FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript

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How Blended Families Function

Guests: Steve and Misty Arterburn and Ron Deal

From the series: Blended Family Tips

Bob: When Steve and Misty Arterburn married, they brought children into the newly-formed blended family, but Steve says they wanted to make sure that the children knew what their relationship with their new mom and dad was all about.

Steve: We did not want to be step-parents—step-parents get stepped on. We wanted to be a bonus into their lives, so we claim ourselves as bonus parents and kind of come at it as a benevolent aunt or uncle would, in the very beginning, and earn their respect and ask permission, really, to be in their lives.

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, April 5th. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine. We’ll hear from Steve and Misty Arterburn today about some of the things they learned as they blended a family together—some of the challenges they faced along the way. Stay with us.

1:00

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. We’re going to tackle a subject today that can be a little difficult to navigate. Our listeners know that we urge couples to keep their covenant / to stay married. Sometimes couples, for reasons that are beyond themselves, their marriages don’t survive. That puts them in a position to go, “Okay; what do I do now?” We have some friends who are going to help have that conversation with us today.

Dennis: We do. Steve and Misty Arterburn join us on FamilyLife Today. Misty/Steve, welcome back.

Misty: Thank you so much.

Steve: Thank you. It’s great to be here.

Dennis: You guys both experienced divorce separately; and then began to date and, ultimately, got married. The thing that really resonates with Bob and me is that you brought your church into your relationship—

2:00

Steve: Right.

Dennis: —to bring a sense of biblical judgment, and sound advice, and counsel as you established this relationship.

Bob: Well, and as you guys start to talk about this, we should acknowledge, as well, that our friend, Ron Deal, is joining us today.

Dennis: I wasn’t ignoring him. [Laughter]

Bob: I know you weren’t, but I wanted our listeners to know he’s in the studio with us. Ron gives leadership to the blended family initiative, here, at FamilyLife. We thought this is a conversation you need to be in on with us—nice to have you here.

Ron: Glad to be here. Certainly glad to be with the Arterburns.

Steve: Yes; we hope we represent a smart stepfamily for you. [Laughter]

Dennis: Well said—well said.

Ron: I think you do.

Steve: No; we really did, from the beginning, work with our pastors on overcoming some obstacles. Both of us felt like we met the biblical criteria for divorce and for remarriage, and that was kind of the foundation first.

Misty: We had a lot of people speaking into our lives—we invited a lot of people into our relationship—but also each of our own individual healing paths that we were on.

3:00

When you start dating someone, you don’t know if this is going to end up in a marriage. The main goal was just for me to continue being healthy, and healing, and growing, and raising my boys to be healthy, and strong, and healing as well. Steve was on a path like that.

Bob: Well, here’s the way I think about the kind of situation both of you were in. I follow pro sports. I know, sometimes, a guy will sustain an injury that knocks him out for the season. He has to go to the doctors; he has to get bones reset; he has a lot of work that has to happen / there’s some rehab that has to happen. The doctors want to make sure that, before they even think about him being back in the game, he’s not going to tear something fresh.

Misty: Right; yes.

Steve: Right.

Bob: So, when your first marriages ended, you were where all people are in that moment—you were hurting and out of the game for a while.

4:00

Misty: Yes.

Bob: What was the process of beginning rehab and realignment for you during those first few months after the divorce happened?

Misty: Well, it was a bit like walking off of a cliff. I mean, I didn’t know if I’d survive it either. I cried every day, for about four years, during the process and after the divorce—a lot of pain / a lot of pain.

I had a mentor—a female mentor in the church—and we met regularly. She, not only covered me in prayer, but just gave me daily practical advice and encouragement. The elders of my church were involved—they were looking out for me. I went two cycles through the divorce care recovery material, which was phenomenal and very, very healing. I just got into a community of people that are: everybody healing—and we’re all looking at our wounds, and we’re getting input, and we’re humbling down. It was a time when, actually, spiritually, it’s a really precious time in my life.

5:00

You know, going through it was horrific; but it is a treasure to me now. I lived in the Psalms, and I just prayed those prayers, and I had experienced God in a new way. I couldn’t know Him as a comforter at the level that I met Him during that very, very dark season. Those were some of the things I did.

Steve: Yes; and when I met Misty—I just met her one time. I didn’t ever talk with her for a long time after that; but as we did get to know each other, a year or so later, I was so impressed by her connection in church, and with her pastors, and mentors. We swapped counselors before we decided we could get married.

But for me, you know, I was surrounded by all these—the best Christian counselors—like Henry Cloud, John Townsend, and all these other folks—and then I went to see a counselor.

6:00

I had an assistant who said: “By the way, you need to get some help. You look really bad,”—and I did. It was the darkest time of my life—the pain.

I discovered something so strang...