WE CALLED AN AUDIBLE FOR THE GIPPER.

The things you do for love: Because Rena and Sara care and do not want anyone to spend money to see this movie, they went to see it.

While Reagan is a soul-crushing journey through a propagandistic vision of the life and times of one simple mofo who was either blindly optimistic or the root of all modern evil, it’s also (mostly) objectively bad filmmaking: Everything looks hideous and coated in putty, scenes often contain only 3 to 4 lines of dialogue, and Reagan’s only human flaw is loving America a little too much.

Crack open that industrial-size container of jelly beans and treacle to enjoy this tale of triumph, recounted through a logic-defying framing device of a broken KGB agent (played by noted accent disaster artist Jon Voight) sharing his slideshow of “The Crusader” single-handedly destroying communism with his sunshine-y grin and passion for God. Hear about Dutch’s baptism by Kevin Sorbo (he is in the movie), how Reagan shrugged at the AIDS crisis and got off on union-busting, and how the only likable character in the movie ended up being a Russian asset (‘sup, Dana!). Witness the horror of evil monsters Dalton Trumbo and Jimmy Carter advocating for healthcare. And for God’s sake, do not see this movie.

Reagan stars Dennis Quaid as Ronald Reagan, Mena Suvari as Jane Wyman, Penelope Ann Miller as Nancy Reagan, Dan Lauria as Tip O’Neill, Jon Voight as a man named Viktor, Robert Davi as Leonid Breshnev, Kevin Dillon as Jack Warner, and Scott Stapp as Frank Sinatra.

Spoiler Warning: We spoil everything. And we enjoy it.

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