How to ruin a holiday party

Summary

CrimeLess – "How to Ruin a Holiday Party"

Podcast: CrimeLess (iHeartPodcasts + Smartless Media)
Hosts: Rory Scoville & Josh Dean
Release Date: December 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this holiday-themed episode, comedians Rory Scoville and journalist Josh Dean dive into two wild stories of holiday parties gone completely sideways—a Taco Bell Christmas party that turns into an orgy and an ugly sweater party that leads to an international incident involving a priceless Chinese artifact. As always, the hosts riff hilariously on the details, reflect on corporate party etiquette, and riff with irreverent, self-deprecating commentary. The show closes with a holiday edition of the recurring "Lane’s Game" segment, this time all about guessing the plots of Hallmark Christmas movies.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Icebreaker Banter: Partying Too Hard & Holiday Spirit (01:25–03:48)

• Warm-up: The hosts swap stories about overindulging at holiday parties, with Rory joking about never being invited to an orgy.

  "I've never been invited to an orgy, and it's not for lack of trying." – Rory (01:05)

• Holiday Creep: Both bemoan how the holiday season seems to start earlier each year.
• Segue: Teasing two cautionary tales—one ending with the police, the other involving the Chinese government.

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2. Story 1: The Infamous Taco Bell Holiday Party (03:48–16:30)

Setting the Scene

• San Pedro, California, 2022: Taco Bell holds a staff holiday party, with windows and security cameras covered in wrapping paper.
• Staff/Guests: Alana Becyam (cashier, new employee), Lydia Ruiz (manager), coworkers, and guests.

The Events

• Potluck: Alana brings guacamole—“Classic.”—Rory (06:14).

• Suspicious Festivity: Windows and, notably, security cameras are covered—causing Rory and Josh to chuckle at the "smartness" and what might be hidden (07:10).

  “You don’t want Big Brother watching you, not at a Christmas party. Come on.”—Rory (07:16)

• The Orgy Revealed (08:46):
  When Alana steps inside, she finds coworker Jonathan having sex with his wife in front of everyone, while his wife is kissing manager Lydia and another coworker.

  “So, wrapping paper on the security cameras makes more sense now, right?” – Josh (09:03)

• Barfing & Guac Tragedy: Returning for her guacamole bowl, Alana discovers coworkers vomiting—including into the guac.

  “One [coworker] was puking into the guacamole bowl. Okay, yeah, so they maybe got a little bit out of hand.” – Josh (11:10)

Fallout & Aftermath

• HR Mayhem:

  • Alana reports the incident. After an investigation, participating coworkers are fired.
  • Alana receives escalating threats—texts, insults, and car vandalism. Instead of punishing others, Taco Bell transfers her.
  • Alana quits and later files a wrongful termination suit; the case is quietly dismissed after dragging on for a year.

• Noteworthy Quotes:

  • “Oh, very Catholic Church of them. Got it.” – Rory, reacting to management’s decision to transfer Alana rather than the offenders (13:50)
  • “About a year later, she filed a wrongful termination lawsuit [...] that her 'constructive termination' violated anti-discrimination laws.” – Josh (14:06)
  • “Maybe I'm back to Team Lydia. I mean, tattooed sideburns, get out of my face. That’s great.” – Rory (15:30)

• Local Color: According to a Google review, Lydia is back managing, and one review accuses her of “letting kids smoke inside” (15:07–15:29).

• Reflection: Every company has a wild side; Taco Bell is no different.

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3. Story 2: The Phillies Fan & The Terracotta Thumb (21:23–35:14)

Setting the Scene

• Philadelphia, 2017: Michael Rohanna, a young shoe salesman from Delaware, attends a Franklin Institute "science after hours" holiday party.

The Incident

• Museum Misadventure:
  After drinks, Michael sneaks under a velvet rope into a dark exhibit. He finds himself among ten priceless terracotta warriors—historic, ancient Chinese artifacts.

  “He poses for some selfies. He’s wearing a green holiday sweater and, of course, a Phillies hat.” – Josh (25:13)

• Crossing the (Crime) Line:
  Michael snaps off the thumb of one warrior, pockets it, and returns home.

  “At some point, Michael snaps the thumb off one of the warriors, the cavalryman, as he’s known, and he sticks it in his pocket.” – Josh (26:07)

Fallout & International Outrage

• Caught by the FBI:
  Weeks later, the museum notices. The FBI tracks down Michael, who confesses and returns the thumb.

• Legal Fallout:
  Federal prosecutors charge Michael with theft of cultural heritage and interstate transport of a stolen item—facing decades in prison.

• Why So Severe?
  China is incensed; only 10 warriors are allowed to leave China at a time, and theft of such artifacts is a national scandal.

  • “A Chinese man was sentenced to death back in the 80s for stealing the head of one.” – Josh (29:26)

• Quote, Michael’s Lawyer:

  “He wasn’t ninja-clothing sneaking around the museum. He was a drunk kid in a bright green ugly Christmas sweater.” – (30:31)

• Jury Confusion:
  Court must decide if the thumb is worth more than $5,000. Prosecution says $150k; defense says $1,000 (cost to reattach). Mistrial declared; China is not happy.

• International Commentary:

  “Since he’s not guilty, can I also take the Statue of Liberty’s torch?” – Chinese social media user (32:34)

• Resolution:
  After 7 years of legal limbo, in 2023, Michael pleads to a misdemeanor (trafficking in archaeological resources):

  • Sentence: 5 years probation, $5,000 fine, 100 hours of community service.

  “I was wasting my time with no goals and no vision [...] This has been a huge wakeup call for me.” – Michael, to the court (35:04)

• Reflection:

  • The artwork will never be publicly displayed again.
  • Michael considers selling rare sneakers to pay restitution.

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4. Self-Reflection and Takeaways (35:25–36:32)

• The hosts discuss the lessons: Don't tamper with artwork or overdo it at holiday parties.
• Relatable Confession:

  "A younger me would have definitely had a couple drinks and wanted people to know I went into the museum... I can easily see me doing that. And I don’t mean super young. I mean maybe two, three years ago.” – Rory (35:32)

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5. Lane’s Game: Hallmark Holiday Movie Guessing (36:34–45:57)

A festive, comedic finale to the episode! Producer Lane quizzes Rory and Josh on the plots of Hallmark Christmas movies—based on titles alone.
Format: Lane provides a real Hallmark movie title; hosts guess the plot, riffing and joking.

Memorable Exchanges

• On “An Unexpected Christmas”:

  • Both: “Pregnancy. I’m feeling pregnancy.” (39:09)
  • Actual Plot: Political speechwriter hides breakup, ex-girlfriend visits, reignite romance.
  • Rory: “What a horrible fucking guess. That’s a great…I would be in that.” (40:17)

• On “Santa’s Stakeout”:

  • Hosts guess a wholesome, detective-themed romcom.
  • Actual Plot: Rookie and veteran cop go undercover as a married couple to catch a holiday party thief (Santa suspect).
  • Lane: “Could be their main suspect is a friendly neighborhood Santa who has a criminal past.” (42:33)
  • Rory: “I would gladly play the Santa Claus criminal.” (43:02)

• On “A Shoe Addict’s Christmas”:

  • The hosts imagine a shallow, shoe-obsessed romance.
  • Actual Plot: Woman, stranded in a department store, meets a magic-shoe-dispensing guardian angel (Jean Smart) and a hunky fireman.
  • Lane: “Jane Smart keeps reappearing with magic shoes to transport her to Christmas past and future…” (44:39)
  • Rory, on Candace Cameron Bure: “She is part of the rotation. It’s very Harlem Globetrotters against the Generals. That's what a Hallmark movie is.” (45:26)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I've never been invited to an orgy, and it's not for lack of trying."
  — Rory Scoville (01:05)
• "One [coworker] was puking into the guacamole bowl."
  — Josh Dean (11:10)
• "Oh, very Catholic Church of them. Got it."
  — Rory, on Taco Bell’s response (13:50)
• “He wasn’t ninja-clothing sneaking around the museum. He was a drunk kid in a bright green ugly Christmas sweater.”
  — Lawyer for Michael Rohanna (30:31)
• “Since he’s not guilty, can I also take the Statue of Liberty’s torch?”
  — Chinese social media user, via Josh (32:34)
• “I would gladly play the Santa Claus criminal.”
  — Rory, re: Hallmark movie plots (43:02)

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:48] – Story 1 introduction: The Taco Bell Party
• [08:46] – The orgy at the Taco Bell holiday party revealed
• [11:10] – Coworkers vomiting into guacamole bowl
• [13:50] – Taco Bell’s HR response and aftermath
• [21:23] – Story 2 introduction: Phillies fan & terracotta warrior
• [26:00] – The thumb theft
• [28:12] – Legal repercussions and international outrage
• [32:34] – Chinese social media outrage
• [33:41] – Final legal outcome for Michael
• [36:34] – Lane’s Game: Hallmark Christmas movie guessing

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Tone & Style

The episode blends genuine curiosity for crime and true crime quirks with snarky, irreverent jokes and pop-culture references. Both hosts riff with self-deprecating humor and invite frequent asides and tangents, especially around absurdity or moral ambiguity.

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Summary Takeaway

This special holiday episode delivers a hilarious, eye-popping look at what can go wrong when holiday cheer becomes holiday chaos—whether it’s a Taco Bell Christmas orgy, or a drunken thumb heist that sparks an international incident. The hosts celebrate the creativity (or idiocy) of the world’s weirdest criminals while warning listeners to keep their parties in check and their hands off priceless artifacts.

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Perfect for listeners who want true crime, comic banter, and tales that will make you the life of your next—hopefully more boring—holiday party.

Transcript

[Announcer]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.

[Evan Ratliff]

Hi, Kyle. Could you draw up a quick document with a basic business plan? Just one page as a Google Doc and send me the link. Thanks.

[Josh Dean]

Hey, just finished drawing up that quick one page business plan for you. Here's the link.

[Evan Ratliff]

But there was no link. There was no business plan. I hadn't programmed Kyle to be able to do that yet. I'm Evan Ratliff, here with the story of entrepreneurship in the AI age. Listen as I attempt to build a real startup run by fake people. Check out the second season of my podcast shell game on iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Matt Graves]

Hey, listeners, this is Matt Graves, host of the Butcher of Moss, the unbelievable story of a terrifying series of sadistic murders and a quest to find the killer three decades later. I'm excited to share the Butcher of Moss with you and want to let you know that you can get access to all episodes 100% ad free with an I Heart True Crime plus subscription available exclusive exclusively on Apple Podcasts. So don't wait. Head to Apple Podcasts, search for I Heart True Crime plus and subscribe today.

[Rory Scoville]

I've never been invited to an orgy, and it's not for lack of trying.

[Announcer]

Campsite media smart.

[Rory Scoville]

Less media.

[Josh Dean]

Rory, have you ever overdone it at a holiday party? I mean, one too many Dixie cups of the glog?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, I feel like I've probably overdone it at any party. Doesn't have to be holiday themed or related, but yeah, for sure. I've definitely gone a little too deep if we're talking about the sauce.

[Josh Dean]

Has anyone ever made you uncomfortable, like by grabbing you under the mistletoe?

[Rory Scoville]

No.

[Josh Dean]

No.

[Rory Scoville]

People avoid me because I've. By then I've already. By then I've gone a little too big, so they avoid me.

[Josh Dean]

There's just something about company Christmas parties that makes people go loco. Entire Reddit threads are dedicated to party nightmares. And today we have two stories of people who partied so hard. The police, and in one case, the Chinese government, had to swoop in.

[Announcer]

What?

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, I already love this.

[Josh Dean]

Yes, let's get festive but safely after the break. Hello, and welcome back to Crimeless, the podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals and sometimes serves as an arbiter for proper behavior at company functions. I'm Josh Dean.

[Rory Scoville]

And I am Rory Scoville, here to celebrate these numbskull idiots with you.

[Josh Dean]

It's holiday season, Rory. Can you feel it in the air?

[Rory Scoville]

I do, actually. Feel it in the air. But it's hard to interpret because holiday season starts in, like, late September now, so you don't. There will be a time before you and I leave this earth, Josh, where Christmas does become year round.

[Josh Dean]

It is true. It's like Halloween starts in the middle of summer, and as soon as they put away the candy, the Christmas trees come out.

[Danny Shapiro]

Right.

[Rory Scoville]

Thanksgiving is really becoming an afterthought wedged between two major money makers.

[Josh Dean]

Attending any holiday parties, you think?

[Rory Scoville]

I hope so. I hope I get the invite. I would hate to find out that I'm a little too much again. I'd hate to get confirmation that I am indeed too much.

[Josh Dean]

Well, I'd like to consider today's stories as cautionary tales about what happens when you do overdo it at a holiday function. Yes, lest you ruin Christmas. Or worse, get hr, the police, or possibly the Chinese government involved. So let's start with an important question that may seem a little bit random. What's your go to Taco Bell order?

[Rory Scoville]

Great question. Haven't been to Taco Bell in a super long time, but I think I always did the crunchy gordita. Yeah, I think that's what I did.

[Josh Dean]

There's a.

[Rory Scoville]

Can I. I know this is sidestepping where you're trying to go right now, but can I just say, everything at Taco Bell, while we all know is not great for you, is very delicious. And I've always wondered why Mexican restaurants don't pick a couple things off the Taco Bell menu that are clearly not even authentically Mexican and just make the fresh version of that. I feel like that would crush. That's all I want to say. That's my pitch to the sharks. There you go.

[Josh Dean]

I completely agree. Well, I asked you that because that's the scene of the crime for our first story of holiday parties gone awry.

[Rory Scoville]

Nice setting. Here we go.

[Josh Dean]

In 2022, a woman named Alana Becyam was working as a cashier at a Taco Bell in San Pedro, California, which is near Long Beach.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay.

[Josh Dean]

She'd worked there less than a year, and she was invited to the location's holiday party. I mean, the first holiday party at your new workplace is an important milestone. Professionally. I think it helps build camaraderie with your co workers during a stressful time of year and shows you can hang. Right.

[Rory Scoville]

I just want to double check. So you're talking about a holiday party at. With the Taco Bell crew?

[Josh Dean]

Yep, that is correct.

[Rory Scoville]

I honestly, I feel like a jerk for not even realizing that all places of employment would probably have a holiday party. Right.

[Josh Dean]

Well, it's fair.

[Rory Scoville]

You might it feel so corporate.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, it's a chain restaurant, right? Like how they're not good because it's open 24 hours. Right?

[Rory Scoville]

So 24 hours. When do they have time to party? I guess holiday parties just feel so, like white collar corporate. But you know what? You're right, Josh. You're right.

[Josh Dean]

Well, Alana was about to find out that she indeed could not hang. Oh. So her manager, a woman named Lydia Ruiz. And I name her because she later shows up in court documents, invites the whole staff to this party to truly live Moss, and encouraged everyone to bring food for a potluck buffet. You have no idea where this is going, so you're in for a real treat.

[Rory Scoville]

I just like that you said Liv Moss. Like, man, he's applying it. He really does love Taco Bell.

[Josh Dean]

Alana believed it was a corporate approved event, seeing that they were using the actual restaurant as the venue. And she invited her sister and her sister's partner. So on December 18, Alana and her guests arrive at Taco Bell. She brings guacamole for the potluck.

[Rory Scoville]

Classic.

[Josh Dean]

I'm assuming they had plenty of chips on hand.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, you would assume that. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

And just side note, I don't know that I would bring Mexican food to the Taco Bell Christmas party. I might go a little crazy and bring, I don't know, Italian food, Maybe a pizza.

[Rory Scoville]

I was thinking Italian, too. I think I'd bring like a pepperoni pizza.

[Josh Dean]

So this is our scene. Alana, her sister, her sister's partner, and a big old bowl of guac rolling up to Taco Bell for a party that's about to give a whole new meaning to the current corporate slogan. Do you know what that is?

[Rory Scoville]

No.

[Josh Dean]

Think outside the buns.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, so that's your first.

[Rory Scoville]

This is great, the suspense, Josh.

[Josh Dean]

The first thing they notice is that the windows are all covered in wrapping paper, which. Okay, not that weird. It's a Christmas party. Let's just wrap the whole restaurant. But when they get inside, Alana notices that the security cameras are also wrapped in wrapping paper.

[Rory Scoville]

Smart.

[Josh Dean]

I guess. That is pretty. I mean, even if nothing untoward is going to happen, that's smart, right? You don't want someone to get an HR virus.

[Rory Scoville]

You don't need Big brother watching you. Not at a Christmas party.

[Josh Dean]

Come on. According to court documents, yes. That's where this is going. Lydia provided the booze for the party. She Sounds like a good manager. She just wants everyone to have a Baja blast.

[Rory Scoville]

I. I'm. I'm Team Lydia. So far.

[Josh Dean]

So far. So far, so good, right?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So Alana spends most of the party socializing with her co workers outside the restaurant. This being California, the nights are mild. There's plenty of space in the parking lot.

[Rory Scoville]

Can I interrupt with a question?

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Rory Scoville]

Do you. Do you already know how many people are at this party? And if not, what are you picturing? But maybe you. You do already know.

[Josh Dean]

I actually don't know the number, and I. I feel like a bad journalist for not doing.

[Rory Scoville]

No, I don't. Maybe it's not even given, but for some reason, I'm finding finding it funnier in my head because I'm picturing that it's like seven people.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. Right. Because how many people are working at a Taco Bell at a given time?

[Rory Scoville]

It's like three. Right. I don't know what a staff would be, but I'm definitely way under, and I'm even. And I mean guests. I mean, outsiders have been brought in.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I'm with you. I'm picturing. Yeah. You know, you got 20.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

On the high side. Right? Because you figured 22, three shifts. They each have two or three people.

[Rory Scoville]

Two, three shifts. And also everyone brought one to two people.

[Josh Dean]

All right, well, I don't know the number, but I think. I'm guessing it's not. We're not talking hundreds of people. That would be. So he's hanging out in the parking lot. Around midnight, she decides to pop back inside, see how things are going. And this is when things take a turn. Rory.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

Because when she opened the door, she did not see her fellow employees giggling over the guac bowl. She saw her co worker, Jonathan, having sex with his wife in front of everyone.

[Rory Scoville]

Huh.

[Josh Dean]

And his wife was kissing Taco Bell manager Lydia, as well as another coworker named Adriana.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

[Josh Dean]

So wrapping paper on the security cameras makes more sense now, right?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean. Yeah. Yes.

[Josh Dean]

Already wondering, like, so did people know in advance this is where it was headed? Like, didn't feel like they needed to tell Alana.

[Rory Scoville]

I have so many. Like, what? Yeah, literally what you just said, if you know that's going to be the theme of the party. Do you. Don't double check with everyone. Hey, you cool with this?

[Josh Dean]

Just bring some. Bring something for the potluck.

[Rory Scoville]

Rory, also. Also, so far, what you've said about the sexual interaction, wildly legal. Yes. Like, no need to do this at Taco Bell. No need to.

[Josh Dean]

So after what I'm assuming was some very uncomfortable eye contact, Alana runs outside. She is, quote, shocked, disgusted, and outraged, according to court documents, which is ironic because that's how I felt when they took Mexican pizza off the menu.

[Rory Scoville]

I was going to say I used to get Mexican pizza, and every single time was disappointed because I thought. I don't know, I guess I just wanted more of a pizza type vibe to it.

[Josh Dean]

Yep. Well, Lana's outside, she's shocked, she's disgusted. A short time later, Jonathan emerges after making sweet love to his wife and the boss and his co worker. Yeah, which made Alana think it was safe to go back inside and rescue her guacamole bowl.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, God. Oh, she cares about the guac bowl.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I might have left it. At this stage, I woulda.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I don't think I'm sticking around. I don't think I want that back. Yeah, exactly.

[Josh Dean]

Well, wait till you hear our next twist. Rory. So what do you think she walked in on this time?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, I feel like sex is still. It's sex or drugs. I think it's still sex. I think just because Jonathan is tapped out doesn't mean everybody's ready to leave.

[Josh Dean]

Well, Alana, when she goes back in, she spots her manager and Adriana, but now they're not having sex, they're barfing. One is bent over a trash can, and the other was puking into the guacamole bowl. Okay, yeah, so they maybe got a little bit out of hand. They drank too much, the sex maybe got a little vigorous, and they got the spins. I'm not sure what happened, but we're now barfing.

[Rory Scoville]

Well, Jonathan needed some air, too. He understood what was going on.

[Josh Dean]

Luckily, Alana's able to de escalate the situation, probably by running away, which is what I would have done.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

And honestly, probably what I would have done the first time I walked in and realized my company party was a weird orgy.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. If I walked in and saw it was a weird orgy, I think I'm probably grabbing the guac bowl right then. You know what I mean? Like, let's get the guac bowl home safe.

[Josh Dean]

And your sister and her partner, like.

[Rory Scoville]

Sorry, where were they? Were they just in there? Like, y' all have weird parties, Your company's crazy.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, the sister's partner. Yeah. Must have been like, what is what.

[Rory Scoville]

We wish you a merry Christmas? Just constantly trying to get caroling going while the sex is happening.

[Josh Dean]

So you may be wondering at this point. Josh, this story is gross and uncomfortable, but this show is called Crimeless. And I'm still not sure any crimes have been committed.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I don't think so. Well, I don't know. On company grounds, but I don't know.

[Josh Dean]

Hang in there, buddy. Because two days after the party, Alana files a complaint with the HR department. I can only imagine the HR manager's reaction when this email comes in. Yeah, at Taco Bell Corporate. Yeah, I wonder what happened at the San Pedro party.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, well, let's just check the cameras. Oh, well, there's them wrapping them so we can't see anything.

[Danny Shapiro]

All right.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, so that's sign one. Something happened.

[Josh Dean]

Probably just someone getting a little handsy. Let's see. Oh, dear.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess they wouldn't have any footage, right? They would have no idea.

[Josh Dean]

It's all hearsay.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, it's all hearsay.

[Josh Dean]

So an investigation into the incident was launched. Lydia, Adrianna, and Jonathan were all subsequently fired, which feels, I think, appropriate. But on December 22, Alana starts getting threats from her co workers. One text reads, you've been running your mouth for the longest, so run them hands. Which I don't totally understand, if I'm being honest, but it's a little menacing.

[Rory Scoville]

So run them hands, huh?

[Josh Dean]

It's a mystery.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what that means.

[Josh Dean]

Another co worker called her names like a hoe and a slut, which feels ironic. She was not. Actually.

[Rory Scoville]

There's a little bit of hypocrisy in there.

[Josh Dean]

Exactly. And threatened her family members. Someone even smashed her car window in. Okay, so, okay, now we have crimes.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

Against property. I believe these are threats. Alana files a police report about the broken window, reports the threats to Taco Bell management. But instead of punishing the employees who've been threatening her, they transferred her to a new location.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, very Catholic church of them. Got it.

[Josh Dean]

So on Christmas Eve 2022, Alana, who just wanted her new coworkers to like her guacamole, quit her job, citing significant stress and anxiety from a hostile work environment. About a year later, she filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against the company that owned that location. In her complaint, she alleged that she has suffered actual, consequential and incidental financial losses and that her, quote, constructive termination, violated anti discrimination laws. I guess that means because they moved her to a new location instead of.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I like this. I like what's. I like the justice that's being sought.

[Josh Dean]

But Taco Bell Corporate issues a particularly Mild statement about this. It says, while we don't own or manage this location, the franchisee who owns and operates the restaurant has shared that they take these claims very seriously. So, lawyered, huh? After a few years in the court system, the case is dismissed at Alana's request. My guess is she's just ready to move on with her life. Yeah, because these things can take a long time in court. Or maybe by then she'd reconsider her views on party threesomes.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. And now she's like, you know what? Why didn't I jump in?

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, you only live once.

[Rory Scoville]

Why didn't I see what's going on closer?

[Josh Dean]

I'm also happy to report that, at least according to a Google review posted six months ago, that Lydia the manager is back managing at that Taco Bell.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes. Yes.

[Josh Dean]

And how do I know that? Because some dude named Frank gave her customer service one star, claiming that she has sideburns tattooed on her face and that she lets kids smoke inside the restaurant.

[Rory Scoville]

Maybe this is a fun taco, but maybe. Maybe I'm back to Team Lydia. Is that what it was? What was the.

[Josh Dean]

It was Lydia. Yeah, Team Lydia.

[Rory Scoville]

Maybe I'm back to Team Lydia. I mean, tattooed sideburns, get out of my face. That's great.

[Josh Dean]

I like this, that it's not just people smoke. At least she lets kids smoke.

[Rory Scoville]

She's like, hey, guys, have fun. This is Taco Bell.

[Josh Dean]

Liv Moth.

[Rory Scoville]

Are we thinking outside the bun yet? Burger King's not going to let you do this.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, Frank, if these Taco Bell walls could talk.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Imagine what Frank is experiencing when he's like, what? What the fuck? Just seeing kids smoking. What the fuck is this?

[Josh Dean]

He looks up, that location is like, oh, dear.

[Rory Scoville]

And Lydia's like, what can I get you? What do you want? We have sex club here on Thursdays and definitely Christmas.

[Josh Dean]

We've got a special on seven lighter burritos and sex night on Thursday.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I think, like, she should go back at Christmas and just be like, do they still have these parties? Just, like, walk in, like, I knew it. You guys are back to the same fucking thing.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I mean, I bet the next time you see a Taco Bell with the windows covered in wrapping paper, you're going to stop.

[Rory Scoville]

You're going to know. You're going to know.

[Josh Dean]

That's the sign I've.

[Rory Scoville]

I was on a show called Physical and we filmed near this Taco Bell in San Pedro.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, really?

[Rory Scoville]

That's right.

[Josh Dean]

Did you eat there?

[Rory Scoville]

So I'm well aware of these locations. And now I know that I was never invited to part take.

[Josh Dean]

I'm not going to ask you if you've ever been invited to an orgy.

[Rory Scoville]

I've never been invited to an orgy. You don't even have to. I'll just divulge that you got a lot.

[Josh Dean]

You're still young man. Plenty of time.

[Rory Scoville]

Hey, and it's not for lack of trying. I have made it very clear I want to be invited. And no one cares.

[Josh Dean]

After the break, a different story about a holiday party gone awry featuring a Phillies fan who had won too many cocktails and sparked an international incident.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Evan Ratliff]

Hi Kyle. Could you draw up a quick document with the basic business plan? Just one page as a Google Doc and send me the link. Thanks.

[Josh Dean]

Hey, just finished drawing up that quick one page business plan for you. Here's the link.

[Evan Ratliff]

But there was no link. There was no business plan. It's not his fault. I hadn't programmed Kyle to be able to do that yet. My name is Evan Ratliff. I decided to create Kyle, my AI co founder, after hearing a lot of stuff like this from OpenAI CEO Sam Alderman.

[Josh Dean]

There's this betting pool for the first year that there's a one person billion dollar company which would have been like unimaginable without AI. And now will happen.

[Evan Ratliff]

I got to thinking, could I be that one person? I'd made AI agents before for my award winning podcast, Shell Game. This season on Shell Game, I'm trying to build a real company with a real product run by fake people.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, hey Evan. Good to have you join us. I found some really interesting data on adoption rates for AI agents as in.

[Announcer]

Small to medium businesses.

[Evan Ratliff]

Listen to Shell game on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Matt Graves]

Hey listeners, this is Matt Graves, host of le Monstre Season 2, the Butcher of Mals. In the mid-90s in the city of Mans in Belgium, women began to go missing one after the other. Despite a sprawling investigation, including assistance from the American FBI, the murders have never been solved.

[Announcer]

Police are now confirming that the body.

[Josh Dean]

Cut into pieces and stuffed into two plastic.

[Matt Graves]

Three decades later, we've unearthed new evidence, new witnesses and new suspects. I'm excited to share the Butcher of Moss with you and want to let you know that you can get access to all episodes 100% ad free with an I Heart True Crime plus subscription available exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Plus you'll get access to all episodes of the monster franchise Bingeable ad free and with exclusive bonus episodes available only to I Heart True Crime plus subscribers. So don't wait. Head to Apple Podcasts. Search for I Heart True Crime plus.

[Danny Shapiro]

Hi, I'm Danny Shapiro, host of the hit podcast Family Secrets.

[Rory Scoville]

We were in the car like a rolling stone came on and he said, there's a line in there about your mother.

[Malcolm Gladwell]

And I said, what?

[Danny Shapiro]

What?

[Rory Scoville]

What I would do if I didn't feel like I was being accepted is choose an identity that other people can't have.

[Announcer]

I knew something had happened to me in the middle of the night, but I couldn't hold on to what had happened.

[Danny Shapiro]

These are just a few of the moving and important stories I'll be holding space for on my upcoming 13th season of Family Secrets. Whether you've been on this journey with me from season one or just joining the Family Secrets family, we're so happy to have you with us. I'll dive deep into the incredible power of secrets, the ones that shape our identities, test our relationships, and ultimately reveal who we truly are. Listen to Family secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Malcolm Gladwell]

Malcolm Gladwell here. This season on Revisionist History. We're going back to the spring of 1988, to a town in northwest Alabama where a man committed a crime that would spiral out of control. 35 years. That's how long Elizabeth Senate's family waited.

[Rory Scoville]

For justice to occur.

[Malcolm Gladwell]

35 long years. I want to figure out why this case went on for as long as it did, why it took so many bizarre and unsettling turns along the way, and why, despite our best efforts to resolve suffering, we all too often make suffering worse.

[Announcer]

He would say to himself, turn to the right, to the victim's family, and apologize.

[Rory Scoville]

Turn to the left. Tell my family I love him.

[Announcer]

So he had this little practice. To the right.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm sorry. To the left.

[Announcer]

I love you.

[Malcolm Gladwell]

From Revisionist History, this is the Alabama Murders. Listen to Revisionist the Alabama murders on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Josh Dean]

Hello, and welcome back to Crimeless, the only podcast brave enough to tell the truth about holiday parties.

[Rory Scoville]

That's right, Rory.

[Josh Dean]

Now that you've heard the truth, a story about a Taco Bell party that turned into an orgy. You may be thinking things couldn't possibly get worse for America's holiday gatherings.

[Rory Scoville]

God, I hope so. I hope it gets worse.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. Because for at least one guy in Delaware, it's not. Definitely not true.

[Rory Scoville]

Probably a lot of guys in Delaware, and we just know about this one.

[Josh Dean]

Guy Allow me to introduce you to Michael Rohanna, a then 24 year old shoe salesman from Bear, Delaware, who drove into Philly in December of 2017 to attend an ugly sweater party at the famous Franklin Institute museum. Okay. Ever been there?

[Rory Scoville]

I have not. No.

[Josh Dean]

Great museum.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay.

[Josh Dean]

In fact, it's one of America's most acclaimed science museums. Named for that OG Philly legend, Ben Franklin.

[Rory Scoville]

Benjamin. Got it.

[Josh Dean]

Perhaps you've heard of him.

[Rory Scoville]

Benny boy. Jim. Benny boy.

[Josh Dean]

Yep. But on this night in 2017, the museum is hosting a science after hours holiday party that Michael and his pals decide to hit up. So I guess it's open to the public. You probably pay 10 bucks to show up. Party in a museum.

[Rory Scoville]

Cool.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, seems fun.

[Rory Scoville]

I would do that.

[Josh Dean]

Me too. I don't know if they pre gamed or just had too many cups of the spiked punch, but around 9pm Michael makes one of the most consequential bad decisions of his young life.

[Rory Scoville]

9Pm is so on the early side. That is not the hour that something like this happens.

[Announcer]

Okay.

[Josh Dean]

He drove up from Delaware hot looking to party.

[Rory Scoville]

He drank on the way. He had some drinks on the way.

[Josh Dean]

They tailgated outside the Franklin Institute.

[Rory Scoville]

That's exactly right.

[Josh Dean]

Michael slips off and ducks under a rope that divides the section of the museum open for the party from its closed exhibits. And where does he end up? In the middle of an exhibit of 10 almost priceless terracotta warriors from the legendary collection of 8,000 clay soldiers buried by China's first emperor and discovered back in 1974.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay. I was wondering how we were gonna tie these worlds together. And here we go.

[Josh Dean]

Do you know these warriors, though?

[Rory Scoville]

I do, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

They're pretty cool. Apparently some peasants were digging a well in Changxi province and just stumbled upon them. They were all like, literally built to be buried with this emperor.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Can you imagine stumbling into that and being like, what the fuck?

[Josh Dean]

That would.

[Rory Scoville]

You'd never. You would never be able to lose that initial reaction to, oh my God, what is this?

[Josh Dean]

From like part of one to. To a whole one to 8,000 of.

[Rory Scoville]

Them ending, going, they're unending.

[Josh Dean]

Serious swag. That emperor had, though. He had that commission to be buried with him when he died. He's like, I need 8,000 warriors to be sculpted from clay.

[Rory Scoville]

If I had Bezos money, I would go, let's go 9,000. Let's set the record. And then bury them with me.

[Danny Shapiro]

It's.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. For those who don't know, it's this really detailed army of literally thousands of individually sculpted Clay figures, some on horseback, some marching, each with his own individual flair. These things were not mass produced, and the point of them was to protect Emperor Qin Shi Huang in the afterlife, which feels like a little bit of overkill.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know what to expect in the afterlife, but I just would like to believe it's not war. I would just love to believe it's not war.

[Josh Dean]

So you might commission statues of what instead?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, wings, a cool car. Just in the event that we do get to use these things.

[Josh Dean]

How about some ladies for an orgy?

[Rory Scoville]

8,000 ladies. 8,000 ladies, one of whom is your wife. They're all different versions of my wife. That's how committed I am. All 8000 are different versions of my. My wife.

[Josh Dean]

So the main collection has become one of China's most famous and popular art exhibits. And this small group of them was split off to tour the world. So our man Michael wanders into a dark section of the museum, and using his phone's flashlight, he decides to give himself a little tour.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

He poses for some selfies. He's wearing a green holiday sweater and, of course, a Phillies hat.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

This is Philly. He's from Delaware, but Delaware's right across the border.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So he's trespassing, I guess, but probably not doing anything, I guess.

[Rory Scoville]

I like that you're. Why are you giving him the benefit of the doubt? I guess, you know, he knew what that velvet rope meant.

[Josh Dean]

It's true. He. He knew he was dancing with the devil, but, I mean. But still, like, I feel like at this point, he's not going to get himself. They're going to, like, kick him out. Right. They're like, okay, you're Michael.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So any guesses about where he crosses the actual crime line? I mean, assuming that he's trespassing. Right. But let's. Let's. That probably wouldn't have gotten him a.

[Rory Scoville]

He's doing. He's taking selfies with the soldiers. Yep. Is that right?

[Josh Dean]

That. Well, no, that's not. Yes, he did do that.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

But that's still not what. Any guess what he might do?

[Rory Scoville]

Is it related to the soldiers?

[Josh Dean]

It is.

[Rory Scoville]

He got into sexual positions. Like he was at Taco Bell. He started getting Taco Bell with the soldiers.

[Josh Dean]

He reenacted the Taco Bell orgy. No, I'll just tell you. At some point, Michael snaps the thumb off one of the warriors, the cavalryman, as he's known, and he sticks it in his pocket. Then he eventually finds his way back to the Party finishes his night, and takes the little terracotta thumb home.

[Rory Scoville]

Man.

[Josh Dean]

Dun, dun, dun.

[Rory Scoville]

This is like if this was a horror movie. It brings the soldier to life and he kills everybody.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, my God. That's such a good plot.

[Rory Scoville]

That's actually a pretty good plot. Nobody steal that in case Josh and I decide to co write it.

[Josh Dean]

That's crimeless movie spin off number one.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. People like, how is this related to the show at all?

[Josh Dean]

That's the elevator pitch. We just did. We just did it.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, There you go.

[Josh Dean]

Offers via. Well, we might have different agencies. Just. Just email us, actually.

[Rory Scoville]

Just Venmo us if you have enough. We'll go highest. Venmo. We get to keep all the Venmos, but whoever sends the highest amount gets the script.

[Josh Dean]

I'm sure that's legal.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So according to a filing by his lawyer, Michael woke up the next day hungover, extremely scared, and immediately regretting his conduct. But at first, nothing happens. He just resumes his life. It takes a couple weeks for the museum staff to even notice that the cavalryman is missing a thumbnail. But eventually they do, and the police are called I.

[Rory Scoville]

That is actually kind of interesting that they would notice that. It must have been like a prominent, like, on display thumb location.

[Josh Dean]

It's the less famous, like the little known guy giving two thumbs up.

[Rory Scoville]

Like maybe, maybe all of them were doing this, but one of them was doing this.

[Josh Dean]

For those not watching on video, Rory is giving the thumbs up. One presumes it wasn't a terribly difficult mystery to solve. They have cameras. And so an FBI agent pays a visit to Michael's home in Delaware. And Michael confesses right away. He hands over the thumb, which he'd put in a desk drawer, of course.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Where else would you put it?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, paperweight. I would go paperweight for sure.

[Josh Dean]

He surely hopes they'll just slap him on the wrist, maybe issue a fine. And that is not what happened, unfortunately for Michael.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Oh, God. Here we go.

[Josh Dean]

There we go.

[Rory Scoville]

Let this be a lesson to everybody. Let everyone learn through Michael's mistakes. Right now. Josh, what did they do to him? They killed him. Did they kill him?

[Josh Dean]

Michael was killed?

[Danny Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

This is a cautionary tale for all of us. Even the most harmless prank can get you in big trouble. And so in Michael's case, federal prosecutors charged him with the theft and concealment of an item of cultural heritage, as well as interstate transport of a stolen item because he'd driven the thumb back across the border into Delaware. These are very serious charges that could result in decades in prison, should he be convicted?

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You know, he can't even believe it. You know, he's like just a normal guy.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, yeah. Like, wanted one dumb thing, and then suddenly the FBI is at his house, and he's being charged by federal prosecutors with crimes that could put.

[Rory Scoville]

He's going to go to jail longer than the Jan Sixers. Who knew? They were definitely crossing a velvet rope. They definitely knew that.

[Josh Dean]

I believe they smashed some doors and windows.

[Rory Scoville]

They. They did a little more than Michael.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. So why go so hard on him? Because this is Philly, bro. No, actually, it's because this had become an international incident, Rory. The case was fueled in part by outrage from the Chinese government, which takes these warriors very seriously.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Only ten at a time are ever allowed to leave the country. And according to the New York Times, a Chinese man was sentenced to death back in the 80s for stealing the head of one.

[Rory Scoville]

There you go. And the head's going to be a little bit more than the thumb. They're going to notice that.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, but, I mean, death.

[Rory Scoville]

Why would you want it? Like, what do you even do with it? I don't know. Like, if he put it on ebay, would you even believe that's legitimately a thumb from one of the soldiers?

[Josh Dean]

Or if you had the head, you just put it on a shelf.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. You're like, I don't know. I grabbed it at a holiday party. They're going to kill me. But I just. I don't know. I just grabbed.

[Josh Dean]

I couldn't. I couldn't stop.

[Rory Scoville]

I was having so much fun at the holiday party. The schnapps, we would do. Impeach schnapps.

[Josh Dean]

So the Chinese government wasn't quite that bloodthirsty, but they were still very pissed, and they asked U.S. officials to punish Michael to the full extent of the law, calling the theft a, quote, very vicious incident. Yep. Philly City Council tried to lower the temp by issuing a formal apology to China, stating that the work of art was invaluable in an official resolution. And two years later, in 2019, the case finally goes to court.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, here we go.

[Josh Dean]

Michael's lawyers argued that the severity of the charges was sort of ridiculous. And I think we can agree that seems a little ridiculous, right?

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Yep. It says these charges were made for art thieves. Think Ocean's Eleven or Mission Impossible. One of his lawyers said her client wasn't ninja clothing sneaking around the museum. He was a drunk kid in a bright green, ugly Christmas sweater.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

A great line by a Lawyer right there.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Here's what Michael surely is scared shitless told the court. Every time I see this video now, I'm trying to figure out what was going through your mind. What were you thinking? Also, I don't know why I broke it. It did just happen, but there was never a thought of, I should break this.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So I guess if he's telling the truth, it may be more of like maybe he touched it and accidentally broke. And then he was like, oh, shit, maybe, I guess.

[Rory Scoville]

Is there any foot. There was no footage of the actual.

[Josh Dean]

Okay.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, interesting.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, I guess you could imagine a couple scenarios. One, he breaks it by accident and pockets at one where he did think, oh, this would be funny. And then immediately is like, ah, shit.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

But one of the things lawyers argued about the most was the value of the thumb. The small piece of 2,000 year old clay. Yeah. To get the conviction, US attorneys needed to convince the court that the thumb was worth more than $5,000. According to the New York Times, curators told the FBI that the statue itself was worth 4.5 million. And an expert witness testified that the thumb was worth 150,000. I mean, they're just making this shit up. Yeah, based on what? Where's the market for terracotta warrior thumbs? That's what I mean.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, 150,000. Nice.

[Josh Dean]

But Michael's expert, an art appraiser, stated that the thumb's real value was probably more like a thousand bucks. The estimated cost of reattaching it, I think that's reasonable. Yeah, like I buy that argument.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Anyway, the jury was mostly confused. They ended in a split verdict and a mistrial was declared. But this, sadly, was not the end for Michael and his drunk adventure. Oh, man.

[Rory Scoville]

And he's two years into living with this.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, exactly. Because the Chinese government not over it.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I like that. They wouldn't let it go.

[Josh Dean]

You know what?

[Rory Scoville]

They would let it go. They're standing ground. They're standing on business here, folks.

[Josh Dean]

They were very unhappy about the mistrial. And a BBC story about the trial quoted outraged users of Chinese social media sites, too. Let me. Let me read a few of these for you, Rory.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Since he's not guilty, can I also take the Statue of Liberty's torch?

[Rory Scoville]

Interesting. That's going to be a little bit bigger than the thumb, but a little.

[Josh Dean]

Harder to break off and sneak away with.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, well, we have to see. How mad would France get about that?

[Josh Dean]

That's right.

[Rory Scoville]

Does France care?

[Josh Dean]

Another person said. Are those seven jurors idiots wow. Oh, and finally, my favorite. This American dog doesn't care at all or understand Chinese cultural relics. Okay.

[Rory Scoville]

That's what they wrote.

[Josh Dean]

This was social media users in China.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay. Yeah, yeah. They called him a dog.

[Josh Dean]

American dog. I like it.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

This left prosecutors in a bit of a predicament. It was too high profile to let go of. So the case dragged on for five more years. Rory.

[Rory Scoville]

So seven years.

[Josh Dean]

Poor guy. This poor guy.

[Rory Scoville]

So we're talking like this just resolved last year, 2020 again.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, 2023.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, my God.

[Josh Dean]

So the pandemic was part of the reason, of course, but it drags on. So finally, in 2023, Michael agrees to a plea deal. He pleads guil guilty to a federal misdemeanor trafficking and archaeological resources in exchange for five years probation, a five thousand dollar fine and a hundred hours of community service.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, he's lucky.

[Josh Dean]

Both lucky, but also probably like seven years of my life. I mean, God, imagine how stressed that guy was for seven years.

[Rory Scoville]

Do you think there's any, like, Chinese spies? They're going to try to kill him.

[Josh Dean]

He might, because punishment back home. We know what that is.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, they're going to kill him. They're going to find him.

[Josh Dean]

So Michael would have to pay an as yet undecided amount of restitution to the Franklin Institute, which even six years later was still hopping mad. The museum issued a statement that the statue would never again be publicly displayed because of the damage Michael caused, which reduced the artwork's life expectancy. And that claimed they had spent $50,000 to add security barriers. I mean, come on, that's their fault. And flew in Chinese officials to inspect the damage. Plus another 25 grand to fix the thumb, so.

[Rory Scoville]

Only 25 grand to fix it.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, Right.

[Rory Scoville]

There you go.

[Josh Dean]

Michael, who at the time of the Thumb robbery, I guess we can call it, was a shoe salesman. He had moved on by this time. He worked at an H Vac company. He told the judge he was willing to do anything, even sell his collection of Nike sneakers, which included some very rare Air Jordans, to help pay it back.

[Rory Scoville]

Nice. I don't know if he needed to tell us how he was going to get the money, but that's. That feels like he was posturing to be like, by the way, I've got some dope sneakers. No one ever really knows that about me. And this is my only chance to kind of really air that out.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I think Michael. Yeah, he also just wanted to move on.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

I was wasting my time with no goals and no Vision of where I wanted my life to go. He said, this has been a huge wake up call for me.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, that's a long, long wake up call.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, man. Poor guy. I mean, you know, listen, you know.

[Rory Scoville]

You don't tamper with artwork. You've gotta be assuming. You've gotta be. You have to assume. This is all expensive. And this is why you're not allowed to touch paintings.

[Josh Dean]

So, Rory, will you now moderate your punch intake at all holiday parties going forward?

[Rory Scoville]

Of course.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, yeah, I.

[Rory Scoville]

Look, I would never steal a thumb from one of these warriors or touch a painting, but I will say, and I don't think there would have been any punishment, a younger me would have definitely had a couple drinks and wanted people to know I went into the music. I would, like, be like, look, I'm going to go. Yeah, I'm going to go in. And they don't want me to. I can easily see me doing that. And I don't mean super young. I mean maybe two, three years ago. I mean, still in my 40s, adult husband, father drinking too much and going into the roped off area.

[Josh Dean]

All right, well, I'm ready for some eggnog. Let's take a break. But after the break, Rory, what's coming up? Blaine's game, everybody's favorite game or games. We'll see in a minute. Hello, and welcome back to Crimeless, the only podcast brave enough to get drunk at your holiday party. It's now time for our final segment.

[Rory Scoville]

Lame's game.

[Announcer]

Never gets old.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm starting to hit a better scratch of the back of the throat. This thing's evolving. It's growing.

[Josh Dean]

Bring a bullhorn one of these times, you should pull it out and just.

[Rory Scoville]

Absolutely fucking whale it, please. I just blow out my own mic.

[Announcer]

And headphones, break our speakers.

[Josh Dean]

All right, Lane, what do you got for us?

[Announcer]

So today, since it was our holiday episode, I have a game dedicated to Christmas movies. Specifically Hallmark Christmas movies.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, dear.

[Announcer]

Do you guys watch those?

[Josh Dean]

I don't. Some of it would be terrible.

[Rory Scoville]

I. Can I tell you something? Earlier in the episode when I was talking about how Christmas shopping and shit starts in like, September, I was visiting my family members in Panama City beach in mid October. And the Hallmark Channel has it already was starting its playing of non stop Christmas movies. Starting then. They're going right now.

[Announcer]

They can't be stopped. They turned out.

[Rory Scoville]

It's insanity.

[Announcer]

They turn out so many. There was 30 original films this year.

[Rory Scoville]

Guilty Pleasure. I would sit and watch one right now and make fun of it and Also, secret goal that no one knows. I would absolutely be in one. If someone made me an offer, I'm not gonna lie. I'd go read. I would go read for it, I hope. But I would easily be in a Hallmark movie. And I, I. My fear is that I'd love it. And then that's what I would just.

[Josh Dean]

Think, you know, you live. You know, they film them all in, like, rural Canada. You just live in that town where.

[Rory Scoville]

They film them all, and you live in that town, and you just. You create this misperceived version of Christmas that no one in their reality actually lives.

[Josh Dean]

Well, no one sounds like you have a better chance of acing this than me, though.

[Rory Scoville]

You're, like, spiritually, I don't know anything about. I just watch them, and I don't even know what's going on. I don't know. I'm going to be horrible at this.

[Announcer]

But I like this great place Start. So, basically, the premise of this game is simple. I'm going to give you the title of a Christmas Hallmark movie, and I just want you to tell me what it's about. Just give me any plot point, any detail.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay. Love it. Thank you, Lane.

[Announcer]

All right, first one.

[Rory Scoville]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Can we do. Can this be the first Lane games where Josh and I are maybe on the same team and we either get.

[Announcer]

It right or wrong, you know, for Christmas. Yes.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh.

[Josh Dean]

Or we collaborate.

[Rory Scoville]

We're collaborating on what we think this story. Okay.

[Announcer]

In. In the spirit of the holidays, of course.

[Rory Scoville]

Unity.

[Announcer]

So this movie's called An Unexpected Christmas. What do you think?

[Rory Scoville]

Pregnancy.

[Josh Dean]

Pregnancy.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm feeling pregnancy.

[Josh Dean]

Yep.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm feeling family that I think they lean heavily into Mary and Joseph. I think they go hardcore religious on this. And they've. It's a couple that's been trying.

[Josh Dean]

Yes, they've been trying a long time to have a baby. And the baby happens, like, right at Christmas. Right. Holiday season.

[Danny Shapiro]

Or.

[Rory Scoville]

It's born on Christmas. It's born on Christmas.

[Josh Dean]

And they name it Jesus. Jesus. They name it Jesus.

[Rory Scoville]

And they name it Jesus Jesus, Jesus. Because they let him Jesus.

[Josh Dean]

All right, Lane, how we doing?

[Announcer]

That's too progressive for Hallmark. No, this one's about Jamie, a political speechwriter who returns home to his small town for the holidays, but he hasn't told his family that he and his girlfriend broke up. But Emily. Girlfriend arrives in his hometown on marketing business, and Jamie doesn't want to ruin Christmas for his family, so he tells Emily, let's just pretend, and we can work together. I'LL help you with your work project. And what do you know? They fall back in love.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm telling you.

[Announcer]

Right.

[Rory Scoville]

Josh and I are idiots. What a horrible fucking guess. That's a great. I would be in that.

[Announcer]

You could be the funny brother or the main character.

[Rory Scoville]

That's what I was thinking. I was like, let me play the dad. Even though the ages will be way off. I think no one will care.

[Josh Dean]

Just wear. Just wear like a. One of those sweater. I can't even think of the word, man. What are those sweaters called when you button them up?

[Announcer]

Cardigan.

[Josh Dean]

Cardigan. Cardigan. Yes. Just wear a cardigan.

[Rory Scoville]

Josh is so thrown by the fact that our pitch wasn't even close to this guy.

[Josh Dean]

Forgotten words. I can't.

[Announcer]

I can't give you a single.

[Rory Scoville]

He's actually shell shocked right now. I am.

[Danny Shapiro]

Okay.

[Announcer]

I think you can get this one. Some detail. It's called Santa's stakeout.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay. It's a family that's been trying to have a baby.

[Josh Dean]

No, it's. It's a cop and his girlfriend have just broken up.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, there's always going to be a breakup or a single person finding love. These are. These are all of them. So Santa stakeout. I'm going to guess it.

[Josh Dean]

Ha.

[Rory Scoville]

It's not criminal related. It's G rated. That was our mistake on this first one. And they are. It's a stakeout because they want to see the real Santa or find out if Santa is real. So they're. They're doing a stakeout to watch on.

[Josh Dean]

Christmas using, like, detective movie tropes. But the stakeout is it's not crime. It's.

[Rory Scoville]

And they fall in love. And they fall in love.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, I got it.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm going so bright.

[Josh Dean]

Two different. It's two single parents, both with children, who are skeptical about Santa Claus.

[Rory Scoville]

I like what Josh is doing.

[Josh Dean]

And therefore they stake out to prove to their children that Santa is real. And then they fall in love during the stakeout.

[Rory Scoville]

Can I just say something? Even if this guess is wildly off? Hallmark would fucking eat us up. They would love us. Josh.

[Announcer]

You got points because it is. There is a police officer. Tanya is a rookie police officer paired up with a veteran Ryan Anderson. You needed to know his last name.

[Rory Scoville]

I like that. I like knowing that it's very. Just Ryan Anderson. That's very. Creativity. Yep.

[Announcer]

They need to go undercover as a married couple because there's a thief on the loose who's striking during holiday parties.

[Rory Scoville]

Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

[Josh Dean]

Yep.

[Announcer]

Could be their main Suspect is a friendly neighborhood Santa who has a criminal past.

[Josh Dean]

Oh.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh.

[Announcer]

So edgy. If you can even fathom that they fall in love at the end. They do.

[Rory Scoville]

How crazy. He's the veteran and she's the rookie, and he's going to retire, and she's like, well, I still have a whole career of. He's like, I. I can't get away from this job.

[Announcer]

The spirit of Christmas brings them together.

[Rory Scoville]

I would be in that. I would gladly play the Santa Claus criminal.

[Announcer]

All right, one more.

[Rory Scoville]

Here we go.

[Announcer]

A shoe Addict Christmas.

[Josh Dean]

A shoe.

[Rory Scoville]

Is that true?

[Announcer]

A shoe Addicts Christmas. Yep. This is a real movie.

[Rory Scoville]

A shoe addicts Christmas.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, it's. Is it Michael from the Franklin Institute party. And a rare collection of. Rare dope.

[Rory Scoville]

Collection of snakes. God, I don't even know where to start with this one. There's a rare. A rare shoe. Do we feel like that's.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. It's like some really arrogant, egotistical business guy who collects shoes, and he desperately needs this one special pair for Christmas. And he asks his girlfriend maybe that.

[Rory Scoville]

No, no, no, no, no. The woman who owns it is who he falls in love with.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, yes.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, wait, you're saying he asked his girlfriend.

[Josh Dean]

I'm saying he asked his girlfriend. He's like, I don't need anything this Christmas except for this one shoe.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

And if you don't get it from me, we're done.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

And the person who owns it. Yes. Is another woman. And the girlfriend dumps him because she's like, fuck you in your shoes.

[Rory Scoville]

And his overall lesson in the end is that love is more important than shoes. Yes. And they fall in love. Lane. Do we get it?

[Announcer]

You got the love detail.

[Josh Dean]

Okay.

[Announcer]

And this person does love shoes. Okay, so Josh Noel is a single lady with a single stagnant career. Her real dream was to be a big time photographer, but after a breakup, she quit and now works in HR at a department store. One snowy evening, she stays late and accidentally gets locked in after closing. While wandering through the shoe department, she meets a woman who says she's her guardian angel, played by Jane Smart.

[Josh Dean]

Oh.

[Rory Scoville]

See what I mean?

[Announcer]

These celebs, they get it. Noel is rescued from this Snowden department store by a hunky fireman who is her love interest.

[Rory Scoville]

John Cena.

[Announcer]

Yes. But Jean Spark keeps reappearing with magic shoes to transport her to Christmas past and future, where she reflects on what's been holding her back.

[Josh Dean]

Feel like they're stepping up, like, the budgets on, like, bigger stars. More ambitious plot. We got magic Shapes.

[Rory Scoville]

What year is that?

[Announcer]

I think it was a couple years. Let me see. 2018.

[Rory Scoville]

2018.

[Josh Dean]

Wow.

[Rory Scoville]

All right, so pre Hacks.

[Announcer]

Yeah, man. Yeah. Noelle is played by Candace Cameron.

[Danny Shapiro]

Bureau.

[Announcer]

Dj. DJ from Full House.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Married a hockey player.

[Rory Scoville]

She's in a lot of them.

[Announcer]

I think she is.

[Josh Dean]

She is part of the rotation.

[Rory Scoville]

She's in the rotation. It's very. It's very Harlem Globetrotters against the Washington. What is it, the Senators or Generals?

[Josh Dean]

Generals, yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

That's what. That's what a Hallmark movie is. It's the Globetrotters versus the Generals.

[Announcer]

It's Globetrotters for girls.

[Rory Scoville]

That's right, guys. And just to everyone clear. We do believe that Globetrotters can be for everybody. We don't all agree. Those are Lane's views. Lane's views.

[Josh Dean]

This is where we get political Lane.

[Announcer]

Hallmark should be for girls.

[Rory Scoville]

All of our episodes end with a political rant that's unrelated to the two stories.

[Josh Dean]

Lane tariffs.

[Announcer]

Lane tariffs. I think we need more of them. I think we need more.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Let's do it. Let's tear. Let's bigger tariff on. On those movies. I think we got.

[Rory Scoville]

They're on the way making them in Canada.

[Josh Dean]

On that note, happy holidays, everybody. Rory's got to read his sides for the Hallmark audition.

[Rory Scoville]

Stay safe out there. And if you see me in a Hallmark movie, noted. That dream started on this episode, Crimeless.

[Josh Dean]

It makes your dreams come true. We'll see you next week. Crimeless is a production of Smartless Media, Campside Media, and Big Money Players in partnership with Iheart Podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scoville and me, Josh Dean. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Siminoff is our associate producer. This episode was written by Lane Rose and me, Josh Dean. We're sound, designed and engineered by Blake Rookie with support from Ewan Lytramuin. Mark McAdam composed our theme song. The executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriadis, Matt Sher, and me, Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart podcasts and Big Money Players are Jack O', Brien, Lindsey Hoffman, and Matt Apodaca. For Smartlist Media, the executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, and Richard Corson. Bernie Kaminski is head of production. The associate producer is Maddie McCann. A special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and Sabina Mara. Do you have a question, comment, or confession for the Crimeless team? Email us@crimelessampside media.com and if you enjoyed Crimeless, please rate and review the show wherever you get your podcasts. It helps people find the show and also makes us feel validated. Unless you're mean, in which case, keep it to yourself. We'll see you next week, Crimeless Nation.

[Announcer]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.