← Call Her Daddy
Call Her Daddy
How to Pick Your Life Partner
00:59:10
Join Alex in the studio for a special solo episode where she breaks down all of the tough questions you should be asking your partner, how to make sure you’re aligned on what really matters, and what to do when you find yourself questioning your relationship. Enjoy!
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- [00:01]
A
Hi Daddy Gang, it is your father. I am so excited that Caller Daddy has officially joined the Sirius XM family. I cannot wait to talk to new guests and continue to share my crazy personal stories and experiences with you every single week. If you want to hear new episodes ad free, subscribe to Sirius XM podcasts plus on Apple Podcasts or visit siriusxm.com podcastsplus to start your free trial today. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Tinder. When is the last time you had a real crush? I'm talking real, okay? I'm talking a checking your phone every three seconds or getting butterflies in your stomach when you get a Tinder notification from them kind of crush. Yes, those crush feelings are happening on Tinder. There is no pressure to take things too seriously. Just like flirt and vibe with people who actually get you. How incredible. What a concept. There are so many heart melting, stomach fluttering, potential matches on Tinder waiting for you. Daddy. What are you waiting for? Explore all the possibilities for yourself. Tinder. It starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today.
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- [01:38]
A
This episode is brought to you by Yves Saint Laurent's iconic Lieb collection. Lieb's Vanilla Couture is Lieb's first ever limited edition fragrance. It's sweet, yet bold with rich vanilla caviar, rum liqueur, absolute lavender and orange blossom. Find it now at Sephora. What is up, Daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy.
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C
Welcome back to Call Her Daddy. The guest this week is you, Daddy Gang. You are the guest and I am interviewing you. I want to have a very honest conversation today to explore one of the biggest decisions that you will ever make in your life, which is who you choose as your life partner. Now, before I move forward, I just obviously need to clarify. I am not saying that finding a partner or a husband should be the sole purpose of your life. We are all so much more than that, obviously. And there are people listening, I acknowledge today who may not even be interested in that and may not want that. And that is perfectly okay. What I want to talk about today though is if you are someone who wants a monogamous relationship and or wants to get married, then the decision of who you choose as your life partner is so important because the effect that it has on your mental health and just your overall well being right, it can impact every single aspect of your life. So today we are gonna get really deep and I just want to pose some questions to you that can hopefully get you thinking about things that maybe you've never considered before or. Or maybe have been avoiding. So now let's rewind for a second to give you all context of like why this is on my mind is because my parents recently just celebrated 40 years of marriage together. And my family and I went out and we celebrated. We went to a dinner and there were a lot of happy tears because the night turned into me and my siblings asking my parents, how have you guys done it? How have you made it work? How are you still so in love? And truly, the wisdom and advice that my parents were sharing, I literally left that night being like, oh my God, I wish I could have recorded that and just uploaded that to the podcast for you guys. Because not only does everyone deserve that type of love, but the first step is knowing what to look for and the standards that you should set for yourself. So I ended up writing a bunch of stuff down and then after that I continued to reach out to other couples who I look up to, who I respect and who I know have put in the work. And so that is what this episode is. It is going to be a conglomeration of all of that wisdom broken down into hopefully a very tangible conversation that helps you evaluate what you want out of life. Because whether you're single and you're searching for your person, you're in a relationship, wondering if he or she is the right one, or maybe you're already married. And sometimes quietly asking yourself, did I choose the right person? Regardless of where you're at, I think there is something in this episode for everyone. So Daddy gang, let's get into it.
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A
Call her Daddy is brought to you by Uber Eats. Okay, Daddy gang, we all know UberEats has the best selection of local restaurants, but did you know they also eat when it comes to a whole range of delivery services?
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You didn't listen.
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A
This might be a lot to take in, so let me break it down for you. Uber Eats isn't just for locked in salad bowl lunches or pre game in with Tai. Okay? When you can't make it to the store, you can just basically get anything you need delivered straight to your door. With Uber Eats right now, you could be checking off your whole shopping list here's the thing. There are so many times where I am in the middle of a meeting and I'm like, oh my God, I just remembered that I needed to get this before the weekend. Or oh my God, I bet Henry and Bruce would love a new toy or love a couple treats.
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Boom.
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Order it. Oh my gosh, I wish that I had more paper towels. I just remembered them. Or oh my God, I just realized.
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That I'm out of toilet paper. Boom, boom, boom.
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Your everyday life things Uber Eats has you. Okay. Get grocery, alcohol and everyday essentials in addition to the restaurant food you love. So in other words, get almost, almost anything with Uber Eats. Order now for alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by T Mobile. Here's the thing, Daddy gang. You know I love the outdoors. I love it, I love it and I love it until I don't have service. Okay? And like, oh, this hike is so gorgeous, Matt.
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C
My dogs are so hot. Wait a second, Daddy gang, I'm here.
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To tell you we are going to be fine. Now, even if you wander into the middle of nowhere, T Mobile has us connected because they have T Satellite.
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Yes, you heard that, right?
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Like, picture a random trail, zero bars.
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But still texting the group chat like, yeah, I survived. Send wine like, everything's good. Yeah.
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The new Google Pixel 10 automatically connects to T Satellite when you're off the grid and has early access to T Satellite ready apps like Google Maps, Google Mess and find Hubs so you can stay connected in places you didn't think possible. Be the girl in your friend group.
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That actually has the service. Okay?
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That is why I love T Mobile and that is why I am T.
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Mobile till the end. I got Matt and I on that plan and boom, we're thriving.
- [08:27]
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C
So here we go. The question of the day is how do you know? How do you know what you should be looking for when you're dating? To marry or you're just dating. Right. To find your life partner. And also, listen, I recognize everyone who is tuning in today and watching this. Like, you are an individual coming from different backgrounds and you have different perspectives and beliefs as the other listeners. So, like, what you want in a relationship may not be the same as your friend or the Same as me. And that is okay, as long as you're able to decipher what is important to you. That's all that matters today. So one of the biggest things when I was at this dinner with my parents that they kept going back to was the foundation of their relationship. And its success was really built upon the alignment they had when it came to their core values. And they emphasized they're in love with each other. Of course they're attracted to each other, but that's the easy part. When things get hard, love can only get you so far. If you fundamentally view and approach life differently, there's not much you can do, right? So, guys, I took notes, okay? I want to talk about, like, I feel like you always hear, like, values. Do you have the same values? Like, do you value the same things? And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, what actually are core life values? Like, what does that even mean? That is your view on kids, finances, family, religion, politics, and sex. So I think we should start with one of the easiest ones. Let's start with kids. You're like, what? No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start with kids. Okay? Talking about kids in your relationship is way more than just like, oh, yeah, I think it'd be nice to have them one day. Like, in order to actually know if you're aligned, you do need to go deeper. So, yes, obviously, the conversation can be Start with, like, the. Literally, do you want kids? And if they do and you do, you have to keep going. How many kids would they ideally want? That's still easy, right? Like, do they envision having a small or a large family? And then when do you want them? And what is your ideal age to. To start trying for a baby? Do you want to be married for a few years first? Is there, like, a specific career milestone that you want to hit before you start building a family? I had shared with you guys this past year that my timeline around having children changed. So I'm not saying that these decisions need to be 100% set in stone, but it is important to make sure that you're at least in the same ballpark as each other and that you can both find common ground on what it is you want and what you see for yourselves. For example, if one partner thinks that they want to have two children and the other one wants to have four, that's much easier to compromise on than if one partner wants nothing more than to be a parent and the other one doesn't even want kids at all. Right? And trust me, Trying to change your partner's mind on this large of a core value is not only going to be really difficult, but it can be borderline problematic. One of my friends who I spoke to before this episode had a previous marriage that didn't work out for this exact reason. Leading up to getting married, they were having conversations about kids, and she knew 100% that she wanted them. And he was really honest and open that because of his difficult childhood, he didn't think that he really wanted kids. And she went into the marriage thinking that he would change his mind once he got older and they were actually married.
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And guess what?
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C
That didn't happen. And so they had a really heartbreaking divorce because although there was so much love there and they were in love, she wanted to start a family. And when she was reflecting back and talking to me about it, she acknowledges that she saw what she wanted to see. She realized that she swept a really big issue under the rug because she convinced herself that, like, oh, no, no, he'll change his mind. He'll change his mind. Here's my take. People can obviously change their mind and evolve regarding, you know, what they want out of life. And I actually think that's one of the most beautiful aspects of being a human being. And it's like, when you do eventually change your view on something, that's awesome, that's great. But when someone is telling you where they stand, you have to listen and you have to take it seriously. Daddy gang. Because let's say she was somehow able to convince him, right? Maybe she got him to be like, yeah, yeah, like, maybe I'll. Yeah, maybe I will. Yeah, like. Or like, maybe, okay. It's so unhealthy when someone changes their mind about something this large solely to appease their partner that is going to cause such issues down the road. And I know it can be extremely difficult when you are in love with someone and it's. It just feels like you're not aligned on that one aspect of life, right? It's just that one thing. If we could just fix that one thing, because everything else is great, trust me, it will do more damage than good. It's just a band aid. So my advice with kids is like, listen to what your partner is telling you when it comes to this value, right? Another thing about kids that I think people really don't talk about, and my mom was talking to me about this is like, what happens when you struggle to have them. Obviously, having children looks different for everyone and can be really, really difficult or even impossible for some Women. So, ladies, watching this, you should be asking your partner before you decide to sign up for a life with them. Hey, if we struggled to get pregnant, hypothetically, like, how would you cope with that? Would they be open to ivf? Would they ever consider adoption? And I also fully understand when you first start having these conversations, right? You're like, you're in progress of trying to figure out, is this your life partner you're dating for a while, maybe you've moved in. Like, I get that when you're broaching this topic, especially with kids, this may not be something that he's thought about before, but you can catch a vibe if you ask him his thoughts on kids. And he is constantly swerving the conversation or somehow making it more about him than you. Please, for the love of God, listen to your gut. I'm gonna move on from kids in a second because I also recognize there's a lot of people that may not want kids. But lastly, on this one specific topic, I will say we're still talking kind of about the easy part, right? You're fantasizing and dreaming about the life you'll hopefully have. Oh, my God, this is so fun. How many kids do you want? Wait, how many kids do you want? And oh, my God, if everything works out and it's super easy to conceive, and we have this, like, what are their names? But then what happens after you have kids, right? Does your partner expect you to stay home with the kids all day? And how do you feel about that? How will you divide up the childcare responsibilities with your partner? And, like, guys, I know, again, these questions that I'm asking you, like, you may not be able to get the exact firm answers to, especially the first time that you bring them up, but even I would almost urge you, just start within yourself. What do you think your partner's answer will be to all these questions? I truly believe that more than half the time, you actually know exactly what their answer will be. Because when you're in a relationship with someone, you learn their morals and their values. You know how they treat you. You watch how they treat other people in their life and in the world. Most of the time, the answer is right in front of you. So you have to stop avoiding it, because that is about to be your reality and your life. Okay, let's keep going, because I feel like you cannot talk about kids seriously without talking seriously about money. Money, honey. Okay. When you are looking to build a life with someone, you need to be aware of your partner's finances, full Stop. You need to know how much your partner makes in a year, what their financial commitments like rent or loans are, and what their overall financial goals are. Because if you're merging your life with someone, you are most likely going to be merging your finances in some capacity with them. Now, I want to be so clear. I am not saying that in order for someone to be the one, you need to be making bank, they need to be making bank and all this money. What I'm saying is that you need to be aware of the financial situation that you're signing up for with your partner so that you can make sure you are both aligned. Do you want a joint bank account? Do you not? How are you at budgeting? Do you want a prenup? What lifestyle costs are essential to you? What are your financial priorities? I totally understand that comparing your 401ks isn't exactly the hottest conversation, but are you aligned on the way that you are approaching savings or investing? Do each of you have a 401k? Do you know what this person's credit score is? Does he even know where to find his credit score? You don't want to be the person who, shortly after getting married, realizes that her husband is $90,000 in credit card debt and you had no idea and now it's somewhat your responsibility. I think it's really important to have an open discussion with your partner about your career goals and your ambitions. What about, you know, work, life, balance? It's the classic saying, like, do you live to work or do you work to live? There is no right answer. There's a right answer for you and your partner, but I can tell you right now it's definitely going to affect your relationship, whatever that answer is. And if you're on different pages and you never discuss it, it's going to heavily impact your dynamic. Matt and I are both workaholics right now, and his drive is one of the things that I find really, really attractive about him. And we definitely prioritize our careers in certain moments. And we both had previous relationships where that was a pain point and our partners resented that. We didn't make them feel prioritized. But it is something that really works for Matt and I and we are aligned on. So my final thought is just there should be no secrecy when it comes to finances in your relationship. If one person is more of the breadwinner, it should not give them more power and the right to withhold information from you if you are in a committed partnership. Okay, so we have kids, we have career and finances. Guys, we're crushing. This is like, easy, okay? But don't get too comfortable because this next one may truly be the trickiest of them all. Let's talk about family. His family, her family, your family. Family. Oh, family. Right around the holiday season, too. This is perfect. Family is a really tough one because a lot of it comes down to priorities and boundary setting and navigating dynamics that existed way before you came into the picture. And you can get a sense of this early into dating, right? The more you spend time with your partner and their family or don't spend time, you're gonna begin to understand the dynamic, the role that your partner plays in their family and how their family treats them. And you guys, every single family has baggage. There is no way around it. But my question is, like, are you and your partner align on how you handle it? I remember a guy that I was seriously dating had a very, very unhealthy relationship with his parents. And I don't know, like, at first glance, in the early days of dating, I didn't really think much of it because he would lightly talk about it with me and I was there for him. And sometimes it was honestly just like a bonding moment for the two of us. And whose family isn't a little up, right? But then once our relationship started to get more serious and I was starting to become an actual more permanent factor in now this family dynamic, spending holidays together, right? Like going on family trips or whatever, I started to feel the extraordinarily unhealthy lack of boundaries that I was now being pulled into. And it quickly dawned on me how this would impact the rest of my life. And if I did choose to spend it with him. And I need to emphasize that the reason that I became acutely aware of how negative of an impact it would have on me was not because of the inappropriate behavior from my potential in laws. Like, that is literally going to be every fucking family. I feel like everyone's going to have a weird one with their in laws. That is a classic. But it was the way that my partner handled the mistreatment and the boundary crossing that made me realize he was never going to protect our relationship or me when things got unhealthy with his family. Because I would bring it up and then I would bring it up again. And I want to be really clear. I have so much compassion and understanding and experience with unhealthy families. I get you don't get to pick your family. And sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world to break these patterns that have been there since day one. But this wasn't that. It quickly became him and his family versus me. So often that I would feel alienated. I was publicly being disrespected, and my partner never made any attempt to validate me, to comfort me, or to change anything. He just fell immediately back into who he was as a little boy in that house with his parents. It was kind of, you know, like he was just kind of like, this is the way things are and they're not changing. He had no interest in therapy. And so for me, I was like this.
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A
There's no way this is gonna ever work.
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C
And I know it's really, really hard. But daddy gang, this is something that you have to consider. Is your partner honestly interested in breaking unhealthy patterns? That, yes, may be transgenerational in his family, but he's willing to do the work. Doesn't mean it's going to be quick. Doesn't mean it's going to be easy. This could, most likely, this is going to be for the rest of your life. Right, like you're marrying his family. Everyone's family's up. Are they willing, though, your partner to do the work to protect your relationship and, and protect both, both of you individually and as a couple? I'm not here to judge anyone on the threshold of what you are capable of personally handling, but I'm just asking these questions. Daddy gang of like, talking openly about your family dynamics and past issues is so, so, so important. When you're building a strong foundation as a couple, you're building a partnership. I get that family is special and sacred and also so complicated. But if your needs are constantly being put second to their family's drama, it's going to take a toll on you. And you have to make sure that you are aligned with your partner on boundaries when it comes to, to family and what you are both willing and not willing to put up with. I know that's a really tough one because I just feel like everyone. It's so, it's so hard because it's, it, it. It takes a second to broach the topic with your partner because they can be defensive because then you compare, like, whose family's more up. I get it. But as you continue to watch patterns with your partner, are they essentially just abandoning you in these moments and you're left to be like, wait, wait, when we're home, it's completely different than when we're here. I, like, completely lose you. What's going on? That's the shit you have to start to look out for. Okay, daddy gang. We're, like, kind of almost out of the trenches. We've had a lot of the big conversations. The next one is a little. I'm going to keep this short. Okay. But the next one is. Yeah, this isn't. This is a little bit of a doozy. Okay. The next one is religion. Guys, how fun is this episode? There is nothing sexier than falling in love. That's the easy ist part of being in this life. You guys. Falling in love. Oh, me. So fun. It's this, that. Then you're like, this is why she doesn't last. Because not a lot of people go through these items and actually make sure are you aligned? So here we go. Religion. Woo. Okay, some of you may know I was raised Catholic and Matt is Jewish. And before we got engaged, we had a lot of conversations, a lot, a lot of conversations about the role that religion would play in our marriage. How would religion factor into our wedding ceremony? What holidays and traditions would we honor together? How do we want to raise our children? And I cannot imagine being married to Matt today without having had all those really detailed, intimate conversations, especially as we are thinking about having kids. Religion and faith is so deeply personal, and it's so important that you know where you guys stand before committing to a life together. I will never forget it was the first guy that I was, like, truly, truly in love with. And at the time, he was probably the first person I was like, okay, I actually think I could, like, see a future with this person. And I remember I was visiting him in his hometown and we were driving home from a dinner and somehow the topic of kids came up and it was, like, exciting and fun and just like, you know how you do it? You just kind of, like, romanticize and you have fun and you think about it. And at first everything was, like, pretty aligned. We both agreed on how many kids we would want. We started going through just kind of everything that I mentioned in this episode so far, like, oh, my gosh, like, what would you want to name them? And like, if you were working, what would I be doing? And how would we handle that? And blah, blah, like, we were really aligned. And then somehow religion came up in relation to how we would want to raise kids. And again, before I say this, I just want to be clear. I do not judge anyone's religious beliefs. What he shared with me deeply went against my personal beliefs and what I want to instill in my children and raising my children. And in that moment, like, we couldn't have Been less aligned. And I could tell he didn't really think it was a big deal, but I knew it was just something. I was like, oh, my God. I don't think I'm. I don't think I'm gonna be able to get over this. And I definitely, like, pressed him a little bit and kept asking him, like, well, would you be open? And it was just like, flat out no. Kind of like I said earlier with the woman with the kids thing. And he was saying no. And I had to. I kind of had a pit in my stomach the rest of that trip with him, because I was like, the love is there, the sex is there, the, like, lifestyle concepts. And then this was the one thing that I was like, oh, my God, I can't. I don't think I could look past this. And so, yes, it can be awkward early days to talk about religion. You're, like, at a fudgeing, like, hot, sexy restaurant. Your tits are pushed up, you're looking hot. It's date night. And you're like, so let's talk religion. It's like, no, I get it. It's not sexy, but it is not something that you should put on the back burner and leave until after marriage to figure out. And this kind of wraps into politics. You're like, I have to go take a lap around my neighborhood. I feel like I'm in a fucking history lesson class. Alex, trust me, I'm listening. I know it may not be technically fun, but it's kind of fun. Come on. It's kind of fun. Politics, I get these are really sensitive topics, and you do have to, like, you have to have these conversations at some point. You don't have to have the exact point by point beliefs as your partner, but you have to, I truly believe, have some sort of alignment and respect for where the other person stands. Right? Like, I will leave politics to you guys. You don't need me to weigh in on that one. But, like, I guess I would just say I do think it's important as a woman to know. Does he support women having equal rights to men? And does he support women having rights to their own body? Does he believe women should have autonomy over making decisions about their own bodies? Just throwing it out there. Good to know as a woman, you know what I mean? It's so sad that these are the things that we need to be asking nowadays, but this is the reality that we're in. So you catch my drift? Okay, we're swerving. Let's talk about sex, guys. See, I Told you this is gonna get fun. Here's the truth. We all know this. At this point, attraction can fade and your sex drive will obviously fluctuate. But where do you guys stand on just baseline expectations? Do you both agree that you should both be having orgasms, not just him? What a concept. Are they willing to put in the work to make sure you're actually getting pleasure from sex? Are you aligned with how you talk about sex and the role of sex and what it plays in your relationship? Do you feel like it's an open conversation that you can safely share your wants and your needs with your partner? The end of the day, every relationship puts a different emphasis on sex. Some people want it, some people don't want it as much. Some people have this habit. Everyone has a different thing that is up for you and your partner to decide. But I really recommend making sure that you feel comfortable having open communication about what you want when it comes to this. And have these conversations before you're committing your life to someone. Because your sex life matters.
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A
There is nothing that makes me happier than when I get a compliment from someone and they say, alex, you smell delicious.
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C
Okay. I mean, is there anything better than someone telling you you smell good? No. And you want to know what I'm wearing? You already know what I'm wearing.
- [33:48]
A
Yves Saint Laurent Beauty.
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C
Okay, let's go. If you are looking for a new.
- [33:53]
A
Statement fragrance, Yves Saint Laurent's iconic Lieb collection is everything you've been looking for to turn heads and feel your most confident. The vanilla fragrances are all the rage, and Yves Saint Laurent's Lieb and Nil Couture is the best one out there. Listen to me, Daddy Gang. It's Lieb's first ever limited edition fragrance. It's sweet, yet bold with rich vanilla caviar, rum liqueur, absolute lavender, and orange blossom. The most delectable version of Lieb. Of course, the original Lieb Eau de Parfum never misses either. Its iconic fragrance is infused with lavender and orange blossom. It's the most amazing warm floral for every day, which you've heard me talk about. But, Daddy Gang, this is your sign. Okay. Lieb Vanilla Couture. Boom. Here we go. You are going to want to be smelling amazing. And there you go. Shop now at Sephora Bet. MGM has exciting ways for you to bet on pro football. And new customers can sign up for BETMGM using bonus code CHD to unlock their welcome offer and score up to $1,500 back in bonus bets. If they don't win their first bet. Daddy Gang get involved this football season.
- [34:56]
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- [35:26]
A
Everyone that listens to this podcast knows the way that I feel about Hidden Valley Ranch, okay? It has been in my life through and through since. Honestly, I feel like I came out of the womb, okay? And I am so excited for Thanksgiving because obviously I am going to have Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning apart of my ingredients.
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C
Okay?
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Hidden Valley Ranch tastes amazing on so many of your favorite foods. You might already love enjoying Hidden Valley Ranch with wings and pizza, but there is so much more flavor to explore. Daddy Gang Adding a ranch twist to your favorite dishes will make Hidden Valley Ranch the star of your holiday table. And I know for a fact because.
- [36:09]
C
I have been doing it. Okay?
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A
Hidden Valley Ranch Spinach Dip Made with the Hidden Valley Ranch Dip Mix, it is an easy to make classic that's sure to impress guests at your holiday gathering. Like girls. Get the Hidden Valley Ranch Spinach Dip. I am telling you, you are going to be the star of the night. You want to make something about yourself. Boom.
- [36:28]
C
You use the Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning.
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Also because that is it can be versatile. You can use it over many different courses, but it is guaranteed to just taste so delicious. So you know the drill, Daddy Gang. Find your favorite Hidden Valley ranch products@walmart.com.
- [36:41]
C
Hidden Valley okay, so core values, check, check, check. We are literally thriving. Okay? We may have lost I real soldiers along the way. Maybe you, maybe you paused this and you went and dumped your boyfriend because of, you know, you realized, oh, I've had these conversations and he's given me nothing. He's given me nothing. He's shown his true colors. I really love that for you. I love when someone pauses an episode of Color Daddy and just completely breaks up with their boyfriend. That is. That's being efficient, babe. Okay? But I want to go back to My parents for a second. Because hearing my parents talk about the foundation that they built before even getting married and then continued to build upon, it was just really helpful in understanding what it actually takes to maintain and grow a healthy 40 year marriage. And something that my mom also emphasized is that you can be aligned on all of this. All of this. Oh, check. Religion, boom. Politics, boom. Sex, boom. Family. Well, family's looking crazy, but. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Checking it left and right. Boom, boom, boom. But. But then life happens, okay? And life is beyond unpredictable and you truly never know what it's gonna throw at you, okay? Stress, change, loss, parenthood, financial pressures, identity shifts. Life is going to test us. But there is no denying that having a partner who you can trust and you respect and they respect you, to go through the bad times with it makes it a hell of a lot easier than going through it alone. Which brings me to my next point. How does your partner handle hard moments when stressful or traumatic situations happen, obviously we all respond differently. You don't have to have the same response as your partner, but you do want to pay attention to how they're able to cope with and handle these type of situations, right? Like, is your partner able to stay present and get through a hard time, or are they immediately emotionally withdrawing and disappearing and shutting down in tough times, do you still feel safe and secure with your partner? Do you feel like the two of you are gonna be able to work together to figure out a way through it? Do you feel supported? If you're sitting here reflecting on a tough moment that you and your partner have been through and you're sitting there and you're kind of thinking like, okay, we. Alex. No, I actually felt really isolated or scared or like I was the one taking on all of the burden while they were completely checked out. Then really think about if this dynamic will work for you long term. Look, when life throws something horrible at you, I understand there is no rule book on how to handle it perfectly and honestly in those type of situations, people are going to need a lot of grace. A lot of times we're dealing with things for the first time. But overall, you just need to have trust in your partner that when you are faced with any form of adversity, this person is not going to run away. They're going to stand next to you and weather the storm. Okay? Picture this, Daddy gang. You get a phone call. You find out your mom has had a health emergency and she's being rushed to the hospital right now. God forbid, let's knock on wood. Okay. You are working, your partner is working, your dog's at daycare, you got, you know, a friend's birthday dinner that night. There's a million things going on in your life and you are freaking out, rightfully. So you call your partner, you say, you say, I have to go to the hospital. I literally can't think about anything right now. I have to go see my mom. Can you handle everything, Daddy Gang? Do you trust them to actually handle it? Do you trust that they will call and tell your friends that you can't make dinner, that they're going to go pick up your dog and take him on a walk and then give him dinner? Do you trust that your partner will show up to the hospital later that night to check on you? Are they asking, what do you need? Oh, wait, I don't want to ask her because she's so stressed. I'm just going to think to bring her clothes and get her dinner. Like, do you have a partner who you trust will be there emotionally for you to help you get through these type of moments? Because they're going to come. Or do you think that you'll have to send them a checklist of everything that needs to be done to keep your guys life moving? Will they even show up? Have you guys seen the Tick Tock videos those like girls have been posting where it's like the boyfriend is doing dumb and they film the boyfriend and they caption it like, I can't believe this is my emergency contact. Obviously I know that's a joke and it's like really funny. But if you actually think about that for a second now be serious. If you actually are having a medical emergency and the doctors need your partner to make insanely high stake decision for you, do you trust your partner can make the right call? And I get it, I get it. If you're sitting here being like, okay, Alex, relax, like you're being a little, like you're being dramatic. This is a little dramatic. I, I get it. These things sound so far off. It sounds like so far away, this won't happen. But stuff like this happens all the time and you need to be asking yourself these tough questions. If it's your boyfriend in high school, no, I don't give a if he's gonna be capable of like deciding when you're on your deathbed what to do with you. That's not where we're at in life. But when you are now deciding for a life partner, not just like a, he's so hot and he brings me Flowers. He's gonna be such a hot dad. Like, when you're 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, do you want this person by your side through the hardest times? My dad recently had a really big health scare, and his recovery required him to be at home on bed rest. And my mom significantly stepped up. And I remember my mom said to me, it was one of the really, really tough, difficult nights. She had been sleeping on a hospital chair. Then they got him home, and she was up all night, and she found herself feeling so grateful. And she had. She was like, I just remember sitting there and I'm so uncomfortable, and I haven't slept in my. And then I'm like, oh, my God. I'm so grateful. Because there wasn't a question in her mind that although she's exhausted and she's drained and she's scared, they were in this together, and she wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone else. And the amount that she had to do for him and care for him, she knew that he would do and will do the exact for her. And honestly, stressful moments or hard times, they don't have to be life or death. Okay, so if you're all like, well, I've never been sick. I've never gone to the hospital. I can't relate. Okay, fine, then let's give a dumber example. Okay. Matt and I were on vacation one time, and I remember we had a really long drive from the hotel to the airport. It was the end of the vacation, and it was going to take about two hours to get there. So we budgeted for three just to be safe. And we figured we would still have, you know, like an hour and a half at the airport. It was an international flight. It was a straight shot, literally down one singular road to the airport. Easy, easy. No problem, right? What do you think happened? It ended up being one of those travel days from hell. It ended up taking us over five hours to get to the airport. And it became extremely clear really quickly that we were going to not only miss our flight, but we had one of the most important meetings for our company the next day. And so we're on this remote road in the middle of nowhere, bum buck. And we started to run out of gas. Naturally, Naturally. The guy driving's like, oh, yeah, we're. I'm like, perfect, perfect. Love this. So overall, stress couldn't have been higher. And in that moment, we could have started bickering, blaming each other. We could have started fighting. But we sat there and we were like, okay, we can't control any of this. We can't change this. What can we do to try to make this a little better? And let's try to find a solution. So I called the airline to see what we could do. Matt called the car company to figure out the gas situation. And we were just working together to get through this shit show. And honestly, even though it was a horrible day, we were both so stressed, but I felt like we were on the same team the whole time. That's what I have felt with Matt since day one of meeting him. We are on the same team. Doesn't mean we don't fight. But it's like I have had it also on the other end. Daddy gang. I remember a similar situation actually, just with a different guy. I was driving out to the Hamptons with an ex boyfriend. Boyfriend at the time and everything, literally everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Insane traffic, road closures, losing cell service in the Hamptons. Like somehow all of these uncontrollable factors though of like, oh my God, how's it all became my fault? He's screaming at me in the car saying, you should have thought ahead, you know, why didn't you print out the directions? I'm sorry, who owns a fucking printer? Like, oh, map quest. No one even knows what that is watching this show. Okay? But I remember I felt so shut down and just like attacked and upset and alone in that moment. And it's because when I look back, that was not just a one off, that was a theme in that relationship. And I know we're talking about travel, but again, I'm saying these are themes. The difference between the way Matt and I were handling that extends into our life. The way that my ex and I were handling that extended into our life. So advice is pay attention. When things are stressful, does your partner get angry and just blame you and the world when shit is going wrong or do they actually have the wherewithal to dig deep and face the discomfort with you and if anything, double down on being a good partner, step up for you. I think this also can tie into the more day to day disagreements and arguments that you might get into. Like when it comes to how your partner handles conflict, some things I think that you could consider are, can they take accountability? Can they acknowledge mistakes and apologize? Like my mom was pointing out, like, if every fight you have feels super intense and exhausting, that is not suspended sustainable. You should be able to have a disagreement, hear each other out and arrive at common ground without this becoming a multi day argument. It may not sound like a huge deal, but if you aren't compatible in this area, it can really start to up other parts of your relationship. Because when you don't feel seen, understood, taken care of, you start to get resentful and distrustful of your partner. Small disagreements are constantly blown into something much bigger. Like, let me give you an example. I had a relationship where sometimes the guy would put down my career and I would constantly tell him in the moment how much that hurt me. And instead of taking accountability, and whether he was, you know, explaining his intentions or even just apologizing and whatever, he just refused to engage and would brush it off with a, okay, you're being sensitive. I didn't mean it like that. And then it would happen again. And we were constantly having all of this conflict, but never ever getting any resolution because he wasn't willing to engage in any. In any honest, accountable way. And so then I would be like, so then you. So then you as the person that's like, wait, why won't they take accountability? You end up just kind of sweeping it behind you. But then when it keeps happening, you're like, what? Wait, and you're never gonna grow as a couple. I think that accountability, it's a non negotiable daddy gang. It is absolutely essential to have a partner who knows when they have hurt your feelings or done something wrong, who then can own it and apologize. And I get it when I'm saying that we're all sitting here and we're.
- [50:29]
A
Like, of course, of course, of course.
- [50:31]
C
That's life. It's not just romantic. It's, you know, work and friends and partners and family. Guys actually ask yourself, because I've been in it. I'm giving you my examples of like, when you are in a relationship with someone, it's. It can feel really small. It's not that overt of like, I'm not gonna apologize, Casey. It's. No, it's. It's. It's the slight little deflection. It's the slight little gaslighting of just like, oh, well, sorry you felt that way. No, no, no. Not sorry. Sorry. I. Any. Any lack of accountability. I really don't think that you can have a relationship with someone like that. And when they say I'm sorry, it should be because they genuinely mean it. And they want to learn and to grow from it because they love you and they don't want to upset you, and they want to grow as a partnership. And they shouldn't be saying I'm sorry because they're Trying to people please and avoid any type of conflict and just get it over with and move on. Guys, every couple is going to argue at some point. Matt and I argue. That is life. But what matters is how you do it, how you fight, how you argue. You should be able to express how you feel without fear of retaliation. And that is something that my mom growing up, always instilled in my siblings and I with whatever romantic relationship we were engaging in. And she talked about it at dinner. She talked to us about how your partner should listen to you and work to make you feel heard and vice versa. You should do this all for them as well. They should never stonewall you by ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment. Like, if you. If this person's giving you the get out, get the out. Because that's just manipulation 101. I feel like I've seen a lot of couples get to the point where they just stop bringing things up, right? Like, my mom was talking to me about this. One of her friends has gotten to that point where it's just like, it's not even worth it. It's not even worth it to bring it up, because they know they're never gonna get any resolution. And it's like, you deserve better. You don't have to settle for that. If you are settling for that, you are essentially alone. That's not a partnership. You're just coexisting. You shouldn't emotionally feel exhausted at all times, and therefore you just start avoiding and ignoring your feelings. Something I saw recently online that really got me thinking, and I want to pose the question back to you guys is, would you be insulted or would you take it as a compliment? If someone said, you're so similar to your partner, you remind me so much of your partner, would you be like, what the fuck? Take that back. Or would you be like, oh, my God, I really appreciate that, because you respect the fuck out of your part. Which would it be? That. That. Ask yourself that. Today, that could end almost. That could cut off a hundred thousand relationships right there. People could be like, oh, well, when you put it like that, give me the. Away from that loser. Right? Obviously, how the two of you exist in your relationship is so important, but they also need to be an individual that you respect. It's so important that you can both individually grow and. And then grow together as a couple and be supportive of each other in that process. That's what my mom. Not even just at this dinner. Something that, you know, I always have asked my mom about with my dad and her is like, my parents have gone through so many different life phases. I remember growing up and my dad was primarily the breadwinner and my mom, although was working, but she was kind of part time working because she was taking care of us. And I remember when my dad lost his job. And I remember when my mom and him, I just remember as a kid, them having like the longest conversations after dinner. They'd be like, you guys like go play outside or whatever. And they would just sit there and you could just tell they were like tag teaming. This thing of like, what is our move? What is. This is completely shifting your identity. My identity, the kid, we need to figure this out. And so I remember that where my mom stepped up and my dad pivoted and all these things happened. And then now I'm watching them grow and it's like, oh my God, my father just retired. My mom is still wanting to work. Like there's all these dynamics at play. But what my mom has always talked about is the way, yes, step one was the foundation and the values and all that. And then we had to grow together. And I think a lot of times people struggle to. If you're growing, sometimes we are like, is our partner growing with us? And it's. And it's a lot to navigate because it's three dynamics. It's you, them, and then the us. And my mom just said, the thing that has kept your father and I together through all of it is like we are in lockstep with growing and pushing each other to be better. And that is such an inspiration to me because I idolize my parents and their relationship. I literally, the reason I didn't want to get married at one point, it was my life because I was like, I'm never going to find what they have. And so it's like that point. Think about that, right? Ask yourself, is your partner actively doing the work and looking for areas in their life to improve and evolve, or are they just kind of coasting through life? Pay attention to how your partner treats their body, their career and their hobbies. Right? The baseline expectation you should have is that your partner is taking care of themselves. Do they exercise? Are they eating right? Like, of course. Like guys, we all eat, like at times. But like, are they doing some type of, do they have some type of daily routine? Do they show up on time to work? Or are they constantly going out, getting up and kind of letting their body run on autopilot? I'm not saying these things at all for vanity or because you need to like, go find a gym, bro. Or, like, go be the healthiest people ever. I'm not. I'm just saying the way that someone cares for themselves says a lot about how they care for other people.
- [57:22]
A
Call her Daddy. Is brought to you by McDonald's. All new Buffalo Ranch Sauce. Yeah, you heard that right. Okay, New Buffalo Ranch sauce has arrived. I couldn't be more hype.
- [57:35]
C
Okay?
- [57:35]
A
And it pairs perfectly with your snack wrap, which I love more than anything. McCrispy sandwich. Or it also can go with the McCrispy strips. Okay. Personally, my favorite is the snack wrap. It's got the tangy zang of buffalo with the creamy cool of mild ranch. It's mild and wild at the same time. A sauce that balances itself and complements McDonald's crispy chicken. Here's the thing. You know I love a good ranch. And you know I love a good buffalo. So, boom, boom, boom, we got it all. There's a new sauce in Town at McDonald's. Tangy Creamy Buffalo Ranch. Available for a limited time at participating McDonald's while supplies last. Everyone that listens to this podcast knows the way that I feel about Hidden Valley Ranch, okay? It has been in my life through and through since honestly, I feel like I came out of the womb, okay? And I am so excited for Thanksgiving because obviously I am going to have Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning a part of my ingredients. Okay? Hidden Valley Ranch tastes amazing on so many of your favorite foods. You might already love enjoying Hidden Valley Ranch with wings and pizza, but there is so much more flavor to explore. Daddy Gang. Adding a ranch twist to your favorite dishes will make Hidden Valley Ranch the star of your holiday table. And I know for a fact because.
- [58:50]
C
I have been doing it. Okay?
- [58:52]
A
Hidden Valley Ranch Spinach Dip. Made with the Hidden Valley Ranch Dip mix, it is an easy to make classic that's sure to impress guests at your holiday gathering. Like girls, get the Hidden Valley Ranch Spinach dip. I am telling you, you are going to be the star of the night. You want to make something about yourself.
- [59:09]
C
Boom. You use the Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning.
- [59:11]
A
Also because that is. It can be versatile. You can use it over many different courses, but it is guaranteed to just taste so delicious. So you know the drill, Daddy Gang. Find your favorite Hidden Valley ranch products at walmart.com/hidden valley.
- [59:25]
C
When it comes to their career, do they have ambition? Do they have a good work ethic? What is their relationship like with their boss and their co workers? A lot of times, if your partner feels successful and secure in their own life, then they will bring over that sense of safety to the relationship that they're in as well. But if they feel unstable and without purpose, then that's what they're bringing into the relationship. Again, I want to be so clear. This doesn't mean that you have to always be in a job. People get laid off. They are. We are going to struggle. They're all of this. What I'm just saying is, are you with someone who. Do they have a passion? Or how about this? How are they just showing up in their daily life? How did they approach life? Is this person a functioning human being? Do people respect them? Do people like being around them? Do people go to them for advice? Do people respect their opinion? Do people like them to be at the party, the function, the event? Are people excited when they see this person? You don't need a perfect partner, but you do need someone willing to evolve. Because if you're doing all the growing in the relationship, professionally, emotionally, financially, mentally, it's going to become really unbalanced really fast. And that just won't work in the long run. So as we wind down, like my therapist says, whenever she says that, I'm like, okay, I'm like, oh, I see how it is. We were just hitting our stride and now the 50 minute mark hits and she's like, anyway, you're like mid trauma. And she's like, like, we will discuss this next week. You're like, no, listen, I get that this is a lot. I also need to again preface this of like, I don't have a picture perfect relationship. I have things that I need to work on in my relationship. I just felt like this week after I was so inspired by my parents, I was so inspired by the other couples that I spoke to. And I recognize that whether there's people in the world that you didn't have the example in front of you growing up, whether you don't have maybe people around you that you can use kind of as a sounding board. Maybe you've had a lot of relationships that you're trying to break out of patterns. Like, we're all coming from a different perspective and place. But if you're sitting right now, right listening and you're like, damn, okay, I like, I like this. But it honestly, I feel like maybe this is just too much to ask for. There's just. This is like, I can't expect this, Alex. Like, this all sounds great, but like, there's not actually someone out there that's gonna align with me on all these values and be able to meet me, blah, blah. I promise you, it is not expecting too much. You are not asking for too much. You are just with the wrong person. To be clear, I'm not telling any of you to just like run out right now and dump your boyfriend or your partner. I think what I'm trying to tell you is just think about what you're willing to compromise on. Not in the short term, in the long run. And think about what you already have been compromising on and what you absolutely need to be aligned on. Because in order to have a healthy, stable, long term relationship, it's so fun when there's passion and it's the early stages and it's the honeymoon, but when that wears off and you're stuck with the real life, that's when being on the same page with your partner is.
- [63:33]
A
Really, really gonna matter.
- [63:36]
C
When you're aligned on the big things, you build a solid foundation in your relationship. The little stuff, it just makes it seem so much easier to navigate together. So, yes, people can grow and change, but there's a limit. And you can't force someone to completely alter who they are. And I will be honest, I really struggled with that for a really long time. Like, I'm coming to you guys being like, I have been in so many relationships that whether some up, some actually quite healthy, that I was like, this is gonna be it. But then it's like, I genuinely believe that doing the work, you will find your partner. You can't redesign your boyfriend to fit your exact needs, right? But there comes a point where you do need to accept that they are who they are. And that's not easy. But I also want you guys to leave knowing, and I wish someone would have told me this when I was younger of like, you are never asking for too much, you are asking for the right things. And now you just have to figure out if you're with the right person that can give it to you and meet you there. So I know this topic can feel a little heavy, but I really hope this episode reminded you, like, you're not alone in feeling the pressure. This is one of the biggest life decisions you're ever gonna make, right? This is heavy. Whether you're dating with intention, you know, questioning your current relationship, or you're maybe you're reflecting on your marriage, the point is, this is real, it's deep, and it matters. So take your time, prioritize this, prioritize yourself, and ask the hard questions. And most importantly, ladies, trust your fucking gut. Because like I said earlier, I have a feeling. When I look back at my previous relationships, most of the time I didn't even need to ask the person a lot of these questions to know the answers. People show you who they are. You can fill in the blanks and the context clues and don't let yourself keep convincing. They're going to change. It's going to change. It's going to change. I know I say this all the time, but, you know, she is my North Star. My mom, since day one, has always said anything that bothers you in your relationship is only going to get worse when you get married and when you have kids and when life just keeps happening. So if it's bothering you now and it's a big pain point in your relationship, none of that. All the. The milestones are going to fix it. The marriage, the wedding, the kids, the holidays, the house, none of that's going to fix because it's just you and them with your heads on those pillows at night. And when the kids leave and they go to college or something happens and someone's sick, do you like who you're sitting next to? And no one can answer that for you except for yourself. So I hope this was helpful. I hope that you guys can take something from it and always know that I'm not judging. And I'm always just hoping that anything that I'm learning in my life, whether it's through therapy or throughout, through family or through friends or through resources, that I can give it to you guys and hopefully it can help in your life in some capacity. So, Daddy gang, you know the drill.
- [67:17]
A
I will see you next Wednesday.
- [67:19]
C
Goodbye.
- [67:35]
A
Today's episode was sponsored by Yves Saint Laurent's iconic Lieb eau de parfum. This daring yet distinctly warm floral and feminine fragrance is for those who do what they want and dare to be exactly who they are. Shop now at Sephora. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by McDonald's All New Buffalo Ranch sauce. Yeah, you heard that right. Okay, New Buffalo ranch sauce has arrived. I couldn't be more hype.
- [68:03]
C
Okay.
- [68:03]
A
Okay. And it pairs perfectly with your snack wrap, which I love more than anything. McCrispy sandwich. Or it also can go with the McCrispy strips. Okay. Personally, my favorite is the snack wrap. It's got the tangy zang of buffalo with the creamy cool of mild ranch. It's mild and wild at the same time. A sauce that balances itself and compliments McDonald's crispy chicken. Here's the thing. You know I love a good ranch. And you know I love A good buffalo. So boom, boom, boom. We got it all. There's a new sauce in Town at McDonald's. Tangy Creamy Buffalo ranch. Available for a limited time at participating McDonald's while supplies last. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Lifelock. This time of year, most of us are checking off our holiday gift lists. But identity theft has lists too, and your personal information might be on them. Protect your identity with Lifelock. Lifelock monitors millions of data points every second and alerts you to threats that you could miss if your identity is stolen. Lifelock will fix it, you guaranteed or your money back. Make the season about joy, not identity theft. With Lifelock, save up to 40% your first year@lifelock.com daddy terms apply. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Roka. Okay, I know it sounds insane, but.
- [69:15]
C
I think I want to take up pickleball. Matt and I have been like, okay, we're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do a little couple thing together.
- [69:21]
A
And what am I going to be wearing when I'm playing pickleball? Because I want to look good and stylish. Roka makes eyewear for people on the move and the one chasing life and wanting to look good.
- [69:32]
C
Doing it with Roka.
- [69:33]
A
Elite performance meets versatile style. So you don't have to choose between durability and a look you actually want to wear. So daddy gang, you know you will be seeing me. It's going to be the frame. It feels light as air for all day comfort.
- [69:46]
C
The C3 optic lenses sharpen color, contrast and clarity for a full spectrum experience. And with gecko grip, more sweat just means more hold.
- [69:54]
A
And get this, they're also available in prescription. I will be boom on the pickleball court.
- [70:00]
C
You won't even know. You won't even even know what hit you. Okay, I'm going to be look amazing. Amazing.
- [70:06]
A
So if you're looking for eyewear that.
- [70:07]
C
Keeps up with your whole life, Rokas.
- [70:09]
A
Your brand, check out roka.com and use code Daddy20 for 20% off your order. That's R O K A dot com with code Daddy20 for 20 off ROKA for people who give a shit.