CrimeLess – Episode: "Everyone’s a Felon!"

Air Date: January 28, 2026
Hosts: Rory Scoville (Comedian), Josh Dean (Journalist/Podcaster)
Producer in Episode: Lane Rose
Guest Appearances: Ewan

Episode Overview

This episode of CrimeLess playfully explores the idea that "everyone's a felon"—digging into why the average person likely commits multiple crimes (without knowing it), the absurd breadth of US federal criminal law, and some of the strangest laws still on the books. Through personal confessions and tongue-in-cheek banter, the hosts reveal that even the most law-abiding among us are probably technical criminals, while also touching on why these laws exist and why many aren’t enforced.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Are You a Secret Criminal?

• (02:42–05:44) The hosts open by self-assessing their own "criminal" pasts—shoplifting candy bars or driving without being on the rental contract.
  • Rory: “I sort of want to lie so that people are like, wow, this guy’s edgy... I’ve stolen from 7-11 fifteen times. Twix every time.” (03:08)
  • Josh introduces the shocker: Most people underestimate how many crimes they commit.
    • According to Harvey Silverglate's research, "the average person commits three federal crimes a day."
      • Josh: “According to an author named Harvey Silverglate, the average person commits three federal crimes a day.” (03:54)
    • This means a 44-year-old may have committed ~48,000 crimes, often unknowingly—like rolling stop signs or picking up eagle feathers.

2. The Proliferation of Laws

• (06:11–07:25) Josh reads from Silverglate’s “Three Felonies a Day,” highlighting the overwhelming number and vagueness of federal criminal laws.

  • Josh: “The answer lies in the very nature of modern federal criminal laws, which have become not only exceedingly numerous and broad, but also impossibly vague.” (06:53)
  • The authors' point isn’t that most people are bad, but that the system makes us all technical lawbreakers.

• The "Mother Teresa Game":

  • Prosecutors would challenge each other to find crimes to pin on anyone, even beloved figures—which speaks to the overbreadth of the law. (07:48–08:52)
  • Josh: “It would then be up to the junior prosecutors to figure out a plausible crime for which to indict… Mother Teresa or John Lennon.” (08:04)

• Obscure Offenses:

  • Includes "obstructing the mails," using unsecured Wi-Fi, and more. Josh riffs on the quirks of the actual legal language.
    • Rory: “Obstructing the males… I did not know that the US Government said 'males' plural for mail.” (09:04)

3. Crimeless Confessions – Personal Anecdotes

• (09:57–18:20) The hosts and team confess their own (mostly minor) crimes—some genuine, some tongue-in-cheek:

  Josh: Mailing himself magic mushrooms in September 2001, just as anthrax attacks involved mailed spores.

  • Josh: “Just to recap, I mailed weird organic material that was in reality a Schedule 1 controlled substance to myself, in an unmarked envelope. The only week in American history when someone else was terrorizing the media by mailing weird organic material and unmarked envelopes.” (11:53)

  Rory: Underage drinking, minor trespassing, illegally driving rental cars as a non-listed driver, and as a kid, swapping a broken moped mirror with another after a small crash:

  • Rory: “We unscrewed that one and put my broken one on it and then put the other one on mine, so…” (16:06)

  Producer Lane Rose: Making burner Twitter accounts to bother (not bully) celebrities, getting a polite “get a grip” from Taylor Hicks.

  • Lane: “The big one I got a response from was Taylor Hicks.... He told me to get a grip.” (17:14–17:35)

  Ewan (team member): Story on New Zealand's ultra-strict customs—his wife brought a stick into the country for a wall hanging and triggered biosecurity alerts. (19:30–20:58)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I hope all our listeners are like, all right, maybe I'm more of a bad boy than I thought."
  — Rory Scoville (05:33)

• "It is only a slight exaggeration to say that the average busy professional... goes to sleep unaware that he or she has likely committed several federal crimes that day."
  — Reading from Harvey Silverglate's book on the proliferation of criminal laws (06:25)

• "That law actually refers to anyone who knowingly and willfully obstructs or retards the passage of the mail... even junk mail."
  — Josh Dean on the oddities of federal statutes (09:29–09:41)

• "Just to recap, I mailed weird organic material that was in reality a Schedule 1 controlled substance to myself… the only week in American history when someone else was terrorizing the media by mailing weird organic material and unmarked envelopes."
  — Josh Dean recounting his near-anthrax-scare mailing (11:53)

• "I have no idea if we're outside the statute of limitations."
  — Rory, after his moped mirror confession (16:07)

[Mini-Segment at 25:49] The Weirdest Laws in America

• Alabama: Illegal to chain your alligator to a fire hydrant; also not allowed to have an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

  • Rory: “Who’s trying to do that?… That means when someone goes, ‘Well, you know, if it’s a law, it had to happen at least once…’” (26:05)

• Other Standouts:

  • Arkansas: Illegal to buy/sell blue light bulbs
  • D.C.: Illegal to post a notice calling someone a coward for refusing a duel
  • Georgia: Illegal to curse in the presence of a corpse
  • Illinois: Bachelors must be called "master" (not "mister") by female counterparts
  • Colorado: Recently made it legal to remove 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tags from furniture (the “tyranny of mattress tags” ended).

• Josh on Research:
  The most “reliable” source was a PDF from a California elementary school, thanks to Google AI.

  • Josh: “That whack robot thinks an elementary school is on par with the Department of Justice website.” (29:07)

[Discussion at 29:50] "Criminals by Accident"

• Texting while driving, littering, pirating music (Napster, Limewire)—modern, everyday crimes that nearly everyone has committed, often forgetting they are in fact illegal.
  • Rory: “Texting while driving—you got it…. I’m going to get a leather jacket after this episode and start smoking.” (30:24–30:34)

[31:22–32:19] Federal False Statement Statute

• The Cautionary Tale of Martha Stewart

  • Most think she served time for insider trading, but technically, her conviction was for lying to federal agents under a law that makes it a crime to lie to investigators—even when not under oath.

  • Josh: "One of the oddest features of federal crime is that... it is likewise a felony to lie even when not under oath. So it’s like this weird trap the Feds set for you…” (31:37)

  • Caution: Never lie to the Feds. They catch people in this "trap" constantly.

    • Rory: “It does make you sit here and go, okay, FBI. Jesus.” (34:12)

[35:16–40:49] Game Segment: "Prison Slang Quiz"

• Host: Lane Rose quizzes everyone on prison slang.
  • Example Qs & Answers:
    • “Bats”: cigarettes (36:03–36:08)
    • “Dance on the Blacktop”: getting stabbed by another inmate (36:26–36:47)
    • “Slack”: a sock with a lock inside (used as a weapon) (37:11–37:32)
    • “Prison pocket”: anus (37:41–38:09)
    • “Time to feed the warden”: needing to go to the bathroom (38:15–38:32)
    • “Boneyard visit”: conjugal/family visit (38:48–39:24)
    • “Tucci”: card stock saturated in bug spray and smoked (Florida jail drug) (39:43–40:04)
    • “Stainless steel ride”: death by lethal injection (40:14–40:26)
  • Darkly comedic note to end:
    • Lane: "Pour a little out for the death penalty."
    • Josh: "Anti death penalty, pro Martha Stewart. Absolutely. Our platform is evolving over time." (40:49–40:55)

Additional Fun & Perspective

• Throughout, the hosts joke about generational divides (“How old do you think we are?” re: Twitter), point out the futility of un-enforced laws, and mock both the justice system and themselves.
• The tone is irreverent: playful but thoughtful about how law shapes behavior and perception.
• The show emphasizes that technical “criminality” is far more common—and more mundane—than most people realize.
• Memorable tag:
  • Rory: "Crimeless. Not afraid to hide. Not afraid to… Never mind. Crimeless. The end.” (40:58)

Noteworthy Timestamps

• 03:54 – Average American commits "three federal crimes a day"
• 06:25 – Reading from Silverglate's book, lays out scope & consequences
• 08:04 – The "Mother Teresa game"
• 11:53 – Josh's mushroom-mailing anthrax panic story
• 16:06 – Rory's moped vandalism story
• 25:49 – Rundown of the weirdest laws in America
• 29:50 – Modern everyday minor crimes
• 31:22–34:38 – Martha Stewart: The false statements trap
• 35:16–40:49 – "Prison Slang Quiz" game segment
• 40:49 – Anti-death penalty, pro-Martha Stewart declaration

Episode Takeaway

Everyone is a "felon" under the letter of the law—usually without intent or awareness. The abundance and vagueness of statutes, coupled with outdated or ridiculous local laws, mean all of us are criminal in some small way (and almost all of us have a confession to make, per the hosts’ own stories). The show advocates for both awareness and a sense of humor about our collective "criminality," ending on a punchy blend of laughter, skepticism, and a little sympathy for Martha Stewart.

Listen for:

• Absurd legal trivia that's actually real
• In-depth but hilarious confessions from the hosts
• A crash course in prison slang
• Sharp chemistry and comic timing between Rory, Josh, and Lane