FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript

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Finding Realistic Expectations

Guest: Ron Deal

From the series: Your Stepfamily: Standing Strong (Day 2 of 5)

Bob: One of the big issues for children in a stepfamily is trying to figure out where their loyalties lie. Here’s Ron Deal.

Ron: The child, after remarriage, now says, "Okay, wait a minute. This guy, I guess, is now my dad; or he's my stepdad or something." They almost feel some obligation to have a relationship with him; but, at the same time—in the back of his mind—his biological dad is in another home, saying, "Now, don't enjoy him too much." This 11-year-old is getting the idea that, “I can't be loyal to my stepdad because it would be disloyal to my biological dad.”

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, April 24th. Our host is the President of FamilyLife®, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. There are a lot of tangled relationships that happen when families get blended. It can be tough to try to untangle some of those. We’ll talk more about that today. Stay tuned.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. We're going to do a little cooking today on the broadcast. We've got a recipe we're going to bring out and just see what we can whip up, here in Mr. Rainey's kitchen. (Laughter) How's that? Mr. Rainey's kitchen!

Dennis: We're going to talk about stepfamilies.

Bob: You're going to give that guy—what's his name on the Food Network™?—give him a run for his money.

Dennis: I have some recipes, Bob. You underestimate me.

Bob: No, I have tasted your cooking. It's very good.

Dennis: I like to cook. Unfortunately, I like to eat, too.

Bob: That's right. (Laughter)

Dennis: We're not going to talk about cooking on the broadcast—except, in just a moment, we are going to give you a recipe for how to cook a stepfamily; alright? We have with us the master chef, Ron Deal. Ron, welcome to FamilyLife Today.

Ron: Thank you. It's great to be back.

Dennis: Ron does seminars, all across the country, called "Building a Successful Stepfamily". You've, I guess, talked to thousands of folks in churches, and small groups, and retreats, all across the country, over the past ten years?

Ron: Yes.

Dennis: Ron and his wife live in Jonesboro, Arkansas, with their three sons. He's a minister. He's a counselor—I think, has got a lot to say that's very, very helpful. He has a recipe. It's “How to Cook a Stepfamily”. Now, did you come up with this recipe yourself, Ron?

Ron: Actually, I did. You know, I was thinking, one day, about the blended family and that metaphor. We said on yesterday’s program that most stepfamilies don't blend, and somebody usually gets creamed if they do. I started thinking, “Well, if they don't blend, how do you cook a stepfamily?” I mean, the notion of a blender is—you put a bunch of ingredients in something and, all of a sudden, they become one fluid mixture.

That's just not quite what stepfamilies end up to become. So, “How do you do this?” Well, I thought about the food processor. That just chops somebody up, and somebody gets chopped up in the process. For example, a parent who says to their child, "Okay, you need to call your stepfather, 'Daddy'. We're not calling him 'Frank'. We're not calling him 'Stepdad'. You need to call him, 'Daddy.'" In effect, Mom has just chopped up real dad. He lives somewhere else, but he no longer exists. We've chopped him up; now, “This is now your new real dad.”

That kind of pressure—that kind of message—really backfires within stepfamilies. It doesn't work. Food processor doesn't help.

I began to think some about the microwave. These are families who want to be a nuke-lear family. (Laughter)

Dennis: Did you catch that, Bob?

Ron: It took you a minute; didn't it?

Dennis: Oh, no, I read it first. I'd already caught it!

Bob: Yes.

Ron: They're working really hard to not be any different than anybody else. They refused—I had a guy call in to a radio program I was on one time and argue with me. "We're not a stepfamily. We're not a stepfamily. We're just like everybody else."

Well, it's not a bad thing to be a stepfamily. It's just a different kind of family; but, yes, you are one. As long as you refuse to acknowledge that, you're not going to be able to find any creative solutions.

Dennis: I would think this would be more prevalent because of the fast-paced culture we live in and people going, “You know, we've made a new family. We've got to make this happen quickly."

Ron: Yes, and microwave it. “Let's just make it happen instantly.”

Dennis: Yes, push the button.

Ron: It doesn't work. That's the same thing with a pressure cooker. You know, “We're just going to add a lot of pressure. We're going to force each other to love one another. If the kids don't do it, we're going to be really upset with them because they've been unwilling to do that.” All of those things backfire.

The one other approach that really doesn't work is called the tossed salad. That's where we just kind of throw one another up in the air. I think about the family—for example—that when one of their children, who has part-time residence in another home; but then, there are some children that remain in the home over the weekend. “While you're gone, your possessions are ours.”

You know, let's stop and think about that for a minute. If my possessions, when I'm at dad's house—all of a sudden—anybody can play with my stuff, and mess up my room, and get into my drawers, or play with my toys—then, I don't have a place, really, in that home. The tossed salad is, “We'll just toss you up in the air. Wherever you come down, you're supposed to be okay with that.”

It's really disrespectful for parents to do that. You need to set up a rule that says, "Can we use your stuff? Can Johnny ride your bike while you're over at your dad's house?" "Oh, sure, that's fine." Okay, well, now we've at least been respectful to this child and given him a place, even when he's not there.

So how do you cook a stepfamily if all of those don't wo...

Your Stepfamily, Standing Strong (Part 2) - Ron Deal