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Ernest Lumpkin
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Narrator
Here's dick powell as richard diamond, private detective.
Helen Asher
Red.
Richard Diamond
Hi, baby.
Helen Asher
Why? What in the world are you so happy about? Why aren't you at the office?
Richard Diamond
Now, don't confuse me, dear. One question at a time. Come on in the study and I'll tell you all about it.
Helen Asher
Oh, now, stop being so mysterious. You never come over here at this time of the day.
Richard Diamond
Read some of these.
Helen Asher
What are they? Letters.
Richard Diamond
Read them.
Helen Asher
All of them. There must be at least a half, a hundred.
Richard Diamond
Close 53. And those are only about one tenth of the pile that's in my office.
Helen Asher
Oh, Rick, are these.
Richard Diamond
Yes. The lovely, dear, sweet tenants in that gorgeous building right next to this one.
Helen Asher
They like your singing.
Richard Diamond
Read a couple. Me, me, me. Ho, ho, ho.
Helen Asher
Dear Mr. Diamond.
Richard Diamond
La, la, la, la.
Helen Asher
Rick.
Richard Diamond
Go on, go on, go on.
Helen Asher
Well, stop sounding like a whole quartet. Dear Mr. Diamond, I live in the building across the way from Ms. Asher's
Richard Diamond
apartment, right over there.
Helen Asher
At least once a week, I sit in my living room and listen to the sounds of your melodious voice. Last week, however, I waited for seven straight days, but without result, you did not sing. Please, Mr. Diamond, for the sake of my family, continue to sing at least once a week. I am beginning to nag my husband, and yesterday I took the rubber bone away from my French poodle. You see, it's getting to be a real problem with me. And if you want to save me the $25 a day, I would have to pay my psych psychiatrist. Sing yours expectantly, Mrs. Louise Cartwright. Rick, are they all like this?
Richard Diamond
No, certainly not. Some of them are really desperate. Now, here's the one I saved out. Read this one if you really want to get a charge. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Helen Asher
My dearest Mr. Diamond.
Richard Diamond
Go on, go on, go on, go on.
Helen Asher
I have been listening to your beautiful singing.
Richard Diamond
What?
Helen Asher
What do you mean, what?
Richard Diamond
What you just read.
Helen Asher
I've been listening.
Richard Diamond
No, no, no. The last part.
Helen Asher
You're beautiful singing.
Richard Diamond
Yes, I'm in a chanted evening.
Ernest Lumpkin
Are you sure?
Richard Diamond
Go on, finish it now. Finish it.
Helen Asher
Well, she's been listening to your beautiful singing.
Richard Diamond
Oh, yeah.
Helen Asher
And many times I've seen you going into Ms. Asher's apartment, and I think you are as beautiful as your voice. What?
Richard Diamond
Now, you said that. Turn off the steam and read the last part.
Helen Asher
I wouldn't Miss it Last week I waited and waited, but you didn't sing.
Richard Diamond
Everybody shall be exalted.
Helen Asher
I know you were in Ms. Asher's apartment and you certainly had the chance. If Ms. Asher is the one that won't. That won't let you sing. Come over to my apartment. I have a piano and I just love it. 977 park, apartment 303. Signed, your most ardent fan. Ellen.
Richard Diamond
Rick.
Helen Asher
What are you doing?
Richard Diamond
Opening a window. Don't you think it's a little stuffy in here?
Helen Asher
The air conditioning's on. Rick. Now stay away from that piano.
Ernest Lumpkin
No.
Richard Diamond
I knew it. I knew it. Ellen's right. You really don't want me to sing
Helen Asher
at 11 o' clock in the morning. No, I want you to sing tonight when it's more romantic.
Richard Diamond
Now, shame on you.
Helen Asher
Me?
Richard Diamond
Yes, you. You want to deprive those poor, discouraged people of a little honest, simple pleasure. You want that woman to take her dog's bone away again?
Helen Asher
You idiot.
Richard Diamond
Oh, no telling what'll happen. Those people might not leave their apartments for days. It'll get to be like a prison camp. Think of it. No food. They won't leave the building even to go out and get an orange or a lime or something. Something. Then you know what?
Helen Asher
What?
Richard Diamond
Scurvy. I'll be dying like flies.
Helen Asher
Well, go on. What's the matter?
Richard Diamond
Dying like flies? I wonder who thought up that bright little family. I've got a big green fly in my office. It's a tough. He carries a man swatter well. You think it's funny? Do you think what'll happen if those poor people stay in that building withering up with scurvy? You fiend.
Helen Asher
I. I know it.
Richard Diamond
Yes.
Helen Asher
It's just that. Well, I don't want to share your tonsils with anyone. I'm selfish.
Ernest Lumpkin
Me, me, me.
Richard Diamond
You're more than that. You're antisocial.
Helen Asher
All right. All right.
Ernest Lumpkin
You mean.
Helen Asher
Yes. Sing.
Richard Diamond
Stop, fellow. A hundred and one pounds of fun. That's my little honey bunny.
Helen Asher
Rick.
Richard Diamond
Yes?
Helen Asher
Did you hear something?
Richard Diamond
Oh, I think so.
Helen Asher
Try it again.
Richard Diamond
All right. A hundred and one pound.
Helen Asher
Rick. Yes, I heard it.
Richard Diamond
I said grouch.
Helen Asher
Rick.
Richard Diamond
Yes?
Helen Asher
There's an enemy in the cab.
Richard Diamond
What do we do? We can't just let those people die over there. Sink him, you mean.
Helen Asher
Yes. Sing. It's your duty.
Richard Diamond
You're right. It's no longer a matter of personal pride. I must defeat the Grouch at all cost or those thousand starving tenants.
Helen Asher
Thousands.
Richard Diamond
Big rooms. Stand back.
Helen Asher
Good luck.
Richard Diamond
Thank you.
Singing Voice
You are My sunshine. You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine.
Ernest Lumpkin
He's wiggling.
Singing Voice
You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine.
Helen Asher
Sunshine. He's nearly done.
Singing Voice
You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine.
Richard Diamond
You are my.
Helen Asher
There he go.
Ernest Lumpkin
You are my son. Rick.
Richard Diamond
Victory.
Helen Asher
Decidedly.
Richard Diamond
Bull Run was never like this.
Helen Asher
All right, now sing, honey bun, and save those poor people
Richard Diamond
101 pounds of fun. That's my little honey bun. Honey bun.
Helen Asher
Bun Rick. Good greed Bun Rick. What happened?
Richard Diamond
I don't know. I can talk all right, but the minute I go up, something happens.
Helen Asher
I hope you didn't hurt it.
Richard Diamond
La la la la la la la la.
Helen Asher
Rick.
Richard Diamond
Oh, now isn't that ridiculous?
Helen Asher
I can't help laughing, but it isn't really funny. Come on, let's go get you some warm milk or something.
Ernest Lumpkin
Blood.
Richard Diamond
I'm hope.
Helen Asher
Now stop that. Give it a rest.
Richard Diamond
Oh, if that grouch only knew, I may never bother him again.
Helen Asher
Well, he's the only one that doesn't like it.
Richard Diamond
Poor guy.
Helen Asher
Poor guy? Now, that's a silly thing to say.
Richard Diamond
Well, honey, he doesn't like it. Let's face it, he'll probably get so desperate he'll have to move.
Helen Asher
Okay, let him.
Richard Diamond
I wonder what he's doing right now.
Helen Asher
I'll bet he's planning something fiendish.
Richard Diamond
You think he's going to start shooting burning arrows?
Helen Asher
I wouldn't put it past him. Now, let's take care of that throat.
Richard Diamond
Well, sometimes silly things like that happen. I come on like a big baritone and lose my voice. Helen has to feed me hot lemon juice and honey for about three hours, and the grouch across the way in the next department starts thinking up the 10 best ways to eliminate Diamond. Think I'm kidding? Well, let me tell you, I didn't know it then, but that fast course of you are My sunshine with my own lyrics started more trouble than a hopped up mouse and a herd of elephants. While Helen fed me the tonsil cure, old Grouchead was dreaming of a cure of his own.
Ernest Lumpkin
What am I going to do? I work in the daytime, try to sleep at night.
Helen Asher
He sings at night.
Ernest Lumpkin
I switch to the night shift. He sings in the daytime. Oh, I'll fix him.
Richard Diamond
I'll fix that.
Helen Asher
Diamond.
Ernest Lumpkin
Phone book. Phone book. Detectives, private detail. Ah, look at that. Richard diamond, private detective. Full page ad. Wouldn't you know it? Now look at that slogan. Whoever you are, whatever you do, if you're too dead to walk, will come to you. Must be Other detectives in here? Ah, here's one. Pat Kosak. You are my sunshine, eh, Diamond? I'll fix you. I'll fix you good.
Richard Diamond
Yeah.
Ernest Lumpkin
Is this Pat Kosak?
Richard Diamond
Yeah, for employment.
Ernest Lumpkin
Haven't I heard of you before?
Pat Kosak
I doubt it. Probably that shamus in Frisco. He's always stealing my stuff.
Ernest Lumpkin
Well, my name is Ernest lumpkin.
Pat Kosak
Happy Halloween, Mr. Pumpkin.
Richard Diamond
No, no, no.
Ernest Lumpkin
Lumpkin Lum.
Pat Kosak
Okay, okay. What can I do for you?
Ernest Lumpkin
Well, I've got a problem. It concerns another person in your line of work.
Pat Kosak
You mean another Shammas?
Ernest Lumpkin
Yes, he sings.
Pat Kosak
You mean Diamond.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, is he a friend of yours?
Pat Kosak
A competitor isn't a friend. Diamond gets more clients than anyone in the business. So he isn't even a competitor.
Ernest Lumpkin
He's a capitalist.
Pat Kosak
He can advertise people go to him instead of me. I hate him.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, Mr. Kozlak. Hey, you're not alone.
Pat Kosak
The name's Kosak.
Ernest Lumpkin
Mr. Duncan Lumpkin.
Pat Kosak
Lumpkin Dumpkin.
Richard Diamond
You want to hire me?
Ernest Lumpkin
But you don't even know what I want you to do.
Pat Kosak
Can you pay me 50 bucks a day?
Ernest Lumpkin
If you can do the job in
Richard Diamond
one day for 50 bucks, I'll steal
Pat Kosak
a Chrysler Building and bring it over to the automotive scooter.
Richard Diamond
What's your address?
Ernest Lumpkin
977 Park Avenue, and hurry.
Helen Asher
How does your throat feel now?
Richard Diamond
Oh, scalded. I'll be eating zym old trochees for a week.
Helen Asher
Oh, now, it wasn't that hot.
Richard Diamond
Wasn't it, honey? That lime water with so hot Alabama could have boiled his 40 thieves in it.
Helen Asher
Your speaking voice is all right every.
Richard Diamond
Oh, well, I think I've swallowed the bear rug.
Helen Asher
Where are you going?
Richard Diamond
Well, I can't sing and I'm going to see you tonight anyway, so I. I think I'll drop down to the 5th Precinct and drive Sergeant Otis out of his mind.
Helen Asher
Oh, Rick, that poor man. He called up last week when Lieutenant Levinson was looking for you and he sounded like he was dying and you were responsible.
Richard Diamond
Honey, when Otis dies, everybody will be running around in sp Spaceships. He got through the Stone Age all right, didn't he?
Ernest Lumpkin
Bye.
Richard Diamond
I left Helen, headed for the 5th Precinct Police Station. It was one of those good afternoons. The sun was leaning on three o'. Clock, and now and then a cool breeze would sail through my sinus and pump my lungs full of that Easy. Good to be walking around, feeling I had just about everything. Good job.
Pat Kosak
Good girl.
Richard Diamond
And the 40 report from my insurance company. When I reached the station, I hopped up the Steps and bounced into the squadroom. Sergeant Otis was sitting. Sitting over in the corner, making out the weekly report for the commissioner. Hello, Otis.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, what do you want, shammas?
Richard Diamond
Well, really nothing. I just came by to see if I could borrow one of your shoes. I'm going sailing.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, that's very funny. You know, someday, gumshoe, you're gonna run out of gags. Then what are you gonna do?
Richard Diamond
Well, I could set you on fire. That's sure to be a good chuckle.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, yeah.
Richard Diamond
Lieutenant in?
Ernest Lumpkin
Yeah.
Richard Diamond
Otis, you want to know how to catch a crook?
Ernest Lumpkin
Ah, white guy eat a lot of spaghetti. Oh, how can I catch a crook that way?
Richard Diamond
Just open that big mouth and say, oh, yeah, you'll lasso him. Hello, Lieutenant Levinson. Lieutenant Levinson. Well, how do you do, Mr. Diamond? Now, what's with the formal routine? Oh, I can't help it. Every time I leave Otis, I feel like I've just stepped out of a gorilla cage. Oh, why don't you leave that poor guy alone, Rick? He's used to it. If I started treating him like a human being, he'd get so confused, he'd probably cut off his tail. Think what would happen, Walt, when he wanted to go to sleep at night. No more hanging upside down, brother. What's on your mind? Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and chew the fat. Well, go ahead now. Already dead. Shoot a whole pound right off Otis. Walt, are you sure he's a mammal? Now, you listen to me. Otis is a nice fella for a hammerhead. He can't help it. So stop tearing him down and tell me what you really want. Walt, I'm surprised at you. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Hello. Where's the body? Now, look, there's no body. Just a nice chat, that's all. Okay, But I warn you, I won't stand for any routines. And if you're mixed up in something I have to find out the hard way. So help me, I'll put you away. So far they'll have to pipe air into you. Walt, you do. Do what? Love me. Would you like to wear my Sig Alf pin? Pete's sake, what's the matter with you? You've been growing poppies in your office. Wait a minute. Yeah, what is it, Otis?
Ernest Lumpkin
Ms. Asher on the phone for Diamond.
Richard Diamond
Okay. Phone for you, Rick. Alan. Oh, thanks. Fifth Precinct. Remember? I'm Auto. A corpse in the morgue is worth two in your basement. Oh, no. It's true, Walt. It's true.
Helen Asher
Oh, that wall just jumped out of the window?
Richard Diamond
No, honey, there's a caste system around here. When Walt feels like jumping out of a window, he throw out first to see if it hurts. Hi, you baby.
Helen Asher
Hi, Rick. A Mr. Jones called and said it was very important that he see you at once. That it was a matter of life and death.
Richard Diamond
Jones? First name John.
Helen Asher
Well, he didn't say. Just gave me an address and asked you to come over immediately. 137 River Street.
Richard Diamond
He called me at your apartment, huh?
Helen Asher
Hey, I never thought of that. How'd he get the number?
Richard Diamond
No telling. Well, I'll go on over. Maybe he'll turn out to be a good client. Call you later, baby.
Helen Asher
How's your throat?
Richard Diamond
Lord Done, I'm all.
Helen Asher
Goodbye, Rick.
Richard Diamond
Hey, you really sound terrible. Yeah. I'll see you later, Walt, huh? Oh, well, thanks for the brilliant conversation, Walt. Just because I didn't have a corpse hidden out someplace, you get mad. All right. See if I care. Oh, now, wait a minute.
Helen Asher
No, no, I understand.
Richard Diamond
Well, you can just get someone else to play jacks with. I'll send you Sam Spade.
Ernest Lumpkin
Now, Rick Otis Yellow.
Richard Diamond
Then why haven't you got that report in here?
Ernest Lumpkin
I've been eating spaghetti. Spaghetti? Yeah, and that diamond's a liar. I can't last through nothing. Maybe you have to be a cowboy.
Richard Diamond
Thanks, Kevin. Keep the change. 137 River Street. The address Helen had given me over the phone was an old, deserted warehouse. Now, I want to stop right here and say, I admit it was pretty stupid to wander into an empty warehouse like that. But I figured that this Jones guy must be in some kind of trouble to leave a message like that. Let's, Helen. The place was as empty as a fairground in the winter. I put my hand on my.38 and kept moving toward the back of the building. Then I saw a door. A sign on it said, john Jones Enter. And wouldn't you know it, I did.
Ernest Lumpkin
Hey, what's going on?
Richard Diamond
Where am I?
Helen Asher
Get me out of here.
Pat Kosak
Come on, Mr. Lumpkin, let's get out of here.
Richard Diamond
Let me out of here.
Ernest Lumpkin
But I don't understand. He's liable to stay in there forever. I don't want him to stop singing like that.
Pat Kosak
Somebody will come along. I promise you that. I just want him to stay in there for half an hour, that's all.
Ernest Lumpkin
And now, wait a minute. I want to know just what this is all about.
Pat Kosak
You want him to lose his voice, don't you?
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, I love it.
Pat Kosak
Well, when he went through that door, he started losing it.
Ernest Lumpkin
How? Well, what's behind that door.
Pat Kosak
An ice box. Come on, Mr. Grumpy.
Richard Diamond
Well, that's exactly where I was. In an ice box. Not a very big one, but a very cold one. The kind a company might have to store fresh meat and drinks. I tried breaking down the door, but it was a foot thick. I struck a match and looked around. Lots of ice. No way out. So I turned up my collar and sat down to wait. I don't know how long I sat there, but I guessed it to be about 20 minutes. I could tell because my feet had frozen up about 20 minutes worth. Then I heard that lovely sound.
Pat Kosak
Rhett.
Ernest Lumpkin
Rick, you in there?
Richard Diamond
Yeah, yeah. Hand me an ice pick. I want to get my feet uncrossed. How on the devil did this happen? Well, I think one of the frozen food companies got a new idea.
Ernest Lumpkin
It's a matter. Diamond, forget your sleigh. Shut up, Otis.
Richard Diamond
You think you can walk, Rick? Yeah, sure, but I might squeak a little. Got a Bunsen burner. Andy.
Ernest Lumpkin
Odette. Okay.
Richard Diamond
How did you find me? We got a call from a guy named Jones. Yeah, Said he was in danger and that you were coming down to meet him at the warehouse. Said he saw two guys lock you in this icebox.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, dandy.
Richard Diamond
Did he say where he was? Yeah, here's the address. Thanks. Hey, where do you think you're going? I feel better now. I'm going over to find Jones. Well, you might get in trouble. If I can find the two guys who locked me up, you can bet on it. I'm going to send Otis along with you. Otis? I thought you wanted me to keep out of trouble.
Ernest Lumpkin
Ah, now wait a minute. I can keep you out of trouble, Diamond.
Richard Diamond
Oh, Otis, you couldn't find an elephant in an elevator, but come on and bring your head with you.
Ernest Lumpkin
This is the address where that Jones guy said he'd meet you.
Richard Diamond
I'm Mandelbaum, Swedish Massage. This guy really picks out some great places to hide out. Come on, Otis, speak first to the rest of. You'll never get out of the car.
Ernest Lumpkin
Hey, diamond, you think while you're talking with this guy Jones, I might get me a rub down?
Richard Diamond
Otis, to rub that stomach of yours, it would take a gallon of baby oil and an octopus to get anywhere.
Ernest Lumpkin
Hey, smells kind of good, don't it? Like a pine tree maybe.
Richard Diamond
Otis, how would you remember the last time you smelled a pine tree was when you used to run with a pack.
Ernest Lumpkin
Now listen here, diamond, you gotta lay off. I don't go around. What can I do for you? Holy cow. Get the Biceps.
Richard Diamond
Oh, I'm looking for a guy named Jones.
Ernest Lumpkin
Yeah, who wants him?
Richard Diamond
The name's diamond.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, well, Mr. Jones is expecting you. I think he's back in esteem.
Richard Diamond
Which way is it?
Ernest Lumpkin
Straight back. I'd show you when I gotta give a guy a rub.
Richard Diamond
Come on, Otis,
Ernest Lumpkin
you must be at the end of the hall.
Richard Diamond
That's a pretty bright observation, seeing as how there's only one door and it's at the end of a hall.
Ernest Lumpkin
Yeah, yeah, that's the steam room.
Richard Diamond
How do you know?
Ernest Lumpkin
By this little window in the door. What do you see? Steam.
Richard Diamond
Then by golly, it must be the steam room.
Ernest Lumpkin
I can't see nothing, Mr. Jones. Hey, ain't that some guy lying over there on the bench?
Pat Kosak
Looks like it.
Richard Diamond
Mr. Jones.
Ernest Lumpkin
You don't answer? No.
Richard Diamond
Otis, look, I'm going over there. Keep the door open. I don't want anyone to lock me in this place.
Ernest Lumpkin
Okay?
Richard Diamond
Mr. Jones, I. Well. Hey, Otis, it's just a bunch of towels rolled up to look like somebody.
Ernest Lumpkin
Hey, Otis, what's the matter?
Richard Diamond
Diamond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you?
Ernest Lumpkin
Right over here. Well, what are you doing there?
Richard Diamond
I told you to stay by the door and keep it open.
Ernest Lumpkin
Well, I did stay by the door until I got pushed. Pushed? Oh, no. You know something? What? I think we're locked in.
Richard Diamond
Oh, shut up, Otis.
Ernest Lumpkin
Ah, but I don't feel so good. What are we gonna do?
Richard Diamond
Oh, why don't you be happy? It's the only chance you'll ever get to sweat off some of that blubber.
Ernest Lumpkin
Yeah, you're one eye. Should look like one of them atrocity pictures.
Richard Diamond
Otis, you could lose 300 pounds and still weigh in with King Kong.
Ernest Lumpkin
Yeah, there's no time to get nasty.
Richard Diamond
Well, relax. Read a magazine or something.
Ernest Lumpkin
What do you mean?
Richard Diamond
This is what I said. Read a magazine. Isn't that one right over there? Yeah.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, for Pete's sake, how can I read this thing? Shammas. The pages is all stuck together.
Richard Diamond
You couldn't read the first line of an eye chart anyway. Just look at the pictures and shut up. Okay. Hey, what's the matter?
Ernest Lumpkin
This magazine.
Helen Asher
Take a look at this.
Richard Diamond
What is it?
Ernest Lumpkin
It's one of them movie magazines. Movie Stars Parade.
Richard Diamond
So what?
Ernest Lumpkin
Well, get a load of these pictures. Ain't that you?
Richard Diamond
Let me see. Well, how about that? Some guy acting like Richard Diamond, Private detective.
Ernest Lumpkin
Well, it looks like you.
Richard Diamond
Ah, no, it's that Powell guy, that actor carried out.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, no, no, it's a good magazine.
Richard Diamond
Give me that.
Ernest Lumpkin
Ah. Hey, why'd you do that?
Richard Diamond
If it hadn't been for that juvenile, I could have been in pictures myself. Now try kicking in that little window again.
Ernest Lumpkin
Ah, it's no use. That glass must be bulletproof.
Richard Diamond
Oh, swell. First an icebox and now a steam bath. I'm gonna start thinking I'm in California.
Ernest Lumpkin
Well, don't just sit there sweating. Do something. My uniform's shrinking.
Richard Diamond
Well, maybe now it'll match your head. I just can't figure this. If someone wants to. Well, someone wants to get rid of me, why did they do it the old fashioned way?
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, don't say that.
Richard Diamond
How long do you think we've been in here?
Ernest Lumpkin
I don't know. A diamond. Yeah, my socks just disappeared.
Richard Diamond
Well, go kick on the door again. It's your turn.
Ernest Lumpkin
I don't think I can make it. We've been in here for days. Hey, look at your watch.
Richard Diamond
It's all steamed up. I can't tell you.
Ernest Lumpkin
Think there'll be anything left?
Richard Diamond
Just your shoes, Otis. It'll take a blast furnace to get rid of those. Wait a minute.
Ernest Lumpkin
What's the matter?
Richard Diamond
I thought I heard somebody outside.
Ernest Lumpkin
Yeah.
Helen Asher
Help. Help.
Ernest Lumpkin
Shut up.
Richard Diamond
Hey.
Ernest Lumpkin
Hey, what's going on in here? Who closed the bolt on the door? We're safe.
Richard Diamond
Would you mind helping us out, old man? We seem to be a little limp.
Ernest Lumpkin
Hey, where's Mr. Jones? Hey, what are you doing in here with your clothes on?
Richard Diamond
Trying to get him steam cleaned.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, fresh air. Now, would you two guys mind telling me what this is all about?
Richard Diamond
Maybe you better tell us, buster.
Ernest Lumpkin
I don't know what you mean.
Richard Diamond
Who locked the door on us?
Ernest Lumpkin
How do I know? I give a guy a rub, when I come back, I find the door bolted. Hey, where's Mr. Jones?
Richard Diamond
You sure he was in the same room? Sure.
Ernest Lumpkin
He comes in, says he wants a steam, you should show up. I should send you back. I told him I was going to give a rub to stay as long as he liked.
Richard Diamond
Did he ask you how long the rub would be?
Ernest Lumpkin
Yeah, matter of fact, he did. I said it'd be about half hour.
Richard Diamond
I don't get it. I don't get it. He wanted me in that steam room for just a half an hour. You want to be in that ice box for about the same time? What's with this diamond?
Ernest Lumpkin
Look at this uniform.
Richard Diamond
Oh, I think it's lovely. Otis, you should always wear knickers. Rick, this is stupid. Didn't the guy at the steam room tell you what this Jones guy looked like? Well, the description could have been anyone. Look, I'm just as Mixed up as you are.
Ernest Lumpkin
Well, we'll keep after it.
Richard Diamond
Just don't worry, that's all.
Ernest Lumpkin
Hey, Diamond. Ms. Ashley just called and I told her what's been happening.
Richard Diamond
You mean, you know.
Ernest Lumpkin
No, but I told her anyway. She said you should come right over because she had dinner for you. She wanted to take care of you.
Richard Diamond
Isn't he lovely, Walt? Think what that head is going to look like in a bottle. Oh, now you got him sore. It's going to be horrible around here. Well, isn't it always? Now, I'm going on over to Helen's Keep after that Jones guy. And let me know if you run across anything.
Pat Kosak
How are you, Mr. Klempkin?
Ernest Lumpkin
Lumpkin. Okay.
Pat Kosak
How are you?
Ernest Lumpkin
Hey, come in, come in.
Richard Diamond
Well,
Ernest Lumpkin
you think it did the trick?
Pat Kosak
Look, when.
Richard Diamond
Patience.
Ernest Lumpkin
Yeah, Cossack.
Pat Kosak
Yeah, Cossack. Well, when I do anything, the results are guaranteed. I just tailed diamond from the station. He went into his girlfriend's apartment across the way.
Richard Diamond
Oh, goody.
Ernest Lumpkin
Let's see what happens tonight. I'm staying home from work just to hear him not sing.
Pat Kosak
Yeah, about my 50 bucks.
Ernest Lumpkin
Oh, look, he's never in that apartment more than 10 minutes before he starts singing. If he goes over 15, you get your 50. Come on. What are we gonna do, raise the window? I don't want to miss the lovely silence when he opens that big bazoo. Okay, that was funny.
Helen Asher
I'm sorry, Rick, but your clothes are shrunk so much.
Richard Diamond
You should see Otis.
Helen Asher
I'm sorry.
Richard Diamond
Well, you should be. Don't know what I've been through.
Helen Asher
Oh, yes, I do. And Mommy's gonna make it better. Here's a nice drink.
Richard Diamond
I don't want a nice drink.
Helen Asher
Oh, it's strong enough.
Richard Diamond
We'll put it in the dirty glass.
Helen Asher
You just drink it.
Ernest Lumpkin
Okay. Oh, wow. My throat.
Helen Asher
Ha. You hear something?
Richard Diamond
No, why?
Helen Asher
Nothing. Your throat's still pretty bad.
Richard Diamond
Don't know me. Hey, it's pretty good.
Helen Asher
It sounds great. Oh, no, Now, I heard something then.
Richard Diamond
Yeah, so did I. It's a grouch again.
Helen Asher
Give it to him.
Richard Diamond
Oh, you bet. I feel mean. 101 pounds of fun. That's my little honey bun. Get a load of honey bun tonight. I'm speaking of my sweetie pie only 60 inches high every inch is packed with dynamite her hair is blonde and curly her curls are hurly burly her lips are pips I call her hips whirly and whirly she's my baby I'm her papa I'm her booby she's my trap I am caught and I don't want to run? Cause I'm having so much fun with money pie. Hey, what's going on over there? You're k. Okay, but don't hit me again. You can keep the 50 bucks.
Helen Asher
Anyone sing again, huh? Said you fixed it.
Ernest Lumpkin
Well, I'll fix you. No, not that. Put down that chair. Go on, get out of here.
Helen Asher
That bull singing better than ever.
Richard Diamond
Okay, okay. Only don't hit me again. Yes, Rick, you know that ice box and that steam bath were the best things in the world for my throat.
Helen Asher
Yes. After you lost your voice this morning, I didn't think anything was going to help. But that ice bop and that steam bath really did.
Richard Diamond
Diamond. Oh, hello, Mr. Lumpkin. Did I hear you say you lost
Ernest Lumpkin
your place this morning?
Richard Diamond
That's right, Mr. Lumpkin. Then didn't think I was going to get it back either.
Helen Asher
Good night, Mr. Diamond.
Narrator
You have just heard Richard Diamond, Private Detective, starring Dick Powell. Helen was played by Virginia Gregg. Lieutenant Levinson by Ed Begley. Also in our cast were Wilms Herbert, Jack Crucian and Steven Dunn. Music was under the direction of Frank Wirth. Richard diamond is written and directed by Blake Edwards.
Richard Diamond
Richard diamond, starring Nick Powell, was previously released over the National Broadcasting Company for listeners in the United States and has been re released to you men and women overseas by the United States Armed Forces Radio Service, the Voice of Information and Education.
Podcast: Choice Classic Radio Detectives
Host: Choice Classic Radio
Date: March 2, 2026
Episode Theme:
This episode delivers classic comedic detective intrigue as Richard Diamond, private eye and sometimes crooner, faces backlash—not from criminals, but a “singing critic” among his neighbors who will go to great lengths to silence his spontaneous serenades.
“If you want to save me the $25 a day I would have to pay my psychiatrist, sing yours expectantly…” — Helen (reading Mrs. Cartwright’s letter) [01:51]
“Sing. It’s your duty.” — Helen [06:04]
"Diamond gets more clients than anyone in the business. So he isn't even a competitor... I hate him." — Pat Kosak [09:48]
"Otis, you couldn't find an elephant in an elevator, but come on and bring your head with you.” — Diamond [17:49] "Otis, you could lose 300 pounds and still weigh in with King Kong." — Diamond [20:34]
"That ice box and that steam bath were the best things in the world for my throat." — Diamond [27:14]
"You idiot... those people might not leave their apartments for days... get to be like a prison camp... Scurvy. I'll be dying like flies."
— Richard Diamond [04:25]
"You want to deprive those poor, discouraged people of a little honest, simple pleasure."
— Diamond to Helen [04:15]
"Diamond gets more clients than anyone in the business. So he isn't even a competitor... I hate him."
— Pat Kosak [09:48]
"Just open that big mouth and say, 'Oh, yeah,' you'll lasso him."
— Diamond to Otis, after a spaghetti joke [12:14]
"If someone wants to get rid of me, why didn't they do it the old fashioned way?"
— Diamond, trapped in the steam room [21:50]
"That ice box and that steam bath were the best things in the world for my throat."
— Richard Diamond [27:14]
This episode is a classic display of “Richard Diamond”’s humor-infused mystery, poking fun at celebrity, fan culture, and neighborhood politics, all set to a swinging soundtrack of mid-century musical charm—and rounded off, of course, with a happy song.