Arizona is Annoyed of The Snowbirds #136

Summary

Bellied Up Podcast Episode #136: Arizona is Annoyed of The Snowbirds

Release Date: January 23, 2025
Hosts: You Betcha Guy (Myles) & Charlie Berens

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Welcome to another uproarious episode of the Bellied Up podcast, where Emmy-winning comedian Charlie Berens and Myles, the You Betcha Guy, engage in side-splitting banter while addressing live callers from the Midwest and beyond. In Episode #136, titled "Arizona is Annoyed of The Snowbirds," the hosts delve into a variety of comedic topics ranging from identity swaps and construction hiring woes to the cultural dynamics between Midwesterners and Arizona residents. Here's a detailed breakdown of the episode's key segments and highlights.

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1. Episode Kickoff & New Features (00:00 - 01:24)

The episode begins with Myles announcing exciting new features for the Bellied Up community:

• Voicemail Line Introduction (00:00 - 01:24):
  Myles introduces a voicemail system, allowing listeners to leave messages 24/7 at 218-303-5095, increasing the chances of their topics being featured on the show. He emphasizes the importance of engaging and energetic submissions.

  Myles (00:45): "If you want to be on the show, call 218-303-5095."

• Video Message Submissions:
  Listeners are encouraged to send video messages via Instagram or Twitter, adding a visual element to their participation.

  Myles (01:10): "We also want to see your face. Could be a fun thing to do."

The hosts then transition into the main content with their characteristic humor.

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2. Freaky Friday Identity Swap Scenario (01:24 - 11:36)

Charlie and Myles engage in a playful discussion inspired by the movie Freaky Friday, imagining a scenario where they swap places. This segment showcases their comedic chemistry and improvisational skills.

• Initial Banter on Identity Swap (01:24 - 03:04):
  The duo humorously debates the feasibility and consequences of swapping lives, with Charlie expressing reluctance.

  Charlie (02:17): "I'll babysit you, do whatever you want."

• Humorous Consequences of Swapping (03:04 - 05:01):
  Charlie outlines absurd actions he would take if he were in Myles's shoes, including sabotaging work equipment and altering personal environments.

  Charlie (03:33): "I would get on that forklift and I would just put it through a wall."

• Small Talk vs. Big Talk (06:07 - 09:33):
  The conversation shifts to the art of small talk transitioning into more meaningful "big talk," with insightful and funny takes on social interactions.

  Charlie (07:18): "Big talk is when you've got that interest, that genuine curiosity."

• Cheerleading and Social Dynamics (10:03 - 11:36):
  Myles envisions himself as a cheerleader at one of Charlie’s shows, leading the crowd in humorous antics.

  Charlie (10:12): "They got the cheerleader clap."

This segment is filled with quick-witted exchanges and situational comedy, setting a lively tone for the episode.

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3. Caller Ben's Construction Hiring Advice (17:14 - 33:43)

In this segment, a caller named Ben from Ohio seeks advice on hiring construction workers. Myles and Charlie respond with comical and satirical tips, blending humor with exaggerated stereotypes.

• Hilarious Hiring Criteria (17:32 - 21:14):
  The hosts offer tongue-in-cheek suggestions, such as hiring individuals with "crippling addictions" or observing the cleanliness of trucks as indicators of job suitability.

  Myles (18:04): "First you got to check and see if they have a pulse."

• Creative Sarcasm on Worker Traits (22:13 - 26:46):
  They continue mocking conventional hiring practices by suggesting absurd qualities like entrepreneurial spirit tied to stealing equipment.

  Charlie (22:40): "That's someone I want managing my company initiative."

• Mocking Common Interview Questions (24:11 - 27:55):
  Ben describes his current hiring process, which leads to humorous critiques from the hosts about measuring tape proficiency and other trivial skills.

  Charlie (24:53): "They're a humper."

• Closing Advice with a Twist (32:50 - 33:43):
  Ben shares a personal anecdote about his daughter's leadership skills, prompting a mix of supportive and sardonic advice from Myles and Charlie.

  Charlie (33:18): "Every parenting relationship is just a hostage situation."

This section highlights the hosts' ability to transform a straightforward query into a series of laugh-out-loud moments while subtly critiquing certain professional practices.

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4. Caller Amanda on Snowbirds in Arizona (37:36 - 53:07)

Amanda, a listener from Arizona, discusses her experiences with Midwesterners (referred to as "Snowbirds") relocating to Phoenix. This leads to a lively conversation about cultural differences, driving habits, and lifestyle clashes.

• Cultural Clash and Driving Issues (37:36 - 43:39):
  Amanda expresses frustration with Midwestern driving behaviors in Arizona, sparking a humorous debate between the hosts.

  Charlie (41:04): "You just look at the Culver's."

• Positive Acknowledgments Amidst Gripes (42:29 - 44:45):
  Despite the complaints, Amanda acknowledges the kindness of Midwesterners, creating a balanced and relatable discussion.

  Amanda (51:14): "They're two of the greatest people that I've ever known."

• Comedic Insights on Adaptation (45:02 - 53:07):
  Amanda shares her journey of adapting to Arizona life, prompting Myles and Charlie to offer both comedic solidarity and exaggerated suggestions for maintaining Midwestern identity.

  Charlie (48:45): "We hope that the Midwesterners get, get the message here."

The interaction underscores the humorous tension between different regional cultures while celebrating the enduring spirit of the listeners.

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5. Voicemail from Shay and Charles Buchanan (53:07 - 62:40)

The episode features a humorous voicemail from Shay and Charles Buchanan, a couple struggling to retain their Midwestern identities after moving to California. Myles and Charlie respond with their signature satire, offering over-the-top advice to help them "stay themselves."

• Voicemail Content (53:07 - 54:41):
  Shay and Charles express concerns about losing their Midwestern quirks, such as their love for cheese curds and traditional hobbies, to the Californian lifestyle.

  Shay (53:25): "We haven't had cheese curds in, like, months."

• Satirical Response and Mock Advice (54:47 - 60:45):
  The hosts provide a series of comical recommendations, including abandoning yoga and indulging in stereotypical Midwestern activities to combat their cultural shift.

  Charlie (55:18): "They gotta start with the Midwest."

• Humorous CTA and Closing Remarks (60:45 - 62:40):
  Myles and Charlie wrap up the voicemail segment by wishing Shay and Charles well, peppered with their usual playful jabs and witty remarks.

  Charlie (62:40): "Watch for deer. And tip your bartender."

This voicemail segment exemplifies the show's ability to intertwine listener interactions with humor, creating a relatable and entertaining narrative.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Myles on New Voicemail Feature (00:45):
  "If you want to be on the show, call 218-303-5095."

• Charlie on Identity Swap (02:17):
  "I'll babysit you, do whatever you want."

• Myles on Dependable Workers (18:18):
  "If they got child support payments, they're gonna need a paycheck the next week."

• Amanda on Midwestern Friends (51:47):
  "Melissa and Sean... they're two of the greatest people that I've ever known."

• Charlie on Cultural Persistence (55:13):
  "They gotta start with the Midwest."

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Conclusion

Episode #136 of the Bellied Up podcast masterfully blends humor with relatable life scenarios, from identity swaps and professional dilemmas to cultural migrations. Charlie Berens and Myles navigate each topic with comedic flair, engaging listeners with their quick wit and genuine camaraderie. Whether you're a Midwesterner adapting to Arizona or someone grappling with everyday challenges, this episode offers laughter and lighthearted advice to belly up to the bar and enjoy the conversation.

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Stay Connected:
To participate in future episodes, follow Bellied Up on Instagram for call-in times and updates.

Transcript

[Miles]

Guys, we got big news in the Bellied up world. We now have a voicemail line. We know that it can be frustrating to call in and wait for a long time. We hear you. That stinks. So by including the voicemail line, it will allow everyone to get a chance to have their topic heard. We'll listen to the voicemails, then line up calls with the ones that we love. This means the more interesting your topic and the more energy that you bring increases your chances of being featured on the show. So if you want to be on the show, call 218-303-5095. You can call in 24. 7. And again, the number is 218-303-5095. If you forget the number, it's in the description of the podcast, so don't worry. Also, guys, we are accepting video messages for Bellied up. So if you want to show us something or just want to ask a simple question, DM your video to the Bellied up Instagram. That's at belliedup pod on Instagram. Or tag us on Twitter slx. Not only do we want to hear your voice, we also want to see your face. Could be a fun thing to do. So send your videos on in ask a question, show us something cool. We'll maybe have you on the podcast. Cheers. Enjoy the episode. All right, folks, welcome back to another episode of the Bellied up podcast. I'm here with Charlie.

[Charlie]

We are bellied up to the bar at the Mars Cheese Castle. Woo. Cheese aliens live here.

[Miles]

Did you happen to have some of the sugar coated cheese curds Hopped up.

[Charlie]

Hopped up. Miles, I'm just busting at the seams here. So, Miles, how are you doing today?

[Miles]

I'm doing good, how are you?

[Charlie]

Good. I like you. Not in a weird way. Just letting you know. It's nice being here with my buddy.

[Miles]

Yeah, Charlie, I. We were talking. You ever seen the movie Freaky Friday?

[Charlie]

Yes. No, but I get the concept.

[Miles]

Why'd you lie?

[Charlie]

Because it's more fun that way. Yes. Handed you.

[Miles]

Well, Freaky Friday, they switch places. Oh, at least I right, I'm remembering that correctly.

[Charlie]

You didn't see it either. You lying Sega shite. What's wrong with you?

[Miles]

Let's just imagine that Freaky Friday is about two people switching places.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Miles]

Yeah, getting that.

[Charlie]

Trading Places. I've seen that movie.

[Miles]

Yeah, wife swap type of situation.

[Charlie]

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

[Miles]

You swap wise.

[Charlie]

Okay, so imagine if instead of your.

[Miles]

Wife, it was just your buddy that you were actually switching places with.

[Charlie]

So I'm switching places with you.

[Miles]

Yeah. So, Charlie, if you could. If we switch places. Little freaky Friday ask situation. Yeah, that we think.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

What would you do for a week?

[Charlie]

Well, first of all, I would look at and very respectfully and say, we're not getting that freaky this Friday. And.

[Miles]

Yeah, that's right.

[Charlie]

I would say. And can I help with the child? Can I do anything? I'll babysit you, do whatever you want. And all today and. No, I'm not in the mood, honey. No, not in the mood for at least another week. I. I think I might be gay, Actually. I didn't mean to tell you that. I like Charlie a lot.

[Miles]

I want to try it out for a week.

[Charlie]

I appreciate your patience in this relationship, but. Yeah, no, I would not. And I would sleep on the davenport. I would do everything I could to be mean. And then. And then what I would do is I would go into that bunk, that workplace that you have, and I would get on that forklift and I would just put it through a wall. I would just see how. How much power that thing's got. Because I don't have to deal with the foundation issues after. After I'm gone, man. What else would I do? God, there's someone. I go to your lake house and I would take your boat and I would drive it to my place and. And then I would go to the golf course and I would. I would play barefoot in the winter is what I would do, you know, because I actually don't know why I just said that. That just came out. I had two ideas and they just conflated each other. But anyways, I think I just. I would tell in, hey, I gotta leave you for a week. Because I would not do anything. I would just take your boat, take it to my house. Then I would do. I would do. I would do some miles stuff. I would be like, okay, okay. I would do the miles. Okay. Like anytime. You could tell? Yeah, that's it. Okay. You could tell. Miles, Miles, I just killed your pet kitten. He'd be like, okay.

[Miles]

And that is because I am stoic. You are. I like to, you know me. I. I keep a great temperament.

[Charlie]

You're the stoic guy. I've seen some on stoic moments.

[Miles]

I almost got in his face. Well, he's brought up my wife.

[Charlie]

Well, I just wanted to make sure you knew that I was going to be respectful. All right? So that's what I would do. What would you do if you were freaky on this Friday?

[Miles]

In my position, I was Charlie Barron's. For a week. I. I would take a little bit different approach. I would.

[Charlie]

I'm telling Randa and I'm telling her. I'm telling her that it's happening and that she should know that if I start acting weird, start eating a lot more cheese.

[Miles]

This is a week where should know. This is a week where you're on tour, Charlie. You're not at home. Okay, all right, that's. Let's get that out of the way. All right? Respect.

[Charlie]

That's what's up.

[Miles]

So what I would do is I would just love to experiment with the art of small talk. Because you got it mastered. I'm you. I now have assumed all of your skills.

[Charlie]

Wow. Who do you small talk?

[Miles]

So, I mean, I. Well, one. It's amazing you're able to get everything done that you do in your life, considering how much you love to small talk.

[Charlie]

Well, I like chit. I like the fine art of the chit chat.

[Miles]

And Miles, I know, and I would love. I. You're happy just bellying up to a bar and chit chatting for six hours about which fishing lures someone uses.

[Charlie]

Well, I'm actually. That's big talk, Miles, because I'm genuinely concerned.

[Miles]

Okay, sorry. See, I don't even know the difference. So, Charlie, what is the difference between big talk and small talk?

[Charlie]

Oh, well, that's a great question. Well, big talk. Big talk is when you've got that interest, okay, that. That genuine curiosity, and you get that small talk. He said. Oh, yeah. How are you doing? Yeah, good. Nice to see you. Hey, tell your mom I says hi. How's she doing, by the way? Oh, yeah, no kidding. Oh, you guys are up on that lake. You got that lake up north. Now, as soon as they tell me about their lake house, that transitions from small talk to big talk. Because I want to know where the lake is. I want to know if I've been there. I want to know what the walleye bite is. You know, I want to know the general area of town. If there's good hunting around there, then I'm in an area of interest. So you got to find your area of interest in the small talk.

[Miles]

You ever had a little dog running around the house and all of a sudden you open a can of anything?

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

And their ears perk up.

[Charlie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Miles]

That's what big talk is.

[Charlie]

Big talk.

[Miles]

You use small talk to initiate big talk, and as soon as something perks your ears up a little bit, you're now in big talk mode.

[Charlie]

Yeah, it's foreplay. Miles, foreplay. Like, you got. You know, you got to wrestle around a little bit before you get ready to go.

[Miles]

Well, that's another question. Can small talk lead to fore. Big talk?

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah. Are you talking about, like, fornication, big talk or just. Oh, yeah.

[Miles]

So what's the art of romantic small talk and big talk?

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah. Like, hey, how are you doing? What are you drinking? Yeah, real good. She'll have another or he'll have another. We don't judge here.

[Miles]

This week.

[Charlie]

Yeah, this week.

[Miles]

Freaky Friday.

[Charlie]

This week. Yeah. You know, and then. And then you say, I like that shirt. Where'd you get that shirt? If they got that shirt at the Goodwill. Big talk city, baby.

[Miles]

So if I coach me here, you said, I like that shirt. If you were to say, I'd like that shirt better if it was on the floor in my bedroom. Is that too much?

[Charlie]

Think I do. Are we still on Freaky Friday?

[Miles]

No. This is just a general question now. Is that too much big talk? Is that. You know.

[Charlie]

Miles, you can't go right from shirt to shirt on floor. Okay. You're going to walk the line of the sexual hero embarrassment. Okay.

[Miles]

All right.

[Charlie]

Yeah. I mean, good. You've been out of the game too long, my guy. I don't know what it was like back in the day.

[Miles]

That would have killed.

[Charlie]

Yeah. And that poor girl, man. That poor gal.

[Miles]

Oh, yeah.

[Charlie]

I might small talk with Anne, though, in the Freaky Friday situation. Just play with some small talk.

[Miles]

I think that. I think if I were you, I'd get up on stage at one of your shows, and I would just hammer the How Big's Milwaukee Joke.

[Charlie]

Oh, no. And then I just read the reviews on Ticketmaster after. I'm like, what the hell happened?

[Miles]

I'd get the whole crowd to do the wave. It's on my bucket list. I would love to be a wave starter. Not one in the crowd, but someone who's running, pointing at the crowd to get them to do the wave on the field.

[Charlie]

Yeah, one of the. You know what?

[Miles]

I want to be the. The cheerleader with the flag running.

[Charlie]

I was just gonna say, dude, you give me big male cheerleader energy, like you really do. You're the guy.

[Miles]

Let's go. Let's. Give me a team name.

[Charlie]

Packers.

[Miles]

Give me a Wildcats. Let's go, Cats. Come on. Got blue and gold, blue and gold. Go, Cats, go.

[Charlie]

And then all the.

[Miles]

That's all they do. They. They do this. They don't clap normal, right? A normal person claps like this. Cheerleaders clap. Like this.

[Charlie]

They got the cheerleader clap.

[Miles]

They do a weird cup of their hands.

[Charlie]

You'd have, like, the tight shorts on that are like.

[Miles]

And you got to do the.

[Charlie]

You.

[Miles]

You clap, and then you do the one step forward and throw your hands in the air. That's all. That's all cheerleading is.

[Charlie]

Yeah, I always, like. There's always a male cheerleader, too. That's, you know, a healthier fella, you know, and he's got the shirt that's a little tight, and when he's holding the gallop, he's got his belly out a little, you know? I love that guy. There's one. There's one of them in every sense. It's the male cheerleader that likes his beer.

[Miles]

Have you ever noticed, too, that male cheerleaders, they. Well, one, they get assigned with the little megaphones.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

It's 20, 24. Why don't we just actually using the electronic megaphone?

[Charlie]

Because it rains at games.

[Miles]

That's true. Yeah. But they use the big cones. Right. Have you ever noticed that they never yell it straight on? Yeah, they're, like, always to the side.

[Charlie]

Oh, I'm talking about.

[Miles]

They never just take the megaphone and go straight on. They always got it to the side. Yelling.

[Charlie]

They play it like a flute.

[Miles]

Yeah. It's very strange.

[Charlie]

Weird.

[Miles]

Weird male cheerleader behavior.

[Charlie]

I don't know how we got on that topic here, but I'm glad we did. It's been nice to get on this journey with you, Miles. Well, should we take some calls?

[Miles]

I think we should.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

Can we switch back?

[Charlie]

Oh, switch back to.

[Miles]

I don't love all the paranoia about AI and the government.

[Charlie]

Let's do it. Like, what if we were? Let's change right now. Let's pretend I'm you and you're me right now. Let's do it. Well, Charlie. All right.

[Miles]

Oh, that's a nice little. What do you call one of those guys? Mugs.

[Charlie]

Hey, hey, Are you done? We're working here, huh?

[Miles]

What do you.

[Charlie]

That's not how I talk, dude. Why are you doing that? Why are you. Why are you Joe Bidening the mouth for me?

[Miles]

You give. You got a little bit of Joe Biden mouth.

[Charlie]

No, I don't. No, I don't. Do I. Do I have jump by a mouth? What is wrong with you?

[Miles]

Hey there, guy.

[Charlie]

That's not how I do it.

[Miles]

Oh, yeah? You were fishing down in Kenosha. Well, what do you. What were you. What do you have on the reel?

[Charlie]

That's a good character. That's not Me. That's not me.

[Miles]

Yeah, you have a couple two tree beers. It's funny because instead of saying two, three, you say two tree.

[Charlie]

You stay with that. Stay with that. I. I'm gonna be my dead character. You keep being. Whatever the hell that is. Yeah. How you doing there, Layer?

[Miles]

Oh, hey there, guy. How are you?

[Charlie]

Oh, I'm doing real good. How are you?

[Miles]

Oh, you're not my dad. You're just.

[Charlie]

I'm just a dad.

[Miles]

Oh, hey there, guy.

[Charlie]

Yeah, good to see you.

[Miles]

On the way in, you watch for deer or. No.

[Charlie]

Oh, I saw some deer.

[Miles]

Oh, did you?

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

Where'd you find him at?

[Charlie]

Oh, I gotta tell you. So I'm going down 94, right. You know, right past Eau Claire, where they got the speed traps.

[Miles]

Clean.

[Charlie]

Police officer, you know anyone of them? Got me.

[Miles]

I knew I smelled bacon.

[Charlie]

Yeah. So he pulled me over, you know, he pulled me over. I said to him, you see a deer out there? He said, I didn't see no deer. I says, well, that's why I was going fast. I was trying to avoid the deer.

[Miles]

He says, well, explanation.

[Charlie]

He said, you know, he says to me, he says, I can't let you off the ticket. I says, oh, I bet you can let me off.

[Miles]

And then you.

[Charlie]

I got him off and he got me off. You know, I'm just kidding. I'm teasing.

[Miles]

I would have gone with a squeaky cheese curd.

[Charlie]

Oh, would you have given him a squeaky cheese curd right out of the glove box there?

[Miles]

Oh, yeah. Right next to the. The brat holder in the.

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah.

[Miles]

Where the sunglasses usually go.

[Charlie]

Yeah, that's clever. That's really funny.

[Miles]

The rest of us, we use it for a brat holder.

[Charlie]

Yeah, you use it for a broad holder. I like that. You know, you're a funny guy. Yeah? Yeah. How'd you feed them the cheese curds? You do it communion style. In the hands or the mouth?

[Miles]

The body of Christ.

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Have you gotten church recently or. No? Well, you're a man of God?

[Miles]

Depends on what you call church. Father Tom was bellied up to the bar across the way.

[Charlie]

Oh, well, that'll work.

[Miles]

And I'm not talking about the drinks.

[Charlie]

What are you talking about?

[Miles]

Confession.

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Would you confess you had any sins?

[Miles]

Well, I would. I parked too close with my boat fishing the other day.

[Charlie]

Hey, did you.

[Miles]

You go fishing? What kind of lures?

[Charlie]

Oh, I'm glad. Yeah. So first of all, are we looking for multi spec action on one lure? Because if that's the case, I'm going with them little mep spinner bits.

[Miles]

Oh, are you now? Maps.

[Charlie]

Great. Yeah, yeah. You can get.

[Miles]

You can get [e-mail] they got a MEPs real.

[Charlie]

Sure do. Sure do. Grandpa Bob's tackle box.

[Miles]

Wrote a book that's a thousand pages long.

[Charlie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Miles]

It'll take you, you know, one drive across Wisconsin. Should get you to a quarter of the way through that thing.

[Charlie]

Well, you can listen on 1.2 speed and maybe that'll happen. That now I gotta tell though, if you.

[Miles]

Yeah, I got an audiobook too. You have an audiobook?

[Charlie]

I do have an audio. You were not supposed to be playing me there. You changed the game. You changed the game.

[Miles]

Who is listening to the Midwest Survival God audiobook? It's a very visual book.

[Charlie]

It is a very visual book. And I got to be honest with you, the audiobook, it's hit or miss. Because when I do the listing thing, that's. I mean that some people put that on to go to sleep though.

[Miles]

Yeah, yeah. I'm be honest. I lost the character there for a minute.

[Charlie]

Yeah, you found it again. You found it. You lost it. You know, we're getting there, Miles. We're getting there. When was the last time you think they checked that smoke alarm in this bar?

[Miles]

There we go. There's that ADHD Barron's we know.

[Charlie]

I just want to go up there and give it a pop just to see if it's going. Is that smoke alarm good? Did we tested it recently?

[Miles]

It's a carbon.

[Charlie]

Oh, that's a. Is that a carbon monoxide detector?

[Miles]

Oh, God. Is that a carbon monoxide? You know, that's actually. They say that's a silent killer.

[Charlie]

That is a silent killer.

[Miles]

Watch out for that.

[Charlie]

No buddy of mine, Miles, it's odorless.

[Miles]

You can't even smell it.

[Charlie]

You can't. No. But a buddy of mine, I tell you, he fell asleep and he was woken to the loudest sound he's ever heard. It was the carbon monoxide thing. Saved his damn life. He had an internal fireplace in his house and he installed it himself. So it got a little into the house all night, just blowing it right there. And then he almost died. He almost died. He woke up with a crippling headache. He had to open all the windows, sleep outside for an hour. It was called out. Anyway, should we take some callers?

[Miles]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Guys, Ben is a construction recruiter. Oh. Out of Ohio. And he is wondering what is the. What. What type of hires should he be looking for? Is that correct, Ben?

[Ben]

You know, I'm trying to find out how to do my job. Basically I need your help, Miles. I'm trying to find the right balance of getting the guys in here and the good people in here to these jobs so that we can get everything done and just have the right amount of degenerates in there to get the job done right. Well, so I need your help.

[Miles]

You're on the right track using the D word because that's really what you're looking for, the old degens. So let's go through it, Charlie.

[Charlie]

Let's do it.

[Miles]

This is what you should look for if you're hiring someone for a construction company. 1 First you got to check and see if they have a pulse. Oh, if they got a Pulse, you're about 90% of the way.

[Charlie]

What if the body in their trunk doesn't have a pulse?

[Miles]

That it's kind of a don't ask, don't tell situation, Charles.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Miles]

That's just the stuff that we don't want it, we don't want to hear about what you're doing outside of work.

[Charlie]

I get it, I get it. So non, non issue right there.

[Miles]

I think another one you, you, you're going to want to look for is someone with child support payments. Because I, you probably know this in the construction world, payday, payday comes, you don't see them the next Monday, do ya?

[Ben]

That's it.

[Miles]

And if they got child support payments, they're gonna need a paycheck the next week. So they're more likely to stick around for longer.

[Charlie]

Dependable. Dependable with dependence. Yes, yes, yes.

[Ben]

With dependent equals more dependable. Got it.

[Charlie]

You're not looking for dependable, you're looking Dependent.

[Miles]

Yes. 100% dependent. You're also going to want to look for someone who has a crippling alcohol addiction.

[Charlie]

Oh wow.

[Miles]

Or any sort of crippling addiction because then that job's going to give them a sense of purpose.

[Charlie]

Oh, that's good.

[Miles]

What it's all about.

[Ben]

Okay.

[Charlie]

I think before you conclude the interview, you walk out to their truck with them and you open up their passenger door and if cans are not spilling out, you know you got a problem. These should be monster energy drink cans.

[Miles]

Chuck wagon wrappers.

[Charlie]

Yup. They should be a bunch of empty Zinn tins and there should be a few spent zins sticking to the door that they just took out of their mouth and threw at the door like a spitball.

[Ben]

But just right, right outside the door there really be looking for the Zen's and what's you know, right outside the car.

[Miles]

Yeah. If stuff's not barreling out of the passenger seat, you don't, you know, I don't know if you want that person. You don't want a neat freak on the job site.

[Charlie]

And yes, if they roll up and.

[Ben]

The truck is too clean, then there, that's an obvious sign.

[Miles]

Wave the red flag, Charlie.

[Charlie]

Yeah. That guy's an engineer hiding out.

[Miles]

It's also. You're also going to want to find someone who's had their driver's license revoked at some point, maybe a dewey or some sort of criminal behavior behind the wheel. That way, when they don't show up for work, you know exactly where to find them. They're going to be at home. Yeah. Or in jail. You just. You got one or two places to find them, and that's it.

[Ben]

That's good. I think we're working on some jails right now, so just, you know, just easy and easy out right there.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

And then all you got to do is buy one van and shuttle around the the city before the workday starts and pick everyone up.

[Ben]

There it is. Save on gas. It's good for everyone.

[Miles]

What else should a good construction hire have, Charlie?

[Charlie]

Well, I think if you look at his boots, that's a good indicator right now. If this fella has a new pair of boots, you're getting them too green right there. You know what's interesting is, is so I used to be a bike mechanic.

[Miles]

Not a construction job.

[Charlie]

I know, but I'm asking if there's a little overlap here. When I was a bike mechanic, the people that kind of were the best mechanics would come up with creative ways to make bongs out of bike frames. And so I'm wondering if there is an equivalent here in the construction deal, like if there's something that people do when they're not doing work, you know, to be a little creative with the equipment. Are people making anything that is maybe helpful outside of the construction job, using the materials at the construction site?

[Miles]

Oh, yeah, that brings up a good point. You want someone who steals equipment.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

And the reason why is because then you want to see. You want. You're thinking about hiring them for the long term. And you want entrepreneurial spirit because they're gonna steal that equipment from you and try and flip it on Facebook, Marketplace, or Craigslist. That is the entrepreneurial spirit you're looking for. That's someone I want managing my company initiative.

[Charlie]

That's great.

[Ben]

Here it is.

[Charlie]

That's great.

[Ben]

Seeing the opportunities.

[Charlie]

I like it. Positive can you tell good construction hire by the truck? They drive miles.

[Miles]

Yeah. If it's got two wheels and pedals on it, that's a good sign. Straight back to the having their leg ranger.

[Ben]

I love it.

[Miles]

S10 is good. I. I used to work concrete with a guy who had an S10, and it was his little baby, and he. I don't know where he found them, but he thought it was hilarious that he found stickers to put on the back that look like bullet holes. So that was pretty sick. He was. He was one step away from truck nuts. The guy's got some truck nuts. You're gonna want to hire that guy before someone else nabs him up.

[Ben]

Love it.

[Charlie]

Love it.

[Ben]

We actually had our apartment complex. We had a bunch of buddies and truck nuts. We actually have a traveling truck nuts that we would try to hide in each other's apartments.

[Miles]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Each time.

[Miles]

The brotherhood of the traveling truck nuts. I. It's a great book. If you haven't read it.

[Ben]

I think we got something going on there.

[Miles]

Tell us what your current hiring process is, and we'll tell you if you're on the right track.

[Ben]

You know, bring them. Bring them on in after we get, like, an application, which I know is probably the first problem there. Waiting for an application.

[Miles]

Yeah, don't wait.

[Ben]

And then getting them. Getting them in here then. And then I do. I do make everyone try to read a measuring tape.

[Miles]

That.

[Ben]

That's a tough one. The tough one. Especially for my concrete guys.

[Miles]

There's plenty of jobs to do on the job site that don't require thinking, man. That's going to weed out all of the good grunt work.

[Charlie]

They're a humper.

[Ben]

It's wild. I've had. I've had a few people are like, how. How far apart are these studs supposed to be on this wall? And they stare at the wall like it's gonna have x ray vision all of a sudden.

[Miles]

Charlie, how far away should your studs be?

[Charlie]

Oh, you should have them 16 or 24 inches or 2 foot or whatever you got. It really depends on the age of the building.

[Miles]

From end to end or on center?

[Charlie]

Oh, on center.

[Ben]

Oh, look at this. Charlie, I got a job for you here.

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm coming. Hey. Miles opened up my truck and he said I'd be a good hire on the construction side.

[Miles]

Say that he did have stuff barrel out of his truck.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Look, Charlie, you know, this is originally a call for Miles. I thought more of thinking his. His way, but, you know, you're talking about you're in Columbus a lot. You know, you're around here and everything. Seems like any other side job needs some new material. Right?

[Charlie]

You know, that's. I've done Habitat for Humanity before, so I know my way around a. A good.

[Miles]

Yeah, what. What tool do you know your way around?

[Charlie]

I know my way around. I. Dude, I built a whole workben.

[Miles]

Almost finished it. Work.

[Charlie]

No, it's finished. By this point in the podcast, it's done. I built a lot of stuff, none of it good, but I built a lot of stuff. I framed a bunch of rooms, you know, not good. I put up drywall. It ain't gone very good, but, you know, it's still up. It's still standing.

[Miles]

All right, I like that.

[Ben]

Did you finish that drywall? Did you finish it?

[Charlie]

Yeah, I mean, it's. Yeah, I finished plenty of dry. I grew up doing that stuff. Not very well, but I grew up doing it. I tell you this. I spliced my first extension cord when I was about 8 years old.

[Miles]

That's pretty good.

[Charlie]

Yeah, it was still plugged into the wall, but I freaking spliced it.

[Miles]

Is that why you're still scatterbrained?

[Charlie]

I did get electrocuted. If you guys spliced in an extension cord and it's plugged into the wall, you get kicked back like you get. I mean, it's not messing around. Shouldn't I used a butter knife to do it? That didn't allow me any kind of protection from the electrocution at all. At least a standard knife.

[Miles]

I was standing in the tub with my butter knife. The toaster plugged in as well, plugged into the extension cord.

[Ben]

Oh, my gosh.

[Miles]

Yeah. You got any other things that you do while you're hiring?

[Ben]

I'm gonna say as the big ones there and then obviously on the job teaching some more. More things and everything. But I do, I do have something else for you guys. If you got.

[Miles]

If I got a time, let's do it.

[Ben]

Let's get a new thing. So I've got a six year old daughter, she's in kindergarten, and I got her at her parent teacher conference. And on her grave card on the areas of improvement, it said, use her leadership skills for good.

[Miles]

That sounds like something would have been written on my report card.

[Charlie]

Did you ask for any clarification on that?

[Ben]

You know what? Honestly, I got it and I read it and I was like, yep, I got it. I understand.

[Miles]

If it was me, if my that got written on, my kids would be like, so you're saying He's a leader. Proud of you, son.

[Ben]

About to say she got extra candy that day for sure.

[Miles]

Okay, but what would.

[Ben]

What would your. What would your advice for your kids. Kids. Real or hypothetical there? B. After you. How would that conversation look like?

[Miles]

Well, I think you. You know, every time I think a parent. Teacher conferences, I first don't look at the kid. It's probably not the kid's fault. It's probably the teacher's problem, you know?

[Charlie]

Wow, spoken like a real parent.

[Ben]

Look at that transition there.

[Miles]

You know, my kid's perfect, so it's got to be something wrong with the teacher. You know, what happened when they were in kindergarten that they're now taking out on my kids, you know?

[Charlie]

Yeah, it was. So what would it. It said on the report card she had good leadership. What was the exact language again?

[Miles]

Used her leadership skills for good.

[Charlie]

I just see her like. Like rallying people on the playground, you know, Like.

[Miles]

Yeah, it's like.

[Ben]

Yeah, she's like. She's got a kindergarten union that.

[Miles]

She'S holding. Like, she's doing holdouts around lunch. Just. They're doing, like, where all the kids are starving themselves until they get cookies again.

[Charlie]

A hunger strike.

[Miles]

Yeah, hunger strike.

[Ben]

Hunger strike until it's chocolate chip. No, these are sugar cookies.

[Miles]

Yeah. She's handing out candy to all the kids, getting them super hyper because they. She wants to institute a snack or institute a nap time during the day.

[Charlie]

She's got a locker where she just holds all the chocolate milk she stole from the lunchroom. She's got a little racket going.

[Ben]

Yeah, I'm gonna tell you this, too. She's a little bit intimidating because I don't know if you've been around six year olds recently, but she has calluses on her hands or whatever from the monkey bars.

[Miles]

Oh, my God, dude.

[Ben]

So, like, she's. She's pretty hardcore.

[Miles]

In an honest truth. Your daughter's gonna be fine.

[Charlie]

She's gonna be fine.

[Miles]

She's gonna be running some large company at some point and just crushing it.

[Charlie]

Or a cartel. We're not sure which yet. Yeah, either way.

[Miles]

Making quite a bit of moolah.

[Charlie]

That gets the leadership skills from. She's proven herself to be the alpha dog on the playground. The only way you get calluses on your hands from the monkey bars, if you're doing monkey bar wars and.

[Miles]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

And she's won the. The king of the monkey. She's the queen monkey on those bars. And she's kicked every kid's ass off those bars. And that's how you become a leader, you're not born a leader. You earn that. And she earned it on her monkey bars. So congrats to her.

[Miles]

I don't know, I. I kind of feel like I could see a little bit of myself in this young chap.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

Back in my day in school, I was organizing that at 2:52, soon as the clock changes, we're all going to drop our books on the ground and it will be hilarious and it'll piss off the teacher. Or when the clock hits 1:12, let's all start getting a frog in our throat. Let's just all have a coughing attack, piss off the teacher.

[Charlie]

It about. They can't just start class at the stroke of three or something. Why is it always the even numbers?

[Miles]

Because you got to think about four minutes in between class. It's not a round number. It's trying to maximize the day, you.

[Charlie]

Know, I mean, I guess, I guess there's some division involved in that.

[Miles]

So. Yeah, I, I wouldn't be too worried. She's, well one. She's six years old. I mean, I'm not terrifying already. And then I would maybe, you know, gaslight the teacher a little bit, tell her like, so you can't handle a 6 year old. Do you know why are you delegating this to me? Shouldn't you be doing your job, teaching her stuff?

[Charlie]

In defense of the teachers, you can handle 16 year old, but 26 year olds, that's true. That's a whole other ball game.

[Miles]

Especially when there's a ringleader.

[Charlie]

Yeah. And they're right at nut height. You know, they can vary.

[Miles]

All right. At 12:53, let's all, you know, flappy arm attacks. I'll do that. Let's all do the helicopter.

[Charlie]

Sorry. I was flappy arm attacking Miles. I think I hit my kidney there.

[Miles]

I would just say Channer. Channel her into the entrepreneurial spirit I used to. Me and my buddy Drew back in the day used to hold a hacky sack tournament at that recess. $2 entry fee. The winner got half of the pot and then me and Drew split the rest of it. So, yeah, you might do a little side hustle.

[Ben]

Got it. Just kind of just push her down that way. Just lean into it.

[Miles]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Let it go. Cultivate it. Maybe she'll put me in a good home later. Who knows?

[Miles]

You have the right mentality. I wish my parents would have thought like that more.

[Charlie]

Every parenting relationship is just a hostage situation with. If you're gonna go in the home later on, be good to them so they don't put me in the home. It's a retirement community.

[Ben]

Exactly. Active. Yeah, active seniors.

[Charlie]

Well, Ben, we hope you get yourself some good construction hires. If not, just hire your daughter.

[Ben]

Thank you, gentlemen. I appreciate you guys as well. Feel like I've learned a lot in this episode, so I'll let you know how it goes. Who knows? Maybe you will hear from her when she's 15 and calling into your podcast.

[Miles]

My dad's a jackass.

[Charlie]

All right, Ben, we'll see you later, my guy.

[Miles]

Yeah, it'd be funny. She calls up and, like, gets us to join some cult. She's that. She's that charismatic.

[Charlie]

Guys, I got, like. We couldn't.

[Miles]

We couldn't. We could have. No. Kool Aid's out. Lemonade's in. She is right. She is right. God, she's charismatic.

[Charlie]

Does taste good. A little like formaldehyde.

[Miles]

You know, I do have a. A wife and kid and. But I guess we could all go live in a commune in the woods. That sounds like a good idea.

[Charlie]

I could see you getting involved in a cult.

[Miles]

No, too skeptical.

[Charlie]

It's the perfect person. Folks, it's that time of year. It's that time of year. And every time of year, frankly, is this time of year. It's the time of year where you just want to tip on back a little tippy cow. Because the beautiful thing about spring, winter, summer and fall, or autumn for some, is that tippy cow remains with you through all the four seasons. Every season, chain, turn, turn. There is a reason turn. A time to be born. A time. Oh, and we have these T shirts. Typical ass, not a cow. And for a limited time, we are giving these away to some of our callers. And you can also purchase them on ou betcha dot com. And they are slick. I mean, if you walk into a bar wearing one of those huge laugh.

[Miles]

When I held it up there, the place went up in laughter.

[Charlie]

They loved it. So make sure you get it there on. Oh, you betcha.com.

[Miles]

We need to. We need to pause for the laughter to die down on that.

[Charlie]

Sorry. Okay. And done.

[Miles]

You gotta do what every comedian does and take a drink of water when everyone's laughing.

[Charlie]

Yeah, yeah. Well, when else are you gonna do it? You got to get them cooking so you can drink. Stop making fun of us standups. It's a respectable job.

[Miles]

You guys plan those water drinks.

[Charlie]

We know where the big laughs are, Miles. Okay? We know where that. We know when we've done a good job. Some sometimes.

[Miles]

And what's the best way to Celebrate doing a good job, Charlie.

[Charlie]

Tippy cow. After I finish a show, I like to get a little tippy cow. Tip it on back. Cheers to me and cheers to you, Charlie. Hi.

[Miles]

You and I switch places. I would be on high alert for any incoming garage doors.

[Charlie]

Yes, yes.

[Miles]

Because we all know what happens when you're chuck barons and you're walking through, going into a parking garage. You're going to get smacked on the head.

[Charlie]

You know when you go in the outhole, you, things like that can happen. You get smacked in the head with the garage door. And I.

[Miles]

What did you do in that scenario?

[Charlie]

I was like, oh shit. I thought I was dead. I thought my head was cracked open. I put my head up there. There was no blood.

[Miles]

And what'd you say to the attendant?

[Charlie]

I said nothing. That's it. You say nothing. You says nothing. You call Nicolet if you get hit in the head with a garage door. Your Miranda rights read them in your head, say nothing, see nothing. Call Nicolet, tell him what happened and then he'll help you out. He'll help you. If you got a concussed, he'll help you through that.

[Miles]

And if you don't, if they don't win that, you don't pay too.

[Charlie]

You don't win, you don't pay. It's a, it's a win win situation. It's lose still win because it was free.

[Miles]

Why are you laughing at guys if you've been hit in the head with a garage door?

[Charlie]

I don't like it when you laugh at me to my face, Miles. I'm gonna call Nicolay about that. Get some emotional damages out of your ass damage. Amanda's on the phone. She's coming to us from Arizona and she says her, her Arizona deal is flooded with Midwesterners. And Amanda, is it right? You want to know what that is all about? Huh?

[Amanda]

Yeah, I'm curious. We've got culverts everywhere, we've got tortillas everywhere. What is it about Phoenix that draws everybody here aside from the absence of snow?

[Charlie]

Well, it's not just that. It's arthritis. Okay. You know, we are so true.

[Miles]

My dad's like, when I'm down there, man, my joints are feeling good.

[Charlie]

There's just something about that heat that loosens up old hammer toe. And you're just, you're like, I can walk here and not take ibuprofen. So what we're really doing is saving money on ibuprofen.

[Miles]

Like, my Paul bunions feel great right now.

[Charlie]

My Paul bunions yup that it really is a health issue for a lot of us. And also if you look in, in the Midwest, you look at heart attack rates, they spike in the winter. Something about shoveling your car out of the snow isn't good on the old ticker after you get past 65. So people like to, you know, they've, they paid their dues to the, they, they've sacrificed their, their sacrifices to the Midwest gods and it's time to go enjoy some warmer weather.

[Miles]

Well, and I think that if you're in the Midwest and you turn 55 years old, you're spending either your entire winter in Phoenix, Arizona, Scottsdale area, or you're going to somewhere in Florida.

[Charlie]

Yep, it is Arizona or Florida. That's pretty much what we do. And we go with the. They call us snowbirds because it is a migratory pattern. You know, people, I can tell the.

[Amanda]

Roads make that parent very apparent.

[Charlie]

And what's it like driving with all those Midwesterners down there?

[Amanda]

I'm not entirely certain that I have the most solid footing to talk about that as I'm from the New York metro area originally.

[Charlie]

So you didn't even drive until you got down there to Phoenix?

[Amanda]

No, no, I've been, I've been driving quite a bit, my friend in Jersey, in Rhode island, in Northern California, around the San Francisco area, out here in Phoenix. And I gotta tell you that Phoenix is awful.

[Miles]

How dare you put her in a box, Charlie.

[Charlie]

She said she's from New York. New Yorkers don't drive.

[Miles]

Dare you.

[Charlie]

They have good.

[Miles]

New Jersey.

[Charlie]

Oh, New Jersey.

[Miles]

How dare you that. How does that make you feel that Charlie just said that? Because you're from New Jersey, you're a New Yorker. How does that make you feel?

[Amanda]

I feel like the most or the majority would consider that a compliment anytime I've mentioned, like my husband loves to throw me under the bus for being from New Jersey. So, yeah, it was a bit of a compliment. You know, I guess I'll water off a duck's back.

[Charlie]

Take that Miles. Why don't you try throwing me under the bus for something else?

[Miles]

Charlie, how do you spot a Midwesterner in Phoenix, Arizona?

[Charlie]

Well, you just look at the Culver's.

[Amanda]

Drive through Culver's Drive or any golf cart that's on the street.

[Charlie]

Yeah, we honest.

[Amanda]

Yeah, yeah.

[Miles]

My dad, he, he doesn't vacation. He vacations in Southern California. Not Arizona, Palm Springs. But he rented a place and it came with a golf court. And I tell you what, this is the giddiest I've Ever seen my dad?

[Charlie]

Really?

[Miles]

He loved that thing.

[Charlie]

It's like a UTV without the balls. It's a castrated utv. That's a golf cart.

[Miles]

There's just something about, you know, in the Midwest, we like. We like going, hey, Charlie, you want to go for a drive?

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

[Miles]

And then you just spend two hours driving around, not saying anything. It's the equivalent down south. You just get in a golf cart, you drive around your little gated community and just look at stuff.

[Charlie]

Are these Midwesterners, like, really clogging up the roads with the. With the golf carts, or are they doing it in a respectful way?

[Amanda]

In Sun City, for sure, there are signs specifically. So I mentioned earlier that I'm baking. I have a small French macaron bakery, which is exactly what I'm doing right now. And one of my farmers markets is out in Sun City. And I gotta tell you guys, if I'm running late because childcare doesn't show up in time, it's an exercise in patience for certain.

[Miles]

So you're a professional baker?

[Amanda]

Yes, sir.

[Miles]

I knew you're level. You have that kind of warmth.

[Charlie]

She's doing it in the background right there. What are you chopping up there? Carrots for the carrot cake, huh?

[Amanda]

No, I'm banging on the bottom of the sheet pan. So French macarons or macaroons. Air is the enemy in the recipe, so you gotta bang out all the air bubbles so they don't pop and crack in the oven.

[Charlie]

Gotta bang out the air bubbles.

[Miles]

Sounds like something else.

[Charlie]

Yep, sounds like a euphemism. How are you? Can you.

[Amanda]

You know, it could be.

[Charlie]

Yeah. Are you going to send us some bakery? That would be really nice if you.

[Miles]

Guys have a P.O.

[Amanda]

Box. I would love to. I have Italian grandmother syndrome.

[Miles]

We don't have a P.O. box, but I can give you Charlie's home address. It is.

[Charlie]

How about we don't get that beeper in here?

[Miles]

What is. Obviously, you live down there, and you're clearly a little bit annoyed at all the Midwesterners coming down there. What is your biggest gripe to pick with the Midwesterners? Snowbirding in Arizona.

[Amanda]

I don't mean to beat a dead horse here, but honestly, it's just the driving.

[Shay]

It's.

[Amanda]

It's really just the driving. I love that everybody's so thoughtful and sweet and you can have a conversation with anybody. That is lovely, to be fair, but just the driving, man. I just. The driving.

[Charlie]

Well, we waving at you, you know, so we're not impolite. We're just going five to 10 under the speed limit because, you know, we got nowhere to go.

[Miles]

And honestly, where do you got to be other than the precious present? Living in the moment.

[Charlie]

We're teaching you to slow down. In this fast paced world, if you.

[Miles]

Don'T look around once in a while, you miss it.

[Amanda]

I do appreciate the lesson and there is something to be had in that wisdom. But, my friend, time is money.

[Charlie]

There's the jersey coming out.

[Miles]

Hey, get out of the way. Trying to get some macaroons, soldier.

[Charlie]

You just scream that in this bar? And in my ear.

[Amanda]

You also just quoted me verbatim.

[Miles]

All right, well, as someone from New Jersey, what do you think us Midwesterners can work on?

[Amanda]

On being a little more assertive.

[Miles]

Okay.

[Amanda]

A little. A little more aggressively assertive. There's a time and a place for politeness. Absolutely. But just a little bit of urgency, man. Just a little bit of urgency, okay? That's the only thing I gotta harp on.

[Miles]

Yeah. A little knees to chest. Get her moving, keep her moving.

[Charlie]

That's where it all comes full circle.

[Miles]

Well, Charlie, let's try it here. There.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Miles]

All right.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

So I own a bakery.

[Charlie]

Hey, Miles, how's it going?

[Miles]

You're here to buy some macaroons.

[Charlie]

How are you?

[Miles]

Hey, what can I get you?

[Charlie]

Ah, man, you got. Oh, it smells good here.

[Miles]

Yep, yep, we got macaroons. So what can I get you? We got a long line here.

[Charlie]

God, Lord. How much are they now?

[Miles]

450 per macaroon. That's for two.

[Charlie]

Oh, so really two of them? 220.

[Miles]

How many you want? Two. Three. Two, three, two. Four.

[Charlie]

How many you think I should get?

[Miles]

Well, I would recommend four.

[Charlie]

All right, I'll do two trees.

[Miles]

Nine dollars.

[Charlie]

Okay. All right, hang on.

[Miles]

What flavor you want?

[Charlie]

Chocolate. You got that?

[Miles]

Yeah, we got chocolate. What else?

[Charlie]

Peanut butter.

[Miles]

Peanut butter. Done.

[Charlie]

You got brandy? Old fashioned One.

[Miles]

I don't even know what that is.

[Charlie]

All right, right.

[Miles]

Sir, really, please, just make a decision.

[Charlie]

I left my wallet in the golf cart. I'll be right back. Hey, how are you doing, Tony? Hey, I saw you the other week over at the filling station, right?

[Miles]

Sir, honestly, you can just have these macaroons for free if you just keep.

[Charlie]

Are you kidding me? Sure, that's.

[Miles]

Yeah. Here you go.

[Charlie]

Hey, I got a twofer. You guys want to try one?

[Miles]

No, they're paying customers. Don't give away the free ones.

[Charlie]

All right, well. Well, I'm gonna go drive four miles an hour home. I'll see you later.

[Miles]

What should he have done differently?

[Amanda]

Him or you?

[Miles]

Hey, this is not about me.

[Charlie]

You're a bad New Jersey.

[Miles]

I was the straight man.

[Charlie]

You're a bad New Jersey.

[Miles]

Okay, well, what should I have done differently? Was I still too nice to him?

[Amanda]

Am I permitted to use some choice language?

[Miles]

Sure, 100%.

[Amanda]

Jesus Christ. What is it that I can get for you? Come on.

[Charlie]

No, you can't be taking the Lord's name in Vang like that. First of all, his middle name was James. Second of all, I'll see you in church. All right? I'm going to light a candle for you right there. Okay.

[Amanda]

Believe it or not, I was raised Irish Catholic. So both my grandmother and my grandfather just rolled over in your grave.

[Miles]

Yeah, well, cheaper Catholic. Peace be with you.

[Charlie]

Yeah. And I will raise you up on eagle's wings, Hail to the eyes of.

[Miles]

The sun, and hold you in the.

[Charlie]

Palm of his hand. Well, you weren't gonna join in with us.

[Amanda]

No, you know. No, no, it's. Gentlemen.

[Miles]

Okay.

[Charlie]

Dance then. Wherever is he? I am the Lord of the dance.

[Miles]

In the dance.

[Charlie]

Well, we gotta go to church. Clearly, we haven't been there in a while.

[Miles]

That's what all the. That's what all cap. Catholics do anyways. They don't actually sing. They just mumble and move their mouths. That's what my dad does.

[Charlie]

Yeah, that's true.

[Amanda]

Mumble, move your mouth. Put the dollar bill in the basket. Take communion. Go home.

[Charlie]

Don't miss that. Don't miss that.

[Miles]

In and out, in and out. Shake a few hands. Peace be with yous. And also with yous.

[Charlie]

Well, Amanda, all I have to say to you.

[Miles]

Amanda. We like to ask our Catholic listeners, are you a. How do you like to receive communion? I was gonna ask her if she was a tongue gal or a hand gal, and I figured that was. Yeah, that was gonna end badly. How do you like to receive your body of Christ?

[Amanda]

I feel like after the pandemic, it's only hands, but, you know, it used to be mouth.

[Charlie]

Oh, you were a mouth gal.

[Miles]

Wow, you really are Irish Catholic, aren't you? Holy smokes.

[Charlie]

Very pretentious.

[Miles]

I don't think they've done that since the 70s.

[Amanda]

Pretentious? How is that pretentious?

[Charlie]

What? Cause you're. You know. I know some people that are mouth people, and they're a little better than you. You. That's. That's what they're saying.

[Amanda]

Because of blind faith. I'm still confused.

[Miles]

Amanda, if you don't ask. Mind me asking, and trust me, There's a follow up question. When was the last time you were at church?

[Amanda]

Oh, God. Actually, to be fair, to be fair. No pun intended, I guess with that. Last October for a Catholic wedding.

[Miles]

Okay.

[Amanda]

So it had been a bit. It.

[Miles]

Do you remember when they changed the whole routine of the. They just decided that we were going to do church a different way. Do you remember that? Charlie is like, all the responses were different and people were getting it half wrong the whole time and it was a mess.

[Charlie]

Yeah, it was like five, 10 years ago. And you can always tell the Chris stars, the creasers, because they still screw it up.

[Miles]

Get those air bubbles out.

[Charlie]

Well, well, Amanda, good luck with that. Okay. And we, we, we hope that the Midwesterners get, get the message here. We hope they hear this and they pick up the pace a little down there in Arizona or maybe you slow down and enjoy life a little more. One of the two.

[Amanda]

Yeah, that's a solid piece of advice. If I may, before we go, I do have two dear friends out here that are both from the Midwest, one from Chicago. I know how you guys feel about that, but her husband is from Minnesota and they're two of the greatest people that I've ever known. We went through pregnancy together. Our babies are two months apart. We're. We vacation together all the time. They're just salt of the earth human beings. So if they're representative of, of your, where you hail from, then y'all are good people.

[Charlie]

Wow. That's.

[Miles]

What's their names? Can we give them a shout out?

[Amanda]

Sure. Melissa and Sean, though Melissa, in our text message earlier this morning, when I told them that I was doing this, she did want me to say bears.

[Miles]

Oh.

[Charlie]

Oh, my God.

[Miles]

My God, it was so good.

[Charlie]

It was nice talking to you. But your fib friends are not indicative of the Midwest, unfortunately. So makes sense you'd find a fib out there or two. And one of the.

[Miles]

When the folks are down in Arizona, where can they find your macaroons?

[Amanda]

I deliver two homes. I'm at different farmers markets, and I also ship across the country. So Manda's max is my business.

[Charlie]

Amanda's Max.

[Amanda]

We love, we love alliteration.

[Charlie]

I love it. Well, good stuff. Well, congrats on your baby. Congrats on your macaroons. And tell your fib friends we say hi.

[Amanda]

Thanks, gentlemen. I appreciate the time. Merry Christmas.

[Charlie]

Merry Christmas.

[Miles]

Merry Chrysler.

[Charlie]

Well, Miles, I gotta tell you, she's a feisty one. She is a feisty one. Yeah. And you know, I mean, look, we're on Vacation. That's what you got to remember about Midwesterners when we're invading your chose to.

[Miles]

Live in a phenomenal part of the country. It doesn't entitle you to making us speed up.

[Charlie]

Yeah, yeah. You might be living your daily life, but we are either retired or on vacation. So we're going the pace that we go, and that's. There's no bottom rungs about it. All right, Miles, is it that time when we dip into the old voicemail box?

[Miles]

Yep. We got a voicemail from Shay and Charles. It's here, Jared.

[Shay]

Hey, guys, this is Shay and Charles Buchanan. We have moved. We're in our mid-30s. We have moved to California from Minnesota, and we're about a year in of being out here in the darn west coast. And we're tragically losing our Midwest route.

[Miles]

Fruits.

[Shay]

And it's getting pretty dire. I threw out our bag of bags the other day.

[Charlie]

Oh, my gosh.

[Shay]

We go to barbecues and people eat a lot of vegetables gluten free. We haven't had cheese curds in, like, months. We were getting them from Costco when we first moved out here. And. Yeah, it's just getting pretty weird. I do yoga every day, and Chuck hasn't been out for deer season.

[Amanda]

It's just.

[Shay]

It's getting bad. So, yeah, we need your advice, and it's getting pretty serious. So if you could help us out on how to get back to our Midwest roots out here and. And stay ourselves, because we're losing it. All right, thanks, guys.

[Charlie]

Shay and Chuck, I mean, my gosh.

[Miles]

You know, we got some work to do. Charles.

[Charlie]

I mean, the fact she's doing yoga.

[Miles]

Every day eating vegetables at a barbecue. Oh, I thought those are just the things that go on the plate to make it look nice. Yeah, I couldn't know people actually ate those.

[Charlie]

No, I thought it was just pre mulch. What the hell is going on?

[Miles]

I don't know.

[Charlie]

Now, some of this stuff is very avoidable. Miles.

[Miles]

Like, but it sounds like they're even losing. They said that they used to get. Get cheese curds at the store, and now they just don't even. They don't even have the taste for it anymore.

[Charlie]

What is their doctor gonna say to them?

[Miles]

Yeah, you know, I don't know.

[Charlie]

I mean, they probably have a doctor.

[Miles]

Yeah. Yeah. What's it. They're gonna go to the doctor and he's gonna be like, oh, you guys have a good bill of health.

[Charlie]

What's the point of living?

[Miles]

Yeah, my God, what's the point of Going to doctor. If he doesn't tell you that you're gonna die soon. You know what I mean?

[Charlie]

Yeah. Yeah. Now, I think there's a few simple things they can. They can start doing. First of all, stop going to yoga.

[Miles]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

Okay. I mean, your health needs to come, like, 20th on the list of important.

[Miles]

Yes.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Miles]

There's way better ways to get healthy.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

Doing yoga, like hunting, Go walking in a field with a gun. And afterwards, drink a bunch of beer.

[Charlie]

Yeah. Just don't trip.

[Miles]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

You know. You know, that's not good. Yeah. But that. That's what happens to a lot of people when they move out to California. They're surrounded by other Californians.

[Miles]

It's kind of like your buddy starts dating a gal that's not like you and your buddies, and he starts changing.

[Charlie]

Yeah. He starts saying.

[Miles]

He starts eating vegetables and gluten free stuff and going to yoga.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

What would you do in that situation?

[Charlie]

What would I do if that.

[Miles]

Sit your buddy down.

[Charlie]

Well, you. You gotta have an intervention, A Midwest intervention. You know, it starts off with, there's a lot of cheese on the table. Okay.

[Miles]

Come on in. I don't know if you remember this, but this is cheese. So come on in. Grab yourself a curd.

[Charlie]

No, it's not good for you. Why'd you even ask that? Who taught you that kind of language?

[Miles]

See, this is what we're talking about here.

[Charlie]

Mm.

[Miles]

You can't be asking if something's good for you. What you need to do is eat the food, then go to the doctor, and then they tell you that that stuff is not good for you.

[Charlie]

Right. You can't just start being proactive about. It's a real shame. Shay and Charles said, look, we are praying for you. I'm gonna light a candle for you guys in church. Okay? Miles is gonna send you a whole gift basket with a bunch of his merchandise in it. It.

[Miles]

And no, I'm not going to do that until they can prove that they'll appreciate it. Because right now, in their current state, I don't think they would truly appreciate it.

[Charlie]

All right, you guys got to send us a cheesy. That's a cheese selfie with you eating some cheese just to prove that you're. You're trying. You're doing the steps because we can't help you unless you want to be helped. So right now with this call, it sounds like they've given up. Sounds like they've just resigned to the fact that they're.

[Miles]

Yeah. And they were kind of, like, almost bragging about it, which I don't like. Again.

[Charlie]

Did it come across as braggy?

[Miles]

Well, California to brag about.

[Charlie]

It's almost humble bragging what they're doing.

[Miles]

Correct. And that's the worst.

[Charlie]

Oh, my.

[Miles]

The worst kind of bragging. So, Charlie, to get them to swing back the other way, I think it could be one good day. It just takes one day for them to get back out on the wagon. So what do you recommend they should do with a day?

[Charlie]

Here's what they gotta do. They gotta start with the Midwest. Nice. And work out from there. Okay. They gotta start going around to people and talking to them even though they don't want to be talked to. To. Okay. They got to lift windshield wipers even though it doesn't freaking sleet out there.

[Miles]

That's true. You know, I think a way to. You know when you're trying to learn a language.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

Immersive is the best way to do it.

[Charlie]

They gotta get back here.

[Miles]

Well, one, they need to plan a trip and they need to spend seven days in a bar. Don't leave.

[Charlie]

That's. That's actually a great idea. Yeah.

[Miles]

It's kind of like our version of the ayahuasca trip, you know?

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

You go to one of these bars, you don't need the ayahuasca. You just need a bar that has got a haze of cigarette smoke in it. And that'll get you. Right. You'll see things that you've never seen before.

[Charlie]

You will.

[Miles]

You'll find out there's an alternate universe out there and it's not skinny jeans and vegan smoothies.

[Charlie]

People aren't doing skinny jeans anymore, by the way.

[Miles]

See, I can't keep up.

[Charlie]

No, I can't keep up. No.

[Miles]

What are they doing?

[Charlie]

They're doing baggy stuff now. Can you believe that? We should just never throwing our crap away from the earth early 2000s.

[Miles]

That's true.

[Charlie]

What you wore in eighth grade is hot again. Well, maybe for you fifth grade. But anyways, regardless.

[Miles]

So you mean my plaid shorts are going to come back into.

[Charlie]

Well, I don't think those are ever coming back. Especially because they got those stains on them.

[Miles]

What about the zip off pants?

[Charlie]

Oh, those. I mean, honestly, did those ever go out of style?

[Miles]

You're right.

[Charlie]

You know. True, true. Let's send them a starter jacket and see what happens. Yeah, but I feel sorry for him. We see this happen a lot. And folks, it's just a PSA portion of the show. If you do have to move away, make sure your mind doesn't Move away. Okay. You know how you sometimes around here, people get those alarm clocks that open up with the sun, you know, in the winter, so you don't get depressed.

[Miles]

Yep.

[Charlie]

Do the reverse. You need a gloom clock. You just need a clock that wakes you up with, like. And it's just a dire shade of gray. A light of gray.

[Miles]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

You know, that wakes you up and.

[Miles]

Yeah. And if you're.

[Charlie]

Go sit in a freezer.

[Miles]

If you. Yeah. If you feel that happening, go to the gas station, get a smoothie, and just dump it on your windshield.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

And then scrape it off. You know, you just. You can't risk what they got going on.

[Charlie]

No.

[Miles]

Because they're one or two steps away from being too far gone.

[Charlie]

They are.

[Miles]

And tell me that they're hanging out at craft breweries.

[Charlie]

Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, we don't like to see it, folks, but those are some helpful. It's like when you're. You go out ice fishing, you always go out with spikes on your neck just in case you fall through the ice. It'll save you. And these are. These are the proverbial spikes you can take on your neck when you're deep out on the ice out there in California, which, of course, has no ice, but that's another story. Story.

[Miles]

Well, you imagine doing yoga every day.

[Charlie]

No. Having flexibility. Who wants that?

[Miles]

What are you supposed to do when you bend over and pick something? You're just gonna go like this?

[Charlie]

I mean, did you have to hold your breath doing that?

[Miles]

Where was the grunts Puked.

[Charlie]

Show people how it's actually done. All right.

[Miles]

Good, good.

[Charlie]

Well, you didn't fart. Coming up this time.

[Miles]

I did. It was silent but deadly. SBD There it is.

[Charlie]

There it is.

[Miles]

Well, I suppose.

[Charlie]

I suppose. Should we listen to another voicemail?

[Miles]

Another beer?

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

You know, thoughts and prayers, though. Out to Shay and Chuck.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Miles]

Buchanan. Very Midwest last name.

[Charlie]

That is very Midwest. They sound like they should own a car dealership.

[Miles]

Thoughts and prayers. You guys know what to do now. We gave you the key. Well, Charlie.

[Charlie]

Well, Miles.

[Miles]

I suppose we better get going.

[Charlie]

Yeah. Thank you all for listening to another episode. Please say your prayers for Shay and Chuck and everyone. Keep her moving. Sorry. That was a burp. And watch for deer. And tip your bartender.

[Miles]

Did you just bend over to pick something up and that was the burp that came out? Yeah. Tipper Bar. See you in the next one. Bye.