CrimeLess's First Annual Florida Man-off

Summary

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CrimeLess: "CrimeLess's First Annual Florida Man-off"

Podcast: CrimeLess (iHeartPodcasts & Smartless Media)
Episode Date: May 27, 2026
Hosts: Rory Scovel (comedian), Josh Dean (journalist), with producer Lane Rose

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Episode Overview

In this riotous, first-ever "Florida Man-off," hosts Rory Scovel and Josh Dean (joined by producer Lane Rose) trade their usual true-crime deep dives for a competitive game. Each brings their best real-world "Florida Man" headline (tied to personal or chosen birthdays), aiming to find the wildest, dumbest, or most quintessentially "Florida" crime reported in the Sunshine State. Over two rounds—including a wild card pick—the trio swap stories, banter, and dissect the nature of Florida's unique criminal legacy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting Up the Florida Man-off ([02:28]–[04:55])

• Premise: Instead of analyzing a single crime, the hosts play a game based on the internet’s "Florida Man + Birthday" challenge.
• [03:36] Josh Dean details the rules: “You combine your birthday and Florida Man or Florida Man arrest in the headline… and see what happened on that day.”
• Each brings their own birthday headline; in Round 2, they’re allowed a wild card pick from any chosen person’s birthday.
• Winner gets “bragging rights and a bowl full of crawdad floating in coconut rum.” ([04:28])

2. Why Florida? ([05:42]–[06:46])

• Open records and a large population mean Florida’s wildest crimes become public domain and viral headlines.
• [06:22] Josh: “A state with a lot of people living in it that also has really generous open records laws. So all the crazy shit that people do turns into news stories.”

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Competition Round One: Birthday Florida Men

1. Josh (May 29) – The Rooster Incident ([07:09]–[11:36])

• Headline: “Florida Man Kills Neighbor’s Rooster for Trying to Attack Him.”
• The group debates whether this is really a crime (or just farmyard justice).
• [10:33] Notable quote—Josh, reciting the Florida man’s defense:
  “I didn’t know to give it a 21 gun salute, CPR, mouth to mouth, you know, or call the chicken ambulance.”
• [11:06] Rory: “If I’m the judge and that’s what someone says, I go, all right, get out of here. You’re fun. You’re a fun guy.”
• Ultimately, James Nix gets jail time (!) for killing the rooster named "Big Roo."

2. Rory (August 6) – The Ear Biting Wheelbarrow Brawl ([13:05]–[16:54])

• Headline: “Florida man bites off friend’s ear in fight over woman in a wheelbarrow.”
• The group unpacks the story:
  • Group of friends, a woman passes out, gets pushed back to the hotel in a wheelbarrow, beer is dumped, insults fly, and a violent brawl erupts, ending in partial-ear loss.
• [14:24] Josh’s deadpan: “That’s where you pass out—at a marina. Wheelbarrow. Yeah.”
• [16:08] Josh: “The wheelbarrow pushing, beer dumping and ear biting is all done by one asshole, Mr Williams. And he was arrested for it. Deservedly so.”
• [16:54] Rory (on forgiveness): “We give them a lot of guff, but they are above us when it comes to reconciliation and moving on.”

3. Lane (November 3) – The Electric Device Drive By ([17:26]–[21:53])

• Headline: “Florida man accused of driving around naked with electronic device attached to his penis.”
• Discussion evolves from defending liberty—“If a Florida man can’t drive around with an electronic device hooked up to his junk, then what did we fight the revolution for?” ([18:26])—to realizing the suspect was propositioning people, and thus losing their sympathy.
• [20:04] Lane: “I’m willing to go on the record and state that it should be your right to drive around with any gadget you want hooked up to your junk, but you absolutely cannot slow down and proposition someone.”
• [22:35] The legal term "nolle prosequi" is explained, as the state opts not to prosecute further.

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Tallying Round One ([23:02])

• Lane takes the lead with the wildest (and grossest) Florida man, per group consensus.
• [23:13] Lane: “That was a… I feel like it’s me, and I don’t want to be in the lead because that’s a really gross one, to be clear.”
• The group jokes about their Florida man stories all involving “cocks” in one way or another.

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Competition: The Wild Card Round ([25:59]–[39:20])

Every host gets a pick—anyone’s birthday.

1. Josh – Ron DeSantis’ Birthday (Sept 14): Excavator Rampage ([27:03]–[29:55])

• Headline: “Florida man causes $2 million in damage with hot wired excavator, crashes into Walmart.”
• The man, armed with a machete, goes on a property-destroying spree including utility poles, a Walmart, and underground wiring before being caught.
• [29:05] Josh: “Just an all time bender.”
• [29:42] Adds, “After he crashed into the Walmart, he ran inside with his machete before wisely deciding not to slash anyone, and he was charged with six felonies.”

Notable Florida Man Non-Crime, Bonus Highlight ([30:23])

• Shirtless guy "travels to Myrtle Beach to headbang during Hurricane Florence," holding a flag and blasting Slayer’s Raining Blood.
• [30:32] Rory: “I saw my hero. I saw patriotism. I saw courage.”

2. Rory – Michael J. Fox’s Birthday (June 9): The Flea Market Nude Spree ([32:37]–[36:24])

• Headline (Pick 1): “Florida man accused of bizarre crime spree that included trying to kiss elderly women. Suspect racks up 19 charges in less than an hour.”
  • Starts by exposing himself at a flea market, goes fully naked, steals a car, assaults a woman, tries to kiss an elderly woman, threatens to kill someone with a concrete block, all while screaming about the dead rising.
  • [34:41] Lane: “Witnesses reported him jumping on a coin machine while kicking and punching it, then went to the ground where he exposed himself and started screaming, ‘Call the cops. The dead are rising.’”
  • [35:20] Lane: “He tried to kiss her, then picked up a piece of concrete and threatened to kill her. Real hot and cold with that one.”
• Headline (Pick 2): “Florida man known as the Monkey Whisperer, sentenced for trafficking protected primates.”
  • Group jokes that this would be headline news anywhere but Florida.

3. Lane – Friend’s Birthday (Nov 15):

• Lane searches her friend Elena’s November 15th birthday.
• Primary Google hit: Very dark story (child abuse; group immediately rejects this entry).
• Lighter option, [37:24]: “Florida man makes himself a snack while robbing Taco Bell.”
  • Turns out he only helped himself to pre-fried tostada shells, underwhelming compared to Rory’s epic tale.

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The Winners ([38:34]–[39:20])

1. Rory Scovel is crowned Florida Man-off champion, thanks to his “bizarre crime spree” story, plus the wheelbarrow ear-biting.

   • [38:49] Lane: “He had biting an ear off in a wheelbarrow and nude zombie kissing elderly women.”
   • [38:57] Rory (jokingly): “And what you don’t know is that this was the same guy in both stories.”

2. Lane takes second.

3. Josh and his rooster settle for a strong but not wild enough third place.

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Final Segment: Rewriting Florida’s State Song as a Mad Lib ([42:11]–[47:56])

• Lane introduces the history of Florida's problematic state song, then walks the hosts through a customized Mad Libs using modern Florida "vocab."
• Hilarious substitutions ensue for classic song lyrics (e.g., “Gulf of America,” “armpit,” “discombobulate,” “Hobby Lobby,” “toe jam,” “comptroller”).
• [47:05] The group decides to produce the new song’s arrangement as a bonus episode.
• [47:56] Josh closes: “Congratulations, Rory, champion of the first annual Crimeless Florida Man Off. Lane, I think we're going to give you second. Me and the rooster, me and Big Roo, we're following people like we always do.”

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Josh Dean (10:33):
  “I didn’t know to give it a 21 gun salute, CPR, mouth to mouth, you know, or call the chicken ambulance.”
• Lane Rose (20:04):
  “It should be your right to drive around with any gadget you want hooked up to your junk, but you absolutely cannot slow down and proposition someone.”
• Rory Scovel (16:54):
  “We give them a lot of guff, but they are above us when it comes to reconciliation and moving on.”
• Josh Dean (29:05):
  “Just an all time bender.”
• Rory Scovel (30:32):
  “I saw my hero. I saw patriotism. I saw courage.” — reacting to the shirtless hurricane headbanger.
• Rory Scovel (35:32):
  “And none of them wanted to kiss him back. Just in his defense. For sure, no one wanted to kiss him back.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:28] — Game introduction and rules
• [07:09] — Josh’s rooster story
• [13:05] — Rory’s wheelbarrow ear-biting saga
• [17:26] — Lane’s naked, gadget-driving Florida man
• [23:02] — Round One tally
• [27:03] — Wild card round
• [34:41] — Rory’s naked crime spree
• [38:34] — Round Two tally and final winner
• [42:11] — Florida State Song Mad Libs

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Tone and Style

Irreverent, witty, and high-spirited—the hosts lampoon, sympathize, and theorize about Florida’s most outrageous crimes, always with a blend of journalistic detail and comedic teamwork.

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Summary Takeaway

The "Florida Man-off" is a fun, laughter-filled break from sober true crime, treating Florida’s unique criminal headlines like Olympic events. Whether it’s rooster-icide, ear loss in a drunken brawl, or science experiments gone awry in someone’s car, there’s always a new way for Florida to surprise. And as Josh Dean jokes—“Florida Mad Libs…might be what the game is.”

Transcript

[Lane Rose]

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[Rory Scovel]

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[Josh Dean]

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[Rory Scovel]

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[Josh Dean]

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[Josh Dean]

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He's coming after my family.

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[Lane Rose]

Visit your nearby Lowe's.

[Rory Scovel]

A murdered cock. And that was the title no one used.

[Josh Dean]

America's least favorite porno.

[Lane Rose]

Campsite media smart blast media.

[Josh Dean]

Rory, I feel like we've developed a pretty friendly relationship, right?

[Rory Scovel]

I feel differently, but go on.

[Josh Dean]

A lot of co hosts are always fighting for airtime, but you just pick your spots. Which I appreciate. But today I've decided to totally ruin our partnership by proposing a competition.

[Rory Scovel]

Ooh. Okay, good.

[Josh Dean]

And as long as we're going completely off script, I'm gonna have Lane join us, too.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah. I thought Lane was the only one trying to separate our friendship with these. These quizzes.

[Lane Rose]

I'm the wedge.

[Josh Dean]

Are you ready?

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Lane.

[Lane Rose]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

All right. So today, instead of exploring a crime perpetrated by idiots, we're playing a game that, of course, also includes crimes perpetrated by idiots.

[Rory Scovel]

Joshua's games doesn't sound as good. It just doesn't phonetically feel right.

[Josh Dean]

It doesn't layon's games. It is a drum roll, please. The Florida Man Off.

[Lane Rose]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

Have you ever played the game where you Google Florida man on your birthday?

[Rory Scovel]

No.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, all right. What does that.

[Rory Scovel]

What does that mean?

[Josh Dean]

Meaning you didn't. Don't. Go ahead and do it, because I think we are going or about to.

[Rory Scovel]

I'm not going to do it.

[Josh Dean]

Meaning you combine your birthday and Florida man or Florida man arrest in the headline or in the Google search and see what happened on that day. Because there's always a story, and it's literally true. So on today's show, we're gonna have a competition to see which of us is complicit by way of birth with the best Florida man crime. Perfect. We each have our own birthdays, which we had no control over, but we also each get to use a wild card. The birthday of a friend, a family member, or some other human of your choosing. Oh, I picked someone in advance. But you guys are going to do it live. Making Crimeless history, history, history. At the end, there will be one Florida man to rule them all. Are there any questions?

[Lane Rose]

H. How are we judging this?

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Or the contestants and the voters.

[Rory Scovel]

Like, now I know Lane is taking it very seriously. She's like, wait, how do the points work?

[Lane Rose]

I played win. What is their prize?

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. Winner gets bragging rights and a bowl full of crawdad floating in coconut rum.

[Rory Scovel]

And I thought it was gonna be something shitty. Okay, good.

[Josh Dean]

Let the first annual Crimeless Florida man off begin after the break. Hello and welcome back to Crimeless, the podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals, at least 90% of whom live in Florida.

[Lane Rose]

Josh.

[Josh Dean]

I'm Josh Dean.

[Rory Scovel]

And I'm Rory Scovel.

[Lane Rose]

And I'm Lane Rose.

[Josh Dean]

Hey, thanks for joining us here in the clown car, Lane. I hope you packed snacks. How are you guys feeling about the competition?

[Rory Scovel]

I feel. I feel great. I don't fully even understand what I'm getting into, so I feel the most optimistic at this point.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. I think I have faith in Florida.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

All right.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, that's a T shirt. Faith in Florida.

[Josh Dean]

Probably also the name of one of those giant churches.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Rory Scovel]

Or like, one of those TV shows that come out and they're like, her name is Faith. I get it.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, two meanings. I have faith in Florida is a pretty good slogan, though. Another. Put that on the T shirt list.

[Rory Scovel]

I'm running for every election cycle. I have faith in Florida. And then you see that shirt get ripped up and thrown away.

[Josh Dean]

But it's purple There are at least a few decent law abiding citizens in Florida, even if you don't count my in laws. But Florida, man, is totally a thing. I'm not sure anyone has ever studied the per capita rate of idiot crime state by state. And certainly no one is going to now that all academic research has been canceled. But I'm pretty sure Florida has the most people likely to appear on crime lists. Every other state is fighting for silver at this point. Yeah, a big reason for that is that it's a state with a lot of people living in it that also has really generous open records laws. So all the crazy shit that people do turns into news stories. You can't just break into a zoo, put a saddle on an ostrich and go rampaging inside a Hobby lobby and hope your attorney is going to get that story buried.

[Rory Scovel]

Such a great example. Ostrich saddle, Hobby lobby. It has all the things.

[Josh Dean]

Rory, as our resident Southerner, would you care to defend Florida's honor?

[Rory Scovel]

I have no reason to do so. I am not. Look, I'm going to tour Florida. I'm going to show up, I'm going to do my shows. I am not moving to Florida. I'm not going to. I have no defense of Florida.

[Josh Dean]

You heard it here on the record. Rory will never move to Florida.

[Rory Scovel]

Yes. And if for anyone down there is. Is religious and they're like, I good, we don't want him down here, I want you to know God brings all those hurricanes for a reason. I'm on God's team.

[Josh Dean]

All right, there goes our Florida fan base.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

All right, let's get started. I'll go first. My birthday is May 29 and my headline is Florida Man Kills Neighbors Rooster for trying to attack him.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, that's not really a crime. I'm a little bummed out. It just feels like retributive justice. That's totally a crime.

[Rory Scovel]

It is. It is bonkers. But you know that you got to who's in the wrong? The rooster. Did the rooster try to kill him? Is that what you said?

[Josh Dean]

I mean, for trying to attack him.

[Rory Scovel]

I attack. I guess we can't know the rooster's intent.

[Lane Rose]

Is it illegal to kill a rooster? I feel like it should be justice for the rooster.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I mean, I grew up in part in West Virginia and murdering a rooster didn't even make the news.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, no one cared.

[Josh Dean]

That was happened all the time.

[Rory Scovel]

That was a rite of passage up there.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, this is a bit of a bummer, but I'll just keep Reading. According to the definitive news source, Florida has a Right to Know Dot Com, a website that was definitely written by humans and not AI Pets are. Here's the quote. Pets are among the main causes of disagreements between neighbors. However, the differences can quickly aggravate when both parties fail to handle the matter. Well, okay, that's definitely AI both parties. The human and. Damn it. My Florida man story is lame.

[Rory Scovel]

Is your. Now, did you pick, like. Is that your. Do we pick our birthday or any, like.

[Josh Dean]

No. So we're going to do. We're going to do our birthdays first, and then we'll do a bonus round. So this is my. This is actually my birthday and the one that came up, so.

[Rory Scovel]

Okay, got it.

[Josh Dean]

Have you ever come to blows with a neighbor over a pet? Has your dog started a fight?

[Rory Scovel]

No, my dog is very chill. And we're. We're big dog people. We love dogs.

[Josh Dean]

Lane.

[Lane Rose]

No, my dog's also very chill. She's a good neighbor, so.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Don't we all have such chill dogs?

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, well, that sounds like you don't, Josh, the way you said that.

[Josh Dean]

I only have a cat. Actually, she's pretty chill, though. Okay, let me skip to the action here. Ultimately, and I guess this is the guy, James Nix claimed he was just busy walking when the rooster came up to him, following him. Him from behind.

[Rory Scovel]

Interesting.

[Josh Dean]

So if I'm reading this right, the rooster is tailing him. Being kind of a dick, honestly. But that isn't a crime. And I also think roosters are territorial. So I guess if you were to take the rooster side here, maybe the guy should have stayed off his turf.

[Rory Scovel]

Interesting.

[Josh Dean]

Back to the story. After trying so much to get away, Nyx claims the rooster jumped at him before he accidentally hit it in the head.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Sorry, Mr. Nix, that does not seem likely.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I don't know that the judge is going to buy that one. I have my fist accidentally connected with a tiny little head.

[Rory Scovel]

It jumped at me.

[Josh Dean]

So, first off, the phrase after trying so much to get away is definitely not a phrase any human, even a Florida human, would say, so.

[Rory Scovel]

I know. After trying to get away, what effort did you make? Well, I got in my car, and the rooster got in its car, and it was still trailing me. I got to Dairy Queen, it got to Dairy Queen.

[Lane Rose]

We split a blizzard.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I mean, so his argument seems to be that the rooster jumped him and he fought back and he didn't kill the rooster on purpose. Yeah, this is lame. I'm looking up a real news story on this that Was the AI story. That was not good enough. We need some backup. So I went to an NBC affiliate website for a little bit more detail. James Nix ended up doing a month in jail for this alleged rooster crime.

[Lane Rose]

Good, good.

[Josh Dean]

Look at Lane. He's happy.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, very pro rooster.

[Josh Dean]

It looks like he finally did get his day in court, and he mounted a stirring defense. So the rooster's name was Big Roof. Nick's hit it with a stick. It goes down. Then he says, quote all timer of a Florida man quote here. I didn't know to give it a 21 gun salute, CPR, mouth to mouth, you know, or call the chicken ambulance.

[Rory Scovel]

I mean, if I'm the judge and that's what someone says, I go, all right, get out of here. You're fun. You're a fun guy. Get out of here.

[Josh Dean]

Chicken ambulance. Another T shirt.

[Rory Scovel]

Stop killing animals. But you're clearly a fun person.

[Josh Dean]

You got me with the chicken ambulance. But Nick's neighbor, Big Rue's owner, got big mad. And then. And then Nick says, next thing you know, he calls the chicken police on me. He's really leaning into that joke I

[Rory Scovel]

was about to say now the judge is like, all right, you're kind of going back to the well a few too many times here.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, I think I got some in the end. That's a pretty good entry, I think. I think I'm pretty happy with that story.

[Rory Scovel]

That's not bad. Yeah. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

All right, we're going to move up next. Next up is Rory. August 6th, right?

[Rory Scovel]

That's right.

[Josh Dean]

It's on your Wikipedia page. Also, we did an extensive background check for hiring you.

[Rory Scovel]

Jesus Christ.

[Josh Dean]

You've lived a very upstanding life by comedian standards.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, thank you. Catholic high school, the Catholic middle school, elementary school, Episcopalian high school, public high school.

[Josh Dean]

Some Catholic school, though. So you've got good morals.

[Rory Scovel]

I've got some Catholic school. I've got a lot of guilt.

[Josh Dean]

You have a degree in communications.

[Lane Rose]

Oh, me too.

[Josh Dean]

Fast tracked you to your podcasting career.

[Rory Scovel]

And then I immediately turn that.

[Josh Dean]

I.

[Rory Scovel]

When people laugh at a communications degree, I am like, well, I quite literally earn my income through communication. And also, people think communications as a degree. They're like. They kind of laugh at it. Like it's some. They're like, oh, yeah, communications. And you're like, you mean literally the reason anything exists, Right. Well, I studied history. Oh, and how are you able to understand that? Is it through communication? Thank you. Lane gets it. We both made the wrong choice.

[Lane Rose]

That's why I went back to school. To undo the communication.

[Rory Scovel]

To finally become a doctor.

[Lane Rose]

Doctor podcaster.

[Josh Dean]

And then the last thing for me that I wanted to mention from our background research, which is a lot of public urination charges, but.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, yeah, but I mean, like, they're all fun. There's this. That should be in an ad. There should be an asterisk. They were funny when I did them.

[Josh Dean]

Other than that, pretty spotless resume.

[Rory Scovel]

So.

[Josh Dean]

Okay. August 6th. Drumroll, please. Rory's Florida man headline.

[Rory Scovel]

Here we go.

[Josh Dean]

Florida man bites off friend's ear in fight over woman in a wheelbarrow.

[Rory Scovel]

Police say, oh, that's good. You were like, how do we take this? Evander Holyfield up one notch. Woman in a wheelbarrow.

[Josh Dean]

So much better than mine.

[Lane Rose]

Better than. I don't even know what my is, but I think it's going to be better than mine.

[Josh Dean]

All right, let's. Let's dig into this one. There appears to be a mug shot. The guy's got a black eye and a big scratch on his nose.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Lane Rose]

Does he have both ears, though?

[Josh Dean]

Appears to have both ears. So this the. The biter.

[Rory Scovel]

What's great about Florida is that you don't know if that's a before or an after photo. You actually don't know chronologically where that look came from.

[Josh Dean]

Well, actually, he is missing an ear, but it's not from this incident.

[Rory Scovel]

That could be an entirely other ear biting incident. You have no. There's no way to know in Florida.

[Josh Dean]

So I guess this guy wins. And let's read on. According to the UK's Independent, which is a very fine news source written by humans, a Florida man is accused of biting off part of a man's ear during a fight over a mutual friend who is pushing in a wheelbarrow. The group of friends were on vacation in the Florida Keys when authorities say a woman passed out at a marina in the early hours of Thursday morning.

[Rory Scovel]

That's where you pass out at a marina Wheelbarrow. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

James Len Williams, 45, is said to have put the woman in a wheelbarrow to push her back to their Stock Island Hotel, the Ocean's Edge Resort and Marina.

[Lane Rose]

I've never had anyone push me in a wheelbarrow, so that's peak chivalry.

[Josh Dean]

What a gentleman.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, I gotta. I do want to know here were the intentions right? Like, oh, this woman is intoxicated. I can't carry her all the way back, but I will get her to a safe place. Do we think that is what's happening?

[Josh Dean]

Well, I think. Yeah, good question. And I think that. That's gotta lie at the center of this, right? So. So witnesses told investigators that Mr. Williams. Okay. Dumped beer on the woman and insulted her before.

[Rory Scovel]

Let me back up to my question. I would like to delete my question.

[Josh Dean]

And then another friend intervened and told him he was being disrespectful. I'm guessing that's not exactly how he phrased it.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, the guy, the person there's always, like, the language changes again. Communication. I told him you were being disrespectful to this madam.

[Josh Dean]

So the guy pushing the wheelbarrow also insulted and poured beer on her, apparently. Which kind of makes me wonder about his motives.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

I don't know if he's really just taking her back to the hotel.

[Rory Scovel]

Well, hold on. Let me ask you another question. Was she on fire? Because then he still is a good person.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I mean, very, very important question. Don't have the answer. I'm going to pause for a survey here. Lane, have you ever passed out in a wheelbarrow?

[Lane Rose]

No, I've not.

[Josh Dean]

Rory.

[Rory Scovel]

Not to my knowledge.

[Josh Dean]

Okay. A lot of life still. You got time. Both of you have time.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So in summation, the wheelbarrow pushing, beer dumping and ear biting is all done by one asshole, Mr. Williams. And he was arrested for it. Deservedly so.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

He actually got some pretty serious charges, according to news reports. Aggravated battery, battery by strangulation, which I've done a year. A lot of years on earth did not know that was a charge.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, I've never heard that.

[Josh Dean]

Fucking dark one.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

As well as a plain old battery.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

But we can't find any record of him being convicted or sentenced. So maybe his drinking buddies didn't pass press charges in the end.

[Rory Scovel]

Interesting.

[Josh Dean]

It's. Yeah. I mean, what a generous friend. If he got his ear bitten off and still didn't press charges.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, that's. That's Florida friendship.

[Rory Scovel]

I mean, hey, you think Tyson and Holyfield don't still talk? They do.

[Josh Dean]

It's true. And if ever there was a place. You're right. It's Florida. Florida men can forgive.

[Rory Scovel]

They can. They are, actually. We give them a lot of guff, but they are above us when it comes to reconciliation and moving on.

[Josh Dean]

Not enough people say that, Rory. Yeah, yeah, I'm glad you brought that up. Very important.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, well, they don't say that word in Florida because they got rid of a lot of the books, and I don't know if anyone's even read that word, so they don't know that that's

[Josh Dean]

what they're doing really pack your shows. Your Tampa shows are going to be packed. All right, so Rory's obviously in the lead, but just through the sheer luck of being born on August 6th. Lane, are you ready?

[Lane Rose]

I am ready. I am not blackout drunk at a marina, but I'm here in a wheelbarrow.

[Josh Dean]

It's your turn. What's your birthday?

[Lane Rose]

November 3rd.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, November 3rd. Let's see. Florida man. Oh, wow.

[Rory Scovel]

It's the same story.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, no. Rory. Florida man accused of driving around naked with electronic device attached to his penis.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, I think I am. I think that might have just slid me right into second.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, that's pretty. That's pretty good. And by good, I mean bad.

[Rory Scovel]

Florida flight attendant.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, man.

[Rory Scovel]

Naked in car lane.

[Josh Dean]

You're. You've. The Florida man. You are the Florida man in the lead. I think in the. You know, it's yours to lose at this point. Let's see what happens in the storytelling. Okay. Also, we have the wild card round. Don't forget, nobody's out of it yet.

[Rory Scovel]

Okay.

[Josh Dean]

Just based on the headline, I don't see how this should be any more of a crime than killing a rooster. It feels, based on the facts from a single headline, like an infringement on this man's rights.

[Rory Scovel]

Interesting.

[Josh Dean]

If a Florida man can't drive around with an electronic device hooked up to his junk, then what do we fight the revolution for?

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah. Now, Josh, do you read that, or is that actually coming from you? Is that your.

[Josh Dean]

That's why. That's my opinion.

[Rory Scovel]

Okay. That's a personal opinion. Okay. Okay.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. No, that's not. Although I feel like that would be a good defense for him, too. Like, what do you get Your. Get your laws out of my car.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, and there's so many reasons why we fought the revolution, but I. You do pose it in a way that's more relevant to my lifestyle.

[Josh Dean]

I. I see.

[Lane Rose]

I mean, my question. Is this a medical device that he needs in order to.

[Josh Dean]

Good. Very good. Good question.

[Lane Rose]

That's the only forgiving thing I can.

[Rory Scovel]

Are there any details to the electric electrical device?

[Josh Dean]

Let's see when you get more.

[Rory Scovel]

More details on being so polite. Maybe he needed it to stay alive.

[Lane Rose]

The oxygen was coming through his penis.

[Rory Scovel]

His lungs were in the wrong place.

[Lane Rose]

He's actually really messed up, guys.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, he's. And also super nice, dude. He's actually super nice.

[Josh Dean]

So. According to the West Palm Beach News, police responded to Orange Drive, where an alarmed resident reported.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, God.

[Josh Dean]

Reported being propositioned by the naked man, who is slowly driving through the Neighborhood.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, I'm going to revise my position now.

[Rory Scovel]

Lane and I always. We always start with sort of the best intentions. We really. We want to know, are they actually a good person? And it's always the very next sentence.

[Josh Dean]

I'm sorry, no. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to get off the nanny state pulpit and say, okay, starting to lose. This guy's starting to lose my support.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, same.

[Josh Dean]

I'm willing to go on the record and state that it should be your right to drive around with any gadget you want hooked up to your junk, but you absolutely cannot slow down and proposition someone.

[Rory Scovel]

That's right.

[Lane Rose]

So we don't know what the device was.

[Josh Dean]

It just says, quote, the victim noticed an electronic device with wires attached to Jenkins penis and called police man.

[Ad Voice]

Any.

[Josh Dean]

Any theories, Rory? Like, what would this be?

[Rory Scovel]

I cannot even. I can't even guess because I can't even picture pleasure. I'm only picturing, like, pain, like some sort of torture device.

[Josh Dean]

Maybe that was his thing.

[Rory Scovel]

That could be the pleasure. There you go.

[Lane Rose]

I'm thinking, like, science experiment. Potatoes with wires attached, like a clock. His penis is a clock.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, they have outlawed science in Florida, so that makes some sense.

[Rory Scovel]

And he wasn't propositioning the person. He rolled his window down. He said, can you come? Just tell me if this is science or not.

[Lane Rose]

Okay.

[Josh Dean]

The news report goes on to say, when police arrived, Jenkins refused to comply with their demands, forcing them to tackle him to the ground. Yeah, you know, those cops were drawing straws to tackle the naked guy with a gizmo.

[Rory Scovel]

Is he like, please don't tackle me. My penis is hooked to these wires. And they're like, yeah, I don't. What do you want us to do here, bud?

[Josh Dean]

Actually, I read in another article that he removed the wires and put on a pair of red shorts before getting

[Rory Scovel]

out of the car. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, good.

[Lane Rose]

That was awful.

[Rory Scovel]

Good. I hope they were very short shorts.

[Lane Rose]

Little booty shorts.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Then he didn't comply with police orders and got tackled. So. Okay, so according to the report, Jenkins is being charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition. We're learning so many laws on crimeless.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Exposure of sexual organs and resisting a law enforcement officer without violence.

[Rory Scovel]

Huh.

[Josh Dean]

What's that one?

[Rory Scovel]

Just saying, like, I get verbal.

[Josh Dean]

They're just like, I'm gonna arrest you. And you're just like, no, you're not.

[Rory Scovel]

No, you're not. They're like, all right, well, you just resisted through verbal confirmation that you will not do what I said.

[Josh Dean]

You're like, well, you're the cops. I just said no.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So in this case, the prosecution. Oh, I'm gonna have to speak Latin. Here enters a notice of nole proce. Rory, you went to Catholic school. No, le pro. I only.

[Rory Scovel]

I only know these things through Gregorian chant. No, le proce.

[Josh Dean]

Why did they. Why.

[Rory Scovel]

Why can't we just, like, when people were like, oh, no, it's Latin for. It's like, oh, why don't we just go with what it's Latin for instead of needing to say the so that all of us can feel stupid.

[Josh Dean]

It is.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

It's a little obnoxious. Yeah. Lawyers, man. Fuck the lawyers.

[Rory Scovel]

Thank you.

[Josh Dean]

All right, let me help you out, you heretic. Nolle proce is short for nolle prosequi, which, of course you knew. It translates to not to wish to prosecute. So I guess in this case it translates to come to Florida. We're cool if you want to drive around with a gizmo on your dong.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah. Gizmo on your dong, buddy bites your ear. People are easy breezy down here.

[Lane Rose]

Freedom.

[Josh Dean]

All right, all right, that's the end of the first round. Shall we decide who's in the lead?

[Rory Scovel]

I mean, I feel like it's Lane.

[Lane Rose]

That was a. I feel like it's me, and I don't. And I don't want to be in the lead because that's a really gross

[Josh Dean]

one, to be clear. Mom, great news. I won today on the show.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah. I gotta say, any stories involving a penis, they just. It's just there that it's going to

[Josh Dean]

be a little more.

[Lane Rose]

I would say it's like a whimsical way, too, to involve a penis.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, it is.

[Rory Scovel]

Josh, yours involved a cock. Oh, look at that. There you go. Murdered that. A murdered cock. And that was the title no one used.

[Josh Dean]

America's least favorite porno.

[Lane Rose]

Ew.

[Josh Dean]

All right. The wild card round of the first annual crimeless Florida Man Off. After the break.

[Rory Scovel]

Yes.

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[Josh Dean]

Welcome back to Crimeless. We're here this week to decide the winner of the Florida Man Off, a sacred tradition here at Crimeless that dates back at least 20 minutes.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

So Lane is in the lead after the first round. I think just a little bit over. Rory. I'm me and the rooster. Me and the rooster are following behind, trying not to be too threatening so that you guys don't punch us.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, I mean, Josh, you can only go up from here. Lane's in the toughest spot.

[Josh Dean]

It's true. You don't want to be in the lead after the first round. After years of the crimeless Florida man off, we've learned you do not want to be in the lead after the first round. So this time, we each get to choose a friend, family member, or really anyone out there who we think is likely to give us great luck with a Florida man story. Remember, you have to actually know this person's birthday.

[Rory Scovel]

Okay?

[Josh Dean]

And I cheated because I picked mine in advance because I wrote the episode, so that's my prerogative.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, okay.

[Josh Dean]

You guys just take a minute to think of somebody.

[Rory Scovel]

I got it.

[Lane Rose]

I got it.

[Josh Dean]

Okay. I guess we do this like golf, where the farthest from the hole goes first. And because I'm in last. I'll go first. I'm gonna tempt fate here and choose Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

[Rory Scovel]

Nice doubling down.

[Josh Dean]

So Ron is September 14th. He's a Virgo. Rory, you're a master of the signs. On a previous show. What does a Virgo mean?

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, wait, I don't know.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, was it just tarot cards?

[Rory Scovel]

Is that I only know Tarot and even then I don't know that.

[Josh Dean]

Lane, do you know anything about Virgos?

[Lane Rose]

I know nothing about horoscopes aside from my own.

[Rory Scovel]

I. Looks like Lane's trying to secretly look it up quickly. Cheating.

[Josh Dean]

How's Ron DeSantis's day going? How often do we ask ourselves that?

[Rory Scovel]

Every. That's how I wake up.

[Lane Rose]

Virgo traits. Hard working, overthinks a lot. Critical, analytical. Fussy. Reliable. Intelligent.

[Rory Scovel]

Nope, not always. Only one of those words applied. Fussy.

[Josh Dean]

Fussy with the big boots and the little pants. Remember that photo?

[Rory Scovel]

Yes. Could you imagine if you're like. That's how people described you. They're like, you're fussy.

[Lane Rose]

A little fussy. Messy.

[Josh Dean]

All right, so Governor Ron's Florida man entry is. Wow. This is from 2023. September 14th. Florida man causes $2 million in damage with hot wired excavator, crashes into Walmart.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, my God. Hotwired excavator.

[Lane Rose]

Those are all.

[Rory Scovel]

I didn't even know you could do that.

[Lane Rose]

Really good Florida words.

[Josh Dean]

So everyone is like a mad lib.

[Rory Scovel]

Like that is.

[Josh Dean]

Yes, a perfect mad lib. Every Florida man headline. Yeah. Okay, here's how the New York Post story about this genius begins. Oh, it gets better. A machete armed Florida man stole an excavator and went on a joyride through Gainesville Monday night, crashing into several buildings, including a Walmart, and causing roughly $2 million in damage. Yeah, I guess they couldn't squeeze the machete quite into the headline.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, one more bit I want to read for you. En route to the retail store, Smith smashed into another fence and drove into a utility pole, causing it to fall down with live wires before running over to a CT meter, causing underground damage and breaking down a light pole.

[Rory Scovel]

Jesus.

[Lane Rose]

Jeez.

[Josh Dean]

Just an all time bender.

[Rory Scovel]

I bet that is fun.

[Josh Dean]

It does seem like it might be fun.

[Rory Scovel]

It's like playing the game Rampage, but you're. You're in an excavator instead of a Godzilla or a King Kong.

[Lane Rose]

Was he under the influence of any substance, do we know?

[Josh Dean]

I think it's safe to assume that he was.

[Lane Rose]

I mean, yeah, probably. That seems like a sober Florida thing.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, it's true. I was going to say, like, it was obviously, I'm sure, in the moment, fun, but, like, at what moment does, like, the. The regrets come down upon him when he's having the time of his life, and then suddenly he's like, oh. Oh, no.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, shit.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, dear.

[Rory Scovel]

So. Oh, God, what did I do?

[Josh Dean]

After he crashed into the Walmart, he ran inside with his machete before wisely deciding not to slash anyone, and he was charged with six felonies.

[Rory Scovel]

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. And $2 million worth of damage.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, so I like my odd. That's a pretty good one.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, that actually is. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

But before we move on to Lane, I want. Or no, I guess Rory would be second. I want to share this other September 14th story, which is not a crime, but it's just primo Florida man. And I have a video that. Elaine, are you able to play it for us? Okay, so the headline is shirtless Florida man travels to Myrtle beach to headbang during Hurricane Florence.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Lane Rose]

Hero.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Wow, Rory, what did you just see there?

[Rory Scovel]

I saw my hero. I saw patriotism. I saw courage. But a guy in. In boxer briefs. Teal. Teal boxer briefs only, with long hair, holding an American flag that ironically looks like he stole it. Head banging to a hurricane as it's clearly getting pushed back.

[Lane Rose]

I will say, I love that he tagged the Weather Channel in that post.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, I got to say, we see a lot of reporters that feel the need to be in a hurricane to tell us something that is more exciting than that. So I do have to say he definitely knows how to keep our attention more than the reporter. That's like. It's crazy out here. Yeah, no shit.

[Josh Dean]

And. And I feel like if we were, like, anointing a Florida man mascot. That guy, he's. He's right there. He's in contention for sure.

[Rory Scovel]

I mean, he drove to Myrtle Beach. That's called ambition.

[Josh Dean]

You know, Myrtle beach is the south of France to Floridians. Yeah. All right. I don't know. Well, Rory may not be able to see.

[Rory Scovel]

I mean, it is the Redneck Riviera, so.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, and the guy's name. Holy shit. I don't know if Rory will be able to read this, so I'll have to. It's going to be too small. His name is. By the way, the song he was playing there was Slayer's Raining Blood. His name is. Wait. Oh, I lost it.

[Lane Rose]

I know what it is because I saw it when I clicked the link.

[Josh Dean]

Pop it back up and let's see if Rory can see it. If not, we'll. We'll edit this. This exciting pause.

[Rory Scovel]

No, no, leave this in. Leave this dead air in. People love that kind of stuff. It gives them a chance to, like, take a break, have a cigarette, you know.

[Lane Rose]

Oh, there it is.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah. Lane Pittman. He's lame behavior.

[Josh Dean]

Classic.

[Rory Scovel]

Classic.

[Lane Rose]

He loves games and trivia. Look at him.

[Josh Dean]

That's his. Lane's game.

[Lane Rose]

Fighting a hurricane.

[Josh Dean]

Rory, we're going to do this live. Who you got?

[Rory Scovel]

I got the birth date of Michael J. Fox.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, what's the birthday?

[Rory Scovel]

And it is June 9th.

[Josh Dean]

June 9th.

[Rory Scovel]

Uh.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, I don't know if I have control. Lane, you're going to have to do it. I don't have control of the browser here.

[Rory Scovel]

Josh has lost control.

[Josh Dean]

Totally lost control.

[Lane Rose]

June 9th, Michael J. Fox.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

Well, no, just do June 9th, Florida, man.

[Lane Rose]

Oh, that's right.

[Rory Scovel]

June 9th, Florida.

[Lane Rose]

I'm just gonna get it.

[Josh Dean]

Otherwise, it's gonna be. That's Michael J.

[Rory Scovel]

Fox. Now, here's the history of Michael J.

[Lane Rose]

Fox. Okay, first hit. Oh, okay, I've got two, because they both come up first.

[Rory Scovel]

One, double points.

[Lane Rose]

Is Rory naked? Florida man accused of bizarre crime spree that included trying to kiss a elderly women. Suspect racks up 19 charges in less than an hour.

[Rory Scovel]

I mean, the charge count has to factor into the point count.

[Lane Rose]

It does.

[Rory Scovel]

But elderly women, why are they always naked? Why do they have to be naked?

[Josh Dean]

So, wait, my guy in the excavator was wearing clothes, so.

[Rory Scovel]

So we're told. So we're told. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Machete, though. Okay, well, that's pretty good.

[Lane Rose]

His spree started with him exposing himself at a flea market, but then he stripped naked, and then he stole a car. And then it just says various other criminal acts were committed before he was arrested less than an hour later.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, he kissed some elderly women in.

[Rory Scovel]

Well, they're not going to arrest him at the flea market, because a little bit of that is just kind of what you do at a flea market. You know, you take. You expose yourself, you take your clothes off, you steal a car. It's all fun and games.

[Josh Dean]

You buy a mirror with Def Leppard on it.

[Rory Scovel]

You buy a mirror, you get a couple CDs, you get a pocket knife carved out of wood or a deer antler.

[Lane Rose]

I. I have even more details.

[Josh Dean]

All right, let's go, let's go.

[Lane Rose]

He was arrested at a diner inside the flea market.

[Josh Dean]

What?

[Rory Scovel]

Yes.

[Lane Rose]

Witnesses reported him jumping on a coin machine while kicking and punching it, then went to the ground where he Exposed himself and started screaming, call the cops. The dead are rising. Yeah, he punched a woman. Stripped naked again.

[Rory Scovel]

Look, I don't know if this definitely puts me in first place, but Jesus Christ, if we're not in the finals.

[Lane Rose]

The call came from an elderly woman. Twenty minutes later, another one came, and she said that he was approaching her in a stolen car, grabbed her hair, tried to kiss her, then picked up a piece of concrete and threatened to kill her. Real hot and cold with that one.

[Rory Scovel]

Wow. And he thinks all these women are zombies.

[Lane Rose]

Seems like it.

[Rory Scovel]

And none of them wanted to kiss him back. Just in his defense. For sure, no one wanted to kiss him back.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. Okay, so that's one of the. The headlines that I have.

[Josh Dean]

All right.

[Rory Scovel]

Wow.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, let's go.

[Lane Rose]

I'm gonna say Rory can choose his best.

[Josh Dean]

All right, Roy, you get to pick one of these. We're just making up the rules as we go along.

[Rory Scovel]

Okay.

[Lane Rose]

This is a press release from the US Government's Attorney's office.

[Rory Scovel]

Good.

[Lane Rose]

Florida man known as the monkey whisperer, sentenced for trafficking protected primates.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I mean, the monkey what?

[Rory Scovel]

Monkey whisperer.

[Josh Dean]

Monkey whisperer. Well, this one. This is the cuter of the two. Yeah, unless you're a trafficked monkey, I guess.

[Rory Scovel]

It's funny how those two stories back to back make the second one seem more sane and okay.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. Soft.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, like he's a good guy.

[Josh Dean]

All he was doing was trafficking rare primates.

[Rory Scovel]

He's a monkey whisperer. What do you want him to do? Yeah, I'm gonna pick that first story for sure. Come on, what are we talking about?

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, the details of this one are just not as, you know, headline grabbing,

[Josh Dean]

you know, but in any other state, that would be one of the greatest crimes of the year.

[Rory Scovel]

In any other state, that would be the Florida man.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. Wow. All right. Rory's. Rory is like. I think he's definitely in the lead in the second round, so. Lane, you're up.

[Lane Rose]

Okay.

[Rory Scovel]

This feels good. Thank you, Michael J. Fox.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Who are you picking?

[Lane Rose]

I'm going to go with my friend Elena's birthday because she's also born in November, so Scorpio's kind of crazy.

[Rory Scovel]

Scorpios unite.

[Lane Rose]

November 15th, Florida man. Oh, that's. That's a sad one.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, well.

[Lane Rose]

Florida man sentenced to 80 years for producing and distributing child sexual abuse.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, God, no.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, you actually lose points. You lose points if it's sad, man.

[Josh Dean]

That's the only one.

[Lane Rose]

The monkey whisper comes up again.

[Josh Dean]

What? I don't know why he's back at it.

[Lane Rose]

And then second charge, this one. Florida man makes himself a snack while robbing a Taco Bell. I don't think that's gonna be Rory's.

[Josh Dean]

I don't think so either. But I'm curious.

[Rory Scovel]

I need to know. I do want to know the details of that.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, so it's. According to cbs news.com, south Florida police are searching for a man who was captured on video helping himself to a snack as he robbed Taco Bell in the Boynton Beach Mall. He's believed to be responsible for at least two burglaries there in the last month. He went for some cash, but he couldn't resist the pre fried tostada shells as well.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So did he, like, make himself a full taco? Like he's. It's like, while you guys get the money together, I'm going to be over here making a taco.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, it seemed from. From the way that's phrased, it seems like he just helped himself to the taco shell.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, well, that's not making yourself a snack.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, that's.

[Josh Dean]

That's typical news media blowing it out of proportion.

[Rory Scovel]

He honestly was kind of a little lazy about his choice of snack options.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, I know.

[Josh Dean]

He should have been like, where's the Seven Layer burrito? Where do you guys keep the Seven Layer?

[Lane Rose]

At least dip it in the nacho cheese, you know?

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, like a big dunk with it.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

All right, Lane. Well, I think I lost. I think Rory rallied, charged from behind to take the title. Rory.

[Rory Scovel]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

Congratulations, Rory.

[Rory Scovel]

Thank you. Nude zombie guy.

[Josh Dean]

That one.

[Lane Rose]

I mean, he had biting an ear off in a wheelbarrow and nude zombie kissing elderly women.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah. And what you don't know is that this was the same guy in both stories.

[Josh Dean]

I had a great merch idea. We should do Florida Man Mad Libs. It'd be hard to top reality, though. Like.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, you wouldn't be able to. It would actually kind of ruin it.

[Lane Rose]

It's funny you say Florida Mad Libs, because that might be what the game is.

[Josh Dean]

What?

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah, I'm not even Florida Mad Libs.

[Josh Dean]

After the break, the final segment on the first annual crimeless Florida Man Off. And I think I've already spoiled the surprise. I can't wait.

[Lane Rose]

An organic spoil.

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[Josh Dean]

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[Rory Scovel]

Healthcare just got less painful. Ryan Reynolds here from IT Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail]

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[Josh Dean]

Hello and welcome back to Crimeless, a safe haven for the celebration of all Florida men and women. What's our final segment this week? Lane, Rory, time for the theme song.

[Lane Rose]

Lane sky, you cut. You were on to something, Josh, because I have a Mad Libs of sorts. But first, a little history. Florida's state song was written by Stephen Foster. A man who is considered the father of American music could be considered America's first. First full time songwriter. Oh, he wrote over 200 songs in his life. He lived to be 37, which is like geez, wow, a lot of songs. I'd say.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Lane Rose]

And you would recognize a lot of them. We got oh Susanna, Hard Times, Come Again, no More, Camptown Races and Beautiful Dreamer.

[Rory Scovel]

I'll bet he is crushing it On Spotify.

[Lane Rose]

He was born 1826.

[Josh Dean]

All right.

[Rory Scovel]

He'll never see any of that Spotify money, and neither will any other musician.

[Lane Rose]

So he's kind of got a problematic legacy. He wrote a lot of songs for minstrel groups. Boo. And his lyrics.

[Josh Dean]

Problematic?

[Lane Rose]

Yep. Lyrics featured a lot of Southern themes, despite the fact that he'd never ventured south of the Mason Dixon line.

[Josh Dean]

Nothing better than Southern themes in the 19th century. I'm sure. Those were great. Yeah.

[Rory Scovel]

I can't even imagine what you mean by Southern themes.

[Lane Rose]

That's just what I'm gonna leave it at.

[Rory Scovel]

I assume you mean apple pie on a windowsill.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. But that didn't stop him from writing Florida State Song, which was originally commissioned for a minstrel group. Again, boo, the song was incredibly racist and weird considering he'd never been to Florida. But racist and weird does seem on brand for the state.

[Josh Dean]

Extremely. That was what they used to have on the license plates, I think.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. Racist and weird. So. And this song is still technically Florida State song, written in 1851. So we're gonna do a Mad Lib to recreate Florida State Song so it's a little more accur. More up to date.

[Josh Dean]

We're gonna. We're gonna take out the racist parts.

[Lane Rose]

I hope so. The racist parts were rewritten a couple years ago.

[Rory Scovel]

A couple years ago?

[Lane Rose]

I would say within the last 30 years.

[Rory Scovel]

So, yeah, you don't want to rush to it, you know, you wanna cherish it.

[Lane Rose]

So I've actually inputted the song into a Mad Libs, Mad Libs app. The song, the only thing I've kept intact, really, is the title of the song, which is called Old Folks at Home.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, perfect title for a Florida theme song.

[Lane Rose]

I know. Yeah, he nailed that part. Okay, I'm looking for a body of water.

[Rory Scovel]

Gulf of America.

[Lane Rose]

How about a body part?

[Josh Dean]

Armpit.

[Lane Rose]

Oh, I need a verb.

[Rory Scovel]

Discombobulate.

[Lane Rose]

Place.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, any place.

[Lane Rose]

Any place.

[Rory Scovel]

Florida.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, that's what I heard first. I'm gonna need another verb. Verb.

[Josh Dean]

Raffle. Yes.

[Rory Scovel]

Very on brand.

[Lane Rose]

Another location or place.

[Rory Scovel]

Waffle House.

[Lane Rose]

Adjective.

[Josh Dean]

Squirrely.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Rory Scovel]

Nice.

[Lane Rose]

Good, good.

[Rory Scovel]

Josh, have you already played this game?

[Lane Rose]

Another body part.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, God, how can I push the envelope? Earlobe.

[Josh Dean]

All right, I like it.

[Lane Rose]

Another place. This is gonna be so sped up in post.

[Josh Dean]

Hobby Lobby.

[Rory Scovel]

No, no, I say we keep it at real pace.

[Josh Dean]

People are gonna love this.

[Lane Rose]

Hobby Lobby. Cool. Verb.

[Rory Scovel]

Water ski.

[Lane Rose]

State of being. I don't remember why. What? That.

[Josh Dean]

How about chill.

[Lane Rose]

Chill. I'm so chill.

[Josh Dean]

Just like your dogs.

[Lane Rose]

Another adjective Please.

[Rory Scovel]

Large noun.

[Josh Dean]

Toe jam. Interesting.

[Lane Rose]

I'm gonna ask for, like, a title of a person.

[Rory Scovel]

Like a comptroller.

[Lane Rose]

Love it. Some sort of structure.

[Josh Dean]

Walmart. Is that a structure? I think it is.

[Rory Scovel]

I was gonna say church, and we said the same thing.

[Lane Rose]

Landscape. Feature.

[Rory Scovel]

Dune. Can a dune be a null?

[Josh Dean]

All right, null's a funnier word.

[Rory Scovel]

Yeah.

[Lane Rose]

Another verb, please.

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, man, I love that you and I both keep saying oh, man on verbs as though we only know so many verbs.

[Josh Dean]

Are there any more verbs?

[Rory Scovel]

I think we got them.

[Lane Rose]

All of them.

[Rory Scovel]

Can we reuse verbs?

[Josh Dean]

Is skee daddle a verb?

[Rory Scovel]

Oh, I count it for sure.

[Lane Rose]

An animal, please.

[Rory Scovel]

Gator.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, good one.

[Lane Rose]

A place that that animal would visit.

[Josh Dean]

The swamp.

[Lane Rose]

Swamp. I'm gonna ask you for another verb.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, Jesus.

[Rory Scovel]

Cherish.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, two more. I need an instrument and a verb related to noise making.

[Rory Scovel]

Fiddle.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, good one.

[Rory Scovel]

And I'll leave the. I'll leave the verb to verb related.

[Josh Dean]

Listen. Banging.

[Rory Scovel]

Bang.

[Josh Dean]

I guess.

[Rory Scovel]

Bang.

[Josh Dean]

All right, this is gonna make a song.

[Lane Rose]

I mean, I'm not. The song's not gonna be played, but I'm gonna read you the lyrics.

[Rory Scovel]

Not a song, Josh. The song. And Lane will now sing it.

[Josh Dean]

We gotta put this to music somehow. And in fact, we did. Just popping in here from the future to say that Lane took our mad libbed lyrics for the Florida State song and found a very affordable freelancer on Fiverr who put our poetry to music and that work of art. The Crimeless update of Florida's state Song will be released as a bonus episode later this week. So check back for that and spread it far and wide. Maybe we can harness the power of popular sentiment and get it adopted as Florida's new official state song. We can dream. All right, well, we're gonna condense that down to, like, two minutes. Congratulations, Rory, champion of the first annual Crimeless Florida Man Off. Lane, I think we're gonna give you second. Me and the rooster, me and Big Roof, Big Roo. We're following people like we always do.

[Rory Scovel]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

All right, thanks, guys. Bye. Crimeless is a production of Smartless Media, Campside Media, and Big Money Players in partnership with iHeart podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scovel and me, Josh Deem. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Stiminoff is our associate producer. This episode was written by Michael Canyon Meyer, and me, Josh Dean. We're sound designed and engineered by Blake Brook with support from Ewan Leitramuin. Mark McAdam composed our theme song. The executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriadas, Matt Scher and me, Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart podcast and Big Money Players are Jack O', Brien, Lindsey Hoffman and Matt Apodaca. For Smartless Media, the executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes and Richard Korson. Bernie Kaminski is head of production. The associate producer is Matty McCann. A special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and Sabina Martin. Do you have a question, comment or confession for the Crimeless team? Email [e-mail] and if you enjoyed Crimeless, please rate and review the show wherever you get your podcasts. It helps people find the show and also makes us feel validated. Unless you're mean, in which case keep it to yourself. We'll see you next week. Crimeless Nation.

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You know what quality feels like. You can see it in the way a fabric moves, recognize it in a flawless fit, and appreciate it in the details that make our styles unique. That kind of quality doesn't happen by accident. It happens with imagination, creativity and intention. At Coldwater Creek, it's the design standard we've honored for over 40 years. Our rich mountain heritage has shaped how we think about clothing from the very beginning, with a commitment to quality that never quits exceptional fabrics considered design silhouettes, we've made our own the signature touches that set each piece apart and styles that are distinctively Coldwater Creek. For a wardrobe unit you can count on season after season, visit coldwatercreek.com shop new arrivals and save 15% on purchases. $75 or more with code iHeart. I tell myself it's not about comparing. But then I start wondering, what can they lift? Are they adding more weight to their barbell than I am? And suddenly I'm not training. Then I realize my journey is not the theirs I've earned every step. So I smile. My smile is the shape resilience takes to keep me moving. To put more smiles out into the world. Colgate has supported female athletes for over 50 years with the Colgate Women's Games, the nation's longest running indoor track and field series for girls and women. Colgate, your smile is your strength.

[Rory Scovel]

This is Danielle Fishel, Rider Strong, and Will Friedle from Pod Meets World. Let's talk Chewy.

[Josh Dean]

Yes.

[Ad Voice]

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[Rory Scovel]

food, treats, toys, beds.

[Josh Dean]

And as a dog and a cat mom, I can go to Chewy for literally anything I need. And it ships fast.

[Rory Scovel]

And Chewy's customer service is unreal. Day or night, they're ready to help. You know what else I love? They handle prescriptions, pet insurance, telehealth, vet visits, and they're rolling out vet clinics across the country for life with pets.

[Josh Dean]

The answer is chewy.

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[Lane Rose]

an I Heart podcast.

[Rory Scovel]

Guaranteed human.