How NOT to be a thief

Summary

CrimeLess Podcast Summary

Episode: "How NOT to be a thief"

Hosts: Rory Scoville & Josh Dean
Release Date: June 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode of CrimeLess, comedian Rory Scoville and journalist Josh Dean unpack some of the world’s most hilarious (and inept) robbery attempts. With a focus on stories where the would-be criminals’ utter lack of planning leads to spectacular—if humiliating—failure, the hosts showcase real-life examples that answer, “How NOT to be a thief.” The episode is as much about laughing at the absurdity of bumbling criminals as it is a tongue-in-cheek “educational” guide about what never to do if you’re contemplating a life of crime. Through engaging banter, playful hypotheticals, and interactive games, the hosts highlight humanity’s endless capacity to fail in the most creative ways.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Most Embarrassing Ways to Get Caught

• The episode kicks off with the question: “What’s the most embarrassing way to get caught after robbing a bank?”

  • Rory: “You shit yourself.” (03:03)
  • Josh: “The correct answer would be you get stuck in the revolving door.” (03:26)

• They discuss a viral video from Brazil where a man tries to rob ATMs in flip-flops and ends up stuck in a revolving door for 20 minutes, ultimately getting caught by police.

  • Rory: “He did have a great kick, though. I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy’s, you know… a classic MMA student of the craft.” (06:24)
  • Josh: “He finally sits down on the floor and also tries to open the wall under the machine… As if that's a thing you could do to, like—” (07:11)

• The man’s continued (failed) attempts, confusion, and visible inebriation showcase the frequent disconnect between criminal fantasy and reality.

  • Josh: “All of this is on camera… His face is probably very clear.” (07:40)

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2. Dumb Robbery Attempts Hall of Fame

a) Escape Room Robber Gets Trapped

• A man attempts to rob an escape room in Vancouver, Washington, only to lock himself inside. Panicking, he calls 911 for help, escapes, and is immediately caught by police outside.
  • Josh: “He has successfully locked himself in an escape room. And he’s apparently having immediate regrets because he calls the cops on himself.” (15:21)
  • Rory: “I feel like there should be some leniency in that.” (15:21)
  • Owner’s reaction: Finds the situation hilarious and doesn’t press charges, considering he only lost a beer and a burrito.
  • Writers of the CNN story note his attempt “won’t count” as a record, since he called for help. (17:10)

b) Miami Bank Robbers Steal Coins, Not Cash

• Three would-be robbers break into a Miami bank early Sunday morning, expecting drawers full of cash. Instead, they hastily steal heavy bags of coins, find themselves unable to escape quickly, and end up caught.
  • One robber attempts to hide in the ceiling, only to be discovered and dragged out by a police dog.
  • The getaway driver is found drunk and asleep in the car, claiming ignorance of the robbery.
  • Rory: “This is why research is so critical.” (19:42)
  • Josh: “So drunk, in fact, that he slept through it all.” (21:14)

c) The Case of the Disguised Address Changer (Wales)

• Dean Smith, in Wales, tries to update his address at a bank, then returns in disguise (hoodie, sunglasses, socks over shoes) to rob the same teller—forgetting he’s just handed over his ID and new address.
  • Josh: “He’d given the teller his name this whole time.” (30:22)
  • Rory: “Can you imagine being so upstanding you’re willing to change your address… but then 30 minutes later, shift into a life of crime?” (28:32)

d) Tattooed Giveaway—the Neck Case (Bristol, UK)

• Aaron Evans steals a GPS from a car that, unbeknownst to him, is a police trap vehicle. His neck tattoo—his last name and birthday—is captured on the in-car camera and leads to swift arrest.
  • Josh: “There’s a vast archive of stories… in which some distinctive tattoo leads to an arrest.” (33:00)
  • Rory: “His name and his home address.” (32:33)

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3. Cheeky Reflections & Takeaways

• The hosts highlight the importance of basic research and planning (or lack thereof) in these failed crimes:

  • Josh: “I’m learning over the years that bank robbers are not often putting a ton of thought into what they're doing.” (19:44)

• Playful hypotheticals about reality TV ideas (ATM-break-in game show, escape room with real stakes) pepper the discussion.

  • Rory (on ATM-breaking reality show): “Nothing ethically sketchy about that at all.” (07:11)
  • Josh: “Maybe we should open an escape room where the stakes are higher… You are locked in, and the water is slowly rising.” (18:27)

• The show continually circles back to the core theme: real crime is rarely as clever as it appears in fiction.

  • Josh: “Humanity never fails to entertain. Never disappoints us, always entertains us.” (10:55)
  • Rory: “It makes me feel so smart in general. This episode really raised my self-esteem.” (36:20)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Rory, on the Brazilian ATM ‘robber’:
  “He took his pants off. Why did he take his pants off?” (04:12)

• Josh, on the escape room bandit:
  “I wish we had audio of that 911 call. ‘I broke into an escape room… and now I can’t get out.’ What a great ad for the escape room, by the way.” (15:43)

• Rory, theorizing about sock-covered shoes:
  “If you can't identify the shoes… also, it’s kind of fun to slip and slide a little bit.” (29:17)

• Josh, about the neck tattoo thief:
  “I'm guessing they took a screenshot and they were like, surely that's not his name. Let's chase that down.” (33:49)

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Key Segment Timestamps

• 02:23 — Start of main content; brief Brazil ATM fail
• 03:03 — “You shit yourself” as the most embarrassing way to get caught
• 04:15–09:00 — Breakdown of Brazilian ATM robbery video
• 11:58 — Warm-up discussion ends; “How not to be a thief” segment formally begins
• 12:11 — Washington state escape room thief story
• 15:21 — Robber calls 911 on himself
• 19:01 — Miami coin-caper story
• 26:41 — Wales: Disguised address changer gets caught (Dean Smith story)
• 31:19 — Bristol, UK: Neck tattoo gives away car thief
• 36:12 — Reflection on neck tattoos as “bad ideas”
• 40:07–47:19 — “Lane’s Game”: Price is Right guessing game on the value of commonly stolen items

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"Lane's Game": Price Is Right, Stolen Goods Edition (40:07–47:19)

• Contestants (Rory and Josh) guess the MSRP of popularly stolen items—Ford F-150, Cartier bracelet, Louis Vuitton Neverfull, Prada sunglasses, a catalytic converter.

• Josh wins despite frequently underestimating the luxury goods, leading to playful banter:

  • Rory: “What is wrong with us?”
  • Josh: “What the hell?”
  • Lane: “You're denying yourself the luxury.”

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Conclusion

"How NOT to be a thief" is a riotous tour through the world’s most boneheaded and slapstick criminal acts, blended with irreverent analysis and comedic reflection. The takeaway for listeners: If you want to seem interesting at a party, these stories will do the trick—but don’t get any ideas. If you absolutely must break the law, at least remember not to literally leave your name and address behind at the scene.

Final Note:

• As always, the humor is rooted in empathy for human folly and a clear message: Real-life crime is more likely to be tragic-comic than successful.
• Stay tuned for the next installment, where stupidity continues to surprise—and amuse.

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Hosts:
Rory Scoville (@roryscovel)
Josh Dean (@JoshDean66)

Feedback:
Send questions, comments, or confessions to [e-mail]

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(Summary by AI; based on full episode transcript. For optimal experience, listen to the full podcast!)

Transcript

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[Josh Dean]

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[Josh Dean]

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[Josh Dean]

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[Josh Dean]

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[Josh Dean]

Dean Smith, when he retired from coaching the Tar Heels, moved to Wales and began a life of crime.

[Rory Scoville]

Look it up.

[Advertisement Voice]

Campsite Media smart.

[Rory Scoville]

Less media.

[Josh Dean]

All right, well, this is a fun one. And I'm going to give you a minute to think about your answer.

[Lane Rose]

Okay?

[Rory Scoville]

I do find the other questions. You do pressure me too quickly to get to it.

[Josh Dean]

I do. I have the timer, the clock, the sound effects.

[Rory Scoville]

Come on. Name all the state capitals. Come on.

[Josh Dean]

What's the most embarrassing way to get caught after robbing a bank?

[Rory Scoville]

You shit yourself. Now I feel like I've shown my Personal cards. I mean, at least when I've robbed a bank.

[Josh Dean]

Didn't we talk about that once?

[Rory Scoville]

You trip and you drop the comical animated bag of money that has a money sign on the outside of it. I don't know.

[Josh Dean]

And it knocks you out.

[Rory Scoville]

I imagine there's numerous ways to be wildly embarrassed.

[Josh Dean]

I have a good one for you because that is a good answer. But it's not. The correct answer would be you get stuck in the revolving door.

[Starbucks Advertisement Voice]

Yes.

[Rory Scoville]

That is so delicious.

[Josh Dean]

Allow me to share a video with you that comes from Brazil and it's been sped up a bit and someone added the Keystone Cops music because I think you'll find it appropriate.

[Rory Scoville]

Of course. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Never even thought of this. What a great idea. Kick the screens, man. This is taking too long. Sped up. This guy was not smart. Oh, is he gonna die? Oh my God, he took his pants.

[Josh Dean]

No, he does not die. He does not die.

[Rory Scoville]

Why did he take his pants off?

[Josh Dean]

All right.

[Rory Scoville]

But he did it. Well, I'm not gonna lie. That was so tense.

[Josh Dean]

I'll give you some details and you can tell us what you observe there. So what seems to have happened is that a 20 year old man who's not named in the few stories I could find. It's a small time attempted theft in a Karen Gola, Brazil. Not sure exactly where in Brazil that is.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay. I do. I'm very good at geography. I'm not going to go into it, but I did know exactly where that was.

[Josh Dean]

I thought you would. I didn't want you to show off. He's wearing the universal uniform of experienced bank robbers. A T shirt, board shorts and flip flops.

[Rory Scoville]

Surprised his name wasn't on the back of his shirt.

[Josh Dean]

To be quite frank, his plan seems to be. Well, how would you describe his plan?

[Rory Scoville]

I. Very carefree, very optimistic. You know when you go into a bank and they've got the three or four ATMs or whatever all lined up so that multiple customers can use them at one time. He clearly was at a hour of early morning, late night where no one's going to be there and he's just kicking in the screen and then reaching down into it, which I would have never thought. The money was just right there and I can't tell. It doesn't seem like he's too successful. Yeah. So he's just kicking the ATMs under the assumption that money is just sitting in there willy nilly and none of them are fruitful. I think he tried all the machines because he Thought maybe that first one just was out of money and that surely the money is still definitely right below the screen.

[Josh Dean]

So there's no audio in the video and you don't really see his face, but I'm gonna guess he was not sober. This was not a.

[Rory Scoville]

It didn't look sober. It wouldn't look like smart, sober behavior, because even sped up, he was taking way too long.

[Josh Dean]

He was. So he's just wailing on them. He pokes, prods, he tries to pry open the tray where the cash comes out, as if that's a thing the ATM makers hadn't thought of.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Finally, he does kick one and it breaks, as you said, but there's no cash.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So he strikes out again. These are machines that are left with cash unattended, often in dark lobbies, in locations where there's no security. I'm going to guess it's really hard to break into one, even with tools. Right.

[Rory Scoville]

The level of optimism that he thought with nothing, he had nothing. But his, like, kicking his flip flops, it seems absurd. He did have a great kick, though. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy's, you know, hoist. Gracie trained with a little muay tie on the side.

[Josh Dean]

Mma.

[Rory Scoville]

An mma, you know, just a classic mma, student of the craft.

[Josh Dean]

It gave me a fun idea, which is a game show where it's who can break into the ATM fastest. You pick five guys who are already going to jail, and you give them like, 10 minutes in a lobby with one tool of their choice. If they get in, they keep the money and they get away. But if they don't, that charge is added to their rap sheet, then they go to jail for longer, I think. Let's monetize and gamify criminal justice. I think it'll be a huge.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Nothing ethically sketchy about that at all. So what. Basically what happens, he finally sits down on the floor and he also tries to open the wall under the machine.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

As if that's a thing you could do to, like. Oh, they.

[Rory Scoville]

In a cartoon. That is where the money would just be sitting. Yeah, yeah, Right. I think he thought it was like a vending. A Coke vending machine. Like where on the other side of the glass, the soda's just sitting there.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. All I have to do is get in there somehow. All of this is on camera, of course, because Those lobbies with ATMs always have. I mean.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, that was just one angle we saw. I mean, he's probably captured on numerous angles. His face is probably Very clear. But he goes to escape through the revolving door, and it just locks up on him. As you would. I mean, I guess I was about to say as you would expect, but that does seem like a great idea that I did not expect.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. So what actually happened there was that is the revolving glass door between the lobby and the bank itself. So I think when he fails at the atm, he's like, I'm just gonna go into the bank now and rob the drawers. But of course, they lock that revolving door. So, yes, he goes in, he gets stuck. He doesn't just get stuck.

[Rory Scoville]

He gets his head like that actually looks severe. Why didn't he take his clothes off, do you think?

[Josh Dean]

Well, I'm glad that you pointed that out because one of my favorite comments under the video, the version I saw was well known fact, taking your pants off makes your head smaller.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

Do we have a different angle? Do you want to see it? Can we see that part? So here's just this in isolation. Here's what. This actually lasts for 20 minutes. It's sped up.

[Rory Scoville]

He is thin as a rail.

[Josh Dean]

Very skinny man.

[Rory Scoville]

He is Josh and I's target weight.

[Josh Dean]

Exactly. That's my dream. I have a photo of this man stapled to my treadmill.

[Rory Scoville]

I don't. I gotta say this right here where he's trying to do that, that's where you're like, oh, how do you even get like. What do you do there?

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. For those of you who can't see this at home, his head is only his head is stuck in the revolving door.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. He does get out and he's, like, so grateful.

[Josh Dean]

What I was hoping happened there when he got his head out, but then I was hoping his leg would then be stuck.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, here he goes. He's doing. He's like, let's just keep going. I actually kind of admire this guy, to be quite honest.

[Josh Dean]

He's going to try the vault here.

[Rory Scoville]

He's just trying the vault. As though someone forgot that night here.

[Josh Dean]

He tries to pour coffee, but the carafe is empty. I'm sorry.

[Rory Scoville]

No, they don't just have coffee just sitting there. Yeah. This guy is on another level. And then he's back to the revolving door. He's like, oh, shit.

[Josh Dean]

He's now locked himself inside the bank.

[Rory Scoville]

He's in the bank.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, you will not be shocked at how this turns out. I don't think.

[Rory Scoville]

Anyways, he went on to become the president of McDonald's. It's actually very impressive. This is incredible. And then they just walk in they're like, hey, bud.

[Lane Rose]

Hey.

[Rory Scoville]

Sorry, I was. There's no coffee if that's your first question. If your first question is is there coffee? The answer is no.

[Josh Dean]

So, yes, the cop showed up finally. He had been. So what happened is, I guess there was a guard at the security company that monitors the cameras had been watching this. I don't know if he slow played it on purpose because he's like, I got to see how this turns out. This is gold. The Internet is going to love this.

[Rory Scoville]

Honestly, he was probably like, I can tell this guy's fucked up. Let's use this as a test. Let's see if our revolving door thing works. Let's actually see if our fail safes are all in place.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, because he does all that. That glass door part alone took 20 minutes. So this is basically probably 30 to 40 minutes. And then what we just observed is four officers showing up with their guns. Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

If you're in the room and you have this on the monitor, you're not immediately wanting this to conclude. This is like watching a TV show for an hour. If anything, this, this kid should get rewarded for being an incredible entertainer and also a contortionist. A very good contortionist.

[Josh Dean]

He managed to get his head stuck and then got through and then got his leg stuck. So, yeah, it ends with our man in cuffs sobering up in jail and then realizing the next day that there's footage of it. I'm sure he may have had some regrets. Oh, yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

But I only share this story as a warm up because this week we're looking at some of the world's dumbest robbery attempts. And I say some of because there are so many, honestly, we could just have a whole spin off show of this. Humanity never fails to entertain. Never disappoints us, always entertains us. So coming up on Crime List this week, our latest contribution to the aspiring criminals of the world, how not to be a thief. Hello and welcome to Crimos, a weekly celebration of the amazing creativity of the world Dumbest criminals. And we are on an endless quest to educate. They just need so much help. That's right.

[Rory Scoville]

And we're the ones to do it. Josh Dean and Rory Scoville, your educators for hire.

[Josh Dean]

Crime 101. So I'm going to dial up the absurd meter from here from the man getting his head. All right, I know I said up top that getting stuck in a revolving door is probably the most embarrassing way to get caught robbing a bank, but can you think of a more absurd Way to get caught up in a theft in general. It doesn't have to be a bank.

[Rory Scoville]

All right, this is going to sound like I'm on a little bit of a repeat, but you shit your pan.

[Josh Dean]

Wall in a revolving door.

[Rory Scoville]

Revolving door. You have to. And you're like, well, I got to do it in here.

[Josh Dean]

You're going to love the headline of this one because a man in Washington state got trapped in an escape room.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, that's. That's expected.

[Josh Dean]

Well, not Wally. Wally was robbing it. Have you ever done one?

[Rory Scoville]

I have done, let's say, five, six, seven escape rooms. I made fun of them for so long, then I went and did one in Atlanta in 2019, and it was so fun, I immediately was like, oh, I get it. This is a blast.

[Josh Dean]

So you're now an escape room guy.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm an escape room guy. I've done one a year since then. But on the road, it's a great way to kill time, and it's fun to do. And if you go with the right group, I think that's the thing. You always gotta have the right group of people who get it. It's fun to go with comics who are competitive, which is a lot of comedians, because they're making jokes, while also still trying to succeed as a team.

[Josh Dean]

This is not a terrible reality show idea.

[Rory Scoville]

Us comics don't get to be teammates very often, and this is a perfect setting for it.

[Josh Dean]

I like this that this could be a reality show.

[Rory Scoville]

You're right. Nobody steal that. If anybody's listening, who does that kind of thing, don't take that idea that's ours.

[Josh Dean]

Just trademarked it. Yeah, I think that's how it works. That's how trademarks work. Right?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, hey, you're asking the right guy. If you're looking for. Yes. If you're looking for uneducated yeses, you just ask the right guy.

[Josh Dean]

Legal advice. Yeah, I think it's. It works. It's just saying it's like a citizen's arrest. I could just arrest you.

[Rory Scoville]

So this guy thought escape rooms are a lucrative business.

[Josh Dean]

Well, you're going to have a lot of questions. Let me get into it. Okay, great. So this particular escape room was in Vancouver, Washington, a town I have always found confusing because it's close to Vancouver, Canada, but it's a suburb of Portland, Oregon.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes, that's right.

[Josh Dean]

It's the Indiana University, Pennsylvania of towns.

[Rory Scoville]

And, you know, some people have booked some flights and they've messed up, and they've been like, I don't know. They didn't even ask for my passport, Which Vancouver.

[Josh Dean]

So here's what happened. A solo robber, for whatever reason, he decides to break into the Northwest Escape experience back in 2018, the year before you were hooked. Okay, so escape rooms were pretty new then, I think. Or at least I feel like even

[Rory Scoville]

more reason to not necessarily break into one.

[Josh Dean]

So he breaks in through the back door, and he just kind of hangs out. When he got in, he just made himself at home. The storage owner told CNN he actually stole one beer from the refrigerator. The police say he also had a burrito. Okay, are there always burritos at escape rooms?

[Rory Scoville]

No. I gotta say, a beer does sound rare. But know your clientele, right?

[Josh Dean]

Anyway, says a beer, he has a burrito. At some point, he decides to leave with the beer and the burrito. Evidence disposed of in his belly. But he has a stolen cell phone and a stolen TV remote, which feels like something that doesn't have a lot of value on its own.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I don't know if this guy knows what money is or where to find it.

[Josh Dean]

He's just like, look at all this loot.

[Rory Scoville]

I'll break into this escape room that's been raking in millions.

[Josh Dean]

So I'm gonna guess he didn't put a lot of thought into it. Maybe again, we're talking about an individual who's had a few drinks.

[Rory Scoville]

I was gonna say a little inebriation

[Josh Dean]

might not have been his first beer, the one that he stole. So he's trying to get out the way he came in through the back, but he did so much damage to the door while breaking it to get in that he's stuck. And I think the front door was also probably locked from the outside. So he has successfully locked himself in an escape room. And he's apparently having immediate regrets because he calls the cops on himself. He dials 911 and asks for help.

[Rory Scoville]

I feel like there should be some leniency in that.

[Josh Dean]

I would think so, too. And I think the fact that we don't know his name leads me to believe maybe they were like, all right, we're going to talk to the press, but we're not going to charge you.

[Rory Scoville]

This feels like going to confession. The priest is like, hey, what the hell? But also, all right, I gotta say some Hail Marys. Get out of here.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, I wish we had audio of that 911 call. I broke into an escape room, and now I can't get out. What a great ad for the escape room, by the way.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, no one Gets out.

[Josh Dean]

Nope. Not even a guy who wasn't trying to get in.

[Rory Scoville]

Criminal or not, no one gets out.

[Josh Dean]

So he dials 911. Then he decides one more time to try the back door. And actually it does open this time. So he does escape, only to run into the cops who are responding.

[Rory Scoville]

A regretful evening

[Josh Dean]

on several levels, right?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

He's like, why did I call the. I gave up too soon.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, he gave up too soon. Which, honestly, a lot of us do in escape rooms. You know, you're yelling out, give me my first of three clues, and you're doing it way too soon into the hour. That was him.

[Josh Dean]

Have you successfully gotten out every time or have you failed?

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, mixed results. That very first time we got out with seconds, it was epic. But I've done some where we didn't get out in time. But we got so close, we saw the path a little too late. You get hung up on some of the puzzles or riddles, and if you can't get through everything in a certain amount of time, you're kind of screwed. You always think you're moving at a clip, and then you're like, oh, wait, there's 10 more puzzles.

[Josh Dean]

So this guy had exactly that experience.

[Rory Scoville]

Basically, he was like, oh, I'm out. I got. Wait, I am.

[Josh Dean]

Damn it. If only I tried the door one more time. Oh, God.

[Rory Scoville]

Feel bad for him.

[Josh Dean]

Well, it says he was charged with second degree burglary, but we couldn't find a conviction. So I'm hopeful that he got off because the escape room owners, the owner took it really well. Here's what he said. He said, once we got down there and realized the damage was minimal, we just thought it was hilarious. He told cnn.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, exactly. And also he took a beer and a burrito. What's your loss there? $15 at most if it's a really nice beer. Well, I assume he went with a nice beer and probably the markup on these burritos.

[Josh Dean]

That's true. By the way, the two writers who wrote the CNN story I found, Elizabeth Eakin and Emily Smith, had some real fun with it. And I have to share my favorite part. They reported that the thief was ins and that the average time it takes paying customers to escape the escape room when it's a challenge and not a crime, is 50 to 58 minutes. And the record at that location is 33 minutes. But of course, his time won't count. The owner said he did call 911. That's not a win.

[Rory Scoville]

He quit. Doesn't make me realize has anyone been in an escape room and called 911 just to be like, I can't. I'm in here. I'm in here. There's a mummy theme. It's kind of an Egyptian mummy theme.

[Josh Dean]

Someone who didn't totally understand the rules. They're like, no, you're actually trapped in

[Rory Scoville]

there till you can also, you could just probably knock on the door also. I bet the door is not locked. That's the other thing about escape rooms. People are always like, I don't want to be locked in a room. I'm like, you know, no one's locked anywhere. You can just leave whenever you want. But the fun of it is to try to earn your way out.

[Josh Dean]

Maybe we should open an escape room where the stakes are higher, though. You actually are locked in. You are locked.

[Rory Scoville]

And the water is slowly rising.

[Josh Dean]

Yep.

[Rory Scoville]

Ruining a lot of the clues. You're going to need to, like, get

[Josh Dean]

out and you have to call 911. You either get out or you call

[Rory Scoville]

911 or you die. You have to humble yourself to call 91 1.

[Josh Dean]

Nobody take this idea either.

[Rory Scoville]

This is also our humility escape room.

[Josh Dean]

The crimeless themed escape rooms. It's either jail, death or victory. All right, for our next extremely dumb robbery attempt, we're going back to a bank. This time, it's in Miami.

[Rory Scoville]

That was felt like a little side quest.

[Josh Dean]

The year is 2010, and three pals decide to rob a bank in the wee hours of a Sunday morning. It's Wakovia bank, which I think is southern. Do you have those back in south?

[Rory Scoville]

I think it is southern, yeah. Wavia.

[Josh Dean]

Maybe that's where your parents kept their riches.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So two of the guys, Oscar Montoya, who. Who at the time was 29, and Juan Hernandez, 22, they break in through the front window while their pal Ricardo Barrios stays out in the parking lot in the getaway car. These dudes are expecting to get away with the Utah, but it's Sunday, all the drawers are empty, the cash is in the vault, and the vault is, of course, locked. Similar problems to our man in Brazil who's like, I just thought the money would be here, right? He's just like, if I can get into the bank, I'm home free.

[Rory Scoville]

This is why research is so critical.

[Josh Dean]

So critical. I'm learning over the years that bank robbers are not often putting a ton of thought into what they're doing. They're just like, it's a bank.

[Rory Scoville]

You are learning that there's money in there. And I Need money, it must be accessible. It must just be in there.

[Josh Dean]

How else could you get it? Okay, so they've broken a window in the process, though, so their time is short. They do the next best thing. They grab whatever they can find, which in this case is a shit ton of coins that they start stuffing in a bag. So I feel like we've heard this before. As many coins as they can carry and find, which creates a new problem, of course. What would that be, Rory? Well, yeah, right. It's all great until you've stolen 300,000 dimes.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Until you realize you don't lift weights every day.

[Josh Dean]

So it's really hard to run away from the bank. They don't even make it out of the bank. The cops respond to the break in, and they pretty easily catch and arrest the guys. One of them, the first one, Montoya, just surrenders. The second one at least puts up an entertaining fight. He hides in the ceiling above the tiles, up on the second floor. And then a police dog discovers him, at which point he falls through the tiles.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

And tries to run before, and I quote, police dogs tracked him down.

[Rory Scoville]

Ow. That's terrifying.

[Josh Dean]

It's like a Bugs Bunny episode. Yeah, like, he falls through the ceiling, and then they, like, they've got, like, his pants are stretching out really far. The police dog is biting his butt, so. Ouch. Both are charged with burglary and possession of burglary tools. Why didn't they use the getaway car? Well, they never got there. But if they had, they also would have been very disappointed in their pal because he was passed out at the wheel.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, no.

[Josh Dean]

Dude was drunk.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So drunk, in fact, that he slept through it all. He didn't wake up for the alarms. Didn't even wake up when a bunch of cop cars roared in, sirens blaring. Didn't finally snap to until the cops poured water on him and slapped his face. Who knows? Yeah, he finally wakes up and seems very confused about what's happening. He claimed to not even know that his friends were going to rob a bank. And he was only charged with another charge that I'm learning about as I research this show.

[Rory Scoville]

Having poor friendship choices.

[Josh Dean]

Well, that was one. That's a charge against his character. The criminal charge was resisting arrest without violence, which I guess is just refusing. How does that work? I don't know.

[Rory Scoville]

I don't know what that is. I guess pretending to be asleep. Yeah, we know you're not sleeping. Wake up.

[Josh Dean]

Or it's like just. I'm sorry, Officer, I do not accept your arrest.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, yeah, very gentlemanly.

[Josh Dean]

So two of them charged with bank robbery, one gets off, which by the way, we can't know for sure. If he knew the cops bought his story for whatever reason. Maybe that's how drunk he was. They were like, no, this guy, this guy had no idea.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, you're also like, ah, even if he is guilty, I mean, what are we mad about here? Are we worried this guy's gonna fall asleep again somewhere?

[Josh Dean]

He saved himself a dui.

[Rory Scoville]

All kinds of good arguments could be made on his behalf.

[Josh Dean]

Well, I'm happy to say I'm guessing that was a relatively minor offense and he's hopefully turned over a new leaf and is living as a law abiding citizen of Miami Today. After the break, we have some more truly terrible thieves to talk about. So stay tuned. Hey, crimeless nation. Vibe coding is everywhere right now. But it's not just for apps anymore. Now it's making its way into website creation. The incredible web building tool WIX has introduced WIX Harmony, a vibe coder for websites that lets you type what you want and generate a site ready to use right away, complete with forms, payments, security, anything you want, really. All built in. But don't worry, WIX Harmony doesn't require AI for everything. You can still jazz things up a bit if you want. Just click and edit anything manually or select an element and have Aria, your AI agent make updates for you. It's a smart solution to the frustration of repeatedly prompting AI just to make small changes and absolutely something I'll use the next time I need a website. I mean, who has time to code? Try it for [e-mail] Harmony that's wix.com Harmony

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[Josh Dean]

Hello, and welcome back to Crimeless, the weekly podcast that's beamed by satellite into every school for 30 thieves because of its importance as a learning tool. For our next story, we go to

[Rory Scoville]

Wales, across the pond, as we always do. Late last year, fall of 2025, I went and performed in Aberystwyth at a festival.

[Josh Dean]

That's one of those words I would not and Cardiff be able to say.

[Rory Scoville]

I only know how to say it because I've had to say it so many times. But on paper, you would go, I don't know what that is.

[Josh Dean]

My last name, Dean, is Welsh, by the way.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh.

[Josh Dean]

I was told that it means valley dweller, but I'm just now realizing I've never looked at it.

[Rory Scoville]

Valley dweller. That feels offensive.

[Josh Dean]

Very unexciting.

[Rory Scoville]

I don't know why that feels offensive, but it feels, like, derogatory for some reason. I've got a couple valley dwellers over here.

[Josh Dean]

I also mention this because the perp in our story is named Dean, but it's his first name. He's Dean Smith, but not the coach.

[Rory Scoville]

Legendary coach.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. After he retired from coaching the Tar Heels, he moved to Wales and took up a life of crime. Not a lot of people know that they're going to learn it here for the first time. That's not true at all. Dean Smith, if you're still alive. I don't know who he is. He's not. Okay, so we can't defame dead people. Anyway, I was worried for a minute there that I'd have to walk up, but I can stand by it. Dean Smith, when he retired from coaching the Tar Heels, moved to Wales and began a life of crime.

[Rory Scoville]

Look it up.

[Josh Dean]

So this Dean Smith, he's from a town and. I can't believe I did this to myself. You're the Welsh pronunciation specialist. It's true. Don't even. I'm sure that was me, that. I'm sure I said that.

[Rory Scoville]

Wrong. Yeah, yeah. What was your first clue?

[Josh Dean]

Welsh, by the way, it's right next to England, but it's a wildly different language.

[Rory Scoville]

It's. When you see it written out, you're like, I don't know. I do not know. There's a lot of languages you can kind of guess. If you don't know it, you can kind of go, all right, I think I maybe kind of know what we're talking about. Welsh, they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Josh Dean]

Don't even try.

[Rory Scoville]

Don't even start.

[Josh Dean]

It's so different looking than English. Even though they, like, are a few

[Rory Scoville]

hours apart, they don't want vowels to go where we want vowels to go.

[Josh Dean]

No. And a lot of consonants without vowels. There's some words that have very few. A lot of Y's.

[Rory Scoville]

Exactly.

[Josh Dean]

We're gonna offend so many Welsh people today. But I'm not throwing stones. It's fascinating to me.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, it's beautiful. We backtrack so quickly. Oh, no, no, no. It's lovely.

[Josh Dean]

Does it sound great when it's spoken to.

[Lane Rose]

I don't want to.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes, for our listeners. Yes.

[Josh Dean]

All right, so this guy, Dean Smith, went to a branch of Barclays bank back in May of 2014 to change his address. It was 2014. I guess Banks made you do that IRL back then. And when he's there talking to the teller, he sees something that excites him. Cash in the drawer. That's all of us. This is experience that maybe our first guy had, too. He was like, whoa, cash.

[Rory Scoville]

There's cash is in there so much.

[Josh Dean]

I just.

[Rory Scoville]

I just gotta break into this screen and tickle the robot hands that'll drop the cash into my satchel.

[Josh Dean]

So I guess Dean can't get this sweet cash out of his mind, because 30 minutes later. 30 minutes, Rory. A half hour. Yeah. He goes back in disguise.

[Rory Scoville]

Can you imagine being so upstanding, you're willing to change your address and follow the law, but then you decide to 30 minutes later, shift into a life of crime?

[Josh Dean]

He just started the day with an error.

[Rory Scoville]

I haven't had my coffee yet. And you never know what choices I'll make.

[Josh Dean]

And by the way, like, the kind of Aaron that. Like, I would put that off for so long. If I had to go in person to the bank to change my address. It would take me years to change my address. I would always be like, is this the day I go to the bank to change my address? No, definitely not happening today. Thirty minutes later, he goes Back in disguise. And I use that term very loosely here. Or he was just doing this guy,

[Rory Scoville]

just the finger as a mustache.

[Josh Dean]

His disguise is a hoodie and sunglasses. And this is my favorite detail. Socks over his shoes. What do you think that's about?

[Rory Scoville]

Well, if you can't identify the shoes, I think it's all pretty obvious. Also, it's kind of fun to slip and slide a little bit.

[Josh Dean]

I was thinking, like, to him that was the brilliant twist, was like, oh, I have seen that they sometimes find you by your shoe prints. It's like fingerprints. No gloves, by the way, but socks over the shoes.

[Rory Scoville]

Smart.

[Josh Dean]

That guy Dean Smith knows he will not be caught because of the tread of his sneakers.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, so he goes to the same cashier and he asks for money, demands money, brandishing a knife, which must not have been too scary, because she refuses and pushes the panic button. So I guess that was just, like, right away.

[Rory Scoville]

No, dude. Yeah, sorry, bud. Beep, beep, beep, beep.

[Josh Dean]

She's like, you were just here changing around, son. What have you done with yourself? What has happened? What has happened in the last 30 minutes?

[Rory Scoville]

Now we have two addresses to try to find you at.

[Josh Dean]

So he was not shouting. A police person later said he was rushed but not angry or agitated. He sounded desperate. So he runs away in his socks over his shoes, but it takes the police very little time to find him. Why do you. Yeah, why is that, Rory? This is a real layup.

[Rory Scoville]

Is he just outside?

[Josh Dean]

Well, no, because he just changed his address. Not only that, he'd given the teller

[Rory Scoville]

his name this whole time. I thought you're gonna say he obviously gave a fake address.

[Josh Dean]

Nope, nope. He gave her his address and his name. So he's charged, convicted, and sentenced to 2.5 years in jail. And his defense attorney said he told the police it was stupid and he was very sorry, but he was desperate for money.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Which again, like, what changed in the 30 minutes? I don't know. Unless. And this is. I'm not sure, makes him any more of a master criminal. The address was like a scouting mission, Right. He just went in, but then he forgot that he should use a fake address while scouting, Right?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, he forgot that he's got to apply a little fiction.

[Josh Dean]

He just froze when they put the form in front of him.

[Rory Scoville]

He's like, yeah, I don't know how to fake an address.

[Josh Dean]

I'm going to have to put socks over my shoes now. All right, our final bonehead thief story, also in the uk and this time we go to Bristol England.

[Rory Scoville]

Have you been there also been there.

[Josh Dean]

Will we ever find a town you haven't been to?

[Rory Scoville]

Well, Bristol is where I flew into to then get on a train to Cardiff.

[Josh Dean]

Oh.

[Rory Scoville]

So we're talking very close to the border on the west side of England.

[Josh Dean]

Okay. These two stories, which are completely unrelated, are what. You ran into both of these locations on the same trip?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, this is on my tour, yeah. From the fall of 2025.

[Josh Dean]

But you did not do Bristol?

[Rory Scoville]

I did not perform in Bristol, no.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, well, so this word Bristol, where you flew into, transited through. And in this case, a 21 year old man breaks into a. Is it Peugeot or Peugeot? I've never known.

[Rory Scoville]

Peugeot, I think.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, we'll go with that.

[Rory Scoville]

And I don't know, but it just seems like. That's right.

[Josh Dean]

It's a little less. Peugeot is a little Pugot.

[Rory Scoville]

Pugot.

[Josh Dean]

Pugot, as you would say in South Carolina.

[Rory Scoville]

Pugot. Oh, look at that. Pugot.

[Josh Dean]

It's a Peugeot 106. It's in a parking lot and he steals the car's satellite navigation system. Worth about 6,70 pounds. So not a lot. Not a big haul for our man. Easy enough. Well, unfortunately for our man, his name is Aaron. There's a camera in the car that captures the whole thing, including a nice closeup of his neck tattoo. Do you want to guess what his neck tattoo was?

[Rory Scoville]

His name and his home address.

[Josh Dean]

Very close.

[Rory Scoville]

What

[Josh Dean]

it was his last name and his birthday.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay.

[Josh Dean]

Evans. 19987. So they do it a little backwards or they think we do it backwards where it's day, month, year. So he's born in September 19, 1987. Evans. And I have to say that while this might be the most hilarious example of a tattoo leading to an arrest, there's a vast archive of stories I found in which some distinctive tattoo leads to an arrest.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, wow.

[Josh Dean]

So maybe I'll bookmark that for a future episode.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I want to know some of these.

[Josh Dean]

And you should remember that the next time you get a distinctive face or neck tattoo. Yeah. The various ways in which it could come back to haunt you.

[Rory Scoville]

I bet you also, this person had so many tattoos, they forgot they even had that tattoo. Because I, I could see someone kind of glossing over that detail as they build up the confidence to go commit a crime.

[Josh Dean]

Because he's just got so much ink.

[Rory Scoville]

I think if it's on his neck, you know, a lot of people don't start at the neck.

[Josh Dean]

I would say most don't start at the neck.

[Rory Scoville]

I bet he was on at least his 10th tattoo when he did the neck also.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. Probably didn't expect there to be a camera in the car.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, in the car, especially.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, yeah, great point. So he's arrested a few days later. That his last name? I'm guessing they took a screenshot and they were like, surely that's not his name.

[Rory Scoville]

Let's chase that down. Right, and so we can mark it off.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, it's his girlfriend or his best friend or his son. Nope, nope.

[Rory Scoville]

I wonder if when they arrest him, they go, hey, we just got to tell you, the neck tattoo, we knew immediate, like, literally. We just saw the footage this morning, and here we are. We're already talking to you.

[Josh Dean]

It's a little like the police monitoring the hire a hitman website.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

When they're like, yeah, surely. I mean, who would ever actually.

[Rory Scoville]

Like, when you're talking to them, you're like, there's no name for this arrest. But we call it. At the station, we call it the opposite of a cold case. We call it a hot case. We call them hotcakes.

[Josh Dean]

So one more thing I want to ask you. Did you wonder why there's a camera in the car?

[Rory Scoville]

Is it an electric car? I mean, what year was this? Oh, you said 2014, right? I don't know. I don't know why there's a camera in the car.

[Josh Dean]

It's not a thing most cars have, I don't think. I mean, maybe they do. Maybe I'm not paranoid enough.

[Rory Scoville]

Well, they electric cars now sort of do. I mean, I know Tesla does.

[Josh Dean]

Well, you'll be much happier by the actual answer to this. Okay, so that car was placed there in the lot by cops to try and tempt Thebes.

[Rory Scoville]

There's so many cops that you can ethically disagree with and hate. You can really hate a lot. But there's some. You're like, there. Some are just having a good time.

[Josh Dean]

Good old time. They're like, why don't we. Let's just see what happens.

[Rory Scoville]

They're just like, hey, when you go fishing, you're not going to always catch anything. Let's just see.

[Josh Dean]

I like to imagine this was the first one and he had the necktop. They're like, oh, we got one.

[Rory Scoville]

I would also like to think that the entire passenger side is a cumbersome tripod with a VHS camcorder. Like, it's so clearly. Oh, what's that? I guess these rich people, cars got crazy things in them.

[Josh Dean]

My car doesn't have one of these

[Rory Scoville]

well, yeah, I don't drive a rich people car, so who knows?

[Josh Dean]

I mean, yeah, imagine that they put it there. He's the first guy, they're like, how long will it take us to catch this one? Oh yeah, what's that on his neck? Is that a name and a date?

[Rory Scoville]

Wow, look at that.

[Josh Dean]

Ah, poor Aaron. He never had a chance. And I believe we've learned so many lessons here. Starting with. I think neck tattoos are just a bad idea in general.

[Rory Scoville]

That's right.

[Josh Dean]

Even if it's not your name. Thus concludes this week's adventures in idiot criminals who rob banks in the most embarrassing ways.

[Rory Scoville]

I love that. That makes me feel so smart in general. This episode actually really raised my self

[Josh Dean]

esteem when we started the whole series with the higher Hitman website. I should have known that people's stupidity

[Rory Scoville]

will never cease to amaze you.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, yeah, I think.

[Kal Penn]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

And surprise you.

[Josh Dean]

All right, let's all ponder that while we powder our noses and prepare for this week's final segment.

[Rory Scoville]

Lane's game

[Lane Rose]

Spooky.

[Josh Dean]

That was the Halloween themed Lanes games. Hey, Crimeless Nation. Vibe coding is everywhere right now. But it's not just for apps anymore. Now it's making its way into website creation. The incredible web building tool WIX has introduced WIX Harmony, a vibe coder for websites that lets you type what you want and generate a site ready to use right away. Complete with forms, payments, security, anything you want, really. All built in. But don't worry, WIX Harmony doesn't require AI for everything. You can still jazz things up a bit if you want. Just click and edit anything manually or select an element and have Aria, your AI agent, make updates for you. It's a smart solution to the frustration of repeatedly prompting AI just to make small changes. And absolutely something I'll use the next time I need a website. I mean, who has time to code? Try it for [e-mail] Harmony. That's Wix.com Harmony.

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[Josh Dean]

Why would I want to hurt you? Why?

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Starring Academy Award winner Javier Bardem.

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Why?

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And Academy Award nominee Amy Adams.

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[Kal Penn]

Hey, everyone, it's Cal Penn, host of Irsay, The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I'm sitting down with Divergent author Veronica Roth to talk about her sprawling new novel, Seek the Traitor's Son. It's a sci fi fantasy epic about two protagonists on. On opposite sides of a war and a prophecy neither of them wanted.

[Veronica Roth]

My first book was Divergent, and when that came out, like, because it was so popular, I think it attracted, like, mostly positivity, but the negativity I sucked in like a sponge. And I think it was, like, critiques of things I liked when I was like. You know, I was 23 and I wrote this book, and it had all my, like, dorky little cheesy or maybe unrealistic loves in it. And I started to feel a lot of shame about those things. And so for the rest of my career, I steered away from those little things that, like, make you feel pleasure when you read. But I also was, like, saying no to these parts of myself that I then was like, screw it.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, so that's this book.

[Kal Penn]

Listen to Irsay the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeartrade radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Josh Dean]

This is crimeless. Hello, crimeless nation. It's that time of the show when we subject ourselves to ridicule by mostly failing at Lanescape.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh. Oh, that was my cue. A failure before a failure. Lanescape.

[Josh Dean]

Wow, you really overcompensated for missing your cue.

[Rory Scoville]

I think hearing that introduction in my head, I was like, oh, In a lot of ways, Josh and I can be just as dumb as these criminals, and Lane sort of proves that every week.

[Lane Rose]

Wow, that's kind of beautiful.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, that was what I was kind of pondering as you were leading me in.

[Lane Rose]

Some beautiful symmetry right now.

[Josh Dean]

I'd be a surprise if next time we just have lain do Lane's games.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Lane Rose]

Oh, I don't know if I'm capable. I don't think my voice can go that low.

[Rory Scoville]

You can do it. Believe in yourself.

[Lane Rose]

Thank you.

[Josh Dean]

What do we have, Lane? What do we. What are we playing?

[Lane Rose]

I'm calling this game what a Steal. It's a Price is Right inspired game. I'm going to Give you an item that is commonly stolen, and you have to tell me the value of that item, and the person closest to without going over wins the point.

[Rory Scoville]

Love it.

[Josh Dean]

Okay. Is this thing locked behind glass at cbs?

[Lane Rose]

Things that probably would get stolen. I mean, if that was the case, that'd be like deodorant.

[Rory Scoville]

Josh, that was such a specific question. It's almost like you tried to prepare for this game.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, I don't know why I asked that.

[Rory Scoville]

Wow. Okay.

[Lane Rose]

All right. Yeah. So first one, a 2026 Ford F150.

[Josh Dean]

2026 Ford.

[Rory Scoville]

Right now. Ford F150.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, that's a electric or regular.

[Lane Rose]

This is just a standard one. The lowest price on ford.com.

[Josh Dean]

we're going MSRP.

[Rory Scoville]

So without the bells and whistles.

[Lane Rose]

The bells and whistles.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm going to go. I'm gonna go $70,000. We'll each take turns going first.

[Josh Dean]

Whoa, 70,000? That's a. I think a Ford F150

[Rory Scoville]

is up there, but I could be. This could be embarrassing. I mean, maybe it's more like 59,000. I don't know.

[Josh Dean]

I was gonna say 49,000.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm gonna go 59,000. Okay. I'm gonna be over Josh. Got it.

[Lane Rose]

Are we playing My Price is Right rules in that if both of you are over, no one gets the point.

[Rory Scoville]

I think we should just go who's closest at the end of the day because we're gonna have some bad ones here.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. So Josh is closest. It's dam. $2,330.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, I might buy. I guess you did say no bells and whistles.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. This is the standard because you could really get up there.

[Rory Scoville]

You can pimp it out.

[Josh Dean]

It has, like, the manual. Like the crank windows, maybe.

[Lane Rose]

I mean, the classic.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, these are crank windows from 85.

[Josh Dean]

Can you still buy a vehicle with crank windows?

[Rory Scoville]

Lane, do you remember a vehicle with. You could buy a used vehicle with crank windows.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, I remember the crank.

[Rory Scoville]

Whoa.

[Lane Rose]

Fond of the crank.

[Rory Scoville]

The crank.

[Josh Dean]

We're all fond of the crank.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, all. Next one, a Cartier Love Unlimited bracelet. Flexible white gold.

[Rory Scoville]

White gold Cartier.

[Josh Dean]

This is one of the most commonly stolen things.

[Lane Rose]

No, it's not commonly. I'm just thinking about expensive things that would get stolen.

[Josh Dean]

Cartier gold. I'm gonna say $1,200.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, Rory.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm gonna go $2,000.

[Lane Rose]

Rory is closer. It's $9,400.

[Rory Scoville]

I had a feeling I was gonna win that one because 12. 1200 is very low.

[Josh Dean]

Buy a lot of Gold.

[Lane Rose]

You know, my Cartier for your. For your special lady.

[Rory Scoville]

You don't buy gold. How do you survive? How do you buy groceries?

[Josh Dean]

Rory has put all of his money into gold.

[Rory Scoville]

I've only gone gold. I'm always gold. Gold, gold, gold, gold, gold.

[Lane Rose]

All right, next up, we got a Louis Vuitton. The Neverfull. Mm. This is a handbag.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, bags are always surprisingly expensive. I'm going to say $4,000.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, it was my turn to go for.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, sorry. I like that you showed your card.

[Josh Dean]

Sorry, sorry.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm gonna go $8,000.

[Lane Rose]

Hey. Well, Josh is. You're both over, but Josh is closer. It's 2,170 bucks.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, I don't really know what anything Louis Vuitton costs.

[Josh Dean]

I also, like, wildly overestimated the bag. Wildly underestimated the gold.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, you did.

[Lane Rose]

All right, two more.

[Josh Dean]

Rory, you go first. This time. I jumped the gun.

[Lane Rose]

Prada cymbole sunglasses. Prada symbol sunglasses. I don't know how to say this. I don't buy fancy sunglasses.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm going to go $1,500.

[Josh Dean]

Prada $900.

[Lane Rose]

Josh is closer is 525 bucks.

[Josh Dean]

I'm dominating this game.

[Rory Scoville]

What? Why do I live in a world where I think everything is so expensive? I mean, it is, though, right? I mean, I'm not saying $500 is not expensive, but I'm clearly misinterpreting how expensive these things are.

[Lane Rose]

I guess it says you buy. Realistically, you buy things at Costco. I don't know. You like a good deal?

[Rory Scoville]

I think so. I get my Prada at Costco.

[Lane Rose]

All right, this is the last one. It's the MagnaFlow, OEM grade federal EPA compliant universal catalytic converter. Did I say that right?

[Rory Scoville]

This is such a curve ball.

[Lane Rose]

I mean, I only say this because I got my converter stolen once.

[Rory Scoville]

I know it's a common thing.

[Lane Rose]

It's pretty common.

[Rory Scoville]

That's a big thing on the Toyota Priuses.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Yep, yep. I have no idea. I've never had mine stolen because obviously, I take my auto security more seriously

[Rory Scoville]

than you do, because you lock yours down.

[Josh Dean]

I put one of those clubs because

[Rory Scoville]

you put you to the steering wheel.

[Josh Dean]

I put it on the converter.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Oddly, it works on the steering wheel. They don't steal the converter. I don't know why that is. I'm going to say. Oh, I feel like people steal them. It must be quite valuable. $2,000. Rory should not.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm gonna go $2,100. Oh, I'm gonna go $2,001.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, so I'm just factoring in the. Just like what it's listed for on autozone.com and that is $194.

[Rory Scoville]

What is wrong with us?

[Josh Dean]

What the hell?

[Lane Rose]

But I guess you could factor in insurance and cost, people stealing these things.

[Josh Dean]

I know. For $100, is that worth it?

[Lane Rose]

I mean, maybe.

[Rory Scoville]

Maybe it's not hard to get. I guess maybe it's a quick start and you go through a neighborhood and you run, you know, five or six of them.

[Josh Dean]

It's a volume plug.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. I mean, you could get one for 90 bucks. You can get one for 200. Some like it's. Who knows? Who knows?

[Rory Scoville]

Josh destroyed me.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, Josh won. Price is right.

[Josh Dean]

Despite having no actual knowledge of any of those things.

[Rory Scoville]

That's. Well, Josh, that actually makes it harder for me to accept the defeat knowing that I lost to someone who knew maybe even less than I did.

[Josh Dean]

You just walk around thinking everything's more expensive than it really is.

[Lane Rose]

You're denying yourself the luxury.

[Josh Dean]

You think a man who ate ooni pasta was like a luxury pasta?

[Lane Rose]

How much is a plate of ooni pasta?

[Josh Dean]

I feel like it's like 30 some bucks.

[Rory Scoville]

$3,000.

[Josh Dean]

$3,000? Oh. Cause I get it. Rory Reeds, he doesn't see the point if it's $30. He thinks it's 3,000.

[Rory Scoville]

Wait, he sees extra zeros.

[Lane Rose]

So going back, Rory actually won with based on his disability?

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

What does that disability called? I'm not sure.

[Rory Scoville]

I see too many zeros. I see dead zeros.

[Josh Dean]

All right, we'll see you next week.

[Rory Scoville]

Bye. Bye.

[Josh Dean]

Crimlyss is a production of Smartless Media, Campside Media and Big Money Players in partnership with with iHeart podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scoville and me, Josh Dean. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Siminoff is our associate producer. This episode was edited, sound, designed and engineered by Marina Paiz. Our studio engineer is Ewan Leitromuin. Mark McAdam composed our theme song. The executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriadas, Matt Sher and me, Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart podcasts and Big Money Players are Jack O', Brien, Lindsey Hoffman and Matt Apodaca. For Smartloads Media, the executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes and Richard Courson. Bernie Kaminski is head of production. The associate producer is Matty McCann. A special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and Sabina Mara. Do you have a question, comment or confession for the Crimeless Team. Email [e-mail] and if you enjoyed Crimeless, please rate and review the show wherever you get your podcasts. It helps people find the show and also makes us feel validated. Unless you're mean, in which case keep it to yourself. We'll see you next week. Crimeless Nation

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Lane Rose]

What?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yes, with all new episodes of Tyler Terry's Divorce Sisters you've always liked, a little drama, plus a whole new world of movies like Gladiator 2.

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Now I will control an empire.

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[Josh Dean]

Just make sure we protect each other

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[Josh Dean]

Welcome to the history books.

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[Lane Rose]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.