Caller Found Something Weird in a Car Trunk #191 - Bellied Up

Transcript

A (0:00)

Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of the Bellied Up Podcast. Charlie and I are bellied up here at Hooligans in West Fargo. And Charlie, how you feeling, buddy?

B (0:09)

I'm feeling good, Miles. You know, you're looking day here. And in Fargo, so balmy. 40 degrees here.

A (0:17)

Balmy. What is the actual definition of balmy?

B (0:20)

Like lip balm? Like moist to moist day here?

A (0:24)

Is that what it means?

B (0:25)

Yeah, it means there's a lot of moisture in the air. Balmy, like swampy, you know, pleasantly warm is the definition. Well, maybe I'm wrong, but it still works. It is pleasantly warm here.

A (0:38)

Yeah, I guess I've never thought about actually what it means.

B (0:42)

Yeah, sometimes you think about that. You know what I was thinking about, Miles? I was thinking about all the great historical things that have happened. You know, that's what I was thinking about.

A (0:53)

Where were you thinking about this at?

B (0:56)

Just when I was using bathroom, thinking about you.

A (0:59)

You were just thinking, oh, God, just think of. About all of the historical events that.

B (1:06)

Well, let me. Let me. Let me walk you through the mind, really. So I was watching the tv and I was watching. They had super bowl highlights on. And then I was thinking, oh, my gosh, what would it have been like to be at, like, not the first super bowl, but, you know, how the packers won all those titles before the Super bowl, you know, the world championships, because we're called title town, Miles. I didn't know if you knew that, but football was a completely different game back then, you know, and you can't really see it. Super bowl quality. Like, you can't watch those games, but it was a completely different game. Like, fellas were using, like, trucker drugs and smoking cigarettes mid game, you know?

A (1:47)

Yeah. I mean, they were all truck. Truckers.

B (1:50)

They were all truckers. Meat packers. Yeah, meat packers, mob bosses, the whole deal. And they didn'. And they had just, like, little leather on their heads, you know, and they were. They were doing headshots and everything, but, you know, to see a quarterback step up, put his hands on the center's balls with a cigarette draped from his mouth, that's what football was like back in the day. Now they've made a lot of changes, and that's better for the health of everyone.

Summary

Bellied Up Podcast #191: Caller Found Something Weird in a Car Trunk
Hosts: Charlie Berens & Myles the You Betcha Guy
Date: March 12, 2026
Location: Hooligans Bar, West Fargo

Episode Overview

In this lively and offbeat episode, Charlie and Myles belly up at a Fargo bar to riff on historical "what ifs," field bizarre listener calls, and uncover a wild story about a mysterious prison diary found in a used car trunk. Between classic Midwest banter and running jokes, the guys weigh in on historical moments they wish they’d witnessed, get a deep-dive into the “Book of Keith” (a prison notebook full of love letters), and play reluctant mediators in a local war on cyclists. This episode brims with sharp, good-natured ribbing and unexpected heart.

Key Discussion Points & Timestamps

1. Midwest Banter & “Mount Rushmore of Historical Events” (00:00–14:15)

Opening chat: The guys riff on what “balmy” means, how weirdly warm Fargo is, and how football’s changed over the years (players used to smoke cigarettes during the game!).
- [Charlie]: “Back in the day… fella’s were using, like, trucker drugs and smoking cigarettes mid-game, you know?” (01:31)
Dream historical events: “If you could see any historical moment live, what would it be?”
- Myles’ picks: The Big Bang, Jesus’s birth (“I’d just bring a case of beer, a case of Busch, you know… Cuz Joseph doesn’t get any time of day.” – 06:13), the Boston Molasses Disaster (“The molasses is coming! The molasses is coming!” – 08:14), and the construction planning meeting for the pyramids.
Running jokes:
- Imagining Joseph and Myles hitting the town with beer after Jesus’s birth (06:22).
- Why “slower than molasses” is an insult when molasses can actually go 35mph, per the Boston incident (08:53).
- The urge to know how the pyramids were built—and refusing to tell anyone after learning (11:38).
Notable quote:
- [Myles]: “Can we also talk about how insulting the phrase ‘slower than molasses’ is? Because clearly, molasses can haul ass.” (08:43)

2. The Trunk Notebook – The “Book of Keith” (14:15–32:07)

Caller Tyler’s story: Just moved, bought a fixer-upper car, found a smelly trunk with a prison diary inside (“The previous owner's entire life… every day he was in [prison].” – 15:18). The notebook contains love letters, countdowns, phone numbers, blood stains.
Best details:
- Tyler called a woman whose number was in the diary; turns out, she’s still with “Keith” (the diary’s author), and she didn’t want it back (“Do whatever you want with it.” – 17:40).
- The hosts scheme a recurring “Diary of Keith” segment with Tyler reading dramatic entries.
  - [Charlie]: “We could do a reoccurring segment… from the Diary of Keith.” (17:44)
Inside the Diary:
- Keith’s main flaw: “He doesn’t know how to spell the word ‘lose.’” (20:10)
- Letters are earnest, heartfelt, sometimes bloodstained (“A man’s inability to spell the word ‘lose’ trying to fight to keep a relationship together while keeping track of the days left behind the bars.” – 21:24).
- Tyler is invested: “The next day I was sitting there, I was at work, I’m like, man, I wish I brought that with me. That’s some good reading material for lunch.” (28:39)
- The story starts as a Mormon faith journal (“Latter Day Saints below it.” – 25:16) but quickly becomes a private saga.
Hosts’ reaction: They joke about purchasing story rights on the spot, and Charlie dubs it “the Mormon Prison Chronicles.”

3. Midwest Legal Lore: The Michael Jordan of Lawyers (36:00–45:18)

Guest: Attorney Russell Nicolette
- Russell names Jerry Spence as the “MJ of Lawyering”—a legend, undefeated, with a Wyoming ranch where he taught “trial dark arts.” (36:44–39:47)
- [Russell]: “He would give this story about a bird in his hand, and ultimately whether the bird would live or die was up to the hand, which was them.” (37:21)
Discussion on Midwest emotional stoicism:
- How giving a Midwesterner a compliment is more destabilizing than yelling at them.
- [Charlie]: “If you want to make a Midwesterner uncomfortable… give them compliments and they won’t know what to do.” (42:31)
Lighthearted self-deprecation: The guys riff on how they’d squirm if their dads ever said, “I’m proud of you.” (43:00)

4. Angry About Cyclists – The “Biker Law” Caller (46:04–69:16)

Caller Mike’s proposal: If mayor, he’d ban cyclists because “they’re not very nice, they wear stuff that’s way too tight.” (46:14)
Classic Midwest conflict-resolution discussion:
- Mike relays his polite but lasting feud with local bikers, including being followed by one and gently rebuked for jogging in the road (“He followed me home one time…” – 48:08).
- Hosts roast him for being the “nicest guy to ever insult anyone” and joke about him running a breakup call-in service.
Therapy session:
- A hilarious deconstruction reveals Mike’s issue started with childhood trauma—friend’s dad yelling at him on his Huffy, shaping a lifelong aversion to bikes (62:39).
- [Charlie]: “Hurt people hurt people. And now you’re letting the fear that your buddy’s dad instilled in you guide your life…” (62:59)
Proposed legislative solutions:
- Ban cycling except from 4–7am (“Adult swim for cyclists” – 59:48).
- Avoid bike lanes—“I think they get a certain charge out of it… make the cars mad.” (56:12)
Further ribbing:
- Mike admits his kids don’t have bikes: “Because of my stance on bikes.” (65:49)
- Hosts urge him to confront his “Rich” problem (the name of the traumatic dad figure from his youth): “You just gotta go see professional help about Rich.” (69:41)
Memorable exchange:
- [Charlie]: “Let them creep. Let them explode in your imagination. And if Rich comes in, say ‘Hey Dick, I’m holding mine right now.’” (68:24)
- [Myles]: “Don’t force Dick out. Just force the dick in.” (68:35)
Wrap-up: Encouragement to try a bike, “clip into those pedals,” and discover his true feelings—maybe with therapy.

Notable Quotes & Moments

[Myles] (talking about historical events): “I just bring a case of beer, case of Busch, you know. Cuz Joseph doesn’t get any time of day.” (06:13)
[Caller Tyler]: “The previous owner's entire life… every day he was in there. There was love letters, phone numbers, all sorts of stuff… a little bit of blood.” (15:18)
[Charlie]: “Can we also talk about how insulting the phrase ‘slower than molasses’ is? Because clearly, molasses can haul ass.” (08:43)
[Caller Mike]: “I would make sure there would be no bikers in town. Like, cyclists. They drive me crazy.” (46:14)
[Charlie]: “Hurt people hurt people. And now you’re letting the fear that your buddy’s dad instilled in you guide your life…” (62:59)
[Myles]: “Don’t force Dick out. Just force the dick in.” (68:35)

Episode Structure & Flow

Opening banter: The guys riff on regional climate and language.
Historical “what ifs”: Both hosts list the moments in history they wish they could witness, lacing it with gags and Midwestern wit.
The Callers:
- Tyler & the Prison Diary: The story deepens, and the hosts plot future diary readings.
- A lawyer’s wisdom: Guest segment on trial law legends.
- Mike the Bike-Hater: Ribbing, therapy, and the search for roots of civic grievance.
Closes with laughs as listeners are prompted again to call in with their wildest Midwest dilemmas or finds.

Overall Tone

Warm, irreverent, locally flavored comedy, laced with sly self-awareness and surprising empathy for the quirks of Midwest life. The hosts maintain their signature blend of goofiness and heart, teasing guests and callers (and each other) as only old friends can. If you missed the episode, this summary gives you all the key stories, running jokes, and memorable exchanges—no bikes or molasses required.