot of kids, that will help, you know, just that kind of prompting of, like, where are you on your list? Right. You're already getting some distance from this. You're already getting yourself out of the role of, like, I am your reminder. You basically sit there, and then I will tell you the next thing to do. Right. We don't want to be in that spot. And so then let's say your kid's like, meh, I'm not very far on my list.

[Rena Nainan]

Right.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Or I'm like, I'm indifferent to my list. So then I think you can start to say, well, you and I both know you need to get that list done. And you and I both know you have 10 minutes. And again, what you're trying to do is back out of the role as the one who holds the responsibility for all of this.

[Rena Nainan]

But I still have to nag them to stay on task with the list.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So what happens when you finally do get mad? Does that get them going?

[Rena Nainan]

Raise my voice. They know I'm irritable. A very, very high nagging phase at that point. And nobody wins. They're still dragging their feet about it. And we all start our day off in a horrible way, okay?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So, okay, so let's just keep going back and replaying this and seeing if we can get it to where we want it to be. So first, you guys make the list posted on the fridge, right? So now remembering what has to happen in the morning is not your job, only, like, it exists where everyone can see it.

[Rena Nainan]

Okay?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Then you say to them, all right, this all has to get done. I mean, in our house, it has to get done by 7:25 in the morning, right? To actually make the day work. So you're like, okay, this has to be done. By 7:25, then you start to watch the clock. It's 7:15. They still have three items on the list. So then you might say, I don't know if you're watching the clock, but you've got several items on the list and you've got 10 minutes left. That may do it. I would give that a chance to work. But let's say they're like, yeah, yeah, I'm still finishing up this thing. I'll get to it. Right. So then you have another half step here, which is you can say, you know what? You know me. I'm gonna start to get really frustrated with you.

[Rena Nainan]

A warning.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah. If you don't get going, this isn't gonna go well. And then I'm gonna be all cranky and you're gonna get all nagged and we're gonna have a really rough goodbye as you head off to school. I don't want it to go down that way. I would much prefer you just got going. So that kind of a meta experience, like, let's talk about what's happening here as opposed to, I'm just gonna start in on you. And if that doesn't work right, Like, I really, I get it. Like, this may not work. Then you can be like, all right, now I'm mad, I'm mad and this is really frustrating and you gotta get going. And then we are gonna talk tonight about how not to have this happen tomorrow.

[Rena Nainan]

Okay. Oh, interesting. So then you set up a time to say, this didn't go down, you've got to get to school, but we're going to talk about this today and reevaluate.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah. Because this feels miserable for you. It feels miserable for me. You know what needs to be done. You know when it needs to be done by. You can tell the time. This is not how I want us to start our days. I think that that's the way to go at it.

[Rena Nainan]

Sometimes I wonder, developmentally, my kids are in elementary school. Like, am I asking them to do too much? Like, when do you know? Developmentally this is too much for them. I've got to hold their hand. And at what point, like, okay, they've reach this age, they've got this now. This is just laziness. They need to, like, be able to be structured and get on with it.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I doubt you're asking them to do too much. Kids can do a huge amount, right? I mean, you're not actually asking them to, like, cook a three course meal for breakfast and then clean it up. I mean, like, we're basically like get your cereal, get something green or fruity. And you know, I mean, I don't think it's that you're asking them to do too much. I think what's really hard is it takes time for kids to adapt to the expectations and incorporate the new routines and we become impatient.

[Rena Nainan]

Yes.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

And so then we just start nagging out of our own impatience as opposed to slowing it down, creating systems and structures and then continually reorienting them to the systems and structures that turn it into their job, not ours.

[Rena Nainan]

We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back on the Ask Lisa Podcast what do you do when

[Hunter Clark Fields]

your toddler melts down or your teen shuts down? I want to introduce you to the Mindful Mama Podcast. I'm Hunter Clark Fields, author of Raising Good Humans and your host for the past 10 years. I used to be a yelling, overwhelmed mom until I found mindfulness and practical parenting tools that changed everything. Each week I bring you honest conversations and expert advice to help you regulate your emotions, manage your kids behavior with compassion, and break the cycle of reactive parenting. Whether you're raising toddlers or teens, you'll find real strategies for conscious parenting, screen time, ADHD, and more. Listen to the Mindful Mama Podcast wherever you get your podcasts because you can raise kind, confident kids without losing your cool.

[Rena Nainan]

Raising tweens and teens comes with a lot of questions and Lisa and I are here to help you find answers.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

That's right. And if you like the Ask Lisa podcast, you'll love free weekly newsletter that delivers seasoned parenting guidance right to your inbox.

[Rena Nainan]

Every newsletter pivots off of a recent podcast episode to highlight key points in raising tweens and teens. This incredibly popular newsletter is a quick, easy read full of practical parenting guidance.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

So go to my website drlisadamore.com to sign up today.

[Rena Nainan]

Lisa's weekly newsletter is one more way that we're here to help you unto untangle family life. Welcome back to the Ask Lisa Podcast. So Lisa, do you think there should be different rules for a kid's room versus the rest of the house? Because let me tell you, the clutter around the house now, especially where many of us are all still working from home, drives me nuts. After all of them are out the door in the morning, it's me and the dog and all of the debris.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I am open to that idea. What do you think? That there's the stuff you can see and the stuff that they might be able to close their own bedroom door on. What do you Think about that idea.

[Rena Nainan]

I just feel. I feel better when everything is clean and tidy and in its place. And there's a part of me that's like, not the psychologist, clearly, but I feel like, oh, my gosh, if they don't know how to put these things away, they're never going to learn. Then they're going to be a slob in college and then get married to somebody and continue being a slob. And so I do worry that, like, this is a life skill they need to master quickly.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

And it may be right. But. So here's the thing that we have to acknowledge. And I am, like, so 100% with you. Like, my instincts, Like, I keep things really tidy. I really like things orderly. And, you know, for me, it's actually hard to think if there's a whole lot of clutter around. And yet I have worked with people. I bet you've worked with people. I remember this guy I worked with when I was fresh out of college. I had this research grunt job for a bunch of developmental pediatricians. And it was a great job. And one of these guys had an office that, like, I felt like I was gonna break out in hives every time I stepped in this office. Like, it was just like, there were just piles and piles and piles of research papers everywhere. And to me, it looked like pure chaos. And then you would say to him, like, I'm looking for this particular research paper. And he would spin in his chair and go right to the pile that had it and pull it out of the middle of the pile. Wow. And I was like, that's really weird. Like, I can't believe he can do this. But this is how this guy's mind worked and this. And so it did not seem to be a problem for him. So as much as instinctively for me and for you, that is just like. I mean, like, skin crawlingly uncomfortable to think about. I do try to acknowledge, like, other people can function in chaos in ways that I cannot. Like, I cannot. So what I would say is, if you have a kid who bends in that direction, where they're like, I don't know, chaos keeps me, you know, lively. It keeps it all fresh for me. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say, I can't look at your chaos. Like, you can't be leaving it everywhere. It can't be all over the house, how you keep your room. There's some negotiating. I can close that door. I don't have to see it. Where this starts to fall apart is if the way they keep their Room starts to create a problem. For this particular researcher, it didn't seem to be a problem. He could actually. Somehow his mind worked in a way that let him locate all of these items in what looked like chaos to me. When kids rooms are messy, it can turn into a problem. They can be unable to find things, they can harm things they don't mean to harm. You know, like something nice gets stuck under a pile, and then it's not so good anymore. You know, it gets crushed or whatever. And so that's a place where there may be meaningful consequences for their lackadaisical approach to organization and cleanliness. And here, arena, I think this is the real challenge as a parent, which is to let the consequences do their work.

[Rena Nainan]

Tell me more about that.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Well, okay, so this is interesting because it can happen. And it's funny, I was actually just talking with a friend about this, you know, because she's got kids. I've got kids who are talking about nagging our kids. And she told me this story. She's got this terrific, really bright girl who's, you know, forgets things, loses things, and had gotten a nice coat for the holidays. You know, it was like a Christmas gift, like this nice new coat. And. And then it went missing. And they were looking everywhere for this coat. And the family and my friend, to her credit, refused to replace it. Basically said, you know, this was brand new. This was really nice. You can wear layers, lots of layers, until we find this thing. Yeah. And it was painful for the kid and the maj. Right, to have this kiddo wear lots of layers. Well, that's the thing. And then, of course, you know, they found the coat when the. It was outside in the yard under a whole bunch of. Which is like, so, like, so Ohio. And so, like, perfect.

[Rena Nainan]

So every parent.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah, so every parent. But it's interesting because in thinking about that story, I was like, oh, that's so interesting. You know, so often when we're nagging kids, it's to prevent what will be a hassle for us. Right. If you lose your coat, then either I feel compelled to replace this coat, or I have to have these uncomfortable conversations with you every day about what you're gonna do instead of wearing the nice coat that you just got. So I'm gonna nag you so that I don't have to do that. And I think, very much to my friend's credit, she was like, you lost your coat. You know, you gotta get better at managing your stuff. Bravo. Bravo. I gotta let you feel this. Even though it makes more Work for you and more work for me. And I could actually magically fix this by just getting you a new coat. I'm actually gonna let you feel this one and I'm not gonna nag you. And every time you walk in the door, be like, where's your coat? Where's your coat? Where's your coat? What'd you do with your coat? You know, so that's like some pretty, you know, stellar and high energy parenting which we don't always have at our disposal. But so that's the other thing I would wonder is when we're nagging kids, and actually probably a very good example here is their homework. You know, have you started your homework? Did you turn in your homework? Did you give your teacher that thing? That's a really good example where there are a whole lot of natural consequences that are going to arrive on your child if they don't do those things. And it is probably worth it, especially in the younger grades to let that play out.

[Rena Nainan]

Wow. Yeah. And in the fifth grade now, the teachers, you know, preparing kids for middle school are saying, don't. If they forget something, if they don't let them suffer the consequences. And my son's teacher was like, a lot of parents, don't let the kids suffer the consequences to protect them.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Absolutely, absolutely. And there's two things I would add on that, you know, one is if you are foot on your kid's neck, like, did you do your homework? Where are you with your homework? Have you turned it in? Stuff like that. And that's how they get their work done. You've basically signed up for a pretty permanent job. You're stuck then feeling like you have to keep doing that because especially as they age, the grades matter and you're not going to just suddenly drop them. The other is, and this is incredible to me, sometimes when I've been at schools and I've spoken with the kids during the day and then I'm speaking with the parents at night, I will ask kids to fill out on a piece of paper, like, what is it you want your parents to know? Like, what can I share with them that you wish they knew? And Rena, it is amazing to me how often kids, especially middle schoolers, have written, let me deal with the consequences of my actions. Like, kids are asking, wow, really? Yeah. And so if it's nagging, to prevent your kid from feeling emotional distress about having to go to school and say to a teacher, I didn't do the work, don't nag, you know, the kid. So you Know this. Let's look. What does this look like at home? What it looks like at home is, you know, it's homework time and your kid is not doing it, and, you know it's a problem. I think you can say, you and I both know it's homework time. I think you should be doing your homework, but you don't seem to be doing your homework. I'm going to bed, right? Or I'm going to go watch my show. And then the next day, if the kid's like, oh, no, oh, no, I didn't do X, Y or Z, I think that's when the parent can say, well, you will deal with your teacher about it. You need to let them know what happened or they're going to quickly figure it out. Kids won't do that too many times before they start to fix it. Having to go into school and say, I didn't do it, I don't have it, is pretty painful. Totally. Let kids feel that pain, especially before high school.

[Rena Nainan]

So just to recap, Lisa, what really matters when you're trying to motivate your kid and you want them to take responsibility and not to have to nag, what would you say are, like, the three things we need to do?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

I think the first thing, and it's interesting because I've thought it through as we've talked about it, you know, we nag for different reasons, right? One is there's stuff that has to get done in the morning, and it just has to get done or get done in the evening. And the other is I don't want my kid to feel the painful consequence of not doing the thing that I can remind them to do. So I would actually separate those out. So the second thing is, if it's like a list thing, like where you're remembering for them, but they really could manage it themselves. Make it a list. Make it a third party. Make it a thing that you can point to and say, you need to be going doing those things. I'm not going to stand here and remind you of each of those things. And then third, if it's a pain prevention thing, I'm going to nag you so you don't go to school without your homework. Let them feel the pain. And that should quickly put you out of the nagging business. And that is what we want.

[Rena Nainan]

Very interesting. Letting them feel the pain. And also that list. I'm gonna try that list because I've never done it that way. And let's see how that goes. Very interesting.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Let us know.

[Rena Nainan]

I will I absolutely will. By the way, what age developmentally can you rely on them to cook a three course meal? I'd like to know that one, too.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

If you find out, you tell me. We are not there. We are not there. But you know what? I will take any kid who can make their own quesadilla. Man, I think that is pretty much crushing it.

[Rena Nainan]

No, I'm just waiting to get to the. What do you call them? The yolo. You're on your own dinners.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Oh, yeah. Yo dinners. Yo, yo, yo, yo dinner. Yep. Basically feed yourself out of the fridge. It is the best. It is the absolute best. I love it.

[Rena Nainan]

So what do you have for us for parenting to go?

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

That phrasing you and I both know, I think is one of the best phrasings in all of parenting. It actually comes from a psychologist from a long time ago named Haim Gennaught. And it's really brilliant because it's basically getting the parent out of the position of saying, it is my job to tell you this thing, and actually putting the parent in the position of saying, I know you know this, which puts the right kind of pressure on kids, which is to basically be motivated by what they themselves know needs to happen.

[Rena Nainan]

Ooh, that is really, really good. Really good. And we should mention next week we're gonna be talking about something you've been researching extensively.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

Yeah, we're gonna talk about edibles, a topic that was relatively new to me and one where there's a lot that parents need to know.

[Rena Nainan]

I have a lot of questions. Can't wait.

[Dr. Lisa Damore]

See you next week.

[Rena Nainan]

Thanks for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to the Ask Lisa podcast so you get the episodes just as soon as they drop. And send us your questions to ask [e-mail] and now a word from our lawyers. The advice provided on this podcast does not constitute or serve as a substitute for professional psychological treatment therapy or other types of professional advice or intervention. If you have concerns about your child's well being, consult a physician or mental health professional. If you're looking for additional resources, check out Lisa's website@drmet Lisa d'amore.com we'll see you next week.