Podcast Summary

Podcast: Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens
Episode: 79 – What Do Parents Need to Know about Suicide?
Date: May 3, 2022
Host: Dr. Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan
Guest: Dr. Jonathan B. Singer, Associate Professor of Social Work at Loyola University Chicago, co-author of Suicide in Schools

Episode Overview

This episode features a frank and informative conversation about suicide among teens and tweens. Renowned psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour and journalist Reena Ninan are joined by leading suicide prevention expert Dr. Jonathan B. Singer. The goal is to offer parents science-backed, practical guidance on recognizing warning signs, discussing suicide, and supporting both teens and other families impacted by suicide.

Key Theme:
Empowering parents to talk openly and effectively about suicide with their children, recognize risk factors and warning signs, and support others affected by suicide—while dispelling common myths, understanding the data, and prioritizing both prevention and compassion.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Common Misconceptions About Suicide Timing

• Myth: Suicides occur most around the holidays.
• Fact: The highest rates are actually in the spring, with another rise in fall for adolescents; the lowest times are during the summer and school holidays.
  • “There's a long standing myth that people kill themselves over the holidays… what's true is that the highest times are in the spring. And then for adolescents, there's also a bump in the fall.” — Dr. Singer (02:10)

2. Root Causes and Risk Factors

• Suicide in teens can stem from:
  • Interpersonal conflicts (with parents, peers)
  • Bullying or cyberbullying
  • A profound sense of not belonging or being valued (structural issues like racism, economic inequality)
  • Unique to youth: Some suicidal acts may be meant as a statement to others (“13 Reasons Why” effect).
• “All these things… really speak to this idea of I'm not valued. People don't care if I live or I die. I don't see a future for myself.” — Dr. Singer (02:44)

3. Warning Signs and "Out of the Blue" Suicides

• Most people, including adolescents, give off warning signs before a suicide, though these are often recognized only in retrospect.
• Warning signs:
  • Verbal hints (“I don’t think anybody would care if I lived or I died.”)
  • Deactivation or withdrawal from social media
  • Uncharacteristic anger or aggression
  • Sudden changes in sleep or eating habits
  • Giving away possessions
• “Most kids display some sort of warning signs. What we find is that it's retrospective…” — Dr. Singer (05:30)
• Important Quote: “At the moment, you're like, well, it couldn't have been suicide. But in retrospect, you're like, yeah, I guess that was a warning sign.” — Dr. Singer (05:36)

4. Teen Communication and Parental Response

• Teens often use slang/acronyms like “kms/kys” (“kill myself/kill yourself”) in conversation—parents must probe gently:
  • If a teen says, “I’m going to kill myself if I don’t get an A,” acknowledge the stress, and ask calmly if they are thinking about ending their life.
• “Just very gently, very… I’m not making a big deal out of this. I’m just saying I want to know.” — Dr. Singer (07:13)
• Script example: “Hey, sometimes… when people are really stressed, they'll say things like, I'm gonna kill myself, but they don't actually mean it. And sometimes they're actually thinking about ending their life because it just seems so overwhelming. They can't imagine going on. And I'm just wondering if you've had any of those thoughts.” — Dr. Singer (06:41)

5. Self-Harm (Non-Suicidal Self-Injury, NSSI) vs. Suicide

• NSSI (e.g., cutting or burning oneself) is often about emotional regulation, not intent to die.
• “Many kids… who engage in non suicidal self injury are either feeling so much intensity of emotion that they want the emotion to kind of chill out, or they're numb and they want to feel something.” — Dr. Singer (09:44)
• Important for parents not to overreact or assume NSSI equates to a suicide attempt, but to open a dialogue:
  • “Hey, I saw you had this cut on your wrist… I just want to understand what’s going on. Were you thinking about ending your life or were you trying to feel something?” (12:48)
• Responding as if NSSI equals attempted suicide can feel punitive and shut down communication.

6. What To Do If a Child Expresses Suicidal Thoughts

• Validate their feelings, show appreciation for their honesty, and gently ask for more detail.
• “Open up the space. Because what that's going to do is it's going to let your kid know I am willing and able to talk without jumping in…” — Dr. Singer (15:08–16:00)
• Ensure adequate sleep, as lack of sleep increases suicide risk.
• If a parent reacts poorly or dismisses a disclosure (“you’ll be fine”), it’s important to circle back and acknowledge the mistake, ask for a “do-over,” and try again. (17:41)

7. Suicide Contagion and Peer Influence

• Suicide can be “contagious” among adolescents—about 5% of adolescent suicide deaths are considered contagion.
• Teens who die by suicide often have friends already at elevated risk.
• Communities must balance awareness without normalizing suicide as an inevitable or “common” outcome.
  • “If you have a script which is like suicide is the inevitable conclusion for all the kids in this community, it's actually more likely that kids are going to be like, oh well, this is probably something that's going to happen to me or my friends…” — Dr. Singer (23:34)
• Uplifting stories of resilience is also important.

8. Suicide in Adults and Connection to Youth Suicide

• Middle-aged white men have the highest suicide rate (statistical, not “media-visible”).
• Risk factors include failed relationships, unemployment, substance abuse, and firearms access.
• Adult suicide increases risk for their children.
• Solutions for adult suicide prevention are protective for youth and vice versa.

9. Substance Abuse and Lethal Means

• Substance use heightens suicide risk, and being under the influence leads to more lethal suicide attempts.
• Access to firearms dramatically increases risk: “Nine out of ten suicide attempts with a firearm ends in death.” — Dr. Singer (27:26)

10. When a Child Tells You About a Friend in Crisis

• Validate your child’s disclosure, assess what the child knows, and encourage/assist in notifying the friend’s parents—unless you have credible reason to believe parent involvement increases harm.
• Establishing relationships with your children’s friends’ parents is helpful before a crisis arises.

11. Supporting Families Who’ve Lost a Child to Suicide

• Don’t ask “how did they do it?” or offer trite reassurances (“God needed another angel”).
• Offer concrete help (meals, childcare, chores) and ongoing, low-pressure support via text or email.
• Siblings also need support.
• After a suicide death, shift from prevention framing (“suicide is preventable”) to support and compassion for survivors.
• Loss is ongoing—milestones continue to be painful reminders.

12. Demographic Data and Trends

• Youth suicide rates have risen significantly since 2007.
  • Increases are most dramatic among American Indian, Alaska Native, Black, and Latina youth.
• Data collection lags impede tailored prevention and response.

13. When and How to Talk to Your Kids About Suicide

• Open, proactive conversation is encouraged in the teen years, even if there are no clear warning signs.
  • “You can do it as a way of talking with your kid about their friend group. Right. Sort of as a check in.” — Dr. Singer (41:27)
• Ask kids how distress is communicated among their friends, particularly online.
• Early conversations “plant the seed” for future openness if problems arise.

14. Hopeful Messages and Final Insights

• Most teens who attempt suicide do not die by suicide; most recover and live satisfying lives.
• “Families can go through a suicidal crisis with their kid and on average their kid is going to be fine. It's just terrifying in the moment because you don't know.” — Dr. Singer (43:27)
• Asking about suicide does not increase distress or risk, even among non-suicidal youth—asking helps.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On adolescent warning signs:
  “At the moment, you're like, well, it couldn't have been suicide. But in retrospect, you're like, yeah, I guess that was a warning sign.” (05:36)

• On parental mistakes:
  “If you've blown it, great thing about life is that gives us lots of opportunities to get it right.” (17:41)

• On asking about suicide:
  “If you're concerned, ask. You won't make things worse and you might make them better.” — Dr. Lisa Damour (45:42)

• On contagion:
  “There is an experience… unique to adolescence, which is suicide contagion… it's about 5% of adolescent suicide deaths…” (21:33)

• On hope:
  “Most kids who attempt suicide report having satisfying or very satisfying lives moving forward… about 90% of people who have attempted suicide don't ever die by suicide.” (43:27)

Suggested Timestamps

• 02:10 — Suicide seasonality myth vs. reality
• 04:26 — Warning signs and retrospective recognition
• 06:41 — How to respond to “I’m going to kill myself if…”
• 09:24 — NSSI vs. suicidal behavior explained
• 12:48 — What to say if you notice a cut/self-injury
• 15:08 — Responding to expressed suicidal thoughts
• 17:41 — When a parent “blows it”: repairing the conversation
• 21:33 — Suicide contagion in adolescence
• 27:26 — Substances, firearms, and suicide lethality
• 29:01 — What to do if your child tells you a peer is at risk
• 32:05 — Supporting families in the aftermath of suicide
• 37:02 — Trends in youth suicide by demographic group
• 41:27 — How and when to proactively talk about suicide
• 43:27 — Hopeful longitudinal outcomes & closing thoughts
• 45:42 — Asking does not increase risk

Final Thoughts

This episode normalizes open, proactive discussions about suicide, arms parents with concrete language and tactics, underscores the value of validation and support, and insists on the promise of recovery and resilience.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, text a crisis line or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (now 988 in the US).

For more resources, see show notes at drlisadamour.com.