← Becoming UnDone
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- [00:00]
Toby Brooks
I want to open up this episode with a special announcement. It is August 9, 2025 and this morning I received an anonymous message from a listener via my podcast hosting account, Messenger. It reads like this quote just listen to your podcast. Going through the hardest changes of my life. I'm a childhood abuse survivor. It made me realize everything I became as a man was a reflection of that trauma. I want to leave that behind and be a strong, confident man and not the shell I feel like I've been. I'm at a point where I'm going through the worst time in my life and I'm failing at making positive changes and breaking old trauma habits. I've even considered taking my life. I need help because I can't do it alone. End quote. I read this aloud right now because as tragic as this message is, and it is, imagine my horror when I realized that I received it at 6:41am this morning. With no contact info and absolutely no way of reaching back out to whoever sent it, I looked for over an hour for a way to identify the sender. I contacted my podcast hosting platform upon which the message was sent to see if they could un deidentify the sender and unfortunately there's no way for me to reach back out to you directly. So if you're listening to this right now, friend, I'm using the only tool that I have at my disposal, this show. I want you to know you are heard, you are seen and I desperately want to help. Please contact me again using that same messaging tool you use, but this time leave your contact info. Or better yet, email me directly@tobyndonepodcast.com I'd love to listen and do everything I can to help connect you with professionals and a community of support that can help you through this time. I don't pretend to know your situation, but I do know that I've been at the point of questioning whether my life was worth living or not. And it was only through God and the love and support of others that I was able to navigate through it. So I'd be honored to be a part of your journey. For you or for anyone else out there contemplating such heavy, burden laden questions. Know that you can always dial. Simply dial 988. That's 988 for the suicide prevention hotline. There you'll find skilled, compassionate counselors available 247365 people want to help, myself included. Now on with the show. This is becoming undone. Let's just say I have a tendency to get carried away. I was talking to my wife today as we were walking and I pointed out I have never been diagnosed as being on the spectrum, never been told that I had ocd. But when I was five or six years old, I kept all my toys in their original boxes and I stored them in alphabetical order with like groups. Tractors were sorted by brand and color, Transformers by size, small, medium, large and affiliation. Autobots in one group, Decepticons in another. My clothes have always been sorted by type and color in my closet. T shirts, polos, button downs and then on the other side, jeans and eventually pants once I got older. Dress pants in ascending order of color, darkness, khakis, then grays, then blues, then blacks. You know, perfectly normal stuff for a six year old, right? That's not weird, right? And since that time it hasn't exactly improved a whole lot. Back when I had CDs and DVDs they were alphabetized on the shelf or in the case. Although I will admit to giving up on this for a time. Once we had our daughter Brennan and she dumped everything in the floor for like the seventh or eighth consecutive day. Books arranged by genre and alphabetical order. Tool storage from tool type to tool size in the toolbox, clearly labeled. Even though I knew each drawer by heart. You know, perfectly normal stuff. So when I moved to Waco last year and thought about starting a new docu series on Coach Dictomi, I wanted it to be spectacular. Problem was we were heading right into the heart of football season and I knew many of his former staffers and players would be busy with their own 20, 24 seasons. So I decided to wait. Like I said, I have a tendency to get carried away. So instead I decided to pivot. I knocked out a nine part docu series on my high school hero, Larry Johnson. But especially as I transitioned into this new job, I caught myself wondering how Coach might have handled the transition. I ordered Lance Tomonaga's book that he co wrote with Coach and I read it cover to cover in a few days. Rise of the Rainbow Warriors. While I was working this new job, I started living in an on campus apartment all alone as Christy and the kids were still back in the Lubbock. So with the extra time, we'll say, as I said, I got a little carried away. As I do, I created a master list of all the guests I wanted to interview. I did my best to reconstruct his biographical timeline. Lance's book did a fantastic job of describing the years leading up to Arizona, but there wasn't much I could find on his time there in the years that followed. You may know this, but those years in the late 90s and early 2000s, those are tough to navigate for someone doing biographical work. There was an Internet but it kind of sucked, especially compared to today. Very few photos, not much in the way of text. The photos that were there tend to be really small and pixelated so that they could display in a pre broadband world. I did manage to track Lance down thanks to a lead from University of Hawaii Director of Media Relations Derek Inouchi. I also managed to track down Dave Phipp before his season started with the Lions and got those two interviews in the bank. But honestly, that whole fall I found myself wanting but never really getting to work on this project. I watched from afar as my friend Brent Brennan led the team as head coach at Arizona, and once I finally got clear of my Larry Johnson documentary, I figured the spring would be the great opportunity to finally begin my work on the Coach Tell Me project. Officially, part one of the series dropped on February 2nd. Within two days I heard from Mike Flores. He reached out and I interviewed him and he became part two of the series. He helped connect me with Coach Dick Vermeil with Jesse Sapolu. Guests started coming out of the woodwork. In total, it's taken me six months to release 15 episodes. And while admittedly that's slower than I wanted, and while there were interviews left on the table that I was never quite able to land, I'm proud of what we did and what we've learned. And I've just recently been reminded of why I probably needed to learn it when I needed to learn it. Just last week I heard from a colleague who's a physical therapist. She said, hey, I've been listening to that Dick Tomy documentary. Would have been wonderful to have met him. What a great series. Thanks for sharing that. Others have reached out. What a fantastic coach Coach Tommy must have been. Thanks for sharing. As I've been reflecting on the life and the lessons and the legacy of Dick Tomy, I've come to realize that what he taught us most about was life. Football just happened to be the context. So whether you're a physical therapist or a football coach or a car salesman or somewhere in between, somewhere within those 14 interviews there's insight to be gained. Most importantly, I would have loved to talk to the man himself. Pretty sure he would have deflected all the praise. He would have thanked others. He would have been a gracious guest, as always. But sadly, we lost Coach Dick Tomey to cancer in 2019. But if anything, through this process, I've seen his fingerprints not only on the lives of coaches, players, but their families and their athletes. And even in my own life, my own family, my own students. The more I grew in my own leadership, the more I found myself asking, how did he do it? How did he motivate people from all over the world to rally together, fight shoulder to shoulder for a common cause? What made him the kind of leader that people would revere and remember and respect long after Coach Dick tell Me had coached his final game? Because in a coaching profession that's changed into this data driven and finance fueled annual experiment on most college campuses, Coach Dick tell Me was different. He built something far more lasting. Culture. And more than that, he built people. Those questions about his leadership, his legacy, how he made people feel seen and known and loved, they wouldn't let me go. Finally, I got to it. I started asking, I started listening. I did track down former players and coaches and colleagues and family who knew him best. From California to Hawaii to Tucson to San Jose and beyond, Coach Tomi never really stopped coaching and he sure as heck never stopped caring to understand that kind of influence, how it worked, where it came from. We went beyond the wins and the games and the strategy. I got to hear incredible stories from people who watched him lead not just from the sidelines, but through life. And today, honestly, sadly, we conclude that journey. I would love nothing better than to turn this into a 30 for 30 documentary with all the bells and whistles, but it's time to move on. I've learned what I need to learn and it's time to apply these lessons in new ways just like I've always done. I got a little carried away, but I'm proud of what we've accomplished because I'll tell you, with your help, as of this moment, August 9th, 2025, as I look at the clock, it's 4:49pm we're closing in on 20,000 downloads of these 14 now 15 episodes where we dug deep into not only what it meant for Coach Dick tell me to be a great football coach, but and for the record, he was but what made him such an incredible leader. And today we're going to take one last loving look in the rearview mirror. You're tuned in to becoming undone. And this, this is part 15, the final installment in my docu series, the Life, the Lessons and the legacy of Coach Dick Toy, a Toby Brooks passion project. We'll be back after this quick message. Hey friend, let me take a quick second to tell you about Something that's been making a real difference for me lately. Bubs Naturals. I've been dealing with this stubborn knee injury that I just couldn't get better. And as somebody that spent most of my life pushing my body, I know recovery doesn't happen by accident. So I started doing some research and I checked out Bub's collagen. And I gotta say, I can feel the difference. It's clean, it's simple, and it works. Bub's products are all about helping your body heal, move, and function at its best, which is a pretty good thing for a guy my age. From collagen peptides to mct oil and now even hydration products, it's legit fuel for high performers, especially when your body's been through some things. And the best part, because you're part of the Becoming Undone crew, you can get 20% off your first order. Just head over to bubsnaturals.com backslash undone. That's u n d o n e to grab your discount. That's Bubsnaturals.com backslash undone. Take care of your body, fuel your recovery, and let's keep getting better. 14 episodes ago I started this journey because I wanted to better understand a man whose career had always fascinated me. I thought I was chasing stories about wins and losses and iconic moments I had hunched. There was something more. But let me tell you, what I found instead was something so much bigger. A blueprint for living, leading, and leaving a legacy that matters. From California to Honolulu to Tucson, from young assistants just starting out to veteran champions looking back, every conversation added another brushstroke to the portrait that is coach Dick. Tell me. As we wrap up this series, I thought it would make sense to put together a top 10 list. The 10 lessons that will stay with me. Lessons I learned not just about coach Dick Tomey, but from him. So I give you, in no particular order, my 10 lessons from the life lessons and legacy of Dick Tomey. Lesson number one. Leadership is earned in moments, not in titles.
- [13:20]
Rich Tomey
You hear it all the time from probably people you've interviewed and just across the board, how football is not complicated. People are. And his gift, and I think his. What he really, you know, inspired people was his ability to connect with people. He truly had an open door policy. Still to this day, I get calls from former walk ons or people that he had an impact with and he treated everyone the same. And whether you were walking around McHale, whether you were delivering the mail or the janitor or the athletic director, whoever you Were he knew your name.
- [13:54]
Toby Brooks
Rich. Tell me. Coach's son told me his dad didn't need to remind anyone he was in charge. His leadership was felt in the way he treated people. Listening, showing up, making them feel seen. Influence wasn't about authority for him. It was about trust. For those who find themselves in the midst of a purpose storm themselves searching for what it is they think they're meant to do. I think there's a lot of comfort to be found here. Life isn't about the title on the business card or the bio on Instagram or LinkedIn as much as it is about how we can best serve those around us and help solve their problems. Whether you're in sales, teaching coaching something different altogether, no title will ever take the place of how we make people feel in their minds. Lesson two, make people feel like they belong before you ask them to believe.
- [14:43]
Lance Tomonaga
Well, you know, the way that Coach told me created that culture is he was great about letting the players be the leaders, especially in the lock. I don't remember coach coming in the locker room. I mean, I mean, you know, sometimes assistant coaches come through, pat you on the back, just, you know, trying to, you know, make sure they show the love and whatnot. But he really let us be a player led team.
- [15:05]
Toby Brooks
Many guests remember that before any playbook talk, Coach wanted to connect with the human in the jersey. For several people talk about it wasn't X's and O's, it was Jimmy's and Joe's. He'd ask about their family, their life off the field, the things that mattered to them. He was a masterful recruiter because he wasn't just looking for players to make plays. He was looking for young men that he could mold. It wasn't ever just about football. It was about making sure they knew they mattered. And from that place of belonging, belief came naturally. In any organization, whether it's a sports team, a classroom, a corporate office, people perform best when they feel like they're part of something that values them as individuals first. I've read multiple posts in just the last week to the effect that, quote, work is work and to not tell anyone your personal business at the office, collect the check and go home. But I can tell you I totally disagree. Before we push for a buy in on a mission or a goal, what I've learned is I think we have to build a foundation of trust and belonging. Only then can belief and subsequently performance take root. Lesson three, small stage, big vision.
- [16:18]
Dino Babers
By the time Coach told me was hired, the recruiting season was over and he didn't have the benefit of a spring practice, but Coach was really eager to get underway. He had a vision of what he wanted to do and I think he just, he just rode up his sleeves and went to work.
- [16:38]
Toby Brooks
Author Lance Tomonaga in Part one, painted a picture of Coach Tomi in Hawaii, refusing to see it as a stepping stone. Many considered it one of the hardest jobs in the country. He showed up, treated the job like it was the biggest stage in football, and in doing so, he elevated everyone around him. At the time, Hawaii didn't have the resources, the recruiting base or the national profile of powerhouse programs. But none of that mattered to Coach. There's a lesson in here for all of us as well. Greatness is not reserved for those on the largest platforms. It comes from committing fully to the work regardless of where you are. When we treat the quote, small assignments as big opportunities, we not only grow ourselves, we inspire others to raise their standards too. And the lives he touched at Hawaii are still impacting thousands today. Rip Shear, Jesse Sapolu, Ken Niyamatalolo, Dino Babers. They all talked about how their years with coach laid the groundwork not just for their careers as coaches, but for their families, for their work away from the game. When you add in others like Mike Flores who came along to Hawaii from ucla, you see that as coach Dino Baber said, coach was an incredible force for good and he couldn't help but leave a residue on you. Lesson 4 Believe before it's obvious, but what Coach told me was able to build in Hawaii was a family oriented team and he believed in players that worked hard and players that put the team first. Jesse Sapolu said it best. He believed in us before we believed in ourselves. Coach tell me his belief wasn't a pat on the back after a great performance. It was just a starting point. He looked at people through the lens of their potential, not their current stats. That belief carried a weight you could feel because it wasn't just this blind optimism. He saw the work you were capable of and he trusted you to rise to it. That's why a scrappy walk on like Barrett Baker could turn into a team captain who's right there front and center in the photo of Arizona football in its finest moment in leadership. It's easy to wait for results before offering affirmation. But tell me showed that belief can be the seed, not the fruit in our own spheres. Family, business, community, who around us needs someone to believe in them before the scoreboard reflects it? It might be your encouragement, your quiet I know you can do this. That tips the balance for someone else to start believing too. Lesson five, loyalty over ladder climbing.
- [19:09]
Brent Brennan
But he, he's one of those guys where he him being loyal to his players, loyal to his coaches, almost to a fault, but not breaking that bond. If you're inside that circle and you truly are family, you're not an individual, you're a team player. All about the team, then he's going to take care.
- [19:32]
Toby Brooks
Dino Babers showed how coach passed on opportunities because the fit, the loyalty, mattered more than the prestige. Famously, he passed on a Miami job that would have dramatically raised his salary and put him on the national stage in a way that Arizona couldn't. But he stayed in Tucson because he believed in players. Even before that, Coach had taken the job at Arizona, but then returned to talk to the AD at UH to try to undo the deal because he felt so terrible leaving his players. Coach tell me his career was defined by how deeply he stayed in our own pursuits. It's easy to be seduced by what's next, what's bigger, what's shinier. I've done this myself in the past year. There's also a strength in resisting that constant pull upwards if it means sacrificing the relationships, the purpose, the unique culture that you've helped to build in the here and now. What I'm reminded of is that success isn't just about advancement. Sometimes it's about commitment to a place and a people, even a contentment, but never a complacency, even when the world says to move on. Lesson six, Grow coaches like you grow players.
- [20:37]
Mike Flores
Coach Tomi's magic was, like you said, that looking into your soul and able to find a way to connect and. And push you to levels that you didn't think you could get to. Like he even did that for me as a coach. I mean, there were so many times where he would, when I was an assistant, where he would cuss me out. Shoot, he did it when I was a head coach. I mean, he let me have it after a game. My first year at Hawaii, he was at the game and he let me have it. But you always knew it came from a good place and you always knew that he wanted what was best for you.
- [21:03]
Toby Brooks
Arizona Wildcats head coach Brent Brennan credits his entire career to Coach Tomi's mentorship. Tommy didn't just build athletes, he built leaders. He invested time and trust and opportunities into young coaches, often when no one else would and more often than not when no one else knew. He did it behind the scenes. He Wasn't pounding his chest looking for attention. He was working to try to help the people he cared about. Leadership means creating more leaders, not just more followers. It's about seeing potential in someone's leadership before they've proven it. Giving them the tools and the space to grow and then stepping back when they can shine. We've all got people in our sphere who could grow into something more with the right investment. And just like coach tell me, we've got to be willing to plant those seeds. Lesson 7 Culture is the real playbook.
- [21:52]
Ken Nematololo
Yeah, I wouldn't even say coach told me was a defensive guy. The coach told me I knew was more of an orchestrator of a mentality. I mean, he was a master psychologist. You know, I mean, he was a great motivator. You know, I just, I. That's where I see more. Coach told me, just from that standpoint, the one thing that you always knew about our football team, we were going to play hard. I mean, we were always a physical team. I mean, back in those times, we played everywhere. You know, my freshman year we played Oklahoma. I mean, we played sc, we played Nebraska. So we played some big people there. We had some huge rivalry game versus byu. And so coach told me what I. I took away from him. He was a master of bringing people together.
- [22:42]
Toby Brooks
That vaunted Desert Swarm def. Defense was more than just a defensive scheme. It was a culture, a shared identity that demanded accountability, unity, relentless effort. It didn't work unless all 11 guys on the field were all in the X's and O's worked because the players trusted each other and they believed in that collective we. In any endeavor, strategy matters. It does. But culture determines whether that strategy is successful or not. Just as current San Jose State head coach Ken Nematolo said it the team doesn't hustle the football. Nothing else matters. Doesn't matter what the defensive coordinator schemes up. It all starts with hustle. And that all starts with culture. Culture shapes behavior when no one is watching. It sets the standard for how people treat one another. You can have the best plan in the world, but if your culture is toxic or fractured or otherwise doesn't meet the standard, it will fall apart under pressure. Lesson 8 Stay through the storm.
- [23:41]
Jesse Sapolu
I will always be just so great that I had the opportunity to really know him and know him well. I knew him on his Tagus wins. I knew him at his most discouraging losses. And he would always come out right here. He will always come out right there. And I never heard and blame anybody.
- [24:02]
Toby Brooks
The ones who stayed In Hawaii told how Tomi never walked out when things got hard. The program faced adversity, budget constraints, tough seasons. But Coach didn't abandon ship. His loyalty inspired theirs. It's tempting to bail when the conditions turn rough, whether it's jobs, relationships, projects. And there are certainly times when we simply must move on. But what I learned from coach is to be cautious of the pulls toward other places and look closely at the pushes from where we are presently. Sometimes I absolutely need to get out of the rain. I get that. But other times, I've realized in retrospect that being right there in the middle of the storm was what spurred my growth. Storms test more than just our endurance. They can reveal our character. And staying doesn't mean you never make a change. It just means that you don't simply run because it gets hard. You stay long enough to see whether perseverance might bring that breakthrough. Lesson nine, Pursue character over clout.
- [25:02]
Nancy Kincaid
We would have staff retreats at the U of A, and we would have alums give us houses, big houses up in Mount Lemmon.
- [25:10]
Toby Brooks
You're familiar with that area.
- [25:11]
Nancy Kincaid
I know, but it was amazing because Dick would put the graduate assistants in the master bedrooms, in the biggest bedrooms, in the nicest rooms. And so the further up you were on the. On the. On the structure, the lesser your quarters were. I mean, Dick would sleep on the couch. Dick would sleep on the couch, and he had GA's staying in the master bedrooms. He was unbelievable like that.
- [25:37]
Toby Brooks
Coach never chased headlines. He was never about personal brand building or self promotion. His wins were in the growth of his people around him. In a world that's obsessed with recognition and image, choosing character over clout is a radical act. True impact isn't about how many people know your name. It's about how many lives you can make better. Sometimes that means walking away from the spotlight to do the work that matters the most. Last but not least, lesson 10. Legacy is measured in people, not in points.
- [26:10]
Barrett Baker
You know, coach was always just treat people right, you know, and. And he was so big on love. You know, you got to love each other, you got to love your teammates, you got to love your family, and, and. And then what you put in, you get out of things. Not only in word, but indeed right. He did reward you if you worked hard, and he did, you know, pay off what you put into things. So I think that was a huge foundation. And I. I said it earlier, but if he believed in me, then I.
- [26:37]
Toby Brooks
Can believe in me. Across all these conversations, one thread never broke the real measure Of Coach Dick Tell me's life is not in his win loss record. It's in the literal hundreds of thousands of lives he touched and the generations he's inspired. Whether that's little girls in a gymnastics facility way back in Tucson, basketball players playing for Kelvin Ifon, my own son and daughter. The reach goes further than you could have ever imagined. If we measure our own lives only by metrics and milestones, friend, we risk missing the bigger picture. Those trophies will gather dust. Records are broken, Titles fade. But people, the ones we've helped mentor, challenged, encouraged. They're what's left to carry our legacy forward in ways that outlast anything we can win. When I started this project, deep down, I thought I was telling a football story. I did. But I've come to realize I was telling a leadership story. I kind of knew that. A loyalty story. Yeah, a little more. But a human story, a person story. I'll say it. A love story. Coach Tomahawk famously said, I love you so much, I'm going to tell you the truth. And that has stuck with me. Coach's career proves that impact isn't about where you coach, how many trophies you win, even how long you stay. It's about who you become in the process, but maybe even more importantly, who you can help others become along the way. There's that word again. Become. It's the name of the show. It's the name of this movement. Sometimes it feels like we fall apart. It's about what we do with that that matters next, who we become in response to that undoing. So I want to say this to every guest who shared their memories. Specifically, thank you, Lance Tomanaga, Mike Flores, coach Dick Vermeil, Jesse Sapolu, coach Rip Shear, coach Dino Babers, coach Dave Phipp, Rich Tomey, coach Brent Brennan, Maggie Lacombra, Barrett Baker, Kelvin Ifon, coach ken Nehemadololo and Ms. Nancy Kincaid. Each one of you have my deepest thanks and my heartfelt appreciation. It was an honor to get to hear you tell your story and every listener who's been a part of this journey. I hope these lessons find a home in your life like they have in mine. In particular, my hand is a little sore this week. I've handwritten letters just like the one Barrett Baker held up from his coach from 20 plus years ago to tell people that they matter, that I cared, that what they did for me made a difference. Most importantly, maybe to coach. Tell me if you're listening up there in heaven. Thank you for showing us the way. So I'll close with this Be purposeful, be relentless, and love your people enough to tell them the truth. That's it for part 15 and our journey through the life lessons and legacy of Coach Dick Tomey. If you'd like more info on today's episode, head on over to undonepodcast.com ep129 for show notes, photos and bonus content. These stories have impacted you like they have me. I'd love for you to share this episode or even the whole stinking series with someone who needs to hear it. A teammate, co worker, friend. It's one way we can help keep Coach's legacy alive. And if you've been following along, you know this show isn't just about football. It's about life, leadership, purpose. So if you've been weathering your own purpose storms and you're ready to step into your next chapter, I'd love to help out. Reach out to me@tobyndonpodcast.com I'd love to connect. Whether you're a coach or an educator building culture from the ground up, a business leader trying to align your team with purpose, or someone who's in personal transition wondering what's next and how to rebuild, I offer keynotes workshops one on one coaching built around the very principles Coach told me lived every day and that I've developed over decades of working with high achievers, including now 129 episodes of this podcast alone. People first, leadership, clarity of purpose and a relentless pursuit of growth. Thrilled to say that I'm now a Maxwell Leadership Certified Coach and I'd love to be a part of your journey. Go to tobyjbrooks.com Click that contact tab and let me know how I can help before we get out of here. One other quick bit of news. The show keeps growing and this week we again peaked at number seven globally for Self Improvement on Apple Podcasts. So be sure to tell a friend. Share an episode. Dig back through the whole catalog of episodes to hear more about high achievers who didn't let failure or setback stand in their way of eventual victory. Next up on Becoming Undone, I'll have former college basketball player turned high school athletic trainer Jacqueline Emery, who talked to us about how the end of her athletic career in impacted her identity and continues to inform her practice today as a healthcare provider. We'll follow that one up with the story of author Nick Peck, who overcame childhood abuse and incredible adversity on his path to becoming a successful college athlete, an award winning journalist and the author of Only Way out. This and more Coming up on Becoming Undone. Becoming Undone is a Nitrohype creative production written and produced by me, Toby Brooks. Follow along on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn at becomingundonepod and at tobyjbrooks. Check out my link tree at linktr.ee tobyjbrooks. Subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio or wherever you get your podcasts. Till next time friend. Keep getting better. Sa Sam SA.