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Sam Spade
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Effie
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Sam Spade
Wow, wow, wow. Why is that?
Effie
This is amazing.
Sam Spade
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Effie
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Sam Spade
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Effie
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Sam Spade
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Narrator
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Effie
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Effie
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Sam Spade
My church too.
Effie
I love it. I really do.
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Narrator
Welcome to Choice Classic Radio where we bring to you the greatest old time radio shows like us on Facebook. Subscribe to us on YouTube and thank you for donating@ChoiceClassicRadio.com the Adventures of Sam Spade Detective brought to you by Wild Root Cream Oil Hair Tonic, the non alcoholic hair tonic that contains lanolin. Wild Root Cream Oil. Again and again, the choice of men who put good grooming first.
Effie
Sam Spade Detective Agency.
Sam Spade
Me sweetheart.
Effie
Sam, how did it go?
Sam Spade
It was the end, Effie, but.
Effie
Oh, Sam, not another one of those society things.
Sam Spade
Depends on what you mean by society.
Effie
Well, you know, Sam. Cafe society. Cocktails for two hands across the table. Make it another Old Fashioned.
Sam Spade
Please, let's not lose our head, Abby. Nothing but double martinis. Very dry with two olives, sweetheart.
Effie
Two olives. Oh, Sam, isn't that overdoing it?
Sam Spade
It was all overdone, sweetheart. That's what cracked it. Now stay right where you are. I'll be right down to mix up my report on the dry martini caper. Get it?
Narrator
Dashiell Hammett, America's leading detective fiction writer and creator of Sam Spade, the Hard Boiled Private Eye and William Spear, radio's outstanding producer, director of mystery and crime drama, join their talents to make your hair stand on end with the Adventures of Sam Spade presented by the makers of Wild Root Cream Oil for the hare. August is always a great vacation month. And for those of you planning to Take your vacation soon. Let me suggest that when you're packing, be sure you include a bottle and a handy tube of Wild Root Cream Oil Hair tonic. For no matter where you go, you can always depend on Wild Root Cream Oil to groom your hair neatly and naturally, relieve dryness and remove loose dandruff. Yes, you can take it with you on your vacation. And you should. Wild Root Cream Oil Hair Tonic. Again and again, the choice of men who put good grooming first. And now, with Howard Duff starring a spade, Wild Root brings to the air the greatest private detective of them all in the Adventures of Sam Spade.
Effie
You look sober as an owl, wise.
Sam Spade
As an owl, sober as a judge. Eph.
Effie
Oh. Well, the way you talked on the phone, I thought you drowned the shamrock. Kissed the Black Betty, spliced the main brace, decorated the mahogany, made a Dutch bargain or in a word, gone to give a Chinaman a music lesson.
Sam Spade
Effie, I wish you'd spend more time with Harper's Bazaar while I'm gone and less with the thesaurus of slang.
Effie
Ah.
Sam Spade
Didn't know I could say that. Are you sober?
Effie
Well, I've been riding the Choo Choo, drinking Adam's ale, and if you don't believe it, just ask me to walk a chalk.
Sam Spade
Okay. Heelsy, toesy, all arms akimbo, eyes glazed.
Effie
Yes, Sam.
Sam Spade
Oh. Then the tip of the forefinger to the tip of the nose.
Effie
Oh. Oh, Sam, it makes me dizzy.
Sam Spade
Dizzy Gillespie.
Effie
Dizzy Goat.
Sam Spade
Oh, Sam. Exactly. And you are not sewn up, shagged, shellacked, shickered, stuccoed tap, shackled, stiffo or real crazy?
Effie
Well, you know best, Sam.
Sam Spade
Good. Now try this one.
Effie
Yes, Prez.
Sam Spade
Sitting posture, limbs cruciform.
Effie
What?
Sam Spade
Cheesecake style. Oh, Sam, that's it. Now, place the notebook just a little higher. Good. Now apply the tip of the pencil to the top of the fool's cap and proceed. Viz.
Effie
Viz.
Sam Spade
Date, August 1, 1948. To Mrs. Netta Martini, 1000 Marina Boulevard, San Francisco, from Samuel Spade, license number 127596. Subject. Dear Netta, the first I knew of the caper was day before yesterday morning when I saw your husband's picture in the paper. It was one of those lovingly retouched executive type photographs of a man in his late 40s or early 50s, graying at the temples and wearing an embalmed man of distinction. Look. The story was headlined Corporation Head waylaid by Mysterious Assailant Chauffeur. Foils would be kidnappers at offices of Martini Trading Company. The item under it wasn't as Thrilling as the headline sounded. As if he'd been knocked down for his wallet and the attempted kidnapping had been dreamed up by a bored City News reporter. I tossed it into the wastebasket along with my morning mail and went back to the Police Gazette. On page three, the phone rang. Unique Garage. Harry speaking.
Ernie
Mr. Spade.
Sam Spade
One moment. Who's calling? Gordon Martini. Not Gordon Martini. The corporation head. Waylaid by mysterious assailant, chairman of the board, and there's nothing mysterious about it. Then what are you doing on this phone?
Ernie
I can't talk on the phone.
Sam Spade
Where are you? In a hospital. I left that pest house this morning. I'm at my residence, 1000 Marina Boulevard. It will take you exactly 20 minutes by cab. You will meet me in front of.
Narrator
The building and we'll have our conference.
Sam Spade
In my car en route to the office. Where's your office? Downtown, Post Street. Why don't I meet you there? I'm a busy man.
Ernie
Have a full calendar.
Sam Spade
I'm already late due to all that hospital red tape, but I can fit.
Narrator
You under my schedule if you'll hurry.
Sam Spade
Now, look alive, man. Well, it's a little early in the morning, but I'm trying hard.
Narrator
Good. What will you want for a retainer?
Sam Spade
I'll let you know if I decide to take the job.
Narrator
Fair enough.
Sam Spade
20 minutes, I'll expect you. I should have looked more alive. It took me 2 minutes to get onto the straight, 1 minute to flag down a cabin and 18 minutes to reach your address letter. A total of 21 minutes. As my taxi drew up to the curb in front of the canopied entrance to the corner apartment house at 1000 Marina, I saw your husband pacing indignantly up and down in front of the entrance, pausing only to glare at the outsized chronometer on his left wrist. His gray homburg was perched atop an outsized turban of gauze bandage that decorated his head.
Narrator
Ah, are you sweet?
Sam Spade
You're exactly 1 minute and 22 seconds late.
Narrator
Hours are made of minutes, minutes are made of seconds.
Sam Spade
And killing this seemingly negligible interval of time, you have wounded an hour. Oh, I have? Well, I'm sorry. The traffic's pretty heavy out here this hour of the morning. You know, you should have started a minute and 22 seconds earlier. I'm sorry. There was a bore on the telephone. Kept talking about how valuable his time was. Well, don't apologize. Only waste more time. Here's your check, $100. My car's just around the corner. I paid that chauffeur a large Salary, but mustn't keep him waiting. In the meantime, you may as well start earning a fee. I've been earning it for the past 22 minutes and 22 seconds. Wait. Uh huh. I suspected as much.
Narrator
You drive a car?
Sam Spade
Yeah. You mean one man drives all that?
Ernie
I see him. That rascally chauffeur of mine sleep in the back seat.
Narrator
All right, come out of there, you.
Sam Spade
Hey. Hey.
Effie
Watch.
Sam Spade
I was behind him and a little to the right. The shock of the rapid fire. 30 caliber slugs lifted him off his feet and knocked him against me. I went down under his 300 pounds of dead weight. By the time I rolled him off of me and got up, the gunman had jumped out of the limousine and into a gray sedan that was double parked alongside in the welter of traffic on the boulevard. I didn't dare risk throwing a shot after him. But I did get the first three numbers of the license plate before it buried itself in a heavy stream of AM commuters. That's when the air changed from exhaust fumes to something out of a Persian garden. I turned and looked for the first time into your Nile green eyes, Netta, and saw you twisting a handkerchief in your pale hands. I might have loved beside the Shalimar, but on Marina Boulevard they look like hysterics dead ahead.
Effie
Who did it? You saw him. Don't lie to me. Why don't they come with the ambulance? Why are all those people standing around there staring at. Make them go away.
Sam Spade
Stop it, will you? That's better. Now come on over here. Who are you, his wife?
Effie
Yes, and it was all my fault. This is the end. I called Ernie out the window and asked him to come upstairs. I wanted him to return some lingerie. They sent the wrong color peach.
Sam Spade
Yeah, yeah. Who's Ernie?
Effie
He's our chauffeur. I was looking for the exchange slip when we heard the shots. Is he dead this time?
Sam Spade
Yeah. Doggo to pieces.
Effie
Poor Gordon. He had so many enemies. He didn't drink. Well, you know, people dropped us like flies.
Sam Spade
Well, they certainly dropped your husband.
Effie
Are you a policeman?
Sam Spade
No, but I'll do until the real thing comes along. Which is right now. If I were you, lady, I'd go back upstairs and relax. They'll get to you soon enough.
Effie
Yes, I suppose you're right. Poor Gordon. He looks so natural stretched out on the pavement. Yeah, I keep thinking he'll get up and stagger on into the elevator. He didn't drink at all.
Sam Spade
Well, go on, will you?
Effie
All right on, go. Oh, Ernie.
Sam Spade
Where did you go down at the garage? I heard a car driving. Poor Mr. Martini. It's all my fault.
Effie
No, Ernie, it's mine. If I only hadn't mislaid that exchange slip.
Sam Spade
What?
Effie
You know, when I called you out the window to come and get that package.
Sam Spade
Oh. Oh, that.
Ernie
What do we got here?
Sam Spade
Who's the witness? Me. Oh, Spade. Lost another client, huh? Not quite. I hadn't cashed the check yet. Well, they got him anyway.
Ernie
All right, clear a spacer there. Let him through with that stretcher.
Sam Spade
Step over here out of the crowd, Sam. I want to get that statement. Yeah, okay, Gary, take it down. Got a pencil? Yeah, and I want it back. Let's have it. This guy is Gordon Martini. He headed up a local firm, the Martini Trading Company. Last night he was working late at his office, got boinged, Phoned me this morning. Didn't know why. Thought maybe he wanted a bodyguard. Anyway, he needed one. Gunman was crouched in the back seat of the limousine. Shoved the carbine out when Martini opened the door. Carbine, huh? Didn't get a good look at him. You could see the way it's closed in those side windows. Foreign car, isn't it? Stop drooling. You can't afford one. You getting all this? What about the getaway? Martini fell on top of me. I saw the getaway car on the back of his head. The car was a gray sedan. Back of his head was a standard make, too. Only got the first three digits of license plate. 5D9. 5D9. Anything else? Yeah, give me back my pencil. The Homicide boys want some help. They know my faith. Ever wonder what life is like with a phantom screen? It's magic. It is. Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Effie
Whoa.
Sam Spade
Why is that?
Effie
This is amazing.
Sam Spade
Retractable screens for your home make life better.
Effie
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Sam Spade
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Effie
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Narrator
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Sam Spade
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Effie
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Sam Spade
Mr. Spade, this is Martini. Why aren't you and Ernie upstairs getting your alibis shaped up?
Effie
Please, I. I can't face the questions just yet. Would it be legal if I just avoided them till I can collect myself?
Sam Spade
I don't know about legal, but it might be smart.
Effie
Where can we talk?
Sam Spade
What do you suggest?
Effie
Well, there's a little cocktail lounge up on Lombard where Ernie and I all. I mean, well, it's. It's just around the corner.
Sam Spade
Very handy. Let's.
Effie
Against my mother's advice. I should have listened, but. Well, that's why I married Mr. Martini.
Sam Spade
Well, that brings us up to 1943, and it's only quarter 12.
Effie
You're just like him. Always holding a stopwatch over my head.
Sam Spade
Always.
Effie
Well, he drank, you know.
Sam Spade
You told me that.
Effie
But it's much more important than you think. He often fell down and bumped his head.
Sam Spade
You mean that mysterious assailant that waylaid him last night in his office was.
Effie
A double martini, two pitchers, full before dinner, turning. Had to carry him up to his office.
Sam Spade
Well, what did he go up there for?
Effie
Oh, he had an appointment with the vice president of the firm, Mr. Nesbitt. Something had come up and he wanted Gordon to sign some papers. I don't know what. It wasn't the first time I waited outside in the car. After Ernie had taken him upstairs, he came back to the car and we talked.
Sam Spade
Mm. Ernie has alibis. Upstairs, downstairs and all around the house.
Effie
Well, then when the others came out and Gordon didn't, Ernie went upstairs to see why.
Sam Spade
Others? Mr. Nesbitt and who else?
Effie
Mary Callahan, Secretary? No, she's an attorney. And if you think everything was legal between those two. Well. But after all, who am I to call the kettle black?
Sam Spade
What are you trying to tell me? That you got him drunk so they could make him sign some papers? That he got himself drunk so he couldn't write his name and that he just got drunk and fell down?
Effie
Between you and me, I think she pushed him down a flight of stairs. In his condition, he never remembered.
Sam Spade
Why are you putting a finger on the Callahan Danes?
Effie
What would you think? He was the last one out of the building.
Sam Spade
Why didn't you want to tell all this to the police?
Effie
Well, I didn't want to Talk about his drink. Things were bad enough already. That would have been the end.
Sam Spade
That's as good an answer as any. What do you want me to do for you?
Effie
Prove that she did it and Ernie didn't.
Sam Spade
I'll let you take care of Ernie.
Effie
Oh, no. I don't want to alibi him unless I have to. He might get the wrong idea.
Sam Spade
You mean I've got the wrong idea.
Effie
He might think it meant I still care for him. And I don't. I can't stand him anymore, the way he chews those toothpicks. And besides, if his alibi is too good, I might have trouble about that car being in the backseat of my car.
Sam Spade
Pardon me? It sounded as if you said you might have trouble about a car being in the backseat of your car.
Effie
That's what I said.
Sam Spade
Where is your car?
Effie
In the garage. But somebody had it out this morning. They scraped the fender coming back in and they ran into the wall. They must have been in an awful hurry.
Sam Spade
Tell me, this car yours? It wouldn't be a gray sedan?
Effie
Yes.
Sam Spade
License number?
Effie
Oh, wait a minute. It's on my key ring. Here. 5D9.
Sam Spade
That's enough. Why didn't you tell me this before?
Effie
Well, I couldn't get up the nerve after I heard you tell that policeman the gun that killed Gordon was a carbine. And the gray sedan and all that. Well, it's the end.
Sam Spade
I hoped you were right, but I didn't think so. When I went to look at the gray sedan in your garage, I knew you were wrong. Dead wrong. It was the getaway car, all right. And the carbine, as you know, was proven later to be the one that killed your husband. But Ernie had turned into a very poor suspect indeed. He was hugging the carpet between the front and rear seats, and when I nudged him, he didn't move. He'd been shot at closer range than Gordon Martini, and the killer had used only one slug. It was planted in the base of his brain, which made him not only a very poor suspect, but a very dead one.
Narrator
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Effie
Martini Trading Company. Good afternoon. I'm sorry, Mr. Nesbitt is in conference. I'll see that he gets your message. Well, what can I do for you?
Sam Spade
I would like to see Ms. Callahan.
Effie
Ms. Callahan is in conference with Mr. Nesit.
Sam Spade
Good. I would like to see them both.
Effie
But I have orders not to disturb them.
Sam Spade
You do not have to. I will.
Effie
Just a minute. You can't go breaking unlike that.
Ernie
Yes, and I'll tell you something else you won't ever get away with. Why, everyone in this town knows about your underworld connection.
Effie
Why, you doddering old fool.
Ernie
When I get through with you, if.
Effie
You don't go to the gas chamber for Gordon Martini's murder, you'll wish you mad.
Ernie
If I go to the gas chamber, it'll be for killing you, not Gordon.
Effie
Oh, you said it. Oh, why didn't I have witnesses here. Ms. Callahan, did you hear that?
Sam Spade
You weren't talking loud enough. I didn't hear a thing.
Ernie
Well, come on in here and I'll tell you a thing or two. Close that door. Now sit down.
Sam Spade
Thanks. I listen better on my feet.
Ernie
Oh, so you're the detective Netta Martini employed, eh? What's she paying you?
Sam Spade
That'll depend on how much I have to do for her.
Effie
Well, I'll tell you how much you'll have to do for her. You'll have to make a case against me and that's not going to be easy.
Sam Spade
Why do you think she's out to get you?
Ernie
Why indeed. For years this moth eaten mouthpiece, this parboiled Portia, has been victimizing poor Gordon, taking advantage of his weakness for Drake. Now that she's liquidated him, she appears with 55% of the common stock. Motive enough, eh?
Effie
Why, you fraudulent old fool. I simply bought up his debts and threw an attachment on those stocks. Unethical, but perfectly legal. Well, you're not even a proper thief. You're nothing but a bumbling old embezzler. Now listen, you had to tell because he was going to call in the auditors. Look over those books of yours. The deed of double entry, Mr. Spade.
Sam Spade
Look, look, will you save this for the courtroom scene? Now you've convinced me you're both crooked. I'll see that you both go up for something. That's a promise.
Ernie
Oh, Mr. Spade, I gave you credit for better sense. Do you know that this Medusa of the magistrate's court, this harpy of the hall of justice, tricked him into changing the beneficiary of his insurance the very night she pushed him down the stairs? And you were all in favor of.
Effie
It when you thought you held a controlling interest in the company. Answer that. You see, Mr. Spade, he can't answer that.
Sam Spade
Good, good. I'm glad one of you is temporarily lost for words. Now, I only want to know one thing and I want a straight answer. And if either one of you starts off in another speech, I'm gonna push you into the nearest cloakroom and lock you in together.
Effie
Why, you wouldn't dare.
Sam Spade
Try me, sweetheart.
Ernie
Well, what do you want to know about this Amazon ambulance chaser? This trilby of the traffic corps?
Sam Spade
Watch it.
Effie
Well, what do you want to know.
Sam Spade
About Martini's insurance policy? Now, you say he changed the beneficiary. Please answer in 10 words or less who was the beneficiary and who is the beneficiary?
Effie
Now, I'll have to answer that question in two parts. The beneficiary was his wife. He changed it to the Martini Trading Company, a corporation of the State of California.
Sam Spade
Thank you and goodbye. Mary Callahan and that Netta took the heat off of you for the time being. Which made things tough for me. Because Callahan and Nesbitt were so horrible I never wanted to see them again. Even to testify against them in court. I was sure of one thing. None of you had pulled the trigger of that carbine. There'd been a hired killer behind it. And the way he operated takes crazy chances. In broad daylight in a crowded street told me an important thing about him. That night I made the rounds of the joints. At a plant called the Bing Room. I found a bouncer who tossed out a customer that run up a bill and tried to pay it with a thousand dollar check. He sent me to the Atlas Hotel. The Atlas Hotel is off of 3rd street, down near the railroad yards. Not even a fleabag. The fleas sickened and died a long time ago. They couldn't take it. And from the look of the guests sprawled out in the mission furniture of the lobby, they wouldn't be able to much longer. A half dead Room clerk came back to the land of the living long enough to mutter a room number and wave me feebly toward a flight of crummy stairs.
Ernie
Yeah, what do you want?
Sam Spade
You hack Hartman?
Ernie
Hey, you got anything for me, huh?
Sam Spade
Yeah, I got news for you. Get back in the room. I'll tell you all about it.
Ernie
Yeah, well, come on in.
Sam Spade
Drop the shiv.
Ernie
Yeah, I'll drop it. I'll fix you. I'll cut you good. I'll cut you. I'll cut you.
Sam Spade
I'm glad you did that. You make it easy for me. Now get over there.
Ernie
Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I'm not feeling so good.
Sam Spade
You can feel a lot worse. Who hired you to put the burn on Martini?
Ernie
You don't get nothing out of me.
Sam Spade
Who gave you that check?
Ernie
Oh, leave me alone.
Sam Spade
I got all night, hack, and I feel better than you do. What did you do with that check? I'll shake it if your teeth come out with it. Come on.
Ernie
All right, all right. Stop it. Stop it. I don't feel so good.
Sam Spade
Okay. Where?
Ernie
Pocket my shirt.
Sam Spade
Don't reach. I'll get it. There was a company check, which is what I'd expected. It was for $1,000, drawn in the Golden Gate Trust and Loan. But I wasn't expecting to find the signature on the bottom line. It was signed in a bold firm hand. Gordon Martini. Who was the penman on this?
Ernie
He wrote it himself, right in front of me.
Sam Spade
What was it supposed to be for?
Effie
He.
Ernie
He wanted I should knock off his brother.
Sam Spade
You get mixed up.
Ernie
He's dead, ain't he?
Sam Spade
That's what I mean. Gordon Martini's dead.
Ernie
Ah, the papers got it wrong. That was his brother. His twin brother. That other guy, that chauffeur kept hanging around the garage so I couldn't get out. I had to. I had to burn him too.
Sam Spade
You know what you're saying?
Ernie
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm making sense now. Get out of here. I'm getting steamed.
Sam Spade
Don't let it worry. Yeah, I got a nice cool place all picked out for you. After I turned Hack over to the cops, I did what checking I could at that time of night. As nearly as I could learn, Gordon Martini could never have had a brother, twin or otherwise. He was a first child. His mother died in childbirth and his father died one month later. So I went back to the offices of the Martini Trading Company. Glass keyed my way in and made a quick frisk of it. There I learned that the signature on the check was indeed Gordon's. But that he had closed out his account at that bank the day he wrote it. I thought about that on the way out to your apartment.
Effie
Sam, I've been calling and calling, trying to reach you. I've been so worried it's the end.
Sam Spade
This time you might be right. Fix me a drink.
Effie
Well, there's nothing in the house but those prepared martinis Gordon used to drink. Is that all right?
Sam Spade
No, but fix me one anyway. Never mind the ice. It's not morning yet. But I hate myself already.
Effie
Why don't you just relax and let me get it for you?
Sam Spade
I'll relax. You get the martinis.
Effie
What happened? What'd you think of Mary Callahan? Isn't she the end?
Sam Spade
She's cute. You're all cute.
Effie
All of me on ice. I put ice in. Anyway, it's nasty with our.
Sam Spade
It's nasty.
Effie
Anyway, I hope it doesn't make you fall down the way it did poor Gordon.
Sam Spade
Thanks.
Effie
What? What's the matter? Too dry?
Sam Spade
You open this bottle fresh?
Effie
Why, yes. What's the matter?
Sam Spade
Where are they, the rest of the bottles? Oh, yeah. More of the same. Is this all your husband ever drank?
Effie
Yes, gallons of it. It's a special brand. He even took it with him to bars and people's houses. He'd sit and drink them right out of the bottle like a little child. Then he'd be falling down drunk, of course. And that's how we lost so many friends. They dropped us like. Like.
Sam Spade
Like flies. Yeah. It was the end.
Effie
Who you phoning?
Sam Spade
City morgue. Maxie. Sam Spade. Sammy, what can I do on you? On Martini, Maxie. They got around to the autopsy end? Yeah, they rushed him through. Got the report handy right in front of me. Funny thing, Sam, the doc said they should have saved themselves the trouble. He'd have been dead in a week or two without no help. What from? Brain tumor. Malignant, it says here. Any alcohol in him? None from drinking. Sammy. What about the head wounds? Accidental fall due to periodic fainting spells. Part of his condition. Thanks, Maxie.
Effie
Well, what is it, Sam? Were the martinis poison?
Sam Spade
No, sweetheart. The martinis were colored water.
Effie
Why, they couldn't. Well, what made him get so drunk?
Sam Spade
He didn't. He was sick.
Effie
But Sam, who killed him, killed himself. But he couldn't have.
Sam Spade
He hired a gunman to do it. He planned his own murder, but that's what.
Effie
Well. Well, why didn't he leave a note or something? He could have ruined us all.
Sam Spade
Come here, sweetheart. Put your little hat on Uncle Sam's shoulder. Why, Sam, that's Just what he wanted you to do. He wanted to ruin you. He let Mary Callahan fleece him out of his interest in the company. He let Nesbitt juggle the books. He let you go your way with Ernie. He let all three of you fix yourselves up with as nice a set of motives for murder as a jury could ask for.
Effie
Oh, he couldn't have.
Sam Spade
The real joker was the check he used to pay off the man he hired to kill him. It bounced. It also proved he'd planned his own murder. But he still has his revenge because the insurance that would have kept the corporation from going broke won't be paid off on account of the self liquidating cause.
Effie
Oh, Sam, darling, what's going to become of us all?
Sam Spade
Well, Callahan and Nesbitt will probably sue each other to death. You might have to go to work and earn a living.
Effie
Well, I have $500. I might invest it in something.
Sam Spade
You already have. Here's my bill.
Effie
But Sam, you didn't help me. What? This is the end.
Sam Spade
No, it isn't, sweetheart. This is the beginning. Come here. Period. End of the end.
Effie
Well, you ask me, you helped her. Now, f. Well, that just goes to show you.
Sam Spade
Show what?
Effie
F. Man's ingratitude to man. What did Mr. Martini have against you?
Sam Spade
Why, nothing, sweetheart. He just needed a smart operator like, well, Johnny Madero was.
Effie
Sam, have you cashed that check Mr. Martini gave you? Well, not yet, I. Sam, any bartender would know better than to take a check from a man who. Who drinks that much.
Sam Spade
F you haven't been paying attention, he didn't drink. He didn't. I was able to establish that later on.
Effie
You haven't been listening, Sam. For all anybody knew, he was a hopeless drunk. He was. Sam. Oh, you're so wonderful and trusting. But I do wish that you'd understand this. He was a hopeless drunk.
Sam Spade
For the last time, Effie, he didn't really drink.
Effie
I'll just type this up, Sam, while you call the bank.
Sam Spade
I'll do that.
Narrator
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Effie
Well, here it is, Sam. I hope it was worth the price of the paper and carbons.
Sam Spade
You made carbon copies of that? An unimportant report like that.
Effie
Oh, it bounced.
Sam Spade
Well, the estate isn't settled yet.
Effie
Oh, Sam, you're so wonderful and trusting.
Sam Spade
Effie, I am not wonderful and trusting. I am a hard boiled private eye.
Effie
I know. Just a pity there's no money in it.
Sam Spade
And I'm also two fisted.
Effie
Sam, have you ever thought of ceramics?
Sam Spade
Of what?
Effie
Ceramics. It takes virtually no capital. All you need is a small furnace and some clay. And if you don't have any talent, you can just make ashtrays.
Sam Spade
Thanks, I already have one.
Effie
Oh, flower pots are fun. You can pot them on a wheel.
Sam Spade
And you can pot your hat on and wheel on out of here. And also take your furnace and clay.
Effie
Oh, I love you when you're so gay and carefree.
Sam Spade
I am not gay and carefree. I am a.
Effie
You are a hard boiled private eye.
Sam Spade
Good night and sue me for your back salary, sweetheart.
Narrator
The adventures of Sam Spade, Dashiell Hammett's famous private detective are produced and directed by William Spear. Sam Spade is played by Howard Duff. Loreen Tuttle is Effie. The adventures of Sam Spade are written for radio by Bob Tolman and gild out with musical direction by Lud Gluster Gildao directed tonight's broadcast in William Spears absence. Join us again next Sunday for another adventure with Sam Spade brought to you by Wild root Cream Oil. Again and again, the choice of men who put good grooming first. This is Dick Joy reminding you to get wild root cream oil, Charlie. It keeps your hair in trim, you see. It's non alcoholic, Charlie. It's made with soothing lanolin. You better get wild root cream oil, Charlie. Start using it today. You'll find that you will have a tough time, Charlie, keeping all the gals away. Hiya, baldy. Get wild root right away. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.
This classic episode of The Adventures of Sam Spade follows the titular private detective as he unravels “The Dry Martini Caper”—a twisty case involving murder, deception, and the illusion of a man’s alcoholism. The mystery deepens around a high-profile corporate executive, Gordon Martini, whose apparent abduction leads to a surprising chain of events, exposing secrets among his wife, his chauffeur, and his business associates. Sam Spade’s investigation reveals that sometimes, the deadliest capers are orchestrated by the victim themselves.
“The Dry Martini Caper” is as dry and complex as its namesake, blending a sharp critique of human motivations with a playful, sardonic wit. The case—beginning as a routine murder—builds into a tragic, carefully planned act of self-destruction, leaving everyone involved permanently changed and Sam Spade both richer in wisdom and poorer in fees. It's classic radio noir at its finest, demonstrating how the truth in Sam Spade’s world is always murkier than it first appears.