Sofia Franklyn (25:06)
Question one How do I tell my boyfriend that his mom can't stay with us when she comes to town? She lives out of state and frequently visits. She always stays for a week minimum. I don't want to be that girlfriend who bitches about this, but I just love my own space and hate constantly hosting. I also feel like I'm being judged for every little thing in the house when she's here. Is it rude to ask if he can get her a hotel the next time? Oh my gosh. Okay, first of all, I so feel for you because this was like a thing Matt and I dealt with in the beginning of our relationship where Matt could host every night, every day, everywhere. And when I'm in my house I feel like such an introvert and I had to explain to him like I do. It's not that I don't want to host, I just need to have a better cadence with it and not be doing it so frequently because I recharge in my house and I feel like I can't be my full self when obviously people are here and I'm hosting. And so the fact that this is your mother in law, I can imagine how difficult of a dynamic it is to bring this up to your boyfriend. My first bit of advice is like, you need to tread really carefully because some guys with their moms are such fudgeing freaks and they act actually like they're still sucking from their mom's titty. So just be weary, you know what I mean? Also, that's like a good sign. Like if he's like actually crazy about it, he probably wants to his mom. But that's for another time. It doesn't feel like he wants to his mom. It more feels like he's treating it like this is his mom and he's comfortable with his mom being there. And this is your mother in law, so this is your space. It's weird to have a woman or anyone staying in your home for a week, all like multiple times during the year. That's a lot. So I'm validating you. That's a lot. If it was a weekend like twice a year, totally fine, a week, every few months, I would be like, I'm, I gotta move out. If anything, get me a hotel room. Let me go for a little spa trip while you and your mom bang it up. But no, I think this would be my advice to you. I think you could sit your boyfriend down and be like, hey, I was just thinking about it because I love your mom so much and I always think about it like, wow, she's so lovely and respectful when she comes. And I do love spending time with her, but I feel like a week when she's here is just a lot. And it almost has nothing to do with her. It has to do with me of like having someone in our space for a week. I feel like I can't be my true self. Like if I want to just go sit and relax after a long day of work and be in silence. Like, obviously I'm not going to ignore your mom while she's sitting in the living room and stuff. Or we don't get as much alone time or we don't get to decompress after going to dinners with her. Like, it's hard for me to find a balance and it's impacting me in a way that I don't like how I'm feeling. So I was wondering if we could compromise and either have her stay on weekends, but then if she's going to stay the full week, maybe we get her a hotel. So like during the work week we can just have our normal life and then we can obviously go to dinners or whatever with her. But I just need a little help with boundary setting here because I don't want this to come off. Like, I don't love your mom. I'm just feeling like I don't love people in my space for that amount of time. Because, girlfriend, who the fuck wants their mother in law living with them for a fucking week? I'm sorry, Lisa. I love you. If you're listening to this bitch fucking knows. I'm like, my mother in law would know. She literally will be here. And she's like, okay, you want me to leave? I'm like, yes. Love you, bye. Like, I also don't love the lack of awareness from your mother in law. That's why I'm saying you have to tread lightly. Because from my experience with my mom and Matt's mom, like, they know we love them and we also like our alone time. To the point where I'm like, I'm surprised she hasn't been like, oh my gosh, you guys, I feel like I'm like two in your space. I'm gonna give you guys time. That's where I'm like, ooh, this could be tricky. So maybe compromise on starting with more of like a. Maybe she stays for the weekend or overall, let's just get her a hotel super close by. And if your boyfriend reacts like a crazy person and defends his mom and acts like you're crazy, I'm here to tell you you're not crazy. Mother in law's in your space. That is a recipe for a mental break, honestly. And we don't need that. You know what I mean? So guard your boundaries and. But have a calm conversation with him also. Last point. And this is really how you'll probably even know if you want to marry this man when he brings this up to his mother. If he is down for what you're presenting. In no fucking world should this man present it to his mom like, oh, it was Casey's idea. No, no, no. We're presenting this as a united front. If anything, you take the fucking hit bitch because you came out of her okay? It's your mother. She'll love you forever, but it's too dicey. So make sure that he is presenting it in a way that's not making you look in a bad light. Because then it's just going to be a whole new spew of problems and you don't need that. Okay, next question. I'm getting married this fall and made a mistake. I sent a save the date to a co worker I no longer want at the wedding. No one at my office likes her, but I always gave her a chance until she me over in front of my Boss last week. I know it's my wedding and I can invite who I want, but I'm worried it will come off in a bad way if I don't follow through. Will I look like the mean girl? How do I handle this at work and what do I even say to her? Okay, first of all, that it's really shitty. But my first note to you is, your wedding is not a charity event. And your wedding is also not a co workers mingling happy hour event. This is your wedding and it is a day to be completely about you. And so if you're having regret, and also it's one thing, if you're having regret, it's another thing if this person literally just you over at work, you, I get, are in a weird position. But I would rather you be in a weird position to end this rather than get to your wedding and have someone there that you don't like. So yes, it's going to be a little uncomfortable, but let's also make sure that you're not compromising just to make someone feel good. So this would be my advice. It's tough because since it's a work dynamic and you're gonna see her obviously when you come back from your wedding, I don't think you need to tell her. Obviously it's up to you. But like you have to see this woman every day. It's one thing if it's a friendship breakup, but like this is someone you work with, right? So my advice would be you send a text or you say it in person. You said you only sent a save the date. You didn't send them like the official now new invite of like details and everything of the wedding. So I think you could text her and say, hey, I wanted to let you know that over the past month or two, my husband and I have been going through our wedding list and due to a bunch of different circumstances, we are pulling back on the number of guests. And I don't think you're going to be able to come now. And I just wanted to let you know, no hard feelings and appreciate your support and leave it at that. And I think that if she comes at you and is anything other than totally understanding that because. Oh, now you, oh, you're gonna come at me for a second. First of all, why would you. You shouldn't even be at my wedding. You should have the self awareness to not even think you should come. Hopefully she was never even gonna come, right, because she just you over in front of your boss. But if she gets nasty with it, like, wow, other co workers are going and I'm not coming. Like, got it. Like, Macy, like, you're a. I think you just leave it. I don't think in the wake of your wedding, I don't think that you need drama. And sending this text is going to give you temporary, but then it's going to alleviate so much anxiety on the day that actually matters. So be straight up, but not fully unless you want to. And you can be like, hey, I don't really appreciate everything that went down the other week with our boss. I felt like you were undermining me and it made me look in a really bad light. And I just. I know I sent you a save the date and I don't even have, like, ill will towards you, but because it is my wedding, I don't want to have anyone there that I'm not on, like, like, perfect, great terms with. And I don't feel that way with you right now. And so, respectfully, I'm going to decline the offer. And maybe when I'm back, we can look to, like, repair things. But for right now, I want to have a clear head for my wedding and I don't want drama either one being more direct or a little less direct. Do it. You will feel so much better. I remember Matt and I had a couple people, but one person kind of like, more specifically that we just, like, we knew they would think they were going to be invited to our wedding. And at the same time, we were like, I don't want to invite them. And we almost were having, like, over dinner conversations when we would talk about our wedding leading up to, we would find ourselves getting anxiety about this one person and it was someone more in Matt's life. And then finally I remember just being like, babe, pause. Listen to us. We're not even focusing anymore on, like, how this is a day about us and our love and our marriage and our family like this. We have our answer. And it was so hard. But I'm so happy we didn't invite them. And I look back and we still say we made the right decision. So trust your gut on this one. And I'm really sorry that that's so shit. You don't want drama around your wedding, but to make you feel better, everyone has drama around their wedding. And if this is. This is the peak of it for you. Girl, girl, you got out easy. Okay, next question. Okay. Hi, father. How do I stop comparing my boyfriend to my friend's partners? I'm 29 and most of my friends are in their early 30s with partners in their mid-30s. My boyfriend is 26, so he's kind of a decade behind when it comes to career and finances. I get insecure sometimes because he still is starting out, and we don't really have the same financial stability as my friends and their partners. I know it's not his fault. He has a good job and is working hard, but I can't help feeling a little jealous when I see my friends, partners and what they bring to the table. Okay. Oh, my God. I have a lot of thoughts, and I'm gonna just be really honest. And obviously you know your situation better than anyone, so. And I don't have all the details, but I'm just gonna kind of rattle off some of my thoughts. Number one for me, I think I would have a hard time dating a younger man more in that, like, 20, 30 range, obviously, if you were, like, in your 50s, 60s, re dating, like, sure. But it's like that pivotal time where I feel like maturity is a big, obvious, glaring thing. Like, it's like you can almost tell, like, when someone's in their 20s, first their 30s. Right. And my worry for you is, when you're writing this, if you felt really secure with your relationship, which you're saying. I guess you're saying you're. You don't. You're saying you get insecure sometimes. My worry is this is something that is highlighting a bigger issue in your relationship. If you were madly in love with this person and you thought they were so talented and smart and all the things. I don't know if you would be saying this again. I think it's normal to compare. That's literally all we do in life. Right? You're comparing how you look compared to someone. You're comparing your job, your house, your finances, your looks, your outfits, your family dynamics, your status, like, all of it. That's normal. But the fact that you're feeling insecure about your partner, I've had that in a different way. And, like, it doesn't go away. It doesn't go away because if you really are in love with someone and you feel good about them, you would find holes in your friends, partners, and be like, yeah, but they have that. But, like, he has this. You know what I mean? And I worry for you that him being younger and not where you want him to technically be could potentially be something that keeps eating at you throughout your relationship. I could be completely wrong, and I may be projecting because I have a friend that was in the situation a few years ago where it was just like, eventually she was like, I feel like I'm dating a kid. And I didn't think that the four or five year age gap was going to impact me. But I guess men naturally are more immature than women and it takes them longer to mature. So there's a lot of factors that are up against you. So I think you need to sit with yourself and recognize. Is this literally just because of a money thing? That is so normal to feel insecure financially at stages in your life when other people have not that burden. Totally fair. But look underneath the hood and is it like. Or are you also kind of like, I feel like you're. I'm insecure because I'm dating him and he's not this and he's not that and he's not this and we're all in our 30s at this stage and he's like a baby and just graduated college and is trying to figure his out. But I'm sorry that I'm sure that's weighing on you, but you'll know the answer. Like, you will know, would it solve everything if he had all the money in the world? I don't know. You have. You will know that within yourself. And last thing I'll leave you with, and this is something that I talk about with my friends and Matt all the time, is like, please keep in mind, when you're looking at your friends and their relationships, it doesn't mean that they have it all too right. Like, you are looking at something that is clearly an insecurity of yours. They have more financial stability, therefore they are able to do more things. They can go to more concerts, they can go out for more dinners, they can go to nicer places. Whatever it be, that's your insecurity in your relationship. So it's. You're projecting and you're looking at being like, they have it all, but they all may be going through their own. Maybe there's some of your friends that like haven't had sex in months and their romantic physical connection isn't there. Maybe there's people that are actually overspending and it looks like they're enjoying themselves, but they're also in financial situation that they're not feeling. Like, we don't know, maybe they're fighting. Maybe they're. Or they're great regardless. We always look at people and when they have something that we don't have, we can get insecure and feel like, damn, I, I want that. But really you don't want that because that's not your relationship. You know that you don't have the same type as your friend. You know that that guy wouldn't be as good for you because you know what I mean. So everything is relative. But it's tough. I completely acknowledge that. I have definitely been victim of it. Okay. Oh my God. I chose this one for all the girls. Daddy, I need help. I have a serious shopping problem. I spend way too much money on shoes, clothes, jewelry, purses, everything. Fashion's always been how I express myself. And buying new stuff makes me feel like I'm keeping up. But I'm supposed to be saving for a wedding and a house later this year and I cannot stop spending. I went through my closet the other day and have a full blown. Had a full blown panic attack when I realized how much I've spent on stuff I've worn. Maybe once. I don't know how to stop. Please help me. Get it together, girl. You came to the right place. I totally get it. Like I have been someone that on Sundays to not get the Sunday scaries. It relaxes me to watch Grey's Anatomy and scroll on and shop. And maybe I'm not even buying some of the shit, but it's nice and fun to scroll. I think that's like a normal thing for girls to shop. It does sound like you obviously have a little bit more of a problem where you can't stop yourself. You're even saying that there's some stuff in your closet that you have not even like worn. Here would be my advice. I don't know if this is a little too extreme, but maybe try it could help. I think maybe you should go on a 30 day fashion shopping fast. And I think you should even if you want to like go and shop online, but don't buy anything, even just like put links into your notes app and be like, once the 30 days is over, I want to buy this. And then if you still want to buy it, well, that's on you. But 30 days without shopping and instead what I would do. And I've actually been annoyed with myself. And I think everyone does this. You buy something and you barely wear it. I would urge you in these 30 days of your shopping fast to go into your closet and do a couple things. Number one, put outfits together with things that you haven't worn and force yourself to wear it that day. Like, I think we all get into a habit of kind of having a closet of stuff, but you wear pretty similar stuff. You have your go to shirt, you have your go to jacket, pants, all the things and, and if you haven't worn it in a while, force yourself to wear it. And if you are like, I actually don't want to wear it, why don't you go and sell it? Go on Poshmark. Go on ebay. Go on the realreal. Like, go and sell the shit and make your money back of the stuff that you're actually not buying and you just bought on a shopping whim. But overall, I think you need to look at yourself. And if you can't make it the 30 days, you may actually need to get into therapy and get some help because this does sound a little bit like, like an addiction. And you don't want to continue your life where you are blowing all of your finances on clothes that you're also barely wearing. But yeah, let's do a fast. Maybe I'll do it with you. Who knows? Okay, this one's heavy.
