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Anxious Attachment 101
00:43:52
This week, Alex breaks down attachment styles and dives deep into anxious attachment. She discusses how childhood experiences can shape the way we approach intimacy, why inconsistent partners can feel so addictive, and how anxiety can lead to overthinking, reassurance-seeking, and self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships. She also shares advice on identifying your triggers, separating facts from the stories you tell yourself, communicating your needs more directly, and learning how to feel safe in healthier relationships. Enjoy!
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Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Tinder. When you're into someone on Tinder, you start picking up on the little cues, like casually asking their birthday so you can look up their zodiac sign or hearing a song they love and thinking, okay, wait, this actually tells me a lot about you. That's why Tinder has astrology mode and music mode. It's an easy way to break the ice and start the conversation. Daddy Gang. Explore all the possibilities for yourself. Tinder. It starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today must be 18 plus. Call her daddy is brought to you by Bright by Scotch Brite. Daddy Gang, a lot of us obviously take pride in where we live, right? We want the decor to look good and then we want the lighting and the cleaning and all of it. And you want it to look spotless and you want it to look really nice, right? So level up your clean routine with bright line of sponges. Use the palm scrubber with a comfy grip for serious scrubs. The easy to fill leak proof dish wand to keep hands out of the mess or the scrub and wipe for a scrubb side and a sud sing side. All three look good. Scrub gray and they come with handy drain and dry stands that are super compact and cute. Hook yourself up. Boost it with bright. Shop now. Daddy Gang. Today's episode is sponsored by Sour Patch Kids Besties. Sour Patch Kids besties are a new spin on the OG but still have everything you already love about them. You still get that class classic sour than sweet experience. But now the pieces come connected together in little bestie pairs. It is. I'm not. Okay. It's so cute. They're literally attached at the hip, which is perfect because I was never stopping at just one. Anyways, go share some besties with your bestie. Oh my God. So good. Daddy Gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. I want to just get right into it. Today I want to talk about attachment styles. Um, I posted on my social media about this and there were so many people that were like, wait, what are attachment styles? And I was gonna go more in depth on one thing and then I was like, oh, wait, if people don't even know what this is or don't know fully about it. I was like, this is a great jumping off point. First of all, attachment theory is not just some, like, BS trendy TikTok lingo that we are all seeing today. It is the literal blueprint of your brain. It dictates essentially everything you do. It's almost like it's basically like this, like invisible Puppet master behind you of like the why you make decisions and quite frankly, like why some of you are living in a self inflicted cycle of absolute chaos or unrecognized patterns. And like, it is not your fault because it is almost like ingrained in you and innate. And so today I want to, I want to dive deep into it all, okay? Because this will literally relate to every single person watching. So to kick us off, I want to ask a couple questions and I just want you to be brutally honest with yourself. Okay? Sit back, relax. Don't close your eyes if you're driving, but close your eyes if you're just sitting, okay? For some of my ladies listening, why is it that the moment someone actually treats you right and you know, they show up on time, they tell you they like you, they aren't hiding three secret families in different area codes, you suddenly are like, yeah, I'm bored. Bored. Like, why does a healthy relationship feel like a choreography but a toxic text at 2am it feels like a spark, feels like chemistry, right? If you relate to that, we are going to get to you, don't worry. To other girlies listening, why do you get physically sick to your stomach if someone doesn't reply to a meme you just sent within 45 minutes and then you immediately are convincing yourself, oh man, they literally hate me. If that is you, do not worry, I will get to you. And then for my independent woman out there, why does the thought of actually telling someone you missed them make you feel like you basically want to jump out of a moving vehicle? You're like, into oncoming traffic actually sounds way better than doing this. Like, why is your first instinct the second second someone gets close, you're like, pack my bags, find a flaw. Well, I've also got you too. All of these are kind of alluding to different attachment styles. And I think the hard truth about attachment styles is how you attached to your caregivers when you were a literal toddler. A baby, an infant is currently running your adult life and it decides who you sleep with, how you argue, how you behave at work, and it basically completely influences how you trust the world. And so if you don't understand your attachment style, it's basically like you're driving a car with your eyes closed, wondering why you just keep slamming into brick walls and getting in accidents. And then you're like, I don't know what? I guess it's the wall's faul being there. What else could it be? And it's like, no, no, no, it's just because you don't understand what is actually driving you. So today I want to help everyone, including myself, open our eyes so we don't just keep ramming into walls and be like why did that happen? And I'm basically going to try to show you exactly how this wiring is impacting your sex life, your friendships, your and your self esteem and your future. So grab a drink, get comfortable and let's get into it. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. I think so much about life is being prepared for changes or unexpected moments in life that where you thought one thing was going to happen and maybe it ends up being completely different. I feel like life rarely follows a perfect plan and real growth often comes from learning and adapting along the way. And therapy with Better Help, the world's largest online therapy platform can be a space to pause, reevaluate and adjust to any unexpected changes. With over 30, 000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp is one of the leading online thera platforms having served millions of people globally. Better Help makes it easier to fit therapy into your routine with flexible ways to connect that work for different schedules and lifestyles. You're in good hands guys. Better Help therapists have at least three years and 1, 000 hours of hands on experience and hold all required education, training and certifications. You can meet with a range of professionals from marriage and family therapists to social workers and counselors. So if you needed a little sign, this is your sign. You don't have to navigate life changes alone. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Daddy that's better. H E L p.com Daddy call her Daddy is brought to you by Shopify. I think something that's really incredible if you are someone who wants to start your own business or has started your own business is there are so many tools out there now that make it way easier on you to have the heavy lifting done for you. And that is where Shopify comes in. Shopify is the best place place to start and grow a business. With the Shopify platform you can own your storefront while still being discovered everywhere from Google to YouTube to the Shop app. Shopify lets you sell across TikTok, IG Pinterest and you can even sell directly inside of ChatGPT and Shop Pay. You know like the purple little button streamlines to one click checkout so you have better conversion rates and fewer abandoned carts. Oh, and Shopify also has Sidekick. Basically it's an AI co founder that helps with the hard stuff like website optimization Analyzing sales trends and updating product skus. I have told you guys, since day one, I have used Shopify. They have been such an incredible partner, and they have really helped me monetize my business in a way that I could have never done just solely by myself. I think something that we do a lot as entrepreneurs or business owners is we try to take everything on on ourselves because we're worried, like, oh, well, if we hire whatever, are they going to show up and do the job? And let me tell you, you don't have to worry about that. With Shopify guys ready to add entrepreneur to your list of accomplishments, head to shopify.com daddy. That's shopify.com daddy. At its core, an attachment style is your subconscious blueprint for how you behave, how you communicate, and how you react in close relationships. It's basically like how your brain reacts to intimacy and threat. And it's developed when you are a baby. Right? I kind of just said that. But the annoying part is it then shows up when you're like, 24, 25, 26, 30, 32, 33, like, and you're like, oh, my God, why is this impacting me? You're, like, crying over an unanswered FaceTime and you're like, why am I so emotional about this? It goes all the way back to childhood, honey. I know. So fucking annoying. And so everyone is believed to fit one or some people more attachment styles. But if you are watching today, you have an attachment style, and you fall into basically one of these four categories. So we have secure attachment, we have anxious attachment, we have avoidant attachment, and then fearful, disorganized attachment. Today I kind of want to just focus on anxious attachment. And then I will do episodes the next few weeks dedicated to each of the other attachment styles. Because I was going to try to cram it into one, and then I was like, I feel like literally each one needs ample time to be discussed and dissected because there is so much to each of these. And so here we go. Anxious attachment. Okay, so let's first start off with, like, you may be like, am I an anxious attached person? I don't know, Alex. So I'm gonna kind of just walk you through if you have ever been called crazy, needy too much or, you know, dramatic by someone who couldn't even manage to text you back. This episode is gonna hopefully be your holy grail, and I'm gonna try to explain exactly what is happening in your brain, why you keep choosing people who make you feel like you're essentially Starving. And more importantly, at the end, we're gonna try to talk about how do we change this? How do we stop this? So we're gonna start with a little self diagnosis. Very fun today. Very light stuff. Everyone's like, this does not feel light. I know, but I promise it's going to be helpful. I am going to paint a picture and you basically just decide if this sounds familiar, right? So you're dating someone, it's going well. You had a great date on Tuesday, but now it's, let's say Thursday afternoon. And you send a text. It's casual. Maybe you're sending a funny meme or a quick question. And then one hour passes, nothing. Two hours, still nothing. Now a normal secure person's brain goes, oh, maybe they're just busy at work. Let me finish my emails. Right? But your brain, your brain goes into full blown DEFCON 1 alert. You're like, okay, I gotta open the chat. I have to reread every single text we've ever exchanged. You go to Instagram, you see if their follower count went up a little bit, right? You're checking their location. And even if you don't have their location, you find a way to find their location. Okay? And your heart is quite literally beating through your chest. You're sitting at your desk, you're physically unable to focus on your actual job because you are convinced that they have suddenly realized you are a hideous, unlovable bridge of a troll and they are never, ever going to speak to you again, obviously. Right? Right. And then three hours later, they text back and instantly your nervous system, it just floods with relief. You literally feel high. It feels like a high, right? You feel safe again and you're like, oh, my God, I think I'm in love with them. And I think it's really important to acknowledge that, Daddy gang, that is not love. That is an anxious attachment trigger response. Okay, so let's rewind. Why are we like this? Why can't we just be chill, enjoy our relationships? I'm obviously not a therapist, but I read the books and I talked to my therapist and I did a lot of research on this so that you don't have to. Ok. It all goes back to your childhood. If you have anxious attachment when you were a baby, your primary caregivers, usually that would be your mom or your dad or both, right? They were likely inconsistent. So some days they were incredibly, you know, warm and present and loving. And then other days they were stressed, cold, felt emotionally unavailable. And because you never knew which version of your parents you were going to get. Your tiny baby brain essentially learned this survival mechanism, which is hypervigilance. Okay? You realized that if you, you know, whimpered softly, nobody came to your rescue. But if you screamed and you cried and you clung to their leg, they would finally pay attention. See, I'm going here. Okay, flash forward 20 years. You're in a bar in West Village and you meet a man who behaves exactly like your inconsistent parents. One day he's obsessed with you, the next day he's cold. And so your adult brain goes, oh, my God, this feels. This feels familiar. This is what love feels like. This is what was modeled to me as a kid. And you are subconsciously then choosing partners who recreate the exact environment where you had to fight for attention because your brain literally thinks, understandably, that that is the only way to get it. That's the first thing you were taught as a child. So let's talk about behaviors, okay? Because when our anxious attachment gets triggered, we do some truly wild things to try and regain control. And psychologists call these protest behaviors. Okay? And I'm gonna throw out some hopefully relatable examples of how this can show up in real life. Because I'm using big words and it's like, okay, Alex, how does this actually apply to me? A good example would be when someone is triggering you and you're an anxious attachment. You give the cold shoulder. You ignore this person's text for four hours to punish them. But what you actually want is you want them to panic and ask, is everything okay? Okay. Another example is threatening to leave. What you do is you text something like, you know, maybe we should stop talking. But what you actually want is you want them to fight for you and say, no, please stay. I feel like another common behavior that came up when I was researching this is like keeping score, right? So what you do is you wait exactly 43 minutes to reply because they took 43 minutes to reply. But what you actually want is you want to feel like you have some power too in this relationship. And so a really common behavior is the over explaining when you are this anxious person, right? Even if you were being cold for a second, finally when it's time to talk, it's like what you do is you send a 14 paragraph text dissecting your feelings at 2am but then what you actually really just want is you want them to finally understand and you just want them to reassure you. Now, if this is at all hit and home, and this feels relatable and applicable to your life, this is a pattern that you know very well and you're very familiar with, you're watching this being like, yep, uh huh. Let's go. Ooh, did that the other day. Alex did that literally five minutes ago. Alex. And I think what's hard to hear, but it's the truth is these kind of protest behaviors that you're doing, they always backfire. Always. You do them because you desperately want the closeness and the reassurance from your partner. But to the other person, it literally just looks like you're playing mind games, you're being dramatic, or you're just starting fights literally out of nowhere. And so inevitably, it then pushes your partner further away, which then triggers your anxiety even more. And then the cycle just continues. You unknowingly and unintentionally are actually hurting yourself more. Now. If you're listening to this and you're crying in your car right now, babe, I see you, okay? And I just want to. First, I just want to express empathy because it is exhausting to live this way. It feels like you are just constantly on an emotional roller coaster that you didn't ask to get on. And you're like, why is this happening to my life? And I feel like we see people online just joking, using the words like, this person's clingy or I'm clingy or I'm needy, or like, they joke about like being an FBI agent, you know, because they're like looking up their partner's location. But the actual internal reality of living with anxious attachment is it's incredibly painful and it's lonely and it's physically exhausting. And so there are some people who will never understand what that actually feels like to live with this on the day to day. And so if you are someone who is listening, who maybe cannot relate to this at all, but maybe your partner has anxious attachment, right? Or you've known someone that has anxious attachment, even if it's a friend or a family member, or you look back at an ex that had anxious attachment. I think to understand what these people are going through is to understand the emotional toll of what happens inside this person's body and mind during one of these, like, single, very common anxious attachment triggers. Okay. What someone with this attachment style is dealing with is a. Basically it's like a constant war between their logical side of their brain and then their nervous system. They're constantly at war. It's like a dual brain conflict. There is just a complete internal split going on when you have anxious attachment style. Basically, first of all, I want to make everyone like, you're not stupid, you're not overly emotional, you're. No, your rational brain is, you are intelligent, okay? But when a trigger happens, because of all that's happened in your childhood, like example, a partner, suddenly, you know, they sound cold on the phone or they sound cold over text, your logical brain says to you, oh, he's just tired. He had a 12 hour shift today. It's fine. Like, it's totally fine. But then your survival brain, which is so much louder, is saying, he's pulling away. He's pulling away because he did not realize that you're boring. And you need to fix this right now or you will be abandoned. And so that pain, this then means that you are forced to basically sit there, fully aware a lot of the times that you are overreacting while your body physically reacts as if you are standing in front of a threat. Like, you can logically be like, I know this is crazy, but your body is operating at a level that you kind of can't control, or it feels that way, right? And so the physical and the emotional toll is so fucking heavy and you can go through so much in just a few hours. First, it's the physical toll, right? The fight or flight response. The moment a partner pulls away your brain, it's like, guys, this is, this is science that I research. Your brain basically releases a flood of cortisol and adrenaline the minute this happens, right? And then your chest tightens, your stomach drops. That like literal sick to your stomach feeling, it happens, your heart rate spikes. And you can't distract yourself because your body is flooded with so much stress and so many stress hormones designed to just keep you awake and alert because that's what it feels. Literally like danger. Which again, like even just hearing this, if you're not someone that has anxious attachment like we I, you immediately have empathy, right? You're like, oh my God, I didn't realize this is what they go through. And so for this person, they then suddenly essentially experience a loss of mental autonomy. They lose control, right? For those three hours of silence that he hasn't texted you back, your brain is basically hijacked. And you can't read a book. You can't. Maybe you're at work, you can't focus on that presentation. You can't enjoy dinner with your friends or your family because your mind is entirely preoccupied by one task, which is solving the mystery of why they are pulling away. And so you reread past text messages looking for clues or, you know, like, wait, when, when did the vibe change and it feels like your peace of mind is entirely in someone else's hands. And then to add on to that, you eventually will leave that state. And then you will enter what feels like a shame hangover. Okay? When they finally text you back with a lot of times something normal, the panic goes away, it evaporates, but then it's immediately replaced by this wave of just like intense shame. And it feels like self loathing, right? You can't help but think like, oh my God, this is so embarrassing. Like, why did I get myself that worked up? I was that stressed and worked up. I am so pathetic for caring this much and overreacting. Like, I'm a grown adult. Why can't I just be normal and react normally? All my friends were like, it's fine, babe. Like, don't freak out. And I couldn't, I couldn't control myself. And so imagine running this cycle three, four, five times a week over months and years even, right? That emotional toll is just gonna, it's gonna create sheer exhaustion and it's so depleting. It can impact your self esteem because you're constantly feeling like you're just, you're basically a hostage to other people's moods and it makes you feel deeply unsafe in one space that you are supposed to feel the most secure, which is your most intimate relationships, right? And so I know this is probably triggering to some people right now, understandably, and it may be scary for some people. If you are a partner, this may be providing clarity to your situation with your loved one, right? You can't say that you experience it personally, but you are experiencing it because your partner experiences it. And therefore this kind of also consumes your life. But the positive that you can find in this and take from this, I never leave you hanging, guys, is you can heal this. You can. You do not have to live your life like this forever. I promise you, you don't. And I do hope that that makes all of you watching feel a little bit better. Because I know we just went through the trenches and it's like, okay, I need to go cry. Obviously, my biggest advice always is therapy. It's always going to be my number one recommendation. Always and forever. Therapy has literally changed my life. And it will never be a bad idea to invest in yourself, understanding yourself, helping yourself. Like, how is that anything but good, right? But if you are someone who, for whatever reason, therapy just, it's not happening right now. I am going to do my best. I'm not a therapist, obviously, but I want to share some of this Knowledge that I have to maybe help some of you in. Like, what's the game plan? Okay, Your game plan to start trying to move from anxious to secure. Call her Daddy is brought to you by ritual. Let me tell you a little something. I love Summer. Oh, I love Summer so much. But when I tell you, I get so excited for my plans, and then I'm like, oh, my God. But then I'm going to eat, and then I'm going to be out, and then I'm going to. Oh, my God, am I going to have digestion issues? Am I going to get bloated? Am I going to have discomfort? All of it. We don't need to live like that, okay? Don't let your gut keep you from living your best life, ladies. With Rituals Symbiotic plus, you only need one capsule a day for simple, streamlined gut support. Symbiotic plus is a complete biotic formula with clinically studied pre, pro and postbiotics in clinically studied doses to support a balance gut microbiome. Probiotics are only able to stay in the gut for a few days or weeks at a time, so consistent use can help support the benefits we do not need. Guys, I'm telling you, I'm not. I'm not going to dinners anymore, and I'm not going to feel that way because of ritual. We need to take care of ourselves. So if this is your sign, if you're like, oh, Alex, you're so right. Summer's coming. I want to feel good. I want. You can. You literally can support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual Symbiotic Plus. Save 25 on your first month at ritual.com/call her daddy. That's ritual.com/call her daddy for 25% off your first month. Enjoy. Daddy gang. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Tinder. When you're into someone on Tinder, you start picking up on the little cues, like casually asking their birthday so you can look up their zodiac sign or hearing a song they love and thinking, okay, wait. This actually tells me a lot about you. That's why Tinder has astrology mode and music mode. It's an easy way to break the ice and start the conversation. Daddy gang. Explore all the possibilities for yourself. Tinder. It starts with a swipe. Download Tinder. Today must be 18 plus. Okay, that was the heavy heavy. Now let's lift it up. Now let's fix our problems. So, first and foremost, you have to start to try to recognize that anxious spark that sets all of this into Motion, it is a prerequisite. You, you won't be able to solve this unless you can start to identify these triggers. It is a must. So you basically have to accept that when you feel that overwhelming, obsessive, almost in moments like butterfly inducing spark with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you have to try to recognize that it is actually your nervous system screaming panic. Okay, I know this shouldn't be controversial, but somehow it is. Guys, real love. It feels calm, it feels safe, and honestly it could feel a little boring compared to what you have been used to in your past. So to break this cycle, you gotta recognize at the very jump when it's beginning, you can't fix what you don't notice. And so that may literally require you to start tracking your triggers. Like you need to be able to write down exactly what sets you off. Everyone's going to be different, right? So maybe for you it's when, it's when your partner takes four hours to reply. Or maybe your partner used to randomly always have like a flat tone with you in moments. You need to note what is the physical sensation in your body. Does your chest tighten? Does your throat close up? Like being able to be like, oh, this feeling kind of arises when this has always happened to me in relationships, naming that trigger, it basically strips away it just being in your subconscious and you actually now can have power over it before when you're like, I don't know why this happened and you keep going over and over and over and doing the same thing. Understandably, it's like how would you know, know how to fix something if you don't know what is actually causing it? So literally start writing down what did do it in the past and then be cognizant. Obviously if there's something directly in the moment that's happening, write it down. The next step though is when you feel a trigger coming on. This is seems simple, but it's I, I understand. It's actually way harder said than done. You basically need to force yourself to self soothe before you react. This is something we didn't get to clearly do when you were children. If you have this anxious attachment style, right? So you need to teach yourself how to do this. When your partner does not text you back and the spiral begins, the cycle is about to start. Do not text them. Put your phone in the other room, okay? Go do something physical. Maybe go on a run, take a hot shower, clean your room. Okay. You basically need to try to prove to your nervous system that you can survive 30 minutes without this person's validation or communication. Because again, when you're triggered, your. It's like your brain's panic button just takes over, right? Like I said earlier, it's like it starts to block that logical side of your brain. So there's no point to try to think or talk your way out of a spiral. Right? Your first job actually is purely physical. A trigger starts happening. You need to physically lean into your body. So again, everyone's going to be different. But you ultimately have to do something physical that signals to your brain because you're trying to connect your brain and your body that you are safe. I'm safe. This is an overreaction. This is a trigger, right? So it could be deep breathing. And I know that's like, okay, deep breathing. I'm not kidding, you guys. Deep breathing literally will help you again. If that doesn't work for you, you guys can look things up that work and try different things, but like splashing ice cold water on your face. I know, literally, my friend does this. A cold shower, maybe cold over hot. I don't know. Everyone's going to be different. Something's going to work for you, but you have to physically get in tune with your body. And then once you have done that, this is the. I think one of the most important steps is you need to basically separate fact from the story you are telling yourself. Okay. Once you finally are like, okay, my heart rate is dropping a little bit. I took that shower. You're gonna sit down and you have to look at the situation from all the research. Okay? Anxious brains are brilliant storytellers. Okay? They are top at Hollywood. Okay, baby, you could write the craziest story of all time. Okay? So what you need to do is reel it in and you need to say it or write it down, right? So focus on fact. What is the fact that they have not texted me back in three hours? Then write down. But the story I'm telling myself is they're losing interest. They regret dating me. I'm going to end up alone. They literally hate me. And so force yourself to write down the bare objective facts. And next to it, write the story. Then write down three alternative realistic explanations. Write down, okay, so that's the story I was telling myself. But also another story I could tell myself is they're in a meeting, Their phone is dead. They're focused on a task at work, right? And I know to some people this sounds like, I'm not gonna sit down and like, write in a journal. This doesn't have to last forever. Guys. I think what It. It. To actually get yourself out of these moments. You do, though, need to be so intentional about how you're breaking this cycle. And so sometimes it is going to literally take a pen and a paper, right? Because then once you do this and you can start to eliminate those protest behaviors I talked about earlier, right now you're not sending a crazy text in your mind and you're not spiraling and you're not doing all these things. Once you start to manage it, that's. That is where the magic happens, baby. Okay? You tell yourself, oh, I see the trigger. This is a classic trigger of mine. I slowed myself down. I went on a run. I did some deep breathing. I also separated fact from the story. Now I know, okay, just keep reading what the fact is, okay? And then tell myself a different story. And now I need to just stop acting on my anxiety when I'm about to go hit that. Hit them with that double text when I'm about to go play games, you know, make them feel guilty or if I'm about to withdraw to try to punish them. We're gonna do none of that. We're just gonna freeze. We are gonna sit. We're gonna lean into that discomfort of doing literally nothing. Because from what I have read and I've talked with my therapists and other people who are dealing with this, every time you survive a trigger without acting out, you prove to your brain that you are capable of keeping yourself safe. You did all of that on your own. You didn't need anyone else to do it for you. And that is a win and a win and a win and a win. Because think about it. The more then you get to that point, then maybe three months down the line, you don't need the pen and paper because you can be like, okay, wait. The fact is this. This is what I'm doing. Okay, great. Let me go on a. Done. Let me sit. I'm not going to do anything. I need to calm down. Like, you're going to start to innately shift your behaviors away from what has been really, really negatively impacting you, understandably, because you haven't been aware that you're even doing it. And once you get to that point, you guys, that is when you can try to start to, like, basically state your needs directly. No more games, okay? When you finally now talk to your partner, you can stop playing passive aggressive mind games. Instead of saying to your partner, wow, you know, must be nice to be so busy. Like, no, no, no. You're going to be able to say, hey, when I Don't hear from you for most of the day. I feel, I don't know, I feel a bit disconnected. And it makes me feel secure when we check in, even if it's just briefly. Daddy gang, let me tell you something. If they run away from that, then they're just not your person. That is not asking a lot. Right? Especially if your partner is aware that you have an anxious attachment style and you are working on it. What a beautiful thing to be able to be honest. What kind of triggers you and your partner meet you right there in the middle and be like, oh, that's totally fair compromise. We can totally check in during the. If that's going to then prevent this spiral at the end of the day. Got you. But I think practicing that like direct, clear communication, it is really key because it also, and this is where it gets hard, it does require vulnerability. Right. Instead of like lightly dropping hints or waiting for them to guess why you're upset, you have to practice basically expressing your needs directly and calmly. And also, this is just like a past. Like the attachment styles, big therapy talk. It's like whenever you also do this, use I statements always, I feel a bit anxious when we go all day without chatting. So do you think we could agree to just like quick little text during lunch and a secure partner will respond with empathy and a desire to help you? And now the. An entire new conversation would be an avoidant or a toxic partner will make you feel crazy for asking them for a simple little check in. Okay. And I think that kind of. That actually perfectly leads me to the last step, which is again, I would say one of the more important steps, which is, here's the reality, guys. You can do so much work on yourself, but a lot of this is also influenced and comes down to the partner you are choosing. Because there are inevitably going to be people out there that can push your trigger so far and you become the worst version of yourself. Right? Some people also, and I hate to admit this, but this is the world we live in. Some people are so messed up that they even recognize your triggers. And if they are unhealthy and toxic, they will use that to control you. And so you basically have to force yourself to go out with the boring guy who texts you back in 10 minutes and, and, you know, tells you his plans for the weekend. Because I'm telling you, you think it's boring. It's not boring. You just have to give your nervous system a chance to get used to peace instead of chaos. Call her, Daddy is brought to you By Revolve. I think it is so fun. Yes, I'm married, but even if I wasn't and I was still in my dating phase, I think going on dates, it is so fun to dress up. Okay. I remember when I was living in New York City, I'd be like, oh my God, I'm so excited to put an outfit together. I actually don't even really care about this guy. I just want to have a reason to put on a cute outfit. And I still feel that way with my husband now. 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I think a lot of times when you're thinking about qualities that you're looking for in a friend and weirdly sometimes you can also be looking for that in a business partner, right? Like, it's just kind of like looking for qualities in a human being that you respect, which is probably being trustworthy, reliable, supportive, positive to be around and in life. It's not always easy to find someone with the qualities you look for. But if you are hiring, it's super easy because there's Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter works quickly to connect your open roles to top talent so you can meet its perfect match. And right now you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com Daddy ZipRecruiter Smart matching technology immediately finds qualified candidates that check all your boxes. ZipRecruiter recommends screening questions you can easily add to get the highest quality applicants. Want to see who's recently active? ZipRecruiter's filters can show you that. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2. So Daddy Gang, find candidates who have exactly what you're looking for. When you use ZipRecruiter or four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And now you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com daddy that's ziprecruiter.com daddy meet your match on ZipRecruiter. And I think it's so important for especially women listening like, you don't have to beg for crumbs of affection. You do not have to twist yourself into this crazy pretzel to be loved by someone. If someone makes you feel like you're too much, it is highly likely that they are simply not capable of offering you what you need. Again, if you have this attachment, you do need to work on it. But anything in life choosing a partner is I don't know any people who came together and they're like, we were perfect when we met each other. It worked so perfectly. Like, each person is going to bring their quote unquote baggage and each person then is going to need to make a concerted effort to make sure that, okay, I see what you're struggling with and I'm willing to go the distance to try to help you with it. Again, if someone is not willing to work on themselves, then I agree. Maybe that person isn't going to be right for you at the time because it's not fair to them to put them through you being blindfold and be like, I'm not fixing my anxious attachment. If I call you every 15 times a day, you better answer. It's like, that's not fair to that person. But if you're making an effort and they are not willing to make an effort, then they're not the right one for you. You are so worthy of a love that feels warm and safe and not like a panic attack. What a concept. Okay, I hope that this anxious attachment breakdown could be helpful. I am so aware, again, that this is not a one and done solution, but it will hopefully just help someone to recognize like it can get better and in a beautiful way, like, you are in control of yourself. You weren't in control of your childhood. What happened to you in your childhood was out of your control, but now you're in control. And again, yes, you have to do the inner work on yourself. But the annoying part, but the reality is like, you cannot heal attachment trauma entirely in isolation. I know a lot of us wish we could. We as human beings Heal in relation to others. That's just a fact. And so one of the fastest ways to just build earned security is to date a secure person. Their consistent, predictable, calm responses will slowly teach your nervous system that it is safe to let your guard down. Because let me just tell you, okay, the absolute worst, most emotionally exhausting pairing for an anxious attachment style is to be with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. In psychology, that matchup is so notoriously toxic and it's literally, guys, it's so common. This duo is walking around. It has its own name. It is called the anxious avoidant trap. And to no surprise, it is so annoying to say that those styles are so extremely drawn to each other. In the beginning, they are, oh, it is like, boom, you're immediately attracted. But then once they get close, they trigger each other's deepest psychological wounds in a very, very painful, self reinforcing loop. That is just exhausting. And so I recognize a lot of you are like, okay, it's not that easy to just like stumble out of my apartment, Big Al, and just find a secure attached man or find a secure attached woman. I so, so, so get that. And that's why I do think, like, as much as maybe this episode today is relating to you, because this is your attachment style, I do think that it's important to be educated on all the attachment st styles so that you can be aware, oh, I think I'm dating someone with this. And I have this like, we're gonna, we're gonna have friction because my attachment style doesn't jive with his. It's like a way more intense psychological version of when people are like, what's your love language? I'm like, a love language. First, you need to actually know your attachment style. And what is your partner's attachment style? Let's see if we can even tango together in that capacity because then, like acts of service, we'll get there. Okay, but what is your attachment style? And so having just spoken to everyone about anxious attachment style and how influenced you can be by the avoidant attachment styles. I think that next Sunday session, I am going to dive very deep into avoidant attachment styles. And basically similar today, we can just fully dissect and discuss what is avoidant attachment and how does it show up in your everyday life or how does it impact your life if you are someone who is, is dating an avoidant? Because when I posted on my social media asking you guys for the people who were aware of attachment styles, they were like, hey, Al, could you help me just Understand, like, will an avoidant ever settle down? Will they ever not, you know, be so comfortable to just ghost or disappear? Like, what do I do as a partner to an avoidant? There were a lot of people simultaneously saying, I'm an avoidant and it's ruined a lot of my relationships. And I don't know how to break this cycle. And so have no fear. Big Al is here. I hope this was helpful. I recognize that there's also so many more dynamics that, like, I could have been hitting of again, like, if you're dating and an anxious person and how do you handle that? But I do think baseline we covered a good amount for anxious attachment style. Obviously, you guys write any questions into me that you want me to answer. And yeah, I hope that this started, obviously, as a little bit of a wake up call of like, okay, I've got a lock in. This is pertaining to me. But I really do hope, and I always hope with my Sunday sessions that, like, yes, sometimes we're talking about topics that can be uncomfortable and hard to acknowledge. But at the end of the day, facing the hard stuff in life is what's actually going to make your life easier. And as painful as it is in the moment, to be like, oh, my God, this is what's causing me so much pain. How much relief you get when you can start to identify these patterns and you can start to actually adjust for yourself. Because that's like, my whole thing this year is like, why are we giving people all of the autonomy and ability to impact us? Like, life is just so much better once you start to be like, like, it's my life. I have to live with myself. I have to handle this. And so, yeah, f my parents for messing me up back then, or f these people who did this to me and da, da, da, da. But like, if I keep just complaining about what they did to me, I'm going to sit in this pain for the rest of my life in order to heal. We can't wait for other people to heal us. We can't wait for apologies. We can't wait for any of that. We literally just have to be like, you know what? I'm gonna do it myself. And then it's even more gratifying when you actually do it yourself and you start healing on your own and you're like, oh, my God, I didn't need anyone. Because then it completely relinquishes control that anyone else had over your life. And then you actually get to start choosing things that you know you're doing in a clear headed space. You're not picking a partner because they fill this void that you've had since childhood. And you're not just putting up with something because you think that you can't do better. You're gonna get so much clarity when you work on yourself. And it's a lot of work and it can be really painful. And it's like the classic, it's gonna get worse before it gets better, but at least you know it's gonna get better. If you just basically black out and just say, I'm, I don't want to open that can of worms, then you're just, you're stagnant, you're not growing. One day you probably will wake up and want relief and it's like, God, you could have started earlier and you could have been living with happiness sooner. So I hope this was maybe helpful to anyone and I love you guys, obviously. And next Sunday session. Yes. We'll be on more attachment styles and you guys know the drill. I will see you on Wednesday for a main episode. Goodbye. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Kotex. We can literally start our car from our phones, but we're still settling for crunchy, uncomfortable pads. 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