Nero Wolfe: Disappearing Diamonds 03/09/1951

Summary

Podcast Summary: Choice Classic Radio Detectives | Nero Wolfe: Disappearing Diamonds (03/09/1951)

Theme
In this episode, the formidable detective Nero Wolfe must unravel the truth behind the murder of Mrs. Florence Avery March and the disappearance of her valuable diamonds. As a thief seeks Wolfe’s help to clear his name, Wolfe and his loyal assistant Archie Goodwin navigate police suspicion, cunning suspects, and a web of deceit amid the glamorous world of high society.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Arrival of Willie Inch and a "Phony Murder Rap"

• Timestamps: 00:19–03:59
  • Willie Inch, a self-confessed “sneak thief,” calls on Nero Wolfe claiming he's being framed for murder.
  • Wolfe and Archie quickly establish Inch’s criminal background but doubt his capacity for murder.
  • Notable Quotes:
    • “Did you ever hear of a sneak thief committing murder if it could possibly be avoided?” – Nero Wolfe [00:54]
  • Inch explains he was burgling Mrs. March’s house, left fingerprints, but claims innocence in the murder.

2. Inspector Kramer Brings the Heat

• Timestamps: 05:09–09:02
  • Inspector Kramer enters, searching for Willie Inch and the missing diamonds, suspecting Wolfe of being involved in hiding stolen goods.
  • Tensions rise as Kramer suggests Wolfe might be part of a conspiracy.
  • Notable Quotes:
    • “My theory is that both Wolf and you are receivers of stolen property and possibly guilty of murder conspiracy.” – Inspector Kramer [08:01]
  • Wolfe maintains his innocence, challenging the Inspector to search for the diamonds.

3. Questioning Anson Stark

• Timestamps: 09:02–10:36
  • Anson Stark, the man who discovered Mrs. March’s body, is questioned.
  • He claims ignorance about the diamonds' disappearance and insists the room light was on, a detail Wolfe is later skeptical about.
  • Stark’s background in electronics is subtly noted.

4. The Entrancing Valerie Ladd Appears

• Timestamps: 10:54–16:32
  • Valerie Ladd visits Wolfe under the pretense of being a writer for a profile on him.
  • Wolfe is suspicious; gives her a typist’s code (“QWERTYUIOP”) to test her claim of being a writer.
  • Valerie fails the test; Wolfe exposes her as a fraud.
  • Notable Quotes:
    • “It was a test and you flunked it, baby. You’re no writer.” – Archie Goodwin [17:18]
  • Valerie later admits she was at the party where Mrs. March died.

5. Archie Gets Played

• Timestamps: 18:26–20:49
  • Archie, entranced by Valerie, is duped. She vanishes during a dinner outing, taking his keys and money.
  • Memorable Exchange:
    • “She paid [the bill], sir… In fact, she said you gave her the money for it.” – Waiter [20:00]
    • “Well, I didn’t know it, but she is certainly right.” – Archie Goodwin [20:02]

6. Break-in at Wolfe's Office

• Timestamps: 21:12–22:11
  • Archie hears a noise at night, confronts an intruder (expecting just Valerie), and is knocked out from behind.
  • The office is ransacked; Nero Wolfe notes there must have been two intruders, as Valerie couldn't have overpowered Archie alone.

7. Wolfe’s Deductive Game with Inspector Kramer

• Timestamps: 23:01–24:23
  • Wolfe analyzes a floor plan and confirms with Kramer the thoroughness of the police search at Mrs. March’s house.

8. The Truth Revealed: The Light Bulb Ruse

• Timestamps: 25:25–27:20
  • Wolfe gathers all the suspects for a dramatic denouement.
  • He revisits the dilemma about the room’s lighting and questions Stark about a box he brought to the party.
  • Wolfe reveals Stark smuggled the diamonds out in a hollowed-out light bulb, replacing it in the lamp so police wouldn’t find it.
  • Notable Quotes:
    • “Mr. Stark, that box contained two parts of a light bulb and some adhesive... you strangled Mrs. March, put the diamonds into the light bulb... and screwed it into the lamp socket.” – Nero Wolfe [26:27]
    • “Really, Archie, it was quite simple. Light bulbs are only a stem, glass bowl, and a brass sheet; yet nobody, including the police, would think of looking inside one.” – Nero Wolfe [27:01]

9. Finale: Lessons and Laughter

• Timestamps: 27:10–27:57
  • Wolfe muses about Archie’s trust in women, comparing him humorously to Mark Antony and Samson.
  • The case closes with Wolfe asking for beer and Archie heading to bed, sporting a headache from his misadventure.

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Did you ever hear of a sneak thief committing murder if it could possibly be avoided?” – Nero Wolfe [00:54]
• “It was a test and you flunked it, baby. You’re no writer.” – Archie Goodwin [17:18]
• “My theory is that both Wolf and you are receivers of stolen property and possibly guilty of murder conspiracy.” – Inspector Kramer [08:01]
• “Really, Archie, it was quite simple. Light bulbs are only a stem, glass bowl, and a brass sheet; yet nobody, including the police, would think of looking inside one.” – Nero Wolfe [27:01]
• “Why must you place such confidence in women? Remember what happened to Mark Antony and Samson... and Archie Goodwin.” – Nero Wolfe [27:30]

---

Important Timestamps

• Willie Inch’s Petty Crime Confession – [00:19–03:59]
• Inspector Kramer’s Confrontation – [05:09–09:02]
• Anson Stark’s Questioning – [09:02–10:36]
• Valerie Ladd’s Arrival and Exposure – [10:54–17:18]
• Archie Gets Duped at Dinner – [18:26–20:49]
• Office Break-In & Archie Knocked Out – [21:12–22:11]
• Wolfe’s Floor Plan Analysis with Kramer – [23:01–24:23]
• Culprit Revealed, The Light Bulb Scheme – [25:25–27:20]
• Closing Reflections – [27:10–27:57]

---

Tone & Original Voice

The episode is delivered in a sharp, witty, and rapid-fire style. Wolfe’s ponderous intellect is contrasted with Archie’s streetwise banter and endless flirtation with femme fatales. The repartee between detective and assistant is punctuated by dry humor, deadpan remarks, and the air of 1950s detective drama.

---

For Listeners New and Old

This episode exemplifies Nero Wolfe’s unique approach to detection: cerebral, theatrical, and layered with delicious dialogue. The “Disappearing Diamonds” caper is a classic twist-filled whodunit, made lively by memorable characters, clever puzzles, and the irresistible chemistry of Wolfe and Archie. Whether you know the Golden Age of Radio or not, it’s a sparkling listen!

Transcript

[Don Stanley]

Welcome to Choice Classic Radio where we bring to you the greatest old time radio shows like us on Facebook, subscribe to us on YouTube and thank you for [e-mail]

[Narrator]

Ladies and gentlemen, the ringing of that phone bell brings you mystery adventure.

[Archie Goodwin]

Nero Wolf's office. Archie Goodwin speaking. Willie Inch, did you say? Just a second. Do you want to talk to a fellow named Willie Inch? Which I doubt. No, he says he's got to see you. Got to?

[Nero Wolfe]

Who is he?

[Archie Goodwin]

Ask Mr. Wolf. Doesn't recognize your name, Mr. Inch. He wants to know who you are. Just a second, I'll tell him. Mr. Inch says he's a sneak thief. He says you never heard of him, but he's heard of you. Should I tell him to get lost?

[Nero Wolfe]

Wait a minute, Archie. Ask him what he wants.

[Archie Goodwin]

Inch. Mr. Wolf wants to know what you want to see him about. A phony murder rap. This is a phony murder rap?

[Nero Wolfe]

It have to be, wouldn't it, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

How do you mean phony?

[Nero Wolfe]

I mean, did you ever hear of a sneak thief committing murder if it could possibly be avoided? Yes, Archie, tell Mr. H I'll listen to his story.

[Narrator]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's that renowned genius who is the bulkiest, balkiest, most ponderous and most brilliant detective in the world. Yes, none other than that chair born mass of unpredictable intellect, Nero Wolf, created by Rex Stout and brought to you in a new series of adventures over this NBC network in the person of Mr. Sydney Greenstreet.

[Archie Goodwin]

When Mr. Wolf and I talk about this little difficulty, he calls it the Case of Archie Goodwin and how he got hooked. However, I call it the Case of the Disappearing Diamonds. I prefer my title, he prefers his. Anyhow, it started with an improbable character named Willie Inch.

[Nero Wolfe]

That'll be our sneak, Pee Bargie. Let him in.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, boss.

[Nero Wolfe]

Okay.

[Archie Goodwin]

Inch? Yeah, come in. In there. I'll follow you. Mr. Wolf. This is your client, Mr.

[Valerie Ladd]

Inch?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

Tall fellow. Must be over 6ft 6. Sit down. Where, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

Here, Mr. Inch. This ought to be comfortable.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, Mr.

[Valerie Ladd]

Inch.

[Willie Inch]

Look, Mr. Wolf, they're gonna claim that I killed a woman I never even touched. And I'm gonna fry for something I never even done.

[Nero Wolfe]

All right, Mr. Inge. How did you kill her?

[Willie Inch]

I didn't. I didn't. I never killed nobody in my life.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inch, you say you're a thief. Can you prove it?

[Willie Inch]

I got a record.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[Nero Wolfe]

I was wondering about that bulge in your pocket.

[Willie Inch]

Oh, oh, here.

[Archie Goodwin]

It's a.

[Willie Inch]

It's a silver cigarette lighter.

[Archie Goodwin]

Ain't It.

[Willie Inch]

I guess it sort of dropped into my pocket as I was going by, you see. You see, the way it happened.

[Nero Wolfe]

Never mind, Miss Inge. Now tell me how you didn't kill the woman for whose murder you will fry.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well?

[Willie Inch]

Well, Mr. Wolf, sir, it was like this. There was a window half open, you see, and I happened to crawl inside the house. But hey, now, honestly, this. This is just between us, ain't it?

[Nero Wolfe]

Possibly.

[Willie Inch]

How do you mean?

[Nero Wolfe]

Explain, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Wolf said possibly.

[Willie Inch]

Oh, well, okay. So I happen to find myself in the bedroom, see? So I happen to sort of roam around and I hear there's like a party going on. You know, people and music. So I lock the door.

[Archie Goodwin]

So?

[Nero Wolfe]

Go on, let him tear it his own way, Archie. Well, Ms. Lynch.

[Willie Inch]

So that's the mistake I make.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mistake?

[Willie Inch]

Maybe I. I leave my fingerprints on the door.

[Nero Wolfe]

Sure.

[Archie Goodwin]

So?

[Willie Inch]

So later a dame gets herself knocked off in the same room and they look for fingerprints and they find mine. I'm it. That's all I got.

[Inspector Kramer]

A record.

[Archie Goodwin]

So.

[Nero Wolfe]

The chair. I see. Pitiful case, isn't it, ig?

[Archie Goodwin]

Very, very mournful.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inch.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

I presume you came away with some souvenirs. Oh, nothing. It wasn't worth the trouble.

[Willie Inch]

You know, just odds and ends.

[Archie Goodwin]

Junk.

[Nero Wolfe]

Have you got the junk with you?

[Willie Inch]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

Let me see here. Cigarette case, platinum lighter, gold vanity case.

[Archie Goodwin]

Gold.

[Nero Wolfe]

That's all positively junk. The man says, I promise nothing, Mr. Inch, but it might be better if you told the truth.

[Valerie Ladd]

Me?

[Archie Goodwin]

You? Oh, well.

[Nero Wolfe]

One square cut emerald ring.

[Willie Inch]

I just happened to find it. Here's something more.

[Nero Wolfe]

A pewter ashtray.

[Inspector Kramer]

Look, the room is dark.

[Willie Inch]

I can't see. Piles of coats under beds and hats and handbags. I take what I find.

[Nero Wolfe]

Why didn't you turn on the lights?

[Willie Inch]

One of these big standing lamps, you know what I mean? I bump into it and it scares the living. I mean, it scares me. So I turn the switch. It don't work,

[Nero Wolfe]

Arjun.

[Archie Goodwin]

That sounds like the law, boss.

[Valerie Ladd]

The law.

[Nero Wolfe]

Stay right where you are, Willie. May I suggest that there is a way to find out, Arie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, okay. We don't want any.

[Inspector Kramer]

Good morning, Goodwin. You remember me? Your old friend, Inspector Kramer. Two gentlemen with me are also with the department. Pearly and Ostrokovich. May we come in?

[Archie Goodwin]

What do you want?

[Inspector Kramer]

We want a murderer. And we want some rocks worth 250 grand. Does that answer your question?

[Archie Goodwin]

What makes you think you'll find all those goodies here?

[Inspector Kramer]

Come in, men. We know Willie Inch is here. Where is he?

[Archie Goodwin]

Now, just a second.

[Inspector Kramer]

We're coming with you, Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, Inspector, Come along.

[Nero Wolfe]

The law.

[Inspector Kramer]

That's Willie Inch, Friskin. No weapons, okay? Just put the cubs on him.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector Craven.

[Inspector Kramer]

Oh, yes. Hello, Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

I want to tell you something about this man whom you and your men have so bravely captured in my office.

[Inspector Kramer]

You don't need to tell me about him, Wolf. We know about him.

[Valerie Ladd]

Do you indeed?

[Inspector Kramer]

Yes, we know he killed Mrs. Florence Avery March and stripped a quarter of a million worth of diamonds off him. That's all we need to know.

[Willie Inch]

I didn't do no such a thing.

[Inspector Kramer]

Where's the ice, Willie?

[Willie Inch]

I never even seen none.

[Archie Goodwin]

Honest.

[Inspector Kramer]

Take him away, boys. I'll make the charge when I get back to my office.

[Willie Inch]

Wait, Mr. Wolf, sir.

[Archie Goodwin]

Take him.

[Willie Inch]

Look, I ain't done nothing, I tell you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Speak to Kramer.

[Anson Stark]

Yeah.

[Inspector Kramer]

We're going to have a little talk now, aren't we?

[Nero Wolfe]

If necessary.

[Inspector Kramer]

How do you mean?

[Nero Wolfe]

Explain, Arjun.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Wolf means you're going to have a little talk, if necessary.

[Inspector Kramer]

Very funny. I will now draw up a chair and show you why it's necessary in the first place. $250,000 worth of diamonds makes it necessary.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ar, if you please, about the beer.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay. Will the inspector name his poison?

[Inspector Kramer]

You know I never drink on duty.

[Nero Wolfe]

And just for me. Archie, please.

[Archie Goodwin]

On my way. While I opened a bottle of imported beer, it occurred to me that I had something to be grateful for. At least I wasn't in Willie Inch's enormous shoes. And as I went back to the office, I had time to wonder why Mr. Wolf would stick his fat neck out for a no good like Willie.

[Nero Wolfe]

Thank you, Archie. And sit down. Archie, Inspector Kramer has a theory that may amuse you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Near our Wolf's office. It's for you, Inspector.

[Inspector Kramer]

Hello, Kramer.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[Inspector Kramer]

A gold cigarette holder, that's all. Okay.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector, do you realize that you have already taken a great deal of my time?

[Inspector Kramer]

Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, inspector?

[Inspector Kramer]

The great Mr. Wolf just said I had a theory that might amuse you. Would you care to hear it?

[Archie Goodwin]

I can hardly wait.

[Inspector Kramer]

Okay. My theory is that both Wolf and you are received as a stolen property and possibly guilty of murder conspiracy.

[Archie Goodwin]

So far you got me in stitches.

[Inspector Kramer]

Willie Inch, with a record as long as your arm robs the home of Mrs. Florence Avery Marsh. He strangles her with a silk scarf, takes the diamond she's wearing, grabs everything else that's lying around and then.

[Archie Goodwin]

What is it? A question. I'll tell you what, he will too.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, listen.

[Archie Goodwin]

Listen.

[Inspector Kramer]

Then Inch brings the stuff here, the stuff that's piled on Wolf's desk. And the diamonds. You want me to tell you where the diamonds are? They're in that safe right there.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector Kramer, I know nothing about the diamonds. They are not in the safe and they are not in the house. Now you can take my word for it or you can get a search warrant and make a fool of yourself. I'm going to have lunch.

[Archie Goodwin]

By two o' clock, the newspapers were full of the murder of Mrs. Florence Avery March. The suspect was already in custody, caught at the home of Nero Wolf, well known private investigators. Some of the stolen jewelry had been recovered, but not the diamonds. Then we had a visit from Mr. Anson Stark, who had opened Mrs. March's door and found her dead. Stark was a big, athletic guy of about 30 or so, with the large, capable hands of a surgeon or a laboratory worker. He seemed annoyed at the inconvenience we caused him, but that was only natural.

[Anson Stark]

That's the story, Mr. Wolf. I don't see how I can add anything more to it.

[Nero Wolfe]

You had known Mrs. March for several years. Casually, when you broke the door open. Was it difficult?

[Anson Stark]

Not very.

[Nero Wolfe]

You were the first into the room.

[Anson Stark]

There were three or four of us. We pushed in together.

[Nero Wolfe]

You saw the body of Mrs. March immediately.

[Anson Stark]

She was lying across the bed that was heaped with coats and hats and handbags.

[Nero Wolfe]

You knew she was dead?

[Anson Stark]

Of course not. In fact, somebody else discovered that she had been choked to death.

[Nero Wolfe]

And who discovered that the diamonds were gone?

[Anson Stark]

I don't know. I didn't.

[Nero Wolfe]

Were there many diamonds, Mr. Stark?

[Anson Stark]

No, just a few. But big ones. She wore them on a pendant around her neck.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Stark, I want to thank you again for having me so patient.

[Anson Stark]

I have been patient, Mr. Wolf. I have my own business to attend to.

[Nero Wolfe]

Which is?

[Anson Stark]

Oh, I have a small but hopeful enterprise. Electronics. Tubes for radio and television. Mostly experimental.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, that reminds me, Mr. Stark, when you entered the bedroom, was the light on or off?

[Anson Stark]

Let me see. Of course it was on. It must have been on.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[Nero Wolfe]

Just curiosity, Mr. Stark.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh.

[Anson Stark]

Anything more?

[Nero Wolfe]

That's all, except thank you for coming here. Archie, will you take Mr. Stark to the door?

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Stark departed like a man who'd been delayed by a petty annoyance. Few minutes later the door buzzed and I went. Expecting anything? Anything but what was standing on the threshold when I opened up? A honey blonde. Or to put it another way, a blonde honey. I said hello. No, more like hello.

[Valerie Ladd]

Are you Mr. Wolf?

[Archie Goodwin]

I'm his assistant, Archie Goodwin. And what can we do for you?

[Valerie Ladd]

I'm Valerie Ladd.

[Archie Goodwin]

And I'm Archie Goodwin. Or did I tell you that that's

[Valerie Ladd]

exactly where I came in? Well, I mean. Well, I thought you were going to ask me to come in.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, come in, come in. I'm sorry.

[Valerie Ladd]

How is he? Is he here?

[Anson Stark]

Wolf.

[Archie Goodwin]

Does he know you?

[Valerie Ladd]

No.

[Archie Goodwin]

Is he expecting you?

[Valerie Ladd]

No.

[Archie Goodwin]

I see.

[Valerie Ladd]

Of course you don't see, do you? Well, this is it, Mr. Gooden. I'm a writer. I may not look like it, but that's what I am. And I want to do a profile, a character study of Mr. Wolfra magazine. Oh, well, what's wrong?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, you see, there's a writer named Rex Stout.

[Valerie Ladd]

Oh, I know he's written a lot about Nero Wolf, but. Well, can't I write about him too?

[Archie Goodwin]

I don't know if he's gonna like it. But you can't be shot for trying. Come on. Mr. Wolf, this is Valerie Ladd.

[Nero Wolfe]

Pardon me for not rising, Miss Ladd. It is not impolite. It is merely impracticable.

[Archie Goodwin]

Miss Ladd wants to write about you for magazine.

[Valerie Ladd]

Please, Mr. Wolfe.

[Willie Inch]

Nonsense, Mr. Wolfe.

[Valerie Ladd]

If I could just spend a few hours with you, that would be enough.

[Nero Wolfe]

Would it indeed?

[Valerie Ladd]

Oh, yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

Have you written much, Miss Ladd?

[Valerie Ladd]

Oh, reams.

[Nero Wolfe]

You know, the habits of writers interest me.

[Valerie Ladd]

The habits?

[Nero Wolfe]

The writing habits. For instance, do you use a pen or a pencil? Do you dictate? Or like most writers, do you do your own typing?

[Valerie Ladd]

Mr. Wolfe, if you knew the hours and days and years that I've pounded the typewriter.

[Nero Wolfe]

Of course. Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, sir?

[Nero Wolfe]

Why don't you take Ms. Ladd up and show the orchids?

[Archie Goodwin]

You never know about Nero Wolf. At least I never do. This was something I would have bet against a thousand to one. I couldn't understand it, but I certainly couldn't complain.

[Valerie Ladd]

Archie, look at this one. Oh, did you ever see anything so gorgeous?

[Archie Goodwin]

Very pretty.

[Valerie Ladd]

They're all just beyond belief. Yeah, but you're not even looking at the march.

[Archie Goodwin]

What?

[Valerie Ladd]

Oh, Archie, are you always like this?

[Archie Goodwin]

What do you mean, like this?

[Valerie Ladd]

Well, so. So distant and preoccupied.

[Archie Goodwin]

Honey, you got me wrong completely. I was thinking. Oh, yeah? About telephone number.

[Valerie Ladd]

Well, it's a lovely thing to think about. What can you think about telephone numbers?

[Archie Goodwin]

I was thinking how some girls have them and some don't.

[Valerie Ladd]

Oh, I see. Archie, I apologize.

[Archie Goodwin]

For what?

[Valerie Ladd]

I did have you wrong. You're not a bit distant.

[Archie Goodwin]

I can be a lot closer than this. Honey, what is it?

[Valerie Ladd]

What's what?

[Nero Wolfe]

The number.

[Valerie Ladd]

Oh, it's in the book.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah, no wonder.

[Valerie Ladd]

Sound as if you don't believe me.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, I Believe you. But here's a telephone book here. Let's look it up together, shall we?

[Valerie Ladd]

Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Valerie Ladd]

I, I'm afraid I lied to you.

[Archie Goodwin]

I was afraid of that, too.

[Valerie Ladd]

Are you angry?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, I can take no for an answer, honey, even when it's hard to take.

[Valerie Ladd]

Archie, I've changed my mind. I want you to have my number, and I want you to use it, too.

[Archie Goodwin]

You know, honey, I'm beginning to take an interest in this dialogue. Let's have it.

[Valerie Ladd]

Okay. Olympia 93659.

[Archie Goodwin]

And a very, very pretty number it is. Valerie Ladd, 2ds, Olympia 93659. Honey blonde, hon. Gorgeous. Spelled gorgeous there. What are we doing tonight, Olympia nine.

[Valerie Ladd]

And I said that you were distant and preoccupied.

[Archie Goodwin]

We were talking about tonight.

[Valerie Ladd]

All right, Archie? Yes, I'd love it. These orchids, they're really beyond belief and you won't even look at them.

[Archie Goodwin]

True. I'm too busy looking at you.

[Valerie Ladd]

Well, how do I look, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

Beyond belief, honey. Beyond belief. Well, there goes the good one. Luck again. It's a house phone, partner. Yes, sir. Okay. He wants us to come down, Archie. Yes, dear.

[Valerie Ladd]

Even if he says no, we, we

[Archie Goodwin]

still have a tape, honey, though the heavens fall. When we entered the office, Mr. Wolf was frowning over a sheet of letter paper in his hand. He looked up and tossed the paper to me.

[Nero Wolfe]

That is a peculiar thing, Archie. The sheet of letter paper just arrived. Since Ms. Ladd is interested in detection, show it to her.

[Valerie Ladd]

Thank you. But some sort of code, isn't it? Q, W, E, R, T, Y, U, I, O, P. That's all. What do you suppose it means?

[Inspector Kramer]

You're kidding, Argy.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh.

[Valerie Ladd]

What, did I say Something wrong?

[Archie Goodwin]

No, Ms. Laird, I'm sorry, but I'm

[Nero Wolfe]

afraid I haven't time for an interview just now. Goodbye, Ms. Laird.

[Valerie Ladd]

Oh, but Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

Goodbye, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Say goodbye to Mr. Wolfe and let's go.

[Valerie Ladd]

Goodbye.

[Archie Goodwin]

That's the way things can be around here. Here's the door. And shall we, shall we pause for station identification?

[Valerie Ladd]

I'll wipe it off, Archie. There.

[Archie Goodwin]

Thanks.

[Valerie Ladd]

What happened, archie? Yes, indeed, Mr. Wolf, I mean. Oh, why did he suddenly want me to go?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, I'll tell you, though I don't know whether I should. That, that code message he showed you.

[Valerie Ladd]

Yes?

[Archie Goodwin]

Quirky up.

[Valerie Ladd]

You remember.

[Archie Goodwin]

Sure, because I use a typewriter from left to right. It's the first bank of letters on any typewriter.

[Valerie Ladd]

I see.

[Archie Goodwin]

It was a test and you flunked it, baby. You're no writer.

[Valerie Ladd]

Archie, I, I, I can explain.

[Archie Goodwin]

Sure, sure, sure. Tonight.

[Valerie Ladd]

Tonight? Ar. You do believe me, don't you, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, of course, baby, of course.

[Valerie Ladd]

Just that I was there at the party. I mean, when. When poor Florence was murdered. Then I read in the paper about, well, how they caught the man at Nero Wolf. And I always wanted to be a writer, so I thought if I could get an exclusive interview and, well, that would be a good way to start my career, wouldn't it?

[Anson Stark]

Yes.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, it would. Pardon me a second, will you, Valerie? I gotta make a phone call. There's a booth. It'll only take a minute or two.

[Nero Wolfe]

Near Wolf. Speaking.

[Archie Goodwin]

Archie, I'm at the Riviera with Valerie Laddie.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm happy for you, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

I will remind you that I have not seen you since Valerie left the house.

[Nero Wolfe]

I was otherwise occupied, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

With orchids.

[Nero Wolfe]

With orchids. What do you want, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

Look, with that typewriter gag, you practically told me she was a phony, didn't you?

[Nero Wolfe]

Of course, of course.

[Archie Goodwin]

Just for the record, how did you know?

[Nero Wolfe]

Have you looked at her fingernails? She never touched a typewriter in her life. I wanted to be sure.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, now. Now do you want me to tell you something?

[Nero Wolfe]

You mean that your charming companion, Valerie, was at the party when Mrs. March was murdered?

[Archie Goodwin]

How did you know that?

[Nero Wolfe]

Simple, Archie. I got a list of the guests from Inspector Kramer. Among them was the name of Valerie Ladway. Simple Ladway Lad.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah, sure. Okay. What am I supposed to do about it?

[Nero Wolfe]

Just hang on, Archie. Just hang on.

[Archie Goodwin]

I went back to the honey blonde, the beautiful phony Valerie Ladd Ladway. I mean, I went back to the table where she should have been, but she wasn't there. I sat down and waited, looked at my watch. 1124, 1132. No, Ms. Ladway. 1145. I finally realized that not only Valerie, but her coat and bag were also absent. I called the waiter. Yes, sir? What happened to my friend?

[Nero Wolfe]

The young lady left some time ago, sir.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, give me the bill. She paid it, sir. She did? Yes, sir.

[Willie Inch]

In fact, she said you gave her

[Nero Wolfe]

the money for it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Well, I didn't know it, but she is certainly right.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, my. Well, Archie, this is most thoughtless of you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Sorry, I. I lost my keys. My money too.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your keys, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah. Glad you were still up.

[Nero Wolfe]

You lost Ms. Ladway, too?

[Archie Goodwin]

Definitely. I'm going to bed.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good night, A.J.

[Archie Goodwin]

you think it's funny, don't you?

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, Archie, yes. Yes, I do.

[Archie Goodwin]

Good night, Mr. Wolves.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Nero Wolfe]

Before you retire, one thing.

[Anson Stark]

What?

[Nero Wolfe]

Open the safe, will you? And leave it open.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[Nero Wolfe]

Because there's nothing in it of importance and it's a valuable safe and I don't want it damaged. Good night, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

At about 2 o' clock in the morning, I thought I heard a noise. I got up, put on the rest of my pajamas, picked up my gun and went down to the office. The man had his head in the safe and everything was scattered all over. I stepped inside the door. Put your hands behind your back and stand up.

[Valerie Ladd]

Huh?

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, now, just what are you after? When I woke up, I was alone on the office floor. I did not feel good. The place looked as if a hurricane had struck it. Every file drawer had been empty. I felt a draft from somewhere, got to my feet, trying not to joggle my head too much. There's a front door standing open. It closed it gently. Then very, very gently, I groped my way to the kitchen for ice water and towels. What? Oh. Didn't you hear me scream?

[Nero Wolfe]

No. Is it bad?

[Archie Goodwin]

It's better.

[Nero Wolfe]

You're angry, aren't you?

[Archie Goodwin]

Nuts.

[Nero Wolfe]

What are you?

[Archie Goodwin]

I said nuts, Mr. Wolf. Nuts.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm sorry about what happened.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah, you expected it.

[Nero Wolfe]

But I didn't expect you to be caught by somebody behind you. You must have known there would be two of them.

[Archie Goodwin]

How would I know that? How?

[Nero Wolfe]

Think of Mr. Ladwave's delicate hands. Do you believe she intended to open the safe herself?

[Archie Goodwin]

You think she stole my keys and so on? Well, let me tell you. Wait. That guy was digging in the safe. That. Then who hit me in the head?

[Nero Wolfe]

Someday you'll be the death of me. In the morning, will you tell Inspector Kramer I'd like to see him here,

[Archie Goodwin]

Fuming and protesting. Kramer arrived about 1:30. When I let him into the office, Mr. Wolf was gazing thoughtfully at the ground floor plan of the house of the late Mrs. Florence Avery March. We'd gotten it from the original architects. Wolf looked up and almost smiled.

[Nero Wolfe]

Thank you for coming to me, Inspector. You know how difficult it is for me to come to you.

[Inspector Kramer]

Okay, okay.

[Archie Goodwin]

What's up?

[Nero Wolfe]

I take it you haven't found the diamonds.

[Inspector Kramer]

No, not yet. We'll break inch down, though. Don't think we won't.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, I'm sure. But this is what I want to ask you and it's quite serious.

[Inspector Kramer]

Okay? Okay. All right, Watt.

[Nero Wolfe]

After the body was found, your men arrived at the house before anyone left, Right? And before anybody was allowed to go. Every person was searched thoroughly.

[Inspector Kramer]

Nobody could have gotten a pin or a needle out of that place.

[Nero Wolfe]

I know something about police methods and I believe you now, how thoroughly did you search the house itself?

[Inspector Kramer]

Wolf, look, we've got that floor plan you're studying now. There are no hidden closets. Every square inch of that house has been examined. The diamonds aren't there. Willie Inch killed the dame and snatched the diamonds. What he did with them, we'll find out.

[Nero Wolfe]

Possibly. Possibly. Goodbye, inspector.

[Archie Goodwin]

At approximately 3:15, the postman arrived with an envelope for me. The envelope contained my keys, the bill from the Riviera and the money left after the check was paid. At approximately 5:07pm I discovered that Wolf had been using the telephone all by himself. He explained he was going to have a party. He had invited all of the guests who were at Mrs. Florence Avery marches somewhat fatal part, including Anson Stark, Willie Inch and Valerie Nero. Wolf, the natural born ham. He made an entrance that would have been worthy of Queen Victoria in her heavier days. He sat in his oversized throne behind his oversized desk and beamed at the peasants. Valerie moved toward me.

[Valerie Ladd]

I'm. I'm sorry, Archie, but you must know why I did it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[Valerie Ladd]

Well, you said I wasn't a writer. I wanted to prove that you weren't a detective.

[Archie Goodwin]

Did you take the stuff while we were dancing?

[Valerie Ladd]

I could have, couldn't I?

[Archie Goodwin]

You could have bumped me on the head last night too, couldn't you? Oh, Archie, let it go. It was humiliating, though.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you realize the purpose of this party. We want to know who killed Mrs. March and what became of her diamonds. Mr. Inch?

[Willie Inch]

Yeah?

[Nero Wolfe]

When you visited the room where the body was found, the room was dark.

[Willie Inch]

The bulb was burned out. I tried to turn it on.

[Nero Wolfe]

There had been a body on the bed. Would you have seen it?

[Willie Inch]

Maybe.

[Archie Goodwin]

With all those coats.

[Willie Inch]

Maybe not, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Stark.

[Anson Stark]

Yes? I said the light was on. Perhaps I was wrong.

[Archie Goodwin]

What of it?

[Nero Wolfe]

You're engaged in the manufacture of tubes for radio and television.

[Anson Stark]

I told you that.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector Kramer?

[Anson Stark]

Yeah.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[Nero Wolfe]

A light bulb was found in the waste basket in the room where Mrs. March died.

[Anson Stark]

Yeah.

[Inspector Kramer]

Like you said, we tried the bulb in the socket and it worked. So what?

[Nero Wolfe]

One more question. Does anybody remember whether Mr. Stark was carrying a bundle or a package under his arm when he arrived at Mrs. March's party?

[Valerie Ladd]

I do, Mr. Wolf. I think he had a box of flowers.

[Anson Stark]

That's true. I did bring flowers.

[Nero Wolfe]

No, Mr. Stark. That box contained two parts of a light bulb and some adhesive. During the party, you strangled Mrs. March, put the diamonds into the light bulb, assembled the thing and screwed it into the lamp socket. Archie, stop him. Really, Archie, it was quite simple. Light bulbs are only a stem, glass bowl and a brass sheet. Yet nobody, including the police, would think of looking inside one. Mr. Stark could come back and collect his treasure anytime after the excitement had died down. What's the matter, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

I got a headache.

[Nero Wolfe]

Valerie Ladd led me. Poor girl. She and whoever the man was with her must have thought the diamonds were here. That bump on your head will be

[Anson Stark]

better in the morning.

[Nero Wolfe]

Bottle of beer, please. AR

[Archie Goodwin]

I'm going to bed. Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

Why must you place such confidence in women? Remember what happened to Mark Anthony and Samson And Archie Goodwin. Good night, Archie.

[Narrator]

You have been listening to the New Adventures of Nero Wolf, starring Sydney Green Street. Tonight's transcribed story by Mind Writt Lord was based on the characters created by Rex Stout, produced and directed by J. Donald Wilson. This is an Edwin Fadiman production. In the cast were Harry Bartel as Archie Goodwin and Gigi Pearson, Bud Easton, Gray Stafford, Dick Ryan and Bill Johnstone. Next week at this same time, Nero Wolf and Archie will bring you the case of the Midnight Ride. Don Stanley speaking. Three chimes mean good times on NBC.