Nero Wolfe: The Slaughtered Santas 12/22/1950

Summary

Choice Classic Radio Detectives | Nero Wolfe: "The Slaughtered Santas" (12/22/1950)

Podcast: Choice Classic Radio Detectives
Episode: Nero Wolfe: The Slaughtered Santas
Date: December 30, 2025
Host: Choice Classic Radio

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Overview

In this festive yet chilling mystery from the golden age of radio, detective Nero Wolfe and his witty assistant Archie Goodwin investigate a string of murders targeting men dressed as Santa Claus just days before Christmas. As the bodies accumulate, Wolfe and Goodwin work against time to unravel a clever scheme—one that hides motive beneath a veneer of holiday chaos and charity, threatening both a wealthy client and the spirit of the season.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Case Begins: Murdered Santas and a Frightened Visitor

• [01:22] Archie Goodwin receives a call from "Santa Claus" (John Barton), who arrives at Wolfe’s office fearing for his life.
• John Barton explains he has been playing Santa for the tuberculosis fund at a busy city intersection and claims someone is targeting Santas.
• Two Santas from the same intersection are already dead—one in a hit-and-run, another shot at home. Barton is convinced he is next.

Notable Quote:

“I have no time for the social graces, Mr. Wolfe. I'm about to be murdered.”
— John Barton ([06:39])

2. Wolfe's Approach: Safety and Investigation

• Wolfe insists Barton remain at his home for protection, refusing to take the case unless Barton complies.
• Archie is sent to the crime scene and to gather police information from Inspector Kramer, learning that both previous victims had no obvious connection except for their role as Santa.

Notable Quote:

“It is very easy to murder someone. Avoiding the consequences of such an action is something else again.”
— Nero Wolfe ([08:35])

3. The Suspects and Motives

• Archie visits Barton's home, meeting Laura (niece) and Wayne Stevens (half-brother). Both stand to inherit from Barton's estate.
• The butler, Pleasant, is suspiciously missing.
• Laura tracks Archie back to Wolfe’s home, revealing deep concern and a complicated relationship.

Notable Quote:

“How much money do you inherit on the death of your uncle?”
— Nero Wolfe, shocking Laura and drawing attention to motive ([18:16])

4. Twists and Disguises

• Barton vanishes from Wolfe’s protection, evidenced by Archie being knocked out.
• Inspector Kramer posits a bank robbery theory, suggesting the Santas may have witnessed a bank’s routines, making them targets.
• Wolfe sends Archie to retrieve a mysterious “coffee-loving friend” from the street—the supposed bum previously encountered.

Notable Quote:

“If you were very clever, you would hide it in a forest. If you wanted to hide a murder and were very clever, you'd adopt the same principle.”
— Nero Wolfe explains the ruse ([26:09])

5. The Reveal: Motive, Method, and the Real Barton

• Wolfe assembles Laura, Wayne, and the bum (who’d been requesting “two bits for coffee”) at his home.
• Wolfe deduces the two previous murders were committed to make Barton’s planned murder appear random, avoiding direct suspicion.
• Through logic and knowledge—such as who knew about Barton’s escape—Wolfe unmasks Wayne as the mastermind, having used the butler Pleasant as an accomplice. Stevens’ inside knowledge (without being told) betrays him.

Notable Quotes:

“It was Stevens who knew without being told that Barton had been in this house and had fled from it.”
— Nero Wolfe ([29:16])

“So it turns out I gave a quarter to a millionaire.”
— Archie Goodwin, after realizing the "bum" is actually Barton in disguise ([30:19])

6. Resolution & Epilogue

• The “bum” on the street is revealed as John Barton, hiding in plain sight and evading his would-be murderer.
• Wolfe explains that "Pleasant," the butler, posed as Barton to lure Wolfe into finding the real target for Wayne.
• With logic (and sharp questioning), Wolfe unravels the layered deception.
• Laura is exonerated, Wayne is in police custody, and Barton is safe.

Notable Quote:

“Not recognition, Mr. Barton. Logic.”
— Nero Wolfe ([30:32])

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Comic Banter:
  “You'd make a wonderful Santa Claus. You got the perfect build for it. As for character…” — Archie Goodwin to Wolfe ([05:44])

• Archie’s Wit:
  “Prettiest butler I ever saw. Blonde. Now old Dr. Tidmouse always said beware of blondes…” — Archie ([15:00])

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:22] – Introduction to the case: Santa Claus calls Nero Wolfe.
• [06:39] – Barton arrives, claims he's targeted for murder.
• [08:35] – Wolfe demands Barton stays put; outlines risk avoidance.
• [11:05] – Archie's scene with Inspector Kramer at police HQ.
• [12:50] – Archie's first encounter with Laura and Wayne at Barton’s home.
• [18:16] – Wolfe startles Laura with questions about her inheritance.
• [20:25] – Archie confronts Barton, who’s armed and then disappears.
• [22:12] – Inspector Kramer discusses the bank robbery theory.
• [23:38] – Archie brings the “bum” to Wolfe; confrontation begins.
• [26:01] – Wolfe’s ‘forest’ analogy reveals the murders’ true purpose.
• [29:16] – Wolfe pins key suspicion on Wayne Stevens.
• [30:19] – Archie realizes the “bum” is Barton himself.

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Conclusion

This classic Nero Wolfe episode blends festive atmosphere with a tense, layered mystery. The plot uses clever misdirection—both narrative and literal disguise—to explore themes of greed, deception, and hiding evil “in plain sight,” culminating in Wolfe’s signature deductive triumph buoyed by Archie Goodwin’s streetwise humor.

Listeners enjoy the vintage interplay between master detective and street-smart assistant while appreciating the intricate narrative mechanics that still stand up as a shining example of old-time radio detective storytelling.

Transcript

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[Archie Goodwin]

Classic Radio where we bring to you the greatest old time radio shows like us on Facebook. Subscribe to us on YouTube and thank you for [e-mail] Ladies and gentlemen, the.

[Narrator]

Ringing of that phone bell means mystery adventure.

[Archie Goodwin]

Nero Wolf's office, Archie Goodwin speaking. Yes, yes, I know that in 48 hours it's going to be Christmas, but who is this? Who? Look, I'm a big boy now, so. Okay, tonight at 8. Goodbye.

[Nero Wolfe]

What the devil was that?

[Archie Goodwin]

This may come as a shock to you, Mr. Wolf, but that was Santa Claus.

[Nero Wolfe]

You been drinking?

[Archie Goodwin]

Uh huh, the usual. Mil. He's coming to see you at 8. He's got a problem. Indeed. It seems that some low, not to mention murderous character is going around slaughtering Santa Clauses.

[Narrator]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the bulkiest, balkiest, smartest and most unpredictable detective in the world. That chairborne genius, Nero Wolf. Created by Rex Dodd and brought to you in a new series of adventures over this NBC network in the person of Mr. Sydney Greenstreet.

[Archie Goodwin]

It began earlier than eight. The case of the Slaughtered Santas. It began to be precise. On the corner of 34th street and Carlisle. The hour was close to six. The weather cold, the sky dark.

[Nero Wolfe]

How you doing, Santa? I'm freezing to death. I would say it's a cold day.

[Archie Goodwin]

You packing up?

[Nero Wolfe]

Yeah, I guess so. Not many people around Anymore.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh. Heading for home and dinner.

[Nero Wolfe]

How was the collection? Well, I don't need no armored car.

[Inspector Kramer]

But a few dozen kids are gonna have something for their Christmas stockings.

[Archie Goodwin]

Your competition.

[Nero Wolfe]

The guy in the opposite corner's already screaming.

[Archie Goodwin]

Probably got low blood pressure.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yeah.

[Inspector Kramer]

Give me a hand to get the.

[Nero Wolfe]

Collection part off the chains, eh?

[Wayne Stevens]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

There you go.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah, thanks. I'll just walk you down the block.

[Nero Wolfe]

Gotta phone in. Okay, fine.

[Archie Goodwin]

One Santa still left.

[Nero Wolfe]

I wonder what he's waiting for.

[Archie Goodwin]

Santa Claus.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, watch yourself. Going down those chimneys tonight. Sure, sure. Well, I'll cut across the avenue here. Be seeing you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hey, that car coming down the street.

[John Barton]

Got its lights out.

[Nero Wolfe]

Look. Hey, Peg.

[Laura Barton]

Huh?

[Nero Wolfe]

Ever tell you I love you?

[Laura Barton]

Ah, it's not me you love. It's a hot soup.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ah, now, you're not the only woman.

[Archie Goodwin]

Who can cook a dish of soup, huh? It helps, though.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm just beginning to thaw out. Yeah, that's a cold corner you place Santa Claus on. Well, don't hurt to make a few bucks.

[Archie Goodwin]

I ain't done so good this past year.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, maybe the next year it'll be. Oh, well, besides, I kind of like it. You know, kids asking questions all day long. Yeah. You know, I wonder how they figure the other two Santas at the intersection.

[Laura Barton]

Our kids think of only one thing at a time.

[Nero Wolfe]

Horses.

[Archie Goodwin]

Sherpa.

[Nero Wolfe]

You know, one of them other Santas.

[Archie Goodwin]

Got hit by a car tonight.

[Nero Wolfe]

Packed up a few minutes before I.

[Archie Goodwin]

Did, started crossing the avenue and bang. You're a hit and run driver.

[Laura Barton]

Oh, gosh, that's too bad. Was he hurt?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, he was killed.

[Laura Barton]

Here's your suit. With traffic the way it is nowadays.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, I better take a look at the stew.

[Nero Wolfe]

Somebody at the door. I'll get it pegged.

[Archie Goodwin]

The wall.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, Archie, I've been thinking. Good heavens.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, I admit it won't bring about a national emergency, but, Mr. Wolf, Christmas is only a couple of days away.

[Nero Wolfe]

If you're hinting about your present.

[Archie Goodwin]

No, no, no. I was just imagining you behind a team of reindeer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your imagination is morbid.

[Archie Goodwin]

You'd make a wonderful Santa Claus. You got the perfect build for it. As for character.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Nero Wolfe]

Can you picture me scrambling down a chimney?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, I might have to build bigger chim, but there's that, too.

[Nero Wolfe]

However that is the front door.

[Archie Goodwin]

True.

[Nero Wolfe]

I was thinking you might see who it is.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, if nobody's been lying to me on the phone, that'll be Santa Claus. Maybe me, but I haven't decided what I want for Christmas yet, Mr. Wolf. For example, should she be blonde or brunette? Tall or short? On my way. Good evening.

[John Barton]

I dislike dawdling on anyone's doorstep.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, stop dawdling. Come in, please.

[John Barton]

Mr. Wolf has been warned of my arrival.

[Archie Goodwin]

He has? Through here. Mr. Wolf, this is Santa Claus.

[John Barton]

My name is Barton, John Barton.

[Nero Wolfe]

How do you do, sir?

[John Barton]

I have no time for the social graces, Mr. Wolfe. I'm about to be murdered.

[Nero Wolfe]

Hardly in my house. I have objections.

[John Barton]

I'm a frightened man, Mr. Wolfe.

[Archie Goodwin]

This.

[John Barton]

This costume you see me in is responsible for it all.

[Nero Wolfe]

Why are you in it?

[John Barton]

I had a notion it might be well entertaining to play Santa Claus in public. I'm a wealthy man, sir. I can afford to have whimsical. Therefore I have assumed. This masquerade, however, it apparently is going to be the death of me.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Barden, you have adequately conveyed an atmosphere and an emotion. I suggest you concentrate on facts.

[Archie Goodwin]

There you have.

[John Barton]

I have been acting as Santa Claus for the tuberculosis fund. My station is the corner of 34th street and Carlisle Avenue. I might add the northeast corner.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[John Barton]

Because at that intersection there have been two other Santa Clauses. One on the southeast corner and one on the southwest corner.

[Nero Wolfe]

Three. Santa Claus. Then on three corners.

[John Barton]

Yes. Now, Ted, earlier tonight the man on the southwest corner started home. He was crossing the avenue when he was run down and killed by an automobile.

[Nero Wolfe]

A regrettable accident.

[John Barton]

The car was running without lights. It deliberately ran the fellow down and then vanished. Not an accident, Mr. Wolfe.

[Nero Wolfe]

You saw this yourself?

[John Barton]

I did. One Santa Cross death. The man on the southeast corner got home all right. According to the radio news flash, that's where he was killed by bullets.

[Nero Wolfe]

Coincident?

[John Barton]

Possibly, but I wouldn't want to risk my life on the chance.

[Nero Wolfe]

This is Friday night. In the nature of things, you would have made two more appearances. Very well, Mr. Burton.

[John Barton]

I'll write you a check as a retainer.

[Wayne Stevens]

Then hurry along home.

[John Barton]

I'm late now.

[Nero Wolfe]

No.

[John Barton]

I beg your pardon?

[Nero Wolfe]

You will neither hurry home nor notify anyone at your home of your whereabouts. But you remain here until such time as I think it's safe for you to leave. The house is well guarded.

[John Barton]

I can't do that.

[Nero Wolfe]

In which case, I cannot accept you as a client.

[John Barton]

I fail to understand, Mr. Barton.

[Nero Wolfe]

It is very easy to murder someone. Avoiding the consequences of such an action is something else again. However, I'm assuming that you're not primarily interested in what happens to your murderer after you're dead.

[Archie Goodwin]

Of course not.

[Nero Wolfe]

Therefore, you remain here. Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yep.

[Nero Wolfe]

First, the corner of 34th and Carlisle.

[John Barton]

A complete report What? That's nonsense. The corner will be deserted.

[Nero Wolfe]

Now, Mr. Barton, you're hiring my intelligence. You therefore permit me to use it as I see fit. A complete report, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Right, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

You will then visit Inspector Crame at headquarters. You will, in whatever manner you find effective, collect all the police information about the two already murdered Santas.

[Archie Goodwin]

Fine. The manner, I think, will be applying a blowtorch to the inspector's toes.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your levity is ill timed.

[Archie Goodwin]

The inspector is likely to throw me out of my ear. Your problem, my ear.

[Nero Wolfe]

And on your way home, you might stop in at Mr. Barton's place. I don't see any purpose in that. Mr. Barton, there is a basic problem to which we must find an answer. Whether those two men were murdered because they were Santa Clauses or because their deaths were merely preliminaries to yours. Archie, I suggest haste.

[Wayne Stevens]

Yes, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

And avoid blondes. I would like you to be home.

[John Barton]

In time for Christmas.

[Nero Wolfe]

Hey, Pugs.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[John Barton]

Got the price of a cup of coffee.

[Archie Goodwin]

You sure you mean coffee?

[Nero Wolfe]

Either you're gonna dig it up.

[Archie Goodwin]

He ain't.

[Nero Wolfe]

Remind the questions about my personal affairs, see?

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, I apologize.

[Wayne Stevens]

Here. Two bits.

[Archie Goodwin]

Thanks. You're welcome.

[Nero Wolfe]

Don't let me keep you.

[Archie Goodwin]

You're not 34th and Carlisle, huh? During the day filled with milling throngs. That's a nice phrase. I'll have to remember it. Milling throngs. And now desolate and deserted. Well, that's life. Is that a fact? That's philosophy.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yeah, but two bits. I don't have to listen to no philosopher, see? Good night.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, the inspector's got company.

[Inspector Kramer]

If all you reporters will shut up and ask your questions one by one, I'll answer them.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector Kramer, it's true a couple of Santa Clauses have been knocked off tonight.

[Inspector Kramer]

It's true that two men who have been employed as Santa Claus by charitable organizations have been murdered.

[John Barton]

Yes.

[Inspector Kramer]

Any connection between those two guys, or.

[Archie Goodwin]

Does somebody just hate Santa Claus?

[Inspector Kramer]

So far as we know, there is no connection.

[John Barton]

That means it could be maybe some kind of maniac who decided he doesn't like Christmas or Santa Claus.

[Archie Goodwin]

Is that right?

[Inspector Kramer]

The department is investigating along those lines.

[Archie Goodwin]

Like how?

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, we're checking all the local asylums for possible escape.

[Archie Goodwin]

Lunatics.

[Wayne Stevens]

Yeah, but Inspector, suppose this nut has.

[Archie Goodwin]

Never been in an asylum.

[Inspector Kramer]

That'll be all, boys. I said that'll be all. Now, anything new comes in, you'll get it. Understand? A good one.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hello, Inspector.

[Inspector Kramer]

I spotted you coming in. What happened? You decided to reform and got a job on a paper?

[Archie Goodwin]

Nope. I'm a Public spirited citizen, that's all.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yeah, I could add a few things to that description with practically no strain at all.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Wolf and I are very sentimental about Christmas. We object to Santa Claus is being killed. Nuts. Oh, Inspector, aren't you in favor of Christmas?

[Inspector Kramer]

I'm in favor of Christmas. I'm in favor of motherhood. I'm in.

[Archie Goodwin]

Leave motherhood out of this. Neither of us are mothers. Our chances of becoming mothers aren't too good either. And furthermore.

[Inspector Kramer]

Okay, okay, you're not given, so get out of here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Thank you, Inspector.

[Inspector Kramer]

But Goodwin, in case Wolf decides to send me something for Christmas, you know.

[Archie Goodwin]

What I wish he'd send me? What? Your head.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, now I know what I want for Christmas.

[Laura Barton]

What did you say?

[Archie Goodwin]

I said my name is Goodwin and it's cold on your doorstep.

[Laura Barton]

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Come in.

[Archie Goodwin]

You didn't mention your name.

[Laura Barton]

I'm Laura Barton.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mrs. Laura Barton?

[Laura Barton]

No.

[Nero Wolfe]

Fine.

[Archie Goodwin]

That is. What relation are you to John Barton?

[Laura Barton]

His niece. Why do you ask?

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, you've got a beautiful voice. All this marble and no butler.

[Laura Barton]

I don't know where Pleasant is. He should be here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Have him shot at sunrise. Oh, Laura.

[Laura Barton]

Wayne, this is Mr. Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

Never heard of him.

[Wayne Stevens]

What has he won?

[Laura Barton]

Well, I don't know.

[Archie Goodwin]

Wayne what?

[Wayne Stevens]

Stevens.

[Archie Goodwin]

Uh huh. Friend of Mr. Barton.

[Wayne Stevens]

Half brother, but we seem to be doing all the answering. How about your answering some questions, Goodwin?

[Archie Goodwin]

I'll try.

[Wayne Stevens]

Come into the library. What do you want for Christmas?

[Archie Goodwin]

Erase that. I would like to see Mr. Barton.

[Wayne Stevens]

He's not home.

[Archie Goodwin]

Where is he?

[Wayne Stevens]

Don't you know?

[Archie Goodwin]

I wouldn't have come here asking for him if I did, would I?

[Wayne Stevens]

I suppose that's true. What did you want with him?

[Archie Goodwin]

Conversation. About anything. See, I like to talk to rich men. Are you rich?

[Wayne Stevens]

I can't play the piano either.

[Archie Goodwin]

You could always learn. But being rich is harder. I found it.

[Laura Barton]

Mr. Mr. Goodwin. You must have some reason for coming here. Some reason? Concerning Uncle.

[Wayne Stevens]

Laura, you're being imaginative.

[Laura Barton]

Well, uncle is late.

[Wayne Stevens]

He's probably still on that street corner playing Santa Claus. He enjoys it. Why bother about what?

[Laura Barton]

I don't know.

[Archie Goodwin]

Except he's never been as late as this.

[Wayne Stevens]

Well, no, not since he started that masquerade of his.

[Archie Goodwin]

Would you happen to know where the butler is?

[Wayne Stevens]

Out getting drunk, I suspect. He was in the kitchen a little while ago. Disappeared.

[Archie Goodwin]

Pleasant.

[Wayne Stevens]

Likes to look on the wine when it's red or even when it's rye. No, I take that back. Oh you do? He prefers Irish whiskey. We don't stock it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Therefore, not too bad. I better run along. Good night, Mr. Stevens, Ms. Martin. Good night.

[Laura Barton]

I'll see you out.

[Archie Goodwin]

Prettiest butler I ever saw. Blonde. Now old Dr. Tidmouse always said beware of blondes because.

[Laura Barton]

Mr. Goodwin, I.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, I'm waiting.

[Laura Barton]

Well, I. Mr. Goodwin, you must know something about Uncle. Something you didn't want to tell us.

[Archie Goodwin]

Makes you think so.

[Laura Barton]

Well, otherwise your visit was just pointless.

[Archie Goodwin]

Let's suppose I know. I might be a kidnapper. Oh no, my honest brown eyes.

[Laura Barton]

Your first name is Archie, isn't it?

[Archie Goodwin]

Archie. Archie Goodwin. Goes together nicely, don't you think?

[Laura Barton]

You work for Nero Wolf. You're going back to him now.

[Archie Goodwin]

I might be. But then again I might be going to the movies.

[Laura Barton]

I recognized you. Your pictures have been in the papers. Take me with you to see Mr. Wolf. You can trust me.

[Archie Goodwin]

I never trust Blun.

[Laura Barton]

That's unfair.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, no, I don't trust brunettes either. Furthermore, I'm not sure Mr. Wolf would want to see you so I.

[Laura Barton]

So.

[Archie Goodwin]

So why don't you trail me home? That's you. Archie. Archie. Where's Santa Claus?

[Nero Wolfe]

Guest room. He was tired. What?

[Archie Goodwin]

I've been trailed home deep by a blonde. All right, I admit I didn't make any strenuous effort to shake her off, but she trailed.

[Nero Wolfe]

Where is she?

[Archie Goodwin]

Outside. Good.

[Nero Wolfe]

You're a poor.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, but she might freeze to death out there.

[Nero Wolfe]

That's her problem. You're a portage.

[Archie Goodwin]

It's short and simple.

[Nero Wolfe]

It would be simple.

[Archie Goodwin]

I haven't got time to resent that a blonde is dying. As for the report, corner of 34th and Carlisle is a very quiet spot at night. No one was around. But Obama got into me for a quarter for coffee.

[Nero Wolfe]

He said you will not put that quarter on the expense account.

[Archie Goodwin]

Stop worrying. That was a private gesture. There were four corners. Corner number one at a dress shop on it. Corner number two, a drugstore with a beautiful red head in the window making with a hair rinse. The ad said her name was Noreen, but it didn't give her phone number. Achieve third corner was devoted to a shoe store and the fourth corner had a bank on it. A bank? Kind of thought we'd have a pause at that point. Mean something.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector Kramer's information consisted of.

[Archie Goodwin]

You're being coy. Kramer furnished the information. The police could find no connection between the two murdered Santas except for the.

[Nero Wolfe]

Fact that they were both playing Santa cars.

[Archie Goodwin]

Isn't that a little on the obvious side?

[Nero Wolfe]

This is an obvious case. The Barton home.

[Archie Goodwin]

Aren't you marble And Old Lace. A butler, his name is Pleasant, was among those missing. Among those present, Laura Barton, the old man's niece, and Wayne Stevens, his half brother. Ah, yeah. Only for Laura Stevens was not at all pretty.

[Nero Wolfe]

It was Laura Barton who followed you here?

[Archie Goodwin]

It was Laura.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie Gostiers.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, now wait a minute. The girl, the weather. Common humanity demands that you have.

[Nero Wolfe]

Louis. You speak for yourself, not humanity. I'm human on occasion. A debatable point. Very well. Let her in.

[Archie Goodwin]

Ah, thanks. Laura. Come in. Laura Barton, Mr. Wolf.

[Laura Barton]

How do you do?

[Nero Wolfe]

How much money do you inherit on the death of your uncle?

[Laura Barton]

What?

[Nero Wolfe]

That is known as the shock treatment. However, I need an answer.

[Laura Barton]

Uncle isn't dead, is he?

[Nero Wolfe]

That, for the moment, is irrelevant. How much?

[Laura Barton]

Half his estate.

[Nero Wolfe]

The other half?

[Laura Barton]

Wayne, Uncle's half brother.

[Nero Wolfe]

Very well. Archie, will you go upstairs and inform Mr. Barton that his niece is here?

[Laura Barton]

Uncle is here.

[Archie Goodwin]

On my way.

[Josh Whalen]

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[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, Archie. Mr. Barton, come in. Mr. Wolf would like you to come downstairs.

[John Barton]

I suppose he Has a reason.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mm. A blonde reason. Your niece. My niece? That's right. She just. Where'd you get that?

[John Barton]

A man of my wealth finds it safer to carry a revolver.

[Archie Goodwin]

But it's not safe to point it at people. Especially for the people.

[Nero Wolfe]

Turn around, Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

But Mr. Barton, we're protecting you.

[John Barton]

By letting that girl into the house? If I had the time, I'd be amused.

[Nero Wolfe]

As it is. Okay. You being drunk? Good heaven, huh?

[Archie Goodwin]

Santa Claus came early. Go ahead. Which one are you referring to? My own or the one Santa gave me?

[Nero Wolfe]

You had better sit.

[Archie Goodwin]

No, no. I had enough trouble getting up a little while ago. I'm staying out of any positions in which I might have to do that again. Mr. Barton is among the missing.

[Nero Wolfe]

Indeed.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hit me on the head and use the back exit. I checked with Fritz in the kitchen on the way here.

[Nero Wolfe]

He offered a reason for his peculiar behavior.

[Archie Goodwin]

Laura Barton.

[Laura Barton]

So I. I don't understand. Uncle wouldn't do.

[Nero Wolfe]

Uncle apparently has. He also would appear fancies himself in costume.

[Laura Barton]

He used to be very much interested in the stage. He acted for a while a long time ago. Till the family objected.

[Nero Wolfe]

IG Got it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Nero Wolf's office. Archie Goodwin speaking.

[Inspector Kramer]

You recite very nicely. Goodwin, this is Kramer. Let me have wolf, huh?

[Wayne Stevens]

Mr. Wolf.

[Archie Goodwin]

Inspector Kramer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, Inspector.

[Inspector Kramer]

The papers haven't been carrying it, Wolf. But you're working on the Santa Claus case, aren't you?

[Nero Wolfe]

Possibility.

[Inspector Kramer]

You didn't send Goodwin down to headquarters on a possibility? Never mind. We're working on a line down here, Wolf. Now look, if it doesn't strain your professional ethics, you might be able to help.

[Archie Goodwin]

How?

[Inspector Kramer]

There's a bank on the corner of 34th street in Carlisle. We got the thought that suppose a gang was preparing to take that bank tomorrow morning. Those Santa Clauses have been on the corner for nearly a week now. They might have noticed something about the bank's routine gods or what have you that could interfere with the gang's plan.

[Nero Wolfe]

A mighty ingenious and imaginative thought, Inspector.

[Inspector Kramer]

You didn't say yes or no.

[Nero Wolfe]

I have at the moment no opinion.

[Inspector Kramer]

That's all you're going to give us at the moment.

[Nero Wolfe]

However, Inspector, in a very little while I shall give you the murderer. Archie. Ms. Parton will remain here. As for you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

You return to 34th street and find our coffee loving friend. You will persuade him in whatever manner you think best. To return here with you, huh?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

You know, I think it possible you may be able to put that quarter on the expense account after all.

[Archie Goodwin]

You what?

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, why, I seen you Before?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah. I've learned to love the neighborhood. That's why it's going to break my heart. What is? Leaving it with you. With sensitive about having guns pulled on me tonight. Not until I. Gun looks in a lot better shape than you do. You're coming with me. Oh, where? Mr. Wolf would like to see you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Hero. Wolf?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah. Well, why? He's trying to salvage a quarter.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ah, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Uh huh.

[Wayne Stevens]

Complete with.

[Archie Goodwin]

He wouldn't give his name. He did have a gun to it though. This one?

[Wayne Stevens]

Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, you know Ms. Barton, of course.

[Archie Goodwin]

Aye.

[Nero Wolfe]

And Mr. Stevens. He joined us a moment ago. Ms. Barton thought she'd be happy if he were here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hello, Stevens.

[Wayne Stevens]

That's not the only reason I came. My brother is still missing. I'm concerned.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, you, sir. Will you sit down? Watching people stand makes me uncomfortable. I don't have to. You do. Archie is stronger than you are. All right, that's better.

[Wayne Stevens]

If you don't mind, Mr. Wolf, I've never been here before, never met you, but you look as though you could handle things. I think my brother's been kidnapped.

[Nero Wolfe]

Possibility we shall have to consider. Ms. Barton, perhaps you have a theory too.

[Laura Barton]

I don't know. Uncle's been behaving strangely for weeks now.

[Archie Goodwin]

What way?

[Laura Barton]

I'm not sure. Wayne.

[Wayne Stevens]

Well, of course John's always been a little peculiar. But I'm afraid I saw nothing especially strange. Outside of this Santa Claus stunt, of course.

[Nero Wolfe]

I see. Ms. Barton, your uncle played Santa Claus all week on one of the corners of 34th street in Carlisle.

[Laura Barton]

I know.

[Nero Wolfe]

On two other corners, two other men indulged in the same activity. Those two other men are now dead.

[Wayne Stevens]

Wait, Mr. Wolf. You mean they were killed by mistake?

[Nero Wolfe]

For Barton, it is true that one man made up of Santa Claus looks very much like any other man's. A Millie costume. But the answer is no. One of the two men was shot in his home after he had removed his costume.

[Wayne Stevens]

Within what connection?

[Nero Wolfe]

Ms. Barton, in the event that you wanted to hide a tree, where would you hide in?

[Laura Barton]

Hide a tree? Why, I wouldn't even begin to know.

[Nero Wolfe]

If you were very clever, you would hide it in a forest. If you wanted to hide a murder and were very clever, you'd adopt the same principle.

[Laura Barton]

Wade, you mean that if someone wanted to kill uncle and didn't want to.

[Nero Wolfe]

Be suspected, he'd go about murdering several people with an ostensible, if lunatic reason? He would, let us say, go about killing Santa Clauses.

[Wayne Stevens]

I get it. Then people would think the man he really wanted dead for a special and Private reason had been killed for something that didn't point to him.

[Nero Wolfe]

True. That was why two Santa Clauses were murdered tonight. The third Santa Claus, however, the real object of the murderer's attention was lucky or suspicious. He fled. Ah, do I have to hang around here and listen to all this? You do, my unwashed friend. Mr. Barton fled and the murderer was in a quandary. He had, so to speak, invested in two murders merely to make the third one confusing. But he found himself unable to commit that third murder. He couldn't find his victim. Could he ask the police to do so? Hardly. But he might try to inveigle a private detective such as myself into the job.

[Wayne Stevens]

That makes sense, Mr. Wolfe. But why would my brother have deliberately fled from your house? I mean, he was protected here, so. But do I make myself clear?

[Nero Wolfe]

Very clear, Mr. Stevens. Archie, that gun you took from the dirty gentleman, you still have it?

[Archie Goodwin]

I still have it.

[Nero Wolfe]

Then would you mind pointing it at Mr. Stevens here until the police remove him?

[Inspector Kramer]

All right. Come along, Stevens.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, that's the end of Mr. Stevens. Inspector Kramer will take good care of him from now on. But now, Mr. Wolf, Laura and me and the refugee from a washcloth over here would still like to know how and why and who was involved.

[Nero Wolfe]

I knew two people had a motive for John Barton's death. Laura Barton and Wayne Stevens. One of them proceeded to kill Santa Clauses in the hope that the police would assume those killings to be the work of a lunatic.

[Archie Goodwin]

The paper certainly hopped on that assumption. Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

However, John Barton, aware that his life was in danger, escaped his murderer and.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hid in this house. No.

[Nero Wolfe]

A man in Santa Claus costume came here and said he was Barton. However, he was an obvious imposter. He proved that by his flight when his niece came here.

[Laura Barton]

You mean he could fool you. But he knew he wouldn't be able to fool me so.

[Nero Wolfe]

Precisely, therefore, it was not Barton. Who was it? Who else had disappeared at the propitious moment?

[Archie Goodwin]

The butler, Pleasant.

[Nero Wolfe]

True, I distrust coincidence. Stevens needed an accomplice, hence he sent Pleasant here.

[Archie Goodwin]

And Pleasant would give you a song and dance about Barton's danger and then scram. You'd start investigating, discover Barton was missing, try to find him and lead Stevens to his victim. Huh?

[Nero Wolfe]

I frustrated that part of the plan by insisting on Pleasant's remaining here, which he did until.

[Archie Goodwin]

That part of it's fine. But how did you choose between Laura and Stevens?

[Nero Wolfe]

It was Stevens who knew without being told that Barton had been in this house and had fled from it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah, yeah, you yourself mentioned that Stevens had only been here a moment, so you hadn't told him.

[Nero Wolfe]

Obviously the butler phoned him as soon as he had hit you over the head and escaped. Furthermore, the butler, masquerading as Barton, had attempted to throw suspicion on Ms. Barton. That convinced me of her innocence.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, you've done it again, Mr. Wolf. Except for one minor detail.

[Nero Wolfe]

You are not very successful at irony, Archie. What minor detail?

[Archie Goodwin]

Where is Barton in this house? Huh? When did that happen?

[Nero Wolfe]

You arrived home with the gentleman sitting.

[Archie Goodwin]

Near you, the bum. Wait, wait a minute. This I ought to be able to figure out myself. Laura said Barton used to be an actor. That's item one, huh?

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Also, why is a supposed tramp hanging around a deserted intersection for handouts? The answer is he wasn't. He was keeping an eye out for trouble he knew was after him. Oh, so it turns out I gave a quarter to a millionaire.

[Laura Barton]

Uncle. Your uncle, that is.

[Nero Wolfe]

I. I know, my dear. Yes, I'm Uncle. I did rather decent job, didn't I?

[Archie Goodwin]

No one recognized me.

[John Barton]

Except, of course, you, Mr. Wolfe.

[Nero Wolfe]

Not recognition, Mr. Barton. Logic, Archie, open some beer for us. Yes, sir. Logic, eh? Well, whatever it was, Mr. Wolf, I.

[Archie Goodwin]

Owe you a good deal. How can I ever repay you?

[Nero Wolfe]

Oddly enough, the answer is simplicity itself. Make out a ch.

[Narrator]

You have been listening to the new Adventures of Nero Wolf, starring Sydney Greenstreet. Tonight's transcribed story was based on the characters created by Rex Stout. This is an Edwin Fadiman program produced and directed by J. Donald Wilson. In the cast were Larry Dobkin as Archie Goodwin and Howard McNear, Grace Lenard, Vic Rodman, Herbert Butterfield, Bill Johnstone, Gene Bates and Bob Bruce. Next week at this same time, Nero Wolf and Archie will bring you the case of the Bashful Body. Don Stanley speaking. Three chimes mean good times on NBC.

[Archie Goodwin]

It.