Every Generation Thinks They Invented Sex #206

Summary

Bellied Up Podcast – Episode #206: “Every Generation Thinks They Invented Sex”
Release Date: June 25, 2026
Hosts: Myles (“You Betcha Guy”) & Charlie Berens
Location: South Town Poor House, Fargo, North Dakota

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Episode Overview

This episode is classic “Bellied Up” – Myles and Charlie settle in at a local Fargo bar, catch up on Midwestern home improvement projects, and take lively calls from listeners. The main event is an uproarious conversation with Amanda, who regales the hosts with stories about her late grandparents’ unexpectedly robust sex lives (and artifacts), which leads into a broader, hilarious discussion about generational attitudes towards sex. Later, a mailman named Josh calls in for some lighthearted, behind-the-scenes postal banter. Throughout, the tone is witty, self-deprecating, and distinctly Midwest nice.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Home Reno Updates (03:16–16:40)

• Myles and Charlie open with updates on their ongoing home renovations – swapping anecdotes about benches left unstained and janky decks held together with “band-aids and firewood.”
• Myles shares his saga of fixing a rotten lake cabin porch threshold with his dad. What should have been a 30-minute project “turned into like two and a half, three hours” (05:27).
• Charlie describes his solo attempt at adding a deck footer – going “tricycle style” instead of the recommended support, justifying it with hardware store wisdom: “Jim at the hardware store said, ‘bell it out at the bottom’” (11:15).
• Both highlight the comfort of working on projects with their dads, comparing it to “having a safety net” or “taking a test with the teacher looking over your shoulder” (08:41).

Memorable Quote:

“You’re 39 years old. I’m 33. And there’s still just something about having your dad on a project. You know it’s gonna go better.”
— Myles (08:31)

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2. County Fair Season & Navigating Small Town Traffic (19:39–22:35)

• The hosts riff on the annual chaos of Midwest county fair season: “You’ve got people walking between parked cars, tractors sharing roads with pickups, and the Shriners with their little go-karts” (20:03).
• A playful ad read imagines the hazards and legal woes of fair-time driving.

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3. Caller Amanda: Sex Lives of the Greatest Generation (22:35–61:00)

Amanda calls in with a jaw-dropping, side-splitting recounting of cleaning out her late grandparents’ house, which triggers the episode’s main theme: every generation thinks they invented sex.

Amanda’s Story Highlights:

• Discovery #1: Grandma’s nightstand is loaded — hidden compartment contains “The Joy of Sex” books, deteriorating condoms (“so old they crumbled when bent”), Vaseline, rubber gloves, and a mysterious, ribbed wooden pole (24:56–32:02).
  • Charlie on the wooden pole: “That looks like the world’s first dildo.” (31:54)
• Discovery #2: Grandpa’s side yields less – just handkerchiefs, crossword puzzles, and three decks of X-rated playing cards (both female and male nudes), some with impressively vintage hair and tan lines (36:24–37:11).
  • Myles, inspecting a card: “This guy’s got so many back muscles, it almost looks like he’s got back boobs.” (38:41)
• Mirrored Bedroom Ceiling: Amanda’s cousins remind her that their old house had mirrors covering the bedroom ceiling. Young Amanda thought it was a “fancy feature” (39:51).
  • Myles: “Without the mirrors, you don’t exist.” (41:00)
  • Amanda’s mom’s wisdom: “Every generation thinks that they’re the ones who invented sex.” (41:12)
• Grandpa’s Porn Empire: Amanda learns her grandpa recorded porn off TV on VHS tapes and sold them at work: “Just bootlegging Cinemax pornography” (41:40–41:56).
• Family Heirlooms: Her uncle claims the “Joy of Sex” books; grandma’s lingerie (“grand teddy”) likely ended up at Goodwill.
• Amanda’s Own ‘Hidden Drawer’: She confesses she has her own stash but was mortified when her kids mistook a discreetly-packaged new vibrator for a dog toy. (45:00–47:32)
  • Myles: “Your friends come over and your dog is just deep-throat-in’ your dildo.” (46:44)

Themes and Reflections:

• The hosts marvel at how sexual taboos persist across generations, even as every generation assumes they’re the first to break them.
• The segment teeters between shock, nostalgia, and riotous, affectionate humor about “Midwest nice” families.

Notable Quotes:

“I have never seen Trojan packets like those because I am Catholic and do not believe in contraception.” — Charlie (29:37)

“Every generation thinks that they’re the ones who invented sex.” — Amanda’s mom (41:12)

“Call her granddaddy.” — Myles, after suggesting Bellied Up is now the male version of Call Her Daddy (58:20)

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4. Josh the Mailman: Life on the Route and Postal Secrets (62:32–101:15)

• Josh calls while on his mail route in Washington (!), giving the hosts a glimpse into modern postal life.
• Mailman Stereotypes & Good-natured Roast:
  • Why do mailmen wear short shorts? For the “kneecap appreciation.”
  • Mail truck fun: “Scale of 1 to 10, it’s about a 9.8” (65:56).
  • On being hit on by customers: Josh tells a vivid “cougar” encounter about a woman “expecting her bra in the mail” while not wearing one (68:16–69:00).
    • Myles: “She probably didn’t have a bra in the mail! That was an invite.” (69:25)
  • Josh’s wife was on the phone (on Bluetooth) during the flirtation—awkward!
• Insider USPS Facts:
  • USPS is not taxpayer-funded; it’s run entirely on sales/services since the 1960s (79:26).
  • Dog spray (“government issued pepper spray for dogs”) is real (78:32).
  • “Dead letter” items get investigated by the formidable Postal Inspection Service, who carry guns and have wide jurisdiction (84:09, 88:47).
  • Favorite stamp? “The American flag… That’s the most boring stamp.” (80:14)
  • Remarks about ever-worsening penmanship and generational changes in mail.
• Family & Life Wisdom:
  • Josh had his first child at 16, is now 29 with four kids, and jokes about family dynamics when his parents found out he’d be a teenage dad. (97:06–98:47)

Memorable Quotes:

“You know, we do mail, and they’re just package jockeys over there.” — Charlie, on UPS/FedEx rivalry (71:27)

“I don’t want some huge calves, you know? It just weighs me down.” — Josh, explaining New Balance tennis shoes over hiking boots (87:27)

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5. Light Midwest Chitchat & Closing Reflections (101:20–103:17)

• Hosts riff about future content ideas (Myles as a golf course groundskeeper, Charlie as a mailman).
• Wrap with thanks and their customary, “Remember to tip your bartender.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (w/ Timestamps)

• “There was a drill bit in the bottom of my door... the tip came off.” — Myles (06:22)
• [On sturdy deck construction]: “You basically made a tricycle, and what do you know about tricycles? They are much more likely to tip...” — Myles (11:32)
• “That looks like the world’s first dildo.” — Charlie (31:54)
• “Every generation thinks that they’re the ones who invented sex.” — Amanda’s mom (41:12)
• “She has a false bottom in her drawer. God, that’s kind of hot.” — Charlie (31:39)
• “You guys go to shadyrays.com use code bellied up for 50% off.” — Myles, switching back into ad-read mode after raunchy tales (22:14)
• “This is our third [grandpa/porn] call now!?” — Charlie, when Amanda opens with her story (24:01)
• “I’m just trying to get a sense of the gal we’re talking about.” — Charlie (34:39)
• “Grandpa used to record porn off the TV and then sell it to his friends at work.” — Amanda (41:40)
• “Mailmen, they’re the modern day sailors. They got spawn at every port.” — Charlie (73:35)
• “We’re like the male version of the Call Her Daddy podcast at this point.” — Myles (58:13)
• “Call her granddaddy.” — Charlie (58:20)

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Episode Structure/Timeline

• 00:00 – 03:16: Bar banter, setting the scene at South Town Poor House, Fargo
• 03:16 – 16:40: Home Reno updates (benches, decks, DIY epics)
• 19:39 – 22:35: County fair traffic riff (w/ sponsor ad energy)
• 22:35 – 61:00: Amanda’s call – generational sexcapades, family secrets, and heirlooms
• 62:32 – 101:15: Josh the mailman – postal life, customer stories, inside dirt on USPS
• 101:20 – End: Reflections, Midwest bits, closing

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Conclusion / Episode Takeaways

• The episode is a hilarious, affectionate meditation on the idea that “Every Generation Thinks They Invented Sex” – candidly proving, with stories and artifacts, that human curiosity and “kink” is timeless.
• Amanda’s stories exemplify how shocking (and relatable) family secrets can be, but also how humor bridges generational gaps.
• The rapport with Josh the mailman adds fun, relatable “slice of life” insight into another everyman job with unexpected intrigue.
• Throughout, Myles and Charlie maintain their signature Midwest charm, balancing raunchy content with warmth, humility, and self-deprecation.

Listeners come away entertained, less uptight about sex and family secrets, and with a few new thoughts about mailmen, decks, and the hidden lives of their elders.

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Bellied Up: where Midwest nice meets unfiltered hilarity, and every generation gets roasted.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of the Bellied up podcast. I'm here with my friend Charlie, freshly shaven. Look at that.

[B]

We got new facial hair here to show off on the Bellied up pod. I. Yours has grown back now? Yeah, yours is fully back.

[A]

Well, I also did it. I also shaved about three weeks ago, Charlie.

[B]

That's true. See, we had this concept for a Harry's video with me.

[A]

Miles. When did this podcast come out?

[B]

This comes out in June. Something this podcast.

[A]

Well, anyways, for a video, we had to shave, and Charlie shaved right before he shot the video, so then he had to delay us at least a couple weeks.

[B]

Also not good for my man card, the amount of time I had to delay us in order to get something functioning for a neck beard, you know? Oh, sorry.

[A]

You're good.

[B]

Yeah, it took me, I guess. I don't grow facial hair that fast, you know?

[A]

I mean, this was probably now three weeks.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. So it took me probably full three weeks to grow it back.

[B]

All right, this is. I shaved three days ago. It's pretty pathetic. This is three days, Miles.

[A]

No, that's. You didn't shave three days ago. It was more than that. I feel like that's pretty good for three days. Yeah.

[B]

Really? It's barely there.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, it's.

[C]

It's.

[B]

Didn't I shave three days ago? What's today? Monday. When did we shoot this?

[A]

You shot this last Friday, so. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You're looking good, bear baby.

[A]

Let's go. All right, Charlie, I think it's a good time for us to on this podcast. Well, first of all, we're at the South Town poor house here in Fargo, North Dakota. Let's go. Give it up for Fargo.

[B]

Yeah, Fargo. A lot of TVs here. Good God. This is going to be a terrible episode for my ADD.

[A]

Yeah, it's a lot of TVs. This light is helping, though.

[B]

It is helpful. Just like we're like mosquitoes. Brightest light. You know, the TVs don't stand a chance with this little light in front of us. I also like that you brought that light, Miles. Really, vanity, you know, make. Make my cheeks pop.

[A]

We bring that light every single episode. It's quite literally on every episode we have that light.

[B]

I never noticed it till you brought it up. Never noticed it.

[A]

So if you wonder what it's like to work with Charlie Barron's, this is a great example.

[B]

You know, it's not that I'm not observant, it's just I observe, like, things nobody cares About. Yeah. So yeah, that's. That's good quality as a comedian.

[A]

So yeah, if you're in Fargo, you gotta check out Southtown poorhouse. Spend spent quite a few nights here, Charlie.

[B]

Dwayne's pizza on the go.

[A]

Yeah, pizza too. Pizza. So is Dwayne nice thin crust that comes in squares.

[B]

Oh, I like a good square thin crust. That reminds me of this place in Milwaukee called Marty's. Not a sponsor. They do that real thin pizza. Square it up. They're not into the triangles. They're anti tri angle over there.

[A]

But yeah. So if you're here, check it out. But I think it is time, Charlie, that you and I do a home reno update. All the Renault update.

[B]

What have you been working on?

[A]

Two dumb guys attempt to renovate the things around their house update on my house Renault. So not to brag. I have a home reno and a lake cabin renault.

[B]

Okay, okay. Wow.

[A]

I still have not stained the bench that I built in my entryway, but the process to clean off the bench, which the bench turned into a shelf.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With all my junk. And we started the process of cleaning it off so that I had hopes of staining it.

[B]

Let me ask you this though, Miles. It's in. It's an internal bench.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It lives inside your house.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't need to stain it.

[A]

All right, perfect.

[B]

Just say it's a raw wood look, dude. And then you get to say raw wood, which is fun.

[A]

Yeah, it is fun. But moving on to my lake cabin wedge, which road I did this weekend. So I have a screened in porch. I've been in it, not to brag.

[B]

I've sat in it. It's very nice.

[A]

And the threshold on it is this old piece of wood and it finally. The edges of it rotted out and the threshold was gone. Well, I don't know if you know anything about screened in porches. You kind of want that thing to be sealed up so no bugs get in it.

[B]

Yeah, bugs will find a way.

[A]

There's about an inch and a quarter gap on the bottom of the door, Miles.

[B]

That's a mile for a bug. You know that's a bug mile right there.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so we need to figure out a solution. The wood was rotted out on the side. So putting in another board for the threshold was gonna be. Maybe we'd have to screw it to the concrete or whatever. Or once I pulled that piece of wood out, I was like, it's kind of nice without the threshold.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So me and my dad elected to Screw the threshold and go with putting a trim piece on the bottom of the board. Little trim piece so that it covers it up once it and that 30 minute project turned into like two and a half, three hours.

[B]

Really? What. What took? So you'd think it'd just be knocking it out. And I bet your dad had a piece of wood perfect for that job, too. He'd been saving for 25 years.

[A]

He didn't need to go to the hardware store at all for it.

[B]

That's great. And he had that piece of trim just sitting in the garage somewhere.

[A]

Yep. So we screwed two of them together. We screwed it to the bottom of the door. Got it on there. Turns out the door wasn't straight. Oh. So there was still a huge gap on the one side. So then we had to. Then we had to tilt it. Well, we tilted it the wrong way and it didn't close at all. Then we had to unscrew it again, tilt it the other way, put it on. There was still a gap. We had to adjust it a little bit more. And there was lots of. So then we had a. With. For the pilot holes, we had a drill bit break.

[B]

You know, drill bit break and doing pilot holes, just standard.

[A]

Then we went to pull it out, and then it broke that off too. It was a whole thing. So there's a drill bit in the bottom of my drawer or bottom of my door.

[B]

Oh, wow. Really? It just felt a hollow door. There's a drill bit in the bottom of your door.

[A]

We drilled into it. Yeah, the tip came off.

[B]

Yeah, just a tip came off.

[A]

And then we took a pliers and tried to pull it out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the pliers broke off another piece of the drill bit. And so then it was the drill bits now just in that piece of wood.

[B]

Oh, okay. So I was thinking perhaps not a wood door. Perhaps like one of those metal doors. I thought you went in the bottom of your door. Now, I know you mean physically in the bottom as you go in.

[A]

Physically.

[B]

I thought you were drilling up higher. And then in the hollow door, the piece of that just fell down.

[A]

This is a full wood door with screens in it.

[B]

It would have been good to know that first. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It was a drill. We're drilling wood to wood.

[B]

I get it, dude. That's going right now.

[A]

It's like your favorite type of Saturday night. Just wood to wood.

[B]

Wood to wood, baby. Yeah. And wood. The wood is good. Well, great. So how does it look? Do you have any pictures you want to show me?

[A]

I don't know if I have pictures, but you're going to go there tomorrow and you'll see it for yourself.

[B]

I'll go take a look. I'll go put my hands behind my back and give a. Oh, yeah. Okay. And you won't know what I mean by that. Oh, yeah. Okay.

[A]

And I will need you to help me silicone some stuff.

[B]

I wanna. Oh, yeah, dude. All right. What do you need to. What do we need to silicone?

[A]

Well, you'll see once you get there.

[B]

All right, well, good.

[A]

What's going on in your home? Remote Renault World.

[B]

Well, remember when I asked you to help me put that footer in and we can make a YouTube video about it?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, thanks for not helping. I did it myself. Yeah.

[A]

By yourself? By yourself. Yeah.

[B]

100 by myself.

[A]

I don't love that. I don't love that. For the structural integrity of your deck.

[B]

You don't love that it's my deck. I really don't love that. I would have loved to have my dad there. But isn't that.

[A]

That's. That's something to be said.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like we. You're 39.

[B]

39 years old.

[A]

39 years old. 33 years old. So, like, obviously I'm still quite. I'm still baby.

[B]

But I wouldn't go that far, Miles. I'm really old.

[A]

39 years old. 33 years old. And there's still just something. Something about having your dad be present on a project that is just a safety net that you know it's going

[B]

to go better, you know? You know he's going to have you think twice about doing something. Because also the worst part is, honestly, the reason I want my dad there is because then that will save me the anxiety of looking at this with my dad in person later.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's like him checking my room to make sure it's clean.

[A]

It would be like. It would be like taking a test in high school and having the teacher over your shoulder and then you fill in a bubble and she just goes. And then you know it's wrong and you pick a different answer. You know what I mean?

[B]

Exactly. Exactly. So I've already thought of, like, the excuses in my head of things that I'm not done yet. I'm also going to do this because what I have. Miles, let me explain. It's just part of the deck. They didn't put any footers. They just put two posts down at the root beds of two trees. So the, The.

[A]

The.

[B]

It's your standard deck by the house. Right. And Then it kind of wieners off in the middle. It's got you. You've been it. Oh, thank you. Wow, look at that. Appreciate you got some food coming in here.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Oh, that looks good. So it's standard, standard deck. And then you got about, you know, a 10 foot portion that's thinner that kind of extends out to some stairs. Where the stairs meet the wienered portion of the deck. That's what was being held up by these two posts by the trees. Two posts rotted out, you know, we threw one in the fire and then I jacked up there. Well, instead of doing two posts because I couldn't get them into. I wasn't going to screw up the tap root of either of those trees. I didn't want to lose the trees. I kind of like that. It's cute, you know, and they're big trees, they're going to be a pain in the ass. Also took down tree, almost killed my soon to be maybe brother in law. We'll see how it goes. But a small tree, he would have been fine. But I was like peter, run.

[C]

And

[B]

I mean it's coming down. I'm like, dude, exit path. What are you doing? Anyways, so this is six foot wide. So instead what I would have wanted to do is have two footers on each side. I didn't. What I did is I got one solid 10 inch beam. Okay. 10 inches wide.

[A]

So you put that in the middle.

[B]

I put that beam up as kind of a little header board. Okay. Strong. And then I got one solid footer right down there. Okay. One sucker middle in the middle. So it's a little.

[A]

I would love to know what people who actually know about decks, what they would say about this. You basically what you did is you made a tricycle

[B]

kind of.

[A]

And what do you know about tricycles is they are much more likely tipped than before.

[B]

Wheeler. Now listen, here's the good news folks. Here's the good news. It's not that far off the ground. No one's going to die. Okay? It's not a two story deck. Here's the other thing. I am also because when I was and I cleared this all with Jim at the hardware store, by the way, I went to the hardware store, I talked to Jim, I even says to Jim, I says, how far down you think I gotta go? I mean frost line, 48 inches. And he says, yeah, you don't need to go 48 inches on that. He says, you do 36 inches. And he says, bell it out at the bottom. So I belled it out at the bottom, Miles. I just, I got that concrete in there, but then I like little splurged it all around. I belled it out, obviously digging, you know, and then I got that in there. So now I haven't gone deep enough with my footer, but I belled it out. And there's only one footer. And there's only one footer.

[A]

And by belling it out, you mean that it's wider at the bottom.

[B]

Just making sure that some people call it bellied out. You know, bell out, bellied out, whatever. But anyway, that's what I did. I'm feeling good about it. Does feel sturdy. Feels very sturdy, honestly. Now the real test will be miles. I'm going to show this off this summer because come the winter, if we get a deep freeze and I get that shove in that clay soil, I, you know, could be bad. Could be bad. So. But I also am going to put two more vertical supports on each side, two more posts, kind of the way they did it, just from an aesthetic perspective and also to add a sko more structure, but it's not needed.

[A]

Scotchmore structure. Great band name. All right, well, do you have photo of it?

[B]

No.

[A]

Damn it.

[B]

I know. I kind of wish I did because

[A]

it, I mean, I was there, so I know what you're talking about.

[B]

And you know what I do regret? I do regret going with the 8 inch tube there. Should have gone a little bit girthier, but you know, that was it.

[A]

That's how big?

[B]

Yeah, it's fine. I should have done a 12. You know what? This is pathetic. They didn't have one. I was like, ah, that's the most Charlie, you know, thing to do.

[C]

I feel like it's always better to

[B]

go too big than not big. I know something like that, just everything. You'd always want to be a little

[A]

bit bigger, but it is the story of our lives. It is. Wish it was a little bit bigger.

[B]

It is a.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It feels sturdy right now. Oh, another thing I did put in, I, I got.

[A]

How long did you wait for the concrete to cure?

[B]

Oh, please. I, I it. First of all, this was the quick set stuff and it said, it said 40 minutes. I was like, I'm going to give it a night. I'm going to give it a night. 40 minutes my ass, dude. You kidding me? Who's, who's just waiting 40 minutes for, I mean, is that standard? You're a concrete guy. What's going on with that?

[A]

No, like, you trust that stuff? The Concrete you'd put on your driveway. Like, for it to, like, really cure you, like, have to. For it to, like, cure all the way through. They recommend, like, 30 days.

[B]

Yeah, right. No, I know. I just had a slab poured myself, and I was like, what are we even doing here, guys? I thought they were joking with me on that, but, you know, anyways, yeah, so I. I look, let's be honest. The whole deck is. I mean, it is. If you look at this deck, you guys, this is just Band Aid after Band Aid, after Band Aid. So you can't screw it up anymore.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I've got. I've got firewood holding it.

[A]

Are you. Are you, like, putting some money aside so that you can just pay someone to do a proper new deck on that thing?

[B]

No. When it comes time for deck, I'm learning all the decking techniques on this deck.

[A]

This is perfect because I want to put a deck out on the front of my cabin.

[B]

Do you?

[A]

Yeah. So you. You learn. You do yours first, make a bunch of mistakes, and then come help me with mine.

[B]

That would be fun. That would be fun. I. Growing up in, I did, like, a couple decks where my buddies were doing them, and I was just working on them, you know, So I have pretty much that background going off of here. I got mo for my birthday, I got two new jacks, which is nice. That helped. You saw them worked.

[A]

They were good.

[B]

Anyway, that's enough. That's enough. We don't need to go further into this, but that was fun. Little DIY update, you know? Home Renault, home Renault update. Yeah. Well, Miles, what do you think, dude?

[A]

Also, side note, I helped my dad put the new rubber strip that goes in the bottom of your garage do on.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I did. What a. That sounds like a. The worst job.

[A]

So here's. Here's the thing about that one. I never even thought about that you could replace those. You know, like, in my mind, it's just like, oh, if it's bad, it's bad.

[B]

Yeah, you just wait till you get a whole new garage door, you know?

[A]

But my dad was like, help me put this on. And he. I didn't. He already had taken the other one off. And apparently you just slide it in. You just, like, put it in one end, then you just slide it all across and Went perfectly.

[B]

Really.

[A]

It was done in 25 seconds.

[B]

So he must have gotten that from the actual garage door maker.

[A]

But me and him both, we put it on. There was, like, probably like 15 seconds of silence. And then me and him Were like that was the easiest project we've ever had to do. Yeah, it never goes that easy.

[B]

Was your dad like.

[A]

I thought I was gonn get a snag and then I'd have to get a pliers and open up some of the metal to get it so it goes better. It just went on perfectly.

[B]

Oh, that's great. So he. And was he afterward like. Well, I could have done that myself.

[A]

Yeah, he didn't say it, but I think he was thinking it.

[B]

Okay, see and now that's tough too because.

[A]

Well the problem is is we had to go. It was. It's only an eight foot high door. So I was just doing it by my like with, with like just standing there doing it. And he can't lift his hands above his head anymore. So he definitely did need help.

[B]

Got it. Can't you just drop the door down halfway so you didn't have to reach?

[A]

That would have been probably smart. I wish you were there, Chuck. I mean it was just like this.

[B]

No, I know, I know. Hey, 15 seconds.

[A]

Don't give me that shit, Mr. One Thing at the Mr. Tricycle Deck.

[C]

No,

[A]

so what, what you need to do is you need to put tape down on your deck and angle it into a point and say like this is the walking zone and don't go on the edge.

[B]

Exactly. No, don't, don't get me wrong. It does have supports before that. It's got plenty of supports.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, just like set some plants like for like a walking. Yeah, that's actually good. I. I'll put like highway tape, you know and the plants is great.

[A]

The little things you can drive over that flip. They're like the little, you know, talking about like the 4 inch strips they put on there. Every so often you could they flip up and down or I just get

[B]

construction cones, you know, but the lighter construction cones just so they don't add unnecessary pressure.

[A]

Yeah, the lightest construction.

[B]

Oh, all right, Chuck.

[A]

Well, should we take some callers?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Charlie.

[B]

Yes, Miles.

[A]

County fair season is here. Which means every small town suddenly has more traffic than it's. Than it sees the rest of the year combined. About that.

[B]

Yeah, dude, I know all about that.

[A]

You've got people walking between parked cars, tractors sharing roads with pickups and somebody trying to squeeze a half ton truck into a spot meant for a compact car.

[B]

Don't forget about the bicycles.

[A]

Oh boy. And the Shriners and their little go karts.

[B]

Frickin Shriners. Dude. Don't even start with me. They're not road legal.

[A]

And for whatever reason, everyone's in a hurry. Even though they're headed to watch pig races and eat cheese curds, they're gonna be there when you get there. No reason to hurry.

[B]

Well, you gotta.

[A]

Parking lots get crowded, visibility gets bad, and it takes. All it takes is one person backing out without looking or cutting through a row too fast. Boom, bang, boom.

[B]

Miles, why do I think you're going to be talking to me about Russell Nicolay at this moment?

[A]

If a day at the fair turns into an injury or accident, Nicolay Law is who you want on your side.

[B]

If a day at the fair turns into an unfair day called Nicolay 1-85-5, Nicol hello, Miles, do you ever walk into a bar and you're just.

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

Yeah. And you're sitting there, though, and someone comes up to you and goes, I wear my sunglasses at night. And you're like, what are you talking about? And they're like, you're wearing your sunglasses. I'm like, oh, my gosh. Crazy.

[A]

This happens to me about once a week with my Shady Rays on me,

[B]

too, because they're so comfortable, you just. You forget you're even wearing them.

[A]

They're like. In my mind, Shady Rays are like a blanket for your eyeballs. That makes sense.

[B]

Yeah, it does. It's a nice little blanket, you know, and. And the sun gets hot.

[A]

It's like you built a fort in your living room and you're cozying up underneath. A blanket is what it feels like to wear.

[B]

Wow, that gets me going back right there. And Shady Rays. Miles, I gotta tell you something else. When you're out there fishing with these suckers, they cut the glare like nothing.

[A]

There's no glare involved.

[B]

No. You can just see those trout was

[A]

wearing my Shady Rays last weekend, holding my kid on the dock. I said, you see the fish, and then he's, like, looking, or he couldn't find them and find my glasses off. I couldn't see him either, to give

[B]

him the glasses I should have. Wow.

[A]

God, he could get him a pair of Shady Rays.

[B]

Yeah. Because if you want to see these fishes, if you want to be cool in the bar, just get yourself some Shady Rays.

[A]

You guys go to shadyrays.com use code bellied up for 50%.

[B]

50% off. You got to be K me two

[A]

or more polarized glasses.

[B]

You got to be kidding me. Kidding me. Holy smokes. What's that code again?

[A]

It was 40. Now it's 50 off.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

What's bellied up?

[B]

Bellied up, folks. Check it out.

[A]

Hello? Amanda, you got Miles and Charlie from the Bellied up podcast. How are you today?

[D]

I'm good. How are you guys?

[A]

Good. We just bellied up to the bar, ready to talk.

[D]

Where are you? I was just telling my friend that lately you guys have been at Charlie's lake cabin. Not lake house.

[B]

Yeah. Nice.

[A]

I don't know. There was some people that were murmuring that it was a lake house after they saw it in our. One of our videos. There was some murmurs, Charlie. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. Some people thinking I'm in a lake house. Huh.

[D]

Sweet.

[B]

Were they really what they say?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Weren't we surrounded by wood?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That thing looks like the Taj Mahal is basically what they were saying.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, hey, you know, I want to go now. Yeah, yeah, come anytime. I got plenty of room for all of you know, the Mahals. So, yeah, belly on up to the bar. What's cooking with you?

[D]

Okay, well, so a couple weeks ago, I was listening, and I heard about, I don't know, some young guy was a little disturbed that his grandpa had been looking up porn, and he wasn't sure how to confront him.

[A]

How many. How many grandpas and porn episodes can we do?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Is this our third one now?

[D]

Well, okay, so I just. I had to call in. I listened to you guys on my way to and from work all the time, and I'm finally caught up and have listened to all the episodes. So my. All right, so my grandma and grandpa, they're. They were just so sweet. They were married for almost 60 years before my grandpa passed away. And when my grandma passed away, we had to clean out her house. And I learned some disturbing things from. From that. Now, I'm the youngest of all the grandkids, and I was about 25 when she passed away. So we're cleaning out her bedside table, and I come across. Okay, so I. I gotta say, I'm a school teacher, and I had to come outside, someone else is watching my class, because this is not kid appropriate. Sorry.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Anyway, there was. It was clean, but it was out of the box. A douche and some. A big jug of. Or container of Vaseline. I'm like, mom, old school. What. What was grandma doing? Okay, so, no, mind you, my grandpa had already passed.

[A]

It just sounds like she cares about hygiene at this point.

[D]

Yeah. Okay. Yep. Now, my grandpa had passed away like, 10 years before that. Okay. So then I noticed that underneath that is in this drawer, it's like a secret compartment that was covered in this old floral contact Paper. My grandma covered everything in contact paper. And there's a little hole, like, you know, you stick a finger in it and you can lift it up. I'm like, oh, what's this? Oh, my gosh. The Joys of Sex, volumes one and two. What else? There was condoms that were so old, if you, like, bent the package, they were, like, falling apart. Brittle. Rubber gloves.

[A]

They're probably sheepskin condoms. That's old there.

[D]

Right? So then.

[B]

Wait, rubber gloves?

[D]

Yes. Yes. I took that whole drawer and I threw it at my mom and said, this was your mom? You cleaned this out? Oh, it was so embarrassing.

[B]

Wait, this is all still on Grandma's side?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[D]

Yeah. We haven't even gotten gotten to Grandpa yet.

[B]

Okay, well, let's pull this apart real quick.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

So the rubber gloves, do we know what those were for?

[D]

No.

[A]

Well, let's just play a fun game. I want you to guess what they're for.

[D]

Oh, well, I would. I would guess that the Vaseline has something to do with it. Okay. And I don't know, maybe there was a chapter in one of the books that said what to do? I don't know.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And why. Why did she have all these condoms? My grandpa had passed away 10 years before that, and she was old.

[B]

This is a good question. What year were they?

[C]

Like, what.

[B]

Did you take a picture? You must have taken a picture to send to somebody. You'll never. Yeah, let's see. Can you send that over to Jared right now? We would like to. We can reverse engineer the Trojan logo to find out the exact year.

[A]

Just first Google search to find out which year.

[D]

Well, I did do a Google lens search on something else. Oh, all right. So there are four pictures coming your way.

[B]

Nice, nice pictures. Meanwhile, I'm going to figure out. I want to get a.

[A]

Okay, so that was everything you found in your grandma's side?

[D]

That was everything in my grandma's side

[B]

were the sex throughout the years. Were those DVDs, VHS's? Books?

[D]

They're books.

[A]

Okay. Because I thought those were DVDs. And in my head. In my head I was like, usually I go with something raunchier than the Joys of Sex or whatever you said. So that makes sense that it was a book.

[B]

Yeah, it sounds like a documentary, really, so. And maybe that was just informative. You obviously read it. What was the.

[D]

Yeah, I did not.

[A]

You thumbed through.

[D]

My uncles snatched it up. It's like, I'll take those. Because we were allowed to take anything from the house, but, like, everything had value. So like, it came off of however much like, my mom was gonna get in the estate.

[B]

And your uncle snatched him up.

[D]

Yeah. Apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, I guess.

[A]

Were there any pages in the book that were dog eared?

[D]

I. I don't know.

[A]

Come on, text your uncle. Ask him what she was, what she highlighted in it.

[B]

Also, why does your uncle. Your uncle of all guys? Holy Freud, man. Did anyone else think that was weird that your uncle wanted your. His mom's sex books?

[D]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

Anyone ask him what's going on with that?

[D]

No.

[B]

Okay, we got.

[D]

I don't think anyone wanted to know.

[B]

All right, so now one of those

[D]

things I have to explain later.

[A]

That's a lot of them.

[B]

I have never seen Trojan packets like those because I am Catholic and do not believe in contraception. Do you think this could be like the white Trojans here? Miles, look at that.

[A]

What year is that from?

[B]

I'm gonna look. This is. Did you keep any?

[A]

Here we go. The Joy of Sex. The back of the book. The book. This book has America's best selling gourmet guide to lovemaking.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

The book that has already shown hundreds of thousands of Americans how to attain the full enjoyment of attentive, carefree and joyous sex. We have some quotes from New York magazine. May be the best thing, best thing of its kind ever published.

[D]

Hornball. Wow.

[A]

New York magazine. New York Magazine, Washington Post says this must be one of the least in inhibited books on sex ever written.

[B]

Oh, hang on. Let me read this one. This is from Dr. Lester Kuykendall. The Joy of Sex is the Kama Sutra. Brought up to date, the Joy of Sex is an unusual and outstanding sex manual that has been edited and written by a real professional. It is. It is far. Letter. Is that letter. You think? Letter. And saner.

[A]

Better.

[B]

Thank you. Than any of the sensuousness books of recent vintage. Wow, man.

[A]

So your grandma was. She was. She was attentive, carefree and joyous when she was having sex. Just so you know.

[D]

Apparently.

[B]

Wow. And those. Those rubbers look to be from the 70s, so that I also. Oh my God.

[A]

Hiding anything.

[B]

That is so hilarious. She has a false bottom in her drawer.

[D]

Uhhuh.

[B]

God, that's kind of hot.

[D]

That maybe my grandpa made like he was very handy. And one of those pictures I sent you. It's a pole and it looks like it's a spiral.

[B]

No, it looks. That does not look like a spiral. That looks like a deck.

[A]

That looks like the world's first dildo.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And they hadn't invented silicone by then, so they just had to make it out of wood.

[B]

Also, the top of it is more faded than the bottom.

[D]

Okay, but notice at the top, there's a lot.

[A]

It almost looks like it's sanded down more at the top.

[D]

Well, I'll tell you what it was.

[B]

Oh, there's a lock and key. Sorry, we're. We're not being very attentive here. So he.

[D]

It's okay, because now I'm second guessing, like, why he had it, but he always called it. It's a screwed up pollock.

[B]

A screwed up pollock. That's funny.

[D]

He is. He was always funny like that.

[B]

And pole is an euphemism for.

[D]

Okay, stop.

[A]

Penis.

[B]

Wiener.

[D]

Penis.

[B]

Okay, well, we're being factual here.

[A]

Stop, Charlie, stop.

[B]

Now, now.

[A]

More photos. No, that's it.

[D]

No, no, no, there are, but I haven't gotten to one of them yet.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

All right, so now we go to my. Well, then we. We worked our way around the bed and got to the closet, and there's like, this fancy teddy hanging in there. And I'm like, teddy? Weird. Yeah, you know, like lingerie.

[B]

Oh, I thought you were talking about bear.

[D]

Right.

[B]

What's his teddy?

[A]

What?

[D]

There's.

[A]

There's a camera and the teddy bear.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. And, you know, I. I was.

[A]

Me and Charlie know what a teddy is. But a. For those that are listening who maybe don't know what you're talking about, explain what a teddy is in this. In this scenario.

[D]

Well, to be honest with you, I don't remember the details because I still was so traumatized by the drawer. I just. Honestly, I looked at it and thought, oh, that's a fancy nightgown. And then my cousin said, oh, look at grandma's teddy. And I just, like, put it all together, so I don't know the details of it. I just know it was there.

[A]

So basically, your grandma's got lingerie hanging in the closet.

[D]

Yes, yes. Something skimpy. And she wasn't a small lady. Was it?

[B]

Was it. She wasn't a small.

[A]

Was it crotchless or anything like that?

[D]

I don't. I don't know. I don't know. Honestly, I. Like I said, I was so traumatized.

[A]

I was just trying to make you uncomfortable.

[B]

When was the funeral? When was the funeral?

[D]

2017.

[B]

Been enough time. You got any, like, 1960s pics? Your grandma. That was curious.

[C]

Jesus.

[D]

Not on my phone. No.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

I should maybe find some when I get home.

[B]

Just one. Exactly.

[A]

Sounds like he's trying to build a spank bank here.

[B]

No, stop it, Miles. Stop it. I'm just trying to get a sense of the gal we're talking about. Just trying to get.

[D]

She was a great lady. She. She worked at a gas station, and that's where she met my grandpa. He came and did not want her working at night by herself, so he slept at the gas station overnight so she didn't have to be there alone. And then six months later, they got married.

[B]

That's so romantic.

[A]

That's insane.

[D]

I know.

[B]

That's the most.

[D]

And they were together after that? Forever.

[B]

Good Lord. No wonder. She was.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Experimenting with him. And they had a good relationship.

[D]

They did. Yeah. Until he got dementia and had sundowning and was just. He was. He was. I know it was. But no, they loved each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It was so sweet.

[A]

But.

[D]

All right, so now we get to my grandpa's side of the bed, which he had. He died in 2007, so 10 years before my grandma. Okay. So I'm like, oh, what are we gonna find in here? Well, they were. If they were like, you know, hankies, whatever. He used hankies all the time. And I think there was a crossword puzzle, maybe a couple books. But then I found something.

[A]

He's very crusty.

[D]

I. No, no, it wasn't.

[A]

Was it stiffer than the other ones?

[D]

No, the socks were, but not the hangies.

[C]

Gross.

[D]

So there were some playing cards. Three decks of playing cards. I'm like, oh, these are cool. And that's the other picture I sent you.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

These are from 1982. They're vintage. From the woman's.

[B]

It didn't come through, by the way.

[D]

Oh, okay, hold on. Let me send it.

[B]

Okay. Oh, here we go. Wow. These are guys. Man, that guy's got a full bush. Look at that guy. Zoom in, Miles. Oh, man, he's. He's a teeny weeny.

[A]

What?

[D]

Yeah, because some of them are taken out in the snow.

[B]

All right, who is this?

[A]

This is in your grandpa.

[D]

They're playing cards. Yes. There were three decks. Two decks of females and one of men.

[B]

Okay, so your grandpa swung both ways.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, but also, it could be grandma's that he's just storing over. She clearly didn't have any more room in her drawer. Paraphernalia in there.

[B]

Do look at those tan lines. Holy smokes. That guy's got a fit. But, man, six. The six clubs also would have been

[A]

nice if you would have sent us the female deck.

[D]

Yeah, well, again, I was. So. I just. I was so taken aback by all this.

[A]

You took. You took this photo for your own space.

[B]

Look at this. King of spades. Dude, that guy is ready to go. Frick. Look at the shadow work. And this guy's got a horse. You think he's gonna bare back that horse?

[A]

Oh, my God, he's gonna bear back him.

[D]

Yeah, that's a different car of a guy riding a horse.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Fully nude, huh?

[A]

This call has been more than I bargained for.

[B]

I know.

[A]

What else?

[D]

So is cleaning out my grandma's house.

[B]

Yeah, this is kind of fun. So look at him. Burt Reynolds.

[D]

Remember, I'm the youngest on these photos, by the way.

[B]

Just gotta see what they're working with.

[A]

Chuck. There you go.

[B]

I see.

[A]

Zoom in. I mean, is that a. It could be a girl.

[B]

Well, look. Look on this. Look on this. You can kind of see the. The ball coming below there. Got some ball droop there.

[D]

Oh, my gosh. I have never looked at these that closely.

[B]

Oh, whatever. You've never looked at them that closely.

[D]

Nope.

[A]

Yeah, this guy's got so many back muscles, it almost looks like he's got back boobs.

[B]

Yeah, he's got back titties. Look at that. Bitties.

[A]

You know which one I'm talking about too, don't you? The.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

The jack of clubs.

[B]

And he's got his hand right there. It looks like he's jagging his club. Oh, man. Maybe that's why they're so strong. Yikes.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yikes. This is not Catholic, okay? This is.

[D]

Nope, it's not.

[A]

Did you find anything else?

[D]

It's disturbing. Okay. No, I didn't. However, we go into their laundry room. We're just having a conversation, and I'm talking to some of my cousins. I'm like, oh, my gosh. I cannot. I just. I can't believe that we have found all that stuff. This is awful. And they're going, amanda, don't you remember their old house? So they lived in. In one house from. For a long time until I was about 18. Then they moved into this house. We were cleaning up. Don't you remember their old house? And the ceiling in their bedroom that was covered in mirrors. I'm like, what?

[A]

That's hot, dude.

[B]

What, dude?

[D]

All this time. So my grandpa, he was a sa. So they. They had a lot of money, but not because they, like, you know, had some big fancy jobs. He saved everything. All the coins my grandma found. Metal, picking. Clean them, dry them, everything. Okay. So I thought since I didn't see mirrors in any of my friends houses. In the bedroom on the ceiling. I thought it was like a fancy feature of the house.

[B]

It is fancy.

[D]

Oh, it's gross.

[B]

No, you think nothing can reach the mirrors. They're probably pretty.

[D]

I don't care if it can reach or not. It's gross.

[B]

I mean, who knows?

[D]

This is my grandparents we're talking about.

[A]

All right, well, here's the thing.

[B]

That's. That's so hot.

[A]

So do you. Are you married?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Do you guys, like sleep in different rooms? Do you guys never touch each other?

[D]

No, we live in the same room.

[A]

How do you think you exist in this world?

[D]

You know, my mom,

[A]

without the mirrors, you don't exist.

[D]

Oh, it's so bad though. My mom says every generation thinks that they're the ones that invented sex.

[A]

I'm with your mom on that one.

[D]

Oh, it's so gross.

[B]

I also love that they are penny pinchers and they invested in mirrors on their ceiling.

[D]

Okay. Oh, wait, I almost forgot this. Then my cousins say, do you remember in their basement? Yeah. And that whole VHS collection? Yeah. Well, grandpa used to record porn off the TV and then sell it to his friends at work.

[B]

That, oh, is awesome that you could have led with that. Could have led with that. Just bootlegging Cinemax pornography.

[D]

And he had. They had one of those like original big screen TVs that was like a 4 foot by 4 foot big old box that sat on the floor.

[A]

I like that your grandpa is so into sex that it's not even. It's like surpass being like this, like vice for him. And it's now just like part of what his daily living is. All right, honey, I'm home from work. I just finished dinner. I'm going to go rip some. I'm gonna go rip some coeds. College coeds go wild. So I can bring them to work

[B]

tomorrow and sell them some night nurses from Jersey.

[D]

And then when I was talking to my friends about this, I'm like, hey, I got this text that they're gonna call me on Monday. And so I'm telling them the whole story. And I was telling them about the. The VHS tapes and they go, well, was he recording the two of them? I never even thought about that. They better not have been.

[B]

That was my question. And I bet you. Is the house cleared out yet? Oh, yeah, Fully cleared out.

[D]

Yeah, it has been for 26 years.

[B]

Oh, okay. Oh, the old house. The old house.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, the old house.

[B]

And you didn't. No one found anything in the new one?

[D]

No, no. So who knows where those went from?

[B]

You know, they were doing that A to point B. Did they have a camcorder?

[D]

Oh, yeah. One of those huge, huge ones that has to sit on your shoulder.

[A]

They used to hook it up that would. Did they have a tripod, is the question.

[D]

I don't know.

[A]

They probably had a.

[D]

Probably. Probably. They had just about every little gadget, and if they didn't have it, my grandpa would make it. So, like, when we were going through all the tools in the garage, there's this pair of pliers that on the end of one handle and he soldered on Phillips bit. And on the end of the other handle, he soldered on a flathead bit. So you've got a. Two screwdrivers and pliers on our.

[B]

Dude, that is. Yeah.

[D]

He was so smart like that.

[B]

You should patent that.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

But also, you should. I. It's called a Swiss army knife, Charlie. You should also patent that Pollock. We now can confirm what that was used for, by the way.

[D]

Huh?

[B]

Ribbed.

[D]

Ribbed, yes. It's screwed up, that's for sure.

[A]

Yeah. Screwed a lot in its time.

[B]

Screwed up, screwed down. Depending on the mirror you're looking in,

[A]

could be doing both. How have you been doing on not letting this taint the memory?

[B]

Yeah. You really want to get on the ball to make sure?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well,

[D]

it's actually just a funny story now. You know, I've grown up a little since then. Yeah, a little.

[A]

You got your own hidden drawer in your nightstand.

[D]

Oh, yeah. All right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So.

[D]

All right, I can tattle on me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What do you got in your nightstand?

[D]

So I hope my mom doesn't listen to this. Well, whatever, because, you know, every generation

[B]

thinks they invented sex.

[D]

I know, right?

[A]

Whatever you have in your nightstand, your mom has two of them. So let's go.

[D]

Okay. That's gross, because my dad died when I was 15. I was like 30 years ago. Gross. Anyway. Yes. Anyways, so my. My friend came over one time to meet our dogs, and she always brings, like, little toys or treats for them. And one of them was this long, green cylindrical toy that, you know, it's, like, made of, I don't know, rubber, silicone, whatever dog toys are made of. And my first thought was, wow, that kind of looks like a dildo, but whatever. So it actually was supposed to look like a log, a very small log. So one day my husband's like, hey, I know that your toy doesn't work anymore, so I'm going to order one. Okay. So, you know, it comes in like a. A Discreet package, right. Unmarked. So I opened it, looked at it. It's still in the package. I throw it up on our dresser, and our boys come into our bedroom, and one day Lucas says, mom, when are you going to give that dog toy to. To the dogs? So what dog toy? That one on. In that package on your dresser. I'm like, I. I don't know. When they chew up the other one.

[A]

So now your dog just plays with the dildo? No, that'd be funny. If you, like, you lie.

[B]

You gotta follow the bit.

[A]

Your friends come over and your dog is just deep throat in your dildo.

[D]

Sick.

[B]

The ground in your backyard is vibrating because he's.

[D]

No, no, that's an expensive dog.

[A]

Dogs, like, trying to sit on. You're like, okay, that's. You know how dogs sometimes scratch their butt on the carpet? He's just scratching his butt. Yeah. I mean, oh, boy, look at you getting all grossed out by your grandma, and you're letting your kids see your dildos. So what?

[B]

Yeah. And then one day they're gonna listen to this podcast and they're gonna know.

[D]

Yeah. Well, you know, my one son thinks all that is gross. Ew.

[C]

Gross.

[D]

So, yeah, I know.

[A]

Also, let's not, like, just glaze over the fact.

[B]

That was good. That was good.

[A]

Plays over the fact that you. That you literally wore out your last dildo and had to get a new one.

[C]

So you really.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, come on. Ye. Without sin. Cast the first stone here.

[B]

Cast the first bone, Miles.

[D]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

It's a hard life.

[D]

Dog bone. Casting a dog bone.

[B]

Well, that was. We'll go with that.

[A]

I am glad, though, that the story went the way it was, because I thought you saw it were like, oh, I'd like to try that one out.

[B]

I was nervous about that two Miles. I was like, hey, no, it's a kid show. Okay.

[D]

Yeah, it is.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

Well, you know what I love about this? She's just pacing around the break room at the school right now, and when she hangs up, she's going to be like, all right, let's all learn our ABCs.

[D]

It's funny because I am pacing, but only because I can't sit still. But I'm outside, and I'm across the street from the school.

[B]

So there you go.

[D]

My kids are. They're in computer class right now.

[A]

Homer Own.

[B]

You left them alone in computer class?

[D]

No, there's a computer teacher.

[A]

All right.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, we appreciate you sharing your. Your story about your. Your grandparents.

[D]

You didn't even ask where I'm from.

[B]

Where are you from? Well, I'm from.

[D]

No, I'm from Riga, Michigan.

[B]

Reaga, Michigan.

[D]

Riga, R I G A. It's about 10 minutes north. 10 miles north of Toledo.

[B]

How big is.

[D]

Yeah, how big is Toledo? Isn't it about a third of Milwaukee?

[B]

About a third of Milwaukee, yeah. How big is Milwaukee?

[D]

Oh, it's about three times the size of Toledo, I think.

[B]

About three Toledos. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Now I know exactly how big it is.

[B]

Yeah. How big is Riga?

[D]

Oh, gosh. Well, I'll tell you. It used to have two bars, two churches and a blinking light. Now it has two churches and a blinking light.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

So you say it's like an eighth Toledo?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay, well, it's pretty small.

[D]

Well, Toledo's about eight Rigas.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Hey, she must be a math teacher.

[D]

I was a math major. Heck yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Love it.

[B]

Oh, well, you know what you should do?

[A]

She did that just so she could do the bit. She knew that.

[B]

I love that. She's a super fan. Here's what I want you to do. We gotta give you a little. Give you a little prescription. A little bellied up prescription.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

You have to. And you have to have a euchre night. And you gotta use the decks. Yeah, the hard decks.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

They were all pretty flaccid in what I saw.

[D]

I. I'm good.

[B]

I think back then the rule was you couldn't have a hard. A stiffy.

[D]

They got a rule about that.

[B]

Yeah, no stiffies.

[A]

And no. And yeah.

[B]

Those were like National Geographic cards. Those were just guys working.

[A]

What if it was just like a deck of cards? Photos from an uncontacted tribe, you know, and you're sexualizing them. Jesus, just get your head out of the.

[B]

Somewhere in Scandinavia.

[A]

Those are purely educational, huh?

[D]

For photography class. My one friend here is like, those are really good. I like those. I like the angle of the way he's looking and where the camera.

[A]

Camera angle was breaking down the composition of the phone.

[D]

You are missing the point here.

[A]

I mean, that was the way that your grandpa sounds. How much porn he watched. He was probably doing that with the stuff he was watching too.

[B]

Yeah. We gotta find the lost grandpa tapes.

[D]

Oh, no, thank you. No, thank you. Well, I just, I. I didn't realize how that. That there was that other side to my grandpa while he was living. I think I would have liked to get to know that.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, all right.

[A]

The horny side of your grandpa.

[D]

No, no, I mean, like, I always thought he Was, you know, on the straight and narrow, and he was quiet and shy and reserved and. No, because he used to. We knew it was time to leave if we were there visiting, and you're drinking a can of pop and you set it down, and he comes along to see if it's empty because he's gonna clean it up.

[B]

Yeah, he's ready. Here's rearing to go at that moment.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Everyone, finish your pops.

[D]

Oh, my.

[B]

Not wasting any of them.

[A]

You're like, yeah, my grandma always went to bed right before we all left.

[D]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

Preparing.

[B]

He's just. He finds.

[A]

And then it sounded like she was working with power tools in there.

[B]

I don't know what it was.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Then they'd come out to the kitchen, and they'd take all the plastic grocery bags and smooth them out as smooth as they could and fold them up perfectly. Now my mom does it.

[B]

She. Wow.

[D]

That's what I have to look forward to when I get older. Folding plastic bag.

[B]

Folding grocery bags is next level. That's a forgotten art. That is a forgotten art. Now everyone's just smashing them, stuffing them in the bag of bags, you know?

[D]

Yep, that's right.

[B]

Wow. Folding bags. They must have been this.

[A]

I've actually.

[B]

Kinky stuff, dude. If they're folding back, well, it fits

[A]

in her purse better. So if they need a quick cleanup, they got it.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

Instead of going just unfold, it. Travels through TSA better.

[B]

Still trying to think of what that glove was used for, man. Dental dam.

[D]

I don't. I. I don't know, but it was with all the other stuff.

[B]

So how many kids did they have?

[D]

Three.

[A]

That's. That's what the condoms were for, Chuck.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

There might have been more.

[B]

You could have.

[A]

God for Mr. Trojan.

[B]

You could have sold those condoms. I. I found some on some vintage Trojans for sale. You could have made a nice mint. Did they have the. The metal box with the Trojans?

[D]

No. What. What you saw is how they were.

[B]

You don't think they were swinging at all, do you?

[D]

I don't think think so. I don't know. I don't think so. But maybe. I mean, I. I didn't know my grandma. Grandpa were like that.

[A]

Maybe they didn't need a tripod for their camera.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, that's a good yeah.

[D]

Because my grandpa made his own tripod.

[B]

Oh, gross.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[D]

I know.

[B]

The longer we talk, you know, every conversation.

[A]

America's youth.

[D]

I know. Hey, you want to know what I Had on my ceiling last year.

[B]

He shot that far.

[D]

Watch.

[A]

Mirrors.

[D]

No, no. And when I say ceiling, I mean in my classroom.

[B]

Okay, thanks for. Could you specify that before we guessed?

[D]

Actually, I. I got these.

[C]

What.

[D]

What I'm about to tell you started out in my room that I had two years ago, and then I had to change rooms for last year and they traveled with me. And then I had to change rooms this year and they traveled with me. But so two years ago we had a like a glow neon party thing, and the assistant in my room ordered these, like, glow in the dark kind of sticky balls, kind of. And the kids discovered if they threw them at the ceiling, they stuck. Yeah, like you do that. And they're done. They're done. There were two that stuck near each other that were blue. So of course the kids don't know what that means. So that was always our. Our joke. Like, hey, wow, look at my blue balls. So they. Last year I moved them to my classroom and they hung above my computer, but they've lost their stickiness. So now they are.

[A]

Just because you're typing on the computer and you look up and then all of a sudden your blue balls just land right on your face. What a disaster.

[D]

But they are in my room right next to this stick that looks like a really oversized iud.

[A]

You got. You got tea bagged by your blue balls on your ceiling.

[D]

That's so gross.

[B]

And she remembered her grandpa.

[D]

I will now that's still with us, right?

[B]

You know, you guys. Is your husband handy?

[D]

Oh, my gosh, yes. Yes, he is. He can be.

[B]

Have him put a mirror up on your ceiling for an honor of grandma and grandpa.

[D]

Okay. I. I don't know if I can do that because I live. We live in the house that I grew up in. So like, there's like.

[A]

So there were already mirrors when we moved here.

[D]

No, it's not the house my mom grew up in. It's the house I grew up in. That's where I live.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But no, your mom's fault.

[D]

My mom is.

[B]

No, no, she's falling the bag.

[A]

No. When was the last time you were in your parents bedroom?

[C]

You know.

[D]

Okay. No, there's not.

[B]

Okay. There was on the wall, of course.

[A]

I mean, that's pretty standard stuff in a bedroom.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, my gosh. And then. Okay, so my mom did traumatize me about my dad, though. I don't know. We were talking the other last year one time about something and it was related to being circumcised or not. And he. She's like, well, you know, your dad wasn't. I'm like, what?

[B]

Oh, dad's not.

[D]

I did not need to know that. I didn't need to know that I called my brother. I'm like, I'm not the only one that needs to know this. Wow. I already knew that.

[B]

Is your brother cut?

[D]

I don't know.

[A]

Ask him.

[D]

Yeah, I don't need to know.

[A]

I don't think you guys have any barriers in this family.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, maybe I will ask him.

[B]

Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little hanky panky. It's the way of the world. We're destigmatizing it here on the bellied up pod, right, Miles?

[D]

Apparently, yeah.

[A]

We're like the male version of the Collar Daddy podcast at this point.

[B]

Call her granddaddy.

[A]

Call her granddaddy.

[D]

Oh, my gosh. But no, I didn't. I.

[B]

Who got grand Teddy?

[D]

I have no idea. I imagine it was probably given to goodwill or something I like.

[A]

Oh, that just doesn't get thrown away.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I only took one piece of get

[A]

L. Does your uncle have it in a shadow box?

[D]

No. No. That's sick. Well, I took a yellow dress that I wear for book character day at school, and it is school appropriate.

[A]

Okay. All right, well, if it's from 50s, it definitely was.

[D]

Yes, it probably is.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Maybe 70s.

[B]

You ever think about that truck?

[D]

No.

[B]

Hey, this was real good call. This was fun.

[A]

Charlie.

[C]

We.

[B]

We met our. We met our peak in this conversation around. Around the blue balls.

[A]

So the climax of the conversation, it's

[B]

just pillow talk right now. I feel like I need a cigarette after this conversation.

[D]

Oh, God.

[B]

Good Lord.

[D]

Or a shot.

[B]

Oh, man. Yeah. All right, well, this was real good. Okay. You gave me. You gave us all some ideas to explore a little bit more out there.

[D]

Yeah. You can find the joys of sex and

[A]

by the Washington Post on the back of that.

[B]

I can't believe the.

[C]

What?

[B]

Oh, it's New York Post.

[A]

There's both New York magazine and Washington Post.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Oh, geez.

[A]

Well, we appreciate you calling in and sharing all of your family's deepest, darkest secrets.

[D]

Oh, yeah. I told my mom. I said, I promise. I said, I'll say my name, but I will not mention grandma and grandpa's name. And I didn't.

[B]

I was almost gonna ask, so.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Just tell me if I'm right. Is your grandpa's name Dick?

[D]

No.

[B]

Just curious.

[A]

How about. Yeah, how about Willie?

[B]

Peter?

[D]

No.

[A]

John?

[B]

Frank?

[D]

No. No.

[B]

All right.

[D]

They're all wrong.

[B]

Well, good.

[D]

Thank you, guys.

[B]

Good Chit chatting here. This was real fun.

[D]

Yeah, it was. It was a great way to break up my day.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Tell the kids we say hi, but.

[D]

Oh, yeah, all of them. I'll tell the dogs you said hi to. Yeah, I'll throw them a bone.

[B]

Well, make sure it doesn't turn on. All right.

[D]

Okay. All right, thanks, guys.

[B]

Thank you. See ya. Miles, what do you have in your house you hope your kids don't find one day or.

[A]

I hope they do, I think.

[B]

Yeah. What? What is it?

[A]

Everything's so digital these days.

[B]

You got a pair of silk silk boxers?

[A]

Yeah, I got a banana silk banana hammock.

[B]

Do you. What's the most erratic undies you got there, Miles?

[A]

Probably just some like real short boxer briefs.

[B]

Real short, yeah. Just trapping all that heat in there.

[A]

They're like, like they look like whitey tidies looking at the front, except for like, it's just not cut up on the side, you know?

[B]

Yeah, they really.

[A]

Yeah, and I only got those because I accidentally got the short. Like, you know, you buy mine and you don't realize you're buying the shorter ones.

[B]

Suzanne like them.

[A]

I don't know. I should try it out. I don't wear them ever. That's the problem.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What about you?

[B]

Not comfortable. I don't really have much. Kind of boring.

[A]

He paused because he was rifling through everything that he had in his mind and was like, nope, can't say that. Can't say that. Can't say that. Can't say that.

[B]

I don't really have much. It's like, it was like a stuttered

[C]

sigh, like,

[A]

let's see, everything. I could say, no, no, I don't

[B]

need to give you any more ammunition, Miles. You're fully loaded. Well, what do you think?

[A]

Should we do another caller?

[B]

Yeah, Josh, how's it going? Going good, Josh. How is it hanging with you, man? How are you feeling, huh?

[C]

I'm doing good. Just delivering some mail.

[A]

Oh, you're a mailman.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

What I was gonna say, Superman does good. You are well, but you do good too, delivering that mail. A hero. You like that? You never heard that? My English teacher always said that Superman does good. You are doing well.

[C]

I've never heard that before.

[B]

It's a common. It's. It's a common phrase. Anyway.

[C]

Josh, just deliver this to the school. Just give me like one second.

[B]

Yeah, we'll listen.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

We're just hanging on Josh's mail route right now. Don't you feel like you're in his mailbag? Right now?

[A]

Well, that was gonna be my question. I was gonna have him speculate on the stuff that he's delivering.

[B]

Oh, yeah. What if he's going to that same school in Michigan?

[A]

What if he was?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like a package. It looks like it's about 8 inches wide.

[B]

Yes. I think there are latium batteries.

[C]

You guys got any outgoing?

[A]

Oh, it's not vibrating packages.

[C]

Take care.

[B]

See you now. Windy out there, Josh?

[C]

Oh, man, you guys have me shaking like a leaf in there. They're probably like, what's this guy?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, could they hear us?

[C]

Oh, no. I got you through my headphones.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, so you could hear us.

[B]

Where are you calling in from, Josh?

[C]

I live out here in Washington.

[B]

Blustery day out there.

[C]

Yeah, it's pretty windy. It's supposed to get to, like, 79 today, though.

[A]

Well, you're. You're clearly the mail guy. Let's. Let's dive into the. The. It's mail time. Here's the mail. It never fails.

[B]

It makes me want to wake my tail when it comes. I want to whale.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What's on your mind today?

[C]

Oh, man. Well, you know, I. I kind of forgot why I called in, but, I mean, I am a mailman, so if you guys got any questions about the mail, you know.

[B]

Oh, do we have mail questions? Yeah.

[C]

Oh, do you?

[B]

What happens if someone's rapid fire here? All right, what happen if you send a bottle of booze? Do you guys shake it and say, I can't deliver it?

[C]

Oh, geez. You know, I think that's hazardous. So I think we'd have to drink it and send it back to the receipt, you know? Send it back to the sender.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I like that answer.

[C]

I mean. I mean, dump it out.

[A]

Why. Why do you guys have to wear such short. Such short shorts?

[C]

Well, we like the way people started looking at our kneecaps, and we just wanted to keep that going for years, you know? So you can tell a good mailman by how strong his kneecaps are. That's the first thing you look at when you see the mailman.

[A]

I have heard that before.

[B]

How fun is it to drive the mail truck?

[C]

Scale of 1 to 10, it's probably about a 9.8. Pretty fun.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

You get in there and be like, I'm the mailman. Put a smile on everybody's face.

[B]

Have you ever pulled up to a stoplight?

[A]

I thought we were alternating questions here.

[B]

Okay, fine.

[A]

How many bastard children do you have?

[C]

Oh, geez. You know, I don't know. If I can answer that, being a mailman and all, I don't. I think I might have given you guys too much information about where I'm from.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

How good are your kneecaps?

[C]

You know, I don't like the brag personally.

[B]

He's got like a hundred bastard children, dude.

[A]

My follow up question is, is have you ever had someone you're delivering mail to come on to you?

[C]

I have actually. It was kind of interesting, you know. Do you guys want to hear about that?

[B]

Yeah, absolutely, dude. We just got done talking to this gal about her grandparents sexual proclivities. So we, we're primed.

[C]

That sounds fun. Well, you know, I don't know how old her grandpa was or whatever, but you know, some of the people that come on to me, you could classify them as cougars.

[B]

Cougars, okay. Oh yeah, Cougar bait.

[C]

Over here we got, we got a lot of. We're real close to the woods, you know, so you see all the cougars from where I'm sitting.

[B]

Nice, nice. Have you ever been tempted by one?

[C]

No, no, no, no. I'm happily married. I don't, I got four kids. I don't. I come here, feed my kids. I don't come here to feed myself. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[B]

No, we respect that too. We respect that.

[A]

Do you.

[B]

But when you get home, do you, do you tell your wife, hey, kind of got, got a little heat going on the route today just to get her jealous, you know.

[C]

So that's the funny thing is she was actually on the phone with me when this lady was coming on to me. It was.

[A]

That's awesome, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know. Okay, so I was delivering this package.

[B]

Yeah, you were?

[C]

Oh, yeah, I was, I was just throwing it down, you know, and she was like, hey, it was like a really hot day. And she's like, oh, have you seen my bra? I'm expecting a bra. And I didn't realize it until then, but this woman was clearly not wearing a bra. And,

[A]

and it was really hot out that day. But for whatever reason, she's nipping out.

[C]

Exactly. I mean, those things were like Mount, you know, Everest or whatever. We live around a lot of pine trees up here. And they were like, you know, like, you know how like when they clear cut an area. See that one really big tree there? You know?

[A]

Yeah, I got you.

[C]

Yeah. So anyway, so she, she said that to me and was kind of giving me a wink and I was like, you know, I, I must have left it in the mailbox. I apologize. And I turned around and. I wasn't having none of that.

[A]

I'm just getting this now. She probably didn't have a bra in the mail.

[B]

Yeah, no, she didn't. That was an invite.

[A]

I'm just figuring that out now.

[B]

What did your wife say when she heard that?

[A]

Well, I got her.

[C]

I have. I have my wife through my headphones, kind of like I got you guys right now. And we were talking about something, and then every time someone else, like, she can hear somebody talk, she kind of goes quiet. So after that, she was like. She got kind of mad at me, you know, like. I don't know, it was. It was a little while ago, but she got mad at me, and then we ended up hanging up after that. And so, you know, then I had to laugh some music in my car and make up for it, you know.

[B]

She got mad at you for what?

[C]

I guess she was expecting me to be like, you know, hey, don't come on to me. Something like that.

[B]

I mean, I don't know. You gotta see this woman every day on your route.

[C]

I guess that's fair. Maybe. Maybe. I think she kind of saw it as, you know, oh. So I. Now I gotta deal with, you know, putting up with that every day, you

[A]

know, what is your wife doing that she can just be on the phone with you all day?

[C]

Oh, she's got a way harder job than I do. You know, I think you can guess what I'm gonna say.

[A]

She works for UPS instead of USPS. She works for FedEx.

[B]

Wow. I think you just ground his gears there.

[C]

Oh, dude, if I had something to say to you for that. Oh, boy.

[B]

Say it. Say it.

[C]

Well, I, you know, I mean, we work side by side with FedEx and UPS, and we appreciate them a lot, but they do half the job we do. You know, tell you the truth.

[B]

Who gets paid more?

[C]

Oh, they definitely. Ups.

[B]

You're. You're out here doing it for the love of the game, man. You're doing for the love of the game. And they.

[C]

They.

[B]

They took the pay. They took the payday. They took the buyout. They sold out to the private mail.

[C]

You think about it, we.

[B]

We do mail, and they're just package jockeys over there. You're. You're delivering the notes from the irs.

[C]

Exactly. Somebody's got to do it. The IRS can't do it themselves. You know, that'd be illegal.

[A]

So what's your biggest beef with FedEx and UPS?

[C]

Well, this one time, okay, so we have these mailboxes called hardship boxes. And, like, older people, if they're living Alone. And they have like medical problems. They can get a hardship box placed at their front porch instead of like at the street.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

And this lady applied for a hardship box. And you know, so there's like a whole process, the government, you know, I mean, so it takes a little bit to get things accomplished. And she was going on to me about how she was upset because, you know, I was not delivering to her mom's front porch for a little while. And I was like, well, you know, I can't. I can't go out of my line of travel. I mean, I haven't strictly monitored by gps, so, you know, I can't like do that. And she was like, oh, well, you can't use that excuse on me. I worked with FedEx for six years and I know everything about your job. And I'm like, okay, what do you say to that? You know.

[A]

Well, did she catch you in a lie?

[C]

No, I can't. We have GPS's. It's in the scanner. We go outside of it. They. They ding it and then we get it depends on how nice you're not postmas supervisor is.

[B]

Yeah, it's like a microchip or something. Can you disable that? Can you pop it out of your machine?

[C]

Yeah, I wish. I guess I could turn off the battery, but then they'd get a ding on. On that.

[B]

Well, you know why they started doing that is because there were too many mailman children going on around there.

[C]

Do you guys have a problem with that out there in the Midwest?

[A]

The way we talk about it, it doesn't sound like that's happening a lot.

[C]

Wow. Is that what's going on?

[A]

And I can confidently say I don't know a single person that was birthed from a. From a mailman.

[B]

Yeah, you wouldn't know that, Miles. You'd have to see the mailman next to your buddy and be like, oh, yeah, no one's admitting to it. Mailman. They're the modern day sailors, man. They got a. They got spawn at every port, so.

[C]

But I can think of at least like eight people that were born from a mailman that I know.

[B]

Well, you know, four right now, man. You got four kids, you said.

[C]

Oh, I guess more than that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I got four kids. Yeah. Good for you, I'm gonna say, because my uncle and my aunt work for the post office too.

[B]

Oh, okay. Family beds.

[A]

We're going to play a fun game and we can hear you scanning the packages in the background.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I want you to speculate on what is inside of each.

[C]

Oh, you can hear it? It's that loud?

[B]

Oh, yeah. So loud.

[C]

Is it like hurting your ears?

[A]

No, we're fine. And we. We're not wussies. I used to run a concrete saw with no ear protection. I can't. I can. It's just like a normal sound.

[B]

Is that why you're. Your headphones are up so high?

[A]

What. What are you thinking you're delivering right now?

[C]

Right now? Okay, let's see. Well, it's a big package. Okay, so really long one. And it's rectangular, so about six feet tall. What do you think?

[B]

Six foot curtain rod?

[C]

Well, okay, could be five foot.

[A]

Is it like £200? And where was that gal?

[B]

Michigan, I think. Well, we got half the game down.

[C]

Yeah, I don't know. What was that supposed to

[B]

guess? What was in the package?

[C]

I thought you guys were doing this, speculating.

[B]

Oh, we were just kind of for fun.

[C]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I think it's probably curtain rod. I can see, but it was. It was a little bit thicker than that, so maybe not.

[B]

Well, thicker than a curtain rod, huh?

[C]

Yeah, well, it was about maybe by

[A]

a telescoping stripper pole.

[B]

Telescoping stripper pole.

[C]

There you go. Maybe it's a whips and chains in there too.

[B]

Hey now. Hey now. We had a really dirty call right before this.

[A]

We're still. We're still cooling down, as you can tell. Yeah.

[B]

This woman found her grandmother's prophylactics from the 70s and also some naked sexual protection from the 70s.

[C]

Yeah, what was it?

[B]

Condoms.

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

Why.

[C]

Nice. Just out there. Just. All right.

[B]

Some Trojans. Few Trojans.

[C]

She was like normal then. In the 70s.

[B]

Oh, she wasn't normal, dude. She had a little hidden compartment in her drawer where she had vintage sexual books. The Pleasure of Sex, Volume 1 and 2.

[A]

Joy of Sex.

[B]

The Joy of Sex, Volume 1 and 2. A Rubber Glove. A wooden bill. Dull.

[C]

And a wooden dildo.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Jesus.

[C]

You see the cucumber like everyone else?

[B]

I mean,

[C]

what are you, special? Come on, lady.

[B]

I bet. I bet she, you know, I bet they had some cucumbers, but.

[A]

Had a few cucumbers.

[B]

That's what they call it, you know, she cute. Came. So listen, we got to discuss a little bit more. Do you carry dog treats with you?

[C]

Oh, man. Okay. You know, I used to be. Before I got my own route, I used to be an rca, which is basically an assistant. And I'd be the fill in guy for everybody.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And there was a couple carriers who would feed Dogs on their route out. And those dogs were just barking, bark and bark at me. And you know, I don't, I don't do that. We're not supposed to do that. And it's just because it's a safety hazard, you know?

[B]

Yeah, well, it's a safety hazard not to. Not to have dog treats on you, dude. If you get an angry rottweiler on your tail, but you have a doggy treat, that'll save you a testicle.

[C]

So, you know, but I have this really cool thing it's called, called dog spray. And I haven't used it yet, but one of these days, man,

[B]

you're gonna pepper spray a dog.

[C]

Well, that's why I haven't used it yet. I still gotta get over that.

[B]

I didn't know they had. Did you know they had dog spray?

[C]

Mouse?

[B]

I know they have bear spray.

[A]

Yeah, you better get definitely just bear spray. But. But with a new label on it.

[C]

Yeah, basically. Even tastes the same.

[B]

Do you taste it?

[C]

No, but you can smell it when you shoot it.

[B]

How many times have you shot that? Shot your pepper?

[C]

Well, you know, they just issue it to you and then it's kind of like on you to. Are you kidding me?

[B]

That's government issued pepper spray for dogs. We are paying. Taxpayers are paying for doggy pepper spray. Mouse. Did you know this?

[C]

I did not. Actually, you're not. Taxpayers aren't paying for anything that has to do with the postal service.

[B]

Explain that to us.

[C]

Well, ever since like the 60s, they've stopped taxes going towards the Postal Service. It's 100% paid for by the packages and stamps that people buy.

[A]

Hey, so you're paying for it if you're sending stuff through the mail. That's why stamps are so expensive, because all the pepper spray.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

We're just using gallons of that.

[A]

You could probably see a correlation of increase in stamp prices and when they started handing out dog pepper spray.

[B]

Wow, that's. Do you collect stamps?

[C]

No, I'm not a clerk.

[A]

He doesn't like. He likes to leave work at work.

[B]

Charlie, what's your favorite stamp you've ever seen on a package?

[C]

I like the American flag one. That's pretty cool.

[B]

That's the most boring stamp.

[A]

It's a great stamp.

[B]

Yeah, I like the one with the Christmas tree every Christmas.

[C]

Yeah, no, there's a spongebob one. It's pretty good.

[B]

Well, there you go.

[C]

He's a big spongebob face.

[A]

He said that like his boss is listening. Yeah, he said that like NSA is listening to this call I like the

[B]

American Flight 1, sir. I've never fathered any kids on this route. Don't check my gps.

[A]

Do you guys at the post office say the Pledge of Allegiance before you go out on your route? Because that's what it sounds like. When you said that's your favorite stamp,

[C]

is that really what it sounded like? Like, I. I said it like. Like a drill sergeant? Is that what you're saying?

[A]

No, just like.

[B]

Just like. Oh, like a boy scout, you know,

[A]

sucking up a little bit.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, you know, it is the most popular stamp for a reason. Okay.

[B]

How bad has penmanship gotten?

[C]

Oh, it's pretty bad. You know, some people use, like, reflective markers and stuff.

[B]

Oh, God.

[C]

And for the life of me, like, I can't see that. I don't know if it's just because I'm retarded, but. So, like, I'm not weighing.

[B]

I guess the boss isn't listening.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you ever get.

[B]

Do you ever see a real nice piece of handwriting and, you know the woman who wrote it's, like, 82 years old?

[D]

Old.

[C]

Yeah. Usually everyone that's nice as an older. Older person, all the. All the young people nowadays just kind of sprawl stuff out there and, like, throw it at you, you know? Yeah.

[B]

Entitled. Go learn cursive.

[C]

You know, all these people trying to buy any other kind of stamp other than the flag, you know, can't go

[A]

wrong with the American Communists buying spongebob stamps.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't usually like getting political, but I've noticed a lot more people putting the flags on upside down and.

[B]

Oh, jeepers, criminy. Hey, what's one thing that. That you think everyone should know about the post office?

[C]

Oh, man, you know, we're just professionals. You know, if you got something wrong with your package, it's probably anybody else's fault but ours. There you go.

[A]

Follow up question. What. What actually happens when my package gets lost at usps?

[C]

Oh, man, I have no clue. You know, I. You know, I could say it's. There's reasons where, like, you know, sometimes the label gets half peeled off and gets stuck to another label, and so it just takes a trip to another post office, basically. You know, usually it's. It's all the. It's all the robots, faults, you know?

[B]

What do you guys do with the packages that can't. Like, you don't even know who it is, where it's going.

[A]

You're gonna find out this week, Charlie.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because we're gonna shoot a YouTube video where I bought a bunch of unclaimed freight and we're gonna open it together.

[B]

No, you didn't. You did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dude, I didn't know you could do that.

[A]

Yeah. How much, how much stuff? Yeah, I got one from regular usps, one from dhl, and then a couple of boxes of tools that were unclear.

[B]

Unclaimed freight, Dude, I didn't know we could. How much that cost.

[A]

Go buy it online.

[B]

Oh, I'm so excited. Wow. Okay, so let me ask you. Would that. Would, would. If there's something where you don't have the address, does that go into unclaimed freight?

[C]

Yeah, so we call it dead letter, basically, but it's pretty much the same thing. And then it has to be, like, investigated by the Secret. The Postal Inspection Service.

[B]

Dude, how do you get that job?

[C]

You know, I haven't never applied for it, but every time one of those guys comes into my office, everyone starts sweating. Sweating, you know.

[B]

Oh. Because they're looking at the cameras figuring out, yes, osha. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, no, not worse. They're like the OSHA for osha.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

So they're walking into OSHA and they're sweating.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, people who have that job, I mean, they know, they know they're badasses.

[B]

Do you, do you have ambitions of getting to that level? Are you happy where you're at?

[C]

No, I'm just trying to feed my family, man.

[B]

Okay, what's. What's the dream job?

[C]

Oh, I kind of like where I'm at. I mean, it's salary. I. So, like, I can work. Let's say my route is evaluated for nine hours a day. So I work, you know, if I get done at 3 o' clock in the afternoon, I'm still getting paid for two hours.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

Pretty. Pretty easy. I don't got really any stress. I mean, other than like, you know, all the stuff I have to deliver every day. But once you start kind of like putting your mindset to like, this is just what I have to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Get it done.

[B]

And you're outside all day.

[C]

Yeah, outside all day. You know, sometimes you get in the mood where it's like, man, I don't want to talk to a single motherfucker. Yeah.

[A]

And that's when you have a Karen show up and she's like. And she's like, just put the mail in the box.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. You know, that's. That's the best thing. Yeah, there's lots of crash outs, I guess. Have you heard about the 80s for the United States? Postal service going postal. Yeah, it's. It's a lot better now, so, you know.

[B]

Yeah, and they worked that out. Got you a few more bennies.

[C]

Yeah, a few. Yeah, there's a few. You know, I got the. I got the theft Blue Cross Blue Shield, so it's like, you know, I can go to anywhere, and they're like, oh, we'll do anything to you, dude.

[B]

It's pretty good. You got a pension.

[A]

You're just describing a government job at this point.

[C]

Yeah, basically.

[A]

Get it. You got it easy. Okay.

[C]

Oh, no, it's hard, man. I gotta let you know, there's. There's people here who hate it, and, you know, that's fine. I. I figure kind of my lot in life. I used to be a mover, you know, like, moving people, packing their stuff, putting it on a truck. Yeah, this is. This is kind of the same thing because of all the packages, but it's also a lot easier. And I'm. I mean, I've had it pretty bad. It could be worse. I could be laying concrete, you know? So, hey, let me ask you this.

[B]

What shoes are you wearing right now?

[C]

I'm wearing New Balance.

[B]

New Balance, the official shoe of usps. Not a sponsor.

[C]

Not a sponsor, but if you want to be. I'd be down. You know, you guys, I go through about one of these every year.

[B]

Oh, yeah?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're not a hiking boot guy, huh? You're just a tennis.

[C]

Yeah, I like it. Well, because the hiking boots are heavier. I don't want some QDS caps, you know?

[B]

Yeah. You probably got some good quads, though, right?

[C]

Oh, yeah. I got some good glutes on me.

[A]

You know, there's people out there that would kill for huge calves. And here you are just willingly turning it down.

[C]

Well, it just weighs me down, man. You know?

[B]

Hey, it's like a boxer doesn't want big biceps, you know?

[C]

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I mean, I could, but, like, why go through the extra effort? I'm already working my ass off every day, you know?

[D]

Know.

[B]

Yeah, you are, man. Hey, and we're. We're happy that you're out there. You're doing the Lord's work. Well, the government's work, but you're. You know, the Lord's involved.

[A]

In God we trust.

[B]

In God we trust.

[C]

God we trust. God we still trust, you know?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

All right, man. Oh, go ahead.

[C]

Oh, I was gonna go on about the Postal Inspection Service a little bit more. Funny story somebody was telling me.

[B]

Yeah, I'd like to hear that.

[C]

All Right, Yeah. This old guy, he was complaining about his mail getting stolen one time, and he's on my route somewhere, and, you know, eventually they sent the postal inspector out there. He was telling me about that time, and apparently this little lady who was like 5 foot 6 showed up to his house with a big, old. Big old hip gun on him.

[D]

On her.

[C]

And she was like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna locate your. Your mail for you, sir. I couldn't help but laugh at that. He was, like, describing. Just like. I mean, it's almost like she should have been wearing a cape, you know?

[B]

Yeah, they get to carry guns. The postal inspector.

[C]

Yeah, they actually have the biggest jurisdiction in the entire country.

[A]

That's sick, actually.

[B]

Really, dude, that needs to be.

[A]

Well, let's write a show about a postal inspector.

[B]

Yeah, we could call it Going Postal.

[A]

Yes, Inspector.

[B]

There you go. Yeah, dude, that's a great idea.

[A]

It's like csi, but for just mail.

[B]

Yeah, we'll call it Magnum PI

[A]

Isn't

[C]

that already a show?

[B]

Different context. Different context. We could have also done that with the collar before.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

No, those were standard size, Man.

[C]

Here we go.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Boy, oh, boy.

[A]

You know, are you guys funny?

[B]

Be great, dude.

[C]

I think it'd be hilarious.

[B]

We're in Fargo today? Is that what you're asking?

[C]

Fargo? Yeah, I was. You guys at your. Your own bar or.

[A]

No, we're here at the poor house

[B]

in Fargo, North Dakota, and they gave us some. Some Midwest surf and turf. We got steak and walleye deliver, which is really nice.

[C]

There you go. Yeah, dude, right on.

[B]

Yeah, they do a great job here,

[C]

but you got it. What kind of steak you get?

[B]

Well chopped up?

[A]

Steak buns? Steak bites?

[C]

Yeah, like in fries or something.

[A]

I'll do so. I'll do something. You're like my kid. I'll do a ribeye, but I want it chopped up.

[B]

Chopped up.

[C]

You don't want it on the. On the bone, huh?

[B]

No, just.

[A]

That would be funny. That'd be a funny bit if we started ordering food, but asking if it could get cut up like a kid before it comes out.

[B]

And how would you like that, sir? How would you like that? Dry rub. What is it? Dry aged steak.

[C]

How would you like that?

[B]

Dry aged shake. Chopped up?

[A]

Yeah, Like, I have soft teeth, so I don't like to chew it too much.

[B]

I just want to suck on it.

[C]

Actually, if you could just, like, eat it like a bird does and then just feed it to me that way.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Did you know that Miles.

[A]

Which brings me to my next boys.

[B]

I saved a bird yesterday, Miles saved two birds.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

Tell them the story, Miles. I'm really proud of you.

[A]

There's a robin's nest in one of our trees. And we were, you know, we watched them be eggs and they hatch, and then we watch them and we're like, oh, they're going to fly soon. Well, they flew directly. Two of them flew directly into my window. Well, so I got down in there, scooped them out with a shovel.

[B]

It's all the paint thinner Miles didn't properly dispose.

[C]

I'm trying to get high, man. Come on.

[A]

So now two birds go in our window. Well, and suddenly my wife's talking about getting covers for the window. Well, that's gonna run me quite a bit.

[B]

She wants to get covers for two robins getting there. Well, you don't want to be in your basement looking out the window and seeing two dead baby robins.

[A]

Yeah, we've had that before.

[B]

You have? Well, and then I agree. You get a cover for that window. Well, give him a slide.

[A]

It's more so. So that my kid doesn't fall in.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But it's an added bonus if. If we can save the robins, which I did.

[B]

You know, you got to put.

[A]

And it had been nice that the mama robin was a little bit more grateful. She was dive bombing my head while I'm down in the window. Well, trying to scare me off. Off the scent. And I was like, I'm trying to help you.

[B]

No such.

[A]

Got into an argument with a robin yesterday.

[B]

It was. That was a very Midwest robin. They got to do it on their own. They'll figure it out.

[A]

Don't help them.

[C]

How deep is your will?

[A]

It's probably three, four, five. Four feet deep.

[C]

And how. How tall are they up in the tree there?

[A]

Well, the tree is away from the window. Well, but they, like, got out of the tree, so they flew down to the ground, and then they started flying, and then they fell in.

[C]

Oh, okay. See, the way. The way you said it, I was figuring they just fell out of the nest one day and fell 3 or 4ft below the frost line there.

[A]

No, no, that would be bad if I put a tree that went over the window. Well, but, yeah, no, they. They were on the ground and they. Now, I will have to say we might have been part of the problem that they ended up in the window. Well, because we came around the corner of my house and they saw us and they flew away from us and went, oh, okay. No, it was an accident. But we also might have been part of the problem.

[B]

Really cute. Were they, like. Were they, like, big enough?

[A]

They're big. Yeah. Yeah, they're bigger than I thought they would be.

[B]

Did they jump onto your shovel, or did you have to kind of scoop them?

[A]

I had to. I had to chase them around a little bit.

[B]

Dude, I would have paid so much to just be in that basement watching you chasing robins in the window.

[C]

Yeah, just be a fly on the wall. That'd be hilarious with. While the mom is.

[B]

But you didn't touch them with your hands, right?

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Because if you put your scent on them, that mother robin's like, no, you're tainted.

[A]

I also thought that those things were. The babies were aggressive. I think I would have got pecked quite a bit if I would have tried to grab them with my hands.

[B]

I'd love to see you get pecked by a bunch of baby robins. That might be my wish. My. Make a wish.

[A]

So I did my good deed for the year.

[B]

That's good. I mean, and he only has bragged about it one other time since. Right now. Now. So really, we'll be hearing about it

[C]

again that he freaked about it.

[A]

Yeah. No good deed goes left untalked about.

[B]

No motto. You tell your dad?

[C]

Of course tell your dad.

[A]

No, he won't appreciate that good deed.

[B]

He'd be like, oh, yeah. Or he probably just wouldn't respond to you.

[A]

He'd just be like, I don't care about this.

[C]

Well, I. I can't remember. I think I called about a trailer.

[B]

You want buy, sell, or trade?

[C]

No. Well, I got it. My dad's trailer on my property. And, you know, he. He's been having it there for, like, six or seven years, off to Hawaii. So he's not using it, you know, and I'm kind of over it, but I want to kind of break it to him, like. Like, hey, you know, like, what am I. I mean, I'm not gonna sell it for him. You know, that's too much work.

[B]

What kind of trailer is it?

[C]

Oh, it's a Coleman tent trailer.

[B]

Oh, nice. I didn't know Coleman made tent trailers. Is it nice in there?

[C]

Oh, yeah, it's really nice. I mean, he gave it to me at one point, and then the Indian gave it, which, you know, that's.

[B]

I don't think. Oh, okay. Why don't you make a bar out of it or something?

[C]

What do you think? Like, take the wheels off?

[A]

I don't know. That's just the only thing we know how to do.

[B]

Yeah, we just make a bar out of things that shouldn't be bars. It's a true. Oh, it's a trailer. Like a pop up, right?

[C]

Yeah, it. You press a little button and it goes up, and then you press it and it goes back down.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Just sell it.

[C]

Yeah, it's a camp trailer. Well, a dice. I put it on for sale. Okay. 3K for it.

[B]

3,000 for a Coleman?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Any rust?

[C]

No, it's a 94. It's pretty nice looking. I mean, it's almost brand new. It doesn't smell like anything.

[B]

Not almost brand new. Dude.

[C]

It's all. I mean, if you go back, like the 1995, almost brand new.

[B]

Okay. All right. How's it smell on the inside if

[A]

we go back 32 years, Chuck, I'm like a baby.

[C]

I'm like 10, you know, 32 years. I'm not even born yet.

[B]

Not to brag. Four kids. How old are you?

[C]

29.

[B]

You really banged it out, didn't you?

[C]

Yeah, had a. Had a. Had my first one when I was 16.

[B]

Okay. There you go, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, no wonder he was saying, what's a prophylactic?

[A]

Before you even had the health class to tell you how to not have a kid.

[C]

Exactly. See, I'm blaming it on the state. It's all the state's fault.

[A]

Well, be careful, though, because they're kind of your boss.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true.

[B]

Same gal.

[C]

Yeah, same gal. Ended up marrying her. Yeah.

[A]

You know, you sound excited.

[C]

I might as well. She's the one who's mad at me about the nipple lady.

[B]

Well, we can see why, you know, I mean, Tempted by the fruit of another.

[C]

Have you guys ever seen Monty Python?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Remember the. Every sperm is sacred?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, I just kind of tell that to people every now and then.

[B]

I'm starting to think that maybe he's getting around a little more as a mailman than maybe he's leading on to, I don't know, something about him.

[C]

My pineapples are straight up and down. Okay.

[B]

All right. So he knows. Yeah. Well, good, good. You guys happy with your four kids? Yeah.

[C]

I mean, I live about an hour away from work right now, so I'm trying to move a little closer, but it's hard to sell, you know? But, yeah, I mean, I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with these kiddos. You know, my dad never spent that much time with me.

[A]

Yeah, don't blink.

[C]

Yeah, just like that. Six years old.

[B]

Well, your dad. At least he left you a trailer, though.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. I love my dad. Yeah. He just moved to Hawaii right after I graduated, so I kind of missed the ticket, you know? He could have went two years prior to that. Would have been in Hawaii.

[B]

Damn. He's probably like, you're like, dad, can I come with? He's like, no. You got a kid? What are you.

[A]

If my dad would have moved two years earlier, then I wouldn't have had a kid at 16, and I'd be way happier.

[C]

Everything is my dad's fault.

[B]

What'd your dad say when you found out you got pregnant and your wife got pregnant at 16?

[C]

Oh, man. You want to rehash that right now? Oh, geez.

[B]

Yeah. What'd he say?

[C]

It was kind of the. I think he was okay with it, but my mom was, like, trying to hide it from, like, my grandparents and stuff.

[B]

Nice. You guys must be Catholic.

[C]

No, we're. We're Baptist.

[A]

Your mom's like. Your mom's like. So do you think we could just, like, get a babysitter on Christmas?

[C]

How's Thanksgiving gonna shake out?

[A]

Do you know any babysitters that don't have anything going on on Christmas?

[B]

This.

[A]

Maybe. Any Jewish babysitters we could hire?

[B]

Maybe she could dress up like Santa.

[C]

Oh, that's good.

[A]

The baby does kind of look like your brother. Maybe we could say it's his.

[B]

I love that. That your parents. You probably spent less time hiding it from your parents than they did hiding it from theirs.

[C]

What?

[B]

Never mind.

[A]

Oh, well, man, we appreciate it. We appreciate you calling in today. This was. This was fun.

[C]

Right on. Yeah. I appreciate you guys calling in, too. I. You know, the lead up, I was. I was super, like, nervous. I was like, man, what are we gonna talk about?

[B]

We found it.

[C]

Ended up just talking.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's all we're doing here. We're just, you know, we went on a day of work with you, and,

[A]

you know, we've also heard a lot less booping going on in the background, so you better get back to it, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I'm on lunch now.

[C]

I'm allowed 30 minutes a day. All right.

[A]

All right. Well, thanks for spending a break.

[C]

Yes, sir. Well, thanks for calling. And, you know, watch out for deer, I guess.

[B]

Yeah, you, too.

[A]

Change your air filters.

[C]

Change your air filters. Yeah. All right. Hey, take care, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

All right. You too. We'll see ya.

[A]

Well, Chucky Miles, another good episode of the Bellyed up podcast.

[B]

Yes, it was. I kind of want to go drive a mail truck.

[A]

You actually would be a phenomenal mailman.

[B]

I think I would be a great mailman. Maybe that's a video. Midwest mailman.

[A]

I'm not saying that could be just your gig.

[B]

You know, I might do it. Maybe I apply retirement.

[A]

Don't quit your day job, Chuck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Quit your current day job and become a mailman.

[B]

Thanks, Miles. Hell, yeah, I'll do. I might do that. You know what we should do is just. The thing is we should both do another job for a year.

[C]

For a year.

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

And, like, do it, like, record it as content or just do it. Okay.

[B]

I don't need.

[C]

No.

[A]

What. What job are you looking at? Mailman.

[B]

I mean, honestly, I was either gonna do that or, you know, or. Or we go back to our first job, you know?

[A]

Want to do that?

[B]

Well, let's pick a job. You could be. You could be a greens guy at a golf course.

[A]

That would be fun. Actually, I could be.

[C]

To do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I could probably. I mean, tomorrow I could probably go get at least a little bit like a one day a week mowing job.

[B]

That'd be sweet. Of course that'd be sweet. I mean, I feel like I'm not usually an enjoyer of mowing the lawn, but if you get some of those golf course lawnmowers.

[A]

Big. The big boys.

[B]

Yeah, that could be kind of fun.

[D]

Could be.

[A]

All right. Thanks guys for tuning in to another episode. Remember to tip your bartender. See you next one.

[B]

Bye. Bye.

[A]

Okay, hope you guys have a good one. Goodbye now.