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Nikki Glaser: Foreplay, Fetishes, & Face Lifts
01:18:27
Join Alex in the studio for an interview with Nikki Glaser. The girls reflect on their best sex conversations from their early careers, unpack Nikki’s favorite fetishes, and get real about plastic surgery and comment culture. Enjoy!
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- [00:00]
A
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B
with Call Her Daddy.
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A
Nikki Glazer. Welcome to Call Her Daddy.
- [02:55]
B
Thank you so much, Alex girl, I
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A
don't even know where to start. You've had, like a crazy couple years. You have become a household name after I feel like the Tom Brady rose. It felt like your life changed forever.
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B
Yeah, that was it then.
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A
You have hosted the Golden Globes twice. You just signed up to do a third one.
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B
Yep.
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A
You have a new special coming out. You've been busy.
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B
So busy.
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A
Congratulations.
- [03:17]
B
Thank you. But you know, like, when it's like you work for so long and then when finally people start asking you to do stuff, you like, can't say no because it's always ingrained in you early on. Like, don't turn down anything because that's how you get good. And so it's like, I just have to say yes to everything. Because you also are like, you know, you look at other people's careers and like, they have this. You know, people will have a pop. And even the most famous people in the world go through a dip. And you just think like, okay, that dip is just coming. So I just gotta do as much as I can now while people like me.
- [03:44]
A
Isn't that such a weird feeling? You're like, stay relevant at all costs.
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B
At all costs.
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A
But then you're like, am I a. Like, where do I draw?
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B
You feel like it sometimes. And you also feel like, like. And then sometimes people go, because I always tell my team, like, hey, let's just enjoy this because it's not always going to be this great. I hope you guys, like, stay with me through like the leaner years. And they're like, no, it's never going to fade. I'm like, name one person whose career hasn't taken a dip. Like, I'm talking about any.
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A
There's even, don't lie to my face.
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B
You have. It has to be that way. There's going to be ebbs and it
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A
does have to be that way. But you're not in.
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B
I don't need to worry about it yet. I don't think. I think I got a couple years.
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A
You're thriving.
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B
Okay. Yeah.
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A
I didn't know this until I Started researching you, that you're from St. Louis.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And then you moved to LA, and then you moved back to St. Louis?
- [04:32]
B
Oh, yeah. Like, after. So in. I went away to college and, like, started doing comedy and realized, oh, that's what I want to do. And by the time I, you know, my senior year of college, I got on Last Comic Standing, which was like, the American Idol for comedians. And I was like, you know, I just got to the semifinals, but I was like, this is enough to, like, move to Hollywood. So after college, I was. I did la, then I went to New York, then I went back to LA, then I went back to St. Louis a little bit. Then I went to New York, then I went to back to la. So I was always kind of jumping LA and New York, and then Covid hit, and I was like, I'll just go back to St. Louis and, like, hang out with my family. And then I just stayed.
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A
How does your family feel about you being in St. Louis?
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B
They love it. They love it. Like, they were so close, and they. They. And I'm on the road all the time, so I'm constantly going out and flying here to shoot something and coming back. So it's, like, always fun to just get back with them on, like, a Monday or Tuesday and, like, kind of rehash what I just did.
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A
You're not really giving Missouri thanks. Like, you're. Is that. I mean, I don't know. Is that a compliment?
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B
What most people think Missouri is like, thank you. But based on what I know, it' like. Like, you. Like, St. Louis is, like, St. Louis is cool.
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A
What is the best and worst thing of, like, St. Louis?
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B
I would say the best thing is just the. The chill factor and, like, just feeling like, you know, it's just, like, where I grew up, just being familiar with it, and people are being. People are really nice in the Midwest. Like, I get that a lot when people are like, you are so nice, and then they find out St. Louis, and they go, everyone from St. Louis is so nice. And so I really like that St. Louis is known for, like, nice people.
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A
It's also interesting that you just said that you're like, everyone's like, oh, my God, you're so nice. Because meeting you today, like, you are. I can tell your vibe, but I've only ever watched you on your fudgeing specials and your roast, so I'm like, not that I think you're an asshole, but you're so known for, like, roasting people so that it didn't even, like, cross My mind to be like, oh my God, Nikki Glaze. Like this like nice person and like, oh, you are.
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B
I really do. I like, it's weird to be like, I'm so nice. But I do pride myself on being a nice person. I think it's like a something that I would want if I pass someday. I want to be remembered as nice more than any other thing. More than popular, more than talented, more than funny. Like just nice. Because I think, I don't know, I just really take pride in that for some reason. And I do feel like I'm really nice. And it does like juxtapose so crazily with how I am on stage and especially roasting. Like, I feel like the roasting stuff comes from like a place of like the way I feel about myself. Like I've low self esteem and so like I am. I bully myself so hard that I am able to do it to other people because I'm able to do it to myself. So I think that's where I kind of. When I think about what I'm going to write about people, I'm like, what would devastate me if I was this person?
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A
I was going to say, I remember reading somewhere where you were like, I just think about like if I'm in a room and someone's going to roast me and I'm like, please don't say that one thing. And then they say it like, that's where you're coming from.
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B
Which is great thing that like devastates them.
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A
But I think this is good. This is a good PR to let everyone know, like, you're not an asshole, you're good at roasting, but you are a nice, sweet Midwest lady.
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B
Yeah.
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A
You being from the Midwest also, I can't help but think, I know your guy is from the Midwest, right? What is a Midwest man?
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B
Like love sports, wholesome. I mean like, I think every guy, like just. I like, I like a guy that, I don't know, like kind of a little bit like college, immature, preppy, like, I don't know, it's. You kind of are. I think you're attracted to whatever you were tracked to in high school. And for me, like the popular boys were like, played soccer, lacrosse, like preppy, like white hats, like, you know, like. I don't know. I think it's just a good smile. I don't know.
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A
I love how you just said you're like, like, you know, like the immature, like frat boy. I'm like, all of us are like, yes, but also like, we've tried to.
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B
We're working.
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A
We're working on it. Thank God I didn't marry the guy that I was attracted to in high school.
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B
Is he some version of it, though? Like, can you see? Like, yeah, but is he, like, an elevated version of that? A more evolved.
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A
Maybe I took it a little too far in high school.
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B
Okay, so you. You owed that kind of guy. But, like, basically that's the best thing to do. Like, burn out and be like, I can't do it anymore. And be like, I'm just like, discuss you the thing that you once were addicted to.
- [08:38]
A
Did you see this season of Love is Blind?
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B
Oh, yeah, I did.
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A
In Ohio. Yeah.
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B
Oh, yeah.
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A
So, like, that, to me, is like a Midwest man.
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B
Yes. I think so, too.
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A
And they. I think that they thought that Ohio was going to be like, this is going to be so fun. And I remember Nick Lachey in the reunion being like, I'm mortified that you guys are representing me as an Ohio boy, because I guess he's from Ohio.
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B
Yeah, yeah.
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A
And that Midwestern man, like, didn't come through as a gentleman.
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B
Yeah. But would you ever do Love is Blind if you were, like, a regular girl? I was thinking, like.
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A
Like, no. Would you? Because you were going to.
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B
I think I would.
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A
You were. Because you said if they were.
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B
If I was single, but, you know, I would. I would be. Really, Because I am. This is the thing that I don't like about that show is that they go, you know, like, this would have worked, but I have a type. And it's like, well, if you have a type, you don't go on. Love is Blind.
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A
Love is not blind.
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B
But that's not for you. Then if you. If you were someone and by the way, your type, clearly it hasn't worked for you, so maybe let go of your type.
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A
Don't you think, though, the only people that work is, yes, if there was love. But then they actually, like, oh, and I am attracted to the person. They're like, yes, I got lucky. The people that work. And so it's not blind.
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B
It's not blind. We've determined that. And it's.
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A
But it's still fun.
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B
But it's still fun. And I do. Like, you would. You can just hear if someone's hot. Like, I feel like most of the time it's really rare where someone's, like, really taken aback by what they get. I feel like there'd be clues or, like, just a voice. I think that's important. That's why I think, like, I guess Hinge has, like, where you can leave a voice message so you can hear their voice, because voice is huge. People don't think about.
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A
That's a good point. No one's ever been so taken aback.
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B
I. Yeah, that would be my biggest. That would be my biggest fear is, like, the wall parts, and he's like. And then you see their face kind of sink, and they're kind of, like, gently touching.
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A
But you've got a good voice, so you'd get far.
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B
Okay, thank you so much.
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A
Okay. We both started our careers kind of talking about the same topic, which was sex, and we talked a lot about sex. Yeah. Was that extremely intentional for you in the beginning?
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B
You don't know? I think it was, like, what was easiest for me. It was, like, the thing I what, like, felt like I wanted to talk about. Is that for. Same for you, like, at the forefront.
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A
That's what I was interested in every day.
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B
And people would always. You know, people often dismiss female comics because all they do is talk about their vaginas and sex. And it's so easy. And I go, it's easy for me to talk about that because. But why would you want me to do something that's not easy? Do you want to see Paul McCartney play pickleball or something? That's hard for him. Don't you want to see him do what's easy for a, you know, a musician to play? Why do you want me to talk about something that's do clean material, which would be hard for me to do? I don't know why. It just. At that time in my life, and I always said, as soon as I'm not interested in sex, I'll stop talking about it. And I kind of have. As I've gotten older and my libido is, like, kind of taken a dive, I do talk about it less. Like, it's become less and less a part of my act. And. And so I stayed true to that. But I just want to talk about what I'm interested in. And no one talked about sex when I was coming up. No one talked honestly about sex. So to, like, it was. I grew up before podcasting, I would have been all over podcasts, listening to girls talk, like, conversation, have conversations, frank conversations about what it's like to have sex. And so when I first started doing comedy, I was just like, I want to talk about this thing that I've been so scared of. I didn't have sex. I was 21 because I was scared. I didn't know what I was going to Be bad at it. I was scared I was going to be bad about it. I was scared. Like, what do you do with a penis? What do they look like? Like, how do you even start kissing a boy? Like, my friends would just hook up and they'd be like, and we made out, and we, you know, he went down on me, and I'm like, but how do you even. Like, he walks in your room, then how do you make out? Like, who makes the first move? Does he put your hand on your shoulder? I wanted, like, the mechanics of it to be prepared, and nothing prepared me for that. So when I was able to start talking freely about anything in the microphone, I was like, I'm gonna start telling girls like me who are scared what's up in there.
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A
I think that is so fucking normal. And then some people are so, like, disturbed by the concept of you being so comfortable.
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B
Yes.
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A
Speaking about sex, which half the time for me, also, it made me more comfortable with sex the more I spoke about it. Some of the times I was even overly talking about it, and I wasn't actually as confident as I was totally presenting, oh, no, me. But it made me more confident. Yes.
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B
It made me, like. It made me feel like when I was having sex, it was almost like I was collecting data to not, like, make fun of the person, but to just maybe make. Maybe make fun of myself. Like, I felt like. I mean, I still, like, sometimes during sex, I'm like, this is so weird what we're doing. It's so funny to me that we, like, just, you know, the idea of going on a date with someone and you're just getting coffee and learning about each other, but it's really to determine if you're going to, like, lick each other's genitals pretty soon. Like, which is so crazy. That's where you, like, pee from. There's, like, pee and poo down there, and we're gonna, like, put our mouths on it. Like, that was what. Like, in high school, I remember my friends started, like, blowing guys, and I was like, you did what? Like, putting your mouth where a guy pees from. I couldn't even comprehend it.
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A
No, it's crazy. I couldn't.
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B
I thought my friends had, like, gone to the dark side. I didn't understand how you could do that. And. And it still fascinates me to this day that we get so animalistic, we get so horny. That makes us dumb enough to be like, I want to put my mouth down there, yet I won't. Wouldn't share a soda With a friend because they might have a cold, but I'm gonna lick this guy's. That's crazy. That's funny.
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A
The licking of the. You're so right. It really takes it to another level where you're like, what's wrong? Us? But everyone's doing it. Well, maybe not the licking of the. But, you know.
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B
Yeah, but like, you. But that's what I learned. I used to have a bit about it that, like, I used to. The way I was able to initially have sex was I drank. Like, I finally got drunk enough where I could get comfortable and feel at ease to, like, hook up with a guy because it was so scary to me. And then I quit drinking when I was 27 or something. I forget. It's been a while, but 2011, I quit drinking and I just stopped hooking up because I was like, I. I just couldn't do it. I was too nervous. Like. And then I realized that I have to get horny enough to get drunk brain. Because when you're horny enough, you're just like. Like, if you've ever. Guys get horny so fast, they act like cavemen when they're. They'll go from, like, having a normal conversation, and they're like, so quick. They're so gross. And they're. But they. In their right mind, they would never make that face if you're like, make a funny face. They would never even make that face because it's so humiliating. Yet they become that because their brain becomes stupid. Because their horn. Their horny chemicals do exactly what drunk does to you. So you have to. Then to actually. For me to hook up, I would have to actually get horny, which was a foreign concept to me because I had never allowed myself to do it without alcohol getting in the way first.
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A
Well, and because half of the time when you're so young and if you are hooking up with boys, it's happening so quickly for them. And as a young girl, you're like, oh, I guess I'm supposed to be enjoying this. Meanwhile, like, nothing is happening downstairs.
- [15:21]
B
Like, shout out to all the girls out there that are hooking up for the first time. I'm talking, like, Girls in their 30s sometimes who have not had an orgasm. I have a friend that was like, I don't think I've ever had an orgasm. And I was like, that's normal. Then you haven't. Because you would know.
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A
You would know.
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B
You would know. I used to be that way too. Of, like, I. I mean, it feels okay. It feels good.
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A
Because he's not gonna give it to you. You can't rely on him giving you your first one. Okay? You gotta find it yourself, because they don't care. They're gonna be done before you even were starting to get in the movie.
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B
It's crazy how fast they get into it versus us. Like, it is truly insane. Like, I. And it there. I have done so many standup bits about foreplay and how important it is and almost, like, how hacky that is to even say, like, ladies, I always felt like an 80s comedian. Like, we need foreplay. Men don't do. Because I would even hear about foreplay and women complaining about it before I ever had sex. And I was like, guys hate when you joke about that. Like, guys always go like, oh, foreplay. I have to wine and diner. And so I was always like, I'm not gonna be a woman that complains about that. But then you start having sex, and you're like, how are you guys not just, like, rubbing over my jeans a little bit longer before you go in?
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A
Foreplay to them is a blowjob. And you're like, but I'm still. My pants aren't unbuttoned, Jeremy. Like, where am I in this equation?
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B
It's. It's like, please, any men who are listening just, like, bring back dry humping. Make her beg you to put it in. That's when you put it in. Because she will when she's ready. But it's. So when they try before and you are not, and you feel, like, insecure, like, there's something wrong with me. I'm menopausal or something.
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A
I had a boyfriend once who, like, really couldn't do foreplay that he then, like, sometimes would take a shower after sex, and then I would, like, bring out my. My vibrator after and, like, do it.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And he's, like, fully gone, thinking we had the time of our life. And I'm like, all right, here we go. Because right as he was finishing, that's when I just started getting into it. It's.
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B
It literally, it happens. I'm not kidding you. Like, almost every time. Like, it is really rare we sync up, and I have a. You know, a partner that I am able to communicate with and has seen my act a thousand times, telling, like, I need more. And, like, I just. It's. But then you just. I think we're so conditioned. And I still am. Is to, like, a man has a boner. Like, do something with it. Like, don't inconvenience him when he Has a boner. Like, he doesn't want to, like, kiss your neck and, like, whisper sweet nothings when he has a boner. Like, this is a. This is a problem we have to take care of right now. And I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. It's always so much about, like, I don't want to make men feel bad, bad or angry at me or resentful of me.
- [17:45]
A
And I can see so many women listening this. And it is so annoying that no one talks about that. We're like, I bet a majority of the women who are watching today, if they are in heterosexual relationships, they're like, yeah, I would say, like, the past, like, eight times I faked it. Unless you're with a partner who's like, I'm going to go down on you for 20 minutes, then we're going to get your vibrator out, Then we're going to get in it.
- [18:05]
B
Like, bring toys into the bedroom. Please, God. Like, it's men. I always say, like, don't be threatened by it because it's like, your dick alone is great, but your dick, like, is it. Let's say your dick's in a B plus. Like, in terms of just sex with just us. Like, and if my vibrator alone is probably an A, but together, A plus. I can't get to the A with alone. I need your dick, too. So you're contributing to the A plus. You're part of it. You need to be there to make it an A plus. Don't think it's just about the toy, but so does my vibrator they put together. We can change the world.
- [18:41]
A
Like, together.
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B
Like, toys need to be necessary when women are having sex without toys. I don't understand it. And maybe it's. I'm dependent on it. And, like, I can't. If I didn't have a toy, I wouldn't be able to masturbate. I couldn't just do my hand.
- [18:52]
A
Oh, no, no, no.
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B
I don't know how.
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A
I've had, like, some, like, dark days where, like, it dies and you're like, we gotta get through looking at your toothbrush.
- [18:59]
B
And, like, is that. Can I use my pulsar oral B. Like, it has vibrate on it.
- [19:05]
A
I've done it, but I've been happy. Like, I've tried with the fingers, like, a couple times because it got so dark. I know.
- [19:10]
B
And I can.
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A
I've done it a couple times where it was like, I really had to take my brain to an imaginative place, and I did It. But I don't choose that life. And I don't claim that I couldn't do that.
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B
When girls are. I'm really like, it's like speaking another language to me. When I find out, like, you've ever found a friend, like, speaks fluent Spanish or Russian or something, and you're like, what? Like, you're like, why haven't you been busting this out everywhere? Like, that's how I feel about women who can masturbate with her.
- [19:34]
A
But I feel like those are the girls that are fully having, like, squirting and orgasms in high school.
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B
And girls who were like, my friends were all masturbating in middle school, and none of them told me about it. And I felt so betrayed by, like, you know, in my 20s, I finally was like, I started masturbating. And they're like, oh, yeah. I've been doing that since I was 11. I go, 11? Why didn't. We talked about everything. Why didn't you tell me? I didn't even. It didn't even occur to me. We.
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A
I was the same as you. No one told me. And then in college, I was telling my friends, like, and. And I was like, oh, God. But I went to Catholic school.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So everyone was like, hush, hush about that shit.
- [20:05]
B
Yeah. But did you not masturbate because of shame or were you a little bit of both? I didn't know.
- [20:11]
A
And I thought it was just sex. I didn't know there was masturbating. And then when I started to, like, really understand, then I was like, oh, there's a thing called masturbating. But I thought it was only for men.
- [20:19]
B
Yes.
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A
So I didn't know there was, like, an option for women.
- [20:22]
B
Totally. I didn't either. And, like, even if I would, like, sometimes I would, like, scratch my vagina, I'd be like, that feels good. But it was never good enough for me to, like, keep going and figure that out. I just feel like I was kind of desensitized to my body. Although one time I do remember, like, sitting on a rail. I still, like, drive past the railing sometimes in St. Louis. It's on my friend's front porch. And it had like, like one of those, like, things that. On top of the railing, that's like a little bulb. And I remember, like, sitting on it and it, like, went up my butt a little bit. And I was like, that feels so good. Like, I remember feeling that, like, that feels good in a bad way. Like, you're a sick person. Like a butt plug. Like, it was like a butt plug on the. Like, we were waiting for our moms to pick us up, but I was like, I just remember that was the only memory I have of having a sexual feeling that was like, that's naughty. Like, I just got a feeling from something in my butt picturing you every time. To me, like, love anal sex. I do.
- [21:14]
A
I was gonna say, I feel like that was like, a little precursor to, like, what was to come.
- [21:17]
B
It was foreshadowing, for sure.
- [21:19]
A
I'm also dying at you and your friends and their mom wondering why. Why every time does she come to our house, she's, like, sitting her ass on top of our. She's, like, alone out there. She's not even home. Call her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. So many of my friends don't live in the same state as me. And so that means that we have to make extra, extra effort to make sure that we actually get to see each other and not let it go a year without all planning something. So my friends and I always make sure that we plan some type of trip. And that is where Airbnb comes in. We always enjoy being like, okay, it's someone's birthday coming up, or we need a little getaway or we want to go and celebrate. Whether it's someone's getting married, whatever it be, we find a reason to get together. And Airbnb has been such an incredible place to book and for us to stay. They have so many different amenities. They have big kitchens. Maybe you. If you want a hot tub, you can get a hot tub. If you want it to be on the beach, if you want to make sure they have a great kitchen, like, you name it, you can customize it to whatever you are looking for. Whether you need a place for the friend group or somewhere calm and relaxing for a solo getaway, you'll find all kinds of options to help make the perfect trip on Airbnb. Call her Daddy is brought to you by SoFi, the all in one finance app where you can bank, borrow and invest. Nobody really explains how your money is supposed to work for you, right? You just put it into a savings account and assume that's enough, right? But Daddy gang, the average bank Savings rate is 0.39 in interest, which basically means you're only earning pennies on your savings when it could be doing so much more. And that is where Sofi comes in. With so far high yield checking and savings, the money sitting in your savings account right now can earn over eight times the national average. With eligible direct deposit. And there is no account fees or overdraft fees, so you get to keep more of your money. You can also get your paycheck up to two days early. And when you sign up with eligible direct deposit, you can earn up to $300 welcome bonus, which we absolutely love to see. Okay, so if you're ready to get more out of your money, sign up for SOFI Checking and savings@sofi.com slash call her daddy. SOFI checking and savings is offered through SOFI Bank. NA member FDIC terms apply. Daddy Gang. We are so, so, so, so back. It's the moment. It is really truly the moment we've all been waiting for. Spring is finally here. Thank you, God. The UV is getting high enough to tan, the outdoor concerts are lining back up, and suddenly the group chat that went completely silent all winter, yes, it's popping off again. But none of that would be complete without a white claw. Okay, when the weather warms up, I am running to the store and grabbing some white claws. Their new blood orange flavor has become my go to. It comes in a variety pack and so everyone gets their favorite. I've already been stocking up to have my friends over for a little pool day. There's just truly nothing better than catching up as we lay out together. And yes, Bruce and Henry obviously get their own sunbed over there. The temperature in LA was literally almost 90 last weekend, which usually I personally would have hated. But I was actually so happy to be sitting in the pool sipping a crispy, crispy white claw and pretending I was back on last summer's Euro trip. Whether it's barbecues, brunches, or just girls night by the fire, I think we're all ready to make up for all the time we lost stuck inside this winter. Grab a pack from your local spot and grab life by the claw this spring. Please drink responsibly. Hard Seltzer with flavors. White Claw Seltzer Works Chicago, Illinois I love how also I brought this up more to say, like, we both don't talk about sex as much anymore. And then we were like, let's just, let's just go.
- [25:19]
B
Because I don't really talk about it as. I don't know, it's just, I've gotten it shamed out of me being in the business, being the, the more popular you get, the more you have to kind of like, tone it down and be more like TV friendly. Even when you're doing things that aren't censored. I know to like, be like, if I Want if Golden Globes want me to have me back. I can't be talking about anal all the time. But it's like, I'm not saying kids go out and do anal, you know, like, it's just something that I think it is.
- [25:45]
A
And I do think we're both lucky, though, that we did it in the beginning of our career. We're like, I do feel like I'm tapped out. Like, I do too. I'm like, have fun having fun with you right now. Because I can tell we're both on the same page.
- [25:55]
B
We're like, about our old days of, like, I'm bringing up bits.
- [25:59]
A
I used to do, like, 20 years fun. But it's like, it's not at the forefront of my brain or my brand anymore. But I did. Okay. I did get some quotes from both of us from our OG days. And I want you to tell me if it's a quote from me in the early days of Coloradi or do you think you said it in an og, like, stand up routine? Okay.
- [26:20]
B
Okay, okay.
- [26:20]
A
Okay.
- [26:20]
B
Oh, my God. Because I. I do forget so much
- [26:22]
A
of what I said. Trust me. Me too. I had my team pull this and some of these. I was in shock that I said this. Okay. Number one, I just want to be
- [26:31]
B
a. I think that's me.
- [26:33]
A
That's so you.
- [26:34]
B
I feel like it was just like sometimes I. I don't. Yeah, I do relate to that. Like, I just. I like to. I don't want someone to look at me like a whore when I'm, like, walking down the street. But, like, when I'm in the bedroom, I want a guy to be like, what the is wrong with you? Like, I really like to let my horror flag, freak flag fly in the bedroom.
- [26:53]
A
The way you were just so proud. You're like, that's me.
- [26:57]
B
You talk.
- [26:59]
A
That's me. So I don't even think that's you for a second. I'm sure we could find somewhere that you've said, without a doubt. No, no. But that was so you. Okay. That was you. Okay. I'm feeling light, tight, easy breezy, beautiful vagina.
- [27:17]
B
Okay.
- [27:17]
A
At first I was thinking that was
- [27:18]
B
you, and then I was like, I. I feel like I often put in the, like, the covergirl tagline to things, so I'm gonna say it's me.
- [27:24]
A
We are the same person. It's me. What? Dude, it's me. No, no. Easy breezy, beautiful. I do the same thing. It's me. Oh, my.
- [27:32]
B
Dude. See, I would have bet so much that was Me.
- [27:35]
A
It's pretty.
- [27:36]
B
You remember what you were.
- [27:37]
A
I just remember. I do remember saying that one on Caller Daddy. I have no idea why I was saying context. Yeah, but it's like, it's such a girl thing.
- [27:45]
B
Like, easy breeze. Read it again.
- [27:47]
A
I'm feeling light, tight, easy breezy, beautiful vagina.
- [27:52]
B
Yeah. Okay, so you're just having a good vagina day. And some days they're not like there's.
- [27:58]
A
Oh, well, next one.
- [27:59]
B
Ready?
- [28:00]
A
The cobwebs have formed and my pussy feels like it's shown sewn shut. The next time I have sex, I'll be a born again virgin.
- [28:08]
B
You.
- [28:09]
A
What the fuck was I on? When my team pulled this quote, I was like, the cobwebs have formed. It feels like it's sewn shut. And next time. I know it got too tight.
- [28:21]
B
You were tight. Tight and light, easy breezy. And then it got so tight, it got sewn shut and cobwebs had formed.
- [28:28]
A
When I'm rereading these things, I'm like, no, that's.
- [28:32]
B
These are fucking funny.
- [28:33]
A
This next one sounds like it would be you, but it is me. But now after that context, I said, put it in the ass, so I know what we're working with. Wait, you said that? I said that? But it feels like you would say that now, knowing you.
- [28:43]
B
Like, it does sound like I would. I think I already know what I'm working with by the time I say that, but I.
- [28:50]
A
You must have been referencing someone else or something. Without a doubt. I think I also just did it to, like, rage bait people. Like, I didn't like anal. And I would always just be like, put it in my fucking ass. Like, da, da, da, da. I thought people thought it was just funny. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. Like, and people would get so bad about that.
- [29:04]
B
So mad about stuff. It's like, you don't have to do it. And also, it's like, I just. Yeah, I mean, I could go on and on about this one's you.
- [29:14]
A
Oh, wait, no, I'm not supposed to tell you that.
- [29:15]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [29:16]
A
Okay, well, I'll read it to you. Okay. I swear to you, you can squirt. I didn't think I could. And now I know I can do anything.
- [29:24]
B
Yeah, that was me. And I haven't since that joke, I don't think. Because it's not like I could control it just has. It has happened a couple times. And you were like, by my own hand. I will say it was always my own creation. I don't want to give anyone else
- [29:36]
A
credit for that, because that is so important. To clarify, it's.
- [29:40]
B
It's been. It's been. It's happened where you're just like. Has that ever happened to you?
- [29:43]
A
No.
- [29:43]
B
Sorry to pry, but, like, I don't know if we're there.
- [29:45]
A
This is a safe space.
- [29:46]
B
No, I think it happened one. Or. I think one time that I can remember. Maybe another time. But it was. It was insane. Like, you literally feel like you spilled a glass of water.
- [29:56]
A
I thought that once, and I just peed myself. Yeah, because you're like, oh, it might. And sometimes men are so stupid. Like, you could pee a little and they'd think it was.
- [30:02]
B
Yeah, yeah, that's. That's smart.
- [30:03]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can fuck with that.
- [30:05]
B
Water broke.
- [30:07]
A
They'd also believe that. They're so fudgeing stupid. Okay. I have a vagina that resembles a hastily packed suitcase. That's me.
- [30:16]
B
What? I mean, that was just a joke about, like, how I have, like, lips. And, like, sometimes when you, like, shut a suitcase, when you're in a rush, there's, like, stuff hanging out of it. And so that was just a. That's good. That's. That's a descriptive way of describing. That's a way to describe my vagina that has haunted me forever. Like, people always are like, hey, sleep back, suitcase. So it's like, oh. So. But it's. You know, it's. It's. It has good days and bad. That stuck with you. Yeah, it's definitely. I shouldn't have shared that. Like, people don't. But I. I keep doing it, and for some reason, I feel like it gives. It makes. You know, you make fun of the things that you're insecure about so that you can take control of them. So if you make fun of it about me, I gave you that. So you don't really get to, like,
- [31:00]
A
win, like, when people come in my vagina. So, like, shut the up.
- [31:03]
B
Yes, exactly. Exactly. And anyone that has no complaints, like, I. It's well reviewed.
- [31:08]
A
So now that we're done with sex, like, do you have any topics that you're really thinking of, like, exploring in the future for your career?
- [31:15]
B
Because we got a long way to go, you know? Like, it's the stuff that I've been into, you know, I'm obsessed with, like, beauty and aging and what it means to be a woman and, like, how we are. How just the struggle of, like, wanting to, you know, be your own person and, like, establish who you are on the inside. And, like, that should matter. But also being like, well, a big part of any kind of brand when you're in show business as a woman is, like, how you look and presenting fuckable and trying to get to both women and men. You know, like, women like it when you look fuckable to men, too. And then men will say, well, we don't like big lips and we don't like a lot of makeup. And it's like, well, the women and the gays do, and they are determining what is marketable. And so we're trying, like, it's. I'm very fascinated by, you know, psychology and sociology and. And. But also just beauty in general. I think it's fascinating.
- [32:09]
A
Well, it's fascinating because, yeah, you kind of can't win as a woman. And there is obviously such a double standard that's like, it's tired of talking about at this point. But it's like, for women and our bodies and our looks, it's just such a fixation that you constantly are trying to pivot because you don't know where to meet. And when you are in this industry, you do have to kind of appease the people to some degree, or you just have to lean out and be like, I'm just going to be completely fudgeing, railroaded by everyone and told I'm like an ugly fuck if you don't give. If you don't try. And then they're like, she doesn't care about herself. So you're like, where do I. Or if you're trying too hard or if you're getting too much done.
- [32:49]
B
Yep, you like. Then there's, you know, people will always point to, like, well, Pam Anderson doesn't wear makeup anymore, and everyone loves it. It's like, well, we love that as a reaction to what she used to be. Like, if she came out of the gates like that, we wouldn't know who she is. No offense. She's. We should. She's an amazing talent. But that is. We love that because it was a reaction to that. And then people will always cite some woman who doesn't wear makeup and say, you know, I had a joke about. You know, people would say, well, you're a comedian. Like, you don't need to be hot. Like, you. Why do you care about looking hot? And I'm like, well, I'm a. I'm a brand, too. And also, I like being on tv. And I know what t. I'm smart and I know what works on tv. And people would say, but you're like Joan Rivers. Like, you don't need to be pretty. And I'm like, Joan would be so offended by that. By the way. Joan was so smart. One of the best joke writers of all time, best comedians of all time. And she was obsessed with her looks. Obsessed because she knew that's what mattered. And she felt ugly coming up and she would make fun of her looks and that people think she's ugly because she would call herself ugly. And they, and, and they felt like they could. And my joke was like, I do want to be Joan Rivers because I plan on dying on an operating table too. Which she did. She died going, undergoing a procedure, a medical procedure. And to stay, to look younger. It was on her, you know, vocal cords. But it was like about appearing younger and it's, it is important, unfortunately.
- [34:02]
A
I want to read a quote to you because another female comedian, Ali Wong, said about you. She said, for the longest time we were led to believe that physically showing any sort of sexiness was going to work against you. In Stand up, she's pulling off what some of us might have thought was impossible. And she's talking about you. I love. Do you agree with that?
- [34:21]
B
That is so nice. I would say I'm not trying to be like a trailblazer of like, women can be sexy and funny. I just, I like, I like pretty girls on tv. I always wanted to be one of them. And I wasn't in high school. Like, I always like, aspired to that. And so it's just when I have the ability to dress up and hire stylists who can elevate me and, and glam teams to like, make me the best looking version of myself, why wouldn't I utilize that? Like, it's kind of fun. But I will say that I, you know, the first comedian that I saw that I was like, I want to be like her was Sarah Silverman. And what I loved about Sarah Silverman was that she was stunning. She was so pretty and like every guy I knew was like, I love her and like, wanted to bang her. She was adorable. She was so approachable to women too. She was so pretty, so stunning, so cool and, and nice seeming. But she also said horrible things and like really dirty, crass, like things. But she also had this likability. And I was like, I'm really attracted to that where it's like, you can, you can look a certain way, but the stuff that comes out of your mouth is almost, you get away with more because of how you present. Not that it was ever intentional, but I, I, I, I always, you know, I I have to admit, like was important. I never felt pretty when I was young, and it was always something that bothered me, that I felt it was unfair and unjust that my sister was the pretty one and I wasn't. And I really resented it. And I have a complex about it. And so it's something that when I have the means to do so I pursue. I'm not doing everything I can, I'll tell you that. Like, there's a lot of stuff I'm not doing.
- [35:56]
A
Okay, hold on. Because you, yes. You have been so open of the things that you've gotten done. What is on your wish list?
- [36:03]
B
I mean, a facelift for sure is going to happen in the next, you know, two to five years, like, without question. Because, I mean, I went the other day, I got a little filler in my upper lip, and I haven't done filler for a while. I do Botox filler and stuff, you know, every year, six months, you know, Botox more regular. But. And he was just like, can I just show you some, like, stuff that I would maybe like. I didn't even ask. I've gone in for the facelift consultant consult before to multiple doctors and seeing what they could do, but he was showing me some stuff, and I was like, that's pretty great. Like, it's, it's. It just takes 10 years off your face. It's not that noticeable. The problem is, is the recovery. Like, I just, I don't. I think it's. Does not talked about enough. Women are just like, yeah, she got a facelift. And I'm always like, she went. She had to be off camera for months and months and had to stay inside and had drains in her face. It's painful. Like, it's. That's the part that I'm like, yikes.
- [36:54]
A
Like, no, you're so right. Everyone's talking about facelifts nowadays because it's like, get rid of the filler, get rid of the Botox. Just get the facelift. And I'm like, they don't talk about
- [37:01]
B
the recovery at all. Like, even people have done it. I'm always like, tell me about the recovery. And they kind of. It's almost like childbirth. They kind of forget the pain of it and they go, just do it. And you. But I recently, someone really close to me just went through one, and it is brutal. Brutal and is. And, you know, I was hanging out with someone who had a facelift two years ago, and she's like, oh, my face is still numb all over here. I can't feel anything. I mean, she looks. Looks stunning, but it's like, there's. It's super risky, too. I'm. I. I always look at people who have face work. I'm never like, oh, they, like. I've never been one to judge any woman that's done face work. If anything, I'm like, she's so brave. Have your face cut open and it might not look good. What if it doesn't look good?
- [37:40]
A
But even you hearing all these things, do you think you're gonna do it?
- [37:42]
B
Yeah, because I'm gonna pick someone that is, like, never failed and has done all the women that you just.
- [37:47]
A
You, you know, you're talking about.
- [37:49]
B
I think, yeah. I mean, there's a couple of them, but I know what.
- [37:51]
A
Who were both. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [37:53]
B
And you pick the guy who. It's this new thing that has happened with facework in the past, I would say two years, two or three years, where it's just an actress that has been around for like, 15, 20 years, and she's always been pretty. But some. Something happened in red carpet. You go, huh? I never really. She was a supermodel. People, like, don't even think because it looks so.
- [38:13]
A
It's so natural.
- [38:14]
B
Stunning and natural. People just go, I guess I've just been missing the boat on this one. And then they go, you know, I got to take whatever probiotics she's taking.
- [38:20]
A
That's a facelift, babe.
- [38:22]
B
It's always a facelift. And that's why it's so funny to me when people go, don't get face work. It's gonna look horrible. I'm like, but you.
- [38:28]
A
It.
- [38:28]
B
That's a. A bias that you have because you're only noticing the bad stuff because you don't notice the good stuff. You just think, she's drinking more water.
- [38:34]
A
It's so.
- [38:35]
B
Because that's what she told you she did. Because they have to lie, because if they tell you the truth, they'll get shamed for it completely. You know, it. It. Having a face that is manicured in that way is just a status symbol of I'm wealthy. So it's not a way to show people you're beautiful or fuckable. It's to show people I have money. Even a fucked up face, I have. It's a way to. It's like a car.
- [38:56]
A
I have money.
- [38:57]
B
It's the new status symbol. To not have a normal face is to tell people I have money. Which is very important in our society now to just promote how wealthy you are. And that's the new way to do it.
- [39:08]
A
That is a really good point. Do you think there is a thing as Botox blindness?
- [39:13]
B
Oh, yeah. I mean, I think that it.
- [39:14]
A
Because for Botox, I feel like. Well, I guess I've seen it if people, like, pull it up too high, but I feel like those are, like, brow lifts. Yeah, like Botox. I don't think, like, if you can't move your forehead, like, who cares?
- [39:24]
B
It. I don't think it matters. I feel like when girls. There's so many girls, friends of mine from, you know, like, high school and college who are just. They won't do anything because they're so scared. I'm like, it's like girls back in the 40s and 50s, people, women were so embarrassed to find out to, like, reveal that they dyed their hair. And Botox is the new that. It's like, it's not shameful anymore. We're all doing it and it makes you look better. And it is expensive, but it's. It's. You would never imagine, like, having to hide that you got highlights. But that used to be a thing that women were completely. They, like, did a box dye on their hair, and now it's like, who gives a.
- [39:57]
A
Like, I remember. I remember girls will post online and be like, oh, my God. Like, I told my boyfriend I was getting Botox and he started freaking out. Then I came home and he's like, when are you going to do it? And she's like, well, I did it.
- [40:05]
B
Like, I thought if a guy freaks out, they're just scared you're gonna leave them. They're insecure that you're gonna leave them because you're gonna be too hot. That is like, like, such a red flag. If guys like, no, you're beautiful the way you are. I get that. And I do believe that some guys are like, I don't change your face. I love the way your face is. But there's a secret part of me that thinks when guys are like, don't get anything done is like, don't upgrade. Because I can only have you if you look this way. And you would leave me if you could upgrade because I'm not good enough.
- [40:31]
A
So true.
- [40:31]
B
And that's what's going on most of the time. Like, I always just see, like, this is a separate issue. But, like, you know, like, I've been in relationships like this before where you get really dressed up and the guy, like, won't say anything, and, you know, he notices, like, you look stunning and you've just Worked on it. It is because they, and I know so many girls listening right now have been through this where you're like, you put in so much effort and they, you see them see it and they don't say anything. They are not saying anything because they're insecure that if they build you up too much, you'll leave them and you'll have too much self esteem and you'll do better than them. It is always that. It's not that they don't think you look hot at all. Or they might be like, what's that red lip? It's because they're literally threatened.
- [41:09]
A
I promise the red lip.
- [41:10]
B
Never. Like, they think something on you is what's such a good orange. No. And this goes for girls too. If anyone is ever insulting any beauty thing you get, they are threatened by it. And you have to remember they're jealous. Otherwise they wouldn't say anything if they really didn't like it. What do you do when you don't like something that your friend is wearing? You don't call it out. No, you don't say anything. You talk about it. Maybe your friend behind her back it, but you don't say it to her face. The only reason anyone ever insults you is because they like what you did and they're threatened.
- [41:38]
A
It's such a good fudge point and
- [41:40]
B
you need to remember it because girls are always like, she said the meanest thing to me and I'm like, it's not because your hair's busted. It's not because you look bad. It's because she's jealous.
- [41:49]
A
Dude. A boyfriend like that can take you down, down.
- [41:54]
B
Because you, like, you're looking to him for all your confidence because he has created a world in which no other men can compliment you. So he's your only source of getting any kind of positivity about your sexuality. Because if you posted a bikini pic on Instagram and guys commented, he would call you a or be jealous of that so you can't search for anywhere else.
- [42:12]
A
No, you're completely beholden.
- [42:13]
B
The only person that's giving it to you isn't. And you feel like, I must be disgusting. And so then you're trapped in that.
- [42:28]
A
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- [45:28]
B
Chris.
- [45:29]
A
Yes. You guys have been together for over a decade. On and off, though, right?
- [45:33]
B
On and off, yeah.
- [45:35]
A
Why have you guys been so on and off? Off?
- [45:38]
B
Because I think if any couple's being really honest, they would be on and off, too. If you could really take a break from your husband. Not you, but, like, in a general, you. You maybe would. And we just do. Or at least I. I will call for one when I see it's necessary to.
- [45:56]
A
Like, how do you call for one?
- [45:57]
B
I just say, like, I don't want to, you know, do this right now anymore. Like, I'm not having fun in our relationship. You know, like, when you're going through a phase of, like, I don't really want to be around this person. Like, and he will feel that. Like, it's, you know, I think. And also, like, I. I didn't. He's, like, been my first boyfriend, like, ever. Like, I had some, like, stuff. We met when I was 29 and. And I'm 41 now, so he's been the only consistent thing. And I had some flings when we would be, like, you know, in our off years, but he's my only, like, boyfriend. So there's sometimes that urge of, like, what if I haven't experienced the. The best that I could have? And, like, this is hard right now, so I just don't want to do it. Can we just put this on hold? And, like, like, and if we're meant to be, we'll come back together because we always do when we haven't found anyone else. Or, like, there isn't something better. Like, I don't know. I just feel like I would like to be in a relationship that I could call off whenever I want and take a break and not have to, like, keep in touch all the time and talk.
- [46:53]
A
But do you. When you take a break and you're like, okay, let me go see if I, like, like anyone else. Have you ever then, like, gone on dates and been like, it makes me miss him more because this person is such a loser in front of me.
- [47:04]
B
Yeah, well, like, I used to have a joke that was like, you know, we break up and then I date other guys and I look back at him and I'M like, oh, my God. He's the best I can do. And that's kind of what you realize sometimes is like, I thought I could do better in whatever way. Like, not looks wise or whatever, but just, like, he's not doing this for me. So I'm gonna find a guy that does this. And then you realize, oh, no, he's lacking all these things that he had. So, yeah, that has happened. I have definitely we've. Because we've been, like, broken up before. Not just like, a break, and I've, like, had other things. But, yeah, it's like, we got back together after being broken up for, like, four years because I moved back to St. Louis during COVID He's also from St. Louis, and we were both back there, and we're like, let's just hang out. And then that just turned into.
- [47:42]
A
It worked out.
- [47:42]
B
Yeah.
- [47:43]
A
How does he deal with. Because even though he's a producer, like, you make some crazy jokes that are great jokes. Has there ever been one that pushed him over the edge, where afterwards, you guys get home and you're like, okay, this is for sure.
- [47:56]
B
I think there's bit. You know, I think there's been times for everyone in my life that's been close to me where they've gotten stung a little bit by something I've said that just was a little too honest. And, like, you know, I was watching Hacks last night, and, you know, Jean Smart's character was, like, said something that hurt her daughter's feelings. She was like, I don't know why it's so much easier for me to say this stuff to strangers than to the person that it's for. But sometimes I, like, would air out an anger thing that I was resenting, and I put it in a joke joke, not even thinking, I hope he hears this and he gets it. But it would just, like, I would realize after the fact, he would be like, that one joke, like, kind of seemed unnecessary. And I'd be like, oh, yeah. I think subconsciously I was trying to hurt your feelings. Like, I. I would never do it consciously, but there's been stuff like that. But he actually kind of, you know, as always, said, which is something I really admire about him, is that if it's funny, you can do it. Like, as long as it gets a laugh. If it doesn't, and you're just, like, being a dick. Yeah.
- [48:49]
A
How did he feel when you said that you would shoot him in the face for a chance to blow Tom Brady?
- [48:53]
B
He was there when that joke was written. And I turned to him and I was like, is that okay? And he's like, yeah, it's great. And I was like, are you sure? And I was like, but I'm going to, like, reference you and look at you and, like, do, like a thing like, you're my boyfriend. I love you, and then I'm going to shoot you in the face. And he was like, it's. If. He was like, let's try it out tonight. Like, you know, I was trying. He was like, and if it works, of course, like, he didn't care at all because he knows. He's like, it's genius. And it's such a clear joke, too. I think that's the other thing. When something. That's the good thing about comedy is that even stuff that's real that might be insulting to him, as long as it's getting a laugh, it's okay by his definition. But even if it's like his parents see it or his friends see it, there's always the guise of like, she's just joking.
- [49:35]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [49:35]
B
Like, that thing that might be real, what I'm talking about, that's just a joke.
- [49:39]
A
It's a joke.
- [49:39]
B
Yeah.
- [49:40]
A
Oh, that's nice cover.
- [49:41]
B
It's always a cover. And that's good. And that is nice and. Cause sometimes it is a joke. Sometimes it's, you know, a hyperbole. I'm exaggerating. But a lot of times I will say people think things are jokes, and I'm like, that's absolutely true.
- [49:52]
A
Like, that was 100%.
- [49:52]
B
Or someone thinks it's real. And I'm like, that was so made up.
- [49:55]
A
Like, oh, you've got it made.
- [49:57]
B
Like, yeah, there's. There's. But that's. That protects me for sure.
- [50:00]
A
Do you have a celebrity hall pass?
- [50:04]
B
You know, I think, like, you know,
- [50:07]
A
I think there's as.
- [50:08]
B
I'm like, you're like, say who it is, because it would just, like, I think that would actually be mean that it was eliminated because he would be like, well, that's you trying to make it happen. Has to happen naturally or something.
- [50:19]
A
Do you think you could hook up with this person?
- [50:22]
B
I think that. I think he's a really good guy. And he would. He was always said, like, you know, especially after the Tom Brady rose and after my star kind of rose to these, like, new levels of, like, being around a Listers, he's like, if there is someone that you your whole life have, like, longed for and they want to fudge you, like, you should, like, that's Too good. Like, and not that he wants that. And he would get turned on by it at all. Like, there's none of this, like, cuckold stuff that he's just like, wants me to have the experiences that, and that is like, that's like asking someone to not collect their lottery winnings. Like, it's so rare to get to where I am in life where that would ever happen. And it hasn't happened. And I wouldn't even want it to because, like, the circumstances in which it would have to happen. I'm like, well, could I DM them? He's like, no, you can't pursue it. It has to be, like, natural.
- [51:04]
A
I'm like, well, that's never going to happen for me. So have you ever met your whole pass?
- [51:09]
B
I'm trying to think of the what? Yes, I have. And he is, like, married with kids, but he's like my whole pass from like, my crush in like, okay, high school.
- [51:16]
A
Okay, okay.
- [51:16]
B
So there's one on my mind, but there's like, probably another one that I would be like, oh, yeah. But he would never be into me because of, like, age stuff.
- [51:25]
A
Younger, older, I don't know.
- [51:28]
B
But I'm, but I, but I, like, in a relationship, I don't really care if my boyfriend were to hook up.
- [51:36]
A
Okay, I read about that. Yeah, we need to talk about that.
- [51:38]
B
But that is not a two way street. Like, I'm, I'm not someone who likes to hook up when I'm in a relationship. I'm not really, like, I don't really care about that. I, you know, but I don't care if someone else were to hold on. In fact, I, like, kind of like it. It's kind of, it's a problem, I think.
- [51:53]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we need to talk about this. You told Howard Stern that commitment felt like admitting defeat or settling. Do you still feel that way?
- [52:04]
B
No, I don't feel that way anymore.
- [52:05]
A
I feel.
- [52:07]
B
No, I mean, there, innately, it is settling. You do not know that the person you are with is the best person for you. You haven't, there's too many people on this planet you haven't met on any of them. You never will. So you have to settle.
- [52:20]
A
Okay.
- [52:21]
B
There could be someone better for you. And statistically there probably is. There's, you know, like, there is the odds that you met the person out of 8 billion people on the planet that's best for you are kind of low. But, but I, I, I do think that whoever you end up with, luckily, people end up in like, the top 10% of people who are most compatible for them in the planet, and that's, like, a win. But there's other people that would be good for you. And I don't believe in soul mates. And I do believe you have to go. Like, you know what? This is the best I can do right now. And I'm gonna just cash in my chips because I probably could do better, but who knows?
- [52:56]
A
How does Chris feel about that?
- [52:57]
B
He totally understands it. There's someone better for him, too.
- [53:00]
A
Do you think you're the love of his life? No.
- [53:04]
B
No. I mean, I'm a love of his life, but I would not even. I just think that he has many loves of his life, probably, and that there's probably a woman that is so much more compatible for him than me. Like, would be so much better. Like, truly.
- [53:18]
A
And that doesn't hurt your feelings?
- [53:19]
B
No, I don't care at all. Because, like, he's not gonna meet her. Like, what are the odds? And if he does, I would be, like, be with her. Go to her, because I want you to have the best life ever, and I don't want to stop you from find. And then I'll probably just have to go somewhat find someone that's better for me. It would suck for me to see him have a connection with someone that I'm. Like, she would go hiking with him, and she would go to Machu Picchu and all the I don't want to do. And, like, she's funny and cool and, like, they're the same height. Like, that would be good. Like. And she. Like, if I saw things that was a better compatibility, I wouldn't have a problem letting that. I mean, it would be hurt, but it wouldn't be the end of my life.
- [53:54]
A
Do you think, though, that this is you being a very, very evolved, mature human being, or does this fall in the category of, like, kind of, like. Like, dark comedian where you're like.
- [54:05]
B
And I want to be clear. It is not. Pick me. Because this comes off. Pick me of, like, I don't care if my boyfriend, another girl. I'm cool with it. Cheat on me. Like, I'm. I know how lame it comes across. I sometimes don't like to tell guys about this thing that I have where I'm like, you know, this is separate than the soulmate thing. Like, I don't care if a guy has a sexual connection with a girl. And, like, he was to use protection and just have sex with her for a night. Like, I don't. I literally wouldn't care if my husband did that. I don't. I don't know why. I don't know why. If he were to, like, watch the Wire with her or, like, do crossword puzzles or, like, text, like, send memes and stuff, I would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, that's our thing. Like, emotional cheating would hurt me, but, like, physical. I'm just like. I kind of. I just feel like I understand how sex is for men most of the time outside of relationship, it's just kind of transactional, and it's just like, they just want to nut. And it's not about, like, I want to spend my life with this woman so it wouldn't feel. I just. I don't know. I. I just wouldn't care as much.
- [55:04]
A
So our barometer is no emotional cheating. Yeah, totally.
- [55:08]
B
Physically cheating is good, but I understand emotional cheating. Like, if something were to happen where I would want them to tell me about it, I would be obviously hurt, but I would understand being drawn to someone else that you have a good connection with. Because it's, like, it's hard to. When you just find someone and it's monogamy, your brain doesn't turn off. He's still gonna be attracted to other women. He's still gonna, like, be interested in other girls and have good conversations and stuff. So I could see something developing, and I would be heartbroken that it happened, especially if it went on without me knowing about it. But I would. I would. I would always ask anyone I was with to be like, if you develop feelings for the ones, tell me, and we'll deal with it. Like, I just don't want to be blindsided. But if you want to have sex with someone else, also tell me about it, because I want to, like, see what she looks like and, like, ask you about it.
- [55:46]
A
Okay, wait, hold on. So do you identify as, like, poly or, like, open relationship girly, like, another girlfriend?
- [55:53]
B
I don't want. And I don't want to, like, be in bed with you guys together.
- [55:56]
A
Okay. Not even in the same room.
- [55:57]
B
Room. No, I don't want to, like, be. And I don't want to be in the chair in the corner, like, cuckolded,
- [56:01]
A
like, you know, like, watching my boyfriend.
- [56:04]
B
I just want to hear about it later.
- [56:06]
A
Okay. You call this the hot husband fetish, which is essentially when you want your partner to have sexual experiences with other people outside of the relationship.
- [56:14]
B
Yeah.
- [56:14]
A
So when did this start for you, Nikki?
- [56:16]
B
Let's go. It started with my. My boyfriend when I was 29. Because I really hadn't had a boyfriend before. Then he would tell me about, like, I would always ask him about, like, past hookups and girlfriends and how they got together. Like, I was, like, the beginning. Like, how did you guys first know you liked each other? Like, I love that, like, our legs were touching under a table and neither of us moved our leg or so. Like, stuff like that. I'd be like. So, like, I don't know, it would make me, like, horny to, like, think about him doing that with other girls. And then I would. So I'd ask about all of his, like, girlfriends or anyone he had hooked up with, like, all the details about it. And I would really be, like, a foreplay for me. Like, I would get, like, revved up talking about it. And then it reached a point where he was out of stories. Like, he had gone through all of them. And I was like. And it's almost like he was telling the same ones. And I was like, I know this one. So it wasn't as exciting anymore because I was getting the same stuff. So I was like, I know this is. I. Like, I had never heard of anything like this. I felt so weird. But I was like, I think I need you to, like, get some more stories.
- [57:09]
A
You need new material, crafts.
- [57:11]
B
I was like, I. I need you to, like, go out there and just do. Just have a flirty moment with someone. Like, anything where I can feel like maybe it's my competitive nature of, like, I want a guy who other girls want. Like, I. I like something that is, like, you know, you want a handbag that other girls are like, oh, my God, I'm dying to get that.
- [57:27]
A
That's relatable. That is relatable. Like, I. Like, I have experienced that, like, masochism to a certain degree, where I'd be like, tell me about every ex. Tell me about all the things. Like, that part of the beginning of the relationship.
- [57:40]
B
Or were you like, I want to know because I know it definitely, like,
- [57:43]
A
made me be like, okay, now I'm gonna like you ten times better tonight.
- [57:46]
B
Yes. Okay. Yes. But then it's, like, showing their value, that they are valued by other women. Because I respect women and women's opinions. I do.
- [57:55]
A
This all comes back to hating. This whole thing is like, men are disgusting and they need to get their boners fixed immediately. And I don't really want to fix your boner, but I love women.
- [58:05]
B
I want my boyfriend to fudge other women because I just love women so much.
- [58:09]
A
I'm such a feminist. Hold on this is. This is all about. This is not. Pick me. This is pure feminism. Hold on. Exactly.
- [58:15]
B
You're getting to the root of it.
- [58:17]
A
So you then tell this to Chris and was he like, this is a trap. You're out of your mind.
- [58:22]
B
They always think it's a trick. Like. Like, you know, he was just. He knew that I was a sincere person and would. And wasn't the type of girl to, like, I wasn't a jealous person up until this point. So I don't think he was, like, getting any of that vibe of, like, she's just trying to test me. So it was like, are you serious? You really want that? Okay. Like. Like, how should this happen? And, like. And so I. I was like, you know what? If you do it and I don't like it because I don't know how I'll feel. Like, I've never done this before, so I don't know how I'll feel if my boyfriend. You're my first boyfriend ever. And so how will I feel if you have a flirty moment with another girl? So just, like, try it, and if I don't like it, we can stop and just don't. Just don't do, like, don't kiss her. But, like, see if you, like, if you could, like, if you get to a place where you, like, maybe you even go, I can't. I have a girlfriend. Like, something like that. But I don't make her feel bad about it.
- [59:08]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [59:08]
B
And don't make her feel like she's being like, actually, you know, like, I was very careful to, like, always let the girlfriend girl know you have a girlfriend, so she's choosing to do this and just let her know that. That I'm okay with it.
- [59:20]
A
The way I'm picturing you having this conversation with Chris, you're like, I remember another thing. And he's leaving here. Wait. And one more thing. What if you also, like, wear those jeans that I like? And what if you tell her and he's like, oh, anything else?
- [59:31]
B
I remember it's so vividly. It literally was like that. And I remember the first time anything happened, I did feel like a thing of jealousy came up where I was like, I think it was about. I hadn't communicated that I need her to know that I exist. And I think I felt a little bit sad that maybe she thought there was something with this guy that wasn't gonna happen. And I've been that girl so many times. Whether the guy's lying about having a girlfriend or he's like, Just casually dating someone. He's making it seem like it's not serious, but in. He just. That I. He's leading me on, and I don't have a chance. Devastating. So I think that tripped me up a little bit, but I was kind of into it. I really was.
- [60:06]
A
Did he hook up with a girl?
- [60:08]
B
He's done some stuff, yeah. He. He probably wouldn't appreciate me elaborating on that, but, like, there's. There's been interesting things that have been, like, really fun for. For me to, like, hear about and experience and, like. And fun for him too, because, you know, you get older. He's 45, and I'm like, get out there. Like, get some. Know that you're a sexual being again. Like, sometimes I'm, like, too busy to be really sexy, so I'm like, out and get some attention.
- [60:33]
A
Does it freak you out to be open about this? Like, do you think people judge you guys?
- [60:39]
B
Yeah. Every time I bring it up, I'm like, God, here she goes again. Like, because women. I think women. I've never. I've. I have not yet. I maybe met one woman that felt this way, like, exactly how I feel in my whole life. And I've talked about this extensively, so it's very rare for women to feel this way. And I feel like I want to be very clear that I know that this is not how many women feel. And I'm not encouraging any other woman to do this or I think this is, like, the right way to run your relationship. I think, honestly, it probably is detrimental. I remember Dr. Drew telling me, like, he. After he heard me say that I don't mind, he was like, I need you to look me in the eyes and repeat, I am enough. I am enough. And I'm like, no, it's not about that. I'm like, maybe it is. Maybe I'm not enough. And I feel like he has to have more. But it's. It's. It's. There's a. Probably a sadness to it, but I just. It's just what I'm into, and I can't help it. And I'm not trying to be cool. I am. I. Believe me, when I've been single, guys are not into this. It sounds like a dream. Like, I could date a woman and other girls. Like, that sounds like a dream. Guys really like to be, like. They like girls to be jealous and to, like, kind of boss them around. Like, I want you, right? You're like, go ahead, free. They're kind of like, what? Like, they don't like. They think they like it, but I assure you, this isn't getting me guys like this interesting. It's never, like, been a pitch for me to be like, look how cool I am. Why don't you date me? Because you can do whatever you want.
- [61:57]
A
Go.
- [61:57]
B
Other girl does it. They don't like it.
- [61:58]
A
Wait, what are your friends think about this?
- [62:02]
B
They're used to it at this point. They're just like, they. They marvel at it. Because I have one friend who has, you know, been cheated on before. So she ex, like experiences a lot of jealousy in her life, and she has this like, amazing husband who would never cheat on her. Like, we. We just. Just. I just know that about him. He's like the most decent guy, but she still gets jealous about, you know, him hanging out with past girlfriends or like a therapist who's a little too touchy or stuff like that. And I.
- [62:24]
A
Wait, hold on. A therapist is being too.
- [62:26]
B
Yeah, like, just a creepy there. Like, definitely a therapist that I'm just like, get her out of his life like, immediately, but so casually. It happens all the time.
- [62:34]
A
Like. Like a masseuse or like a literal thing?
- [62:36]
B
No, like a literal therapist. What, this one friend. This is a friend of mine. She also went to a couple's therapist one time. And I wanted. I put this in a script once because it was so funny, but she was going to a couple therapists to like, save her marriage. And they. They divorced eventually. But this therapist was so into her husband, at one point they asked her. The therapist asked her something and she's like, well, I don't know. Like, my friend answered like, I don't know. And the therapist just put her hand on his leg and goes, we just can't get through to her, can we? And they both had like a moment. I was just like, so this is like. So anyway, this. This friend has had jealousy before. And I said to my friend, I go, if you could make it so that no women were attracted to your husband, you flip your fingers and no woman on earth will ever be attracted, sexually attracted to your husband. Would you do it? And she was like, in a heartbeat. I would love that. And I was like, that would be my nightmare.
- [63:26]
A
Like that, you know, I would hate that.
- [63:28]
B
I would hate that.
- [63:28]
A
No, no, no, no.
- [63:29]
B
She would love it because it would give her freedom to not have to worry about him being taken from her.
- [63:33]
A
And see, that, though, worries me because then that's also plays into insecurity of like, why are you so worried that your husband's Going to get taken. Yeah. Like, I don't. I know that people think my husband is attractive and that I like and,
- [63:46]
B
you know, but I'm not.
- [63:47]
A
He's not running away.
- [63:48]
B
Worried about it.
- [63:49]
A
No.
- [63:49]
B
He's an off leash dog.
- [63:51]
A
Yeah.
- [63:51]
B
You don't need to be like, no, stay with me. You're just like, hey, come over here. He can go smell a bush and he'll like, come right to you. Like, there's nothing cooler than an off leash dog. And that's what I want in a boyfriend is like, like, I know I'm the master. Like, if my boyfriend were to like fool around with someone else, I would need that girl to know. Like, do you know who's in charge though? Like, who he's coming back to? And I would love to see you try to get him. I would love that too. Of like, oh my God. She thinks she's gonna. Because I've been that girl before. That's like, I, I'm gonna win this guy over who's dating, you know, like thinking. And you don't win.
- [64:24]
A
You're so competitive.
- [64:25]
B
I think that's it. And I really, I wish I wasn't so much because I always feel like that's like a negative trait in a woman, but I realize I am.
- [64:32]
A
It's okay.
- [64:33]
B
Yeah.
- [64:34]
A
I actually really respect it. Speaking of your friends, you have a group chat with your nine best friends. All of these girls though, you brought together, right? They came from like different eras of your life. How did you merge them all?
- [64:46]
B
I. So it's like my best friend since fifth grade, fourth grade. My sister, my old podcast producer, a comedian that I know. And my, my boyfriend friends, ex feet, ex wife. Like, it's. I just collected all these girls that I just knew were cool as hell and funny and we just would do, I would do girls trips with certain groups of them and then I would just be like, I think I want to add a girl to the girls. Girls trip because she's like, down. And my friends just trust me. I've known them for my whole life and they are all best friends now. All through me. Like, I've been the nucleus of this group and we are constantly chatting 24 7. Like, they know I'm here. Like, it's, it's, it's the best. It's my most proud creation is my girlfriend.
- [65:29]
A
I was gonna say, like, that is. As you get older, it's so hard to have adult girlfriends in a large group capacity because it's like sometimes you met someone in college or sometimes Someone's from childhood and then someone's from and
- [65:41]
B
to merge them together because they should be able to merge. You should be consistent with your friendships. They should all like fit a criteria of like you know sometimes we have friends that are like good for just one on one and like we have friends for different things. But like I and and girls are so desperate for girlfriends. It's really hard especially in the Midwest if you're working a desk job to like have to meet people. I feel like I meet a lot of people so I'm like I'm so happy to give my friends who might not meet these other interesting girls like new friends and like it's incredible. The most fun. I like I met a girl yesterday who had lunch with and I was on girls chat. Like I think I have a new girl for our girls trips.
- [66:15]
A
What is the group chats name?
- [66:17]
B
It's, it's just called Girls. Oh no, it's called Angels. Angels because we went on a yacht one time that my friend got us and captain's name was angel and Angel. Angels. Angels for the day.
- [66:36]
A
Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross Spring is officially here. The time is perfect to refresh your home in your wardrobe shop Ross where spring trends are everywhere. Find that flowy floral dress or the perfect sandal to kick off the season. Spring is also about creating new vibes at home and getting outside with outdoor entertaining essentials with brands you love at 20 to 60% off other retailers prices. New looks and vibes don't mean a huge price tag at Ross. You work your magic. Find your nearest ross@ross stores.com call her daddy is brought to you by T mobile Daddies. I'm starting to suspect that a night in is the new nightlife. Okay, this is my life now. Snacks, comfy clothes. I want to romanticize doing absolutely nothing. And on those nights when I'm staying in, T mobile has me covered with value that keeps on stacking up the more I use it. Like hi. Streaming benefits and snack perks that truly deliver. Guys, the math is mathing. Okay? There are so many perks and benefits. T mobile is basically making staying in a full blown lifestyle powered by carb and content. I am a T mobile Stan. Okay? Anyone that makes me feel not only better but great about staying in.
- [67:55]
B
Yeah.
- [67:55]
A
I love you T mobile. Okay? And if you have T Mobile like I do, you won't believe how good staying in can be. Check it out@t mobile.com magenta Status Disclaimer Streaming benefits included. While you maintain a Qualifying experience beyond plan line. Okay, I'm gonna ask you a couple questions about the group chat. Yeah. What is a text that if it got leaked, you would get canceled? Or, like, what's the. The content that you're speaking of?
- [68:24]
B
What was something that we said? Like, I would say. I would say just, like, making fun of people that have wronged us. Like, going really hard and saying some really mean stuff that I'm like, that we have to. Sometimes times start doing, like, a code name because it's like that. And it only would get canceled because people would be so, so shocked at how. Like, they wouldn't be shocked at me because I roast, but, like, I roast pretty hard in there. Like, stuff that I would never say,
- [68:50]
A
like, an actual roast, but it's a safe space.
- [68:52]
B
Yeah.
- [68:53]
A
What is the most insane relationship advice that's ever been given in that group chat?
- [68:57]
B
Oh, my friends thought she broke her husband's dick the other day.
- [69:01]
A
Okay.
- [69:01]
B
And she said it was like a train car pile up. She, like, sent a picture of, like, when a. A train derails, and it's like. And that was really funny. And we were all giving her advice about what to do for that because he was like, I don't want to get it checked out. Like, he was so embarrassed. And she was like, I heard it snap. I think it broke his dick. And the.
- [69:18]
A
Do you break a man's dick?
- [69:20]
B
It, like, slipped out and she, like, went in and it, like, went against her stomach and, like, was like, but you can do it. She, like, googled it, and it was. So we gave her advice about, like, telling him to go get it looked at, but he never did. I guess it's fine.
- [69:32]
A
It's going to repair itself.
- [69:33]
B
Yeah. So there was a lot of.
- [69:34]
A
That's amazing.
- [69:35]
B
Yeah, that was good.
- [69:36]
A
Have you ever sent nudes for pre approval in there?
- [69:40]
B
No, not even pre approval. That's where they go. Okay. You know, like, that's where they're ending up. Like, that's where. Yeah. Like, do you know, the other day my friend was talking about, you know, my. I have a lot of friends who have had babies, and, like, their stomachs are just, like, not going back to the way they were because the muscles get pulled out. And my friend is like, I need to get a tummy tuck, but they can't even fix this. And she was showing her belly, and it just looked like she ate a skinny girl who ate a sandwich. And so there was a day on chat where we were all just taking the gnarliest. Pushing our Stomachs out, distended as much as possible. And that was one where I did crop off my head just in case something leaked that I could, like, deny that it was me, but you could probably tell by faded spray tan that it was.
- [70:17]
A
You know what's good, though, is when you are getting older, I'm like, I do the same thing where you're like, I'm not sending nudes to my husband. I'm doing with my friends being like, what does this look like? And like, my friends, I literally would like, like, like, my friends have sent me pictures of their vagina being like, oh, is this normal? Like, is that's the nudes?
- [70:33]
B
Is this herpes or a ingrown hair? I've many of those. Yeah, that is, that's. It's like medical diagnoses are the new perfect.
- [70:42]
A
Do your friends think you're funny?
- [70:43]
B
Oh, yeah. Yeah. But they're, like, funnier than I am. Like, truly, like the funniest people ever. Like, I'm, I'm obviously trained at being funny. It's like something I've worked at and is my career. But they are so, so, so funny.
- [70:55]
A
No, I love how much you talk about how obviously you've referenced other comedians, you've referenced your friends, like women. And also you're just like a huge feminist because you let your man, like, fuck other women, but it's really about the other women. Like, this is about feminism here. Anthony, over here. You are in a pretty male dominated field. Obviously, what is a time in your career? Because obviously you're thriving right now, but, like, what's a time in your career where you really felt the weight of being a woman in comedy?
- [71:23]
B
Alex, it's so weird, and I hate saying this because this is so unfeminist of me. I like, never really noticed that I was different, if that makes any sense. Like, I never was like, I'm a female comic and this sucks and I'm not being taken seriously. I look back and there's so many instances where that was taking place, but I really didn't notice it. I was just like. Because to me, the best. My favorite comedians were female comics. So I thought it was always like, like a cooler thing to be. And I never felt, you know, there, it was almost safer because I maybe I noticed that men were always getting things. So when I didn't get things, I wouldn't take it personally. I was like, it's just this thing beyond my control because only one woman can get this roast. And so if I'm not getting a Roast. There's, you know, there's only one woman per roast. There's maybe, you know, they're giving out specials that year or, you know, stand up specials. It would be like, two women get them. And I know which two. Those girls are in the class above me. They deserve it more than me. So it was always kind of like, like.
- [72:16]
A
And like, it's an unsaid thing that's like, it shouldn't be that only one woman's getting it, but it's like the way it was.
- [72:21]
B
And so it was easier for me to be like, that's why I didn't get it, because there's not enough spots, not because I'm not good enough. And so I, you know, and then I look back on, and now I think I notice it more where, like, you know, a comedian will come into a show that has, like, you know, seven comics on the lineup and there's like some famous guy dropping in. It's called dropping. And he just drops on wherever he wants because he's famous enough that, like, he bumps anyone. So. And I'll get. He'll go up before me as opposed to anyone on the set. And I'm like, is it because I'm a woman or is it because I'm nice and he knows that I don't care and I'm like, whatever, but, like, it always happens to be. I feel like I. It often is me. And I'm like, I think it's because they don't respect us as much or, like, it's it. And now I'm noticing it. It's just easier when you get bigger for them to just dismiss what you do and say like, well, oh, she only killed the Golden Globes because she had writers. And I'm like, what award show doesn't have writers? Like, what? Why is it suddenly pointed out that I get writers? Like, every award show in the history has had a writer's room. But now it's like, that's why she's funny, because she had such killer writers. But they'll never. They'll not say that. They'll just say things like, oh, Nikki Glazer has the best writers. And I go, okay, I know exactly what you're doing. You're dog whistling to your fans that I don't write my own stuff, which is so untrue. And. And. Or they'll say, you know, or all she does talk about sex, and that's all she does. And that's easy for her. And I'm like, yeah, but is it it's not easy for you because you're disgusting and no one wants to hear about it and you are ashamed of your sexuality. So, yeah, it is easy for me. You talk about what's easy for you, and I'll talk about what. It's easy for me. It is easy for me. But not everyone. Who else is talking. It's not easy to talk about sex.
- [73:54]
A
That is so fascinating hearing you with the writer thing, because it's like they're trying to discredit you.
- [74:00]
B
And they always say it like they're. They're like, like praising me. Like, you, you hire the best writers. Like, I'm supposed to take, like. And I go, yeah, I do, because I have great taste. And I also write the, like, jokes, a ton of, like, people. But. But it's like, it's the quickest thing to. They always do it.
- [74:14]
A
And as if every, like you just said, every single live show is. It is to the second that you have practiced this, they know the exact word that then gets you to the transition to the next thing. Because that's what happens, how it has to go. That's how you run live television.
- [74:30]
B
Talk about singers. No one is ever like, but, you know, yeah, she didn't. So many singers don't write their own music and they never get discredited for that. Or they have male. You know, let's just talk about men helping, like, producers in the room producing a song, and no one gets taken away credit for their song. I mean, I'm not gonna say no one, but it's just very interesting to me that for some reason, stand up comics, like, call each other out for that stuff. They don't call men out. It's like we. It's like every late night show, they all have writers, but we say, Conan's the funniest, Colbert's the funniest, Fallon's the funniest. But we don't talk about the writers. But when a woman does it, I swear to God, it happens every time. And it's given me a complex where I'm like, I can't. I can't ask for help. I. I don't want to. I need to write a better joke than that one because if I use that one, I can't really claim that it was me that did that. And I. It's. It's made me kind of insecure about, like, well, I only got far because the Golden Globes is only good because the writers room. Like, it's made me feel that way, but I'm like, Wait a second. When there's a home decorator that puts together a beautiful room, people don't go, well, she didn't make that couch. She didn't make that book. She didn't. But she put it all together. What about that? We give credit for that. And I'm actually making the chairs. I am writing the jokes. But it's like, if you don't do it all, you're not allowed to claim credit.
- [75:45]
A
And it also is. Aside from even just that, it's like. Like the amount that you have to pour into it to think about. But because I am a woman, inevitably I'm gonna get this backlash. So how can I think about this in a way that will also mitigate the damage of people saying this?
- [76:00]
B
Because I'm like, as soon as you asked me about this and I started talking about writers, I'm like, oh, my God, now this is going to be out there, and then that's going to be something that I'm like, I'm giving them something to now say.
- [76:09]
A
And every man that you have seen on those stages has a fucking writer.
- [76:13]
B
Every single, single one.
- [76:15]
A
A lot of them are women.
- [76:16]
B
And guess what? Yes, a lot of them are.
- [76:19]
A
It's.
- [76:20]
B
It really, really irritates me, and it's something that I wish I wasn't. It didn't get to me as much, but I. There was just a couple clips from friends of mine that went out right after something I did that was like, she's got a murderous row of writers. And they were talking about my writers. And I'm like, first of all, I know you don't know any of my writers. So you're just saying that just to let people know what to. How your male fan base can take me down as a female comic who they're mad at because I talk about my vagina or whatever.
- [76:48]
A
I just think also that the more we do talk about it and I get it. I get you're gonna sit here and you're like, oh, my God, did I just start this whole thing up again? I've been there. But I also think it's important to talk about because it. Again, we're putting them right next to each other. The same amount of writers, the same amount of people that do it for the men, so why is it even a conversation for you? And I bet most people genuinely didn't know that men had writers, and they think that they're these genius people. And then because you're a woman, they're trying to nitpick me. Like, there has to be something behind it. Yet for all of them, whether you have a dick or a fucking vagina, there's writers behind all these people.
- [77:22]
B
There was a joke about me having writers done at the Roast of Tom Brady that really irritated me because it's like, everyone up there has writers. By the way, every single person that does a roast has. And there's a. There's a. By the way, they hire a writing staff to work on the roast. So if you don't hire writers yourself, which everyone does, they give you jokes.
- [77:40]
A
Yes.
- [77:41]
B
You walk in, they give you jokes. No, one. And by the way, I wrote the bulk of my jokes. Like, you know, you have them to help you out and shape it, because it's a lot of work. And there was one joke about me that I had writers, and the guy that told the joke had that joke written for him. And I was like, the irony here, like, I know the guy who wrote the joke for this guy that was making fun of me for having writers. And I'm like, it was so irritating to me because that's just not something that I would ever call it another. Another comic. Because. Because especially if I was using writers, I wouldn't call it something for something that I was doing. So it was just. That's one that really gets me. And I. I like that we're talking about it, because I can it again, like, I can make fun. I can say the thing before people say it, but it does it. It will be a thing that follows me the rest of my life. Probably.
- [78:25]
A
Not only that, I think it's like, we have to. We have to be aware of it as women, because you read this shit, and we care about our careers. It hurts when people try to put us down off of things that just are a prerequisite in the industry. There are things that have been happening before us.
- [78:41]
B
Yes. And by the way, people bomb when they have writers. It doesn't mean that you're going to be good. People choose bad jokes also.
- [78:47]
A
It is so exhausting the standard that we are held to as women. And it is true, though, a lot of women are holding other women to this insane standard, because I think it's like, we want to have this, like, moral high ground that we are like, no, you have to do this. Like, you watch certain people getting crucified online for certain things, and then you're like, wait, but what about the Epstein files? Like, what about those guys? Like, the way that we crucify women for something that is 0.0% compared to the men who Are doing what to these children? Like, you don't even get me started. It's like, guys, put your energy towards that fucking shit.
- [79:21]
B
And I really. I can't handle it anymore. Especially with Epstein files and with the deep dive that I went on that I was like. Like, this is more. This is. You know, I've always been like, well, politics are more important than celebrity stuff. There's always been that, like, well, Trump's doing this. But when the Epstein files came out, that, like, was so insane to me that I was like, anything other article about celebrity calling anything else is just shut up.
- [79:41]
A
Like, even the. The capacity at which I wish people put the amount of energy they put towards being, like, obsessed with Chapel Roan and, like, the chapel. It's like, why don't we focus on the living, breathing men who are in the Epstein files? And Chapel Roan just, like, did something with, like, not wanting to say hi to her fans.
- [79:58]
B
Like, let's focus on trading children in emails. That is like, not even in code words.
- [80:04]
A
And. And that. But that. Though I do think what's so crazy is all women, we get off our
- [80:10]
B
own security was mean to the cousin of someone it's really important we address. And then this is like, yeah, I mean, well, child rape aside, we have to deal with Chapel Ronin. This toot that she has ever since she got famous. She thinks she's better than people to tell them to leave her alone and not take pictures when she doesn't want it to be taken. That's what's important. And I would like a list of that. I want the list to be all the times that she has snapped at paparazzi.
- [80:35]
A
It's more important.
- [80:36]
B
It's so much more important. It's insane that they can even exit. Like, I don't even understand how we talk about anything else. If you haven't done an Epstein deep dive, I know it's a little too late. Oh, I've done it. But you, like, not.
- [80:47]
A
I know you have, but based on,
- [80:48]
B
like, you listening at home.
- [80:50]
A
Guys, guys.
- [80:51]
B
I am scared to even say the name because I might get murdered.
- [80:54]
A
We're dead.
- [80:55]
B
We're literally dead.
- [80:56]
A
This is our last episode.
- [80:58]
B
Call her.
- [80:59]
A
Daddy's over.
- [80:59]
B
It is true, like, how I love that you just said it, because I.
- [81:03]
A
We're gonna disappear.
- [81:04]
B
I've had that realization the past couple weeks of, like, no. Why is this a headline?
- [81:08]
A
It is.
- [81:08]
B
What's going on?
- [81:09]
A
It is so shocking the way that women are reprimanded in comparison to what is actually fudgeing happening. In the world. And you're like, how we cannot keep fudgeing doing this women. If you look in the comments, it's just fudgeing women, tearing other women down. It's. You got. Let's redirect our fucking energy.
- [81:26]
B
Let's stop.
- [81:26]
A
Men are laughing at us.
- [81:27]
B
Reading. Come. I want to stop reading comments. It's really hard. But comment culture. I talk about this all the time, but I have to say, like, I'm so sick of it. Like, it is literally destroying art. Like, the fact that people. Because even when I'm watching something, I will read the comments before I watch it just to see how I should feel about it. Do you ever do that?
- [81:43]
A
Yes. And it's how do other.
- [81:45]
B
And it colors how you watch it. And you're a savvy consumer. So what are dumb people doing? They're just going off of what the comment is. It is so dangerous.
- [81:53]
A
It's really bad.
- [81:54]
B
I can't. I don't even know the last time I consumed anything without finding some kind of review about it before. Like, feeling how into this.
- [82:02]
A
It's true.
- [82:03]
B
I need to know.
- [82:03]
A
People on TikTok have talked about how there's people who only the minute you scroll, you just open the comments so you get, like, a brief analysis of what's going on. But all these people are, like, sick in the fucking head.
- [82:13]
B
The sickest people ever. I've never commented anything except, like, fire emojis and like Hurts Queen or, like, slay. Like, slay. Only telling another girl she looks hot is the only thing I would ever comment. And like, I think. I guess the. I guess life of a showgirl was the last thing I consumed. Where there was no. There was no reviews out yet, and I was just consuming it without comments. And I'm like, you don't know.
- [82:36]
A
And then you open Tick tock and you're like. Like, oh, I guess maybe people didn't like the album.
- [82:39]
B
Exactly. And then you're like, am I wrong for that? But that. I think that's the last pure, like,
- [82:44]
A
thing that you needed to blow up.
- [82:48]
B
I'm just like, I just don't want any more comments.
- [82:50]
A
No, I know now we just can't.
- [82:51]
B
Then people get so mad if you disable them. They're so mad.
- [82:54]
A
Let's talk about your special.
- [82:55]
B
Yes, please.
- [82:56]
A
We're like, wait, but one more thing on Epstein. So why does you bring out a full pizza?
- [83:01]
B
Why are they always talking about pizza and, like, cream cheese?
- [83:06]
A
No, no, the.
- [83:09]
B
No, the codes, the blurs, like, every. Like, why are We. What's going on?
- [83:17]
A
We need some.
- [83:17]
B
But. But it's over. Like we've all.
- [83:19]
A
It's over.
- [83:19]
B
Like people don't talk about anymore.
- [83:21]
A
It's over.
- [83:23]
B
It's so true. They checked off that list. They checked it twice. They're like gonna find out who's naughty or a psychopath and we're moving on
- [83:31]
A
and they're like, got it. Okay. Him. Anyways. Good girl. Let's. Let's bring some positive.
- [83:37]
B
Okay. Yes. My special Good girl.
- [83:38]
A
If we are alive by the time
- [83:40]
B
this is released, I want to make it clear I have. I do not want to self harm. I have no suicidal thoughts. If anything happens to me. I was murdered.
- [83:48]
A
Someone is gunning for. Yes, but I'm not cutting this out.
- [83:53]
B
We're saying we're.
- [83:54]
A
We're an example, Nikki.
- [83:56]
B
But Google the stuff we said. Yeah. Like those keywords.
- [84:00]
A
Get that on your algo.
- [84:01]
B
You're not getting it in like msnbc.
- [84:06]
A
Cream cheese.
- [84:07]
B
Yeah, the Reddit. Go to Epstein. Reddit. Just Google cream. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
- [84:12]
A
Your new special Good Girl.
- [84:13]
B
Yeah.
- [84:14]
A
How did you decide that's name and like what can you tell us about it?
- [84:17]
B
I decided on the name because it's a joke I have about like the porn I consume. I really like when the guy. There's like a guy who's being almost like a coach kind of person that's like making a girl do something really ish that she's kind of like, I don't know if I can do this. And he's like, you can do it. Like be. And then she does it and he's like, good girl. And that's like always when I'm like. I climax is when the guy is like praising the girl. When you search for that, I search. Gang bangs.
- [84:46]
A
I know that's not what you wanted me to say, but it is true.
- [84:49]
B
Gang bangs. Forced orgasms.
- [84:52]
A
Forced orgasm.
- [84:53]
B
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's where a girl's tied up and like. And. And I really like that because I have a hard time orgasming because I feel like it's just like so embarrassing and it's like a loss of control that I don't like. Like. Because I like to be in control. And so I've always felt like orgasms were hard for me because I was like, I just look so stupid. I don't want to look like. Like it's just. It's so embarrassing. Yeah. And I would try to push them down and not have them. And so I discovered this genre of forced orgasm where a girl's like, tied up and, like, wants it, but the guy's, like, making her come, and she's like, it's like, almost too much. And then she comes a bunch, and then he says, good girl. And then it's not her fault that she looks stupid.
- [85:29]
A
He, like, do you use the same video?
- [85:31]
B
No, I, like, I honestly need.
- [85:33]
A
You need new stuff.
- [85:34]
B
Sometimes I'll, like, repeat after, like, a year. I'd be like, oh, I kind of remember this one, but I don't know. But let me guess. It's.
- [85:41]
A
This was filmed during the last leg of. You're like, what Headlines are going to come. I'm so sorry.
- [85:47]
B
It's like, what did we today? I don't know why I'm like, this.
- [85:51]
A
You filmed this during the last leg of your tour, and you did it in your hometown in front of your friends and family?
- [85:56]
B
Yes.
- [85:56]
A
Is that, like, harder to do, like. Or are you, like, you will laugh?
- [86:02]
B
No, it's much harder because I. You know, like, growing up, I think, you know, when I was in high school, I always wanted to be, like, the popular girl. I felt, like, unseen. I felt quiet. I felt like, oh, God, these people don't even know my potential. And they never will know it because I wasn't like. Like, I would audition for plays. I would never get. Like, I would audition for, like, the Diary of Anne Frank, and I would think I was gonna get Anne Frank, and I would get, like, Jewish townsperson B. Like, I was always, like, way under what any. Like, I would think. So I was, like, not being shown any reason why I would ever be successful. And I had the secret dream of, like, I want to be on tv. So there's a part of me that is like, look at what I did. But, like, there's this other thing of, like, I just project them being like, this isn't that good. Like, almost, like, seeing the real me. So there's this, like, kind of. And also, I don't feel like I'm a star. Like, I don't as much as, like, yes, I know that I've earned this status, and, like, other people might see me that way. I really don't think. It's, like, I can think of a million reasons, excuses for why it happened, and I'm like, I feel imposter syndrome. So there is a part of me that feels, like, stupid. Like, making all these people come to this big theater and, like, give a standing ovation, and they're like, you know, girls I take Pilates classes with or, like, my hairdresser, like, you Know girls I went to high school with, it's like, kind of embarrassing, but. But overall, like, I loved it because they're just so supportive and they're so. They are excited that someone made it and, like, she's bringing this home and like, she lives here. And they can tell that, like, that I don't think I'm better than it. Like, I think they really get that I don't think I'm hot, that I, like, am the girl that they knew. And I. And that's. I think I. I get that feedback.
- [87:34]
A
I'm so excited to have everyone watch your special because I also think, like, you do. You are right when you were saying, like, you are a conductor of storytelling through the beginning, middle and end. And like, we've watched you at the Golden Globes. You've done such a phenomenal job. Like, I. When I went this year and I was sitting in this. I know. First of all, I was like, stressed for you because it is like, I think that you make it look easy, but I can only imagine before you get on that fucking stage, you have every fucking a lister in that room. So staring at you, wanting you to, like, lightly stumble on, like, the joke that's about them or like, not maybe hit it. Like, they don't want you to fail,
- [88:13]
B
but like people, they just don't want me to make a joke.
- [88:16]
A
Exactly.
- [88:17]
B
You just want to get through on skates, but you also kind of want to be acknowledged because you're a celebrity and you, like, are a big deal and you have an ego. So it's very interesting.
- [88:23]
A
I give you all of the flowers because it's like the pressure that is put on you, like you said, to land the joke, to go out there, execute timing with everything that you do. Like, you've done such an incredible job and it's really been awesome to watch your career rise.
- [88:39]
B
I love that my career can have different facets. I can be a freak on the stage at live shows and in my stand up and then I'm like, more wholesome on tv, like, because I am both. I am wholesome person.
- [88:50]
A
Okay. You have range.
- [88:51]
B
I'm a wholesome girl with lots of holes. Isn't that what wholesome means?
- [88:55]
A
Nikki Glaser, thank you so much for coming on Colorado.
- [88:57]
B
Thank you so much.
- [88:58]
A
It was an honor. Friendly heads up. Taxes are due April 15. The good news, Taxact makes it easy to file online and they guarantee your maximum refund. You can even add expert assist if you want some help from a real tax expert. Nothing beats that Taxes are done feeling. Let's get them over with Daddy gang. You know, my priority in life is to be comfortable at all times of the day. I love a good hoodie. I love some cozy sweatpants. And lately I have been loving and living in my hands free Skechers slip ins. Let me tell you something, okay? These have been a game changer for me when it comes to footwear. I love that I don't have to bend down and put these on. You can literally just slip right into them and you're good to go. I don't even have to deal with laces. Okay? I have seriously tied these shoes one time and I've never had to do it again. I'm usually the type of person that's just cramming my feet into my tied sneakers because I'm just too lazy to, you know, reach down and undo them. But these shoes are actually built for that. Genius. Okay? The best part is there are a ton of styles and colors to choose from. So whether you need a sandal or a sneaker or even a high performance running shoe, there is truly something for everyone. Every shoe is designed to feel like pillows under your feet because Skechers takes comfort as seriously as we all do. Also, the shoes are both affordable and machine washable, so you can now pay less and keep them looking newer longer. If you're ready to upgrade your footwear game and say insanely comfortable, head to Skechers.com for the biggest selection in the world. Plus all the hard to find styles. That's only@skechers.com call her daddy is brought to you by Hidden Valley Ranch. I can't even begin to describe what Hidden Valley Ranch means to me. You know, this goes to the OG days of basically when I came out of the womb. I have been eating Hidden Valley Ranch with everything since day one. Okay? And guess what? Cooking with Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning can really up your flavor game. If you are not doing this, you are missing out. If you are new to cooking, maybe the kitchen can be a little intimidating. Okay, I speak from experience, but the Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning adds extra zesty flavor that makes meal time easy. Add Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning to your chicken before baking for an easy weeknight dinner. It's the only seasoning you'll need to take your food up a notch. And if you want to really impress your guests, grab some Hidden Valley Ranch dip mix and whip up a delicious spinach dip. A quick and easy crowd pleaser. No matter how you like to enjoy Hidden Valley Ranch adds flavor to every bite. Find your favorite Hidden Valley ranch products@walmart.com Hidden Valley.