Dr. Angele Close is back to talk with me more about matrescence - the transformation and experience of becoming a mother. Motherhood comes with so many changes, identity shifts, frustrations, overwhelm, delight (I could go on all day).

You’ll Learn:

What matrescence is
How the transformation of motherhood looks different at different stages of life
Common experiences and struggles of matrescence
Practical strategies for processing the changes you’re going through
Why it’s so hard for moms to give validation to themselves.

It’s a big deal to become a parent! We are forever changed by the experience.

Today, we’re diving deeper into what it means to go through this process, how it changes us, how it's like adolescence, and the beautiful gifts that come with becoming a mom.

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As you may remember from our previous conversations, Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher who draws on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of healing and transformation to support maternal mental health and well-being.

She helps mothers navigate the identity shifts of matrescence, releasing perfectionism and shame so they can embrace motherhood with greater self-compassion, confidence, and joy. Dr. Angele is also a mother of 3 teens and the author of Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom.

Transformational Stages

We all go through certain periods of transformation in our lives. Two of the biggest are adolescence and matrescence, and Dr. Angele shared some comparisons between them.

She says that each of these is a transformational journey that every woman who becomes a mother will experience. Just as your body, identity, and friendships change during adolescence, your mindset, identity, career, and relationships also change over the course of motherhood. And while we all go through this transformation, every person’s experience is unique.

Matrescence begins in the moment that you start thinking, “I think I want to be a mother” (or, “Oh shit, I’m going to be a mother!”). And it lasts as long as you are a mother.

Because this covers such a wide range of time and experiences, it can also help to pinpoint where you are within matrescence:

Emerging motherhood
Early motherhood
Late motherhood
Post-motherhood (this is where I am right now)

Depending on your stage of matrescence, there are some common patterns and experiences that Dr. Angele has seen come up for moms.

Fantasy v. Reality

This is a big one in early motherhood. Chances are, you had a vision in your mind of what it would be like to be a mom. Maybe it was carried with you from childhood, when you pretended to be a mom to your dolls. Personally, I had a vision of strolling down Venice Beach in a cute outfit with my nails done and perfect hair. I had no idea what it was actually going to be like.

The lived reality of motherhood is usually a bit different from the visions in our heads.

Suddenly, you’re dealing with sleep schedules, feeding schedules, figuring out how to manage your time and energy in a whole new way. There’s a heavy mental load, lots of new demands, and you’re mentally and physically exhausted. The next thing you know, you haven't showered in days, you forgot to brush your teeth, haven't put a bra on, and can't figure out how to get you and your kid(s) out the door.

It can be a little bit of a rude awakening compared to that vision of walking along the beach looking beautiful with the wind blowing in your hair!

You probably realize that there are parts of momming that you don’t like. And then you feel like a bad mom.

When you’re early on in matrescence (the first 4-5 years), it’s kinda like early adolescence. It feels awful, you don’t know who you are, and you’re confused about what you’re supposed to be doing, what matters, and what doesn’t.

That confusion of identity leads us to…

The Inner Split

Matrescence isn’t just about schedules and the demands of motherhood. It is a full transformation of identity.

Matrescence can be really uncomfortable and isolating. You might feel torn between who you were as a woman and who you are becoming as a mom. Between what you want and the limitations that you’re facing.

Dr. Angele explains that most moms make their child a priority, which is natural because babies are so dependent on us for survival. But as time goes on and our inner needs and ambitions are constantly sacrificed, that stuff starts to bubble up and seep out.

You might start to test the waters by mentioning the way you’re feeling to family or friends. And too often, it’s invalidated or responded to negatively. When you’re afraid of not being seen as a “good” mom, you’re less likely to be honest about what you’re going through.

And social media doesn’t help. Those curated feeds give you the idea that you’re supposed to look or act a certain way.

So you think, “Oh, I guess I’m just not doing this whole motherhood thing right.” Then the shame and guilt come in (which Dr. Angele calls “inner emotional poison”).

Ultimately, Dr. Angele says, “We just want to feel validated in our experience. We don’t want someone to solve it for us. It really is about us finding our own way through, but there’s just not enough awareness and support.”

Why Matrescence Matters

Dr. Angele says that learning the word matrescence “put a language to what I'd been struggling with and feeling for 9 years.” She went on to say it was so validating to know that what she was going through was real and that it had a name. When we have a word to put to a feeling, it helps us to make sense of our inner experience.

Think about adolescence and all of the knowledge and resources that exist to help get out kids through that transformation. Moms don’t have that right now to help them through matrescence.

Without this word, so many moms think there’s something wrong with them. But they’re just mothers who are changing, shifting, and figuring things out. We deserve to understand ourselves and understand what we're going through.

Instead of thinking about the struggles in terms of what our kids are going through (e.g. “Oh, that’s just what it’s like to have a toddler.”), what if we framed it in terms of the mother’s transition (“Oh, you’re struggling because you’re in the middle of an identity shift.”)?

As I talk about so much with parenting, it comes down to curiosity. What is the unique inner struggle that this mom is facing?

Processing Matrescence

First of all, let's normalize the fact that you shouldn’t know better. Everyone else doesn’t have it all figured out. It’s normal to struggle.

Many moms have perfectionistic inner manager parts that just want to do it “right”. We want society to see us as successful, a “good” mom. We want that external praise. But trying to be Supermom depletes us. It doesn’t leave room for us to admit that we don’t know.

You’re learning. You’re becoming. You’re on a continuous journey of figuring it out.

Dr. Angele shared some practical tips that she teaches moms who are going through matrescence.

Notice what the word “matrescence” brings up for you. As you’ve heard us define this process, how do you feel? What thoughts came up? Dr. Angele says, “Usually, when I tell moms about matrescence, I see literally see light shine, the eyes widen. They’re processing already that they now have a word that explains all the changes.”

Next, now that you have a word for what you’re going through, think back on your experience. How does this new lens change the way you see your struggles and transformation? Dr. Angele says that in many moms, this is when the heart opens. They’re filled with self-love and compassion for themselves. “It’s like an awakening moment,” she says.

The truth is, it’s hard to find space to be you within matrescence. But it is possible. Dr. Angele encourages us to take advantage of micro-moments. You don’t need 20 minutes of meditation to experience benefits. Try this:

Dr. Angele’s “one-breath meditation”: Place your hand over your heart and take 1 deep breath.
Take a breath and repeat 2 small phrases to yourself: “I know this is hard.” and “I care.”

These simple compassionate gestures activate oxytocin and literally change your brain.

You can think about this within the framework of the CALM Break, as well.

C: Check in yourself. How am I doing?

A: Align with your values. How do I want to show up?

L: Label with love. This is a transitio...