CrimeLess – BONUS: The World's Most Dangerous Monkeys

Podcast: CrimeLess
Hosts: Rory Scovel, Josh Dean
Date: January 24, 2026
Episode Type: Bonus Mini-Episode

Overview

This bonus episode of CrimeLess is a comedic, fast-paced rundown of the “world’s most dangerous monkeys,” inspired by the hosts’ amusement and curiosity during previous monkey-related segments. Comedian Rory Scovel leads with a tongue-in-cheek countdown, joined by producer Lane Rose and co-host/journalist Josh Dean, blending genuine animal facts with irreverent banter. The trio rate 11 monkey species for their “danger,” focusing just as much on their wild looks and outlandish behaviors as on actual threats to humans. The tone is rowdy, light-hearted, and educational (sort of).

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introduction: Why a Top 11 List?

• Rory explains the episode is bonus content, “an utterly subjective list of the world’s 11 most dangerous types of monkeys” – mainly because they found monkeys too funny not to revisit ([02:37]).
• They acknowledge the visual limitations for listeners and plug their Instagram (@crimelesspod) for accompanying monkey images.

Quote:

“So here. Drumroll please. Is an utterly subjective list of the world’s 11 most dangerous types of monkeys. You have been warned. Head on a swivel. Stay frosty out there, people.” – Rory Scovel ([02:50])

The List: World’s 11 Most Dangerous Monkeys

11. Bald Uacari

• Description: “Vulnerable species native to the Amazon jungles of Peru and western Brazil.”
• Why Dangerous: Basically just shockingly ugly; its bright red, hairless face startles people.
• Lane: “Its superpower is being ugly, huh?” ([05:29])
• Josh: “It looks like a burn victim.” ([05:51])
• Insight: Actually docile; not a true danger, but an appearance-based “danger.”

10. Japanese Macaque (Snow Monkey)

• Behavior: Famous for hot springs, but occasionally attacks humans when provoked or crowded; Yamaguchi city suffered a “troop” rampage in 2022, including home invasions and attempted baby-snatching ([06:27]).
• Lane: “You encroached on their land. This is warfare, right? They just want to live in the hot springs.” ([07:15])
• Insight: Human encroachment leads to monkey violence.

9. Capuchin Monkey

• Behavior: Known for being smart and mischievous; pet ones often bite or scratch owners after sexual maturity ([07:41]).
• Rory: “Not strong enough to tear the skin away from your face. Its teeth and bite are sharp and powerful enough to take off a finger.” ([08:37])
• Lane: “I’m willing to lose a finger if I get to keep all my epidermis.” ([08:44])
• Theme: Many monkeys only become dangerous when humans try to domesticate them.

8. Spider Monkey

• Behavior: Generally kind in the wild; kept as pets, can become extremely violent, even attempting to choke handlers ([08:52]).
• Lane: “Even those (stuffed animals with Velcro arms) can become violent.” ([09:30])

7. Rhesus Macaque

• Behavior: Aggressive when cornered, invasive in Florida, and known carriers of a fatal strain of herpes ([10:02]).
• Josh: “Checks out.” ([10:02])
• Lane: “All right.” ([10:05])
• Insight: Disease transmission puts humans at risk.

6. Howler Monkey

• Behavior: Not physically aggressive, but extremely loud; can spread zoonotic malaria through indirect contact, mostly affecting “middle aged men who enjoyed spending time wandering in the forest.” ([10:41])
• Rory: “Probably most diseases that came from the wild were initially spread by some middle aged white man who wandered into the forest.” ([10:59])

5. Gelada

• Description: “Very cool looking monkey,” huge fangs despite a vegetarian diet ([11:16]).
• Lane: “Ugh, what a great name.” ([11:32])
• Josh: “They look kind of gelada. Chesty.” ([11:34])
• Rory: “Cool as hell, right?” ([11:41])
• Insight: Formidable appearance, gentle habits.

4. Crab-Eating Macaque

• Behavior: Petty thieves, use stolen items to ransom food, can get violent if not appeased; another invasive, herpes-carrying species in Florida ([12:06]).
• Lane: “The macaque does not appreciate a seafood medley. It specifically wants crab.” ([12:36])
• Group jokes about the suspicious frequency of Florida’s herpes-monkey invasions.

3. Baboons

• Behavior: “Potential” to kill humans, though no confirmed cases; do attack crops and sometimes eat sheep ([13:13]).
• Lane: “We’ve all got sheep skeletons in the closet, okay?” ([13:29])
• Insight: High potential for aggression, but focus is on livestock predation.

2. Mandrill

• Behavior: Largest monkeys; up to 120 pounds, live in groups up to a thousand. “Certainly capable of taking on a fully grown human and tearing them to shreds” if provoked ([13:57]).
• Josh: “I think this is Rafiki from Lion King.” ([13:53])
• Rory: “Imagine a thousand 120 pound ripped monkeys.” ([14:53])
• Lane: “These obviously were the monkeys where they were trying out the makeup.” ([14:28])
• Memorable: The highest fury/size combo.

1. Slow Loris

• Danger: The “only venomous primate,” so cute it’s deceptive, but its bite can “rot and melt flesh away,” cause anaphylactic shock, and pierce bone ([15:38]).
• Lane: “That’s the equivalent of finding out about flying spiders. Venomous monkeys.” ([15:16])
• Rory: “What an incredible like, nature made them so cute and so deadly.” ([16:09])
• Lane: “It looks like a Mogwai from Gremlins.” ([15:57])
• Insight: Danger hiding in plain sight.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Bald Uacari:

  “Its superpower is being ugly, huh?” – Lane Rose ([05:29])

• On domesticated monkey misbehavior:

  “They’re like, I’m ready to meet some lady monkeys or boy monkeys. And they’re like, no, sorry, you’re going to be my pet and live in this cage.” – Rory Scovel ([08:11])

• On monkey disease vectors:

  “I feel like probably most diseases that came from the wild were initially spread by some middle aged white man who wandered into the forest.” – Rory Scovel ([10:59])

• On mandrill threats:

  “Imagine 1,120 pound ripped monkeys.” – Rory Scovel ([14:53])

• On the slow loris:

  “That’s a venomous monkey!” – Lane Rose ([15:31])
  “The bite from a slow loris is powerful enough to rot and melt flesh away. Can also lead to anaphylactic shock. If not treated immediately, the bite is strong enough to pierce through bone.” – Rory Scovel ([15:38])

• On deceptive cuteness:

  “What an incredible like, nature made them so cute and so deadly.” – Rory Scovel ([16:09]) “It looks like a Mogwai from Gremlins.” – Lane Rose ([15:57])

Recurring Themes & Running Gags

• Many of these monkeys only become dangerous through human folly—domestication or habitat encroachment.
• The contrast between monkey appearance and disposition (ugly but harmless/uacari; cute but deadly/slow loris).
• Jokes about Florida as a nexus of invasive herpes-carrying monkeys.
• Several humorous asides about monkeys’ supposed “gangs” versus “troops” and their love of hot springs.
• Mandrills’ makeup as a failed “new release.”

Episode Timestamps for Key Segments

• Episode Intro & Instagram Reference: [02:37–03:57]
• #11: Bald Uacari: [04:27–05:54]
• #10: Japanese Macaque: [06:13–07:31]
• #9: Capuchin Monkey: [07:31–08:52]
• #8: Spider Monkey: [08:52–09:36]
• #7: Rhesus Macaque: [09:36–10:16]
• #6: Howler Monkey: [10:16–11:16]
• #5: Gelada: [11:16–12:06]
• #4: Crab-Eating Macaque: [12:06–12:55]
• #3: Baboons: [13:06–13:49]
• #2: Mandrills: [13:49–14:53]
• #1: Slow Loris: [14:53–16:21]

Final Thoughts

A hilarious, breezy mini-episode, “The World’s Most Dangerous Monkeys” fuses real zoological facts with the CrimeLess team’s signature irreverence. Listeners get a surprisingly informative overview of primate dangers, from viral transmission to violent behavior—always with jokes about ugly faces, Florida’s monkeys, and the perils of monkey domestication.

Quote:

“What an incredible like, nature made them so cute and so deadly.” – Rory Scovel ([16:09])

Tip: For the full (visual) effect of the “monkey butts,” check out @crimelesspod on Instagram.

For more weird true crime—and possibly even weirder animal lists—Crimeless Nation awaits you next week.