FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript

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Co-Parenting: Visitation

Guest: Ron Deal

From the series: Your Stepfamily: Standing Strong

Bob: One of the unique dynamics facing a stepfamily today is the ongoing conflict that can exist between former spouses and the impact that conflict can have on children. Here is Ron Deal.

Ron: I think parents really underestimate the ability of their children to handle the truth; but we do need to be respectful as we present that truth. The fine line is, “Will you turn to criticism when it becomes a personal attack?” That’s when it really begins to weigh heavy on the kids. You know, when I attack your father, living in another home—parents need to understand that kid carries that pain because, “I’m half of Dad.”

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, April 26th. Our host is the President of FamilyLife®, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. What can a husband and wife do to help children in a stepfamily navigate turbulent emotional waters? Stay tuned.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. I have never forgotten a friend of mine. I will call her "Beth". She had been married, had a son—the marriage had not lasted. She had been a single parent for a number of years. Then, she met a guy. This guy was—well, he was wonderful. I was a little suspicious, frankly, of just how wonderful he was. I thought, "She's been pretty lonely for a long time." Not only that, but she wanted to have another baby; and she wasn't getting younger.

Well, the two of them got married. I'll never forget—it didn't take long for her to arrive at work one day, and Beth said to me—she didn't look good. I said, "Are you okay?" She said, "Well, we had a pretty serious disagreement this morning." I said, "What was it about?"

She went on to explain that her new husband had tried to tell her son a few things that he needed to do and had started shouting at him. She said, "I got in the middle, between the two of them. I said, ‘You're not going to talk to my son this way.’" The whole thing just kind of crumbled into everybody going in their own direction, and nobody feeling good about the situation. I thought, "This couple needs someone who can sit down with them and say, 'You have got to start learning some new skills if you're going to make this thing work.'"

Dennis: At our FamilyLife marriage conference, we focus in on giving people biblical skills in knowing how to build a marriage and a family. One of the fastest-growing segments that are attending our FamilyLife marriage conference are those who are stepfamilies—those who find themselves in remarriage situations. I'll tell you—they're eager, Bob, for those skill sets because they've been in the real-life settings where they're afraid that they may again experience the heartache of divorce. Not all, but many who are in stepfamilies, come about it through that route—some through the death of a spouse.

All this week—we've uncovered a resource that we wanted to bring to our listeners. We’re really thrilled to do so because of the specialized needs of stepfamilies. Today, we want to focus on the subject that you brought up, Bob—the subject of step-parenting and how that works its way out in this new family formation.

Ron Deal joins us for a fourth day. Ron, it's been a treat to have you on the broadcast this week and glad to have you on FamilyLife Today.

Ron: Thank you.

Dennis: Ron is a minister, a counselor, and a speaker on the subject of stepfamilies, all across the country—has a seminar that he does. Ron, one of the areas that you find the most relevant, as you teach on this subject, is this one right here. In fact, you break down parenting into three areas: parenting, step-parenting, and co-parenting. Now, you've got to help me, what's a co-parent?

Ron: It's complicated; isn't it?

Dennis: It is.

Ron: Co-parents are ex-spouses or the biological parents of the children. In other words, if there has been a divorce situation, the children are moving back and forth between two homes. You are no longer married to your former spouse. If you were never married, you're not in that situation with them; but you do have an ongoing parenting relationship with them.

The way we like to say it is there's no such thing as ex-parents. There are only ex-spouses. So, you're forever tied through the children. You have to work together; otherwise, the children can divide and conquer as they move back and forth between homes—just like they could within your home.

Bob: Yes, and I don't know in what order we want to go through parenting—step-parenting or co-parenting—but as you've addressed the co-parenting issue right here—we get letters all the time, Dennis, from people who say, "Here is my situation. I've come to Christ. We're trying to raise our children in a godly, Christian environment. We've got rules and things that our kids can't do; and then, they go visit Mom or Dad on the weekend."

Dennis: “He's living with a girlfriend”—

Bob: “They're watching R-rated movies”—

Dennis: —“drinking, doing drugs”—

Bob: —“language”—

Ron: It's one of the most frustrating issues that I find, whether we're talking about people that are still in single-parent years or whether they're in stepfamilies. The other household has a tremendous influence on the kids; and they ask the question, "What can we do about it?"

Here is my answer—first, and foremost, please accept and acknowledge that you do not control what goes on in that other home. The reason I say that is because, under the guise of being concerned, there's a lot of ex-spouses that are still trying to control their ex-. They're still trying to tell them what to do, and they've been divorced for years. You've got to understand that divorce means you lose your right to influence the other person. That's one of the unfortunate results of divorce.

Dennis: Yes; but I can hear a single-parent mom or a woman who is in a stepfamily, right now, going, "But you do not know what my son is walking off into with his stepdad. You're not telling me to just let him go off into that situation. God's given me responsibility to protect him from evil."

Ron: Well, ...

Your Stepfamily, Standing Strong (Part 3) - Ron Deal