The Adventures of Sam Spade: The Terrified Turkey Caper 11/24/1950

Summary

Summary of "The Adventures of Sam Spade: The Terrified Turkey Caper"

Episode Release Date: April 12, 2025
Original Air Date: November 24, 1950
Duration: Approximately 29 minutes and 46 seconds

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Introduction

In this enthralling episode of "The Adventures of Sam Spade", titled "The Terrified Turkey Caper," private detective Sam Spade navigates a convoluted case involving identity fraud, attempted murders, and an insurance scam. Set against the backdrop of a festive Thanksgiving, the story weaves humor and suspense, showcasing Sam's sharp wit and investigative prowess.

The Thanksgiving Office Aftermath

The episode begins with Sam returning to a chaotic office:

Effie: “I was worried to death. This office. Glass all over the floor, holes in the wall.” [00:59]

Sam dismisses the damage as routine business altercations:

Sam Spade: “That was just business going on as usual during altercations.” [01:04]

Despite the mess, Sam is in good spirits and engages in a light-hearted conversation with Effie about Thanksgiving festivities:

Effie: “I was disappointed when you didn't show up.” [01:32]
Sam Spade: “Sure. Where? At the Helping Hand Rescue mission, where there's plenty of free parking and never a cover charge.” [01:41]

An Unusual Gift and a Mysterious Visitor

To atone for his absence, Sam presents Effie with an unexpected gift:

Sam Spade: “And to atone for my social indifferences, here's a little something I brought for you.” [02:18]
Effie: “Oh, Sam, you shouldn't have. It's beautiful. What is it?” [02:34]
Sam Spade: “A blunderbuss. As in step to the rear of. As in step to the rear of.” [02:40]

The blunderbuss, a historical firearm, serves as a quirky yet ominous gift, hinting at the ensuing mystery.

Enter Tom Turkey

A knock on Sam's door brings in Tom Turkey, who claims he is in danger:

Tom Turkey: “My name is Tom Turkey and they're going to kill me for Thanksgiving.” [05:41]

Despite initial skepticism, Sam decides to take on Tom's case, intrigued by the bizarre circumstances surrounding his client.

Investigating Tom Turkey's Background

Sam begins his investigation by verifying Tom's existence at the Old Colony Hotel:

Sam Spade: “I stopped at the library, found an old 1943 phone book and looked. He was listed. Thomas Turkey, it said.” [07:09]

However, complications arise when Tom Turkey is listed as deceased:

Henrietta Black: “Old man Turkey's dead. Been dead for years.” [08:39]

Unperturbed, Sam delves deeper, uncovering that Tom's disappearance coincided with his insurance policy setup.

Confrontations and Deceptions

Sam receives a cryptic phone call from Captain John Smith, a shady private eye warning him about Tom:

Captain John Smith: “You've never traded advice before, Cucho. Why now?” [06:22]

The plot thickens when Captain Smith attacks Sam in his office, but Sam survives the assault:

Sam Spade: “What's going on, Kelsey?” [19:37]
Captain John Smith: “Yeah, serious, Sam, serious.” [19:38]

Sam discovers that the real antagonist is Leander Loose, Henrietta Black's attorney, orchestrating attempted murders to claim insurance.

The Climax: Unmasking the Culprits

The investigation leads Sam to the Helping Hand Mission, where the final confrontation unfolds:

Tom Turkey: “Hello, Mr. Spade.” [24:35]
Sam Spade: “What happened to my apartment? And why did you run away?” [24:37]

A tussle ensues involving Captain Smith, leading to his exposure:

Sam Spade: “It means, Leander Loose, that you're not going to carve Tom Turkey up for your Thanksgiving insurance policy.” [27:05]

Resolution and Revelation

Back at the office, Sam connects the dots, revealing Leander Loose's scheme:

Sam Spade: “You've made an eloquent point. Just tell me one thing, if I can.” [19:00]
Effie: “Oh, and then he collects for Henrietta and keeps the money himself.” [27:41]

Sam ensures Tom's safety and dismantles the insurance fraud, reaffirming his status as the quintessential detective.

Notable Quotes

• Sam Spade: “They tried. Effie just tried to pluck my feathers and cook my goose on Thanksgiving, too.” [01:09]
• Captain John Smith: “Oh, I don't want any of this. One his buttons are loose.” [06:39]
• Tom Turkey: “Hallelujah. Have I got the right place?” [22:45]
• Effie: “Sam, I don't understand.” [27:28]

Character Insights

• Sam Spade: Exhibits classic detective traits—observant, witty, and persistent.
• Tom Turkey: Represents the desperate client seeking Sam's help amidst fabricated threats.
• Leander Loose: The antagonist utilizing insurance fraud as a motive for attempted murder.
• Effie: The reliable secretary, providing continuity and support in Sam's investigative endeavors.

Themes and Motifs

• Deception and Identity: Central to the plot, with multiple characters hiding their true intentions.
• Irony of Thanksgiving: The holiday setting juxtaposes themes of family and unity with criminal greed.
• Moral Ambiguity: Characters navigate ethical gray areas, prompting listeners to question motivations and loyalties.

Conclusion

"The Terrified Turkey Caper" masterfully blends humor with tension, delivering an engaging narrative that highlights Sam Spade's detective acumen. The episode underscores the timeless appeal of mystery and the intricate dance between truth and deception, making it a standout installment in the "Adventures of Sam Spade" series.

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Final Thoughts

For enthusiasts of classic detective stories, this episode offers a delightful mix of suspense, clever dialogue, and intricate plotting. Sam Spade continues to embody the quintessential private eye, navigating complex cases with ease and charm, ensuring listeners remain captivated from start to finish.

Transcript

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[Sam Spade]

Welcome to Choice Classic Radio, where we.

[Narrator]

Bring to you the greatest old time radio shows.

[Sam Spade]

Like us on Facebook.

[Narrator]

Subscribe to us on YouTube and thank you for [e-mail] the National Broadcasting Company presents the Adventures of Sam Spade Detective.

[Effie]

Sam Spade Detective Agency.

[Sam Spade]

I. Sweetheart. Sam.

[Effie]

Oh, I was worried to death. This office. Glass all over the floor, holes in the wall.

[Sam Spade]

That was just business going on as usual during altercations.

[Effie]

F. Well, what was it all about, Sam?

[Sam Spade]

They tried. Effie just tried to pluck my feathers and cook my goose on Thanksgiving, too.

[Effie]

How could they?

[Sam Spade]

Oh, they were a mean lot.

[Effie]

Are you all right?

[Sam Spade]

Hale and hearty. Every giblet in place and not a feather ruffled. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

[Effie]

Oh, it was heavenly. Mama had a turkey dinner. Sage dressing, cranberry sauce, candied yams, hard.

[Sam Spade]

Cider, a little come clean. Effie?

[Effie]

Well, I had two glasses. Everyone was there. Cousin Gertie, Dwight, Mrs. Sloth. I was disappointed when you didn't show up. Sam, did you have Thanksgiving dinner?

[Sam Spade]

Sure. Where? At the Helping Hand Rescue mission, where there's plenty of free parking and never a cover charge. For further details, consult the report, which I will presently be down to dictate on a tasty chronicle of foul play, the terrified turkey caper.

[Narrator]

For NBC. William Spear, Radio's outstanding Producer Director of mystery and crime drama, brings you the greatest private detective of them all in the Adventures of Sam Spade.

[Effie]

Sam.

[Sam Spade]

Hey. Oh, you were waiting for me?

[Effie]

Having Thanksgiving dinner at a rescue mission where Mama cooked a perfectly wonderful.

[Sam Spade]

Thank your mother for me. F. Tell her I'll be over to break wishbones with her tonight. And to atone for my social indifferences, here's a little something I brought for you.

[Effie]

Oh, Sam, you shouldn't have. It's beautiful. What is it?

[Sam Spade]

A blunderbuss.

[Effie]

A blunder what?

[Sam Spade]

Bus. As in step to the rear of.

[Effie]

Oh, well, what does it do?

[Sam Spade]

Shoot Seth, It's a gun. Our founding fathers used it in foraging for feathered food when they settled this abundant continent. And it's mine to do with what you will.

[Effie]

Where did you get it?

[Sam Spade]

Pencil poi.

[Effie]

Yes, Sam. Who gave it to you.

[Sam Spade]

Hat open?

[Effie]

Oh, yes, but I don't know.

[Tom Turkey]

Knees crossed.

[Effie]

Did you meet a founding father?

[Sam Spade]

Don't peek. Date, November 24, 1950. To Detective Lieutenant I.C. kelsey, Homicide. Details, San Francisco police. From Samuel Spade, license number 137596. Subject, Turkey. Dear Kelsey, this was a big week for the cranberry pickers, the butchers, the sagemakers and the stomach pill people. But for private detectives, it was strictly from hunger. My office door opened only twice a day. Once to let me in and once to let me out. And when on Wednesday, I heard a knock on the door, I went into a paroxysm of delight. Come in, come in, come in. Entre vu. Hunter stead Iran. When I ran out of languages, I got up from behind the desk, walked to the door and opened it. Standing there was a small middle aged man with a pink bald head. His blue serge suit needed pressing and he was nervously fingering a strawberry birthmark under his left ear.

[Tom Turkey]

Mr. Samuel Spade?

[Sam Spade]

I am.

[Tom Turkey]

May I. May I have a moment?

[Sam Spade]

You may have several, but not in the corridor. It's not in my lease.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, I'll come in.

[Sam Spade]

Good, good, good.

[Tom Turkey]

Well, you'll have to excuse me, Mr. Spade. I. I've had so few dealings with private detectives, I. I find it hard to begin. Well, I. Oh, perhaps I shouldn't have come at all. Goodbye.

[Sam Spade]

No, no, no, wait a minute. Maybe I can help you.

[Tom Turkey]

Well, you see, I. Oh, what's the use? You won't believe me. Nobody does. I'd really better.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, now, wait, wait. I'll believe you. All I ask is a chance. Now, let's start with your name.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, my name. Yes, yes, yes, my name. To begin with, you won't believe that, but I can verify it. Yes, I can. It's on the registration book of the Old Colony hotel in the 1943 phone book and on my old driver's license.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I'll have to know it before I can verify it.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes, yes, of course you will. It's. It's Tom.

[Sam Spade]

Well, now, that's not so hard to believe.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, you haven't heard the rest of it. It's Tom Turkey. There, you. You see? I told you you wouldn't believe it. I'd better go.

[Sam Spade]

No, now, let me be the first to believe you. Now, Mr. Tom, what's your problem?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, dear, dear, that's even harder to explain.

[Sam Spade]

Well, now that I don't believe, but take a breath and jump into it.

[Tom Turkey]

Breath? Yes. My name is Tom Turkey and they're going to kill me for Thanksgiving.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I had asked for it and I had gotten it. And I sat back wondering who had gone to all the trouble to play this funny joke on me. I was looking at my hand to see if there was any itching powder on it where he'd shaken it when my phone rang. I lifted the receiver, swung around in my swivel and gazed out onto the street. It was Al Kuchel calling, a private eye whose reputation was shadier than a mushroom seller.

[Captain John Smith]

Hi, Spady. Haven't seen much of you lately, Spady. Have to get together.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, well, so long.

[Captain John Smith]

Wait, wait. I'll tell you why I called. I've had a pest and my office keeps coming back.

[Sam Spade]

Thinks he's a turkey.

[Captain John Smith]

Somebody wants to dress. I brushed him, but your name came up and I just wanted to warn you he might be in to see you.

[Sam Spade]

I'm confused, Al. I never knew you to turn your back on a buck.

[Captain John Smith]

Oh, I don't want any of this. One his buttons are loose. My advice to you is to bounce him.

[Sam Spade]

Well, we've never traded advice before, Cucho. Why now?

[Captain John Smith]

Well, after all, we're in the same racket if we can't help each other.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, sure, Al, sure. I appreciate it. Give me a ring.

[Captain John Smith]

We've got to get together sometime.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, when I get a free night, we'll. Jimmy. Parking meters.

[Captain John Smith]

Yeah, we. Oh, yeah. Parking meters. See you later, Speedy.

[Sam Spade]

I turned back to the desk and what I saw in front of me was an empty chair. Tom Turkey had taken wing. I got up and walked to the window. And a minute later I saw him come out of the building downstairs and start to cross the street. And then I saw something else. A large 4 ton truck was tearing down the street, picking up speed. Instinctively, I shouted a warning. And at the last second, Tom Turkey scrambled from in front of the truck and disappeared into the alleyway. A truck roared up the street and on its side was printed in gold letters, Haynes, you drive it. There was nothing to say it wasn't coincidence, this near mishap. But somehow I found myself intrigued and wanting to hear more of the little guy's story. He said the Old Colony Hotel. On the way, I stopped at the library, found an old 1943 phone book and looked. He was listed. Thomas Turkey, it said. Out of curiosity, I rang the number.

[Effie]

Hello.

[Sam Spade]

I wonder if you can help me. I'm inquiring about a Mr. Turkey.

[Henrietta Black]

Turkey? This ain't his number no more.

[Sam Spade]

I know.

[Henrietta Black]

Haven't had any calls for him for years. Screwy name.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[Henrietta Black]

I Knew a woman named Rabbit once. Mrs. Rabbit.

[Sam Spade]

About Turkey. Could you remember what he looked like?

[Henrietta Black]

I don't. Hey, Manny, what Turkey look like? Yeah, yeah. Small man, around 50. Nice fellow.

[Sam Spade]

Manny says Strawberry under his left ear.

[Henrietta Black]

Strawberry under his left ear, Manny? Yeah, yeah, Strawberry under his left ear.

[Sam Spade]

Well, thank you, madam, for your information, and thanks to Manny.

[Henrietta Black]

Well, you're welcome, but I don't know what you're going to do with it. Old man Turkey's dead. Been dead for years.

[Sam Spade]

Curiouser and curiouser, I thought. They had described the man who came to my office 20 minutes ago, and now he'd been dead for years. I continued on to the Old colony Hotel. Room 75 cents, it said. Tom's room was 114. Who is it? Sam Spade.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, come in. Mr. Spade.

[Sam Spade]

I'm.

[Tom Turkey]

I'm sorry I ran away. I didn't think you really believed me.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I'm not sure I do yet. Tell me, was that truck an accident?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, I don't think so. No. They. They made three attempts before to kill me. Somebody tried to push me in front of a train, and then a wheelchair full of cement dropped off a building and just missed me, and then I was shot at.

[Sam Spade]

Who were they, and why would they want to kill you?

[Tom Turkey]

I don't know. I just don't.

[Sam Spade]

No, look, let's tack, tack, tack. I dialed your old phone number, and the people who answered said you're dead.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, a lot of people think I'm dead.

[Leander Loose]

Yeah.

[Sam Spade]

Look, do you still want me to work for you?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, yes. Yes, please.

[Sam Spade]

Well, you'll have to tell me more then. I can't.

[Tom Turkey]

I guess I'd better tell you everything. Oh, it's. It's hard to talk about, Mr. Spade. It's not easy to admit to someone you've been a foolish man. You see, I just turned 50. I was quite tired of the life I'd led. Proper, dull and unfruitful, except in money. My business was wearing, and so was my wife, Henriette.

[Sam Spade]

This has a traditional ring.

[Tom Turkey]

Anyway, to make it short, I decided to run away. One day I drove to work. I parked my car in the middle of the Bay Bridge where the suicide note left it and disappeared.

[Sam Spade]

Where did you go?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, all over the world. I took a job on a boat, I did, on a boat. And then I settled in San Paolo, Brazil, under another name.

[Sam Spade]

Now you're back. Why?

[Tom Turkey]

Maybe I got lonely. Maybe I got wiser. Maybe. Maybe I felt I paid enough for my mistakes. Let's just say I'm back. I want to be With Henrietta.

[Sam Spade]

Have you seen her?

[Tom Turkey]

I checked into this hotel and wrote her a letter saying I wasn't dead. I was back in San Francisco and I wanted to come back to her if she still would have me. But I told her I wouldn't bother her unless she wanted to see me, that she could contact me here. That was a week ago.

[Sam Spade]

And you haven't heard from her?

[Tom Turkey]

No, no. And almost right away, these attempts on my life began.

[Sam Spade]

I see. All right, what's her address?

[Tom Turkey]

3118 Monroe. Oh, she's taken her maiden name again. Black Henrietta Blank.

[Sam Spade]

Come on, let's go.

[Tom Turkey]

No, no. I'm not going to see her until she asks me.

[Sam Spade]

Look, you're going to my apartment. Nobody will bother you there.

[Tom Turkey]

And you're going to see Henrietta.

[Sam Spade]

That's right.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Spade. You. You do believe me? I think I'm really ready to face the world again. Now.

[Sam Spade]

I deposited in my apartment with instructions to open the door for no one but me. And then I proceeded to 3118 Monroe in the High Rent district. I was ushered through a comely portico by a Japanese maid who told me to wait in a study heavy with mahogany. In a moment, two people came in. The woman wore a black dress, silver pendant flat shoes and a complexion the color of apple meat. She was Miss Henrietta Black and or Mrs. Tom Turkey. The man turned out to be Leander Loose, the lady's attorney, business manager and canasta partner.

[Henrietta Black]

You say you have something important to discuss with me, Mr. Spade?

[Sam Spade]

I do.

[Henrietta Black]

I hope you don't mind my asking Mr. Loose to be here.

[Sam Spade]

Not at all. Well, Mrs. Turkey, I just talked to your husband, Tom.

[Leander Loose]

Mr. Spade, if you please, I say something.

[Henrietta Black]

A rather feeble attempt at comedy, Mr. Spade.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I wasn't trying for laughs. You are Mrs. Turkey, aren't you?

[Henrietta Black]

I was.

[Sam Spade]

You undoubtedly still are.

[Henrietta Black]

I've expected to hear another one of these cruel jokes about my name at Thanksgiving time.

[Leander Loose]

Mr. Spade, someone was always going to stuff Tom, baste him, dress him, slice him.

[Sam Spade]

This season they're going to kill him.

[Henrietta Black]

They are not going to kill him. He is already dead.

[Sam Spade]

He's not dead, Mrs. Turkey, and you should know it.

[Henrietta Black]

I should?

[Sam Spade]

Yes. He sent you a letter saying he was back in San Francisco and wanted to see you.

[Leander Loose]

Mr. Spade, this has gone absolutely far enough.

[Sam Spade]

Not quite. What about the letter?

[Henrietta Black]

I know of no such letter.

[Sam Spade]

I see. Well, thank you for your time.

[Leander Loose]

I'm sorry I bothered you. You used bad judgment in coming in the first place.

[Sam Spade]

Yes, maybe you're right. There was falsehood in this someplace, Lieutenant, and it stuck out like a fat girl in slacks. The only thing to do was to go back to my apartment, get Tom turkey and confront Mrs. With her husband in the flesh. When I got back to my apartment building, I spotted in rapid succession one, an ambulance, two, a police car. And upstairs, outside my half open apartment door, I spotted three. You.

[Captain John Smith]

I've been expecting you.

[Sam Spade]

What's going on, Kelsey?

[Captain John Smith]

Yeah, serious, Sam, serious.

[Sam Spade]

Who's that bald headed man moving around the apartment?

[Captain John Smith]

That's McCracken, the new medical examiner checking us stiff on your rug.

[Sam Spade]

I stepped around you, Lieutenant, and pushed the door all the way open. I saw McCracken kneeling over the body and a couple of men from homicide taking photos. I moved into the room feeling nothing good. A little guy had given me a job. And while I was yakking with his wife, somebody got to him. And in my apartment where I'd stashed him, McCracken stood up and I looked down at the body. Then I looked again. Who I saw wasn't Tom Turkey at all. It was the late private eye, Al Kuchel.

[Narrator]

You are listening to the weekly adventure of Ray Radio's most famous detective, Sam Spade.

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[Sam Spade]

You.

[Narrator]

Friday fans of Sam Spade. There's mystery on Saturday evening too. On NBC tomorrow, the man called X sets out on another mission of danger and intrigue in some far off corner of the earth. Herbert Marshall stars as the man called X. A man without a name who travels the world over protecting his country's interests. He lives by his wits and his business is danger. He is the man called X. Tomorrow over most NBC stations for top Sunday listening, it's another broadcast of the big show on NBC this Sunday. Your stars include Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Mindy Carson, Ed Archie Gardner, Ed Wynn and many, many more. And Tallulah is your MC as usual. This Sunday it's the big show on NBC. And now back to the terrified turkey caper. Tonight's adventure with Sam Spade.

[Sam Spade]

While the men from Homicide were taking pictures. Etc, you and I Lieutenant were going round and round on the question if I didn't kill the man found in my room, who did? And you were sufficiently impressed with my insults, Kelsey, not to hold me for the murder. We bowed to each other and I left. Thinking back to the truck that had almost run Turkey down. I went to the Haines U Drive Truck Rental Garage.

[Leander Loose]

Yeah, what do you. I mean, what do you want?

[Sam Spade]

I'm a detective. Could you give me a list of names for everybody who rented a truck from you during the past few days?

[Leander Loose]

Sure.

[Sam Spade]

He handed me a big registration book and I read every name for the past week. For the first five days they all seemed to be nice, normal, abnormal names. And then under the rentals for the day before was the name of John Smith. John had given his address as 7200 Kearney. And I happen to know that Kearney only goes up to twenty hundred. The dispatcher said that Smith had returned the truck about three hours before and he remembered him as an ugly, heavy set and rough voiced character who looked like an ex longshoreman. They had already washed the truck so the fingerprints were all loused up.

[Leander Loose]

It's Mr. Spade again.

[Sam Spade]

Look, I'd like to speak with Mrs. Turk, Ms. Black, if you don't mind.

[Leander Loose]

Come in, come in.

[Sam Spade]

Thank you.

[Leander Loose]

This way. Into the den.

[Sam Spade]

Right.

[Leander Loose]

Well, I was sure you'd look into this affair a little more and realize that it was just a blind alley, a hoax of some kind.

[Sam Spade]

Where's Ms. Black?

[Leander Loose]

Oh, she's upstairs lying down. The whole affair has upset her and she asked not to be disturbed. I think the wisest course of action for you, Mr. Spade, is just to let the matter drop.

[Sam Spade]

You can't let a murder Just drop, Mr. Loose. The police wouldn't hear of it, huh?

[Captain John Smith]

Murder? Who?

[Sam Spade]

An unfrocked private detective named Al Kucho.

[Leander Loose]

Well, what does this have to do with Henrietta Black?

[Sam Spade]

Al Kucho called me earlier today and said that Tom Turkey was a crack. A little man with delusions. He tried to top me off taking his case.

[Leander Loose]

He sounds like a perceiving man.

[Sam Spade]

Well, he didn't perceive ending up in my apartment with a bullet in his head.

[Leander Loose]

That's too bad.

[Sam Spade]

But I still, I left Tom Turkey in my apartment for safekeeping and when I returned he was gone and Coochil was dead.

[Leander Loose]

Well, that explains itself. Obviously this detective knew that Tom Turkey was a phony and Turkey killed him.

[Sam Spade]

It can figure that way and a number of other ways.

[Leander Loose]

Mr. Spade, I have no desire to sit here trading subtleties with you as yet. No one has demonstrated that the real Tom Turkey actually exists alive. Now, until you do have something more concrete and less mythological, Ms. Black requests that you do not come around opening up old wounds.

[Sam Spade]

You've made an eloquent point. Just tell me one thing, if I can. When did Tom Turkey disappear? I mean, what month?

[Leander Loose]

What day it was. Oh, yes, 1943. November. But I'm not sure of the exact day. I think it was in the third week.

[Sam Spade]

Could it have been on Thanksgiving?

[Leander Loose]

Very possibly, very possibly.

[Sam Spade]

I returned thoughtfully to my office and did a little rapid mental arithmetic and came up with a number seven. From November 23, 1943 to November 23, 1950 was seven years to the day. And I put pondered this. What did the number seven mean to the life or death of Tom Turkey? I had just hit upon the answer and was crying Eureka. When my office door opened unknocked and a visitor came in unannounced. He was ugly, heavyset and looked like an ex longshoreman. I waited to see if the voice checked.

[Captain John Smith]

You, Spade.

[Sam Spade]

Who shall I say is calling?

[Leander Loose]

Yeah.

[Captain John Smith]

Captain John Smith. And here's my calling card.

[Narrator]

The first.

[Sam Spade]

The first bullet grazed my shoulder and tore the padding out of my coat. The second bullet hit the water cooler and it crashed over water and all on top of me. Where the third bullet hit I wasn't sure at the time because darkness came rushing through my head like a freight train when I opened my eyes again. Again I expected to see St. Peter checking my ID card. But all I saw were the dust balls under my desk and a fly bathing himself in a pool of water spreading slowly over the floor. There was blood on my hand, but it came from a glass cut. I was in shambles, but alive. Captain John Smith had shoved off, obviously thinking his bullets had done their work.

[Captain John Smith]

Homicide. Lieutenant Kelsey.

[Sam Spade]

Sam Kelsey. Have you found anything more about Ton Turkey?

[Captain John Smith]

Nothing, Sam. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if there is such a guy.

[Sam Spade]

Well, clever Kelsey. A few minutes ago, a gorilla by the name, believe it or not, of Captain John Smith just tried to kill me in my office.

[Captain John Smith]

Oh, go on, Sam. I find it hard to think of you.

[Sam Spade]

You find it hard to think, period.

[Captain John Smith]

Really, Sam, did you get him?

[Sam Spade]

No, but my office is a wreck and there's a hole blasted in my wall big enough to put a basketball in.

[Captain John Smith]

What did he use, a bazooka?

[Sam Spade]

I figured. Dum dum bullets.

[Captain John Smith]

Dum dum. That's illegal, ain't it?

[Sam Spade]

Kelsey? Doesn't it strike you as significant that every attempt on Turkey's life has been vicious, as if someone not only wanted to kill him, but also mutilate him.

[Captain John Smith]

Yeah, yeah, now that you mention it. Somebody probably wanted to make identification difficult.

[Sam Spade]

Even dead, they didn't want anybody to know who he was. Now, listen carefully, Kelsey. This is real deep. Tom Turkey disappeared on Thanksgiving of 1943. A person has to be missing seven years before he can be legally dead and his insurance collected. Now, if someone had turkey insured, they could collect the day after this Thanksgiving. If Turkey didn't show up before.

[Captain John Smith]

You mean somebody's trying to kill him for the insurance?

[Sam Spade]

I would say so, Kelsey. I would say so. Now hurry up and find him. When I put down the phone, I heard a heavy pounding. For a minute I thought it was in my head until I turned to face the door, and standing there was a small pilgrim with bandy legs in black stockings, pantaloons, white collared coat and stove pipe hat.

[Tom Turkey]

Hallelujah.

[Sam Spade]

He wore silver buckles. And what he was pounding on the floor was an 18th century blunderbuss.

[Captain John Smith]

Hallelujah. Have I got the right place?

[Sam Spade]

Well, offhand I'd say so. If you're looking for Captain John Smith, he just left. Pocahontas is expected any minute.

[Captain John Smith]

Now, don't you go trying to confuse me. I'm too thirsty.

[Sam Spade]

What's on your mind?

[Captain John Smith]

Well, I'm. I'm. I'm looking for a fella named Dan. Oh, I'm so thirsty, I forgot Sam Spade. That's it. That's it.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes.

[Sam Spade]

Oh.

[Captain John Smith]

Oh, you broke your water bottle, huh?

[Sam Spade]

Yeah.

[Captain John Smith]

Good, good. That stuff's poison anyway.

[Tom Turkey]

Hallelujah.

[Captain John Smith]

Hallelujah. Hey, say, do you happen to have any hard cider around?

[Sam Spade]

Fresh out.

[Captain John Smith]

Oh, I'm kind of thirsty. You know, any type of corn squeezings.

[Sam Spade]

Here, try this, dad. Good, huh? You like that, huh? Oh, follow me.

[Captain John Smith]

But before we go, do you suppose we could have a little supper for the road? It's bitter cold.

[Sam Spade]

I gave him a little, but not too much because I didn't want him to lose his way. He walked me right down Market street so he could look in the liquor store windows. He said it gave him a comfortable feeling to know there was so much good in the world. And then we turned right a few blocks until we came to the Helping Hand Mission. Across its gray front, a banner promised special holiday food and comfort to the unfortunate. And on the street in front of it, there was a brass band sending out signals to the fraternity that any minute the great feast of thanksgiving would begin. The band members and other volunteer workers were all dressed as pilgrims. A quaint conceit. My pilgrim led me to a dark corner of the club room, and sitting there unhappily, was none other than Tom Turkey.

[Tom Turkey]

Hello, Mr. Spade.

[Sam Spade]

Hello, Tom. What happened to my apartment? And why did you run away?

[Tom Turkey]

I was afraid. You told me not to answer the door until you came back. Well, somebody knocked on the door and said it was you. So I opened it and two men came.

[Sam Spade]

Tell me, was one of the male cuchu.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes, the detective. The other man was a big, ugly looking fellow. And when they saw I was alone, they started arguing.

[Sam Spade]

About what?

[Tom Turkey]

Well, the detective said that now that he brought the ugly man there, he wanted his money. The ugly man pulled a gun and they started to fight. Oh, dear. I. I slipped out the door, and when I was halfway downstairs, I heard a shot and kept on running.

[Sam Spade]

Well, Al Kuchel is dead.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, my. I thought so. This was the only place I could think of to hide. Oh, when Henrietta finds out I've been mixed up in a murder, she'll never take me back.

[Sam Spade]

Henrietta. Hey, tell me, did your wife ever have any insurance on you?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, before I ran away, she did a $50,000 policy, but, oh, that would have lapsed by now.

[Sam Spade]

Maybe. Maybe. Did it have a suicide clause in it?

[Tom Turkey]

Suicide? Yes. Well, no. No, it didn't. I remember.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah. Yeah. You'd like to talk to Henrietta, wouldn't you? All right. Here's your phone number. Call her up and tell her where you are.

[Tom Turkey]

Dear, I. I don't think I could. I'm too frightened.

[Sam Spade]

You've got to do something to help yourself. If you don't by midnight, you might be a cold turkey. I'm sorry.

[Leander Loose]

Just slipped out.

[Tom Turkey]

All right, I'll do it.

[Sam Spade]

Well, he went and made the call. When he returned, he said that a man had answered who said Henrietta would come down and pick Tom up. He didn't want to wait, but I sat on him. The pilgrim brought us a dish of turkey dinner, saying he couldn't stand food himself, and we munched a spell. In a little while, a limousine pulled up in front of the mission with someone in back whom I couldn't see. A chauffeur stepped out and came in inquiring for Tom Turkey. It was Captain John Smith himself. When he saw me, a look of shocked surprise came over his unhandsome face. Hoping to catch him off balance, I dove at him. It was the liveliest thing that has happened at the Helping Hand Mission in years. And we have a good house, too. Money was even changing hands. When I heard the odds starting to go against me, I realized I better come up with something.

[Captain John Smith]

Here, use this, partner.

[Sam Spade]

And I did. The bandy leg pilgrim shoved his blunderbuss right in my hand and I swung. Smith dropped like pheasant on the wing. I looked up. The passenger from the limousine was just coming in here.

[Leander Loose]

What's the meaning of this?

[Sam Spade]

It means, leander loose that you're not going to carve Tom Turkey up for your Thanksgiving insurance policy.

[Tom Turkey]

Hallelujah.

[Captain John Smith]

Drumstick, anyone?

[Sam Spade]

Period. End of report.

[Effie]

Sam, I don't understand.

[Sam Spade]

Well, it's as plain as the cranberry stain on your dress. S loose as Henrietta's business manager had her power of attorney and secretly he kept making the payments on Tom Turkey's insurance policy.

[Effie]

Oh, and then he collect for Henrietta and keep the money himself.

[Sam Spade]

Effie, sometimes your lightning mind frightens me. Now go type that up.

[Narrator]

Three chimes mean good times on NBC. There's fun and laughs with the chimes later tonight when Ed Gardner stars in Duffy's Tavern. As usual, Duffy won't be there, but Archie the manager will definitely be on hand to serve his blue plate special of grilled English language. This Sunday, the big show comes your way again. Tallulah will be your hostess and the stars include Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Ed Wynn, Meredith Wilson and many, many more. It's the big show Sunday on N.

[Sam Spade]

Here it is.

[Effie]

The man who killed Alcucho and tried to kill you, was his name really Captain John Smith?

[Sam Spade]

Now, whiffy. Could we have a Thanksgiving caper without a Captain John Smith? It wouldn't be right.

[Effie]

It was a coincidence, wasn't it?

[Sam Spade]

Well, if you promise not to tell any, I won't. His real name was Michael Giuseppe Yablonsky Smith. I called him John Preston. Sure.

[Effie]

You're so kind.

[Sam Spade]

Are we going over to your mother's for cold turkey snacks?

[Effie]

Well, all right, but I don't think there'll be much left.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh.

[Effie]

You see, my cousin Gertie couldn't find a little boy and mother phoned and said they just found him. He was inside the turkey eating his way out.

[Sam Spade]

Effie, is there no way to curb that tongue of yours?

[Effie]

There's one way.

[Sam Spade]

Well, come here.

[Effie]

Oh. Good night, Sam.

[Sam Spade]

Good night, sweetheart.

[Narrator]

The adventures of Sam Spade are produced, edited and directed by William Spear. Sam Spade was played by Stephen Dunn. Laureen Tuttle is Effie. Script for tonight's adventure by Larry Roman and John Michael Hayes. Musical scoring by Lud Gluskin conducted by Robert Armbruster. Join us again next week, Same time for another adventure with Sam Spade Montague. Then visit Duffy's Tavern on NBC.