Podcast Summary: Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens

Episode 66: Should I Bribe My Kid?
Hosts: Dr. Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan
Release Date: February 1, 2022

Episode Overview

This episode tackles a moral and practical parenting dilemma: is it ever acceptable to "bribe" your tween or teen to participate in new activities, improve their behavior, or achieve in school? Dr. Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan respond to a parent's question about motivating her 11-year-old son, discussing the psychology behind the "reflexive no" often seen in adolescence, the nuanced distinction between bribery and celebratory gifts, and offering practical strategies for parents seeking both structure and warmth.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The "Reflexive No" of Adolescence

• Adolescent Resistance: Dr. Lisa explains how pre-adolescent compliance often shifts into automatic resistance as kids approach the tween/teen years.
• Key Transition:
  • "One day they wake up and you say to them, you need to clean your room and they don't want to do it. And if you get mad, then they're definitely not going to do it, that they just dig in their heels... That's, I think, one of the trickiest transitions in parenting." (Dr. Lisa, 01:32)
• Strategies for Overcoming Reflexive No:
  • Present ideas without demanding an immediate answer: "I have something I want to run by you. I actually don't want an answer right now. I want you to think about it..." (Dr. Lisa, 03:56)
  • "It ups your odds of getting a yes or it ups your odds of actually getting a conversation." (Dr. Lisa, 05:08)
  • Leave the door open for kids to reconsider: "If you have a second reaction, let me know." (Dr. Lisa, 05:04–06:24)

Negotiables vs. Non-Negotiables in Parenting

• Clarifying Boundaries:
  • Dr. Lisa emphasizes the value of clearly outlining what's negotiable and what's not, inviting kids into genuine conversations rather than confrontations.
  • "It can be very helpful to tell them what the negotiables are and what the non negotiables are. And it really invites them into the conversation." (Dr. Lisa, 07:48)
• Example (Smartphone Debate):
  • Reena shares a real-life negotiation with her son about when he'll get an iPhone, highlighting how even hard lines can be softened by laying out achievable paths:
    "We often have to say no to our kids. They often prefer it if we can say yes when..." (Dr. Lisa, 09:41)

The Parent's Letter: Bribing a Kid Into More Activities

• Underlying Motivations:
  • The parent worries about too much unstructured time spent on screens and feels her son might need more structure for emotional well-being and family harmony.
• Structuring the Response:
  • Dr. Lisa suggests that before resorting to bribery, parents should identify motivations and try negotiation or setting expectations as the first step.
• Suggested Tactics:
  • Option 1: Trade-offs—reducing screen time in exchange for not adding new activities.
  • Option 2: Choice within structure—"the non negotiable is that you're adding an activity. The negotiable is what you're adding." (Dr. Lisa, 14:47)
  • Use bribery only if the other strategies fail.

Bribing for Grades: A Careful Exception

• General Stance:
  • "My general rule is no, but I will tell you the exception." (Dr. Lisa, 16:09)
  • Attach freedoms and privileges to responsibilities rather than rewards for grades.
• Exception:
  • For especially unmotivated teens (e.g., a 9th grader unmoved by loss of privileges), Dr. Lisa allows that a bribe can be better than allowing academic self-sabotage:
    "I have said to parents, you certainly have my permission to say to that young person... we'll bribe you to get better grades in the name of you feeling like you haven't closed doors, that you didn't mean to close." (Dr. Lisa, 18:09)

Bribes vs. Celebratory Gifts: Drawing the Line

• Meaningful Distinction:
  • A bribe is transactional and comes before the behavior; a celebratory gift recognizes effort or achievement after the fact.
  • "What you're describing is... at year's end, you're like, well done. Congratulations. We're so proud of you." (Dr. Lisa, 19:50)
  • The risk of bribing: Kids may do nothing unless they know a reward is guaranteed. Recognize exceptional effort with celebration; use bribery only for negotiables or in emergencies.

How Busy Should Kids Be?

• Balance Is Key:
  • Dr. Lisa reiterates her mantra: "warmth and structure." It's healthy for kids to be busy, but the child's needs and well-being come first.
  • Neutral rule: "Sleep is the non negotiable. You must get 10 hours of sleep a night... The moment I am standing at your bedroom door telling you to stop doing your homework because you have to go to bed, is the moment that activities start coming off your plate." (Dr. Lisa, 24:08)
  • Avoid overscheduling, but ensure enough structure to reduce unhealthy screen time.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Bribery and Motivation:
  • "The hazard there is that then the kid might be like, well, then I'm not gonna do anything unless I know there's a prize at the end." (Dr. Lisa, 20:49)
• On Celebrating Achievement:
  • "We see how hard you worked. We're so proud of you and we want you to know that we appreciate it and appreciate you. And here's how we celebrate that." (Dr. Lisa, 20:49)
• On Realism in Parenting:
  • "Sometimes it's praise, sometimes it's attaching meeting their responsibilities to having expanded privileges that works really well as kids move into adolescence. And sometimes maybe it's a bribe." (Dr. Lisa, 26:05)

Key Timestamps

• 01:32 – Defining the adolescent “reflexive no”
• 03:56–06:24 – Strategies for turning “no” into conversation
• 07:48 – Setting negotiables vs. non-negotiables
• 14:47 – Giving kids choice within a non-negotiable structure
• 16:09–18:38 – The nuanced stance on bribing for grades
• 19:50–20:49 – Bribing vs. celebratory gifts
• 24:08 – Determining healthy levels of activity based on sleep and well-being
• 26:05–26:28 – Parenting To-Go: arsenal of motivation tools

Summary Takeaways

• Adolescents often resist parental suggestions reflexively; slow down the conversation and keep the door open for second thoughts.
• Clarify what’s negotiable and what’s not—involving your child in the process can change the tone from combative to collaborative.
• Before offering bribes, explore negotiating screen time, offering choice within mandatory structure, and using natural incentives.
• Reserve academic bribery for exceptional circumstances, but generally tie freedoms to responsibility rather than rewards to achievement.
• Celebrate achievement, but don’t make rewards the only incentive for effort—celebratory gifts are distinct from bribes.
• Balance structure and busyness with the non-negotiable of adequate sleep—listen to your child’s needs, but hold boundaries.
• Mix tools: use praise, responsibilities, and (judiciously) bargaining to motivate tweens and teens.

For further parenting guidance, readers are encouraged to review Dr. Lisa’s weekly newsletter, which expands on each episode’s insights. Send your questions for future episodes to asklisa@drlisadamore.com.