CrimeLess – “Could your pet murder you?”

Podcast: CrimeLess (iHeartPodcasts + Smartless Media)
Hosts: Rory Scovel & Josh Dean
Date: March 18, 2026

Brief Overview

In this episode of CrimeLess, comedians Rory Scovel and journalist Josh Dean take on an outlandish question: Could your pet murder you? The hosts hilariously—but also insightfully—dive into real-world incidents where pets (mainly dogs, cats, and even goldfish) have unwittingly or perhaps intentionally caused mayhem, injury, or financial loss. They debate which animal would make the best “Crimeless Mascot” and unpack, with signature irreverence, just how dangerous (or dumb) our beloved furry, scaly, or feathered friends might really be.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pet-Related Crimes: Myth vs. Reality

Dogs with Guns:

• “I think we should adopt a pet together.” (05:22) – Kicking off, hosts joke about adopting a pet as a podcast mascot and quickly segue to dog-related accidents involving firearms.
• Real-life cases: Dogs, often by bumbling into loaded weapons, occasionally shoot their owners in freak accidents.
  • Trigger the Chocolate Lab: Stepped on a shotgun and shot his owner in the foot during a hunting trip. (06:27)
  • Oreo the Pit Bull: Jumped on a bed with a loaded gun present; paw caught on trigger, grazing the owner’s thigh. (08:42)
  • Charlie the Rottweiler Mix: Shot his owner in the back by stepping on a loaded rifle in the backseat. (09:21)

Insight:

• All agree these are human errors (“gun problem, not a dog problem”), but America is exceptional even in “dog shoots man” stats with 23 cases since 2014. (11:05, 11:37)

2. Cats: Accidental Arsonists & Psychopaths

A Cat with a Gun:

• Cats are equal-opportunity troublemakers. One in Michigan knocked a 9mm off the counter, hitting its owner when it discharged. (13:04)

Intentional Mayhem:

• Citing a study in the Journal of Research and Personality (2021): “All cats are psychopaths.” (13:54)
  • Traits include tormenting prey, being undeterred by punishment, making noise for no reason.
  • “[My cat] refuses to kill the mouse, throws it around, up in the air, smacks it around, and then gets very sad when it ultimately dies of its injuries.” – Josh Dean (14:08)

Arson:

• In Seoul, South Korea, cats caused over 100 house fires in 3 years—often by messing with stove knobs or electronics. (15:13)
  • “New fear unlocked. Thank you, Josh.” — Rory Scovel (15:22)

3. Small Pets: Guinea Pigs, Hamsters, Ferrets, Goldfish

Guinea Pigs & Hamsters:

• Guinea pigs are safe—in Peru, less so, as they're considered food. (20:27)
• Hamsters: “Hamsters are known to eat their own babies.” (22:09)

Ferrets:

• Ferrets are illegal as pets in some places (CA, PR, HI, NYC). They pose a threat to wildlife, being only semi-domesticated. (23:16)
• Difference between ferrets and weasels explained by Lane: “A ferret is a domesticated European polecat, while weasels are wild animals belonging to the same Mustela genus.” (24:08)

Goldfish (and Credit Card Fraud!):

• Goldfish seem harmless but not only “cause brief happiness at fairs” (25:09), they accidentally committed credit card fraud.
• Story of YouTuber Mutakimaru/Maurice’s Fish:
  • Fish-controlled video game stream leads to accidental purchases and revealed credit card info. (27:11)
  • “The fish swam over to the device’s eShop, added 500 yen, a little under 4 bucks, and in the process exposed his owner's credit card information to the whole livestream.” — Josh Dean (27:29)
  • “We have a fish denier amongst us.” — Rory Scovel (28:24)

4. Birds: The Ultimate Accomplices?

Parrot Intelligence & Complications:

• Parrots: Intelligent (“eternal toddlers”), live up to 70 years, can learn hundreds of words—and can literally masturbate and have foot fetishes (per Reddit). (31:14, 31:56)
• “Some compare [their intelligence] to that of a four year old, which... that’s not that impressive, honestly.” – Josh Dean (32:11)

Criminal Parrots in Action:

• Brazilian Parrot: Warned owners of police: “Mum, the police!”—and then “kept quiet” in custody. (33:32, 34:16)
  • “He’s a parrot, not a rat!” — Reddit (34:32)
• Mango the English Parrot: Repeats drug prices (“2 for 25”), handles drug cash in videos leading to drug busts. (35:05)

Parrots as Mascots?

• Swearing parrots (notably President Andrew Jackson’s African grey) noted as a plus.
• But squawking is a dealbreaker for Rory: “That squawking I just can’t deal with. I just can’t do it.” (36:20)

5. Special Q&A: Meet Shamrock the Parrot

Live Parrot Guest:

• Lane introduces her neighbor’s Amazon parrot, Shamrock—with volunteer Andrew from a bird rescue group.
  • “Our first guest. And this is where it ends.” – Rory Scovel (44:01)
  • “If you adopt Shamrock, Rory, … your child will be inheriting that bird.” – Josh Dean (44:33)
• Shamrock: The embodiment of parrot vibrance and longevity (26 years old with 54 years to go, possibly outliving the hosts).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On dogs with access to guns:
  “All I've ever learned…is wherever a dog would potentially be walking, that's where you want to keep your gun.” — Rory Scovel (06:39)

• Pet homicide stats:
  “Since 2014, 23 people in the United States have been shot by dogs…” — Josh Dean (11:05)
  “Honestly, Michael Jordan's number. That's pretty cool.” — Rory Scovel (12:01)

• On cats as psychopaths:
  “All cats are psychopaths.” — Josh Dean (13:54, referencing research)

• On cats as arsonists:
  “New fear unlocked. Thank you, Josh.” — Rory Scovel (15:22)

• On questionable pets:
  “Hamsters are known to eat their own babies.” — Josh Dean (22:09)
  “I've never once wanted to eat my child. That's just, it's never come up.” — Rory Scovel (22:20)

• On goldfish and fraud:
  “The fish swam over to the device’s eShop, added 500 yen…” — Josh Dean (27:29)

• On parrots and criminal enterprise:
  “He’s a parrot, not a rat!” — Reddit, recounted by Josh Dean (34:32)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Time | Details | |--------------------------|-----------|----------------------------------------------------------------------| | Riddle: “What has four legs…?” | 03:44 | Sets up the episode’s theme | | Dogs & accidental shootings | 06:03 | “Name that crime” game; real cases | | Stats: Dogs shooting people | 11:05 | “Since 2014, 23 people …” (stats context) | | Cats and accidental shootings | 13:04 | Michigan cat knocks over handgun | | Cat psychopathy & arson | 13:54-15:22 | Cat study; Seoul fire-starting cats | | Guinea pigs, hamsters, ferrets | 20:27-24:34 | Deliberation on small pets; legal/biological oddities | | Goldfish cause credit card fraud | 25:14-28:06 | The infamous “Mutakimaru” Pokémon story | | Parrots as criminals/cohosts | 31:56-36:36 | Parrot party tricks and criminal cases | | Q&A with Shamrock the parrot | 41:45-44:37 | Live guest: meet Shamrock and her handler, Andrew |

Tone & Style

The episode weaves together absurd true crime, animal behavior science, and improv-heavy humor, with Josh in the drier, fact-driven role, Rory as the wry and bewildered skeptic, and Lane bringing in mini games (and a surprise parrot). There’s a loving skepticism toward sensational pet stories, all delivered with “stoned at a dinner party” energy.

Closing Thoughts

• You probably don’t need to fear being murdered by your dog or cat—but keep your guns out of paw’s reach.
• Some animals are more menace than mascot (sorry, hamsters).
• Goldfish may be the next financial threat (especially if you let them near your Nintendo).
• Parrots might just be criminal masterminds in training—or stubborn, loud, feathered toddlers.
• It’s impossible to choose a perfect pet mascot for CrimeLess, but Shamrock the parrot comes closest.

For more wild stories and criminal animal antics, subscribe to CrimeLess wherever you get podcasts!