Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:01]
A
Hi, I'm Dr. Stan Steindl and welcome back to Compassion in a T Shirt, where we explore how compassion changes everything. Have you ever noticed that the safest moments in life are not necessarily the quietest ones? Sometimes the moments we feel most safe are the moments we feel most alive. Today I want to explore something that sits right at the heart of compassion focused therapy. But that I think is sometimes misunderstood. And that is the idea of the soothing affiliative system. Recently, Professor Paul Gilbert wrote something that really struck me. He said that compassion is not just about soothing and that affectionate and affiliative relationships certainly soothe the threat and drive systems, but they also activate the dopamine, endorphin, oxygen, oxytocin circuits, creating openness to experience, social exploration, mutual play and so on. I loved that because sometimes the soothing system gets reduced to this idea of simply calming down. Like compassion is basically just relaxation, a kind of psychological cup of tea and a lie down. But I think compassion is much more alive than that, much more relational than that, much more energized than that. In compassion focused therapy, we often talk about the three systems model. We have the threat system, designed to detect danger and protect us. Anxiety, anger, shame, disgust. These emotions live there. Then we have the drive system, which helps us pursue goals, achieve things, strive, compete, acquire resources and move forward in life. And then we talk about the soothing system. Traditionally, we've sometimes linked this to rest and digest. And that makes sense to a degree. Compassion can slow us down. It can help regulate stress, it can help the body settle. But if we only think of it as a down regulation system, I think we miss something essential. Because affiliative emotions don't just calm us, they also open us up. Think about what happens when you're with somebody you deeply trust. Maybe a loving partner, a close friend, a safe therapist, a grandparent, or even a beloved pet. Yes, there may be calmness there, but there's also warmth, humour, curiosity, spontaneity and energy. You don't simply become less distressed, you become more yourself, more open to life, more playful, more engaged. Dr. Elaine Beaumont said something in our recent conversation on compassion in a T shirt that really stayed with me, that compassion can help people feel less alone with themselves. I think that captures the affiliative system beautifully. Compassion doesn't simply calm distress, it changes the emotional atmosphere we live within. It creates a sense of warmth, companionship and shared humanity, both with others and within ourselves. And this is where I think the word affiliative becomes so important. Compassion is not merely about reducing suffering. It's about creating the conditions in which human beings can flourish. We evolved as profoundly social creatures. Our nervous systems regulate each other constantly. Warmth, affection, safeness, touch, kindness, encouragement. These things don't simply switch threat off. They activate systems linked to bonding, exploration and vitality. In my interview with Dr. Chris Irons on T shirt, Chris spoke beautifully about how compassion is not just about getting rid of difficult emotions, but about changing the relationship we have with them. And I think that's such an important distinction. Compassion is not sedation. Compassion is courageous engagement. It's the ability to stay present, connected and supportive in the midst of difficulty. That changes everything, doesn't it? Because suddenly compassion isn't about escaping difficult emotions, it's about learning how to stay alongside ourselves within them. I sometimes think we misunderstand what the opposite of threat really is. We think the opposite of threat is relaxation. But perhaps the opposite of threat is safeness. And safeness is not simply the absence of danger. Safeness is the presence of connection. You can be lying alone on a tropical beach, feeling relaxed, but still lonely and emotionally guarded. And you can be sitting around a dinner table with people you love, laughing loudly, animated, full of energy, and feel profoundly safe. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, famously said that all of us, from the cradle to the grave, are happiest when life is organised as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figures. I think that's deeply relevant here. Human beings are built to explore, create, learn, connect and venture out into the world. But we do that best when we feel securely connected. Safeness is not the end point of life. Safeness is the foundation from which life unfolds. That's why the soothing affiliative system isn't passive. It's not just shutting things down. Perhaps the soothing affiliative system is a little like the floor of a rainforest warm, protected, alive, creating the conditions in which growth naturally unfolds. And underneath all of this lies something important about how human beings actually work. Compassion focused therapy has always been a biopsychosocial model, which means we don't reduce human experience to one process or explanation. Not just thoughts, not just trauma, not just neurotransmitters, not just the vagus nerve. It's the interaction between body, brain, relationships, social environments, memories, hormones, immune systems and patterns of relating. We are these deeply interconnected systems, constantly influencing each other. I sometimes think of it less like a machine and more like a flock of birds in motion. Each bird is moving individually, but somehow the whole flock shifts together in patterns, flowing, adapting, reorganizing, moment by moment. Human beings are like that too. Emotion, physiology, relationships, attention, memory, motivation. They're all influencing one another continuously. And compassion may be one of the processes that helps the whole system reorganize towards greater balance and integration. This is also why compassion work can be difficult for some people. If somebody has grown up without consistent experiences of safeness and security, perhaps there was criticism, neglect, hostility, unpredictability, or shame. Then closeness itself can feel threatening. Slowing down can feel dangerous. Warmth can feel unfamiliar. Sometimes when people first begin compassion practices, they feel emotional, exposed, vulnerable, or even frightened. And that makes complete sense because their nervous system may not have learned that affiliation is safe. When Dr. Charlie Heriot Maitland joined me on T shirt, he described many difficult psychological patterns as controlled explosions, protective strategies, trying to stop an even bigger hurt. And I think that's such a compassionate way of understanding ourselves. The mind is often organizing around protection, not pathology. Which means compassion work isn't about fighting ourselves. It's about helping the system discover that safeness is possible. So compassion work is often slow, gentlemen. Gradual. We're not just teaching relaxation techniques. We're helping people discover what safeness feels like in the body and mind. We're helping people experience a different way of relating to themselves and others. And perhaps this also explains why compassion can sometimes feel profound or even transformative. When threat softens, people often describe feeling more connected, more open, more aware of others, and less trapped inside. Self criticism and insecurity. Striving. Threat narrows us. Safeness broadens us. Threat pulls us into self protection. Safeness allows us to reconnect with life. So maybe compassion is not simply about calming ourselves down. Maybe compassion is about reorganizing the mind and body around safeness, courage, connection and care. Not weak, not passive, not merely soothing, but warm, alive, engaged and deeply human. Perhaps that's what compassion really offers us. Not escape from life, but a safer way to enter it. Thanks for joining me on Compassion in a T shirt. Please subscribe, leave a comment or share this video with somebody who might find it helpful. And until next time, take care.