Podcast
Book Retorts
Hosted by Book Retorts · EN
A show about explaining your weird media finds to your friends
10episodes
Episodes
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Phantom of the Megaplex
Nov 13, 202401:11:24Tap to summarizeDanielle is back on the Disney Channel Original Movie train with the 2000 made for TV movie Phantom of the Megaplex. Pete is the 17 year-old assistant manager of the small-town megaplex, which has somehow just scored hosting the premiere for the next major blockbuster. Unfortunately, the owner has just informed senior manager Shawn the he’s being passed over for the role of the general manager in favor of the owner’s son-in-law. Shawn doesn’t seem too distraught by this despite this being a truly terrible move by the owner. Anyway, the day of the premiere Pete brings his two younger siblings to the theater since they’re still showing movies despite the insane fact they’re hosting a Hollywood premiere in a mere few hours. That’s when strange things start happening in the theater: The projectors spasm, wind blows, Shawn goes missing briefly, then goes missing again! That’s when Pete’s younger brother becomes convinced they’re being haunted by the fabled Phantom of the Megaplex, who may actually just be the projectionist or someone, or an actual ghost! Needless to say Pete is on the case, and by on the case, we mainly mean doubting the Phantom is real while trying to clean up all the messes in time for the premiere which is, and this can’t be stressed enough, the same evening this megaplex has been going about business as usual. So stay tuned to see if Pete can unmask the Phantom, and also to learn the best name Danielle has ever given to a character, probably. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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The Rise of Endymion - Part 2
Oct 30, 202401:58:35Tap to summarizeAfter a short break for recovery, we’re back with part two of the Dan Simmons novel The Rise of Endymion from 1997. After far too many weeks, Danielle is back, and so is our far more optimistic guest co-host Filip from the Mind Duck Books podcast. The first thing our intrepid hosts attempt to recall is how the story started in the previous episode. It is a surprisingly difficult challenge for all three of the hosts, and it’s unclear if that has more to do with the time since the last episode, or the story itself. Considering the opening of this episode has our first ever correction on the podcast, we’ll let you be the judge. As Sam dives into this new episode we open with the reappearance of the Shrike! It’s back on Mars and dropping sick beats and ripping the cruciforms out of people. Meanwhile, Raul is suffering tremendous pain which turns out to be a hilariously dramatic kidney stone. He’s staying with a local religious group with a name that’s hard to spell and harder to say, and spends most of his time in drug induced dreams that are heavy on exposition. Also meanwhile, Father Captain de Soya is on the forefront of the crusade against the Ousters, and it is so brutal and cruel that, unsurprisingly, de Soya has second thoughts. That’s all well and good, but the real surprise of this episode is how thoroughly Filip’s optimism withers over the course of the story when confronted with all the amazing nonsense thrown at him. We promise that’s fun and not depressing! Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us on this thrilling journey! You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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Halloween III: Season of the Witch
Oct 16, 202401:23:56Tap to summarizeSpook Retorts is back! And this year Danielle is starting us off with the venerable Halloween franchise with the third installment from 1982: Season of the Witch. If you love Michael Myers and the deep lore of the Halloween movies, then you’re going to have very ambivalent feelings about Halloween III, which is the first (and last) of John Carpenter’s planned anthology series of Halloween movies. When an elderly toy maker is able to escape murder thanks to a well placed block of concrete on a chain, he stumbles into a hospital clutching a Halloween mask and raving about a disaster. When the old man is successfully murdered just a little while later, Dr. Dan and the man’s daughter Ellie are on the case! Why not the police, you ask? Well, so did we, and we received no answers. Anyway, their investigation leads them to the company town of the Silver Shamrock company, the manufacturer of the Halloween masks. Not only are Silver Shamrock selling the masks, they are absolutely blanketing airwaves with catchy commercials for their masks that literally counts down the days until Halloween. And what are these fabulous, amazing masks? A witch, a pumpkin, and a skeleton. Wow, so original. However, not everything is as it seems, as nine months earlier one of the bluestones was stolen from Stonehenge in an unbelievable heist that would have a made a much better movie. Clearly, some nefarious and mystical mayhem is afoot, and it all culminates in making Sam super angry about a plan that seems utterly pointless, and the unfortunate dearth of witches despite the promise of the movie’s title. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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Simply Irresistible
Oct 2, 202401:27:46Tap to summarizeThis week, Danielle brings the 1999 Sarah Michelle Gellar film Simply Irresistible. Amanda is a chef in New York City who owns a failing restaurant because she’s a terrible cook. While at a street framer’s market, Amanda is bullied into buying a basket of crabs and then has a chance encounter with Tom, the manager of the big department store who’s also opening a restaurant in that department store for some reason. It should be noted that these chance encounters, and basket of crabs, is all being orchestrated by Gene O’Reilly, a kinda guardian angel/cupid figure who doesn’t actually matter that much. Anyway, later that day, Tom ends up at Amanda’s restaurant with his girlfriend. Amanda prepares the crabs she bought for Tom, but one escapes and takes up residence in Amanda’s kitchen. Now, there is an assertion by the movie that the crab is magic, Sam has doubts that the crab is special in any way. Anyway, Amanda’s food sends Tom into waves of ecstasy while it causes his girlfriend to dump him. Soon, he and Amanda are dating, or at least hooking up in a magic sugar mist (yes, really), and Tom is so obsessed with Amanda’s food he steals it off of random people in his store. The usual rom-com shenanigans and misunderstandings ensue, but each is filtered through a bizarre and surreal lens of fantasy, and also there’s a crab there that just kinda watches Amanda grow into the chef she was destined to be, and find love along the way? Who cares! Tell us more about that freaking crab! Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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The Rise of Endymion - Part 1
Sep 18, 202401:53:27Tap to summarizeSam finally begins the final part of the the Hyperion Cantos with the 1997 book The Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons. It’s finally here! The last book in the absolutely bonkers Hyperion series, and in desperate need of help our intrepid hosts have called in Filip from the Mind Duck Books podcast for much needed moral support. We kick off with Danielle doing a frankly astonishingly good summary of the previous book to catch everyone up. Still, Filip does have a few questions that Sam has no answers for, of course. The book begins with the pope dying and being, inevitably, resurrected in some possibly retconned way where Paul Duré resurrects first but is then murdered by Cardinal Lourdusamy. Regardless, Hoyt is reelected pope and declares a crusade on the Ousters! This greatly upsets the newly reinstated Father Captain de Soya, but he takes command of one of the new Arch Angel warships anyway. Meanwhile, Aenea and Raul are on Earth, it’s been three years, and Aenea’s mentor, architect Frank Lloyd Wright, has just died. Aenea declares the architect camp experiment on the Earth over, and tells the other apprentices that they must return to the Pax and risk death because… Well, she never really says why, but it sure seems important. Then she gives Raul an abbreviated biography of the real Frank Lloyd Wright for yet more inscrutable reasons. After that, she tells Raul he needs to go alone back down the Tethys river in a kayak to find the ship they crashed, and then meet her and A. Bettik later. Raul is unhappy about this, but sets off down the Mississippi anyway to begin his journey. Back in the Pax, not only is the Pax fleet anticipating the return of Aenea, so is the TechnoCore, which has dispatched four what are essentially terminators, including Rhadamanth Nemes, to kill her. The Pax Mercantilus is also looking to nab Aenea so they can engage in some political machinations and replace the Vatican as the ally of the TechnoCore. Does this book need yet more plots now involving complex political schemes? No, but it sure is fun! In conclusion, Sam is super angry we don’t spend more time with the Ousters. Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us on this thrilling journey! You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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Book Reshorts: Franchise Follies
Sep 4, 202400:24:55Tap to summarizeOn the final short of our summer break, Sam has a new game for Danielle, that’s a lot like some of our other games (look, there’s only so many ideas we can have). In this game, Sam finds weird entries in popular franchises and has Danielle guess which of the three descriptions is the real deal. This is another game where we might not be very good at it, but Sam does come up with some excellent ideas for The X-Files episodes. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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Book Reshorts: Sequel Shenanigans 2: The Sequel
Aug 21, 202400:21:56Tap to summarizeAs our summer break continues, we’re back for another round of Sequel Shenanigans! In this game Danielle and Sam present three possible sequel titles for media franchises they covered and the other person has to guess which is the real sequel title. They’re not very good at the game but they do come up with some great ideas for sequels, so we think it evens out. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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Book Reshorts: The Quiz: Back in the Quizzadle
Aug 7, 202400:32:49Tap to summarizeWe’re still on our summer break, but we brought back a classic game to see you through this drought! This time, our intrepid hosts need to identify the real one of three possible plot summaries for a book based only on the title and author. Danielle spins some amazing faux summaries while Sam takes a decidedly subtler approach to crafting his deceptions. So play along and see if you can spot the real summary from the fakes as we mount up or another ride in the quizzadle! The books chosen for this quiz were: That Time I Got Drunk and Yeeted a Love Potion at a Werewolf by Kimberly Lemming, Dream Park by Larry Niven and Steven Barnes, How to Age Disgracefully by Clare Pooley, The White Mountains by John Christopher, I’m Afraid You’ve Got Dragons by Peter S. Beagle, and The Illumination by Kevin Brockmeier. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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Book Reshorts: Panic! at the Recall: B! Sides
Jul 24, 202400:24:53Tap to summarizeWhile Danielle and Sam are on their summer break, they have some very special shorts so as not to leave you destitute. This time we’re back with the Panic! at the Recall game where our beleaguered hosts try their best to summarize the past media they’ve shared in under a minute. How bad are they at this? Not great! It’s a lot of fun, and definitely leads to the conclusion that our hosts should maybe listen to their own podcast on occasion. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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Killer Crabs
Jul 10, 202401:22:01Tap to summarizeThis week the crabs are back as Danielle shares the 1978 Guy N. Smith novel Killer Crabs. We open in Australia where local fisherman Klin is super upset, and maybe a bit racist, about the Japanese poachers stealing his fish. After refusing the siren call of a woman to instead indulge his hatred of the poachers, his concerns are quickly replaced as the fisherman becomes the fished! We’re of course talking about giant killer crabs as big as a small car! Or an elephant! Or two sheep! While no one can agree on the size of these crabs, they all agree that, despite the events of the last book having happened, no one has heard about these before. Luckily, Dr. Cliff Davenport, now a renowned crabspert, is here from Britain to help. Has he brought the amazing poison used to defeat the crabs last time? No, but he has brought humanity’s oldest and greatest weapon: Fire! But before easily dispatching of the crab menace we first need to take a brief detour into an entirely unnecessary but amazing plot about a bank robbery, stolen identity, the world’s most insatiable woman, and Harvey Logan: Game Hunter. While no one can explain how these crabs keep getting around the world’s oceans unnoticed, we are sure of one thing: We’re super delighted that they do so we can read these books! Huge shout-out to friend Filip of the Mind Duck Books podcast for helping us find these amazing books. You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann. For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube. If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.
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