CrimeLess – "How to Ruin a Holiday Party"

Podcast: CrimeLess (iHeartPodcasts + Smartless Media)
Hosts: Rory Scoville & Josh Dean
Release Date: December 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In this holiday-themed episode, comedians Rory Scoville and journalist Josh Dean dive into two wild stories of holiday parties gone completely sideways—a Taco Bell Christmas party that turns into an orgy and an ugly sweater party that leads to an international incident involving a priceless Chinese artifact. As always, the hosts riff hilariously on the details, reflect on corporate party etiquette, and riff with irreverent, self-deprecating commentary. The show closes with a holiday edition of the recurring "Lane’s Game" segment, this time all about guessing the plots of Hallmark Christmas movies.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Icebreaker Banter: Partying Too Hard & Holiday Spirit (01:25–03:48)

• Warm-up: The hosts swap stories about overindulging at holiday parties, with Rory joking about never being invited to an orgy.

  "I've never been invited to an orgy, and it's not for lack of trying." – Rory (01:05)

• Holiday Creep: Both bemoan how the holiday season seems to start earlier each year.
• Segue: Teasing two cautionary tales—one ending with the police, the other involving the Chinese government.

2. Story 1: The Infamous Taco Bell Holiday Party (03:48–16:30)

Setting the Scene

• San Pedro, California, 2022: Taco Bell holds a staff holiday party, with windows and security cameras covered in wrapping paper.
• Staff/Guests: Alana Becyam (cashier, new employee), Lydia Ruiz (manager), coworkers, and guests.

The Events

• Potluck: Alana brings guacamole—“Classic.”—Rory (06:14).

• Suspicious Festivity: Windows and, notably, security cameras are covered—causing Rory and Josh to chuckle at the "smartness" and what might be hidden (07:10).

  “You don’t want Big Brother watching you, not at a Christmas party. Come on.”—Rory (07:16)

• The Orgy Revealed (08:46):
  When Alana steps inside, she finds coworker Jonathan having sex with his wife in front of everyone, while his wife is kissing manager Lydia and another coworker.

  “So, wrapping paper on the security cameras makes more sense now, right?” – Josh (09:03)

• Barfing & Guac Tragedy: Returning for her guacamole bowl, Alana discovers coworkers vomiting—including into the guac.

  “One [coworker] was puking into the guacamole bowl. Okay, yeah, so they maybe got a little bit out of hand.” – Josh (11:10)

Fallout & Aftermath

• HR Mayhem:

  • Alana reports the incident. After an investigation, participating coworkers are fired.
  • Alana receives escalating threats—texts, insults, and car vandalism. Instead of punishing others, Taco Bell transfers her.
  • Alana quits and later files a wrongful termination suit; the case is quietly dismissed after dragging on for a year.

• Noteworthy Quotes:

  • “Oh, very Catholic Church of them. Got it.” – Rory, reacting to management’s decision to transfer Alana rather than the offenders (13:50)
  • “About a year later, she filed a wrongful termination lawsuit [...] that her 'constructive termination' violated anti-discrimination laws.” – Josh (14:06)
  • “Maybe I'm back to Team Lydia. I mean, tattooed sideburns, get out of my face. That’s great.” – Rory (15:30)

• Local Color: According to a Google review, Lydia is back managing, and one review accuses her of “letting kids smoke inside” (15:07–15:29).

• Reflection: Every company has a wild side; Taco Bell is no different.

3. Story 2: The Phillies Fan & The Terracotta Thumb (21:23–35:14)

Setting the Scene

• Philadelphia, 2017: Michael Rohanna, a young shoe salesman from Delaware, attends a Franklin Institute "science after hours" holiday party.

The Incident

• Museum Misadventure:
  After drinks, Michael sneaks under a velvet rope into a dark exhibit. He finds himself among ten priceless terracotta warriors—historic, ancient Chinese artifacts.

  “He poses for some selfies. He’s wearing a green holiday sweater and, of course, a Phillies hat.” – Josh (25:13)

• Crossing the (Crime) Line:
  Michael snaps off the thumb of one warrior, pockets it, and returns home.

  “At some point, Michael snaps the thumb off one of the warriors, the cavalryman, as he’s known, and he sticks it in his pocket.” – Josh (26:07)

Fallout & International Outrage

• Caught by the FBI:
  Weeks later, the museum notices. The FBI tracks down Michael, who confesses and returns the thumb.

• Legal Fallout:
  Federal prosecutors charge Michael with theft of cultural heritage and interstate transport of a stolen item—facing decades in prison.

• Why So Severe?
  China is incensed; only 10 warriors are allowed to leave China at a time, and theft of such artifacts is a national scandal.

  • “A Chinese man was sentenced to death back in the 80s for stealing the head of one.” – Josh (29:26)

• Quote, Michael’s Lawyer:

  “He wasn’t ninja-clothing sneaking around the museum. He was a drunk kid in a bright green ugly Christmas sweater.” – (30:31)

• Jury Confusion:
  Court must decide if the thumb is worth more than $5,000. Prosecution says $150k; defense says $1,000 (cost to reattach). Mistrial declared; China is not happy.

• International Commentary:

  “Since he’s not guilty, can I also take the Statue of Liberty’s torch?” – Chinese social media user (32:34)

• Resolution:
  After 7 years of legal limbo, in 2023, Michael pleads to a misdemeanor (trafficking in archaeological resources):

  • Sentence: 5 years probation, $5,000 fine, 100 hours of community service.

  “I was wasting my time with no goals and no vision [...] This has been a huge wakeup call for me.” – Michael, to the court (35:04)

• Reflection:

  • The artwork will never be publicly displayed again.
  • Michael considers selling rare sneakers to pay restitution.

4. Self-Reflection and Takeaways (35:25–36:32)

• The hosts discuss the lessons: Don't tamper with artwork or overdo it at holiday parties.
• Relatable Confession:

  "A younger me would have definitely had a couple drinks and wanted people to know I went into the museum... I can easily see me doing that. And I don’t mean super young. I mean maybe two, three years ago.” – Rory (35:32)

5. Lane’s Game: Hallmark Holiday Movie Guessing (36:34–45:57)

A festive, comedic finale to the episode! Producer Lane quizzes Rory and Josh on the plots of Hallmark Christmas movies—based on titles alone.
Format: Lane provides a real Hallmark movie title; hosts guess the plot, riffing and joking.

Memorable Exchanges

• On “An Unexpected Christmas”:

  • Both: “Pregnancy. I’m feeling pregnancy.” (39:09)
  • Actual Plot: Political speechwriter hides breakup, ex-girlfriend visits, reignite romance.
  • Rory: “What a horrible fucking guess. That’s a great…I would be in that.” (40:17)

• On “Santa’s Stakeout”:

  • Hosts guess a wholesome, detective-themed romcom.
  • Actual Plot: Rookie and veteran cop go undercover as a married couple to catch a holiday party thief (Santa suspect).
  • Lane: “Could be their main suspect is a friendly neighborhood Santa who has a criminal past.” (42:33)
  • Rory: “I would gladly play the Santa Claus criminal.” (43:02)

• On “A Shoe Addict’s Christmas”:

  • The hosts imagine a shallow, shoe-obsessed romance.
  • Actual Plot: Woman, stranded in a department store, meets a magic-shoe-dispensing guardian angel (Jean Smart) and a hunky fireman.
  • Lane: “Jane Smart keeps reappearing with magic shoes to transport her to Christmas past and future…” (44:39)
  • Rory, on Candace Cameron Bure: “She is part of the rotation. It’s very Harlem Globetrotters against the Generals. That's what a Hallmark movie is.” (45:26)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I've never been invited to an orgy, and it's not for lack of trying."
  — Rory Scoville (01:05)
• "One [coworker] was puking into the guacamole bowl."
  — Josh Dean (11:10)
• "Oh, very Catholic Church of them. Got it."
  — Rory, on Taco Bell’s response (13:50)
• “He wasn’t ninja-clothing sneaking around the museum. He was a drunk kid in a bright green ugly Christmas sweater.”
  — Lawyer for Michael Rohanna (30:31)
• “Since he’s not guilty, can I also take the Statue of Liberty’s torch?”
  — Chinese social media user, via Josh (32:34)
• “I would gladly play the Santa Claus criminal.”
  — Rory, re: Hallmark movie plots (43:02)

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:48] – Story 1 introduction: The Taco Bell Party
• [08:46] – The orgy at the Taco Bell holiday party revealed
• [11:10] – Coworkers vomiting into guacamole bowl
• [13:50] – Taco Bell’s HR response and aftermath
• [21:23] – Story 2 introduction: Phillies fan & terracotta warrior
• [26:00] – The thumb theft
• [28:12] – Legal repercussions and international outrage
• [32:34] – Chinese social media outrage
• [33:41] – Final legal outcome for Michael
• [36:34] – Lane’s Game: Hallmark Christmas movie guessing

Tone & Style

The episode blends genuine curiosity for crime and true crime quirks with snarky, irreverent jokes and pop-culture references. Both hosts riff with self-deprecating humor and invite frequent asides and tangents, especially around absurdity or moral ambiguity.

Summary Takeaway

This special holiday episode delivers a hilarious, eye-popping look at what can go wrong when holiday cheer becomes holiday chaos—whether it’s a Taco Bell Christmas orgy, or a drunken thumb heist that sparks an international incident. The hosts celebrate the creativity (or idiocy) of the world’s weirdest criminals while warning listeners to keep their parties in check and their hands off priceless artifacts.

Perfect for listeners who want true crime, comic banter, and tales that will make you the life of your next—hopefully more boring—holiday party.