The Adventures of Sam Spade: Soap Opera Caper 02/16/1951

Summary

Summary of "The Adventures of Sam Spade: Soap Opera Caper"

---

Introduction

In this thrilling episode of The Adventures of Sam Spade titled "Soap Opera Caper," listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio, where the suave private detective Sam Spade navigates a complex web of mystery, deceit, and hidden motives. Hosted by Choice Classic Radio, this episode originally aired on February 16, 1951, and has been expertly brought back to life for modern audiences on June 28, 2025.

---

The Initial Contact

The episode opens with Sam Spade receiving a call from Agatha Pilbeam, a woman entangled in a personal crisis. Agatha reaches out to Spade with a desperate plea, highlighting her husband's sudden and mysterious behavior changes.

Agatha Pilbeam [02:09]: "Sam Spade Detective Agency Me sweetheart Was it awful?"

Sam Spade [02:12]: "Sam? Excruciating. F I suffered, girl, how I suffered."

Agatha confides in Spade about her husband, Dr. Martin Hawkes, whose demeanor has shifted dramatically, leaving her anxious and seeking answers.

---

The Investigation Begins

Sam Spade takes on the case, intrigued by the complexities surrounding Agatha's marriage and the recent troubling events. Agatha reveals that her husband received a cryptic telegram from Mexico, prompting his sudden disappearance.

Agatha Pilbeam [09:43]: "I have a very rare incurable disease and I only stick shortly."

As Spade delves deeper, he uncovers that Martin Hawkes is connected to a legal firm, Bennett and Hatch, raising suspicions of legal troubles or potential blackmail.

---

Uncovering Clues

Spade's investigation leads him to the Tortuga Club, where he interacts with Nora Sheldrake, Dr. Hawkes' nurse. Through their conversation, Spade learns more about Martin's strained marriage and the mysterious circumstances surrounding his disappearance.

Agatha Pilbeam [10:33]: "It's that. That woman, Mr. Spade."

Further probing reveals that Martin received a telegram bearing the ominous message: "Regret must confirm your worst fears."

Sam Spade [15:15]: "Regret. Must confirm your worst fear."

This message hints at dire consequences, possibly related to life insurance or a hidden scandal.

---

The Twist

As the plot thickens, Sam encounters Crock Morton, a reformed crook with a knack for unauthorized surveillance. Their interaction uncovers deeper layers of the mystery, including illegal activities tied to Bennett and Hatch.

Sam Spade [26:14]: "She's worth a couple of million bucks and has six weeks to live. As her husband, he's her only heir."

Sam discovers that Agatha's supposed incurable disease was a misdiagnosis, exposing her to manipulate events for personal gain. This revelation shifts the narrative, positioning Agatha as a key player with ulterior motives.

---

Climax and Resolution

The climax unfolds at the Tortuga Club, where tension reaches its peak. Beth Jardine, connected to both Agatha and Martin, meets a tragic end, deepening the mystery. Sam's relentless pursuit leads him to confront Crock Morton, culminating in a dramatic showdown that uncovers the truth behind the telegram and the orchestrated chaos surrounding Martin's disappearance.

Agatha Pilbeam [25:38]: "I will not get out."

In the final moments, Sam ties together the loose ends, revealing a conspiracy involving blackmail, deceit, and the quest for financial gain at the expense of others' lives.

---

Conclusion

"The Adventures of Sam Spade: Soap Opera Caper" masterfully blends suspense, intricate plot twists, and compelling character dynamics, embodying the essence of classic detective radio dramas. Sam Spade's unwavering determination and sharp intellect guide listeners through a maze of intrigue, ultimately delivering a satisfying resolution that underscores themes of trust, deception, and the relentless pursuit of truth.

As Agatha Pilbeam reflects on the tumultuous events, Spade reinforces the notion that despite the darkness one may face, resilience and clarity can lead to justice and personal peace.

Sam Spade [29:37]: "We do the laboratory a mistake, definitely. They got yours mixed up with someone else's. And you have no incurable disease and many years of happiness ahead of you."

This episode not only entertains but also invites listeners to ponder the complexities of human relationships and the lengths to which individuals will go to secure their happiness and security.

---

Notable Quotes

• Agatha Pilbeam [02:09]: "Sam Spade Detective Agency Me sweetheart Was it awful?"
• Sam Spade [15:15]: "Regret. Must confirm your worst fear."
• Agatha Pilbeam [09:43]: "I have a very rare incurable disease and I only stick shortly."
• Sam Spade [29:37]: "They got yours mixed up with someone else's. And you have no incurable disease and many years of happiness ahead of you."

---

Final Thoughts

Choice Classic Radio successfully revitalizes this iconic Sam Spade episode, blending nostalgic radio storytelling with modern production quality. "Soap Opera Caper" stands as a testament to the enduring appeal of detective narratives and the timeless charm of Sam Spade's character.

For fans of old-time radio and detective stories, this episode is a must-listen, offering a captivating journey through mystery and human emotion that remains relevant even decades after its original broadcast.

Transcript

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[Sam Spade]

Welcome to Choice Classic Radio where we bring to you the greatest old time radio shows like us on Facebook, subscribe to us on YouTube and thank you for [e-mail] the National Broadcasting Company presents the Adventures of Sam Spade Detective.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Sam Spade Detective Agency Me sweetheart Was it awful?

[Sam Spade]

Sam? Excruciating. F I suffered, girl, how I suffered.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

But there's no other way, Sam. When fate turns against another true, dear, one true.

[Sam Spade]

But from somewhere I must find strength.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

You must, you must to pick up.

[Sam Spade]

The shattered fragments of my life. To raise my eyes once again to the horizon and piece by piece put them together again. And the two of us, dear one, hand in hand, shall go marching down the years together. Brace yourself, sweetheart.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I'll try, Sam.

[Sam Spade]

Gather together the homely, humble tools of your trade. Find six dry handkerchiefs and prepare to greet me with a smile behind the tears I'll be down before you can change stations with a report entitled the Soap Opera Taper for NBC. William Spear, Radio's Outstanding Producer, Director of Mystery and Crime Drama, brings you the greatest private detective of them all in the Adventures of Sam Spade. Sam, who called? Young Widow Perrine.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

She's a doll. Over Sam.

[Sam Spade]

Is a soap opera ever? Over, dear one.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Oh, but it's out on the phone like you.

[Sam Spade]

I know, I know. But it's not the end. It's never the end. Pull up a chair. Now take a firm grip on pad, pencil and your emotions. Got him.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I'm at the ready, Sam.

[Sam Spade]

Good show. To Agatha Pilbeam from Samuel Spade, license number 137596. Subject the Soap opera caper. How was I to know what was on her mind? This strange woman, this mysterious Agatha Pilbeam, this voice on the telephone directing me to the big sprawling house in Hillsborough.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Is that clear, Mr. Spade?

[Sam Spade]

How urgent is it, Ms. Pilbeam?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Very, very urgent, Mr. Spade. I. I don't know which way to turn.

[Sam Spade]

So I went to the big sprawling house in Hillsborough, pulled up behind an ancient model A, parked at the curb and was walking past it toward the gate when. Oh. Oh, Crock Morton, isn't it? Good old Sammy. You remember. Yeah, yeah. When'd you get out? Oh, last month. But I'm a good boy now. Here, take one of my cars. You know, anyone who needs a first class private eye. Croc's available. What are you doing here, Sam? The lady wants to see me. The soap opera queen? Is that what she is? Oh, six or eight of them. She writes behind the clouds. The heart of Julia Jukes life. Oh, I forget. The rest beats gumption, Santa. Yeah, well, right. If you get work, Crock. I'm on a job right now. I mean, you got your license already. Oh, me? Well, I. Well, you can always run off a folder stat of someone else's. A. Sam, that's mean. Croc was a crook, but a nice crook. He never killed anybody. He was just an uncurable camera fiend, specializing in taking pictures of people doing what they hadn't ought to be doing. You know, stuff like that. Or if you wanted a photo stat of somebody else's document, Croc was your man. Well, I walked up the drive to the door, through it, past a white shirt front that turned out to have a butler in it, and toward what seemed to be your study. But it wasn't. It was your bedroom. And you were reclining on Six pillows with a cigarette in a long holder in one hand and a mouthpiece of a dictating machine in the other.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

But, John. Hush, Melinda. There is no way to go now but ahead. John, you're still so strong. I need you. I need your courage. We must face this thing together. Melinda.

[Sam Spade]

The organ was a phonograph playing in her ear. I waited for an opening, but there just wasn't any, so I had to interrupt. Miss.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

We must approach this calmly. Melinda. Beg pardon. Oh, just a minute. My mood music.

[Sam Spade]

I see. I'm Sam Spade, Miss Pilgrim.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Come, Come sit beside me. Mr. Spade. Well, it's time we talked things over.

[Sam Spade]

Well, thanks. Oh, maybe you'd better start at the.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

When a woman reaches 40, Mr. Spade, she comes to lean upon her man, to look upon him not just as someone to cherish, but as a source, a spring, a fountain of strength.

[Sam Spade]

Are you still dictating?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I'm Talking about me, Mr. Spade. Whom can I turn to? Whom I grope, I flounder in the darkness. I cry out. I listen in vain for an answer, but there is none.

[Sam Spade]

Well, you always have a better chance of getting an answer when you ask a question.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

What do you mean?

[Sam Spade]

What are we talking about?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

What, indeed?

[Sam Spade]

Well, I haven't caught the show lately. You'll have to bring me up to date. Why don't you run through the announcer's part, will you? You know, right after the organ, when he says, when we left Julia Jukes yesterday.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I'm sorry. I thought I told you on the telephone.

[Sam Spade]

No.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

For many days now, I've seen somewhat of a strange new look on my husband's face.

[Sam Spade]

Husband?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Dr. Martin Hawkes.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, you're married. I thought it was Ms. Agatha Tilbein.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Two years ago today, I met young Dr. Hawks, who married him. Life became beautiful. A gay, laughing thing, a road to happiness. And then? Then a crowd passed over the sun. Martin became moody, silent. I tried to penetrate the shell, but he only drew farther into it. The strange, terrifying crevasse seemed to have opened up between us. What is it, Martin? I asked him repeatedly. He'd only stared silently out the window and finally walked silently in the room.

[Sam Spade]

Well, how long did this go on? How. How long a series did you get out of it?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

A week. Until a few days ago, when this final blow fell. It was evening, and Agatha and Martin were at dinner. Let's look in on them as. Oh, sorry. We were at dinner when the doorbell rang, and I answered it with a telegram from Martin, from Mexico. I gave it to him and watched the blood drain from his handsome features as he read it. His hand trembled, his jaw clenched.

[Sam Spade]

But you forced yourself to speak.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Yes. What is it, Martin? I asked. Tell me, please, for the sake of our love.

[Sam Spade]

And he looked down at me as.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

If I were a stranger. Then he crumpled the telegram, threw it savagely into the fireplace and strode silently from the room. Here. I rescued it from the flames. Read it.

[Sam Spade]

Thank you. Regret must confirm your worst fears. Cardoza.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

What is the terrible secret of Martin Horton? Why did he act so strangely when the mysterious telegram arrived from Mexico? And above all, where is he?

[Sam Spade]

You mean he didn't come back?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

He's been gone for four days, Mr. Spade. I must find him now of all times. I need his love. When a woman reaches 40.

[Sam Spade]

I know, I know. What do you mean, now of all times?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

In just a week now. The report came back from the laboratory after my physical examination. The doctor from Vienna. You see, Mr. Spade, I too have a terrible secret.

[Sam Spade]

Well, don't you want to tell me about it?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Yes. I have a very rare incurable disease and I only stick shortly.

[Sam Spade]

Well, less than an hour after his distressing interview with Agatha, our boy Sammy walked into the beautifully appointed office of young Dr. Hawks at 4:50 Sutter to find his nurse, pretty young Nora Sheldrake, a new character working at her desk in. In the reception room. In response to a question from Sammy, we hear Nora saying, I have no.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Idea where Martin has gone, Mr. Spade, but I can tell you why.

[Sam Spade]

Tell me, Nora. Please feel free to tell me everything.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

It's that. That woman, Mr. Spade.

[Sam Spade]

Agatha.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Yes. Yes, Agatha. She never understood Martin. She doesn't understand Martin. She never has tried to understand Martin. Do you hear me? She never has tried.

[Sam Spade]

I take it you don't care for Agatha Pilvin. I hate her, Nora.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I do. I hate her. She thinks her money can buy everything, even Martin.

[Sam Spade]

Well, it won't.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

She knows that now.

[Sam Spade]

Well, calm yourself, Nora. Try and think back now to the last time you saw Martin Hawkes.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Was.

[Sam Spade]

Monday, four days ago.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Yes. The call came from some legal firm named Bennett and Hatch.

[Sam Spade]

Let me write that down.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I switched the call into Martin. I was worried for him. I was concerned. I have to admit, now I did a terrible thing.

[Sam Spade]

Ah, you listened in.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I did. They told him his sister was in town, that she was working at some a nightclub and wanted to see him.

[Sam Spade]

What nightclub was this?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Let me see. It was the Tortuga.

[Sam Spade]

What else?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

That's all. They hung up then and Martin came out. I watched the blood drain from his.

[Sam Spade]

Handsome features, his Hand trembled, his jaw clenched.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Yes, I'm going out, Nora, he said. If I'm not back, don't worry. That's all. It was so light, Martin.

[Sam Spade]

The Tortuga was only a few blocks away on Post street, so I walked there. Were just tooling up for the dinner trade when I arrived. Sailed around backstage like Billy Rose on an inspection tour. Found the doorman and showed him the snapshot you'd given me of young Dr. Hawks. Or tried. Look, young feller, I told you we don't have no dancer here named a Hawk. I ain't got Dorman. Dorman, please take a look at the picture. No, I ain't got the. Yeah, that fellow was here Tuesday. There. Monday night it was. Well, who'd you come to see? Wasn't nobody named Horse, mister. It was Beth Chardine. Well, bless you, Dorman. Bless you. Bless you, too. Thank you, Beth. John Dean.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Come in.

[Sam Spade]

I close the door, will you? Yeah.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Rafty?

[Sam Spade]

Yeah. Yeah. Is there anything I can.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

There sure is. Sit me up, Jack.

[Sam Spade]

I'm Sam.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I don't care if you're Boris Karloff. You got hands. Adam, do set me up.

[Sam Spade]

Okay. Say when wind can you breathe?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Oh, no, you can't have everything.

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[Agatha Pilbeam]

Let's go.

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[Agatha Pilbeam]

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[Agatha Pilbeam]

What'S on your mind, Jack?

[Sam Spade]

Martin Hawks.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Sorry, never heard of him.

[Sam Spade]

Look, we're getting along beautifully up to now, honey, let's not spoil it. You not only know Martin Hawks, you're his sister.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

What makes you so.

[Sam Spade]

What's that card stuck over there in the mirror? Bennett and Hatch, Attorneys at Law. The same Bennett and Or Hatch who called Martin Monday afternoon and told him his sister wanted to see him here now. What's this all about?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I can't tell you.

[Sam Spade]

He got a telegram from Mexico.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Mexico?

[Sam Spade]

Yeah. It upset him something awful.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

What'd it say?

[Sam Spade]

Regret. Must confirm your worst fear.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

You're dead, huh?

[Sam Spade]

Yeah.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

That's great.

[Sam Spade]

Great. Pretty hilarious, huh, Jackie?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Just ain't got no idea. I got a piece of advice for you, Jack.

[Sam Spade]

Oh?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Forget about Marty Hawks and live a long and useful life.

[Sam Spade]

I got a tip for you, too. You're in a tight spot. Spot? Watch that zipper, Jack. One of the heavier soap opera types, Beth was, with a throaty voice and a talent for besmirching reputation. What was the mysterious influence she wielded over young Dr. Hawks? How much did she know about his strange disappearance? What about the cryptic telegram from Mexico City? And what about dinner? The last question I could answer. I stopped at Schroeder's for sar brown and potato pancakes, ran into Larry Mahoney of Homicide who was off duty, and we stopped in at a handy alley and bowled until 11. I was walking back down Market street when I passed the Flood Building, which reminded me of the firm of Bennett and Hatch who resided there. As a matter of fact, it looked like they were there right now since the light was on behind the second floor window with their name on it. Now, the sensible thing was have been to call around 9 in the morning. But as I seldom do sensible things, I hustled up the stairs and down the corridor to their office. Someone other than Bennett or Hatch had put in some time. Obviously, the drawers of a dozen or more file cases had been pulled out and dumped on the floor. The desk drawers likewise. And to mark it clearly as the work of a thoroughgoing professional, the safe door was off its hinges. All this took me back to the Model A parked in front of your house this afternoon. Agatha. And I was contemplating. Same when. Hello?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Manage.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Good picture. I was scared you wouldn't be there. Try to get you home. Do it, baby. Do it. Pull the string. We'll never make it with this guy. We'll flew. Pull the string Here. Do it, baby. Do it. Make it.

[Sam Spade]

Hello, Operator? Operator? Operator. I finally got someone at the Tortuga Club who knew where Beth Jardine lived. An apartment on Russian Hill. I didn't stop to ask which apartment. And when I got there, I found I didn't have to. All Right. Stand back, everybody.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Stand back.

[Sam Spade]

Dogan. Oh, hello, Sam. What happened? Jane just knocked herself off. Huh? Jumped from a room on the eighth floor.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Stand back.

[Sam Spade]

There was no need to, but I looked at her anyway, just to make sure it was Beth all right. When she said she was through, she meant it. I was just turning to go and something big in a tan camel's hair brushed past me and bent over the body. Where is she? Where? Beth. Sister Beth B. I recognize him from a snapshot. Wild haired, with a four days growth of beard on his lean, handsome face. It was Martin Hawks on the verge of collapse. Officer Dugan and I helped him through the crowd toward the ambulance that had just rolled up, sat him on the running board and began to question him. What help us have again?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Your name. Your name.

[Sam Spade]

What's your name? My name? Of course. I, I, My name? I I, I don't know. I don't know my name. It happens to everyone in soap operas sooner or later. When he filled out the forms on poor Beth Jardine, old Doc Peterson gave Martin a double O, blew his nose and announced with a twinkle in his eye, here's to me. Like young Dr. Hawks has got himself a case of amnesia. Will the mind of young Dr. Hawks come out of the fog? What does he know about the death of Beth? Was it murder or suicide or both? And what of the mysterious telegram from Mexico City? Will Agatha ever discover the terrible secret of young Dr. Hawks? And will stupid Sam ever discover anything? Before we continue, a word from our announcer. You are listening to the weekly adventure of radio's most famous detective, Sam Spade. Three chimes mean good times on NBC. Saturday night is date night, but tomorrow poor Dennis Day has trouble with his girlfriend Gloria. However, Dennis manages to sing his way out of trouble in his charming boyish fashion and say, why not let Dennis help your Saturday evening along too? And for more music and fun tomorrow, there's the Judy Canova show, starring Judy in a melodic and carefree half hour of laughs and Grand Ole Opry with singing MC Red Foley and his special guest, cowboy troubadour Ernie Tubb. And now back to the soap opera caper, Tonight's adventure with Sam Spade. It's a half hour later, now, in the sterile whiteness of a hospital room, that the three of us, you, Agatha, I and old Doc Peterson and gather around the pale, quiet form of young Dr. Hawks.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Martin. Martin. Speak to me, Martin. God.

[Sam Spade]

Who are you?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I Just your own attitude.

[Sam Spade]

Come ag. Better leave him be for now, Zach.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I can't go on. When a woman Really?

[Sam Spade]

I know, I know. You gotta be strong, Agatha. Sam, we better leave him be for now. Well, you're the doctor.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Oh, Doctor could have done this to Marty.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, shock. Sometimes.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

You don't mean it.

[Sam Spade]

Yes, I'm afraid I do.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Being his sister, then?

[Sam Spade]

Could be. Or sometimes it's just a matter of a body getting into such a fix, his mind backs off and refuses to have any part of it.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

The wild in Mexican City, huh? His terrible secret. The strange threat hanging over him and his sister driving one to suicide and the other. The other? Did he? Well, no wonder poor Martin gave away before thee.

[Sam Spade]

Sure, sure. There's still another explanation. How's that, Sam? That he figured amnesia was a nice, easy way not to have to account for what he's been up to for the last four days. Or where he was when the dame took off from the eighth story.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Mr. Stade, you're not accusing Martin.

[Sam Spade]

There's something buzzing around in his little mind. The nurse tells me she got him into a pair of pajamas and tucked him in nice and cozy before we got here. Well, yes. Well, you may not have noticed, Agatha, because he pulled the covers up around his neck, but our boy had his clothes back on just now. What? Martin? Hey, he's gone. Indeed he was. Was Martin. As we could plainly deduce from the open window and the curtains blowing gently out over the fire escape, young Dr. Hawks indeed had packed up his amnesia, his terrible secret and his toothbrush, and taken off into the night. So I left you sobbing gently on old Doc's shoulder and found me a phone in a drugstore a safe distance away. On the 48th ring, Bennett, the Bennett and Hatch attorneys answered. He was sleepy. I used all my soft answers and he used all his hard ones. And finally we got to the point. All right, Spade. All right. The Jardine dame left a sealed envelope with us. What was in it? How do I know? It was sealed, marked personal and confidential, to be delivered to the city attorney in the event of my death. Signed, Beth Jardine Hawks. Signed how? Beth Jardine Hawks. Not Beth Hawks Jardine? No. Is it important? Just a tiresome detail, Bennett. So she brought you the envelope, paid your fee, and you stuck it in the vault for her. Then what? She had to call her brother and tell him to meet her at the Tortuga period that ended our part of it. We didn't even get our feet wet. On the contrary, Bennett, you're up to your ears. In what? Blackmail. Bye. Which explained many things, to wit, a the wire from Mexico City from a lawyer named Cardoza, B, the murder of Beth Jardine, and C, the reason for young Dr. Hawk's mysterious flight from the hospital, his mind still with amnesia. It did not, however, explain why stupid Sam had kept Crock Morton's business card in his vest pocket for 21 pages without doing something about it. The address was near 3rd and Howard. Not one of the better business sections, even for a private detective. I walked down Third street past the Sherry and Muscatel joints, looking at numbers, and then discovered it wasn't necessary. The old model was pulled up in front of White, what might have been a respectable office building before the earthquake, but now couldn't decide whether to be a warehouse or a tenement. Thus far, a harmonious picture. But behind the Model A was something twice as long and three times as shiny with a motor running out of place by about $4,000. Out kind of late, aren't you, Nora?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Damn.

[Sam Spade]

Nor damn normal. All right, don't reach for the horn.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

But he told me.

[Sam Spade]

Sure. And you believed it? Like everything else he told you. Come on, get out.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I will not get out.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, but you will. I'll pull you out by your pretty blonde hair. Come on. That's it.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

You can't do this to me, Mr. Spade. Nothing can stop Martin and me. We have our right to happiness.

[Sam Spade]

Uh huh. Just the two of you? Chins up, eyes on the horizon, let the dead past bury itself.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

How can you joke?

[Sam Spade]

It's no joke, believe me. You got taxi fare?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Why?

[Sam Spade]

Because you're going to get in my cab, go home, put your hair up in curlers and go to bed after saying to yourself 1000 times what a lucky little girl you are that Martin Hawks didn't shove you out a window, too. Now scoot. Scoot. It was a kind of a dark stairway that made me yearn for the comfortable feel of a shoulder holster under my left arm. At the top was a three and a half watt bulb, and at the other end of the hallway, a crack of light under Crock's office door. Between the two was a cat. More the pity. So, abandoning my stealthy approach, I walked up to the door, turned the knob, stuck my hand in my side coat pocket like Edward G. Robinson, and kicked the door open. Crock was sitting at his desk behind a stack of bills. A closet door was just closing softly. Who was in the closet? And did he still have his toothbrush? His terrible secret and his amnesia with him? You. You took me up on it right quick, huh? Have a chair. I sat on a chair in the corner, out of line of the closet door behind the desk. Oh, Sammy, you got a job for me, huh? Yeah, yeah, You. You don't look like you need a job. Trust, eh? Oh, this? Yeah. Nothing. Good day at the track. That's all. What's on your mind? Remember the blunterhassett job, huh? The one with the letters before you went up? What are you talking about, sir? The shakedown, Croc. The dama wanted you to get the letters back, remember? You know. So you got them for delivered and collected after you had the photostats made. Sam, you're crazy. I never done no such thing. You can level with me, Croc. You collected on the photostats for eight years. Wait, Sam. Well, forget it. Anyway, I got another one. Dr. Martin Hawks, married to the soap opera queen, you know.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

What about it, son?

[Sam Spade]

She's worth a couple of million bucks and has six weeks to live. As her husband, he's her only heir. Nice spot to be in. Yeah. Only he isn't her husband because a Mexican divorce from his first wife, the late Beth Jardine Hawks, wasn't legal. You know, she blew in a month ago and began shaking him down after leaving the marriage certificate and a batch of other papers with some lawyers for life insurance. Sam, I. I just ain't interested. When you hear the payoff, Croc, it's just like the dame with letters. What do you mean? Hawks hired someone to crack the lawyer's office and get the papers out of the safe. Some smart guy. Yeah, an unpro private eye who doesn't have a license. I found out where he had the photo stats made, though. I can get copies. Clean up.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I'll shut up.

[Sam Spade]

The closet door knob was turning slowly. I waited them out of the way and picked up the chair. It was all over. Two seconds after it started, a door flew open. He came out with a terrible secret, which turned out to be a gun. And I wrapped a chair right around his head. So I picked up the gun and CROC and young Dr. Hawks and we all picked up a ride to headquarters. Only one scene remained to be played in today's exciting episode.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Try to be brave. Sounds like such a cliche now.

[Sam Spade]

Good show, Agatha. Good show.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Life must go on, you know, even when a woman.

[Sam Spade]

You were born in 1911, I believe.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Yes. As I say, life must go on. Even when a woman.

[Sam Spade]

Indeed, it must. Indeed it must. We have our happy moments and our sad ones. Our pleasures, our trials, our joys and our heartbreak.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

And sometimes, Mr. Spade. Yes, sometimes at the bottom of our cup of bitterness we find a pool.

[Sam Spade]

We do the laboratory a mistake, definitely. They got yours mixed up with someone else's. And you have no incurable disease and many years of happiness ahead of you.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Yes, Mr. Stage, but happiness. I wonder, can a woman pass Hortons whose husband is a convicted murderer find happiness alone?

[Sam Spade]

Well, good show. Period. End of opera. Oh.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Damn. I can't wait for tomorrow's episode.

[Sam Spade]

I'll be sure to tune in at this very same time, cherub. And meanwhile, answer me this. How long will it take a woman past 20 to turn out a 25 page report?

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Yes, sir. I'll have the answer after a brief word from our announcer.

[Sam Spade]

Three chimes mean good times on NBC. Tomorrow, Arturo Toscanini will conduct the renowned NBC Symphony in the fourth of a Saturday concert series. For tomorrow's one hour performance, celebrated maestro Toscanini as chosen works by Debussy, Raspi and Edward Elgar. You're invited tomorrow to the NBC Symphony and Toscanini.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Oh, dear.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, there, there, little girl. No tears now. No tears.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

They're tears of gratitude. Sam, when I read all this about other people's troubles, I'm. I'm so grateful to you for the smooth life we have together.

[Sam Spade]

Effie.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Stan.

[Sam Spade]

Effie, Effie.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Stan.

[Sam Spade]

That takes about 10 seconds. Go ahead.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I'm only merely a secretary, but over.

[Sam Spade]

Now, Matter of fact, we're 10 seconds over.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

Oh, but Sam, I haven't even. Your wife to be verses nothing but peace and quiet. Fairly regular paycheck with only a corpse.

[Sam Spade]

Now and then to produce a ripple on the mirror smoothness of our voice.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

All that beautiful things. I thought you don't have a single terrible secret either.

[Sam Spade]

No, but just to keep you interested, dear one, from time to time I shall pick up a piece of paper, read it, let the blood drain slowly from my face, then clasp you to me, thus holding you close and just before striding silently from the room, mutter in your shell pink ear.

[Agatha Pilbeam]

I know. Good night.

[Sam Spade]

Good night, sweetheart. The adventures of Sam Spade are produced, edited and directed by William Spear. Sam Spade was played by Stephen Dunn. Lorene Tuttle as Effie. Script for tonight's adventure by Harold Swanton. Musical scoring by Lud Bluskin conducted by Robert Armbruster. Join us again next week, same time, for another adventure with Sam Spade. Join the magnificent Montague and have fun at Duffy Tavern on NBC.

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[Agatha Pilbeam]

Wherever you see a flower, a bird, a beautiful tree, know that my love is with you. As you bring our colorful stories to the world. Make the forest part of your story. At a park near you, find [e-mail].