The Perfect Scam #193

Summary

Bellied Up Podcast: “The Perfect Scam” (#193)

Hosts: Charlie Berens & Myles, the You Betcha Guy
Date: March 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

This playful, laugh-out-loud installment of Bellied Up finds Charlie and Myles ruminating on birthdays and aging before taking live calls from listeners with distinctly Midwestern neighbor problems and backyard Ponzi scheme ambitions. Episode #193 balances absurd banter, semi-sincere advice, and plenty of blue collar charm as the hosts help callers navigate everything from grumpy neighbors with surveillance obsessions to at-home gambling rackets gone awry.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Birthday Banter and 33-Year-Old Revelations (00:00–15:00)

• Charlie and Myles open with quick-fire banter on remembering (and forgetting) each other's birthdays, marking Myles’ recent 33rd.
• They riff on the immutable nature of their friendship and routine:
  “The world changes, but we stay the exact same.” – Charlie (00:48)
• Birthday traditions and early morning calls—complete with lovingly sarcastic compliments.
• Myles’s faux-macho morning routine (with a wink):
  “I do a pump, I get on the elliptical, I then go for a big run. … Then I make my whole family bacon and eggs…” – Myles (03:03)
• Reflections on turning 33:
  “How old was Jesus when he died? 33… So this could be my year.” – Myles (05:08)
• Charlie teases about wills and insurance; light-hearted aging laments (hemorrhoid cream, colonoscopy “photo shoots,” and ear hair maintenance).
• Myles’s resolutions for the year:
  “Laugh more, cry more, and think more.” (10:26)
  “Did you get that resolution from a Bed, Bath and Beyond billboard?” – Charlie (10:33)
• Extended riff on the difficulty of squeezing out tears, favorite shows for a good cry, and hypotheticals if they were the last two people on Earth.

Memorable Moment (11:39):
Myles describes bawling at a Last of Us episode and thinking of Charlie as his apocalypse partner.

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2. Riffing on Generational Differences & Small Town Life (15:00–16:15)

• Banter on growing up with maps vs. GPS:
  “When was the last time you drove somewhere using just a map, Miles?” – Charlie (15:12)
  “I've never done that in my life.” – Myles (15:24)
• Jokes about who’s to blame for not learning stick-shift (Myles: “I’m putting that on my dad, by the way.” – 15:54)
• Light roast of each other's “old man” habits and familial shortcomings.

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3. Caller Joe: Living with a Hypervigilant Neighbor (16:15–45:05)

[Segment starts around 16:15]

• Caller Joe describes his classic Midwest suburban neighbor, a hyper-observant woman with cameras, spotlights, and a penchant for yelling at dog-walkers and calling the cops… on everyone.
• The hosts dig into the situation:
  • “She’s got some good binoculars and it’s not for bird watching.” – Charlie (18:12)
  • Childhood memory: even as a teen, Joe was barked at for offering to help shovel (21:26)
  • The neighbor sets up more cameras every time Joe adds one – an escalating Cold War of Ring Devices.
  • “She just doesn’t want to miss out on all the fun.” – Myles (22:15)
• Discussion of how to handle it “the Midwest way” (casseroles, kindness):
  “All problems can be resolved with the right casserole.” – Charlie (19:24)
• “Bless her heart” becomes the recurring refrain, the trademark Midwest solution to difficult people.
• Call includes Joe’s mom Rita, who backs up his story and shares her genuine Midwest thoughts:
  “She’s goofy, and… she has issues.” – Rita (37:32)
• The hosts extract embarrassing family lore about Joe (“Mr. Boy Scout” getting a bonfire warning in the woods) and roast his own run-ins with local authorities.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If you show a little kindness… I think you kill this one with kindness. You do this the Midwest way.” – Charlie (20:27)
• “I think you might have to chop a few trees to get sun to the forest floor.” – Myles, hilariously extending the ‘sunning your butthole’ metaphor (31:36)

Advice Given: Embrace Midwest nice, offer treats/gestures, and maybe—just maybe—she’ll reciprocate or at least ease up. At the very least, it’ll make a great story (and podcast segment).

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4. Caller Dakota Cody: Pull Tab Ponzi Schemes in the Garage (48:52–60:40)

[Segment starts around 48:52]

• Dakota Cody from “Minnesota” seeks help after his ingenious—if ethically questionable—plan to run a “private” pull tab box at home backfires. He’s stuck: only two prize numbers remain, but half the box is unsold and no one will buy in.
• Charlie and Myles “consult” on proceeding with a full-blown Ponzi scheme:
  • “The thing about Ponzi schemes is, the moment that you try and get off of it, it’s when it all falls apart. So you have to just keep going, keep this charade going for… probably the rest of your life.” – Myles (50:44)
• They riff about recruiting more degenerates, filtering new boxes through forgetful gamblers, and the economics of “cash flow.”
• Myles turns philosophic:
  “Actually, you need to really discourage people to buy [the last cards]… knowing that they’ll never get their money for their winnings.” (54:29)
• Cody admits he gets his (possibly fake) pull tab boxes on Alibaba.
• “At any point, the pyramid can collapse. … Buy more boxes. Scared money don’t make money!” (Series of lines, 54:45–55:15)
• Strategic advice: Always reinvest, always expand, never stop—otherwise the scheme collapses.
• “While this Ponzi scheme is going on, you need other side businesses, because at any point, the pyramid can collapse.” – Charlie (54:19)
• Ends on encouragement for Dakota to call back “when I’m a millionaire.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Charlie on aging and routines: “The world changes, but we stay the exact same.” (00:48)
• On classic Midwestern problem-solving: “All problems can be resolved with the right casserole.” (19:24)
• Midwest nice code-switch: “Bless her heart.” (33:17, 35:29)
• Joe’s neighborhood tale, per Rita: “She’s goofy, and… she has issues.” (37:32)
• Cody’s Ponzi wisdom: “Scared money don’t make money. And the second you stop the carousel on a Ponzi scheme is when it all falls apart.” – Myles (60:10)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:00–05:00: Birthday banter, aging, and high-fives
• 05:00–12:00: Myles’s resolutions, emotional range, and ‘last man on earth’ hypotheticals
• 16:15–45:05: Caller Joe’s neighbor saga, including surprise guest appearance by his mom, Rita
• 45:38–48:52: Short topical riff on spring, neighborly dog drama (transitional segment)
• 48:52–60:40: Dakota Cody’s illegal pull tab escapade and a master class in small-town Ponzi schemes

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Tone and Vibe

Friendly, self-deprecating, and relentlessly Midwestern—Charlie and Myles juggle ribbing and sincerity, digging deep into the kind of zany, neighborly issues only the Midwest could produce. They’re quick to deploy folksy wisdom (“just take her a casserole”), roast each other and their callers in loving fashion, and turn every scenario—from neighbor feuds to homemade rackets—into a stand-up bit or sketch idea.

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Conclusion

Another classic Bellied Up, packed with heart and humor. Listeners are treated to creative, if dubious, advice on neighborly disputes and get a front-row seat for a “perfect scam” in action. The hosts leave listeners—and callers—both better prepared for conflict, and more entertained, for having belied up.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Bellied up podcast. I am your host, Charlie Barrons. I'm here with my buddy, Miles. We just had a very weak high five, Miles. How you feeling there, birthday boy?

[B]

Feeling good?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fresh off my birthday.

[A]

Fresh off your birthday?

[B]

Guess my birthday.

[A]

Your birthday is March 20th.

[B]

That is 19th, Jared, do you know? 22nd. It is.

[A]

That's my sister's birthday. We had the same conversation on a podcast.

[B]

Ask me when your birthday is.

[A]

April 27th.

[B]

I was.

[A]

You didn't know.

[B]

I didn't know because you didn't know. It helps because you have same birthday as one of my childhood buddies.

[A]

We had the same conversation. Yeah. Isn't it crazy that I.

[B]

It's just we're. We just. It's kind of sad how little we've changed here.

[A]

That's what we like about the Bellied up podcast. The world changes, but we stay the exact same. We try. Actually, we don't try to change. It'd be nice in theory.

[B]

It would be nice, theoretically.

[A]

All right, Miles, well, let's. Let's get serious here. Come on.

[B]

Okay, we'll get.

[A]

I was just. I was just yanking your. Your yarn right there for a second. I. I think we should change. I think you're. You're 33 now.

[B]

33.

[A]

The three. Three.

[B]

Big three. Three. God.

[A]

How does it feel being 33? Do you remember. Do you remember when I was 33 and you said you are old as. Do you remember?

[B]

I don't remember that.

[A]

I remember that. I. It was around the time we first started working together.

[B]

Yeah, but now I'm young, and you're still old as. Because you're like, in a month, you're

[A]

gonna be 38, 39. Don't do it. Don't wheeze when you say it, Miles, we're sold. I'm gonna be three. Because if you divide three by nine, I'm just three.

[B]

I'll tell you what, though. I think I knew you when you were 33. Yeah, I would have known.

[A]

You just said that. You said I was.

[B]

Yeah, I definitely am feeling better about where I'm at than where you were at at 33. So that's.

[A]

Oh, I mean, that's a. If you look at it that way. Yeah. I would say, Miles, that, you know, you've accomplished more in your years than I have in mind. Okay. How does that feel?

[B]

No, don't say that.

[A]

Yeah, I didn't believe it. I just said it to appease you.

[B]

Right. It was just my birthday.

[A]

It was just your Birthday. So I'm gonna be nice to you.

[B]

I had a great birthday and I appreciate that call that you. You called me on my birthday?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, because March 22nd, I've had that in my calendar forever.

[B]

Jared, you know, he didn't. Morning of my bir. Day, 4am he calls me and goes, miles still up from the night before. And I said, holy, Chuck, what are you doing, man?

[A]

I said, I'm just.

[B]

You're getting too old to be up that late. You know, just burning it down. He said, you said you had shots, you had brewskis, you had cocktails, you were just burning the midnight oil. Well, the 4:00am Oil.

[A]

Burning it, baby. Yeah.

[B]

And I was just getting up to start my morning routine. I usually start around 4, 4:15. You know, I get up, I do a pump, I get on the elliptical, I then go for a big run. Then I make my whole family bacon and eggs and toast in the morning. And then my family usually gets up about like five. So then they have the breakfast ready for them.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

And it was just nice way to start my day at 4am with a call from you. And you just tell me how much you love me. I was telling me you were just showering me. It felt like, you know, they have baby showers where you shower the. The. The mother in love. I just. I felt like a mom on a baby shower.

[A]

I called you up, Miles, just for

[B]

showering me with love.

[A]

I said, you know what, Miles? You got. You got a wife and a kid. And by the time, you know, I was your age, I had one divorce and 23 varieties of mold in my fridge. And so I'm proud of you is what I am.

[B]

And that's. That was word for what you said.

[A]

That was.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And that is. That's how I knew that you love me. Because that's the only way you know how to show love.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got some other ways, but I'm not going to show you those ways. But, Miles, I gotta do that over the phone. You could.

[B]

So that was a really nice call from you at 4:00am did you end up getting to bed that day or you just go all the way through?

[A]

I haven't gone to bed since, Miles, believe it or not.

[B]

You know, we were talking about you getting your stomach pump potentially. Did you end up getting that done?

[A]

It happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a little too aggressive, you know.

[B]

Yeah. And. And that's just the classic Baron's boy that is.

[A]

You know, I'm sitting, you see the work. He's doing to try to avoid talking about being 33.

[B]

What do you mean? I, I. That's how my day started. So that 5am now, family's fed, I got my workouts done for the day call from my best bud, and then I really contemplated being 33.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know what I realized?

[A]

What's that?

[B]

How old was Jesus when he died?

[A]

33. 33, Miles.

[B]

So this could be my year.

[A]

This could be it.

[B]

So then I called my lawyer. I had to make sure the will was up to date.

[A]

You got a will?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

Maybe I do now. After I called my lawyer, got a will done, and, you know, made sure that I bumped up my life insurance a little bit, because you never know. Might get nailed to a cross this year.

[A]

Your mother's not gonna that sacrilegious, Miles.

[B]

Oh, that's a joke.

[A]

Sacrilegious. Well, so 33 years old, though. What was the best part of 32 for you, Miles? What was the highlight and the low light? Let's get it.

[B]

The. My high and low for the year of 32.

[A]

This is good podcasting right here. This is.

[B]

It would have been nice for you to prep me with this.

[A]

Prep you with it?

[B]

I think the amount of time I got to spend with my. My family was probably the highlight of 32.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

By the low point. By a low point. Around, like, you know, June last year, I had to deal with some hemorrhoid issues, so.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. I'm 32 now.

[A]

You get the cream?

[B]

Got the cream.

[A]

Get the nice bicycle seat now. The hemorrhoid seat on the bicycle.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

A hole in the middle. I used to put them on. Former bike mechanic. Don't know if I've said that on this podcast before. Well, I'm glad you got your hemorrhoids worked out.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. It's about that time, Miles. You're. You should probably schedule a colonoscopy now that you're.

[B]

My photo shoot.

[A]

Your photo shoot? Exactly. Are you gonna shave before or wax?

[B]

I don't think you have to. Do you.

[A]

You like. You like to keep it looking nice

[B]

for the docs, you know, I like. I want my movie to open up in the jungle, you know, like, opening scene. It's like setting the stage. You're, like, going to the jungle and the doctors.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you enter the jungle and the snake hole. Yeah. And then you find all sorts. Well, hopefully you don't find anything in there.

[A]

Yeah, hopefully there's no polyp trees growing Yeah. A little reminder for all you're getting

[B]

to be almost 40. Have you had your photo shoot?

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna get that scheduled. I'm gonna get that there. I'm gonna get that.

[B]

You might want to play for. For 40. I've been zagging done this year.

[A]

I've been practicing for it, though, and that's the important part.

[B]

Have you.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

By yourself or with.

[A]

By myself. By myself. I don't want to be. I want to act like it is no big deal.

[B]

What kind of camera are we working with on this?

[A]

A GoPro.

[B]

Go GoPro. Wow.

[A]

Not the Mini either.

[B]

Okay, so the diesel GoPro.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And how does that work? Going in good?

[A]

Oh, pretty good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I'd love to get a peep of that footage, see what you're working with.

[A]

I'll show it to you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, Jake, that footage we took the other night, can you send that to my. What are we doing here, Miles? What are we. We were talking about birthdays.

[B]

Hey, we're just.

[A]

We're just.

[B]

We're just riffing, you know, we're just riffing. A couple of guys riffing in, you

[A]

know, think about the families. They're like, oh, these guys, let's listen to them on a road trip here. And then all of a sudden, well, we were just talking about GoPros. It's fine. Just a little GoPro. Okay. Hey, if you can accomplish one thing in your 33 years, 33rd year, what would it be? Do you hate questions like this or do you love them?

[B]

Well, you know, I. I want to give a good answer, but I don't know if that's going to happen today.

[A]

It's a bellied up podcast, Miles. We're not worried about good answers. We don't worry about with our callers. We shouldn't worry about with ourselves. What's on me, Jared?

[B]

What was one of my New Year's resolutions this year?

[A]

Was Jared your resolution?

[B]

Keeper of my. He's the keeper of the resolutions at this company. It's not good that I don't remember, because last year it was one of my things I wanted to accomplish was starting the process of thinking about having another kid. And so I did start the process of thinking about it. So I think this year is thinking about having another kid is what I'd like to get done.

[A]

Okay. All right, well, what about the ear hair?

[B]

Okay, you gotta bring that up here. I mean, so I got a little ear hair and nose hair and back hair and neck Hair.

[A]

We should cut to that video right now of me pulling Miles ear hair out.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I don't know what it is. I mean, I probably. They probably have grown back. You see any in there?

[A]

Yeah, they're coming. They're not in a fun plucking way yet. It's like a Brazilian. You gotta wait for them to get, like, couple inches.

[B]

Yeah, but I got full blown right here on the. On the lobe. Not on the lobe. The. What is this thing Little flap called?

[A]

I'm not sure. I'm not a doctor. We'll leave it for right now. Jared, can we get some earwax ordered on the next episode? Episode will wax those ears, wax those puppies up.

[B]

Miles wants to laugh more, cry more, and think more.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I got that thinking about having a kid.

[A]

Did you get that resolution from a Bed, Bath and Beyond billboard?

[B]

No, I just thought of it on my own.

[A]

Good for you. That's wonderful. Cool. So laugh more, cry more, think more. I like it.

[B]

Hey, crying's gonna be my puckaboo.

[A]

Yeah. How often you cry, Miles?

[B]

Few and far between. There's even times when, you know, sometimes you're. You're having a tough day. You listen to the Scientists by Coldplay on a drive home by yourself, and you. You're like, this is my time to shine. I can cry. And in recent years, I've had those days, and, you know, I'm primed and ready to go. The situation is set, ready to go, and I just can't get them squeezed out.

[D]

Really?

[A]

You got stage fright? Years got stage fright.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, hopefully

[B]

what I do plan to do if I'm going to cry this year, I just got to rewatch the. There's one episode in the show, Last of Us. It's an entire episode about a love story between two guys during an apocalypse.

[A]

Really?

[B]

When it got done, spoiler alert, One of the guys dies, and I just bawled my eyes out.

[A]

Do you think about me?

[B]

Yeah, I was kind of thinking about it.

[A]

That was you and me.

[B]

And I think that's probably what I was feeling in that moment.

[A]

If you and I were the last two people on Earth, what do you think we do?

[B]

I don't. I think we would just be fine jerking off and not having sex with each other. I can tell you that much. I don't know. I can't speak for you, but I don't think I need to be inside anything that bad.

[C]

Where.

[B]

Because I know what you were going.

[A]

I know where women's going.

[B]

You were like, would we be Lovers. Because there's no advantage. Cuz we can't have.

[E]

We.

[B]

It's not like we can save the

[A]

Earth by going with this dude. I was just thinking maybe we go on some hikes together, you know?

[B]

No. Yeah, 100%. But in the. In the sexual category, I think I'll just. I'll just do the JJo method, you know?

[A]

Miles, your mother listens to this podcast.

[B]

I know, but you were insinuating.

[A]

Mary Jane, I was not insinuating.

[B]

What do you think we. What do you think we would do?

[A]

I thought we would do the last ones. I think we'd walk to a bar and stay there until the booze was gone and then walk to the next part.

[B]

That's the thing is, you know, we talk about the world changes, but we don't. So we would just do that. We'd do a podcast.

[A]

We would. We'd take callers. There'd be no Jared's just on the other line.

[B]

You just hear radio static. Yeah, because we'd have to take them in from radio.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Doing a ham radio at that point.

[A]

Yeah. We could maybe see if there's some aliens out there. We try communicating with other planets. For sure. I mean, how would we know if

[B]

we were actually though, like that sort of like opportunity? Like, what the world needs in that moment is the Bellied up podcast. Because if somehow aliens come to Earth, we need to tell the story of what happened and we need to let the aliens know what the Earth was like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then the aliens, like, state their case, why their galaxy should be in the Midwest. Yeah. What we could do is we could leave questions for them, you know, we could.

[A]

Yeah, like, we could. We could send. We could make. We could make symbols in the corn here ourselves, you know? Yeah, we could get real good at that.

[B]

And I mean, if we're the last two people, we can do anything we want.

[A]

We can do it. Well, not anything.

[B]

Well, we could.

[A]

We can't have it.

[B]

Not to.

[A]

We can't have an orgy, can we?

[B]

No, no, no, you are right.

[A]

Yeah. This. Why. Why are we. Why are we making it blue, Miles? Why don't we. We could go surfing together.

[B]

Yeah, we could. Yeah, we could do anything.

[A]

Anything.

[B]

But I do think it would be important to keep a good routine, you know?

[A]

Yeah, no, we get up. We.

[B]

We.

[A]

We go to Milwaukee or Fargo.

[B]

Like, I think you should still do your tour and I'll just come with. I'll be in the stands, you know.

[A]

Yeah, we got it.

[B]

Actually, that might require it Might make you a better comedian.

[A]

I think it would.

[B]

Find the only one in the crowd because I know all your bits. You do. So you're going to have to really stretch to get me to laugh. You know, like if you just got up there and you just did the. Where you pull out your phone, be like, yeah, so what's going on in this town? And then you name all the stuff around it. I'll be busting a guy.

[A]

Yeah, that's it. That's it. But there won't be any Internet, so I'd actually have to go through the town.

[B]

You just pull out a map.

[A]

That's true. I forgot about maps. Isn't that crazy? You forget about maps. Maps are great. When was the last time you drove somewhere using just a map, Miles?

[B]

I've never done that in my life.

[A]

Really? What about map? My parents did MapQuest direction.

[B]

By the time that I could drive somewhere and like I would need to go. We had GPS.

[A]

Oh, look at them. I'm bragging about being only 33 years old. Friggin loser. Can you drive a stick shift?

[B]

No, I.

[A]

We should do a video where I show you how to drive stick.

[B]

That would be nice.

[A]

That'd be cool.

[B]

It's where my father failed me.

[C]

Did you?

[B]

I am putting that on my dad, by the way.

[A]

All your shortcomings, just blame on your dad. Yeah, that's actually a good idea. My dad wouldn't be happy if I did that.

[B]

What? Blamed it on.

[A]

Blamed it on. He'd probably be like, you weren't listening. Which honestly probably would have been true, so. But anyway, happy birthday.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

And should we take a caller?

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

Let's do it.

[B]

Hi, Joe, this is Miles and Charlie from the Bellied up podcast.

[C]

What's going on, gentlemen? How we doing?

[B]

We're doing good, dude. We. We heard you got some neighbor issues.

[C]

Oh, do I? Oh, do I? Grand scheme of things is probably not the worst thing in the world. It's more so just a annoyance more than anything.

[B]

Well, we'll be the judge of that. Why don't you lay it out for us what's going on?

[C]

All right, so neighbor down the street, I don't know if she doesn't work or what, but she's got eyes on everybody all the time. Permitting for street parking is open, first come, first serve. She acts like she owns the street in front of her house. Does she.

[B]

Is she live in a blue house?

[C]

Does she live in a blue house? No.

[B]

Is it?

[C]

No.

[B]

Is the next door neighbor's House, Kind of a.

[C]

No. Down the block is. Which is my house.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You have a nice garage.

[C]

I have a lovely garage.

[A]

Is it a two story garage?

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It does got an attic up. Up top, but okay. Yeah. Why, is someone talking about me already?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Did you grow in that house and you go over to the. The garage to do a little work?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Really? Are you in Minnesota?

[C]

No. What a coincidence that would have been, though.

[B]

How many bodies you got in the house?

[C]

How many bodies?

[B]

Yeah, like dead ones.

[C]

Oh, we counting human, deer, pheasant, fish. What are we talking about?

[A]

All the above.

[C]

No humans. Okay.

[A]

All right, all right. So you gotta.

[B]

So you're not the guy we're thinking of.

[C]

I would hope not. No.

[A]

She got a neighbor with a nice set of knocks. Huh.

[C]

She's got some good binoculars and it's not for bird watching. No.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Okay. It's for people watching, so.

[C]

Yeah, it's for people watching. I'm convinced.

[A]

You.

[C]

You know, the FBI Most Wanted, they've got the red, the red thread in between photos and, you know, all that stuff. I'm convinced she's got that of everyone on the block in her house.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And yelled at my wife for walking our dog on that side of the road, which is not illegal or anything. She'll sit in her car and just watch and record as we go walking by with the dog. I don't know if she just got it out for us. Oh, no, she doesn't. Because she called the cops on her 80 year old neighbor for mowing the grass on her side of the property like three inches or something. And poor guy was getting talked to by the police, you know, shouted our dog walker for parking in front of her house. She didn't know any better. Parked in front of her house. She came out and says that we terrorize her and go back to our side of the street and you know, I don't know what's her name? Her name or my name?

[A]

Her name.

[C]

I don't want to. I don't even know.

[A]

You don't know?

[B]

Well, okay, maybe problem number one.

[A]

Yeah, here's. Here's what I know right now. I can tell you that all problems can be resolved with the right casserole. And I think if you guys go over there with a casserole or some gesture of kindness, you'll soften her up.

[B]

She's just a.

[A]

She's just a hard old cookie, you know, stale. Been left in that car she sits in.

[B]

Yeah, she's like, like an M and M. That's been in the sun, you know?

[C]

Yeah, she's something. She's something, I'll tell you that.

[B]

Harder outside, and you break it open.

[A]

Oh, I see. Nice analogy, Miles. I was unsure where you were going with initially.

[B]

The point of M M's is that they. When they. If they get warm and melt, they don't actually smush because they have the hard exterior.

[A]

Oh, I remember the commercials.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Melting your mouth, not in your hand.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Right. And that was used later in a rap song to conjure erotic thoughts. What's that? Rap song, Jared. Anyways, so what. You get what we're putting down here if you. If you show a little kindness.

[B]

Conjure erotic thoughts is quite the sentence.

[A]

Well, it was a euphemism. So if you go over there, though, with a little bit of kindness, you know, I wonder what she's gonna. I think you kill this one with kindness. You do this the Midwest way.

[C]

Let me dial it back a few years, okay?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I grew up in this house, and when it snowed, I would shovel. We grew up next to elderly neighbors. They were both fantastic. I do the three houses, mine in the middle and the two elderly on either side. And they were outside shoveling theirs. And I started walking over. This is. Mind you, I was 14, 13, 14. Started walking over to offer to help, and right off the bat started shouting, stay on your side. Stay on your side. Who do you think. Who do you think you are? Can't. And we're allowed to swear on this, right? Yeah, yeah, I've heard you swear before. Can I help you? You know.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

What town are you in?

[C]

I don't want to disclose that. She might. She might be listening in and come get me.

[B]

Okay. So we're at that level of paranoia. You think she's really monitoring you as.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

So.

[C]

So I set up when I. So, all right, after. When. After I grew up, I moved out with my girlfriend. Since got married, bought the house for my dad, moved back into the house. I set up ring cameras. Soon as my cameras went up, she had cameras set up right across the street from facing my house. She's got a motion light facing our house.

[A]

I.

[C]

You know what I think it is? I think she just doesn't like to see people having fun because it's.

[B]

Well, I think she does. That's why she's got all the cameras.

[C]

Maybe. Maybe I wouldn't, you know.

[B]

Anyway, she doesn't want to miss out on all the fun. So she's got cameras everywhere. Oh, no.

[C]

And she doesn't. She doesn't. So our neighbor, we, we got fantastic new neighbors. We all get along great. I mean, couldn't get along any better. We do a bonfire at their house or smoke something at their house. It's neat, not potential. And we're all hanging out. She just sitting in the driveway glaring the high beams in the driveway as we're all just standing there for hours and hours. And I don't think she sleeps because. All right, so during deer season, I'd wake up real early and I'd go out to go hunt. I take my dog for a quick walk before at 3 o' clock in the morning, and you see the blinds wave open and she's looking out the window all hours of the night. She's just, I mean, I got no idea.

[A]

Well, no wonder she's such a bad mood.

[C]

She's getting no sleep. I know. You know what she needs is she needs that zero gravity bed you got, Miles.

[B]

That is so true. That is true.

[A]

Maybe you buy her one.

[C]

I'm not that spendy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's expensive, Charlie.

[A]

Okay, well, what state are you in? What state are you in?

[C]

Illinois.

[A]

You know what, it sounded like you had a Chicago accent A little bit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you in the greater Chicago area or in more the flatlands?

[C]

Did I lose you?

[A]

No, no, I saw you in the greater Chicago area or more of the flatlands.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the Chicagoland area.

[A]

Okay. Okay. So, you know, we deal with this a lot in Wisconsin, this fib energy, you know. Yeah, we, we see it on the roads a lot and we feel for you. We know not all, all Chicago folks are fibs, but sometimes you, you get some and it sounds like you grew up with a couple fibs right next to you and it sounds like you got another one just down the roadways now, so.

[C]

Well, no, the people growing up next to us were fantastic. I mean, they were elderly. We, we lucked out. I lucked out twice with neighbors growing up and moving back in. I was kind of nervous because they, you know, they had since passed or moved out and both houses were for sale and I moved back into the house not knowing any of the neighbors. And oh, did I luck out. I lucked out. And yeah, I've got nothing but good, good things to say about my direct neighbors. And most of the area is all fantastic. Just the one problem lady down the street that just gets on everyone's nerves and setting the car alarm off when anybody walks past with their dog, it scares the shit out of the dog.

[B]

You know, I mean, it just sounds like she likes a good hijink, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So what do you actually think her problem is? You think she needs, like, psychiatry help? You think she's got some behavioral issues, or do you think she's just a cranky old lady?

[C]

Well, she's not old. She's only in her 40s. Maybe when he. When you put it that way, Miles, it makes me feel bad for being annoyed. If she's got on, she's diagnosed something or other.

[B]

Yeah, she's unstable, you know, you never know.

[C]

Oh, she's unstable, I'll tell you that much. But anyway, I don't know.

[B]

Have you ever watched. Have you ever watched the movie Housemaid?

[C]

Housemaid?

[B]

No.

[C]

No.

[B]

I mean, maybe someone's locking her in the attic and making it.

[C]

Anybody's doing the lock and it's probably her.

[B]

Well, that's okay. You gotta watch the housemaid. Because that's what I thought too. That's what I thought too. Dude, you gotta watch the Housemaid.

[A]

You think that she's got people locked up in there?

[B]

Well, you gotta watch the movie

[C]

Housemate. It's called I'll look it Up. I'll look it Up.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, you're gonna love the extracurricular activities in that movie. I watched it because my wife wanted to watch it. And then I found out that I really enjoyed certain scenes movies.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[B]

Come on, Chuck.

[A]

Nothing like you squeezing my thigh, talking about boobies. Can we call her? Do you have her number?

[C]

No, I don't have her number. I don't know her name.

[A]

Well, you guys start by figuring out

[B]

directory or something, right?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

People still do that?

[C]

No idea.

[A]

Okay, you got a few options here.

[B]

What is. What's been the most. What's been the worst interaction you've had with her? What happened?

[C]

That wasn't me. It was my wife. I. I don't really care. When I. Whenever I see her poking out the window, I smile and wave and she looks at me angrily or flips me off, something like that. I don't really care. But my wife, it really pisses me off when she messes with my wife. And we've got a big dog, he pull. You know, he's pretty reactive with other dogs. He's friendly, but he wants to go play. And anyway, she's walking down our side of the street. There's a bunch of dogs up ahead, so she crosses back and she's walking back towards this person's house. And she said, the crazy lady sitting in her driveway in her car. And right before my wife crosses her house, she speeds up and blocks the sidewalk. And you just start shouting at her, saying that nobody likes her. Which, how does she know? Who knows nobody likes her. You're terrorizing me. Stay on your side of the street. Who do you think you are? Can I fucking help you? The whole nine, she's shouting and screaming. My wife's calling me later and saying. And you know, she had, she had the flu. She was sick, it was snowing out. She was, you know, just not in the mood for that sort of thing. And then that happens. It kind of, you know, that's what bothers me the most, I think, because I can't walk over there and pop her one, you know,

[A]

It's the most south side Chicago thing to say right there.

[B]

Why don't you start amping up the crazy. Why don't you fight fire with fire, you know, go buy her house and you start barking at her house.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, you see her driving, run out in the middle of the road, try to get hit, get an insurance claim, you know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah. The funniest thing to watch though, is she. She, I don't know. She. I don't think she works. She's home all the damn time. But she'll get in her car and she'll drive down the street and then just make it like a 15 point turn in someone's driveway and then just go back and park at the car and go back in the house.

[A]

What a.

[B]

What a dude. I respect this girl's game.

[A]

What a move. That's like. That's a dog pissing all over your backyard right there.

[C]

Oh, this weekend, this past weekend, she was losing her marbles. My wife had friends over. My neighbors had friends over. Someone down the block had friends over. She, she was going nuts. Just open it. Opening up the door, looking out the window is just off a rocker. And somebody had parked in front of her house for 45 minutes. She had her, her car alarm going off in the driveway to the point where it died. She had to get triple A to come out and jump her the next morning.

[A]

You know, that was your opportunity right there to go over and say, hey, I see your car died.

[B]

I used to try to broke into your car. Let me help you out.

[A]

Yeah, let me give you a jump here.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. And then, then they'll be coming for me saying I'm harassing her, you know.

[B]

Yeah, why don't you hire some High school kids a TP your house.

[C]

Not a bad idea. You know what? You know what they've got, too? Is that that website you can mail to someone's door?

[B]

Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude, start mailing her dildos. Boxes of rocks.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Glitter bomber. Dude, do a glitter bomb.

[C]

Glitter. Oh, my God. Somebody get killed? Somebody get killed? My neighbor sent me a thing. I guess there's something going around on Facebook that he sent me a reel. It was something about sunning your butthole in the morning. Oh, yeah, about sunning our buttholes. Because the sun comes up on her side of the street. Just pop out there and let Old Glory fly for a couple of minutes. Sun, Sun.

[B]

You'll. Yeah, you and the guys in the neighborhood do a butt pyramid.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Get a. Get a little butt pyramid going. Sun's up, buns up.

[C]

Sums up, bums up.

[B]

So when you are sunning your bottle, you, like, is the correct technique, like spreading the cheeks as well, or just,

[C]

you know, from someone with no experience? I don't know, but I can, I can definitely get you a bellied update on that one.

[B]

Yeah, it'd be great. Maybe even just a pamphlet you could send our way would be nice.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I've looked into it. I, I don't think you need to spread the cheeks. I think the amount of sun you get in that area, because you don't normally, it's like, like it's just vitamin

[B]

D. Have you ever, though, been in a really thick forest? There's not a lot of sun that gets to the forest floor.

[A]

A lot of atmosphere around here.

[B]

Yeah. I think you might have to chop a few trees in order to get sun to the forest floor.

[A]

Miles is talking about his butthole right now. If you don't.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

How about you? You got it.

[B]

Like, what kind of forest are we working with?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Dense.

[B]

You need a machete to get through there, you know?

[C]

Yeah. Break out the old Huxvarna.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Yeah, there's not really a good situation here. I mean, if you can't kill her with kindness. Does she have a nice house? Nice car?

[C]

Pretty decent.

[B]

She have a husband, you think, or swat?

[C]

No, I, I, I don't know. Who lives with her? There's someone who lives with her. Maybe her mother, cousin. I don't know. No idea. No idea. I don't. I haven't spoken to them since I got shouted at as a kid for trying to shovel the snow over there.

[A]

So that's what I was trying to say. So it's the same house that you got yelled at, and now this is the next generation.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

So her mom was like this.

[C]

No, it was the same. She was younger then when she shouted. You know, when she was shouting at me.

[B]

Okay, so she was like 12.

[C]

No, she's. He was probably in her 20s then.

[B]

I mean, if she's living at home this whole time, she's probably just got some behavioral thing going on.

[A]

Yeah, you're dealing. She's got some mental. There's nothing you can do about it, you know?

[C]

Yeah, hopefully. Hopefully she just gets the help she needs. Yeah, let's do that.

[B]

There we go. Bless her heart.

[C]

Bless her heart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, if you get bored, just take over a casserole and give us a bellied update on it. I kind of want to know how that goes.

[C]

Maybe she just needs a little venison jerky. Some. Some jalapeno cheddar. Venison sticks.

[A]

There you go. Yeah, maybe that does the trick. You never know. You never know what I never know? A little kindness. I'll go. I mean, I know you tried.

[C]

That was another one that happened too. Buddy of mine got a deer and called me, said, hey, can I come over and hang it up as a. Yeah, sure. And we're butchering and cutting it up, getting it packaged up, all that. And she saw us truck across the driveway and into the garage and hang it up in the garage before I closed it. I've got a wood burner in there. Well, then the fire department shows up. That wood burner has been in there since I was 5 years old. Every winter we're doing fires. No problems, no nothing. And the one time, you know, one time she sees the deer hanging up in there, she. She calls the. Calls the fire department, and they showed up and they're, hey, you doing a fire in here? Yeah, you know. All right, you know. Oh, you got it. They were. They were totally cool about it, you know, seeing the theater. Awesome. Good for you guys. When are we coming back for dinner? You know?

[B]

Yeah. And just the guys.

[C]

Just the guys being dudes. Anyway, they. They left and, you know, whatever, but just unnecessary annoyance. That's all it is.

[B]

Do you have any kids?

[C]

No, not yet.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

Not yet.

[B]

Because I was gonna say, I feel like your kids probably got some wild nicknames for, you know, crazy lady on the corner.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know,

[C]

now she's.

[B]

Does she have a nickname in the neighborhood?

[C]

Yeah. See you next Tuesday.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

But no one knows her name, huh?

[C]

No, not that I know of. Not that I Know of.

[B]

That's crazy.

[C]

Yeah, she's. She's something, but bless her heart, boys. Bless her heart.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, hey, my mom is a huge fan of you guys. We listen to you when you. When we drive out to Iowa.

[B]

He.

[C]

He loves you guys.

[A]

What's your mom's name?

[C]

Rita.

[B]

Rita.

[A]

How you doing, Rita?

[B]

We appreciate you.

[C]

She's not here with me.

[A]

We're just doing a message

[B]

so you can send her the episode.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

There's no way I can loop her in, is there? Can I try calling her?

[A]

Yeah, give her a call.

[C]

Give me one second. One second. He would love to hear from you guys. Hey, mom, you there?

[E]

Yeah, I'm there.

[B]

Oh, Rita.

[A]

Rita. How you doing?

[E]

I'm good. Who am I speaking with?

[A]

My name's Charlie, and this is Miles, and we do the Bellied up podcast.

[E]

What? Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. How you been, Rita? What you up to?

[E]

I'm just working away. Oh, my God. Please, can you get. Can you take a selfie with my son and send it to me?

[A]

Yeah, I'm not with him.

[C]

I'm on the phone with him.

[E]

You're on the phone? Oh, man, I thought you were with them.

[B]

Yeah. So I think we have to, like, legally say you're live on the Bellied up podcast right now.

[A]

Yeah, but you're. You're on. Just so you know.

[E]

Hello? Oh. Oh, no. I must sound like an idiot.

[A]

No, not at all.

[B]

Sound great.

[A]

Rita, we got a question for you.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

In that household that you guys all grew up in, that gal down the street who was a little bit ornery, do you know her name?

[E]

Across the street? Joe? Is that who you're talking about?

[C]

Yeah, Nutty.

[E]

Yeah, I don't know her name.

[B]

That's crazy. You guys don't know her name?

[A]

Was she ever mean to you, Rita?

[E]

No, she wasn't. She really wasn't. She was just. She. You know, I've been gone for a while, but she. She was just. She's just different. I think she has issues.

[A]

That's what we figured.

[C]

So now you've all got me feeling bad. Yeah.

[B]

So you think your son's being a little dramatic about.

[E]

No, no, it's. There's nothing dramatic about anything he said. I can assure you, she is. She is goofy and. Yeah, she's. She will call the fire department. She will call the police, and he's really is just doing like. He's smoking meat in the backyard, for crying out loud. She's. Yeah, she's. Everything he says is true. I'm sure.

[A]

You know, when a Midwest mom says she's goofy, we all know what you mean. We all know it's an unresolved mental issue.

[B]

Also a great Midwest phrase. Well, he's just in the backyard smoking the meats, for crying out loud. For crepe's sake. He's just smoking some meat.

[A]

Let the boy. Let my boy smoke a little meat in the backyard.

[B]

What if he likes to have a couple two tree beers with his boys smoking the meats?

[A]

Yeah, we know he's got a fire in the garage, and it's not the smartest thing to do, but, you know,

[C]

hey, it's up to code.

[A]

Hey, if it's up to code, that's impressive.

[C]

I didn't think it was fireproof drywall and fire department and, you know, whatever.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, they all stop by.

[C]

I've got my fire extinguisher. What'd you say, Mom?

[E]

I know. I said the fire department has stopped by because of the many complaints that she's made. Yeah, they never said anything. Fire department share it out.

[A]

They were like, is that asbestos around there? Good? Okay.

[E]

No, they just wanted to know what time. What time it was the food would be ready. That's what they wanted to know.

[B]

Ms. Rita, I got a question for you.

[E]

Yes?

[B]

You know, Joe is pretty quick to call into this podcast and cast the first stone at his neighbor. So I imagine that Joe is just a shining, bright little angel of a guy. Do you have any story of Joe that you'd like to share about anything crazy he's done over the years?

[E]

Well, yeah, I have a couple, actually.

[A]

Oh, perfect.

[E]

Oh, boy. There was one time that he got. He was in the forest preserves and decided to build a bonfire in the. In the woods. And I got a call and he had to come and get him. He was about to get arrested. But, you know, someone should have known better. Mr. Boy Scout should have known better not to fire in the woods.

[B]

So the crazy neighbor isn't too crazy for calling the fire department on him starting a fire in the garage.

[E]

But I am going to fill. I'm going to end it with this story. So Joe's. Jojo. Tell him you're. You're a plumber. No, we figured he's a plumber, a licensed plumber, and he. They were doing some outside work, and, you know, the sidewalk was all busted up and some lady decides to come walking through with her. Was she a walker, Joe, or a wheelchair?

[C]

I don't remember. I don't even remember what you're talking.

[E]

Well, when the Guys were making fun of you because you went to help her and they said, oh, it was a wheelchair.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

So, you know, everyone in my family are all, you know, blue collar workers and laborers. And so they're like, are you kidding? He wasn't going to help her. He was probably annoyed. And that's exactly what Joe said. He. I'm so annoyed by this lady who decides to see the sidewalk all busted up and she decides to roll in from. Roll right on top of it with her. He goes, I had to go help her, but he looked like a nice little, little boy scout. So we're gonna go with that story.

[A]

Oh, that's good. That's good. She didn't have the four wheel drive on or that two wheel drive on that wheelchair, huh?

[C]

No, no. Hey, you know what you guys need to do? You need to convince my mom to try my venison. That's what you guys need to do.

[A]

Rita, are you afraid of the cwd? What's wrong?

[E]

Well, my ex husband tripped me a couple of times, which I don't like. So now I don't. I don't know. I tricked me by saying, oh, it's here. I made. I made spaghetti today. And then it was. It was, I guess, kind of. It was pretty good, actually, I'll admit.

[B]

And.

[E]

And it was brown venison, but I didn't know it. And then I just. I don't know, I don't like it. I don't think that's fair to do to someone. So now I just have this mental. Well, I have a mental block because I usually have seen it hanging in my garage.

[B]

An aversion to it.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah. Correct.

[B]

Is that. Was that the straw that broke the camel's back with the ex husband was tricking you into eating deer meat?

[E]

Yes, it was. So now every time I'm at Joe's house, I want to make sure, you know, confirm what I'm eating. But his wife loves it. You know, she. So they, you know, they enjoy it. I'm sure it's delicious and it's safe to eat, but when I see it hanging in the garage before, I like to buy it in a package in the store.

[A]

The way you said that, too. I like to buy it in a package in the store.

[B]

You definitely should never see how the sausage is made then. I think you're one of those people that can't handle that.

[E]

Yes, that is absolutely the truth. And we actually have butchers in our family as well, and they tell me the same thing. So well, they know me.

[A]

Yeah, don't go visit them or you'll become vegan.

[E]

I don't think that'll ever happen. I'm a meat and potatoes gal, that's for sure.

[A]

Yeah, well, give the venison another go. Have him give you the back strap sometime, and then, you know, nice old prime cut of meat.

[C]

Good luck convincing my wife to do that.

[A]

But okay, we don't want to start any mother in law wife issues, so forget that. But, Rita, it was really nice to meet you.

[E]

Thank you. It was nice to meet you both as well. I didn't know you were both there. I thought maybe he was. You guys were on a job site or something?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, Joel, why don't you bring me the board stretcher, eh?

[E]

All right. Well, nice to meet you guys. You made my day.

[A]

Oh, no, you made our day, Rita. Come on now.

[B]

It was getting a little boring talking to Joe, so you really saved this call.

[A]

Yeah, we were like, joe, you're just making fun of your neighbor who has clear mental issues.

[B]

Starting to feel bad for the lady,

[E]

but she does nothing. She does nothing to help herself.

[B]

So that's, you know, that's what I says to Joey.

[A]

Should take a casserole over there. What do you think about that, Rita?

[E]

That's actually not a bad idea. Oh, I don't know if she. Joe. I don't know if she'd answer the door, though.

[C]

No, probably not.

[A]

Just leave the casserole there. Say, just thinking of you.

[C]

And then bomb squad will show up.

[A]

Hey, but she'll have to call them, so it could be good entertainment, you know?

[E]

Could be.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait.

[E]

Give it a shot, Joe.

[A]

Wait for a nice day. Make yourself a cocktail on the porch. It'll be like watching tv, you know?

[C]

Yeah, it'll be a NETFLIX documentary.

[E]

Make sure you call me over, Joe.

[C]

Yeah, I'll let you know.

[E]

All right.

[A]

All right.

[E]

Well, gentlemen, it was all right. Thank you so much.

[A]

Yeah, you guys be good. And Rita, tell Joey says hi. And Joe, tell your mom we says hi, would you?

[C]

I sure will.

[B]

All right, guys.

[C]

All right, guys, it was great talking to you.

[A]

Real good. Bye. Bye.

[B]

Rita was like, who is this?

[A]

Yeah. But then she turned it on real fast.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, sorry, boys. She was like, you know, I think we. We know what's going on here with Joe, and. And I think, you know, his mom really set him straight at the end there. She's goofy. She's goofy. All right. Should we take another caller, Miles?

[B]

Let's do it. Well, guys, once the weather Starts warming up and everyone's dogs lose their mind after being cooped up all winter. And it's even double whammy if your dog's name is Coop. Coop was cooped all winter long. And suddenly you' in the mailbox or down the sidewalk when your dog, when a dog comes sprinting out of the yard, Coop, no like you just committed a crime. Or maybe there's a crazy neighbor down the road that gets mad when you

[A]

walk your dog, her car alarms blaring,

[B]

the owner's yelling, he's friendly.

[A]

Don't worry about it.

[B]

While the dog is absolutely not acting friendly. And now you're dealing with a bite injuries in a situation you never saw coming. If a dog bite turns into a serious injury, Nicolay law is who you want handling it. Charlie, next time you're on that walk and you get a terrier, just latched onto that cat hair in your terrier,

[A]

tearing your derriere, well, you call Nicolay. Nicolelaw.com 1855 Nicolay

[B]

Garly.

[A]

Yeah, Miles.

[B]

I got my Brunt pants on.

[A]

I was looking at you. Those Brunt pants. Turn around. Yeah, let me give it a little. Oh, it jiggles.

[B]

Do it again, do it again, man.

[A]

Ah, now you were flexing there.

[B]

I wasn't flexing.

[A]

This is exactly what Brunt wants. Just a couple of guys slap macking each other run asses. They're looking good.

[B]

Bad boys, they're nice and durable.

[A]

Yeah, I got this exact same pair and I like this pocket right here because, you know, it's, it's, it's not this pot. This pocket's very inconvenient sometimes. But for like a phone, for instance, you got that sitting right in there, there. And that way you don't have to feel it when it vibrates. That's what I like.

[B]

And what's also nice is, you know, I got. You felt it. I got, I got what they would say, some junk in the trunk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I did feel as a guy who's got some junk in the trunk, these pants fit very, very nicely despite that because pants don't always fit me great.

[A]

Yeah, well, they look good, they look

[B]

good, they feel good. And, and the more I wear them, the more comfortable that they even get.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And also I like these ones because here in the winter or kind of late spring, you know, you can tell they're a little bit thicker, keep you a little bit warmer. They're not, they're not like insulated pants.

[A]

No, but that makes that initial bite when you step outside a little less Toothy. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, I hate a toothy bite.

[A]

Yeah, because it's not just the cold, it's the wind. But when you got this, these nice little insulations, I see the dust wiping right off those pants as you hit them there, Miles. A little air of dust. You've been working in those. That's what I like to see. Either that or you haven't been dusting around here much. Either way, it's a nice pair of slacks.

[B]

Yeah. So, guys, you're looking for some new work pants, you got to go to bruntworkwear.com right now. You can get 10 bucks off your order if you use code bellied up at checkout. I highly recommend the pants. They feel great, they look great, and they're also gonna be able to work with you as you get your work done.

[A]

Love it. Brunt. Ladies and gentlemen. Check them out.

[D]

This is Dakota Cody.

[A]

Dakota Cody. How you doing? It's me, Charlie, and this is Miles.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Dakota, Cody, Cody.

[B]

It's Milwaukee Charlie and Dakota Miles.

[A]

Dakota Miles. There, you got it.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Are you guys doing.

[A]

Are you North Dakota or South Dakota Cody?

[D]

Well, I'm actually in Minnesota.

[A]

You're Minnesota?

[B]

Cody's from Minnesot.

[A]

I once knew a man named Dakota Cody from Minnesota. There's some Dakota Cody from Minnesota. It doesn't really work, but I tried. So, Dakota Cody from Minnesota. What's on your mind, my guy?

[D]

Oh, well, I got a bit of an issue. So me and my girlfriend had an idea to buy a box of pull tabs for our garage.

[A]

Okay, good idea.

[D]

Yeah, I know. I was gonna scam some of my friends out of some money. Problem is, is it's one of those ones where you get the numbers, you know, and then you write your. So once the box is gone, then you pay it out. Right, but there's only. Out of nine numbers, we only have two numbers left, and there's still about half a box. So now nobody wants to buy it.

[A]

We. Why'd you tell them there's only two numbers left?

[D]

Well, it's, like, on the. It's on the card.

[B]

No, I know, but you don't have to mark off the ones that have already been taken, you know?

[D]

I mean, well, that's where they sign their name at, is like, on that. On that card where it says what the prizes are.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

So you screwed yourself. You really screwed yourself.

[D]

Yeah, we might be a little screwed, but. So I got to figure out a good plan to convince them to buy more.

[A]

We'll buy another box.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And don't just double down, you think, buy another box. And don't be an idiot and tell them the name thing. You can make the rules.

[B]

You realize this is now turned into somewhat of a Ponzi scheme that you're running.

[D]

Yeah, a little bit. I'm also not entirely sure the legality of, of.

[B]

Yeah, let's not worry about that later. You're running a legal.

[A]

Like, let's just.

[B]

But here's the thing. A thing about Ponzi schemes is the moment that you try and get off of it, it's when it all falls apart. So you have to just keep going, keep this charade going for, I think probably like the rest of your life. Ever.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. Yeah, just. Just keep buying them.

[A]

Yeah. Each time I fail to buy more, it's simple. You buy another box and you don't do that. You said they have to write their name on it. I don't get.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's like. It's like a holding number. So they draw. You know, you get a number and then on the board, you know, like the, the where it says all the prizes, what you can win.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

On there it's got like lines and so you write your name down for whatever number you got.

[B]

It's. It's a cash flow thing, Charlie. So he doesn't have all the. It's easy. Yeah. 1. This is a total cash grab by you and you're getting your ass handed to you about it. 1.

[D]

Well, I mean, I was able to sell half the box, so.

[B]

Yeah, I know, but that's not even make your money back.

[D]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

So.

[B]

So he buys the box in a, in a restaurant, has a lot more cash on hand at any given time. So you can pay it out as they go.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah, I get that.

[B]

Where he doesn't want to have to pay out as they go. He's got to have cash on hand at all times then. So what he does is. It's an IOU, essentially, is what he's doing. And then once he sells all the tabs, he takes the cash from that, which would be a profit, and he pays everyone out after the box.

[A]

I understand. Now you need investors, you need your friends. We do have to do a full on Ponzi scheme. You gotta get your friends selling boxes of pull tabs. They gotta have pull tab parties like they used to have Tupperware parties. And you gotta get people under you stat. Okay, so who's your weakest neighbor?

[D]

I got one buddy that I Could probably convince he likes to gamble.

[A]

Good.

[C]

Perfect.

[B]

Degenerates are perfect for. For the Ponzi scheme.

[A]

Yes. Especially forgetful degenerates. If you can get someone who can't remember how much they spent at any given time, that's good. And the thing with gambling people, they have money. They don't have money. They have money. They don't. And sometimes they don't remember. So get as many degenerate gamblers you can in on this.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Have you contacted the Mafia? You.

[D]

I don't really have the contact for that. I'm not sure if they're very present in my area.

[A]

Well, when you get big, they'll find you.

[B]

Yeah. Here's the deal. Be so good they can't ignore you.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

So just keep expanding.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just keep getting. Just keep getting better at this Ponzi scheme, and then eventually no one will be able to ignore you.

[A]

And while this Ponzi scheme is going on, you need other side businesses, because at any point, the pyramid can collapse.

[B]

Ponzi schemes are just. Anytime more cash in, the better. Because what you're gonna. You're just moving money around at this point.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

You know?

[D]

Okay, so I may. I should start calling, like, my elderly neighbors and see if they want to invest in a business plan.

[A]

You can take advantage of the elderly. Sure.

[B]

Actually, dude, you are. I'm gonna totally reverse this. I mean, you. You're actually in a perfect spot. This could not have worked better for you.

[A]

Really.

[B]

Because he only pays out when the box is gone. But no one is willing to buy the rest of the pull tabs, so therefore no one ends up buying out the box. So therefore, no one gets paid. And so therefore the money's always in limbo, so that money's just yours. You get to move that money somewhere else, knowing that they'll never buy out the box, therefore, they'll never get their money for their winnings.

[D]

Wow, that's a good point.

[A]

I didn't think about it like that.

[B]

So actually, you need to really discourage people to buy that, because in there.

[D]

But then I don't get the cash flow from my garage. So maybe I take the money that I have off that one box and buy another box.

[B]

Now, you know, now you're starting to think like Mr. Ponzi here. All right, so now you. Your whole goal is to load the box with all the winners up front, so no one wants to buy out the entire box. So every single garage you got these pull tabs in, they never get fully sold out. So you never have to pay the money out.

[D]

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. And then after a while, you get so many of them, you can start kind of getting rid of some of them. Nobody's gonna notice. Yeah.

[A]

You start filtering. That's how you launder pull tabs.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you. What you need to start doing is a fine print on the bottom of the box that says if this box doesn't get bought in six months, then all rewards are null and void.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. You go to Walgreens, get one of those really fine tip pens. So you can write nice and small,

[D]

just real small there. And then that'll incentivize them to either buy it out or I just get more money.

[B]

Yeah, either way, you are in a great spot. You got cash in hand, and you

[A]

should invest some of that cash in a gun because someone's going to come after you at some point. Okay, you want protection?

[D]

Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

[A]

Maybe a taser, because you don't want to do lethal force. That can get messy, you know? Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Then it's a whole deal. And you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now if you're.

[D]

Although I feel like we're kind of already in the. In the legality mess.

[A]

But you're a white collar criminal, but we don't need to make you a felon, you know?

[D]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[B]

I mean, also something you can do. I found out that you can just like, like go on, like, Alibaba and just buy pull tabs.

[A]

Really?

[D]

Yeah, that's where we're getting them from.

[B]

Oh, dude, I thought you were, like, buying a legit box from, like, a local. Hell no.

[D]

We're paying, like, it's like a hundred bucks to buy, like, an entire thing, and then you make like $300 off of it.

[B]

Yeah, dude, you're. Well, first of all, you got to make the prizes higher. You gotta. You gotta be charging more for the thing, you know? Yeah, no, dude. Okay, so you found what I found?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

We bought them for, like, video props, but.

[D]

Oh, wow.

[A]

So.

[D]

Yeah, well. And getting them in Minnesota is difficult, too. Over in Wisconsin, you set up way better.

[B]

No, dude, I also found out the pull tab industry is. It's very difficult to get into, too, and that's all I have to say about that, so.

[A]

Why is that all you have to say about that, Mile?

[D]

Yeah. Well, can you elaborate a little bit?

[B]

I don't know who's listening. You know, the. The pull tab industry. You know, I. I don't want to say it, but if you cross the wrong person, the pull tab industry, you might get a metal bat to the really Patellar.

[D]

Really?

[A]

They'll start pulling your tabs.

[B]

Hearsay, though. You know, it's whatever.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And I was talking in hypotheticals this entire time.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

That's actually really funny that you're buying fake pull tabs on Alibaba and scamming your friends out of their money. That's crazy. That's even worse than a. Than a pyramid scheme in my mind.

[A]

What inspired you to do this, Dakota Cody? Just the thrill of the game. Are you actually trying to make a buck for something?

[D]

I'm trying to make some money. I want to buy a big poker table for the garage.

[A]

Well, I like that you're reinvesting in your business.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[A]

Do you have poker night with your friends?

[D]

Yeah, we do, but our po.

[C]

We.

[D]

Our house flooded and the poker table got ruined, so now we don't have one. So now we just got one of those cheap card tables.

[A]

Yeah, well, you can still make some money on the card tables.

[D]

Oh, yeah, I'm up a lot. My friends are idiots.

[B]

Yeah, they fell for your pull tab scheme.

[D]

Yeah, well, I mean, that's. That's kind of friends you need when you're going to run Ponzi schemes. I guess.

[A]

You. Yeah, I think you get your. Get your buddies for another poker night, say the liquor's free, and just do what they do at the casinos. Fill them up with cheap booze and then give them all silly making stupid decisions.

[D]

That's right. And if it's a poker night, then they'll obviously have cash on them. Might end up buying a couple pull tabs.

[A]

Yes, and I saw an interesting story in the news about this illegal gambling ring some of the NBA players were involved in. So get yourself some cameras under the table.

[B]

Is that Chauncey Billups in that?

[A]

Yeah, they had cameras under the table, so they knew exactly which cards. And then they were wearing glasses, and they were marking the cards with sort of marks you could only see if you were wearing certain kind of glasses.

[D]

Oh, so you really rigged the whole game?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, Charlie, you're giving him ideas.

[A]

Well, he's an entrepreneur, and I'm looking out for him.

[B]

He's like. Like prime cut meat for schemes like that. And now he's getting excited.

[A]

What he doesn't know is what I know.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

What if I, like, knew one of his buddies, you know, and his buddy said he was gonna Call and that the whole fix was in the whole time, you know? You think I'd be smart enough to pull that off, Miles?

[B]

Who you?

[A]

I don't know.

[E]

No.

[A]

Anyways, Dakota Cody, man, we. We wish you all the luck here with your. Your little nefarious businesses.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, I appreciate the advice. I think I'm just gonna. Just gonna keep trying to buy more of them.

[B]

Yeah, that's the thing I didn't think about that scared. Money don't make money. And the second that you stop the carousel on a Ponzi scheme is when it all falls apart. So now you're in it.

[D]

Yep. Now once the ball is rolling, you just gotta keep her going.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, that's a good point. All right, well, appreciate it.

[A]

We appreciate you. Good luck with it. And, yeah, win big for us. All right, I will.

[D]

I'll call back once I'm a millionaire.

[A]

Yeah, we do have a bellied update. That would be great.

[D]

All right, sounds good.

[A]

All right, Dakota Cody, you'll be good.

[B]

Well, Milwaukee Charlie, what do you think?

[A]

I don't know. Dakota Miles. I'm thinking that was another solid episode of the Belly Dope podcast. We help people with their neighbors. We help people run a white collar crime syndicate. Actually, that seems. What do you call not white? Blue collar crime? That'd be a funny sketch. Blue collar crimes.

[B]

I think that's just kind of regular crimes.

[A]

No, I know, but. But it, like, it'd be a funny bet.

[B]

Like, you like. Yeah, like you stole my white monster out of my truck.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. That's a great title for a video. Yeah, let's do that next time. Do blue collar crimes. That'd be great. That's a banger video idea right there, Miles.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

See, guys, we're just full of ideas here on the Belly Dub podcast, and sometimes we steal your inspiration to make sketches. So thanks for being part of it. This is our Ponzi scheme here, right?

[B]

Yeah. We can't stop doing the podcast, otherwise we'll run out of ideas.

[A]

That's pretty much it. Pretty much it. All right, well, hey, don't forget to tip your bartender and watch for deer out there.

[B]

We'll see you next one.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Hope you guys have a good one. Goodbye now. Toodaloo.