If you’ve experienced mean mom groups, mom drama, cliques, gossip, rumors, and nastiness, you’re not alone (and you’re not imagining it). Today’s episode is an honest conversation with my friend Danielle about these topics, as well as some loving, kind ways that we can support each other as moms.

You’ll Learn:

Similarities between matrescence, motherhood, and adolescence
How insecurity shows up as “mean mom” behavior
Why I didn’t feel like I fit in with other moms
A personal story about mom drama and feeling left out
How to bring more kindness to other moms

We're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others.

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Danielle and I raised our kids alongside each other. We were in the same elementary school and community, but we also had different friend groups and different experiences. She is one of my favorite people to talk to about motherhood, so I’m so excited she’s here.

Experiences of Matrescence

Every woman in motherhood is going through some stage of matrescence - the process of becoming a mother.

During this transformational time, we tend to experience a lot of the same insecurity, confusion, and overwhelm that we felt in adolescence.

Maybe you’ve felt insecure or confused. Or thought:

I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know who my people are.
I don't know where I fit.
I don't know if I belong.

These are all super common during matrescence. Plus, once you think you’ve started to figure things out, everything changes as your child moves through stages of infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary, high school, and beyond.

Mom Drama

When you’re going through matrescence, you’re also likely surrounded by other women who are also going through this transition. When you put a group of moms together, those insecurities can show up as immaturity and drama.

And just as teen girls stir up drama because they’re insecure and not sure when they fit in, moms act out their insecurities in a similar way. Particularly when their kids are around early elementary age.

When your kids are in preschool, it’s like you’re at war together. You’re sharing stories and struggles, comparing behaviors, and just trying to figure out how to get through it. It’s a very physical time in parenting. You’re picking them up, putting them down, dealing with sleep issues and potty training. It’s a daily battle, and you’re exhausted.

Once your kid is out of diapers and strollers and is off to school, there’s a shift from physical parenting to emotional parenting. You start to look around and wonder, “Am I doing this right?”

This is the stage when we tend to see “mean mom” behaviors that are driven by insecurity, fear, and the desire to fit in.

Belonging

The preschool years are short. You may connect with other moms mainly in the drop-off or pickup line, and you know that in a year or two, kids will be heading in different directions and to different schools.

During the elementary years, you might start looking for longtime friends, knowing that your kids will be in school together for the next 6 or 8 or 12 years.

Now, you’re looking at other moms and asking yourself, “Are these the people we want to spend time with?” “What group am I going to be in?” You want to make sure that you and your kids are in with the “right” families and groups.

What often happens then is that the insecurity of wanting to set our kids up for success and make sure we’re in the right group lends itself to observing, judging, and criticizing other moms. Then you get into comparison. And then you get into gossip.

Fear

Danielle brought up a fear moms have of a “bad kid” rubbing off on their child. Especially if your kid is slightly divergent or working through emotional regulation issues, people tend to run away. It’s like behavioral issues are contagious. There isn’t a lot of grace extended in those early years.

It’s a fear not only of their kid behaving badly but also insecurity around the parent’s ability to handle that behavior. Moms think, “I don’t even know how to parent that, so I’m just gonna avoid it.”

Judgment

Many people also have the belief that your kid and their behavior is a reflection of you as a parent. So, when someone sees a child behaving badly, they might jump to the conclusion that the mom is a terrible parent.

At this young stage of parenting, everybody is blaming everybody. Everyone's judging everybody.

There’s this idea that if there’s misbehavior, something has gone wrong. Or if your child has emotional pain, it’s the parent’s fault.

Danielle points out that, “we’ve created a culture where we recognize that kids go through painful experiences. They have a lot of emotions and sometimes they're really big and sometimes they lead to behavior that isn't great. And we've done a great job of creating language around that and acknowledging that that happens to children. But we haven't gotten past the fact that all of that obviously lies at the feet of the parent. Every child's outburst, every child's pain, every child's misbehavior, every child's tantrum is because the parent is doing a bad job.”

Cliques

All of these factors can sometimes lead to cliques and excluding other families. It can lead to a mean-girl mentality.

When one of my sons was in kindergarten, I had the experience of being pushed out of a mom group. I felt like I was in high school, being excluded. It was so painful. And as I've talked about this story with other moms, they have shared with me similar things that have happened.

Finding Compassion for Moms

I want to offer a new lens for all of this. Other women are going through this matrescence transformation, too. They’re trying to figure it out, too. Everyone is really scared. We all want our kids to be okay, and we don’t want to mess them up.

But hurting other women in the process - gossiping, spreading rumors, judging, criticizing, shaming, and blaming - is not the way to do it.

We can make decisions that work for our children without being cliquey.

We don't have to act like teenage girls and talk a bunch of shit and exclude people.

If we can build a little more awareness, it might avoid people getting hurt.

Danielle adds that operating from fear and exclusivity is detrimental. You get less perspective and understanding. It actually goes against the goals we have for our kids. Encouraging people to be more inclusive will enrich their lives and the lives of their children in ways they probably can’t foresee. This is how we build empathy.

Model your values

Bullying has been at the forefront again lately. There’s been a good effort to teach kids about bullying, including creating the “buddy bench”, where kids can sit if they need a friend.

What’s the point of these efforts if kids then hear moms bullying each other at home?

We know it isn’t possible to invite everyone to everything all the time.

But what about the mom who’s struggling, feeling lonely and isolated? Where’s her buddy bench?

You don’t have to become best friends or invite her to every single moms’ night out. But we can still be lovely and kind to each other. We can not talk shit and refuse to be a part of the rumor mill.

Danielle said it beautifully:

If we don't want kids to be bullied…

If we don't want our kids to be the bullies…

If we want our kids to feel that they're growing up in a safe community…

WE have to demonstrate that.

We're all in some stage of motherhood and matrescence. We're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others.

Previous Episode:

Episode 2.13 - Matrescence with Dr. Angele Close

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