Hannah Berner: How to Scare Men (FBF)

Summary

Call Her Daddy: "Hannah Berner: How to Scare Men (FBF)"

Podcast Host: Alex Cooper
Guest: Hannah Berner
Release Date: November 14, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this throwback episode, Alex Cooper welcomes comedian and podcast host Hannah Berner back to Call Her Daddy for a hilarious, unfiltered, and sometimes scandalous conversation. True to the show’s signature mix of locker-room honesty and empowering girl talk, Alex and Hannah dissect sex, relationships, awkward college rituals, and the power moves women learn in — and out — of the bedroom. The pair reminisce about their own cringe moments, explore why women shouldn’t be afraid to “scare” men away, and celebrate Hannah’s journey from reality TV star to Netflix stand-up sensation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Jorts and Their Significance

[02:50 – 03:18]

• Hannah arrives in jorts (jean shorts), which Alex claims completely shifts the energy:
  • "To be fair, do you guys have video on this pod?" (Hannah, 03:31)
  • Discussion of body insecurities—long torso, short legs, and what it means when friends point out your "banana roll" (Alex's term for a small roll of fat under the butt cheek).

2. Embracing Insecurities and Body Acceptance

[03:38 – 04:44]

• Both talk candidly about learning of their supposed "flaws" in college and how those things, as Alex puts it, "are girl-on-girl crime."
  • "No man has ever been like, whoa, I’m not fucking that girl, she got that banana roll thing." (Hannah, 04:35)
• Message: Other women often point out insecurities that men don’t even notice.

3. On Tour: The Boston Show & Performance Anxiety

[05:00 – 06:58]

• Hannah recounts performing with Alex at Call Her Daddy's kickoff live show in Boston, including how loud the crowd was and the comic miscommunication on stage.
  • "I need to start monologuing…We were fighting for our life in the best way." (Hannah, 06:40)
• The highs and fears of live performance.

4. Notable “Call Her Daddy” Memories

[10:16 – 12:03]

• Hannah lists her viral mascot sex story as a top memory:
  • "My type is professional athletes and you were like the closest thing I’ve ever come to fucking an athlete is the mascot of the college team.” (Hannah, 10:51)
• The tale of “Bucky Badger,” heartbreak, and how even the most unexpected guys can surprise you.

5. Drinking & Blackouts: Hannah’s Reality TV Revelations

[14:07 – 16:58]

• Hannah confesses she’s "never been a good drinker."
  • Blacking out on reality TV, jumping into pools to avoid being mic’d, and breaking a microphone during a drunken cannonball.
  • "Apparently, they're, like, really expensive, and the mic person, like, it’s their own mics." (16:55)

6. “Whiskey Dick” and Sex Realness

[17:19 – 18:46]

• “Al dente dick” is introduced as the Italian term for a hard-but-not-hard penis.
  • Both discuss unsatisfying, awkward, and sometimes painful sex, and the prevalence of bad experiences, especially in their twenties.
  • "Sex is not good a lot of the time. And I love talking to you about it… you have had to have some of the most horrible experiences in bed to get there too." (Hannah, 19:24)

7. The “Come for Me” Sex Move Reality

[31:43 – 33:13]

• Viral TikTok moment: When women say "I want you to come," it means the sex is over for them.
  • "We're speeding up the process. Okay? We have to do. I have emails. Mom has to work." (Alex, 32:35)
• Parody of dirty talk as a sign of impatience, not passion.

8. Beauty Evolution: From Over-Tanned to Subtle

[34:12 – 36:20]

• Alex discusses her shift in beauty standards, pulling back from heavy makeup, over-tanning, and dramatic features.
  • Admits to using early Photoshop to alter Call Her Daddy poster photos with "PickMonkey" before Facetune existed.

9. Mascot Sexcapades to Stealing GoPros

[39:42 – 48:22]

• Both swap stories of stealing items from hookups' apartments (from AirPods to a GoPro) as petty revenge or because of drunken misadventures.
  • “If a man has a GoPro, that is the biggest ick.” (Hannah, 47:44)
  • The ultimate power move: Steal their TV remote.

10. Mother-Daughter Dynamics and Breakups

[55:41 – 56:58]

• Hannah credits her mother’s advice for helping her leave unhealthy relationships.
  • "If my mom doesn’t want to fuck him, I don’t want to be with him." (Hannah, 57:30)

11. Double Standards and Why Women Should Scare Men

[59:51 – 60:34]

• Getting labeled "psycho" for behaviors men do without question, and how men rarely offer the fulfilling friendship women need.
  • "A man who's hot with no personality is not your friend and never will be." (Hannah, 60:07)

12. Hannah’s Netflix Special & Comedy Philosophy

[61:26 – 69:03]

• Hannah’s journey from reality TV to stand-up—using comedy to take control of her narrative.
  • Importance of female friendship circles at comedy shows and disrupting male-dominated spaces.
  • “I have this conspiracy theory that, like, women are made for stand up. We’re gossipers. We complain. We overanalyze. Like, that is what stand up is.” (Hannah, 68:47)

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• On body image and relatability:
  “Who the fuck told you [about your long torso]?” – Alex, [03:48]
  “It was definitely one of my good friends… and then my whole world shifted.” – Hannah, [03:58]

• On overcoming performance fear:
  “If I fail, if I freeze, if I fuck up, this person can just, like, take the thing and run with it.” – Alex, [05:13]

• On the ‘al dente’ penis:
  “As an Italian, we call it al dente dick, and I…that needs to be normalized.” – Hannah, [17:19]

• On the infamous “come for me” moment:
  "Can you come right now? She’s done…she’s already thinking about what she has to do that night." — Hannah, [32:10]

• On mother’s advice and breakups:
  “If my mom doesn’t want to fuck him, I don’t want to be with him.” — Hannah, [57:30]

• On disrupting male comedy spaces:
  “I just like disrupting male spaces and making men upset. And I think we ride at dawn.” – Hannah, [68:50]

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Segment Timestamps

• Reunion & Jorts: [02:18–03:23]
• Body Insecurity Stories: [03:38–04:44]
• Mascot Hookup Recap: [10:16–12:03]
• Drinking & Reality TV: [14:07–16:58]
• Bad Sex Confessions: [17:09–19:46]
• Sexual Tactics & TikTok: [31:43–33:13]
• Beauty Evolution: [34:12–36:20]
• GoPro Theft Story: [47:02–48:22]
• Dealing with Exes & Mother’s Advice: [55:41–58:03]
• Comedy and Netflix Special: [61:26–69:03]
• Final Reflections and Closing Banter: [69:03–70:30]

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Takeaways

• Normalize “scaring” men: Being authentic, setting boundaries, and refusing to perform or dim yourself to keep a man’s attention is not only acceptable—it's necessary.
• Everyone has awkward, bad, or even painful sex stories—let’s share, laugh, and grow from them.
• There’s power in close female friendships, the wisdom of mothers, and "healing" through not caring about exes.
• Women belong in stand-up comedy and all male-dominated spaces.
• Celebrate your journey and don’t rush perfection—Hannah’s success is a product of patience and self-trust.

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Final Quote:
“I just like disrupting male spaces and making men upset. And I think we ride at dawn.” — Hannah Berner [68:50]

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For fans of real talk, relentless humor, and honest conversations about sex and self-worth, this is an episode not to miss.

Transcript

[Alex Cooper]

Hi Daddy Gang, it is your father. I am so excited that Caller Daddy has officially joined the Sirius XM family. I cannot wait to talk to new guests and continue to share my crazy personal stories and experiences with you every single week. If you want to hear new episodes ad free, subscribe to Sirius XM podcasts plus on Apple Podcasts or visit siriusxm.com podcastsplus to start your free trial today. BETMGM has exciting ways for you to bet on pro football and new customers can sign up for BETMGM using bonus code CHD to unlock their welcome offer and score up to $1500 back in bonus bets if they don't win their first bet. Daddy Gang, get involved this football season.

[Hannah Burner]

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[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

What is up Daddy gang?

[Alex Cooper]

It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy.

[Hannah Burner]

Hannah Burner welcome back to Call Her Daddy.

This is incredible because you did not have to have me back? No, bitch, you did not have to know.

I was just thinking about this. I think you, Laure and Harry are like, the most reoccurring guests I've ever had on Caller Daddy. I've never had.

That was my only goal in life, I know, was to be a regular on Caller Daddy. And I was like, but this, I do have to say, it feels like a family reunion.

Whenever I come on, I know everybody that's not watching. So Hannah texted me and she told me that she wanted to give me a heads up that she would be wearing jorts out of respect. Out of respect. To which I said, thank you because that does shift the energy completely. I'm going to be honest, when I think of jorts for women, I think of jorts that are just, like, kind of the color of, like, my jeans.

Like, what's like Stacy wearing, like, hot. Yeah. Cute shorts. Yes. Yeah, we didn't go that direction.

You walked in. I said, these look more like floods where, like, your pants are literally just, like, too short for you.

I look like I stole a kid's pants and put them on.

But, you know, I'm going to have to get a video of you because to be fair, do you guys have.

Video on this pod?

Fuck you. This is the camera. I love how I, like, thought for five seconds you're being serious. I was like, yeah, we look into the camera.

Well, also, this is the thing about me that I learned in college. I have a long torso and nubby legs. I didn't know that. I didn't know I had short legs until someone told me. And then my whole world shifted.

Who the fuck told you?

Someone who had. Who was jealous of my long torso because it goes on forever. And I've learned to embrace it all.

At Britney Spears, was it a woman or a man?

It was definitely, like, one of my good friends who was like, well, Hannah has a long torso. And I go, has everyone been talking about my torso for years and no one told me?

That's, like, when I was in college and the girl told me that everyone was talking about my banana roll under my butt. Do you know what a banana roll is, Hannah?

No. And I don't want to know because now I'm gonna be paranoid about what a banana roll is. It sounds cute.

No, I only have one cheek. It's just like a little extra fat under the lip of your butt cheek. And they would talk about how I have a banana roll. So then, of course, in my most insecure days, when I got To New York City.

[Alex Cooper]

I remember I went to a surgeon.

[Hannah Burner]

And asked, is there a way to remove this little chubba?

You go during a dark time, During.

A really dark time. I went to this woman and I asked her, can you slice it off? And she was like, sweetie, it is not a big deal.

A banana roll is one of those things that is girl on girl crime. No man has ever been like, whoa, I'm not fudgeing that girl. She got that banana roll thing.

Thank you, Hannah. Because you know what more to love? A little extra. It's just like a labia. An extra big labia.

Yeah, yeah. Make that labia club. Make that Libya clap.

The last time I saw you was on tour. My tour. And I remember when I was sitting down, creating my guest list, and Boston was the opening, I was like, first of all, I was just shitting my pants, and I was even doing a live tour, and I was like, who? I need someone I'm gonna feel so comfortable with that will, like, lights out, kill it. So if I fail, if I freeze, if I fuck up, this person can just, like, take the thing and run with it.

I also feel like you knew that I would never be judgy. Like, if we failed, we failed together. And we would make fun of ourselves.

If I was cringe, you would be like, you did. You did good. We can work. Like, you would be honest with me, but you wouldn't make me feel bad. You would just be like, I've got you. I'll come to the next fucking show.

I felt like a teammate. I feel like I got called up to the majors just to, like, vibe for a sec.

So Hannah comes on tour with me, we open in Boston, and I will never forget you walk out. Actually, you didn't walk out. Hannah starts doing the worm. And although I think you, like, did you do the worm or did you chest bump the ground and bounce back up?

It was. Okay, that's. That was an attack. Okay, that was an attack. I risked my life for you. I risked my whole body. My lower back was fudgeing, killing me from the fight. Anyway, we'll talk about that later. But then it's so loud from the cheering we can't hear is what we.

Need to get into, because. No, this is. Okay. So when you think of standing on a stage in front of thousands and thousands of people, you're already like, ooh, I'm getting anxious. I'm going to shit my pants. Literally. You guys, I could not hear a word that Hannah was saying here.

What I was saying either.

So picture this. I'm asking Hannah something about, like, dating. Yeah. And all I remember is you start speaking, and I read your lips and you say bondage. And I am literally like, where the fuck is she going with this? And then the crowd is laughing, but I have no idea what you're saying. So I start fake laughing.

I'm like, so you were, like, laughing at parts that, like, weren't really the right part. So I could. And you had, like, a little fear in your eyes. And I was. I just go. I'm like, I need to start monologuing because we're not going back and forth here. So I would monologue and then, like, give it to you. But, like, we were fighting for our life in the best way. Like, the high was incredible, though.

It was insane.

It was good energy.

It was perfect. And now you're here and you have a fudgeing Netflix special.

Like, it's crazy.

We're going to talk about the Netflix special a little bit later because I want to go through it all. But first, we're just going to have a good combo because I just want to get silly with you. And I have so many things I'm thinking about for, like, the summer girlies that are listening. I think we have a lot to talk about.

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[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

I want to get the groceries, I want to cook.

[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

It is a little literally so warm.

[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

Because maybe if someone hasn't listened to our previous episodes, could you just share from your recollection? It's okay if you don't remember. Like, what are some of your, like, best caller daddy moments?

I have to say, first time, you know, I'm gonna say sleeping with the mascot. I didn't expect to go as viral as it did.

I didn't either.

Shout out Bucky Badger, you little animal in the bedroom. Like, I go to Wisconsin and girls will be like, I fucked Bucky too.

Like, it's become a yeah, Hannah fucked the mascot. If you're reading contextual clues, she fucked the mascot. But it was me, like, flexing for a minute. Be like, yeah, like, my type is professional athletes and you were like the closest thing I've ever come to fucking an athlete is the motherfucking mascot of the college team.

The funniest thing thing, though, is that before him, I was with the, like, six, eight, studly football guy that I thought everyone wanted, but he, like, wanted me to go to Bible study. He has cte, so I don't know how he read a Bible. And he was just, like, so not my type, but I thought I should like him. And then instead, I. I liked Bucky. But the funniest thing about Bucky, which I don't know if I even fully explained, was that, like, he rejected me in the end. Like, he was one of those, like, guys who. You're like, oh, I'm doing, like, a. Make a wish, right? And then he hurts you more than anyone. I. This was what the, like, one of my most embarrassing moments was. I got drunk. Okay? I remember I was going there for the summer, and I was so excited to see him. Like, you know when you're playing music just, like, dreaming of all the moments you guys are going to have together. I was like, I have a friend this summer. I have a boyfriend. And I got drunk, and I went up to him at the kk, the bar where he was the manager. I know he was the mascot. And. No, I know he was like, double life.

But, like, Anna Montana, no jaw.

Anyway, so no jaw. Yeah. So I was like, this is gonna be easy. Like, we can do this. Shout out. He DMS me sometimes. I love you. I'm not lying.

You know that you're saying.

It's like, just. Let's just say he wasn't studly, but he was funny and nice. And I was like, hannah, this is what you need. And then I go up to him now, this was very specific for the time. I go, we don't have to be Facebook official, but, like, you can date me. Don't hear from him for two weeks, Anna. To the point where, like, I'd go out and, like, you know when you can't enjoy the conversation with your friends because you're just, like, this literal mole rat of a man who's running around, like, skipping as a mascot is not responding to me. Dude, those things make you grow. And me and him laugh about it now. And he's like, honestly, I was young. I was scared. Whatever.

He really regrets it to this day. What is Bucky up to now?

Sorry, Bucky looking now, like, your early 20s? It's so chaotic. And I feel like the girls are trying to establish, like, a nice connection with a guy. Guys are trying to, like, show off for their Friends. We want two different things. How did any relationship ever work out in your 20s?

It's impossible. It's literally impossible. I'm sorry. I just have, like, a visual of you. Like, what sport was he the mascot for again?

All the sports.

Oh, Jesus. Like, horror. What? How did he have the time?

He's friends with the hockey guys.

Okay, so I'm picturing you showing up to one of the games that he's got his full, like, mascot duty on. And are you, like, walking past the mascot? Like, do you know what I mean? When you're, like, trying to make eye contact with the guys.

Eight guys who are mascots, and you don't know who's the mascot that day. So you'd see him rather than a dick? No, literally, I'd give him a little tab. I'd be like, oh, wrong buggy. Sorry, Hannah. So I would just hope you know it was him. And I would look at him and his beady little eyes, and then he's.

Like, fuck off, bitch. Oh, sorry. You're not him. Sorry. You're like, can you quickly show me your chin? Nope, not you.

Also, I don't want to slut shame myself, but you know how you block stuff out. I actually made out with another Bucky, so I hope he's not jealous if.

He'S listening through and through. She's always been a mascot lover.

I ran through the mascots. Ran at least a light jog, I would say.

Let's talk about drinking.

Yes.

What are you doing this summer? Are you raging? Are you keeping it chill? Are you sleeping in your bed, like, and getting in bed at 7? Like, what's our vibe?

Question? So I actually have never been a good drinker.

[Alex Cooper]

Oh.

[Hannah Burner]

Like, I in college wanted to be a good drinker. Like, I would. We'd be pregaming. And I'm like, okay, let's get fucked up. And I would. I was always the younger one of the, like, tennis teams, and I just remember getting pulled to the side by, like, one of the girls and being like, hey, can I talk to you for a second? You're at a 12. Everyone else is at a 4. We need you to calm down. So then I would be like, oh, I thought we were. I thought we were getting drunk.

[Alex Cooper]

Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

And then I would, like, start getting tired. And then at one point the night, I'd be at a four, and everyone else is blackout. And then I get sleepy. So I'm, like, the worst. I'm just not a fun drinker.

Like, are you? If I took you to Dinner tonight, would you be, like, doing two cocktails and. No. Are you not even having a cocktail?

The thing is, I don't need a cocktail ever. I'm an eater. But, like, if there's a celebration, I'll do one. If someone's peer pressuring me, like, well, I'll do it. Like, I respect the effort of a good peer pressure. I do have to say, after reality TV and I stopped getting paid to drink. Oh, I stopped drinking. I basically was like, there are so many days that the cameras go up, and they're like, okay, we're having a theme party. And you're like, oh, my God. And I don't like theme parties. And I don't like partying either. I hate a theme party. I hate a group of people that I don't know and you. Like, the last time I blacked out was on reality tv. But if you black out, you have to. During the parties, the only way you can get your mic off is if you jump in the pool. So if I'm ever in the pool, that means I'm blackout floating around, just, like, farting in the pool, just hoping that they don't ask me to have a conversation because they'll be like, hannah, come up and, like, fight with this person. I'll be like, I'm in the pool. I can't get out.

Hannah.

Oh. So I got in big trouble once.

Why?

So the first thing they say, they're like, the only rules are, like, if you're gonna go in the pool, take off your mic. That's the only rule. And they treat us like we're kindergartners at a summer camp. They'll be like, I'll be talking to someone like, oh, they want to go in the pool. And they'll be like, hannah, if you want to go to the pool, let us know first so we can take off your mic.

Oh, my God.

Are you gonna go in the pool? And I'm like, I don't want. I'm hungry. I'm going salami. So, like, they're just dealing with, like, toddlers. So then at one point, I decided to do, like, a sprinting cannonball, because I love attention. And I was like, guys, watch this. I start running. I do a cannonball. I land. I get up. Everyone's looking at me like, I just drowned their baby.

[Alex Cooper]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

Everyone's like. And I'm standing there, and I'm like, was it bad? Was it bad? The mic guy, audio guy, starts running, knees up, like, Olympic sprinting towards me, hops in the pool and, like, yanks me out and. And he, like, takes it off me and, like, huff, huff. Puffs, leaves. And they're like, okay, he's really mad at you. And he.

I'm sorry. It's a mic.

Apparently, they're, like, really expensive, and the mic person, like, it's their own mics.

Oh, so. You little piece of.

So he was, like, this dumb drunk, and I remember, like, seeing him the next day and being like, I'm sorry. I was a little bit drunk. And we laugh about it now, but, like, I was never more scared in my life.

Whiskey dick. I haven't had, like. Well, I guess I'm trying to think back to, like, college. I feel like was, like, whiskey dick central. Have you have ever had, like, a weird experience with whiskey?

So as an Italian, we call it al dente dick, and I. That needs to be normalized. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

It's, like, a little hard.

It's a little hard, but you're not. It's not good. Okay. You're not gonna give it five stars on Yelp.

I actually hate al dente. Is that, like, criminal to the Italian people?

Up the pasta and just go, it's al dente. And I'm like, no, it's stale. Same thing. Or just, like, the macaroni that, like, you put in the microwave. That's, like, guy's dick sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The smushing of a guy's dick into your vagina. People don't talk about it enough because then how does it also feel? So not good when it's so innocent.

But just feels like when I used to be fucked up in college. And I would, like, see that he clearly had whiskey dick. And he's like, no, I got this. I got this. I got this. And he's doing the whole thing there. Even if I had literally taken a bottle of tequila to the head, there is nothing that sobers me up faster than being like, oh, just put it. What the fuck are you doing? And then all of a sudden, I'm completely sober, and I see his little weenie dried up. It's just. I think, let's give the daddy gang the next time that Willie takes your pants off and little Willie is al dente, as Anna likes to say, and you want him to have a little cream sauce coming out.

Stakes are like cats sometimes, where it's like, if you want it to get to come to you, like, they won't come. You know, like, you know, it gets so mental. Like, you're playing all these games. You have to, like, not look at it and pretend you don't want it. And you know when he.

You know what I'm saying? Because he'll be like, like, don't.

Like, don't look at me right now. Like, it's happening. And you're like, are you ready?

Don't.

Don't ask about, like. So you have to, like, look away and, like, don't be intimidating and don't put pressure on him. It's like a whole thing.

If people would wear a shirt that said dicks, you would need merch that say dicks are like cats, or cats are like disc. What the fuck, Hannah?

[Alex Cooper]

I guess you're kind of right.

[Hannah Burner]

We have to normalize that. Sex is not good a lot of the time. And I love talking to you about it because I feel like, like, you've shown women that they can have the sex they want to have. But I also know just from numbers, just from girl math, you with all those good experiences, you have had to have some of the most horrible experiences in bed to get there too.

[Alex Cooper]

Hannah.

[Hannah Burner]

It's almost like if you had to count the bad, I would be able to count the good orgasms I've had on my hand over the bad. Like, every experience. I guess I would consider up until the age maybe, of. Until I met Matt and maybe a couple stragglers. Bad. Bad.

And that is iconic for everyone. Take notes on what you just said.

No, and I. You know, it's interesting. I was doing an episode the other day, and I was saying how, like, Matt and I go through periods of, like, oh, we haven't had sex in a week. Like, we. And I was like, oh, my God. I bet people are gonna be, like, freaked out to hear that for me, because I'm just being honest. Like, we get so fucking busy, and even if we're in the same house, we're not traveling. We're in the same house. We're so fucking busy. The reality is we go through these lulls where we're like, fuck.

People get too busy to break up. It's very easy to be too busy to have sex. You know that couple that. They're like, he has a meeting tomorrow. And then like, I'm going to Italy. Just don't. And then his mom is visit. I just can't. And then it's his birthday.

And, you know, I. I know what you mean. Oh, my God. I've done this with my brother so many times. Where was like, well, I can't break up with her here. And then I can't break up here because I already invited her. I'm like, what the.

He's like, I don't want to do it over the phone. And then, like, she's coming. But, like, right. Oh, my God.

I didn't even think about that. People have plans that they're going to break up, and then they just never do.

It gets in the way.

So sex gets not, like, put on the back burner. And you're so right. The amount of times that it has.

[Alex Cooper]

Hurt that I have not had an.

[Hannah Burner]

Orgasm and I faked it. The amount of times that they thought they were going to make me squirt, and I was really just bleeding.

Wait, that hits me late.

You're like. And then you literally are just like, blood. Like, you literally just high logrifix. Inside of my.

So traumatized. In college, one of my friends who was older was, like, sitting on the floor outside the bathroom and just in college, and I went upstairs, I was like, are you okay? And she's like, just never do anal. And I was like, why? And she's like, I've been leaking for five hours. And to that day, I've been scared. Like, but that's girlhood.

That is like the scene from the ring.

Like, the girl just being like, her head was down.

She was doing anal.

She's like, I can't move. My body's leaking. I'm like, what's coming out? She's like, have you ever done anal? Okay. I attempted it once in the shower, which is.

Wait, I don't know.

Don't do sex in the shower, period.

Water is not lube.

Water is not lube. It will be bloody. My friend told me, like, it is so fucked up.

You tried anal in the shower?

Because I guess I was thinking, like, oh, my. My butt's clean. And whatever. It was so painful. I also want to talk about.

Okay.

There's so many sex things that you try to do that you don't. Like, everyone lost half their virginity, right?

Absolutely.

People don't talk about the half virginity when people.

Because it's the movies. Like, he took my flower. No. He literally grazed my lip. And then I was in pain for.

Like, a tiny bit comes out. And then you're like, like, am I not virgin anymore? And then he tries to push it in more, and you're like, no. And then you're like, I do, like, a whole bit about losing your virginity. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to normalize all the experiences girls have and doing these Shows in front of thousands of girls and them laughing tells me, oh, we all, like, lost our virginity. And then he was like, did you come? And you're like, unless the blood everywhere was come, I don't know what just happened. And I don't want to do that again. Thank you. And then he's like, always accidentally hits your butthole during doggy. And you're like, what is going. And your butthole is like. Has the reflexes of a ninja. And will be like, like, it is. There's so much stuff. And I do have to say for all the younger girls, like, my cousin was like, going off to college and I was just like. I just wanted to hold her because everyone has bad experiences. I mean, it's so hard. I remember once there was this guy who was like, so hot. Because that's the problem. The hot ones does not mean the rest of it is going to be.

If anything is worse.

If anything, it's worse because girls have not taught them. They're untrained. I remember he was, like, trying to touch me and it just wasn't good. And I didn't like his vibe. And he, like, I could. I could smell cigarette on his breath. And I just remember be like, oh, I can't deal with cigarettes. And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, oh, I just. I don't like cigarettes. And I just, like, kept running and he kept chasing me around. I'm like, the cigarette thing, I don't like it.

But, you know, that's just like turning him on more that you're being like.

Now I'm going to throw astrology at them. Just be like, it's giving. I'm a Libra. You don't get it. It's just. It's a Libra thing. Like, I'm an. I'm a Libra, but just say it. Like, I literally have a bit about that. I didn't put in the special where I'm like, guys hate cats in astrology. So just look at him and be like, my cat's name is Clyde and his rising moon's Aquarius. He'll be like, okay, never mind. Thank you. Check, please. Weaponize astrology to get him away from you.

Weaponize astrology. Matt.

Rife that shit.

No.

Do it. Use our knowledge of what they're afraid of. We're afraid of getting murdered. They're afraid of astrology. Use your weapon. We ride it on.

Go watch on Netflix now, Mother. How much does that say about our world? We're afraid of Getting murdered and men are afraid of astrology. I'm gonna go. My life.

She said she's a Leo. Like, I don't trust her. I'm like, I don't trust him because for many.

I'm obsessed with you. I missed you so much.

No, I love you.

These are like the comments.

All I want to do is make you laugh.

No, I'm. I. My face is hurting.

[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

Order now.

[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

Wait a second, Daddy gang, I'm here.

[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

Quick question. What do you think about retired athletes? You're like, put them behind the bar.

Put them behind the bars, or just take them out to a field and end it all. Honestly, it is. I think they.

At our age, we're dealing with them now.

[Alex Cooper]

Hannah.

[Hannah Burner]

I hate to say it. I actually think they could be more toxic than the ones in the league.

Yeah. But. Oh, please, extrapolate.

So get my diagram out for me, please. I'm like, I have a fucking whole PowerPoint pulled out. Like, a laser projector just goes down. So here's the thing. Although they don't have, like, that fight in them technically as much anymore in terms of, like, they're on the road. They've got the road beef. Like, they're like, ooh, my Kansas road beef beef. They now have, like, less to lose, where, like, a lot of guys, although they're protected sometimes, like, ooh, but when I get in trouble, then I can't play tomorrow.

Yeah.

I feel like the retired athletes are now just in this, like, sedated state of just, like, entitlement but no purpose. And so they can hone in on you and just be like, you're my purpose. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. Get away from me. And they become psychotic. I lived across from one. I can't even start. No, I can't tell the story because he's literally the most ill person on the Internet. And he basically was the most psycho person I've ever met in my life. And I was like this. I'll tell you after. But it was one of the scariest moments. However, athletes are scary too, because you know what? I'm in New York City. This is actually not that long ago. It was, like, towards the end of my New York days, and I am hooking up with this hockey player. It's one night. I. We had followed each other on social media. We met in college a couple times. I had maybe sucked his penis once. That was kind of it. Just a cow, an appetizer, a Palate. No, this was not a pallet cleanser. This dick is so scary and large and curved.

No, I hate that. So I like the curve.

The curve was fine for a blow job, but it went. It's either left or right. I can't remember. Okay, so I'm in New York City. I run into him at a club. Immediately, I'm like, he's one of the hottest people in the NHL. I'm like, you're so hot. Let's do this. But I'm convinced he has a girlfriend. I'm like, wait, isn't your Instagram, like, full of this, like, girl that is, like, your girlfriend? And he spends the entire night convincing me that they're not together. And I'm like, but, like, what? Like, why? Like, I just know athletes.

That's when athletes are good at sales. They go into sales after they all become so true.

He. I'm like, but any.

[Alex Cooper]

Also, I'm not an idiot.

[Hannah Burner]

I've dated athletes before. Any athlete, the minute you're done with someone, you delete all the pictures. You don't need to prove that you have a hot on your arm. Like, you're not a loser. Like, you're good. So I get super drunk, and then I'm like, you know what? He's so hot, I'm gonna. Oh, I can't even say it out loud. I'm gonna trust him.

Ew.

Disgusting.

Alex.

We go back to his place, we start hiking. Just. Let's do it. I'm sure she's not your girlfriend anymore. I choose to believe this man. After, like, three hours, we go back and his curved penis comes out, and we start having sex. And a blowjob was one thing, because his mouth can do great things. This curved penis is so large, Hannah. I start bleeding. I am in so much pain, and I just kind of stop it.

[Alex Cooper]

I leave.

[Hannah Burner]

Two months later, he's engaged.

How the fuck did this man explain. Blood on? Because it was either a murder or a girl got her period.

Okay. You know?

No.

You want to know what's even worse? As I'm deciding to leave, his drunken friend comes in to tell him that he has to be up for a brand deal. The next morning, and the lights are all on as I'm getting my clothes together. Murder scene. Hannah. I thought it was a little bit of blood.

Blood.

His sheets are just red everywhere. And now this man is married to this woman. So praying for you.

Praying for her.

Like, it's just sad. Like they're little pieces of shit.

Yes, I did you there's this thing going around on Tick tock. Oh, I want to give the guy credit. This guy basically said that he realized and he's like, I gotta tell all the guys this because we didn't know. Do you know when girls say, I want you to come, it means they want. Want you to stop. Like, they want you to be done. Like, I thought they were into it. Whenever you go, can you come? And me, I want you to come. Oh, my God.

[Alex Cooper]

Can you.

[Hannah Burner]

We are so big. Can you come right now? She's done. She's already thinking about what she has to do that night. She's thinking of her chores.

She's texting girls in the room, nodding.

And the guy was like, wait. Men did not know that. I'm like, you think we just, like. We're like, you know, make this better? Yeah. We're saying we want this to end, Hannah.

I've done it many times in my life. Everyone's done it.

It's so the second I start talking in the bedroom, it's not because I like dirty talk. We're speeding up the process. Okay? We have to do. I have emails. Mom has to work. Okay. Mom has Pilates.

This is so accurate and terrifying.

And I say, your dick is big. That means I'm like.

I'm like, oh, my God, you're so big. Like, come for me, come for me.

Come for me, come for me.

And literally, if. And it's usually in doggy. And when you're in doggy. No, if you're face to face, like, come for me. When you're in dog, you're Lilias. Come for me, come for me. Your face is literally like, I will murder you.

Do you know when you ever sarcastically, like, you're like, okay, he liked that. Okay. You're smiling. He's, like, losing his mind. You're like, okay, let's just.

Hannah.

Every girl that's girlhood.

Is it hot in here?

No, I just sweat profusely.

I'm sweating too. Is it. Is it a little hot? I get so hot in here. I'm sweating. Are you sweating?

I'm always sweating, Hannah.

Imagine me on my wedding. I was literally like, why did I.

Choose me every day with my sweat? And I. I'm thankful for it.

Okay, but you don't get spray tans, do you?

No, I do.

So I'm literally leaking orange at all times.

I just had a memory of somehow me finding a YouTube of you being like. Like, this is how you spray tan the best spray tan in the world.

Sandro BZ.

And I was extra dark. I was, like, taking notes. I was like. And you were like, exfoliate lotion.

I don't think people understand how pale I am naturally. Look at my skin. Wait, I'm translucent.

Have you discussed, though, like, your evolution of beauty here?

No. Should we.

I feel like I want to.

Oh, my God. I don't even know what that means.

I feel like it's been, like, so subtle with you, but, like. Like, you're not as tan as you were.

Oh, I'm getting a spray tan tonight.

I go. She goes, you just called me pale to my face, but I don't think you're going as much.

I'm only. I'm only. I'm not. Oh, my God. I used to really.

And I feel like the makeup is. Is more subtle. Oh, my God. But, like, was it conscious, or were you just. As you got older, you were like, oh, I. With my face.

I relate to.

[Alex Cooper]

Oh, I think you.

[Hannah Burner]

I saw you saying something about this on your podcast. On a clip I saw, you know how people are saying, what is it? Eyebrow blindness.

Oh, yeah.

And you were like, people are. Boyfriend blindness. Fact. I had, and I probably still do have eyebrow blindness. If you look at pictures of me from college, it started to get scary. Like, it was just insane. Huge, black. It was. It was too much. But I do think I've reeled it in more.

And you. You have blonde eyebrows.

[Alex Cooper]

Blonde.

[Hannah Burner]

So you like to tint them a little. Yes, but blindness can happen with that.

It's also scary because I look back and, like, I'm convinced. When I started at barstool, I really leaned into the bimbo like that, like. Like, iconic, like, cover art of us.

Yeah.

I photoshopped the out of it, and I remember us sitting there together, me being like, ooh, lips bigger. Tits bigger. Like, cinch. Boom, boom, boom.

Facetune blindness is such a thing.

It was insane. But back then, we didn't have Facetimum, so I was, like, using Pick Monkey, So I was, like, on my web browser.

Woman in stem.

I was. I was. Was literally coding and making my lips bigger.

Okay.

We didn't have face that before, so.

I was like, do, do, do code.

XYZ lip bigger.

Boom, boom.

Plump, plump, plump.

010. Morse code.

And then when they were like, can you send us another version of just the. Like, the original? And I was literally like, no, not only can I not send you the original, I can send it because you're like, no, the one of you guys. It looked nothing like us.

[Alex Cooper]

So.

[Hannah Burner]

Because of that, I felt like I had to live up to the. This thing. So it overlined the. Out of my lips. I was like, doing so much dramatic that I was like. I now look back and I'm like, oh, my God. I literally looked like a. But you know what? Cheers. It made me a lot of money.

Well, I was gonna say. I was gonna say I've learned, like, the way you present yourself does, like, in this town. It's a thing. And that's why I wear ties sometimes, because it's powerful. People like, I'm. Can you wear ties? I'm trying to make ties a thing.

Are you Avril Lavigne? Wait, what the.

A tie Once on Giggly Squad. And it was mixed reviews. She's nodding, but I really.

You feel. So what did you wear it with?

Oh, I fully looked like an 80s salesman. I wore it just with like a button down. Like, I went full. Like, I want to feel like how a guy feels with the tie. Right? You feel. First of all, you mansplain. You start, like, explaining things. You have no idea.

Hey, just like, shut the up.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. You speaking. I feel like a. There's like a shrill noise. So I. The tie, like, you feel like you have a dick because it's like hanging around, around and you. And you, like, you gotta. You gotta make sure it's not like. Yeah, you gotta keep it in its place. You feel powerful. And I just think a girl with it, like, you with a tie, it's like, hot.

But do you have to wear a collared shirt? Could wear like a tank top.

With a tie, you can wear a tank top. It's very Avril. Yeah, but, like, I think.

Go for it.

Yeah, I think. I mean, you know her now. You could text her.

Honest.

If she is Avril.

[Alex Cooper]

Hannah.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, my God, Melissa, if you're watching this, I. Hannah, there was nothing funnier in my career maybe, than when I was like, really kind of, like, maybe pressing a little too hard, being like, okay, but Melissa. And she's literally like, do you believe it? Did you start the conspiracy theory? And I'm literally thinking back to my username, like, xxl202. Then I'm like, I was probably in those chats.

No, but you were just speaking for the people. You were the important question.

When I was doing my research, all anyone wanted to know was like, Melissa. So I was like, okay, what's up, Melissa? And she was fun about it. Yeah, but then you can never win because everyone's comment was like, that's what Melissa would say. And I'm like, what the. I feel bad. I was like. And then I love her, though. She's like, that's like, the least of my worries. Like, if that's the biggest rumor about me, I'm like, that you're dead. And then you came back as someone else. You have a body double. I guess that would be kind of cool. Imagine if that was the rumor about you. Honestly, I would die for those.

Something stupid. I was like, that wasn't me, that was Melissa.

That was Barbara. Barbara again. Ah.

[Alex Cooper]

Barbara.

[Hannah Burner]

Would never do something like that.

Honestly, please start that fucking rumor. Alex is dead. Someone else came back.

Okay, you're ex men trying to pick up a penny.

Oh, my God.

Because they're, like, struggling.

How often do you see this?

Honestly, I've never seen a penny in the last 10 years. Wait, but like, the concept of them, like, trying to. With their, like, nubby, stupid hands.

Where are the pennies?

This is like a new Chappelle Rose.

I haven't seen change in a while.

Well, that was very rich of you. She got this change stuff thing. Spotify's never given me change. Can you pay me in quarters next. Next quarter?

I'm fucking dead in la.

There's no change. There's literally no pennies.

Not even quarters. You. Have you ever stole. Just clip that. Honestly, just clip it away. Oh, my God, is it hot in here. That was very rich of you.

Everyone got quiet.

You're the one that said you hadn't seen a penny in 10 years.

You.

Have you ever stolen anything from a hookups place? Apartment? Like a house apartment?

Oh, my gosh.

I have.

What did you say? You're like. You're that friend who's like. I want to tell you a story, but I am going to ask you for a pretend. Like, I want to know what have you stolen? AirPods. I feel like AirPods are the easiest thing to steal because everyone loses their AirPods.

But I have literally, unintentionally stolen AirPods before. And I'm like walking through the airport and I look down to not steal.

An AirPod, but Hannah, then it comes.

Up as their name on your phone. Like, you have Jeremy's eye.

Like, and you're like you or something. I don't know. I don't. With AirPods, I have the old school. I use Delta headphones.

Headphones.

Oh, you don't. You don't do Delta headphones. I fly you the amount of Delta I could we strangle myself to death with the Amount of delta headphones I have knotted up in my bag, I could definitely kill, you know, a small squirrel.

Wait, Hannah.

With the amount of unsafe delta headphones I have lying around, it would definitely. The whole ocean would. Would every fish would die with the amount of delta headphones I have.

We. We. I feel like the delta headphones kind of like don't stay in my ear.

Do you want to check out each other's ear canals right now?

Honestly, I think I have ear wax. Oh my God. Someone handed me. No, I don't shower. No, listen to me.

Your intrusive thoughts are so crazy. And they're just coming out right now.

It's getting really hot.

So.

So it's starting to get to my head.

I haven't showered in seven days.

I haven't showered.

I've been searching for pennies. I can't find them anywhere.

I'm like, I'm so rich and I have earwax. I can't.

No matter how much one you have, your earwax will find you.

I can't. I don't know who to go to. No, Hannah, when I was in. This is disgusting. It's actually not. This is important. When everyone get your is checked.

Did you have a worm in your ear?

[Alex Cooper]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

I wish. Listen to me. And I would go viral.

Listen to me.

I'm such a for views. I'm like, oh my God, someone put something in my ear. Listen to me. In college, I always would talk so loud. That's actually natural. I don't know why I'm going to blame this on my ears. I talked a loud. But then I was like, maybe I need to get like my ears checked.

And I go, you thought you were deaf.

I'm like, maybe it's cuz I'm deaf. You whores. Like, it's like you can't hear anyone else.

Cuz you've never shut up.

They're like, you're just annoying the doctor. Like, just shut the up. So I go. And they're like, oh, we see a little ear wax. They do this thing where they like pour it into me, whatever. And it's basically like a honeycomb. Looks like it came out of my ear. And I was like, holy, that's been in my ear.

Then I kept talking about what's it called? Up your colonoscopy. It's like a colonoscopy for your ear.

[Alex Cooper]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes, you colonoscopy.

I'm here literally fucking my ear. It's all draining. It's all draining. And then I could hear Like, a little better. But really, I was just getting anxious because every time I it put. Put headphones on.

Oh, it would give, like, a little remnant. And I.

So the other day, I'm doing this prep and this girl was like, can I give you these AirPods? You need to listen in. And I'm literally like, I brought my own. And she was like, no, you have to use these ones because they're connected to the screen. And I literally, like, literally almost start crying, and I literally take it out and I'm like, are you going to.

Like, let me keep these? Like, when someone lends you your. Their underwear and you're like, I'm kind of spotting right now.

It's just like, little, like, discharge. You're like, don't look. This is disgusting me.

Some egg whites.

We are literally vile.

But, Alex, a Q tip in your ear. Better than sex. Said it. I said it. We all were thinking, better than sex because it's naughty. Like, you're not supposed to.

I have one better.

You're like, this is bad.

No, I have one better. Better, and it's gonna be so disgusting, and I'm really never gonna recover from this. You know what's better than a Q tip?

A fake gel X. I think all girls, I want us to be secret spies. I want us to break into car doors with our gel X. Like, literally, like, hold on one sec. I want this.

These are too long.

Yeah, this is giving. Like, I, like, I can't text right now. I'm at the point where, like, they've grown up out the last amount where I have to. I actually have never gotten fake nails before.

Is this the longest you go?

[Alex Cooper]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And she put them on. I've never gotten full because I, like, I killed the whole family. You know, you break one, you're like, it. Yeah, get over. And I was like, how do you get them off? And she's like, oh, it's a whole process. You have to, like, soak for three days and then you have, like. It's a whole thing getting like, I don't have time for this.

Canna. I. The other week just took a fucking clipper and just clipped them all off so they were just straight.

Every day I have to fight that urge.

It's disgusting. But I have them now. So anyways, pro tip, if you have any earwax, just take your del X and scoot it around because the best is you can scoop it out. Because my fear is these Q tips are just shoving it deeper in. You've seen those videos, Hannah Yes, I.

Have seen those videos. Oh, I remember the one. My favorite moment from Caller Daddy. I just remembered it. It was when I said, the only way I can orgasm is with my legs straight. And I've never had more of a connection with girls in my life.

Hannah, I want you to know that. That I did end up trying that. Oddly, maybe like a week after we filmed together, and I thought of me.

Say this.

How do I say this? I thought of you my entire time I was having an orgasm. I'm like, hannah, you were right. Well, you got a clench.

You get to clench. I'm afraid, too. If I bend my knees, I will fart. Oh, my God.

I'm afraid to literally terrify you. You're holding doggy. I mean, you don't even get me started. But I guess I can say I've had an orgasm and I've thought of you. So thank you. Cheers.

[Alex Cooper]

Oh, my God.

[Hannah Burner]

What did I feel? How did we get here? You're what I did.

I. I took us off Delta AirPods.

Have I stolen. I was dating this rich guy at this point, and he was pissing me off.

[Alex Cooper]

I knew we were gonna.

[Hannah Burner]

When they're rich doesn't count.

Did you just say, what if it.

When they're rich, does it count? Like, you know, like, with the big box stores, there's, like, taxes. I thought about that for stealing.

Well, let me take you through my thought process. So he was sleeping.

I drugged him.

I couldn't.

The melatonin hit.

I finally drugged him. He was out. I am in his apartment, and I start to spiral because I'm like. I'm looking at him breathing, and I'm like, he's definitely cheating. And he's definitely being sauce. We weren't even dating. But I'm like, he's cheating with other women, blah, blah. So I start to panic and I can't sleep. So I start walking around his apartment. And then I get this crazy idea. I'm like, him. I'm gonna take something from this apartment like you.

Because you're in a full fight with him at this point in your head.

Yeah, I was gonna say in my head. He doesn't know.

He doesn't know.

So I start going around and I'm looking at these Rolexes, and I'm like. I feel like this is Jake, because I feel like he's. I feel like I'm crazy. That, like, he would actually call the police on me. And I was like, in college, so I, like, couldn't handle that. And I was like, I'm not. I can't bail myself out.

I was older, would have taken the Rolex, but I need to finish college first. I didn't want to be in juvie. Couldn't handle juvie.

I couldn't handle juvie at that point in my life. Although a mug shot would be kind of, like, chic. I just figure out, like, what could I get a mug shot for?

And then.

Yeah. So anyway, so I'm cruising around, and I'm passing by the Roches, and I finally am like, let it go.

Did you say Roches?

[Alex Cooper]

Roches.

[Hannah Burner]

Watches.

I got it. Rolexes.

I see the Rolex, and I can't afford to this point that I'm like, okay, can't take that.

[Alex Cooper]

So I'm looking around, looking around.

[Hannah Burner]

And then finally. This is the most petty thing because it's so stupid. And it might as well have been headphones.

[Alex Cooper]

Hannah.

[Hannah Burner]

I find this box that has not been opened, and it's a GoPro. And I look at it, and I'm like, huh? I pick it up, I put it in my purse, and I fling my purse over my fucking shoulder, and I steal this man's motherfucking GoPro. I haul myself a cab, I get home, and I put the box on my decks, and I'm like, ha. There you go, motherfucker. And I never used the GoPro. And I would look at it, and I would. I did nothing with it.

I have two things to say. Say no one's ever used a GoPro. Second of all, if a man has a GoPro, that is the biggest ick I've ever had a men with GoPros.

I'm like, he was an athlete. I'm like, what is he doing with his GoPro? And then I. An athlete a couple months later, and he had a GoPro on his headboard.

And I was like, no, wait, that's.

Oh, Hannah. He had a GoPro on his headboard.

I was literally like, did you steal it after? You're like, wait, I love attention.

He's like, in the shower, I turn it the government.

Hi.

So that's what I stole.

Okay, if you want to steal something, though, that's, like, actually them off.

What?

His remote. Ruin his life. Ruin that man's life.

Life.

Just take the remote every. And he'll always think he lost it in the couch somehow. Taking someone's remote is probably the meanest.

Thing you could do to a person. More time than he has now to text you. I'm like, babe, I'm just taking it so you can respond you just keep taking everything from.

His was, like, distracting you from, like, our connection.

He's like, I hate you.

Did you have to say, you don't really know a person until you've seen them. Them in a room, trying to find their remote. Take going to a restaurant, seeing how they treat the waiter. Hide their remote and see how they act. That is the real person right there. Oh.

Because you've had it where they're like, what the?

What the? And they're flipping tables. You're like, okay, I don't want to have a child with you.

And then the next is you literally just are like, it was under your pillow. Like, here you go. It's really not.

That's the ultimate problem is they can't even find the thing that you told them where it is. But they're running the FBI. But I'm not. I digress. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's move on.

We don't have time to solve of those issues.

[Alex Cooper]

Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Batiste. I love my hair, okay? But I also love not washing it sometimes, because here's the thing, you guys, you know. You know, you get a cramp in the arm. You gotta stand in the shower for long.

[Hannah Burner]

It's a lot, okay? It's a lot being a woman.

[Alex Cooper]

There are days that you need to.

[Hannah Burner]

Look as great as ever, but you.

[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

Let's be real.

[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

And I'm like, yeah, whatever. I look gorgeous. That's the point. Meanwhile, it's fully Batiste. Like, making my hair look like I.

[Alex Cooper]

Got a blowout or I showered and I did a whole nine hour routine for my hair. Nope, just Batiste. Buy Batiste Dry shampoo online or in store at your nearest retail seller. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Shopify.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh.

[Alex Cooper]

It's the shopping season, and I love to buy clothes and things and treats and gifts.

[Hannah Burner]

And it's like I get so giddy during this time.

[Alex Cooper]

On one hand, yes, I'm a consumer, but I'm also a business owner. Daddy Gang, okay? And I have new merch on the block. And guess who is helping me make that happen and making everything go smoothly during the holidays? Shopify. Dear Shopify, thank you because you're basically Santa for the Daddy Gang, okay? The holidays are the most exciting and the most profitable time for any entrepreneur.

[Hannah Burner]

As you guys know.

[Alex Cooper]

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[Hannah Burner]

Do you have any exes that like hate you? Do you have any like are you on good terms with your exes?

Great question. So my therapist told me that I'm a little still like I don't talk to any of my exes except British Dave. I love British Dave. Shout out to British Dave and Angel.

[Alex Cooper]

So cute.

[Hannah Burner]

And then there's some who I know don't have good boundaries. So I block them. And one blocked me because he's a, any man who blocks you, that's an egg. It's so. Because I didn't even do anything to him and I'm like oh my existence. I check and he still has me blocked. And like I'll be be like, she's still that girl. She's that girl.

That's literally the craziest thing to think of a man, grown man to press block up.

Like if I was the person he's with right now and I if my I knew my husband had a girl blocked, I would be jealous because I'd be like, what's wrong if you are blocked? He's in love with. But then I had to blow up on TikTok so he'd have to block me on TikTok.

He's literally going to every four now he has to block Netflix.

So that's the thing I, I joke about. I don't care what hard times you go to because I actually, this particular man had. Did stuff that, like, he tried to hurt my career, which, like, that's when I don't. With that. So then I was like, I didn't even want a Netflix special, but now I have to. And my friends would joke because I'd be in Vermont doing, like, 10 shows. I'm dying. And they're like, is it worth it? And I'm like, it's worth it.

[Alex Cooper]

It's worth it.

[Hannah Burner]

So I. I don't. And the thing is, sometimes you get this motivation from anger.

[Alex Cooper]

It's so good.

[Hannah Burner]

But the best part is when you get to the point that you forgot why you were even mad at them. And then people are like, this is your time. Like, go on, call her daddy. Drop the name. Call him out. Tell. Show the receipts. You don't care anymore, right?

You're literally like, wait, but I have a Netflix special. Who is he again? What did he do?

You literally forget. And that's called healing.

It's not only is it.

And I'm not like, fully healed by any means, but it is. Is close to healing.

[Alex Cooper]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

No, but think of him getting the email, do you want to re up your Netflix subscription? And he goes in to re up it.

[Alex Cooper]

And your face.

[Hannah Burner]

No, that's. That's the Lady Gaga moment. Like, anywhere you go, you'll have to see me.

Do you think any of them would label you a psycho X?

It's so funny. The most psycho thing about me is that I avoid confrontation. So I've had so many relationships that had zero fighting, and then one day I would just call them because I had to talk with my mom. And I'll listen to anything this angel says. One of my worst relationships that, like, on paper, like, everyone was like, this is the greatest thing for you. And one day, I just poured my heart out to her, being like, I don't feel good about myself. He's never laughed at one thing I said.

[Alex Cooper]

Said.

[Hannah Burner]

He always walks in front of me by, like, five feet. Like, I. He controls everything. Like, when I get to see him, all that stuff. And I was young. I was like, 26. He was older. And she goes, you're not going to his apartment. And this is like, two days ago. She's like, he's the best. She goes, you're calling the. Picking him up, calling the phone, calling him. You're picking the phone to call. You're calling your phone to pick up. You're picking up the phone to call him. You're. And she was. Was like. I was like. And she Goes, I'm sitting with you. We're doing it right now. And I called him and I said, like, I want to end it. And he's like, what are you talking about?

Like, and what?

What? And he. I was like, okay. Like, I wanna. I. I can't do this anymore. And then another guy was really up.

That's a mind.

Another guy, which was so up. He was so sweet, so nice. And my. I was like, 23, 24. And my mom was just like, hannah, he's not it. And, like, I really liked him. He was so nice. But, like, I knew deep down that it wasn't right. He wasn't the one I wanted to marry. But he was so nice. Just so. And, like, he was great. My mom was like. And she was like, hannah, you're wasting time. Like, just get out of it. We have no issues. I call him, and I was like, I think it was in person. I was like, we have. Because once I decide, I'm out. So I was like, we have to break up. And he just looked at me as the saddest thing ever. He goes, so I can't, like, talk to you tomorrow. And I remember just being like, I'm sorry. Like, my mom's a savage, and I'm so scared of her, and she wants the best for me, and she knows big picture, and I can't waste my time with you because you're kind of a loser, Hannah.

Not you blaming your breakup on your mom. You're like, it's my mom.

I go, you can talk to Lenore. You can, like. But she's over it. But then I've had times where she won guy she liked that I wanted to break up with. I waited for her to go on vacation, and I broke up with him when she was on vacation because I wanted her to enjoy her vacation. Comes back. I go, I broke up with him. She was like.

I'm obsessed. I think that's, like, the most fun thing with, like, I would say with my mom, too, is like, lori has lived all of my relationships. Like, when I just did an episode about this athlete, she was like, oh, my gosh.

[Alex Cooper]

But you didn't tell the story of.

[Hannah Burner]

This and this and this. She's like, my mom literally goes, you should make it a whole summer series that you do all these stories about him. I'm like, mom, we're trying to not get sued. Mom. Also, like, I'm married.

Mom.

Mom, calm down.

[Alex Cooper]

She's like, but I wrote them all down.

[Hannah Burner]

I have it in my notebook from your college Days when you would call me. I knew you would need these stories one time, like one fucked up thing.

If my mom doesn't want to fuck him, I don't want to be with him. And I hate to say it, but it's so true. If your mom is like, he's nice. Nope. I want my mom to be flirty with him. I want to see that she gets excited when this man walks in the room. And that is so disgusting and sick. But my, my mom is nodding, listening, be like, yep, I want my daughter to be with a hot like cuz mom. My mom and I are very independent. We're gonna have a man in our life. They need to be an asset and good to look at, period.

[Alex Cooper]

And that's on that period.

[Hannah Burner]

But I do have to say I tell my mom everything too. And I posted cuz I was so excited to go on call her diet today. And I was like, guys, what? I'm going on a big podcast. Which one do you think it is? And I put like the little thing where people can comment.

They're like, rogan.

My mom goes, call her daddy. She knows. And I'm like, mom, wait, you're like.

Mom, I was just on the phone with you.

She like got excited to answer. No, mom, she's that girl.

I'm obsessed with your mom and I'm just obsessed. I think it's really nice to be able to like rely on your mom and then also blame your mom for everything.

Well, there was. Was it Julia Dreyfus? Louise. Sorry. She has so many names.

Yes, yes, yes.

I think someone, I think it was her gave a speech where she was just like, can we listen to older women? Like, older women know so much.

[Alex Cooper]

They know everything.

[Hannah Burner]

So it's like you have this asset that is your mother.

You came out of her user and.

Ask a ton of questions. And yes, I know some moms, like they, you know, it's not always great. And then ice her out if she's.

A nice like literally a narcissistic sizo. Can I speak? Oh, you're like, I'm gonna pick up him and call the phone. It's literally so hot.

You knew what I was gonna say though. You knew what I was saying anyway. So yeah, that's my problem. And I think some guys have been probably a little confused, but I've never, I've never pulled like a crazy moment. Like I have so much pride and it could be insecurity where like I never want people to think that I. That's why like things in My past have annoyed me where people are like, she's obsessed with him or whatever. Like, I. I'm never put myself in that position because I am prideful and insecure.

I get it.

So, like, when people like guys in the public, I'm like, that man has never made me laugh. He's like, annoys the out of me. And, like, I just want to have fun.

But isn't it annoying?

[Alex Cooper]

I hate it.

[Hannah Burner]

The double standard of, like, a man can say that stuff, and then people will. Then other women will agree with the man and be like, you're so right. And then if a girl just goes right back out the guy, people like, she's such a.

Like, yeah, I also.

Why don't we gang up on the man? You fucking whores.

I had one thing too, where some guys would, like, they would like my attention or they liked my conversation or something. And that's, like, the most valuable thing to me, where it's like, I'd rather us just fuck and me, like, have a fun story than you consuming my life, calling me eight times a day. And then like, men are not your friends. I have hilarious, beautiful people in my life. A man who's hot with no personality is not your friend friend and never will be.

[Alex Cooper]

And probably shouldn't be your boyfriend either.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

If they're too hot, they're scary.

No, they are so scary.

Like, really scary. Let's talk about the special.

Okay. Barbara Walters. I rest in peace.

Ripa, you need to explain to me, how did this come to be. Tell me everything I do have to say.

From doing a reality show, you. Sometimes you feel larger than life. You feel like you're the coolest person ever. You're funny, you're perfect, everyone loves you. Which is, like, also not true. Or you can feel like they put mud on you, and everyone just sees you with this stuff on you, and you're trying to shower it off, and you feel misunderstood. And feeling misunderstood was, like, my biggest fear. And the universe was like, let's do it to you. And I was in definitely a place, but it. I was in a dark place, but I never felt stuck. I just was like, okay, we gotta pivot.

We gotta pivot.

I was in this, like, where's the next thing? And tick tock was this new crowd where, like, people didn't know who I was. And I got to just, like, therapeutically. I would go on stage after reality tv and I would in my head be like, I hope these people don't hate me. And I was. But I had this Drive to show them. Like, I want them to at least not like me because they don't like my comedy, which is such a, like, more peaceful perspective.

Like kind of like all in your.

Tell me if you don't like the art. Art and like, cool. We're expressing ourselves. And also. And I needed to get better. And when I was on stage, it's up, but my mind is very. Doesn't shut up. So when I was on stage, it was the only time that I wasn't repeating or trying to figure out, like, my past. So I got to be present in that moment, telling my queef jokes. But it was like, it was like my safe space. And then comics was this crew of people who made me feel so much better about myself. They were like, dying, laughing at the shit I was going through with reality tv. Like, they were. I was telling them these stories. They were like, I would have burned the house down. I would. And they made me feel a little more seen where you can feel in the wrong crowd. You really do feel like you're losing your.

Your mind.

And that's what the point is a lot of the time. So I, I started to get this. I almost feel like hot girls don't traditionally go, let's do stand up comedy tonight or let's go to the stand up comedy club. You go with your boyfriend. But I was able to kind of cultivate this algorithm of like, I'm biased, but like, hot, successful, funny women who wanted to laugh and felt safe in their bedroom laughing at comedy. And then with giggly squad and getting the girls to come out to the show, I was like, oh, my God. We have this, like, group of women coming out to comedy shows, loving stand up. And a lot of them is their first ever shows. And it was powerful. And because I was selling tickets, I didn't have to wait to like, get chosen to be on lineups and stuff.

[Alex Cooper]

Interesting.

[Hannah Burner]

I was like, producing my own shows. And then I started doing Hand on the street where I was making friends with all these comics. And then the comedy community started embracing me in a way where I was just like, either you like me or don't, I don't care. Like, I don't need you to accept me. But, like, because I came in with some of some followers, so some comics will be like, well, she didn't bomb in enough basements. But I'm like, I want to build you. I want it to be like, Chelsea Handler esque, where I. I bring people that are talented around me. No matter how many followers you have I. With you if you're, like, a nice person who's talented. And it's, again, selfish of me to be like, I. I want to. Before you go famous, I'm gonna put you on.

Yeah, yeah. No, but I think it's like, you recognize people that you with, and I feel like sometimes you're right. People will be like, oh, I'm too big for that. Like, they make it. They make it. And then I'll give them acknowledgment where you're like, no, I felt like that person that didn't have that. And I wish someone would have recognized how talented I was and not been threatened, but, like, helped lift me up.

Yeah. And then I just continued touring. I continued touring, get on the road, be with my girls, work on the jokes, Work on the jokes, work on the jokes. And then variety kind of noticed me. It was like, she's definitely got going on. And we get a call from Netflix.

Oh, my God.

Now, the crazy thing about this call is, is my agent's like, netflix wants to do a special with you. I. I'm freaking out. Like, I have a video of me, Like, I was, like, shaking. I go to the other room, and I'm like, dez, I got a Netflix special. Oh, my God. He looks at me, no smile. And he goes, yeah, you're not shooting that. And I was like, I'm sorry. Isn't this, like, the goal? And he goes, you have nine more months of touring, and you're going to do those nine more months because your bits are gonna be tagged up and that much better at the end of. And you tell them you'll shoot it the latest you can possibly shoot it. So, like, he's immediate. He's a protector, of course. And he has done his own career where he's like, you don't rush into a special.

Right?

But, like, I love this material so much, and I'm so happy that I basically told Netflix, like, in a year, I'll. I'll do it. So they were like, why? And I was just like, I think I could make it even better. Even though they liked it at the time. Time.

That's like.

So I, like, sat on that, like, and I. I wasn't allowed. I didn't even tell Paige for, like, a month.

For a month.

Just because two minutes I, like, looked through too long, and I was like. Because I just wanted to sit in it. But it was such a great moment of, like, it's not about the special. It's not about clout. It's about, like, putting out something you're proud of.

I thank you for sharing that because it makes it even cooler now to, like, I can't wait to watch it. I was literally like, can I get a screener? And they're like, no. And I was like, okay.

We were actually doing color correct direction still.

I was like, can I watch it? And they're like, no. And I was like, no. Okay, fine. I'll watch it with everyone else.

I'll text her.

I'm excited. I'm gonna, like, have wine. Matt and I are gonna sit down. I'm gonna be sending you pictures. I'm gonna watch it. I'm so excited. But I truly am so proud of you. Like, I feel like when I met you, I was like, oh, my God, this is someone I could have been friends with my whole life. Like, having been athletes, like, knowing the trauma that you have from being an athlete, knowing the type of person, it just, like, builds you into. And you're, like, so competitive with yourself. And I think sometimes for especially women in sports, I feel like that gets misconstrued. And we've dealt with, like, being our worst critics.

So you fight similar battles all the time. I think that's why when we message each other, it's like, how you doing against your demons?

If you go through all of our messages, we are only texting each other, like, check ins. We're like, I just saw this. How are you doing? I'm so proud of you. Proud of you.

[Alex Cooper]

You good?

[Hannah Burner]

K talk in a couple months.

Like, have you slept right?

We're like, you good? And then we're like, you ready to come on the pod? You okay? Okay. You're wearing jorts. Amazing. Midlife crisis. Cue it now for help. I just am so excited for people to watch this. And I feel like you from when I met you to now is What I'm saying is like, you were so funny back then, but we both were insecure. And of course, we're both still insecure in some capacities. But, like, I can't wait to watch the special because you are so much more yourself now than when I met you. You were. We were both going through it. Not that we weren't ourselves, but like, you're. You're leading with, like, you're so talented. You are. Like, anyone I talk to about you recently are like, oh, my God, Hannah Burner, she's lights out. Like, I can't wait to see the special. Like, oh, my God, you are just.

[Alex Cooper]

Just.

[Hannah Burner]

I get chills when I talk.

I feel like I'm living in a dream. Like, I feel like I, I. We did the last pod with Paige, and then I fell asleep and then had a dream that you were sitting here being like, you got a Netflix special.

Crazy.

Like, it feels like a dream, but I'm turning into my dad. He loves quotes, and he was. It basically is like, what if your biggest dreams came true? And I think you are a good example of that because you showing that because it's kind of lonely sometimes at the top, and you showing that a girl could get a lot of attention and run a full company, like, it's paving the way for other people to be like, oh, that dream is not too scary. And I do feel like with this special, I really hope that more girls are gonna be like, I'm just like, hannah, that's how I am with my friends. Wait. I, like, I, like, fuck with this. I want to do stand up because I have this conspiracy theory that, like, women are made for stand up. We're gossipers. We complain. We overanalyze. Like, that is what stand up is. So I just like disrupting male spaces and making men upset. And I think we write a dawn.

We write a dawn. Last question. Hannah, how are you gonna feel if your Netflix special is potentially in the background of some Netflix and Jill sessions and people are fucking to your special special? Oh, have you thought about that?

That it's gonna be so awkward because I'll literally be talking about how hard it is to ride a guy while you're riding a guy, and I don't know how you'll recover from that or, like, how, like, you're holding in your fart when you're cuddling, and it's like, you haven't had to fart all day, and then suddenly, the second his dick's on your butt, you're like, I have the biggest gas bubble I've ever had, Hannah.

They're gonna be Netflixing, chilling, watching you. And she's like, oh, my God, Isn't it the worst when you're holding your fart and the girls are like, shut the fuck up, Hannah. And you're like, how would a queef? And she's literally like, oh, my God, maybe watch this with your girlfriends, but.

I think your boyfriends and the men in your life should watch it because it's quite educational. It's very educational.

It's for everyone. We ride it, Dawn. Hannah, I could sit here and talk to you for 17 more hours. I love you.

Thank you for also being so good at interviewing because you make me look good.

You look.

Which can be difficult.

Except for the shorts you're turning.

Paige.

Paige. I'm literally touching. I'm patient.

I'm like going to be furious when I tell her I wore jorts on Call her Daddy. She'd be like you disrespectful.

But you guys have to. It's good. You both have. You're. You're different. It's perfect. I love how I'm like, you're different, Hannah. It's just because you're different. I love you. Thank you so much for coming on. Call Daddy. This was everything and more. I love you. This may have been her best work yet.

No, I think it is.

I love you.

[Alex Cooper]

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