This episode’s question comes from Emily in New Jersey:

Question:

"No matter how much I discipline my kids, they keep misbehaving. How do I get my kids to behave and do the right thing?"

The Goal:
Good behavior is not the ultimate goal of good parenting. While discipline is important, the true focus should be on shaping a child’s heart and identity, rather than just their actions.

Common Misconception:
Many parents fall into the trap of thinking good parenting means having well-behaved children. However, focusing solely on behavior risks teaching children that love is conditional.

Staying on Track in Parenting

Good Behavior is Not the Ultimate Goal:
- Good behavior is important but not the most crucial outcome of parenting. Parenting is about guiding children in character development, not just behavior correction.
- Discipline is essential, but it should be seen as a process of shaping children into the person God designed them to be.
Behavior and Love Shouldn’t Be Conditional:
- When parents make behavior the ultimate goal, they unintentionally teach that love is earned through obedience. This results in children who either rebel or behave out of fear.
- God’s love for us is not transactional, and our parenting should reflect that same covenantal love—unconditional and consistent, regardless of behavior.
Misbehavior is a Learning Opportunity:
- Instead of viewing misbehavior as a failure, see it as an opportunity for growth and discipleship. It’s a chance to teach your child about their identity and potential.
- Discipline the action, but affirm the child's identity, reminding them that they are loved and capable of more.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode

"Good behavior is not the goal of good parenting."
"Kids are really bad at being adults—and that’s okay."
"Love is not conditional to obedience."
"When we make behavior the main thing, we teach our kids that love is earned."
"Parenting isn’t about behavior modification, it’s about identity shaping."

Key Points Takeaways:

Behavior isn't everything. Good behavior is fine, but it's not the ultimate goal. Parenting is about shaping a child’s heart and character.
Love must be unconditional. If we emphasize obedience over love, children may feel that they have to earn our love through good behavior, which is not the message we want to send.
Focus on identity over actions. Use misbehavior as a teaching moment to guide children in becoming the people God designed them to be, rather than simply correcting their actions.

Conclusion:

In this episode, Greg and Cody challenge the common belief that good parenting equals good behavior. True parenting involves guiding children through love, identity, and discipleship—not just focusing on their actions.

Learn more at:
www.gracebasedfamilies.com
Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio
www.gumaudio.com

The Myth of Getting It Right: Parenting Isn't Just About Good Behavior