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Rory Scoville
Guaranteed Human.
Josh Dean
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Rory Scoville
profile would be my DUI pick.
Josh Dean
Campsite media smart. All right, well, I'm going to start today with a very hard hitting personal question. Rory, have you ever gotten a dui.
Rory Scoville
I have not.
Josh Dean
Okay.
Rory Scoville
But, boy, have I gotten close. I've been eligible and I'm not proud of that, even though I just said it as though I'm proud. I'm not. But I have been eligible as many of us, and I'm fortunate that I changed my ways.
Josh Dean
I wouldn't have judged you even if you had. And I'm not judging you now that you almost have.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Commercial Voice 1
Thank you.
Rory Scoville
Thank you for this safe space.
Josh Dean
And you'd be in some fine company if you had because I'm just going to give you a short list of famous people who've.
Rory Scoville
I'll go ahead and answer right away. Florida, if that's the question.
Josh Dean
Well, that's coming up, so wait.
Rory Scoville
Right. Yeah.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Oh, that answer's later.
Josh Dean
I'm just running through a list here. We're not going to get into the details until the end. So we'll start with, of course, Britney Spears arrested under suspicion last week. Again, as we are recording this, at least DUI under suspicion of she's previously had them. And she was arrested on Sunset Boulevard, I believe, which is streets where celebrities are most commonly picked up.
Rory Scoville
That's right. Yeah.
Josh Dean
Then there's Justin Bieber, who got a DUI in 2014, when I feel like he must have been very young.
Commercial Voice 1
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Then he posed for one of my all time favorite mug shots was, I'm going to share with you now, or Lane is going to. If she can look at that guy.
Rory Scoville
I actually like that quite a bit.
Josh Dean
I do, too. He looks so happy and good and like.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
It's also a different Bieber. Those are more innocent.
Rory Scoville
Bieber. I got to say, I went through a phase of being like, you know what? Screw this guy. But the more that I. I've thought about it in my older age, like this guy was a millionaire who as a teenager had millions of dollars and was in charge of adults and was. Obviously you'd be a bit of a dick, of course, because all of us who did not have millions of dollars and were not in charge of adults, we were also dicks with no power.
Josh Dean
Exactly. I think it's amazing when a young successful person turns out normally because it's almost impossible.
Lane Rose
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
And I mean, I don't know him and you could tell me my perception of him is awful. But I don't know, I kind of like his music now and I feel like he's turned it around and I think he's kind of like, oh, man, I grew up under very bizarre circumstances.
Josh Dean
Yeah. I mean, I think he was like, 12 years old when he became extremely famous.
Rory Scoville
Yes. Like, his whole life has been in his spotlight.
Josh Dean
All right, well, speaking of young people who didn't handle fame very well, we also have. We had Paris Hilton in 2006, Khloe Kardashian in 2007, Lindsay Lohan in 2008, who I believe really struggled with. Again, way too much, too young.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Here the bit of a surprise, we had Michael Phelps in 2014, who was pulled over doing 84 and a 45.
Rory Scoville
I mean, guys, he only knows speed.
Amy Eric
True.
Rory Scoville
Because of the gold medals and. And being the fastest and whatnot.
Josh Dean
Oh, he was swimming.
Lady Luck
He was.
Rory Scoville
He was swimming at 84 miles.
Josh Dean
It was an SUI.
Rory Scoville
I think I'm okay with Michael Phelps. I mean, if you're a gold Olympian, like, what are we going to do? You can't wrangle those people.
Josh Dean
Well, speaking of athletes, we had Tiger woods, who's passed out behind the wheel in south Florida in 2017. He pretty much immediately went to rehab because I think that may not have been the only time turned it around. And then one of the Most famous celebrity DUIs has to be Nick Nolte because of his mug shot, which I'm going to share. I think you might remember this one had to inspire a lot of Halloween costumes.
Rory Scoville
I. A million percent remember it. And the hair, the face. It's fine. Where were you? Where everyone was okay with that shirt. You don't have one friend. You don't have one friend.
Josh Dean
It's the shirt, not the hair.
Rory Scoville
For you, the hair. I'm fine with the hair, honestly. Tell me you just got out of the shower, but that shirt, that tells me you just got out of the sun.
Josh Dean
My question about the hair. It looks like it would be very thin and kind of stringy, and yet it's stuck out to the sides as if it's been hairsprayed.
Rory Scoville
It does look like he put product in it that he doesn't know what to do with. Yeah, he thought you just put it in that you don't have to shape it. Also, who's to say he wasn't recently electrocuted?
Josh Dean
That is the other explanation. Also, the shirt. The pattern on the shirt doesn't exactly line up right. See, that yellow flower is just cut in half, and it runs into a pink flower. What's happening?
Rory Scoville
The top button seems strange with the collar. It kind of makes me feel like this is where Tim Robinson got the idea for that sketch from. I think you should leave the crazy shirt sketch.
Josh Dean
Well, you're gonna like this shirt. Even more when I tell you the backstory behind his arrest. Yeah, he wasn't actually drunk. He was on the club drug, GHB at the time. And here's what he wrote about it in his memoir titled Rebel. I took GHB prior to going to the gym for a long workout. He writes, a strong dose made me feel great, yet I knew I was repeating with GHB the addictive cycle I'd been in before. After the gym, Nick went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at a church near his house, and he started to feel extremely high during the meeting. So he's at AA. The GHB's really kicking in now. He barely remembers driving home. Six different drivers called 911 to report him and he was arrested on his way home from an AA meeting.
Commercial Voice 1
Yeah.
Josh Dean
So he owned it all. Later, I think he acknowledges the meme that he became.
Rory Scoville
I don't know enough about ghb, so I don't know if it. If it's one of those things that gives you a high and you drive like a lunatic, but if six people are calling, things aren't great. I'm like, what? What were you doing? What were you doing?
Josh Dean
And then two summers ago, we had Justin Timberlake out in Sag Harbor.
Rory Scoville
Oh, I forgot about that.
Josh Dean
This mug shot became a meme. We'll show you this one, too. I don't know if you remember this one. Looking a little glassy eyed.
Rory Scoville
That looks so. AI.
Josh Dean
It does. You're right.
Rory Scoville
It looks like someone was hired to do a Madame Trousseau's of Jude Law, but screwed it up. Like, was aiming for Jude Law and then had to settle on Timberlake.
Josh Dean
Like, the eyes do look AI. Even though I believe they're also just glassy, because I think they're just glassy.
Rory Scoville
He's probably baked. I'm not going to lie. I genuinely think this is a good looking photo.
Josh Dean
It is a good looking picture.
Rory Scoville
Like, if I looked like that, I would send that out as my headshot.
Josh Dean
That would be your Tinder profile pick.
Rory Scoville
My Tinder profile would be my DUI pick.
Josh Dean
I mean, I agree. It's like Bieber's. Bieber look great too.
Rory Scoville
Like, I mean, look, good hair, good facial hair. I like the salt and pepper he's doing with the chin there.
Josh Dean
It's good. Yeah, I agree.
Rory Scoville
It's a good look.
Josh Dean
Well, the Internet had a lot of fun with this one.
Rory Scoville
He's got perfect ears. Really? Look at that. Look at how perfect his ears are.
Josh Dean
We're going to Put this one on the Instagram with.
Rory Scoville
I already knew Justin Timberlake was attractive. Like, we all know that. It's a part of his brand. But this is a good, mature, attractive.
Josh Dean
Like, he's aged into his look.
Rory Scoville
He's aged into it. Nice.
Josh Dean
Nti, not so much.
Rory Scoville
No. So let that be a lesson, folks. Pot over thc, over ghb.
Josh Dean
Yeah, the Internet had fun with this one because. And I don't know how you totally approve this, but supposedly the cop who pulled him over didn't recognize him. And when JT said, this is going to ruin the tour, the cop said, what tour?
Rory Scoville
I do remember that.
Josh Dean
And he supposedly said, the world tour, which, by the way, was his first tour in five years. Kind of a big deal. So he was freaking out. I think that this DUI could legitimately screw up this. As someone who's been out on tour. Yeah, it could be a problem if you have to cancel a bunch of dates, I think, Right?
Commercial Voice 1
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
But I don't think anything got disrupted, right?
Cal Penn
No.
Josh Dean
In the end, he pleaded guilty to a lesser charge, a DW AI, which stands for Driving with Ability impaired. Which sounds kind of like a bullshit lawyer thing.
Rory Scoville
I love that AI is in there after we said that. Oh, driving while Artificially intelligent.
Josh Dean
Driving with Ability impaired. Seems kind of like the same thing.
Rory Scoville
It does seem like that cop made it up really quick just to get a selfie once he found out who it was. I'm going to give you a DWAI712.
Josh Dean
He was also fined, and he had ordered to complete 25 hours of community service. And he had to make a PSA about the dangers of driving while impaired.
Rory Scoville
There you go.
Josh Dean
So how did he dodge the lesser charge? He hired a very good lawyer. There's a pretty famous lawyer out in
Rory Scoville
the Hamptons that he could easily afford.
Josh Dean
Which brings me to a fun follow up. Okay, question.
Rory Scoville
Great.
Josh Dean
What is the best way to get out of a dui? And I will not accept. Hire the same lawyer as Justin Timberlake.
Rory Scoville
You're talking about in the moment.
Josh Dean
Yeah, in the moment.
Rory Scoville
I don't know.
Josh Dean
Run.
Rory Scoville
Okay. That's the best way. That's the best way that works out.
Josh Dean
Often run from cops?
Rory Scoville
Definitely. While impaired.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
When you're definitely at your worst in running.
Josh Dean
Imagine that. Nick Nolte running.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, I mean, that'd be pretty funny. I mean, if it's really ghb, I'd kind of like to see it.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Like, Jesus, he just climbed that tree like a gorilla.
Commercial Voice 1
Wow.
Josh Dean
Or just like, he just Kool Aid man through A chain link fence just like.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Josh Dean
All right, so I do have an answer for this, but I'm going to make you wait until after the titles because this week on Crimeless, we are making like Justin Timberlake and beating our DUIs, sort of. Okay, stay tuned. Hello and welcome to Crimeless, the podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals and gives you the best possible legal advice for when you're pulled over for suspicion of driving under the influence. P.S. for the lawyers.
Rory Scoville
That's a joke.
Josh Dean
Don't drink and drive.
Rory Scoville
Don't do that.
Josh Dean
Folks, we're not celebrating the actions here. We're celebrating the aftermath.
Rory Scoville
We know we're having fun over here, but it's just that it's just some good verbal fun.
Josh Dean
No one was injured in any of these stories. That doesn't mean it's okay.
Rory Scoville
That's right.
Josh Dean
So, okay. I did wonder after thinking about jt, if there's a foolproof way to beat the rap if you ever do make this mistake. And I think I found the perfect case. Okay, for this one, we're going to leave the US and head all the way to South Korea, to Daegu.
Rory Scoville
Daegu or Daegu did not see this coming at all.
Josh Dean
In Daegu, South Korea, a 60 year old man is pulled over by cops who suspected that he'd been driving drunk. But this man was quick on his feet. He pulled over and he came up with a very clever plan to beat the rap. Any guess?
Rory Scoville
I really don't know. I don't know how you do it.
Josh Dean
Okay. He got out of the car and he chugged an entire bottle of soju in, according to witnesses who testified in court. 39 seconds.
Rory Scoville
That's a. Okay, I like this. I like what I'm hearing here.
Josh Dean
I don't know how big the bottle was, but 39 seconds. I guess he gets up, makes sure that they can see him and he chugs the bottle.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
So, yeah, I guess he's thinking, well, yeah, I'm going to blow. I'm going to fail this thing. But if I drink this bottle, then they don't know. What if I just got drunk now?
Rory Scoville
Yes. Right? Yeah.
Josh Dean
But the cops weren't deterred. They felt like they could still nail this guy. So we're going to get a little sciency. They took his blood alcohol at the station about 40 minutes later and used something called the Widmark formula.
Commercial Voice 2
Okay.
Josh Dean
To try and figure out how much booze he had before he chugged the soju so, as, of course, you know, the Widmark formula is named for the Swedish scientist Eric M.P. widmark.
Rory Scoville
I was going to say, because I was like, if you don't tell this audience, I'm going to tell them who
Josh Dean
was, of course, as you know, a pioneer in the field of forensic toxicology.
Rory Scoville
Forensic toxicology. Yeah.
Josh Dean
Yeah. And he figured out a way to calculate alcohol's absorption, distribution, and elimination in people to come up with a formula that can use a person's current blood alcohol and some other factors to estimate their blood alcohol at an earlier point of time in DUI cases.
Rory Scoville
Wow.
Josh Dean
So the Widmark formula calculates BAC using weight, gender, and the amount of alcohol consumed in a certain period. Stick with me here. The formula is as follows. Okay. When blood alcohol content equals alcohol consumed in grams, divided by body weight in grams times r times 100. When r equals gender. I got that.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, I. Obviously, I've got it.
Josh Dean
Yeah. Okay, so, by the way, r is gender. 0.55 for females and 0.68 for males.
Rory Scoville
Still with me. Okay, Duh. Right, Everybody that's listening. Duh.
Josh Dean
And grams of alcohol consumed is the number of drinks times 14.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, we all know. We all know that.
Josh Dean
It gets a little more complicated than that. Rory and I would need a chalkboard to explain. We'll save that for a bonus.
Rory Scoville
Oh, it gets more complicated than that. Okay, good.
Josh Dean
Good to know you got that part, right?
Rory Scoville
Good to know.
Josh Dean
0.55.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Podcast Announcer
Okay.
Josh Dean
One really fun fact I did learn is that everyone metabolizes alcohol at the same rate. It's 0.015 an hour, no matter who you are.
Rory Scoville
Oh, okay.
Josh Dean
Don't know how that is helpful to us, but that's interesting.
Rory Scoville
It is interesting. It does make it feel like the. The playing field is level. For some reason, I would have thought
Josh Dean
Nick Nolte metabolized it faster than Beaver, but no. Yeah, at the same rate, but no.
Rory Scoville
They're the same.
Josh Dean
Okay. Anyway, the Korean cops used this formula to determine that his blood alcohol before chugging the soju was above the legal limit at 0.03 and charged him. So our guy doesn't take it. He decides to go to court and fight.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
And guess what, Rory? He won.
Rory Scoville
He wins. He wins.
Josh Dean
He wins. The judge decided it was impossible to determine how intoxicated the man was while driving based on circumstantial evidence or speculation. So he won.
Rory Scoville
So this judge was like, I don't care about your science. That does explain it.
Josh Dean
Get this. Get this Swedish guy. Get Widmark out of my courtroom.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, I guess. I mean, there you go.
Josh Dean
This, like, mumbo jumbo. Swedish science.
Rory Scoville
You know, this does remind me of when I was hit in a hit and run when I was in high school. I was going through an intersection that had just turned green, and someone was running through the red light. It spun my car, and then they drove off, and other cars followed them to get their license plate. And I remember when I met with the police officer before the. The court date, which they did not show up for. The officer said when he went to their house, he was like. They had clearly been drinking heavily. However, you cannot prove when they were drinking. And so they could easily argue they got into the accident, were so frazzled, went home, and started drinking as much as they could. And I was like, oh, that's. Yeah, I didn't know about Widmark as a high school kid. I would've go, I believe there is one test we can run, Mr. Widmark, perhaps. Yeah.
Josh Dean
Well, it's like you told that story because you knew it was coming next. You've teed up my good here.
Rory Scoville
Here we go.
Josh Dean
Because before you stuff your glove box full of soju and try this at home, I would be remiss if I didn't point out a different Korean story that pokes some holes in this strategy as a magic bullet. So this one is hot off the press. Just this month, a Korean actor named Lee Jae Rong, he's 62, was in the news for a similar story. He apparently ran into a divider, but took off and parked at his house, then went and met a friend for drinks. So that when cops caught up with him, he claimed he'd done all his drinking after the accident.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
Cops found Lee at a friend's house about 2am, three hours after the crash. They took his blood alcohol, and it was allegedly high enough that he would lose his license if. If convicted. He claimed that he'd just been drinking with his friend. So basically, what you described, that person did. Yeah, he did. He's like, I'm going to park, get out of the car, go somewhere, and get drunk.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
Well, in this case, unfortunately, I guess Lee caved under pressure because he later admitted that he was drinking. He'd had four drinks before hitting the median. Want to guess what kind?
Rory Scoville
What kind of drinks? Yeah. Is it always soju, the soju guy?
Josh Dean
I guess that's what everyone's drinking in Korea.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
So cops charged him not only with dui, but also with obstructing a breath test by something called alcohol rinsing.
Rory Scoville
Oh.
Josh Dean
According to the Korean Road Traffic act, using alcohol or pharmaceuticals for the purpose of making a breath test difficult is punishable by one to five years in prison or a fine of five to 20 million won. The provision was introduced after the case of singer Kim Hujong, who sought to evade punishment with alcohol rinsing following a drunken driving crash in 2024 and has been in effect since June of last year. So you no longer. That one guy got in before the law changed.
Rory Scoville
He got it just under the wire.
Josh Dean
Just under the wire. So this guy Kim, who's described as a papara singer. I guess that's pop opera.
Rory Scoville
That now. Now I'm learning. Now you're teaching Josh. I didn't know that was a thing.
Josh Dean
I did not either. I also learned that. So Kim, the papara singer really ruined it for everyone. He crashed into a taxi, then ran and made his manager take the fall for the accident, as one does.
Commercial Voice 2
Yeah.
Lane Rose
All right.
Josh Dean
You ever pinned a crime or two on your manager?
Rory Scoville
I will now. Now that I know that's an option.
Josh Dean
So Kim bought beer, checked into a hotel, and drank it, to quote, apparently distort his blood alcohol content. According to a Korean news report. This backfired in a big way because Kim was caught and charged. He got 2.5 years in jail. Man, don't try this at home, folks. And definitely not in Korea.
Rory Scoville
Not in Korea.
Josh Dean
He made it so much worse for himself, in fact, by throwing his manager under the bus, going to a hotel, drinking more, and trying to pretend that he hadn't been drinking in the first place.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
He probably would have just paid a fine and maybe lost his license. Instead, he spent two and a half years in jail.
Rory Scoville
You know, the universe has different stories for each of us. Different paths.
Josh Dean
Often it's like when you screw up, you gotta just own it.
Rory Scoville
It is best to own it as soon as possible.
Josh Dean
It does not work out. Often when you try and, like, make up a lie, it doesn't. So our next story isn't exactly on theme. It isn't the story of a guy who got a away. But it's a spiritual cousin. It's a guy who got away temporarily. Okay, I'm going to play a video for you while lane is. It's 48 seconds. Stop, stop.
Lane Rose
Give you a drink.
Malcolm Glebel
That's it.
Josh Dean
He's drinking some. Look like a beer or something.
Rory Scoville
What did that do?
Josh Dean
I don't know. I have questions.
Lane Rose
Took his bumper off.
Rory Scoville
Show me your hands now. Oh, wow. Did not see this Montage coming.
Josh Dean
Did you see him blow smoke out? He was tased. A lot of stupid right now,
Rory Scoville
You know? You know, I mean, what a good attitude outside of the wreck rate. Could have easily killed somebody.
Josh Dean
What did you see there, Rory? Can you sum up what you think transpired there?
Rory Scoville
I am shocked at how casual this scop is. He's like, I got other guys out there. Look, the guy in the van drives by, holds his beer out the window, says hi, and drives off. And the cop doesn't even jump in the. The police cruiser to quickly go after him. And I guess eventually he. I don't know, he was driving so slow in the opposite lane. He was for sure, like, up and.
Josh Dean
And then he called ahead and they did something. They put a string across the road. I don't understand what that.
Rory Scoville
I don't know what's going on with the string, but as the car was hitting it, I was like, is he. Is that a human just holding a string against the car? Like, what is this about to do? It must have done something.
Josh Dean
They're like, oh, that didn't work.
Rory Scoville
Ah, the old measuring tape. We thought the measuring tape would contain the 5 ton.
Josh Dean
So then what happened when he got out of the car?
Rory Scoville
He just started walking with a cigarette. And then they tased him.
Josh Dean
And then he got up, but he wasn't mad, and he wasn't even mad.
Rory Scoville
They got him up and he was like, y' all had fun, right? To the cops. And he asked what he's getting arrested for, and as though they had time to list the 400 different things. Right? He did seem cool as a cucumber, though.
Josh Dean
He did. I mean, the Taser is no joke. He just dropped like a. Like he'd been killed.
Rory Scoville
The Taser is no joke. And it did seem like he just. I don't know, it seemed like he wants to go to jail. He had sort of a go ahead, let's do it. I'm ready. I'm finally ready.
Josh Dean
Well, sort of like our guy we were talking about, the man who stops traffic in Wales who just seems to want to go to jail over and over again. Maybe this guy likes jail and you're
Rory Scoville
just kind of like, I mean, look, why don't we give it to him? Why don't we go. We want them in jail. They seem to want to be in jail. This seems like win, win, truly.
Josh Dean
So, okay, I'm going to. I have some more information. I can fill in the gaps for us a little bit here. For starters, a layup. Where did this happen?
Rory Scoville
Rory let's go ahead and go. Florida, Wales or South Korea?
Josh Dean
Florida. It was Highlands County, Florida, April of last year. The sheriff's department posted that video with this title, Strange things happen all the time when you're in law enforcement. This one, however, might make the books. Yeah, I'm just reading. This is all straight from the Highlands County Sheriff's Facebook page. It all started just before 3 on Saturday, April 19, when the Spring Lake Market reported that 39 year old Richard Christopher Smith of Miami had stolen several items, including several alcoholic beverages and walked out as deputies were on the way. It was reported that the man was in a black minivan driving in circles around the store.
Rory Scoville
It seems like he was playing a ton of Grand Theft Auto and it blurred the lines between the game and reality. Oh, here we go again.
Josh Dean
So to recap, it starts with Smith goes into a store, steals booze, gets in his minivan and starts hot dogging around the parking lot.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
So the post continues, when deputies arrived, Smith sped off launching a pursuit that ended several miles later in the parking lot of a business at the Sebring airport. It was during this pursuit Smith held out a can of kettle one vodka spritz. As he drove by a deputy trying to get him to stop saying I was just going to give you a drink. That's it. As he passed. Yeah, we don't know if he was expecting us to just say cheers and let him go or what. I'm still quoting here.
Rory Scoville
From the.
Josh Dean
After his toast, Smith attempted to ram two patrol vehicles in the midst of getting all four tires flattened by spike strip. Oh, they were laying spike strips.
Rory Scoville
It seemed like they were a little late to it, didn't it?
Josh Dean
I think they were, they were too late. He beat, he got again gta. He got there like he beat the spike strips.
Rory Scoville
He knew, he knew because of the GTA training.
Josh Dean
So the gtat, finally he crashes. He gets out with a drink and he's smoking a cigarette and he gets tased. Yeah, hilariously, it just dropped like a sniper. It hit him.
Rory Scoville
I think a lot of people, you need to know this if you haven't seen footage of people getting tased. And I gotta assume you have by now with social media. But keep in mind, when you get tased, you can't control your arms to keep your face from slamming into the pavement. Pavement. Yeah, you hope. Grass.
Josh Dean
He was lucky actually, because it was pavement.
Rory Scoville
So when they bring him up, he's got a bloody face because of that tasing, I believe.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
You can't shield your yourself, you're also proudly being tased so hard you don't even feel the impact of the ground. But you definitely are going to get scratched up.
Josh Dean
I'm going to guess people piss themselves, possibly crap their pants too.
Rory Scoville
I. I would just take the opportunity to be like, that's why I did that.
Josh Dean
It wasn't my fault. It was unconscious. He was charged with two counts of aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer, battery on a law enforcement officer, two counts of resisting arrest, dui, refusal to submit to a DUI test, and petit theft. I guess not below a certain amount. His bond was set at $120,000 and the sheriff's Facebook page finishes. We would be very interested to hear from anyone else who's been offered a vodka spritzer by their suspect in the middle of a vehicle pursuit. Or that the same suspect calmly tried to walk away from a crash puffing on a cigarette despite being surrounded by deputies. Or yes, it keeps going. That same suspect asked why he was being arrested and commented the to the deputies. You guys had fun though, right? I mean they're definitely having fun on their social media.
Commercial Voice 2
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
So in a way he was right. He was. Did it mention what his like I, I guess he. That probably trial hasn't happened yet.
Josh Dean
That was not reported.
Rory Scoville
I am very curious what that the consequences of being
Josh Dean
I didn't have time to run the Woodmark formula either, unfortunately.
Rory Scoville
I was going to say and what do we get with the witty points? Do we have any witty points for this?
Josh Dean
Unclear. I don't think they even needed like he says he refused to take the test. I think they were just like, dude, you're drunk. Like clear.
Rory Scoville
Look. They were like, look, we'd actually rather not give you the test. It's a waste of time. We can look at you and know.
Josh Dean
This is one of the many things I'm learning on criminals is that some of our police departments have pretty good senses of humor. I was highly entertained by all of that.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, it is some strange they're allowed to post that, but I guess you just. I guess cops are just allowed to roast us.
Josh Dean
I think if. Yeah, because if body cam footage captured in the process of doing their jobs is.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, it seems so strange when they want to roast us, their body cam footage is on and working and retrieval. But when they're. When they're screwing up and doing something illegal somehow there's no body cam footage.
Josh Dean
This is our Crimeless gets Political segment.
Rory Scoville
That's our Crimeless Gets Political in America.
Josh Dean
But it's a very good point actually.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, yeah. It's interesting when they do and don't have body cam footage.
Josh Dean
Well, after the break, we're going to have more fun with you guys, which you should not do. Okay, just to be clear for the lawyers, we're not condoning, we're just laughing.
Malcolm Glebel
Yeah.
Hello? Hello, this is Malcolm Glabel from Smart talks with IBM. Today we're diving into a fascinating conversation with Stefano Pallard, head of fan development for Scuderia Ferrari hp.
Stefano Pallard
Your pronunciation is strongly American. It's more Scuderia Ferrari.
Malcolm Glebel
I'm still working on rolling my R's, but what I was able to learn from Stefano was the importance of engaging the Tifosi, the Ferrari superfans in the digital age.
Stefano Pallard
Ferrari fans and super fans want to be part of something, want to belong to something. So they want to be part of a community and ultimately they want to be part of a winning team.
Malcolm Glebel
You've got Ferrari, which has a long history, design history, and now you're interacting in a kind of digital space. I'm curious how you balance those two traditions.
Stefano Pallard
When it comes to fan engagement, it's really digital technology. And digital channels are being able to create a deeper connection with our fans.
Malcolm Glebel
To learn more about how Ferrari and IBM are using technology to build deeper connections with fans, visit IBM.com ferrari
Lady Luck
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Josh Dean
Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.
Amy Eric
Hello beautiful. I'm Amy Eric, founder of Madison Reed, a hair color company I named after my daughter. Over 5 million women have made the SW switch to our prestige hair color made with better ingredients. And Amazon prime day is your time to join them. Try our salon in a box for permanent all over color, our root touch up kit for a 10 minute root refresh or our hair and brow mascara to cover stray grays on the go. Shop Madison Reed on Amazon today. Confident, bold, unstoppable. That's the power of Madison Reed Nyx.
Podcast Announcer
That's Knix leak proof. Underwear is made for real life. Because when your day is already full, your underwear shouldn't be something you have to think about. Nyx gives you reliable leak proof protection that fits seamlessly into your routine for periods, for light bladder leaks, for workouts, for everyday freshness. Nyx leak proof underwear comes in a range of absorbencies from light to ultra. So if you need a little backup or all day protection, there's a pair for you. Unlike bulky protection, Nyx feels barely there with soft fabrics, moisture wicking layers and anti odor technology that keeps you feeling fresh and confident. Wear them to work, running errands, traveling, even overnight. Plus they're machine washable so you can wear them again and again. Find your perfect level of protection@knix.com and get 15% off with code FLO15 that's knix.com code FLO15 that's nyx.com this is Crimeless.
Josh Dean
Hello and welcome back to Crimlyss, your one stop shop for stories about fun ass DUIs. Just kidding. All DUIs are very serious.
Rory Scoville
All of them are not fun. They're maybe to talk about later.
Josh Dean
A couple yeah are fun.
Rory Scoville
Some are fun. We found the fun ones.
Josh Dean
Can you get a DUI for operating a vehicle that is not a car?
Rory Scoville
Yes.
Josh Dean
Yes, correct.
Rory Scoville
I believe you can. I think that's why it's driving under the influence to create some sort of umbrella of that action. Yeah.
Josh Dean
Yep.
Rory Scoville
Operating machinery, etc.
Josh Dean
For a good example, we are going to go to Florida.
Rory Scoville
I thought we were already there.
Josh Dean
I didn't do this on purpose.
Rory Scoville
We're not going there. We're. We're already. We're there from the previous thing.
Josh Dean
It's our spiritual home. We basically our PO box is in Florida. Yeah, just criminals care of Florida.
Rory Scoville
It's so funny too that during elections Florida is such a big like. And what did Florida vote? It's like, are these news stories not enough? Is it not clear that maybe they should have less representatives?
Josh Dean
I mean I don't think I need to tell you who our next subject suspect voted for. Okay, this is in 2012 so he wouldn't yet have had a chance. But let's say if he's still around, who he would he would vote for?
Rory Scoville
He would want to vote for.
Josh Dean
A 68 year old man named James David Gray was on his way home from cutting grass on his riding mower and he stopped to buy an 18 pack of natural ice because according to the Gainesville sun, he was hot and depressed.
Rory Scoville
Let me go ahead and put out a few opinions early. I'm okay with all of this. If we're going to consider natural ice alcohol then I mean it's mostly water folks. He's Thirsty.
Josh Dean
And he just cut grass.
Rory Scoville
He's on a riding grass. He wants a little bit of a buzz. What's the top speed of this lawnmower?
Josh Dean
Well, okay. A sheriff's deputy happened to be cruising through the neighborhood with when he saw Gray on the red mower going south in a northbound lane. So he was in a road.
Rory Scoville
I. Let me take back my previous statements.
Josh Dean
So I guess if he'd stayed on the sidewalk, maybe if you just gone through people's. If you just done a public service of cutting everyone else's grass on the way.
Rory Scoville
That feels like. So animated, like an episode of the Simpsons. Getting every front yard, like one long
Josh Dean
stripe, one big line.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
So this copy pulls him over. He found that he had bloodshot eyes and he was slurring. He also observed that his breath had a, quote, strong smell of alcohol. And there was a cold beer open in a cup holder.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
Gray told the cops he'd driven about two and a half miles from the store and he had only four beers left.
Rory Scoville
Okay. Okay. See what I mean? That's water.
Josh Dean
He had a half mile to go. So in two miles, he drank 14 beers on the lawnmower.
Rory Scoville
I believe him.
Josh Dean
Wow, that's.
Rory Scoville
I mean, his top speed is well true. I mean, he's crawling. This guy's crawling.
Josh Dean
What I don't know is, was he just crushing them and throwing them over his shoulder?
Rory Scoville
Did he leave a trail of crushed, even cooler litters? Kids, any kids that listen to this know that littering is so cool.
Josh Dean
So cool. In Florida.
Rory Scoville
In Florida for sure.
Josh Dean
So he failed a field sobriety test. He blew 0.14, nearly double the legal limit. He was charged with DUI. It was his fifth.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
The lawnmower was a rental and he had to return it. Oh, well, he was making. He was renting to own. He was making payments. He was going to buy it.
Rory Scoville
Got it. Got it.
Josh Dean
Okay. So now I had only planned to share one more of these, but I couldn't decide because there were so many. So I have two more non car DUI stories and you're going to hear both of them.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Josh Dean
We're going to temporarily bid farewell to Florida until next week when I'm sure we'll be back.
Lane Rose
Bye.
Malcolm Glebel
Bye.
Josh Dean
And this time we're going to go to jolly old England. We shouldn't sleep on the uk. Not Wales, but England. What is a dumber thing to be arrested in than a lawnmower?
Rory Scoville
Unicycle.
Josh Dean
An electric Barbie car.
Rory Scoville
Actually, a unicycle would be impressive.
Josh Dean
That's Impressive. If you can drink 14 beers and ride.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, I actually would. You should get a key to the city if you can do that.
Josh Dean
It's an electric Barbie car. Was the answer I was looking for.
Rory Scoville
Yes. Perfect.
Josh Dean
So let's hop in the wayback machine to 2010 for the story of a 40 year old named Paul Hutton who was pulled over by cops just down the street from his Essex home driving a Barbie car.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
When he appeared in court, Hutton said, you have to be a contortionist to get in and then you can't get out. I was very surprised to get done for drink driving, but I was a twit, to say the least. It is designed for three to five year olds.
Rory Scoville
Well, I mean, to come to that conclusion is wildly mature. Despite the visuals were set up to let you know that it was for three to five year olds.
Josh Dean
Listen, your honor. Yeah, I was a twit.
Rory Scoville
Also, you can go much faster by just walking.
Josh Dean
So lest you think Paul is a weirdo, he does have kids, four of them. The youngest is 11. Paul is a divorced former aeronautical engineer in the Royal Air Force who is furthering his studies in electrical engineering at Colchester University. He explained that as part of his coursework, he was modifying the car with his son, who was studying to be an auto mechanic. Okay, so they did some mods, including adding bigger wheels. And quote, when it was done, I couldn't resist the temptation to take it out.
Rory Scoville
He said, based on what you just said, I would also be very tempted.
Josh Dean
Unfortunately, he was drunk when he did it.
Rory Scoville
I know, but if I'm hanging out with my kid, we're building a car, I'm going to have a few drinks too, you know what I mean? Then we got to test drive it.
Josh Dean
You might have three or 14 natural ices.
Rory Scoville
I mean, the good news is this is the only DUI where he for sure can't kill anyone else. Only he can die in this scenario.
Josh Dean
I'm not even sure a dog would be killed in a Barbie cartoon.
Rory Scoville
I think a dog would. Yeah. Barely. Barely scraped.
Josh Dean
If anything, it goes like two miles an hour.
Rory Scoville
I want to see it in motion. I want to know how fast they modded this thing out.
Josh Dean
He blew twice. Illegal limb. He lost his license for three years. This is most unusual. Chairman of the Bench Neil Munson said as quoted by the Telegraph, I have never seen the like of it in 15 years on the bench. That vehicle is not even capable of doing the speed of a mobility scooter and. And could be outrun by a pedestrian,
Rory Scoville
which is why you almost want to be like, is it so bad?
Josh Dean
I know, I know. It's. Yeah, I'm sure. Why his lawyer, you think would have stood up and said, then what are we doing here?
Rory Scoville
It feels like you're arguing on our
Josh Dean
behalf, like, your honor, no one was in danger here. I guess their case would be like you were. You put yourself in danger. Like, you could have been killed.
Rory Scoville
Which is, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you're inspiring onlooking children to make poor choices.
Josh Dean
That's true. Yep. You gotta, gotta make an example of this, man.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. Yeah.
Josh Dean
All right, well, I do have one more for you. What's even dumber than a Barbie car?
Rory Scoville
Oh, man, that one felt so stupid. I don't know. Roller skates.
Josh Dean
I want to say I had some options here. There were more. I would have accepted multiples. We're going to go with motorized recliner.
Rory Scoville
It's getting very Mario Kart now.
Josh Dean
For this one, we're going to head to Minnesota, the town of Proctor. And back in August 20, 2008. 62 year old. It's always a guy in his 60s. Retirement is not.
Rory Scoville
Well, maybe that's just what happens. You hit your 60s and you're like, you know what? I'm not playing by the rules anymore.
Josh Dean
Fuck it. So a guy named Dennis Leroy Anderson left a bar and drove into a parked car in his vehicle. His vehicle was a recliner that had been modified by adding a lawnmower engine, headlights, a stereo and cup holders, plus some National Hot Rod association stickers. It's top street speed was 20 miles an hour.
Rory Scoville
And I actually kind of respect the out of that.
Josh Dean
I got a photo for you.
Rory Scoville
There it is.
Malcolm Glebel
Yes.
Rory Scoville
Yes. Oh, my God.
Josh Dean
Working headlights.
Rory Scoville
I love it. I actually love it.
Josh Dean
It's. Yeah, I mean, Rory. Describe it to anyone who's listening at home.
Rory Scoville
It looks like something you would love to have. It looks very fun. It does look like a secret cheat code in Mario Kart where you can drive a recliner. It's all black. The steering wheel is the most. The least desirable steering wheel you could ever imagine. But it's got, like, controls. It actually looks like. The fact that this thing functions is hilarious. The seating looks like a wood plank. I'd want to adjust that. I love that it has drink holders
Josh Dean
and the headlights are amazing.
Rory Scoville
I gotta tell you, you bring this to Burning man, you're making friends.
Josh Dean
Oh, my God, you're right. This should be at Burning Man.
Rory Scoville
Stuff like this is at Burning Man. Even better than this.
Josh Dean
So no one was injured but he did blow a 29, three times the legal limit. He pleaded guilty to drunk driving, got two years probation. Worst of all, cops seized the hot rod chair.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Yep. And the sheriff, the police chief said, we have confiscated luxury cars to junk four wheel drives, pickups, snowmobiles and trailers. But we never expected anything like this.
Rory Scoville
No. Yeah.
Josh Dean
Of course, a year later, his department put the chair up on ebay with a minimum price of 500 and bidding took off, reaching $43,000 before Proctor Police had to take it down because La Z Boy called and asked that it not be sold as a La Z Boy branded chair.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Their corporate counsel also contacted the Duluth Minnesota News Tribune and asked that it not use the trademark in news reports about the chair either. But I'm sorry, it's way too late to put that cat back in the bag.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
For the record, the police chief said the chair was custom built and that there are no markings or manufacturers names. Which is exactly what you say after you've heard from La Z Boy's lawyers.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Josh Dean
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
Rory Scoville
$43,000, man.
Josh Dean
He said, I'm going to make sure we get it relisted for the auction and keep any trademark names out of it. He said he reposted it as DUI chair, motorized chair and racing chair.
Rory Scoville
I mean, here's the thing. Why not go pay $1,000 and pay the original guy to just mod out?
Josh Dean
He could start a business and just
Rory Scoville
be like, this could be a job you have.
Josh Dean
That could be his retirement job.
Rory Scoville
Exactly.
Josh Dean
Oh, my God. People would buy the shit out of those chairs. Exactly.
Rory Scoville
Is it being $43,000 to the cops to go who know, buy more surveillance gear.
Josh Dean
So two more winning bids fell through and the chair finally sold in 2010 for $3,700. Proceeds went to the Proctor Police Department. And that is the end of our story. I literally could have gone on for. There were. There's so many amazing. We have to come back to this subject because there are a lot of stories of people getting arrested for DUIs on ridiculous things.
Rory Scoville
We'll call them alternative vehicles.
Josh Dean
Alternative vehicles.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, AVs.
Josh Dean
I think you're right. Like, maybe the $43,000 bid was a burner. It was going to Burning man with some flames coming out the back.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, Rich Burning man, dude.
Josh Dean
All right, after the break, we compete to see who can blow the higher
Rory Scoville
blood alcohol content Lane's Games Alcohol Edition.
Malcolm Glebel
Hello? Hello, this is Malcolm Glebel from Smart talks with IBM today. We're diving into a fascinating conversation with Stefano Pallard, head of fan development for Scuderia for rehp.
Stefano Pallard
Your pronunciation is strongly American. It's more Scuderia Ferrari.
Malcolm Glebel
I'm still working on rolling my R's, but what I was able to learn from Stefano was the importance of engaging the Tifosi the Ferrari superfans in the digital age.
Stefano Pallard
Ferrari fans and super fans want to be part of something, want to belong to something. So they want to be part of a community and ultimately they want to be part of a winning team.
Malcolm Glebel
You've got Ferrari, which has a long history, design history, and now you're interacting in a kind of digital space. I'm curious how you balance those two traditions.
Stefano Pallard
When it comes to fan engagement, it's really digital technology and digital channels are being able to create a deeper connection with our fans.
Malcolm Glebel
To learn more about how Ferrari and IBM are using technology to build deeper connections with fans, visit IBM.com ferrari
Rory Scoville
what's up baby? It's Bretzky and I'm here to tell you that spinquest.com is giving out free sweeps coins. All you got to do is purchase a ten dollar coin pack and guess what? They're gonna give you the coins from a thirty dollar coin pack that lets you play all your favorite games like Blackjack, Wanted, Dead or Wild. And we're talking real cash prizes baby.
Josh Dean
Spin Quest.com Spin Quest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.
Amy Eric
Hello beautiful. I'm Amy Eric, founder of Madison Reed, a hair color company I named after my daughter. I started Madison Reed because I believe women deserve better better ingredients, better results and the freedom to color on your terms. Our prestige hair color is made with ingredients that care for your hair, delivering gorgeous multi dimensional results. Meet our Salon in a Box, a permanent hair color kit with over 4020005 star reviews delivering rich color and 100% gray coverage. Try our Root Touch up kit for a permanent root refresh or our hair and brow mascara to cover stray grays on the go. Join more than 5 million women who have made the switch. Visit Madison reed.com or Amazon and discover the Madison Reed difference. Confident. Bold. Unstoppable. That's the power of Madison Reed Nix.
Podcast Announcer
That's Knix. Leak proof underwear isn't just for one moment. It's for all the everyday moments you didn't realize leak proof underwear could make easier Maybe it's day one of your period. Maybe it's a long travel day. Maybe it's hot outside. You're on the move and you just want to feel fresh. Their leak proof underwear comes in a range of absorbencies from light to ultra and helps protect against periods, light leaks, sweat, and everyday surprises. And because they look and feel like real underwear, they're soft, invisible underclothes and machine washable. No extra hassle, no complicated routine, just dependable protection. You can wash and rewear. See why millions have made the switch to leak proof underwear? Visit nyx.com that's kn I X.com and use code FLO15 for 15% off. That's knix.com code FLOW15.
Josh Dean
Hello and welcome back to Crimeless, the only podcast hosted by two men in motorized recliners that are definitely not made by La Z Boy.
Rory Scoville
That's exactly right. It seems like it is, but we've taken a black marker to it and redacted it. I. I don't want to tangle with
Josh Dean
the La Z Boy lawyers. I don't know about you, Rory.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, you know, they've been through the ringer a few times.
Josh Dean
All right, Rory, what's next?
Rory Scoville
Well, I'll tell you what we got coming up, Josh. Coming up this hour we've got Lane's game.
Josh Dean
Lane, what game are we playing?
Lane Rose
We're playing a cocktail themed game. My first question is what's your go to cocktail, guys?
Rory Scoville
Okay, well, I did dry January in 2026 and I've just kept it. So I am two and a half months into dry. But I'll go ahead and tell you my faves. When I go to a bar, I like to start with a paper plane and then I like to land that right in an Old Fashioned.
Cal Penn
Ooh.
Josh Dean
Oh, Stunning paper plane is a good drink. Spicy margarita is my usual. I don't drink a lot of cocktails.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, but I like a high west bourbon in that Old Fashioned. No one asked. But just putting it out there, I guess.
Josh Dean
Now your drink will be a phony Negroni or a.
Rory Scoville
Now it's. It's the phony Negroni. The. The. The phony Negroni that's pre bottled is actually not that bad. I did go to one bar in Boulder, Colorado that had an amazing fake Negroni that was so good it might have just been a Negroni. And I have been drinking this whole time.
Lane Rose
That's how they get you. So for this game, I'm going to tell you cocktail and you just need to tell me the ingredients. You don't have to tell me how to make it, you just gotta tell me what's in it. And for sake of fairness, I'm only going to be asking you about cocktails officially recognized by the International Bartenders Association.
Rory Scoville
Thank you.
Lane Rose
Yeah, I know. I know you guys are familiar with the iba.
Josh Dean
Yeah, of course we are.
Rory Scoville
Josh and I talk about it all the time.
Lane Rose
Yes. So no weird originals from, like, a bartender named Skyler in Brooklyn who has
Rory Scoville
a recliner that goes 20 miles per hour?
Lane Rose
Yeah, exactly. A softball to start. Josh, you mentioned a margarita. What's in a margarita?
Josh Dean
Will you taking turns on one first?
Lane Rose
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Okay.
Rory Scoville
Can we be teammates? Because I'm not going to be good at this.
Lane Rose
You know, you. You order a paper plane. I feel like that's a one up on this.
Rory Scoville
Oh, okay. All right. If you think I can win. Yeah, I only want to be teammates if I think I'm going to lose,
Malcolm Glebel
so.
Josh Dean
Okay, I'll go for it. It's tequila, lime juice, Grand Marnier, or triple Sec. I mean, that's it, right?
Lane Rose
Yeah, often with a salted rim.
Josh Dean
I like a Tajin rim on my spicy. Marty.
Rory Scoville
I knew that you would be fancy.
Josh Dean
All right, one.
Lane Rose
That's one. Roy. I mean, are you teammates? I can't tell.
Josh Dean
All right, well, yeah, how about we'll take turns, but then we can help each other if one. If the other one knows the answer. All right, Rory, so you start this one.
Rory Scoville
If you.
Lane Rose
Okay, Rory, how about a mojito?
Rory Scoville
A mojito? See, this is why I'm gonna be awful at this.
Josh Dean
I can help you here.
Rory Scoville
Mojito.
Josh Dean
I got it. If you don't. If you need.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, get in here.
Lady Luck
What? What?
Rory Scoville
Give me one thing. Maybe I can.
Josh Dean
Well, Ram. Is rum. Is the liquor in it?
Rory Scoville
Okay, so I would have gotten that wrong. I now know.
Josh Dean
Okay, so it starts with sugar and limes muddled at the bottom of the glass. Okay. And then you add rum. And then you add soda water. And then you add. Oh, mint. I forgot mint. There's mint.
Rory Scoville
I was gonna only offer mint. That was the only thing I was pretty confident about.
Josh Dean
Am I right, Lane?
Lane Rose
Yeah. Correct.
Rory Scoville
But then I thought maybe that was a mint julep, and I panicked.
Josh Dean
It's similar, but that is bourbon. Mint julep is kind of like a mojito with bourbon.
Lane Rose
Okay. Like, oh. Josh was like, I don't really drink cocktails. And then you're like, I know exactly how to make a mojito.
Josh Dean
Well, you happen to pick one that I do like.
Rory Scoville
And also the ounces.
Stefano Pallard
Jesus.
Lane Rose
Equal parts. How about a French 75?
Rory Scoville
Oh, champagne, right?
Lane Rose
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Josh Dean
Vodka. No, gin.
Lane Rose
Yes.
Rory Scoville
Okay, okay. Champagne, gin. And then Probably a third sweetener of some sort.
Josh Dean
Cassis. The red stuff.
Lane Rose
No, but Rory was closer. A sweetener. A simple syrup.
Rory Scoville
Some kind of a sweetener.
Josh Dean
Syrup.
Lane Rose
Okay, and then we're missing one other key ingredient.
Rory Scoville
A good time.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, that's a yes. A DJ who has an ear for what we want to dance to.
Josh Dean
Is it red?
Lane Rose
No.
Rory Scoville
You're really leaning into the reds. You're fully committed to red for this drink.
Josh Dean
All right. What is it, Lane?
Lane Rose
It's lemon juice.
Josh Dean
Oh, okay.
Lane Rose
Lemon juice. Yeah.
Josh Dean
I think we get most of the sour. We get most of the point there.
Lane Rose
Yeah. How about a Long Island Iced tea? I'll give you a hint. There's no iced tea in this.
Josh Dean
That is the drink that has a lot of liquors in it.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. It's dangerous.
Josh Dean
I think it has vodka, gin, and rum.
Lane Rose
Yeah, but you're missing two other liquors.
Josh Dean
Tequila.
Commercial Voice 2
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
God, that's disgusting.
Lane Rose
Triple sec. Oh, and a splash of something else. Tell me.
Josh Dean
Cranberry juice. Orange juice?
Amy Eric
No.
Josh Dean
Pineapple juice?
Lane Rose
No.
Rory Scoville
Is it a club soda?
Lane Rose
It is cola.
Rory Scoville
Cola.
Josh Dean
That is disgusting.
Lane Rose
It's so good, though. They're so good.
Rory Scoville
I do. The taste of it is like you're like, oh, all right. And that's why you get so up, because you're like, ah, it's fine. And then the soda opens up your stomach even more. And now it's like getting into your blood even faster.
Josh Dean
It's. That drink gets you crunk.
Rory Scoville
Very good, Josh. I was afraid that you wouldn't apply language from the 90s for the children listening.
Lane Rose
That does indeed get you crowing.
Josh Dean
I know our demo.
Lane Rose
I've got one more, but I'm going to add another one because it's timely. But this last one is a monkey gland?
Josh Dean
I have no idea.
Lane Rose
It's got an interesting history. Does anyone want to guess?
Rory Scoville
I have no idea.
Lane Rose
It's a Prohibition era cocktail named after a pseudoscience idea that if you graft a monkey testicle into humans, you'll live longer. And the guy that invented it, this was the only thing he pretty much ever did. And he was known as the monkey gland man.
Josh Dean
Was that Professor Widmark?
Lane Rose
Yeah. No, Russian. Dr. Serge Voronoff.
Josh Dean
Wow. His parents must have been so proud.
Lane Rose
Yeah. I'll give you a hint. It's orange.
Josh Dean
Orange juice.
Lane Rose
Yep. That's one.
Josh Dean
Rum? No, whiskey.
Rory Scoville
Screwdriver. This is not a screwdriver, but called something else.
Josh Dean
What makes it. Where's the monkey part come from?
Lane Rose
It's not really monkey. It's like the rejuvenation aspect. It's like. Oh, it really gives you a kick, I think.
Josh Dean
We don't know.
Rory Scoville
I don't know.
Lane Rose
Gin, orange juice, grenadine, and a dash of absinthe.
Rory Scoville
That actually sounds pleasant.
Josh Dean
It does.
Lane Rose
Okay, last one. What is a Borg?
Josh Dean
Is it named for Bjornborg, the Swedish tennis player who may have been friends with Professor Widmark?
Lane Rose
No, but it was happening in Chicago, Rory, when you were here.
Rory Scoville
Oh.
Lane Rose
I learned what this was this weekend because my Zoomer friends were talking about is a blackout rage gallon, which is a DIY alcoholic mixture among college students where you get a jug of water and you decide how much you want to drink. So you pour out that much of the gallon, and then you add your vodka or your whatever liquor, and then you put in your flavoring. So like a meo or a. I don't know, some sort of powdered. And then you just have your gallon for the. For the whole day. And TikTok doctors are saying it's actually
Josh Dean
harm reductive because it has water. Because it's part water.
Lane Rose
Yeah.
Josh Dean
And like, it hydrates while it dehydrates.
Lane Rose
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Oh, wow. I believe Dr. Widmark came up with this.
Lane Rose
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
That seems insane. I couldn't imagine being a doctor going, this is actually pretty healthy. This is better.
Lane Rose
But, yeah, wow, that's a Borg. That's what the kids are doing. So if your children come back and say, can I have a gallon of water? Nope, don't let them.
Rory Scoville
They don't get it.
Lane Rose
They get cups.
Rory Scoville
Also, I don't know if my kid's that into tennis, so might not happen.
Josh Dean
Official drink of Crimeless, the blackout rage gallon. That's what that guy in the minivan was on.
Rory Scoville
Probably. Yeah. I thought I was hydrating. Sorry, guys.
Lane Rose
I was Borgin.
Josh Dean
You guys had fun, right?
Lane Rose
Nice.
Josh Dean
He's the mascot. All right, we'll see you next week.
Rory Scoville
Bye.
Josh Dean
Crimlyss is a production of Smartless Media, Campside Media, and Big Money Players in partnership with iHeart podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scoville and me, Josh Dean. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Siminoff is our associate producer. This episode was edited, sound, designed and engineered by Marina Paiz. Our studio engineer is Ewan Lai Tramuin. Mark McAdam composed our theme song. The executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriadis, Matt Sher, and me, Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart podcasts and Big Money Players are Jack O', Brien, Lindsey Hoffman, and Matt Apodaca. For Smartless Media, the executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes and Richard Courson. Bernie Kaminski is head of production. The Associate producer is Matty McCann. A special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and Sabina Mara. Do you have a question, comment or confession for the Crimeless team? Email us@crimelessampsidemedia.com and if you enjoyed Crimeless, please rate and review the show wherever you get your podcasts. It helps people find the show and also makes us feel validated. Unless you're mean, in which case keep it to yourself. We'll see you next week. Crimeless Nation
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Josh Dean
Who's moving me to the couch with Domino's? Best deal ever since they just added stuffed crust.
Cal Penn
Any pizza? Any toppings? Now with stuffed crust for 9.99.
Josh Dean
It's a long term contract with no
Cal Penn
release clause only 9.99. Yeah, that sounds like the move. I'm heading straight to dom.
Josh Dean
Price is higher for some locations, excludes Excel and specialty pizzas.
Rory Scoville
Select this offer from 615 through 726 online only.
Josh Dean
Size availability varies by crust type max 7, topping 6 for pan and New York style crust. Minimum purchase required for delivery. Prices, participation, delivery area and charges may vary.
Amy Eric
M&M's popped caramel do sound different. Oh no. People are gonna be obsessed.
Rory Scoville
What do you mean?
Amy Eric
People hate the sound of chewing.
Josh Dean
Maybe they won't like the crunch.
Rory Scoville
Maybe we're saved.
Malcolm Glebel
Wait a minute.
Amy Eric
Minute.
Josh Dean
Yellow.
Amy Eric
Have you been eating them this whole time?
Rory Scoville
So tasty.
Josh Dean
Hands off us.
Rory Scoville
Eminem's popped caramel. It's more fun together.
Podcast Announcer
This is an iHeart podcast.
Rory Scoville
Guaranteed Human.
Release Date: June 24, 2026
Hosts: Rory Scoville (comedian) & Josh Dean (journalist, true crime podcaster)
Producer/Contributor: Lane Rose
"DUIs for Dummies" dives headfirst into the wild, weird, and legally dubious world of driving under the influence, riffing on celebrity DUI mugshots, the science of evading (or failing to evade) DUI charges, and an international buffet of bizarre, sometimes ingenious “better-not-try-this-at-home” attempts to beat the rap. True to CrimeLess’s signature blend, the episode delivers laughs, fascinating tidbits, and plenty of “did you know?” moments, while firmly reminding listeners: this is not an instruction manual.
[02:24–11:08]
“All of us who did not have millions of dollars and were not in charge of adults—we were also dicks with no power.” — Rory [04:13]
"Who's to say he wasn't recently electrocuted?" — Rory on Nolte’s hair [06:43]
“‘This is going to ruin the tour,’ and the cop said, ‘What tour?’” — Josh [09:48]
[11:09–19:54]
"The judge decided it was impossible to determine how intoxicated the man was while driving based on circumstantial evidence or speculation. So he won." — Josh [15:52]
[31:18–41:44]
“You have to be a contortionist…It is designed for three to five year olds…you can go much faster by just walking.” — Hutton via Rory/Josh [35:40]
[20:31–27:03]
“‘You guys had fun though, right?’” [25:16]
[46:27–54:25]
“Tequila, lime juice, Grand Marnier or triple sec.” — Josh [48:27]
“Rum, sugar, lime, soda water, mint.” — Josh [49:29]
“Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec, and cola.”
"A DIY alcoholic mixture among college students where you get a jug of water, some liquor, and flavoring." — Lane [53:06]
If you’re curious about “how not to get a DUI” (hint: there isn’t really a foolproof way), or just want to laugh at the weirdest ways people have tried, failed, or almost succeeded, this episode is a wild, trivia-rich ride full of true crime oddities, legal loophole lore, and memorable mugshots.
“It's just some good, verbal fun. No one was injured in any of these stories. That doesn't mean it's okay.” — Josh [12:30]
End of Summary