Richard Diamond, Private Detective: The Singing Critic 11/05/1949

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Richard Diamond, Private Detective: "The Singing Critic" (Originally aired 11/05/1949)

Podcast: Choice Classic Radio Detectives
Host: Choice Classic Radio
Date: March 2, 2026
Episode Theme:
This episode delivers classic comedic detective intrigue as Richard Diamond, private eye and sometimes crooner, faces backlash—not from criminals, but a “singing critic” among his neighbors who will go to great lengths to silence his spontaneous serenades.

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Main Story and Highlights

Neighbors Demand a Song

• [01:02-04:49]
  • Richard Diamond visits his girlfriend, Helen Asher, brimming with glee—he’s been inundated with fan letters from neighboring apartment dwellers, all demanding he resume singing.
  • One particularly dramatic letter from Mrs. Cartwright threatens therapy bills if he does not comply:

    “If you want to save me the $25 a day I would have to pay my psychiatrist, sing yours expectantly…” — Helen (reading Mrs. Cartwright’s letter) [01:51]

  • Another neighbor, “Ellen,” even invites Diamond to her apartment for a private concert, prompting playful jealousy from Helen.

The Grouch in the Building

• [05:13-07:18]
  • A cranky neighbor (“the Grouch”) starts protesting Diamond’s singing, grumbling and (presumably) sabotaging his musical efforts.
  • Helen, half-joking, insists Diamond has a “duty” to sing despite the complaints:

    “Sing. It’s your duty.” — Helen [06:04]

The War on Singing Escalates

• [07:56-11:25]
  • After losing his voice mid-serenade, Diamond laments over hot lemon juice while the Grouch hatches a plan.
  • The Grouch (Ernest Lumpkin) calls rival detective Pat Kosak to sabotage Diamond, offering $50 to stop the nightly performances:

    "Diamond gets more clients than anyone in the business. So he isn't even a competitor... I hate him." — Pat Kosak [09:48]

Detective Games Set in Motion

• [13:43-15:11]
  • Helen receives a mysterious call from “Mr. Jones,” urgently summoning Diamond to a deserted warehouse. Ignoring the obvious set-up, Diamond investigates.
  • He is promptly locked in a commercial icebox.

Locked in and Locked Out

• [16:27-17:46]
  • As Diamond shivers, Sergeant Otis and Lieutenant Levinson rescue him. The fake call was just the beginning.
  • Diamond immediately seeks out "Jones" for answers, with Otis grudgingly in tow.

Steam Room Sabotage

• [18:08-23:31]
  • The lead takes them to Mandelbaum's Swedish Massage, where a steam room trip ends with Diamond and Otis locked inside—foiling them yet again.
  • Otis jokes (and laments) as the pair sweat, with Diamond’s signature wisecracks ever-present:

    "Otis, you couldn't find an elephant in an elevator, but come on and bring your head with you.” — Diamond [17:49] "Otis, you could lose 300 pounds and still weigh in with King Kong." — Diamond [20:34]

The Plot Unravels

• [23:53-24:07]
  • Once freed, back at Helen’s, Diamond deduces it was all a plot to wreck his voice—exposing the Grouch’s scheme with help from Pat Kosak.

The Showdown and a Happy, Musical Ending

• [24:33-27:23]
  • Kosak and Lumpkin spy across the street, eager to witness Diamond’s defeat, but the unintended "therapy" of ice and steam has restored Diamond’s voice.
  • He belts out “Honey Bun” in fine form, much to Lumpkin’s horror and Helen’s delight:

    "That ice box and that steam bath were the best things in the world for my throat." — Diamond [27:14]

Final Scene

• [27:35-28:12]
  • The defeated Grouch admits the plan failed, and Diamond relishes his vocal victory.
  • Helen and Diamond share a lighthearted moment as the curtain falls.

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Notable Quotes

• "You idiot... those people might not leave their apartments for days... get to be like a prison camp... Scurvy. I'll be dying like flies."
  — Richard Diamond [04:25]

• "You want to deprive those poor, discouraged people of a little honest, simple pleasure."
  — Diamond to Helen [04:15]

• "Diamond gets more clients than anyone in the business. So he isn't even a competitor... I hate him."
  — Pat Kosak [09:48]

• "Just open that big mouth and say, 'Oh, yeah,' you'll lasso him."
  — Diamond to Otis, after a spaghetti joke [12:14]

• "If someone wants to get rid of me, why didn't they do it the old fashioned way?"
  — Diamond, trapped in the steam room [21:50]

• "That ice box and that steam bath were the best things in the world for my throat."
  — Richard Diamond [27:14]

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Episode Structure and Key Timestamps

• [01:02] – Diamond and Helen discuss the flood of fan letters and neighborly pressure
• [04:49] – Trouble with the Grouch (“enemy in the cab”)
• [07:56] – Diamond loses his voice mid-song
• [09:21] – Grouch consults rival PI Pat Kosak
• [13:43] – Helen relays the phony call from “Mr. Jones”
• [15:11] – Diamond heads to the warehouse, is locked in an icebox
• [17:01] – Otis and Levinson rescue Diamond
• [18:04] – The next lead: Mandelbaum’s Swedish Massage, ending in a steam room trap
• [20:00-23:31] – Trapped in the steam room; comic banter ensues
• [24:33] – Grouch and Kosak hope for victory, only to be foiled
• [25:15] – Diamond and Helen reunite; Diamond’s voice is better than ever
• [27:14] – The plot is foiled; Diamond delivers a triumphant encore

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Memorable Moments

• Helen’s mock-jealousy over Richard’s adoring fan mail
• The slapstick sequence of voice loss, Grouch sabotage, and “therapy” via household perils
• The constant volley of wisecracks between Diamond, Helen, and Otis
• Reversal ending: the Grouch’s plot backfires, healing Diamond’s voice rather than silencing it

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Tone and Language

• Lighthearted, wisecracking, and fast-paced, blending comedy with vintage detective drama.
• Diamond’s quick wit and tongue-in-cheek banter steal every scene.

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For Listeners

This episode is a classic display of “Richard Diamond”’s humor-infused mystery, poking fun at celebrity, fan culture, and neighborhood politics, all set to a swinging soundtrack of mid-century musical charm—and rounded off, of course, with a happy song.

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Transcript

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Welcome to Choice Classic Radio, where we bring to you the greatest old time radio shows, like us on Facebook, subscribe to us on YouTube, and thank you for [e-mail].

[Narrator]

Here's dick powell as richard diamond, private detective.

[Helen Asher]

Red.

[Richard Diamond]

Hi, baby.

[Helen Asher]

Why? What in the world are you so happy about? Why aren't you at the office?

[Richard Diamond]

Now, don't confuse me, dear. One question at a time. Come on in the study and I'll tell you all about it.

[Helen Asher]

Oh, now, stop being so mysterious. You never come over here at this time of the day.

[Richard Diamond]

Read some of these.

[Helen Asher]

What are they? Letters.

[Richard Diamond]

Read them.

[Helen Asher]

All of them. There must be at least a half, a hundred.

[Richard Diamond]

Close 53. And those are only about one tenth of the pile that's in my office.

[Helen Asher]

Oh, Rick, are these.

[Richard Diamond]

Yes. The lovely, dear, sweet tenants in that gorgeous building right next to this one.

[Helen Asher]

They like your singing.

[Richard Diamond]

Read a couple. Me, me, me. Ho, ho, ho.

[Helen Asher]

Dear Mr. Diamond.

[Richard Diamond]

La, la, la, la.

[Helen Asher]

Rick.

[Richard Diamond]

Go on, go on, go on.

[Helen Asher]

Well, stop sounding like a whole quartet. Dear Mr. Diamond, I live in the building across the way from Ms. Asher's

[Richard Diamond]

apartment, right over there.

[Helen Asher]

At least once a week, I sit in my living room and listen to the sounds of your melodious voice. Last week, however, I waited for seven straight days, but without result, you did not sing. Please, Mr. Diamond, for the sake of my family, continue to sing at least once a week. I am beginning to nag my husband, and yesterday I took the rubber bone away from my French poodle. You see, it's getting to be a real problem with me. And if you want to save me the $25 a day, I would have to pay my psych psychiatrist. Sing yours expectantly, Mrs. Louise Cartwright. Rick, are they all like this?

[Richard Diamond]

No, certainly not. Some of them are really desperate. Now, here's the one I saved out. Read this one if you really want to get a charge. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Helen Asher]

My dearest Mr. Diamond.

[Richard Diamond]

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

[Helen Asher]

I have been listening to your beautiful singing.

[Richard Diamond]

What?

[Helen Asher]

What do you mean, what?

[Richard Diamond]

What you just read.

[Helen Asher]

I've been listening.

[Richard Diamond]

No, no, no. The last part.

[Helen Asher]

You're beautiful singing.

[Richard Diamond]

Yes, I'm in a chanted evening.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Are you sure?

[Richard Diamond]

Go on, finish it now. Finish it.

[Helen Asher]

Well, she's been listening to your beautiful singing.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, yeah.

[Helen Asher]

And many times I've seen you going into Ms. Asher's apartment, and I think you are as beautiful as your voice. What?

[Richard Diamond]

Now, you said that. Turn off the steam and read the last part.

[Helen Asher]

I wouldn't Miss it Last week I waited and waited, but you didn't sing.

[Richard Diamond]

Everybody shall be exalted.

[Helen Asher]

I know you were in Ms. Asher's apartment and you certainly had the chance. If Ms. Asher is the one that won't. That won't let you sing. Come over to my apartment. I have a piano and I just love it. 977 park, apartment 303. Signed, your most ardent fan. Ellen.

[Richard Diamond]

Rick.

[Helen Asher]

What are you doing?

[Richard Diamond]

Opening a window. Don't you think it's a little stuffy in here?

[Helen Asher]

The air conditioning's on. Rick. Now stay away from that piano.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

No.

[Richard Diamond]

I knew it. I knew it. Ellen's right. You really don't want me to sing

[Helen Asher]

at 11 o' clock in the morning. No, I want you to sing tonight when it's more romantic.

[Richard Diamond]

Now, shame on you.

[Helen Asher]

Me?

[Richard Diamond]

Yes, you. You want to deprive those poor, discouraged people of a little honest, simple pleasure. You want that woman to take her dog's bone away again?

[Helen Asher]

You idiot.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, no telling what'll happen. Those people might not leave their apartments for days. It'll get to be like a prison camp. Think of it. No food. They won't leave the building even to go out and get an orange or a lime or something. Something. Then you know what?

[Helen Asher]

What?

[Richard Diamond]

Scurvy. I'll be dying like flies.

[Helen Asher]

Well, go on. What's the matter?

[Richard Diamond]

Dying like flies? I wonder who thought up that bright little family. I've got a big green fly in my office. It's a tough. He carries a man swatter well. You think it's funny? Do you think what'll happen if those poor people stay in that building withering up with scurvy? You fiend.

[Helen Asher]

I. I know it.

[Richard Diamond]

Yes.

[Helen Asher]

It's just that. Well, I don't want to share your tonsils with anyone. I'm selfish.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Me, me, me.

[Richard Diamond]

You're more than that. You're antisocial.

[Helen Asher]

All right. All right.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

You mean.

[Helen Asher]

Yes. Sing.

[Richard Diamond]

Stop, fellow. A hundred and one pounds of fun. That's my little honey bunny.

[Helen Asher]

Rick.

[Richard Diamond]

Yes?

[Helen Asher]

Did you hear something?

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, I think so.

[Helen Asher]

Try it again.

[Richard Diamond]

All right. A hundred and one pound.

[Helen Asher]

Rick. Yes, I heard it.

[Richard Diamond]

I said grouch.

[Helen Asher]

Rick.

[Richard Diamond]

Yes?

[Helen Asher]

There's an enemy in the cab.

[Richard Diamond]

What do we do? We can't just let those people die over there. Sink him, you mean.

[Helen Asher]

Yes. Sing. It's your duty.

[Richard Diamond]

You're right. It's no longer a matter of personal pride. I must defeat the Grouch at all cost or those thousand starving tenants.

[Helen Asher]

Thousands.

[Richard Diamond]

Big rooms. Stand back.

[Helen Asher]

Good luck.

[Richard Diamond]

Thank you.

[Singing Voice]

You are My sunshine. You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

He's wiggling.

[Singing Voice]

You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine.

[Helen Asher]

Sunshine. He's nearly done.

[Singing Voice]

You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine.

[Richard Diamond]

You are my.

[Helen Asher]

There he go.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

You are my son. Rick.

[Richard Diamond]

Victory.

[Helen Asher]

Decidedly.

[Richard Diamond]

Bull Run was never like this.

[Helen Asher]

All right, now sing, honey bun, and save those poor people

[Richard Diamond]

101 pounds of fun. That's my little honey bun. Honey bun.

[Helen Asher]

Bun Rick. Good greed Bun Rick. What happened?

[Richard Diamond]

I don't know. I can talk all right, but the minute I go up, something happens.

[Helen Asher]

I hope you didn't hurt it.

[Richard Diamond]

La la la la la la la la.

[Helen Asher]

Rick.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, now isn't that ridiculous?

[Helen Asher]

I can't help laughing, but it isn't really funny. Come on, let's go get you some warm milk or something.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Blood.

[Richard Diamond]

I'm hope.

[Helen Asher]

Now stop that. Give it a rest.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, if that grouch only knew, I may never bother him again.

[Helen Asher]

Well, he's the only one that doesn't like it.

[Richard Diamond]

Poor guy.

[Helen Asher]

Poor guy? Now, that's a silly thing to say.

[Richard Diamond]

Well, honey, he doesn't like it. Let's face it, he'll probably get so desperate he'll have to move.

[Helen Asher]

Okay, let him.

[Richard Diamond]

I wonder what he's doing right now.

[Helen Asher]

I'll bet he's planning something fiendish.

[Richard Diamond]

You think he's going to start shooting burning arrows?

[Helen Asher]

I wouldn't put it past him. Now, let's take care of that throat.

[Richard Diamond]

Well, sometimes silly things like that happen. I come on like a big baritone and lose my voice. Helen has to feed me hot lemon juice and honey for about three hours, and the grouch across the way in the next department starts thinking up the 10 best ways to eliminate Diamond. Think I'm kidding? Well, let me tell you, I didn't know it then, but that fast course of you are My sunshine with my own lyrics started more trouble than a hopped up mouse and a herd of elephants. While Helen fed me the tonsil cure, old Grouchead was dreaming of a cure of his own.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

What am I going to do? I work in the daytime, try to sleep at night.

[Helen Asher]

He sings at night.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

I switch to the night shift. He sings in the daytime. Oh, I'll fix him.

[Richard Diamond]

I'll fix that.

[Helen Asher]

Diamond.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Phone book. Phone book. Detectives, private detail. Ah, look at that. Richard diamond, private detective. Full page ad. Wouldn't you know it? Now look at that slogan. Whoever you are, whatever you do, if you're too dead to walk, will come to you. Must be Other detectives in here? Ah, here's one. Pat Kosak. You are my sunshine, eh, Diamond? I'll fix you. I'll fix you good.

[Richard Diamond]

Yeah.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Is this Pat Kosak?

[Richard Diamond]

Yeah, for employment.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Haven't I heard of you before?

[Pat Kosak]

I doubt it. Probably that shamus in Frisco. He's always stealing my stuff.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Well, my name is Ernest lumpkin.

[Pat Kosak]

Happy Halloween, Mr. Pumpkin.

[Richard Diamond]

No, no, no.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Lumpkin Lum.

[Pat Kosak]

Okay, okay. What can I do for you?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Well, I've got a problem. It concerns another person in your line of work.

[Pat Kosak]

You mean another Shammas?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yes, he sings.

[Pat Kosak]

You mean Diamond.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, is he a friend of yours?

[Pat Kosak]

A competitor isn't a friend. Diamond gets more clients than anyone in the business. So he isn't even a competitor.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

He's a capitalist.

[Pat Kosak]

He can advertise people go to him instead of me. I hate him.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, Mr. Kozlak. Hey, you're not alone.

[Pat Kosak]

The name's Kosak.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Mr. Duncan Lumpkin.

[Pat Kosak]

Lumpkin Dumpkin.

[Richard Diamond]

You want to hire me?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

But you don't even know what I want you to do.

[Pat Kosak]

Can you pay me 50 bucks a day?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

If you can do the job in

[Richard Diamond]

one day for 50 bucks, I'll steal

[Pat Kosak]

a Chrysler Building and bring it over to the automotive scooter.

[Richard Diamond]

What's your address?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

977 Park Avenue, and hurry.

[Helen Asher]

How does your throat feel now?

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, scalded. I'll be eating zym old trochees for a week.

[Helen Asher]

Oh, now, it wasn't that hot.

[Richard Diamond]

Wasn't it, honey? That lime water with so hot Alabama could have boiled his 40 thieves in it.

[Helen Asher]

Your speaking voice is all right every.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, well, I think I've swallowed the bear rug.

[Helen Asher]

Where are you going?

[Richard Diamond]

Well, I can't sing and I'm going to see you tonight anyway, so I. I think I'll drop down to the 5th Precinct and drive Sergeant Otis out of his mind.

[Helen Asher]

Oh, Rick, that poor man. He called up last week when Lieutenant Levinson was looking for you and he sounded like he was dying and you were responsible.

[Richard Diamond]

Honey, when Otis dies, everybody will be running around in sp Spaceships. He got through the Stone Age all right, didn't he?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Bye.

[Richard Diamond]

I left Helen, headed for the 5th Precinct Police Station. It was one of those good afternoons. The sun was leaning on three o'. Clock, and now and then a cool breeze would sail through my sinus and pump my lungs full of that Easy. Good to be walking around, feeling I had just about everything. Good job.

[Pat Kosak]

Good girl.

[Richard Diamond]

And the 40 report from my insurance company. When I reached the station, I hopped up the Steps and bounced into the squadroom. Sergeant Otis was sitting. Sitting over in the corner, making out the weekly report for the commissioner. Hello, Otis.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, what do you want, shammas?

[Richard Diamond]

Well, really nothing. I just came by to see if I could borrow one of your shoes. I'm going sailing.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, that's very funny. You know, someday, gumshoe, you're gonna run out of gags. Then what are you gonna do?

[Richard Diamond]

Well, I could set you on fire. That's sure to be a good chuckle.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, yeah.

[Richard Diamond]

Lieutenant in?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yeah.

[Richard Diamond]

Otis, you want to know how to catch a crook?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Ah, white guy eat a lot of spaghetti. Oh, how can I catch a crook that way?

[Richard Diamond]

Just open that big mouth and say, oh, yeah, you'll lasso him. Hello, Lieutenant Levinson. Lieutenant Levinson. Well, how do you do, Mr. Diamond? Now, what's with the formal routine? Oh, I can't help it. Every time I leave Otis, I feel like I've just stepped out of a gorilla cage. Oh, why don't you leave that poor guy alone, Rick? He's used to it. If I started treating him like a human being, he'd get so confused, he'd probably cut off his tail. Think what would happen, Walt, when he wanted to go to sleep at night. No more hanging upside down, brother. What's on your mind? Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and chew the fat. Well, go ahead now. Already dead. Shoot a whole pound right off Otis. Walt, are you sure he's a mammal? Now, you listen to me. Otis is a nice fella for a hammerhead. He can't help it. So stop tearing him down and tell me what you really want. Walt, I'm surprised at you. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Hello. Where's the body? Now, look, there's no body. Just a nice chat, that's all. Okay, But I warn you, I won't stand for any routines. And if you're mixed up in something I have to find out the hard way. So help me, I'll put you away. So far they'll have to pipe air into you. Walt, you do. Do what? Love me. Would you like to wear my Sig Alf pin? Pete's sake, what's the matter with you? You've been growing poppies in your office. Wait a minute. Yeah, what is it, Otis?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Ms. Asher on the phone for Diamond.

[Richard Diamond]

Okay. Phone for you, Rick. Alan. Oh, thanks. Fifth Precinct. Remember? I'm Auto. A corpse in the morgue is worth two in your basement. Oh, no. It's true, Walt. It's true.

[Helen Asher]

Oh, that wall just jumped out of the window?

[Richard Diamond]

No, honey, there's a caste system around here. When Walt feels like jumping out of a window, he throw out first to see if it hurts. Hi, you baby.

[Helen Asher]

Hi, Rick. A Mr. Jones called and said it was very important that he see you at once. That it was a matter of life and death.

[Richard Diamond]

Jones? First name John.

[Helen Asher]

Well, he didn't say. Just gave me an address and asked you to come over immediately. 137 River Street.

[Richard Diamond]

He called me at your apartment, huh?

[Helen Asher]

Hey, I never thought of that. How'd he get the number?

[Richard Diamond]

No telling. Well, I'll go on over. Maybe he'll turn out to be a good client. Call you later, baby.

[Helen Asher]

How's your throat?

[Richard Diamond]

Lord Done, I'm all.

[Helen Asher]

Goodbye, Rick.

[Richard Diamond]

Hey, you really sound terrible. Yeah. I'll see you later, Walt, huh? Oh, well, thanks for the brilliant conversation, Walt. Just because I didn't have a corpse hidden out someplace, you get mad. All right. See if I care. Oh, now, wait a minute.

[Helen Asher]

No, no, I understand.

[Richard Diamond]

Well, you can just get someone else to play jacks with. I'll send you Sam Spade.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Now, Rick Otis Yellow.

[Richard Diamond]

Then why haven't you got that report in here?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

I've been eating spaghetti. Spaghetti? Yeah, and that diamond's a liar. I can't last through nothing. Maybe you have to be a cowboy.

[Richard Diamond]

Thanks, Kevin. Keep the change. 137 River Street. The address Helen had given me over the phone was an old, deserted warehouse. Now, I want to stop right here and say, I admit it was pretty stupid to wander into an empty warehouse like that. But I figured that this Jones guy must be in some kind of trouble to leave a message like that. Let's, Helen. The place was as empty as a fairground in the winter. I put my hand on my.38 and kept moving toward the back of the building. Then I saw a door. A sign on it said, john Jones Enter. And wouldn't you know it, I did.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Hey, what's going on?

[Richard Diamond]

Where am I?

[Helen Asher]

Get me out of here.

[Pat Kosak]

Come on, Mr. Lumpkin, let's get out of here.

[Richard Diamond]

Let me out of here.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

But I don't understand. He's liable to stay in there forever. I don't want him to stop singing like that.

[Pat Kosak]

Somebody will come along. I promise you that. I just want him to stay in there for half an hour, that's all.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

And now, wait a minute. I want to know just what this is all about.

[Pat Kosak]

You want him to lose his voice, don't you?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, I love it.

[Pat Kosak]

Well, when he went through that door, he started losing it.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

How? Well, what's behind that door.

[Pat Kosak]

An ice box. Come on, Mr. Grumpy.

[Richard Diamond]

Well, that's exactly where I was. In an ice box. Not a very big one, but a very cold one. The kind a company might have to store fresh meat and drinks. I tried breaking down the door, but it was a foot thick. I struck a match and looked around. Lots of ice. No way out. So I turned up my collar and sat down to wait. I don't know how long I sat there, but I guessed it to be about 20 minutes. I could tell because my feet had frozen up about 20 minutes worth. Then I heard that lovely sound.

[Pat Kosak]

Rhett.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Rick, you in there?

[Richard Diamond]

Yeah, yeah. Hand me an ice pick. I want to get my feet uncrossed. How on the devil did this happen? Well, I think one of the frozen food companies got a new idea.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

It's a matter. Diamond, forget your sleigh. Shut up, Otis.

[Richard Diamond]

You think you can walk, Rick? Yeah, sure, but I might squeak a little. Got a Bunsen burner. Andy.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Odette. Okay.

[Richard Diamond]

How did you find me? We got a call from a guy named Jones. Yeah, Said he was in danger and that you were coming down to meet him at the warehouse. Said he saw two guys lock you in this icebox.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, dandy.

[Richard Diamond]

Did he say where he was? Yeah, here's the address. Thanks. Hey, where do you think you're going? I feel better now. I'm going over to find Jones. Well, you might get in trouble. If I can find the two guys who locked me up, you can bet on it. I'm going to send Otis along with you. Otis? I thought you wanted me to keep out of trouble.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Ah, now wait a minute. I can keep you out of trouble, Diamond.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, Otis, you couldn't find an elephant in an elevator, but come on and bring your head with you.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

This is the address where that Jones guy said he'd meet you.

[Richard Diamond]

I'm Mandelbaum, Swedish Massage. This guy really picks out some great places to hide out. Come on, Otis, speak first to the rest of. You'll never get out of the car.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Hey, diamond, you think while you're talking with this guy Jones, I might get me a rub down?

[Richard Diamond]

Otis, to rub that stomach of yours, it would take a gallon of baby oil and an octopus to get anywhere.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Hey, smells kind of good, don't it? Like a pine tree maybe.

[Richard Diamond]

Otis, how would you remember the last time you smelled a pine tree was when you used to run with a pack.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Now listen here, diamond, you gotta lay off. I don't go around. What can I do for you? Holy cow. Get the Biceps.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, I'm looking for a guy named Jones.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yeah, who wants him?

[Richard Diamond]

The name's diamond.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, well, Mr. Jones is expecting you. I think he's back in esteem.

[Richard Diamond]

Which way is it?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Straight back. I'd show you when I gotta give a guy a rub.

[Richard Diamond]

Come on, Otis,

[Ernest Lumpkin]

you must be at the end of the hall.

[Richard Diamond]

That's a pretty bright observation, seeing as how there's only one door and it's at the end of a hall.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yeah, yeah, that's the steam room.

[Richard Diamond]

How do you know?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

By this little window in the door. What do you see? Steam.

[Richard Diamond]

Then by golly, it must be the steam room.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

I can't see nothing, Mr. Jones. Hey, ain't that some guy lying over there on the bench?

[Pat Kosak]

Looks like it.

[Richard Diamond]

Mr. Jones.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

You don't answer? No.

[Richard Diamond]

Otis, look, I'm going over there. Keep the door open. I don't want anyone to lock me in this place.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Okay?

[Richard Diamond]

Mr. Jones, I. Well. Hey, Otis, it's just a bunch of towels rolled up to look like somebody.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Hey, Otis, what's the matter?

[Richard Diamond]

Diamond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Right over here. Well, what are you doing there?

[Richard Diamond]

I told you to stay by the door and keep it open.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Well, I did stay by the door until I got pushed. Pushed? Oh, no. You know something? What? I think we're locked in.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, shut up, Otis.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Ah, but I don't feel so good. What are we gonna do?

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, why don't you be happy? It's the only chance you'll ever get to sweat off some of that blubber.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yeah, you're one eye. Should look like one of them atrocity pictures.

[Richard Diamond]

Otis, you could lose 300 pounds and still weigh in with King Kong.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yeah, there's no time to get nasty.

[Richard Diamond]

Well, relax. Read a magazine or something.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

What do you mean?

[Richard Diamond]

This is what I said. Read a magazine. Isn't that one right over there? Yeah.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, for Pete's sake, how can I read this thing? Shammas. The pages is all stuck together.

[Richard Diamond]

You couldn't read the first line of an eye chart anyway. Just look at the pictures and shut up. Okay. Hey, what's the matter?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

This magazine.

[Helen Asher]

Take a look at this.

[Richard Diamond]

What is it?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

It's one of them movie magazines. Movie Stars Parade.

[Richard Diamond]

So what?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Well, get a load of these pictures. Ain't that you?

[Richard Diamond]

Let me see. Well, how about that? Some guy acting like Richard Diamond, Private detective.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Well, it looks like you.

[Richard Diamond]

Ah, no, it's that Powell guy, that actor carried out.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, no, no, it's a good magazine.

[Richard Diamond]

Give me that.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Ah. Hey, why'd you do that?

[Richard Diamond]

If it hadn't been for that juvenile, I could have been in pictures myself. Now try kicking in that little window again.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Ah, it's no use. That glass must be bulletproof.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, swell. First an icebox and now a steam bath. I'm gonna start thinking I'm in California.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Well, don't just sit there sweating. Do something. My uniform's shrinking.

[Richard Diamond]

Well, maybe now it'll match your head. I just can't figure this. If someone wants to. Well, someone wants to get rid of me, why did they do it the old fashioned way?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, don't say that.

[Richard Diamond]

How long do you think we've been in here?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

I don't know. A diamond. Yeah, my socks just disappeared.

[Richard Diamond]

Well, go kick on the door again. It's your turn.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

I don't think I can make it. We've been in here for days. Hey, look at your watch.

[Richard Diamond]

It's all steamed up. I can't tell you.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Think there'll be anything left?

[Richard Diamond]

Just your shoes, Otis. It'll take a blast furnace to get rid of those. Wait a minute.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

What's the matter?

[Richard Diamond]

I thought I heard somebody outside.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yeah.

[Helen Asher]

Help. Help.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Shut up.

[Richard Diamond]

Hey.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Hey, what's going on in here? Who closed the bolt on the door? We're safe.

[Richard Diamond]

Would you mind helping us out, old man? We seem to be a little limp.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Hey, where's Mr. Jones? Hey, what are you doing in here with your clothes on?

[Richard Diamond]

Trying to get him steam cleaned.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, fresh air. Now, would you two guys mind telling me what this is all about?

[Richard Diamond]

Maybe you better tell us, buster.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

I don't know what you mean.

[Richard Diamond]

Who locked the door on us?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

How do I know? I give a guy a rub, when I come back, I find the door bolted. Hey, where's Mr. Jones?

[Richard Diamond]

You sure he was in the same room? Sure.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

He comes in, says he wants a steam, you should show up. I should send you back. I told him I was going to give a rub to stay as long as he liked.

[Richard Diamond]

Did he ask you how long the rub would be?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yeah, matter of fact, he did. I said it'd be about half hour.

[Richard Diamond]

I don't get it. I don't get it. He wanted me in that steam room for just a half an hour. You want to be in that ice box for about the same time? What's with this diamond?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Look at this uniform.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, I think it's lovely. Otis, you should always wear knickers. Rick, this is stupid. Didn't the guy at the steam room tell you what this Jones guy looked like? Well, the description could have been anyone. Look, I'm just as Mixed up as you are.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Well, we'll keep after it.

[Richard Diamond]

Just don't worry, that's all.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Hey, Diamond. Ms. Ashley just called and I told her what's been happening.

[Richard Diamond]

You mean, you know.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

No, but I told her anyway. She said you should come right over because she had dinner for you. She wanted to take care of you.

[Richard Diamond]

Isn't he lovely, Walt? Think what that head is going to look like in a bottle. Oh, now you got him sore. It's going to be horrible around here. Well, isn't it always? Now, I'm going on over to Helen's Keep after that Jones guy. And let me know if you run across anything.

[Pat Kosak]

How are you, Mr. Klempkin?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Lumpkin. Okay.

[Pat Kosak]

How are you?

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Hey, come in, come in.

[Richard Diamond]

Well,

[Ernest Lumpkin]

you think it did the trick?

[Pat Kosak]

Look, when.

[Richard Diamond]

Patience.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Yeah, Cossack.

[Pat Kosak]

Yeah, Cossack. Well, when I do anything, the results are guaranteed. I just tailed diamond from the station. He went into his girlfriend's apartment across the way.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, goody.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Let's see what happens tonight. I'm staying home from work just to hear him not sing.

[Pat Kosak]

Yeah, about my 50 bucks.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Oh, look, he's never in that apartment more than 10 minutes before he starts singing. If he goes over 15, you get your 50. Come on. What are we gonna do, raise the window? I don't want to miss the lovely silence when he opens that big bazoo. Okay, that was funny.

[Helen Asher]

I'm sorry, Rick, but your clothes are shrunk so much.

[Richard Diamond]

You should see Otis.

[Helen Asher]

I'm sorry.

[Richard Diamond]

Well, you should be. Don't know what I've been through.

[Helen Asher]

Oh, yes, I do. And Mommy's gonna make it better. Here's a nice drink.

[Richard Diamond]

I don't want a nice drink.

[Helen Asher]

Oh, it's strong enough.

[Richard Diamond]

We'll put it in the dirty glass.

[Helen Asher]

You just drink it.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Okay. Oh, wow. My throat.

[Helen Asher]

Ha. You hear something?

[Richard Diamond]

No, why?

[Helen Asher]

Nothing. Your throat's still pretty bad.

[Richard Diamond]

Don't know me. Hey, it's pretty good.

[Helen Asher]

It sounds great. Oh, no, Now, I heard something then.

[Richard Diamond]

Yeah, so did I. It's a grouch again.

[Helen Asher]

Give it to him.

[Richard Diamond]

Oh, you bet. I feel mean. 101 pounds of fun. That's my little honey bun. Get a load of honey bun tonight. I'm speaking of my sweetie pie only 60 inches high every inch is packed with dynamite her hair is blonde and curly her curls are hurly burly her lips are pips I call her hips whirly and whirly she's my baby I'm her papa I'm her booby she's my trap I am caught and I don't want to run? Cause I'm having so much fun with money pie. Hey, what's going on over there? You're k. Okay, but don't hit me again. You can keep the 50 bucks.

[Helen Asher]

Anyone sing again, huh? Said you fixed it.

[Ernest Lumpkin]

Well, I'll fix you. No, not that. Put down that chair. Go on, get out of here.

[Helen Asher]

That bull singing better than ever.

[Richard Diamond]

Okay, okay. Only don't hit me again. Yes, Rick, you know that ice box and that steam bath were the best things in the world for my throat.

[Helen Asher]

Yes. After you lost your voice this morning, I didn't think anything was going to help. But that ice bop and that steam bath really did.

[Richard Diamond]

Diamond. Oh, hello, Mr. Lumpkin. Did I hear you say you lost

[Ernest Lumpkin]

your place this morning?

[Richard Diamond]

That's right, Mr. Lumpkin. Then didn't think I was going to get it back either.

[Helen Asher]

Good night, Mr. Diamond.

[Narrator]

You have just heard Richard Diamond, Private Detective, starring Dick Powell. Helen was played by Virginia Gregg. Lieutenant Levinson by Ed Begley. Also in our cast were Wilms Herbert, Jack Crucian and Steven Dunn. Music was under the direction of Frank Wirth. Richard diamond is written and directed by Blake Edwards.

[Richard Diamond]

Richard diamond, starring Nick Powell, was previously released over the National Broadcasting Company for listeners in the United States and has been re released to you men and women overseas by the United States Armed Forces Radio Service, the Voice of Information and Education.