It happens to us all - You yell, shame, hurt, or otherwise show up in a way you don’t love as a parent. It’s normal to lose it with your kid. It's part of being in a relationship with anybody. There are times when we get upset and create a disconnection, or rupture, with the other person.

What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward.

You’ll Learn:

Why saying “I’m sorry” is so important (and why it’s only one piece of repair)
4-step formula for a repair conversation (with examples)
What you need to do before you have this conversation with your kid
How to repair after a longer period of time when you weren’t showing up as the parent you want to be

When you create a rupture in your relationship with your child, you first have to forgive yourself. Then, it’s time to apologize and reconnect with your kid.

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You know what this looks like…

Your kid keeps complaining about what you’re serving for dinner.

Or they keep asking for something over and over, even though you already said no.

Or they start hitting their sibling while you’re trying to make an appointment on your phone.

You lose your compassion and patience and get angry, overwhelmed, irritated, or frustrated. You get dysregulated, short-tempered, and disrespectful toward your child.

It’s normal to lose it with your kid. It's part of being in a relationship with anybody. There are times when we get upset and create a disconnection, or rupture, with the other person.

What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward.

What It Feels Like For Your Kid

Children are very self centered. That's their natural way of viewing the world. They're pretty sure the world revolves around them.

So when they notice that you’re mad, they will automatically think that they are the reason. And further, they’ll think that something is wrong with who they are. They don’t know how to separate their core self from their behavior yet. They internalize our anger, and it's very easy for them to go into shame.

This means that when you yell or get upset, you have to go back and give your child some understanding of why you behaved the way you did. We call this repair.

You explain to them that you were in a big feeling cycle, and you didn’t use your tools of taking a pause or deep breathing or moving your body or whatever you typically use to calm yourself.

The conversation is about repairing your relationship with your child, as well as their self-esteem and internal self-talk (basically your kid’s relationship with themself).

When To Repair

Here are some signs that your child might need a repair conversation with you. You might notice that they:

Seem deflated
Withdraw from you
Look confused by your face or your behavior
Cry
Run away
Get more aggressive

When you act out your big feelings on your kid, it activates their stress response. They go into fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn.

Anytime you notice that you’ve created a rupture, go make a repair.

If you’re at the beginning of your Calm Mama journey, you’ll probably have to do this a lot. You haven’t developed the skills yet, and that’s okay. You are still learning.

Another thing to note is that the repair conversation should happen separately from parenting, limit setting, or correction. You might feel tempted to say something to your kid like, “I’m sorry I yelled, but I wouldn’t yell at you if you would just put your pajamas on.” Discussion about your child’s behavior is a whole different conversation.

You are responsible for how you respond to misbehavior. Repair is the time for you to fix your mistake and reconnect.

How To Apologize and Reconnect with Your Kid

Repair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child. You caused a problem with your behavior, and it is your responsibility to make it right.

You’re essentially saying to your child, “Hey, I know that happened. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and I’m working on it.”

But it’s not enough just to say, “I’m sorry.” We also want our kids to have a chance to talk about how they felt in that moment and have their feelings acknowledged. We want them to understand that your behavior was not about them.

Remember, it’s not your kid’s job to forgive you and make you feel better. You have to do that work for yourself first. Take the time to reflect, get calm, and forgive yourself for your mistake.

When you’re ready, you are the one who should initiate the repair conversation. Don’t wait for your kid to come to you. Whether it’s the same day or a couple of days later, come back to the incident in a timely manner.

Step 1: Narrate the moment of disconnection. Let your child know that you’ve been thinking about what happened. Talk about how you acted out.

Step 2: Take responsibility. This is the “I’m sorry.” Before you go into this conversation, make sure that you are truly ready to take responsibility for your behavior without blaming, criticizing, or trying to assuage your own guilt. You have to be neutral and compassionate toward yourself. Be ready to receive your child’s story and experience of your behavior (which can be really uncomfortable).

Step 3: Acknowledge the impact on your child. You can say things like, “I bet that was really hard for you,” or “I wonder if you felt hurt or scared by the way I acted?” Invite them to tell you how they felt and what it was like for them. Ask simple questions to help them name the emotions. Then, validate their feelings.

Step 4: Now what? Make a commitment, and make amends. Let your kid know that you’re working on staying calm. Find out if there’s anything you can do to make things better. Let them make a request, and try to respect it.

Here’s an example:

Step 1: I’ve been thinking about what happened yesterday when we were rushing to get ready for school. I yelled at you.

Step 2: That was my fault. I'm sorry. I should not have done that.

Step 3: I would imagine you felt very scared when I was yelling at you. Did you feel scared? (Yes, I don’t like it when you yell). Yes, of course it’s scary when you see me yell. That must have been really difficult for you to feel like I didn’t love you or care about you. I am sorry.

Step 4: I want you to know that I’m working on staying calm. Is there anything you want me to do to make things right?

What a beautiful thing in your relationship if you can be neutral and open enough to receive your child's pain - even if you're the one who caused it. What a gift to let them have a voice and the power to communicate the hard things that they've experienced - even if those things were done by you.

The goal is to help your child not internalize the shame that makes them think, “I’m not good enough,” “There’s something wrong with me,” or “I’m worthless.” We want our kids to know that, at their core, they are good, worthy, loved, forgiven, accepted, and safe.

We want them to know that our anger is not their fault and that they can make requests of us (and of others).

We are human. We make mistakes, and we can fix our mistakes. And that’s a powerful thing.

Related Episodes:

Episode 158: Guilt & Self-Forgiveness
Episode 194: Attachment Basics
Episode 161: Radical Self Love (part of the the “How to Heal” series)

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

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