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Will Ferrell
Guaranteed Human.
Josh Dean
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Rory Scoville
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Will Ferrell
did I search the Internet for answers to my cold sore problem? Now I'm stuck down a rabbit hole
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Will Ferrell
in various stages of ooze. I can clear my search history, but I can never unsee that.
Rory Scoville
Don't go down the rabbit hole. Amazon Health AI gets you the right care fast. Healthcare just got less painful.
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Rory Scoville
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Will Ferrell
This is Will's mic. Go for Will. Will's mic. I won't start till I get a thumbs up from the auto booth. Yep. Okay, good. Campsite Media smart.
Josh Dean
Rory, it's a very special day here at Crimlyss. Okay, We've only had a guest one time and do you remember who that guest was?
Rory Scoville
Is it right now?
Ray Porter
Today?
Josh Dean
It was the parrot.
Rory Scoville
That's right. That's right. We did. We had a parrot. This is our first human guest.
Josh Dean
Oh, we had Shamrock. The parrot was our first guest.
Will Ferrell
And was that a parrot that spoke back to you?
Rory Scoville
Yeah, they live streamed in. They, like, zoomed with us or something.
Josh Dean
Shamrock the parrot.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Amazonian yellow thing.
Rory Scoville
This is quite a leap.
Josh Dean
It is a big leap, evolutionarily.
Will Ferrell
Well, wait till you're done with the podcast.
Rory Scoville
Pretty famous parrot.
Josh Dean
You want to tell the people at home who's joining us?
Rory Scoville
Ladies and gentlemen, we are joined by none other than the wonderful Mr. Will Ferrell.
Will Ferrell
Once again, though, I don't know if I have the same level of fame like in the. In the world of bird lovers.
Rory Scoville
Oh, yeah.
Will Ferrell
Shamrock the parrot.
Josh Dean
Yeah. Doesn't get much better.
Rory Scoville
Yes.
Will Ferrell
I don't think I could be in the same room as Shamrock the parrot. I'd be too nervous.
Rory Scoville
You'd be too nervous. And also, you're not getting any eyes. They're all going to Shamrock.
Will Ferrell
They're all going to Shamrock.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
And I. I would. I'd be afraid. I would cause bodily harm to that bird out of my. My pure jealousy of its level of notoriety.
Rory Scoville
That's right.
Will Ferrell
Let's cut the. For a second.
Rory Scoville
All right.
Will Ferrell
This has nothing to do with Krimos, but I just want to get. I just want these. These listeners and viewers to know about how funny Rory Scoville's Netflix special is going to be. Did I not tell you, run, don't walk whenever this thing. Because I saw your last show at Largo. If you're listening, something special is happening. There's a connection being made. Something special is happening. If you're listening at home, light that up in post. I'm not going to describe what's happening, but Rory. It's one of the funniest sets of comedy I've seen in a long time.
Rory Scoville
I told you.
Josh Dean
I can't wait to.
Rory Scoville
I said, if you book Will, he's gonna go on and on about my special. That was the whole idea, and that's why I was.
Will Ferrell
Rory has gone from someone you'd walk out on in the first, like, 30 seconds to a real master of his craft. A real master of his show.
Rory Scoville
Did you.
Will Ferrell
I've watched a lot of your shows without you. No, no. But that shit was so funny. Subversive funny. And your move of, like, calling out a certain group of whatever and then completely bailing on it.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Is such a funny move. Okay.
Rory Scoville
I love that. Thank you.
Will Ferrell
That was my psa.
Josh Dean
All right.
Rory Scoville
I needed that.
Josh Dean
Everyone listening to me.
Rory Scoville
Josh never does that. Also, too.
Josh Dean
I don't.
Rory Scoville
It's true.
Will Ferrell
I don't know how I feel about, like, the World of podcasts. They all have to be filmed now.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. It's not for you.
Will Ferrell
It's not for me. Yeah. And it eliminates theater of the mind. If I'm going to be totally honest. When I did podcast, I wear my sleep mask.
Josh Dean
So I like where this is going.
Will Ferrell
So if you guys will indulge me, of course, this will make me feel.
Rory Scoville
This makes it easier for us.
Will Ferrell
More at ease.
Rory Scoville
This makes it much more comfortable.
Will Ferrell
Because whenever I used to record back in the day.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
I'd wear my sleep mask.
Rory Scoville
And I'll tell you what, you're a fool. You're a fool if you don't think Shamrock did the same thing.
Josh Dean
It's true.
Rory Scoville
Shamrock, little falcon thing, that little hat
Josh Dean
that comes down to the Falconer Zoo.
Will Ferrell
So, once again, for the listeners at home, I'm wearing a sleep mask right now.
Rory Scoville
That's right.
Josh Dean
This is going to be very helpful. All right, so we're going to initiate you into the Crimeless Family, which. Here's what I do. At the start of every episode with Rory, I ask him a very tough question.
Rory Scoville
Go on.
Josh Dean
And there's one question.
Rory Scoville
Don't be distracted, Josh. You got this.
Josh Dean
Are you ready?
Rory Scoville
Stay focused.
Josh Dean
All right. Are you ready?
Rory Scoville
Yes.
Josh Dean
Will Ferrell, have you ever committed a crime?
Rory Scoville
Oh, interesting question.
Will Ferrell
What? Yeah, I have.
Rory Scoville
No, you haven't.
Will Ferrell
Yeah, I have.
Rory Scoville
No, you're about it.
Will Ferrell
Shoplifting.
Rory Scoville
What age?
Will Ferrell
This is a good one. Pro. I'm going to say grade school. Okay. The local Danber Drugs in Irvine, California. I was an avid Monopoly player as a kid.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Will Ferrell
Like a weirdo. Like, I'd play by myself. I play against myself.
Rory Scoville
Is that real?
Will Ferrell
Yes.
Rory Scoville
Have you ever shared that? This is.
Will Ferrell
Not a bit.
Rory Scoville
This is.
Will Ferrell
This is the first time breaking news.
Rory Scoville
This is prime list.
Will Ferrell
We are breaking news. And one of the things that I don't know. I don't know if they've augmented this. I don't know if you buy a Monopoly set. Now, they figured this out, but back in the old days, they didn't have enough five hundreds. You go through the five hundreds really quick.
Rory Scoville
Real quick.
Will Ferrell
So local Danber drugs, they had a little toy section, and they were selling individual stacks of Monopoly money to be bought on the side to augment your current bank of Monopoly money. So isn't that a weird thing to sell?
Rory Scoville
I think what you're about to say is weirder.
Will Ferrell
When I saw that they were selling individually wrapped stacks of 500, 150s, 20s.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Will Ferrell
And I saw that I wouldn't run out of $500.
Rory Scoville
Bills. Yeah.
Will Ferrell
And I just put that in my pocket.
Rory Scoville
Stole fake money.
Will Ferrell
I stole fake money.
Josh Dean
Tens of thousands of dollars from.
Will Ferrell
From a. From a damper. Drugs. And I walked out.
Rory Scoville
Oh, you didn't get caught.
Will Ferrell
I didn't get caught. You know why?
Rory Scoville
Because.
Will Ferrell
Because I'd seen in film and television that if you don't want to be suspected of anything, you whistle as you walk.
Rory Scoville
And that's what you did.
Will Ferrell
That's what I did as a little kid. I walked 10 and I whistled to myself to show I was carefree.
Rory Scoville
And I'm just like, nothing to see here.
Will Ferrell
Nothing to see here. But I was like. And then it was like walking rich walk. And sprint.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, Sprint all the way back home.
Will Ferrell
I unwrapped my.
Rory Scoville
Did your parents ever find out?
Will Ferrell
Never found out until they did this perfect crime.
Josh Dean
Are we outside the statute of limitations?
Rory Scoville
I think so.
Will Ferrell
I think so.
Rory Scoville
Cold case solved.
Josh Dean
Cold case. Yeah. One of the most famous cold cases in Irvine history. That's right.
Will Ferrell
Still talk about it?
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Now gotten hot.
Rory Scoville
We did inventory the other night. We're missing fake money.
Will Ferrell
All right, that was one crime.
Josh Dean
Well, the way this works is every week I find crimes to tell Rory about, and there's always a theme. Yeah, and this week is crimes committed by people named Will Ferrell.
Will Ferrell
Other Will Ferrell's out there.
Josh Dean
Okay, I'm going to reveal most of them, but not all, because there are a lot of crimes committed by Will Ferrell. Wow. But first we need to address one rumor. The rumor is from back in 2016, and it involves jury duty. Do you know what I'm about to ask you? Do you remember a rumor from 2016 involving you and jury duty?
Will Ferrell
20. Wait. Oh, 2016. I've got another jury duty study, but no 2016. I don't know.
Josh Dean
In Franklin County, Washington, a group of people showed up for jury duty on a murder case expecting to see you.
Will Ferrell
Okay.
Josh Dean
Why? According to the local paper, never heard an online news report with zero attribution claimed the actor and comedian had been selected for jury duty and was, quote, required to attend a criminal trial that is scheduled to last three weeks.
Will Ferrell
Wow.
Josh Dean
So people showed up specifically to be on a jury, and it was a bit of an uproar because they thought you were skipping out on jury duty.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
In fact, you didn't live in Washington state. You don't own property in Washington state. No, it was a prank.
Will Ferrell
It was a total prank.
Rory Scoville
One of the greatest jury pools of all time.
Josh Dean
Though people showed up.
Rory Scoville
Still, all of them had in common that they wanted to meet you.
Will Ferrell
And they probably showed up in costume. They did character cosplay. Characters from my movie.
Rory Scoville
So many Burgundies, so many elves, so many adorable buddy.
Will Ferrell
The elves. So many.
Rory Scoville
That jury pool looked ridiculous.
Will Ferrell
Mugatus.
Rory Scoville
For the murder. For the murder trial.
Will Ferrell
This is serious business. I have served on. No, I've gotten jury duty. I'd be fascinated to serve on a jury.
Rory Scoville
I think I know what you mean. I know what you mean because there's something in it where you're like, I'm never over here.
Will Ferrell
Right.
Rory Scoville
What is it?
Josh Dean
Like?
Will Ferrell
It's a civic duty. Yeah. Feels like you're helping out, being part of the. Part of the justice system and people think I'm crazy. That I would love. I'd love to get.
Josh Dean
Have you not been called?
Will Ferrell
Yeah, but every time I've. Either the number wasn't called or the closest I got was. I told the judge I actually had a vacation plan during the time, which was true. But what I was surprised about was the judge laid out the terms of the trial. It's probably going to be a two to three week trial. Please come and approach the bench if you have any reason why you don't think you. And I thought, well, I'm going to walk up and he's going to go, oh, yeah, hey, how you doing?
Josh Dean
Yeah, get out of here.
Will Ferrell
All he said was like, I think I recognize you. And I was like, and no, you
Rory Scoville
missed jury duty in Washington State,
Will Ferrell
by the way. I was waiting for you dressed as one of the cheerleaders.
Josh Dean
I got myself transferred to la.
Will Ferrell
You ruined my weekend. I planned my family trip to. Sir, but he just said he wasn't gonna dismiss me based on any sort of notoriety. Yeah, but sorry, Josh.
Josh Dean
Yes.
Will Ferrell
I thought what you were gonna bring up was that.
Josh Dean
Not that story.
Will Ferrell
That's not that. I thought you were gonna bring up the fact that when I was a member of the Groundlings comedy troupe here in Los Angeles, we performed for the OJ Jury in the courtroom. What? We did sketch comedy in a courtroom because if you recall, that jury was sequestered for the longest time. And prior to the verdict, everyone felt really bad for this group of people who were.
Josh Dean
They brought in entertainment three months because they weren't allowed to watch tv.
Will Ferrell
So we reached out. Our director in the theater was like, these poor people. They're just like in a straight line from a bad hotel room to the court courtroom without any.
Rory Scoville
And they can't watch TV or anything.
Will Ferrell
They can't watch tv. They can't do anything.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Shouldn't we do a show. So we performed in the courtroom.
Rory Scoville
That's amazing.
Will Ferrell
I don't know if it was the courtroom, but a courtroom. And they lined it all up and there we were, you know, in bad fluorescent lighting.
Rory Scoville
Scale of this lighting, how did it go?
Will Ferrell
We killed. Sorry. Guilty. Hold on. Did not. Oh, that was such a cool pun. No, for some reason, for a non theater setting.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
We got a lot of laughs.
Rory Scoville
We got a fair amount of laughs. Maybe the perfect audience. When they literally have no other option.
Josh Dean
They've seen no entertainment for weeks, only their thoughts.
Will Ferrell
They gave us a standing ovation just out of like, thank you for breaking up the day.
Josh Dean
The monotony of you were there.
Will Ferrell
That's what I thought you were going to bring up.
Josh Dean
No, I'm so glad that I asked.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
I assume that did make the news at the time.
Will Ferrell
It didn't. Oh, it wouldn't. Maybe it did, but none of us were. You know what? It might have. It might have been like KTLA, Channel 5 Local News Pod exclusive. Have you done Crime scrimmage by Rory Scoville.
Josh Dean
Unfortunately, there aren't very many
Rory Scoville
do wish.
Will Ferrell
What about Patches the parrot? What was the parrot? Shamrock. Shamrock Crimes made by Shamrock.
Josh Dean
Shamrock. Squeaky clean record.
Will Ferrell
By the way. Shamrock hates patches. They're such a rival. There's friction.
Rory Scoville
There's friction because the alliteration. The alliteration is already kind of a head start.
Will Ferrell
I love that I turned Shamrock into patches.
Josh Dean
This week, the many crimes committed by people named Will Ferrell. Featuring Will Ferrell. Welcome to Crimeless. I'm Josh Dean.
Rory Scoville
And I'm Murray Scoville. And our guest today is Mr. Will Ferrell.
Josh Dean
This week we're not here to talk about Rory's crimes or my crimes. We're here to put Will Ferrell under the microscope. Yeah. And for our first crime, we're gonna hop into the time machine and go all the way back to 1884. Would you have us believe that you were not alive or living in New York City in 1884?
Will Ferrell
I mean, I do believe in past lives and I may say yes, but I was a shopkeeper in 1884.
Rory Scoville
What was what?
Josh Dean
What was your shop? What kind of shop?
Will Ferrell
I. I sold horseshoes. I was. I was a smithy, but I also had a shop.
Josh Dean
I made horseshoes and then sold them.
Will Ferrell
But then I sold them. But I also sold other things in the front of the shop. Soap, candles.
Rory Scoville
So you're doing horseshoes in the back, little on the side. Illegal. You weren't licensed for that.
Will Ferrell
I Was. Yeah, yeah.
Josh Dean
Here's the start of the New York Daily News story about this particular crime in 1884. 1884.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Josh Dean
James Titterington and William Farrell, who assaulted and robbed Luther Church in New York City by the quote, butcher cart trick, are nabbed by detectives. Detective Sergeants Thomas Adams and Frank Mangin of New York. Saw the fruition of their schemes and work of the past 10 days in the capture in the city last night of two of the most desperate burglars and highwaymen in the country. The capture was made in a saloon in the neighborhood of 7th and South Streets shortly after 10:00'. Clock.
Will Ferrell
Titterton. Yeah.
Josh Dean
These two crooks, also referred to as desperados Will Ferrell and James T T had long rap sheets, but the cops were looking for them because of their butcher cart trick.
Will Ferrell
Oh, the old butcher cart.
Rory Scoville
Butcher cart trick.
Josh Dean
Any guess of what that could be?
Rory Scoville
No.
Josh Dean
Well, Will obviously knows. I'm not going to ask him. Y the shopkeeper. I'm gonna set this up for you.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
So Luther Church has a very old timey job. He's the superintendent of a soda water factory. This is our victim.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Josh Dean
Pays his employees every two weeks to do this, he takes a check for 2,300 to the bank and gets cash, hops on the train back uptown, gets out at 111th Street. As he's exiting the station, he sees a guy that looks like a janitor with a broom. And then a second guy. Not janitors, but Hitterington and Farrell. Yeah, Rory, I want you to read the next section to us in a bit of a 19th century voice. This first passage.
Rory Scoville
As long as you don't put me
Josh Dean
on the spot, Eddie, do any accent.
Rory Scoville
As he was about to pass the second workman, the latter turned and dealt him a stunning blow in the face. Mr. Church was staggered, but was not so badly stunned but that he felt the bundle of greenback snatched from under his arm. He instantly recovered and grasped his assailant by the throat.
Josh Dean
So Luther Church puts up quite a fight. But those two blows to the head knock him down, let the robbers escape. When he shakes it off, he sees what they hit him with. A lead pipe. Just like Clue.
Will Ferrell
Yeah, right.
Josh Dean
So Luther runs upstairs and sees the two attackers, along with a third man, escape in a butcher's cart. Which is kind of what it sounds like, a cart for carrying meat. So I guess the butcher's cart trick is just escaping, getting away in a butcher.
Will Ferrell
It's a getaway car.
Rory Scoville
It's just a getaway.
Josh Dean
It's just A cart?
Rory Scoville
Yeah. Okay.
Will Ferrell
So much of a trick.
Rory Scoville
We're talking about 1884. Like, we're talking max speed of fast walk.
Josh Dean
Oh, yeah, wait, we're going to get to that.
Rory Scoville
Okay, gotcha.
Josh Dean
Luther wasn't having it. He goes Jason Bourne. If Jason Vaughan wore a monocle and wore uncomfortable leather shoes, I would watch that. He secures a sleigh at a neighboring stable and starts in pursuit. So we've got a butcher cart, so
Will Ferrell
it must be wintertime. He's on a sleigh, I guess.
Josh Dean
Do sleighs have wheels in the summer? I don't know.
Rory Scoville
Do you think sleighs have wheels in the winter?
Josh Dean
No.
Lane Rose
It doesn't matter.
Josh Dean
This thrilling horse chase lasted for 30 blocks. He reports the theft. He loses them eventually, and then Rory will pick up the story special.
Rory Scoville
Slater, who was a man of powerful build, grappled with the nearest burglar and threw him against the wall. Sergeant Mangan. Mangan Mangin. Sergeant Mangin sees the second desperado. And although there is a difference of about two feet in their height and a proportionate disparity in their strength, the little officer succeeded in forcing him against the barn, holding him for a moment while he called to his fellow officer for the nippers.
Will Ferrell
What are the Nippers?
Josh Dean
Very good question. No idea.
Will Ferrell
Oh, maybe handcuffs.
Josh Dean
That would be my guess. Incredible visual of this, like, short king officer, they say two feet shorter. So you, the towering Will Ferrell and this tiny detective.
Will Ferrell
And I'm in nippers now.
Josh Dean
And I are in Nippers. Just when you think you are one more section. Rory.
Rory Scoville
At this instant, the cornered burglar succeeded in drawing their revolver simultaneously, and for an instant the two weapons gleamed in the air. Over the officers the hammer of one clicked. But before dece, a stunning blow from Adams's blackjack staggered the would be homicide. And an instant later the handcuffs were on his wrists. A similar treatment with his companion was equally effective, and the two men were disarmed and marched off to police headquarters. They were searched and considerable money was found on them.
Josh Dean
In Your defense, Will, Mr. Titterington sounds like the ringleader. He was described as fine looking and well dressed. Will Ferrell, on the other hand, a little more raggedy or agony.
Will Ferrell
So. So Will Ferrell. It was just like the muscle, I think.
Josh Dean
So the dumb guy pulled a revolver on the wrong cop, ended up in Nippers.
Will Ferrell
Oh, my God.
Josh Dean
Farrell was sobbing in his cell soon after being locked up, but whether from pain or fear or anger, he refused to say they were Both rather severely thumped by the officer's blackjack.
Rory Scoville
What's an officer? What is a blackjack?
Josh Dean
I think it might be that little club they carry. That little nasty club.
Will Ferrell
Short club.
Josh Dean
Gangs of New York.
Rory Scoville
You guys really know your weapons.
Will Ferrell
Oh, yeah. I collect blackjacks and nippers.
Rory Scoville
That's your thing.
Josh Dean
He sold them in the store.
Will Ferrell
Remember?
Josh Dean
He was making horseshoes in the back. He sold nippers.
Rory Scoville
I would love an interview where someone's like, Mr. Farrell, what do you do with all the money?
Will Ferrell
I collect old nippers, antique nippers and blackjacks.
Josh Dean
Would you?
Will Ferrell
I'd love to show them off. I have over a thousand. Now, this one's a Henderson blackjack.
Josh Dean
There's one final detail that I was amused by. That Luther Church, the victim, said that he had always held a fear of butcher carts. His wife and the police had warned him against them and had always watched for them when on his way to the factory on paydays. That seems like a lie to me.
Will Ferrell
Yeah, well, that. That's where that old, old saying comes from. Watch out for the butcher cart. The butcher cart you can avoid on a Tuesday will lead to your salvation on a Wednesday. Yeah.
Josh Dean
Yep, I forgot about that.
Rory Scoville
I grew up. My grandmother had that over the.
Josh Dean
It was macrame or.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, and we always read it.
Josh Dean
Okay, for our next crime, Kuna by Will Ferrell, we're going to jump ahead to September 10, 1925. This article begins when William Farrell of Newkirk Ave. Jamaica, Queens, in this case, was baptized. His parents could not foresee that his name would have saved him from a sentence as a speeder in Manhattan traffic court, but it did. How did Will Ferrell's name save him
Rory Scoville
from a sentence as a speeder in 1925?
Josh Dean
You have a theory?
Rory Scoville
I do not. Were you looking for one?
Josh Dean
Yeah, I was.
Rory Scoville
I was.
Josh Dean
I was looking for one. The judge's name was also William Farrell.
Will Ferrell
Oh, whoa. So the guy was like, hey, I'm gonna let you go cause we got the same name.
Josh Dean
He said, quote, there was virtue in the name he possessed as he spared him from jail and gave him a suspended nar sentence instead.
Rory Scoville
I know.
Will Ferrell
Horrible nar. What?
Rory Scoville
Like you are special because we are the same. I am special.
Josh Dean
Special, Therefore.
Rory Scoville
Therefore, you're special.
Will Ferrell
I like the cut of your jib.
Rory Scoville
We are free to go.
Will Ferrell
Case dismissed.
Josh Dean
On the COVID of that, I was like, I found the actual clipping of this old timey newspaper. On the COVID there was this weird graphic of a clock right next to the story that Was called hands of Death. The biggest hand pointing to the number 347, which was the number of deaths measured that year by moonshine guns and autos in all boroughs of New York City. Only three categories mentioned.
Rory Scoville
Huh?
Josh Dean
347 by September.
Rory Scoville
That seemed like good numbers.
Josh Dean
It does seem pretty low. Yeah.
Rory Scoville
What year?
Will Ferrell
Three.
Rory Scoville
1925. 1925 seems great.
Josh Dean
Moonshine guns and autos. I don't know why those are the
Will Ferrell
only for the entire year.
Josh Dean
September. From January 1st to September 10th.
Rory Scoville
How fast are these cars going in 1925?
Josh Dean
Not very fast.
Rory Scoville
And yet it's killing enough people.
Josh Dean
Could have been the guns in moonshine, though.
Rory Scoville
It's going to be more guns. It's going to be the guns.
Will Ferrell
Maybe people's reaction times were much slower back then. Is that a horse? That's carriage coming towards me? What? No, I don't think.
Rory Scoville
Do I have time to.
Will Ferrell
Is it going to. Is it.
Rory Scoville
Do I have time to look at my pocket watch?
Will Ferrell
Oh, no, it's about to hit me. Hey. Bang. Do you know that at the turn of the century, there were something like 2 million people in lower Manhattan? And today, with the size of Manhattan right now, there's only 1.8.
Josh Dean
What?
Will Ferrell
Oh, yes. It was so dense and so crazy down there.
Josh Dean
And the buildings have gotten taller. You would think there would be more people.
Will Ferrell
Yeah, well, my job is done.
Rory Scoville
Will's wisdom. You're listening to cameras.
Will Ferrell
Will's wisdom. I'm not gonna say anything more. I'm not gonna say anything better than that.
Rory Scoville
I did another podcast with you and you said that same fact.
Will Ferrell
Did I repeat my facts?
Rory Scoville
You're always doing that one thing, but you gotta get other facts. And you got it from Snapple.
Will Ferrell
Yep. I knew this would catch up to me. Yeah, it usually works.
Josh Dean
Well, I've heard it before. I mean, the context was perfect this time.
Will Ferrell
Did I already tell you, though, seriously, about how populated lower Manhattan was at the.
Josh Dean
No.
Rory Scoville
When. At the turn.
Will Ferrell
Did it already say the fact? Okay, just did it. Oh, my God. We.
Rory Scoville
When Will and I have shot things together day one, he always gets on the mic and says that fact. It doesn't relate to the movie. It doesn't relate to any of the
Will Ferrell
characters, but it's a great icebreaker.
Rory Scoville
It does get the extras dropping their shoulders and going like, okay, just be here.
Will Ferrell
Because you're not. You're not thinking. You're not thinking about the movie or the project or like, oh, you're saying, oh, I didn't know.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, action.
Will Ferrell
And will always cause action
Josh Dean
after the break More Crimes committed by Will Ferrell
Kal Penn
hey everyone, it's Kal Penn. I'm the host of Irsay the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook project, Hail Mary Massive Sci fi adventure about survival and science and what happens when you wake up alone, very far from Earth.
Ray Porter
I really had to make a decision because I could caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections and it's like, okay, yo, yo, yo, is this indulgent? And I really thought about it.
Rory Scoville
I was like, no.
Ray Porter
At this point it would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story if I don't go through it. But there's places in this book that that deeply, emotionally affected me and I left it on the mic. That's great because it served the story. People will say like, oh my God, I cried at the end. It's like, yeah dude, me too.
Kal Penn
Listen to Irsay the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Rory Scoville
How's that?
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Will Ferrell
This is crimeless.
Rory Scoville
You're good for 300 crimes.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
We got two.
Will Ferrell
I'm ready to go right up to present day.
Josh Dean
All right, Here we go.
Rory Scoville
1926. Here we go. Manhattan. Still 2 million, by the way.
Will Ferrell
It gives me so many other times I mentioned my Manhattan facts.
Josh Dean
We're definitely gonna run out of time before we run out of crimes committed by Will Ferrell. In fact, I think we only have time for a few more. Okay. We're gonna leap ahead.
Will Ferrell
Great.
Josh Dean
To 2014. 2014 in Kentucky.
Rory Scoville
So this could be.
Will Ferrell
This is back to the thing originally.
Josh Dean
Have you lived in Kentucky, Will?
Will Ferrell
I have. I went to the University of Kentucky. And now.
Rory Scoville
Did you play basketball?
Will Ferrell
I played basketball. I won three national championships for Pitino. Also Calipari and Calipari.
Rory Scoville
Both.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
No, I've never lived in Kentucky.
Josh Dean
Okay.
Will Ferrell
I've always wanted to, though. That's my bucket list.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, I know. Yeah.
Will Ferrell
When I finally just, like, call it. Call it. I'm gonna move to Lexington.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Lane Rose
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. Have you ever been to a derby?
Will Ferrell
I haven't.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Have you?
Rory Scoville
Have you? I've never been. I don't know if I'd like it.
Will Ferrell
I would be intrigued.
Rory Scoville
I'd go.
Will Ferrell
I'd go. I'd go. But I have to. It'd be fun to dress up. I'd go with someone like you.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. You gotta dress up. Yeah.
Will Ferrell
And I think you have to go with some people where you can have a good time and then turn to each other and go, what do we do? What do we do?
Rory Scoville
And then. Cheers. Your mint juleps.
Josh Dean
Yep.
Will Ferrell
You know what? If I went, I would wear a fancy woman's hat.
Josh Dean
Yeah, naturally.
Rory Scoville
Same.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Do you have A fact about Kentucky.
Will Ferrell
Let me see. Do you know that there are more horses than people in Kentucky? No, this is. No, I'm being serious.
Rory Scoville
I believe him. I believe you.
Josh Dean
Only in the lower part of Kentucky. Right?
Rory Scoville
Lower. Densely. Kentucky. There's more horses now There are today
Josh Dean
than there were back then.
Will Ferrell
Yes, but then they were back then. Now they're triple the number.
Josh Dean
Our headline for this story is Winchester man accused of hiding fugitive horses.
Will Ferrell
By the way, horses in Kentucky. I'm sorry, Josh.
Josh Dean
No, it's okay.
Will Ferrell
Ruin your flow. But the way in India, cows are sacred. Yes. Horses get to roam wherever they want. In Kentucky.
Rory Scoville
It's free spirits.
Will Ferrell
They're on the roads, freeways, overpass, through airports. And you leave them alone. You let them do their thing.
Rory Scoville
If they get on the plane,
Will Ferrell
if they shut down the tarmac, they shut down the tarmac.
Rory Scoville
Shut down the tarmac, and that's the
Will Ferrell
day they roam everywhere.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Thoroughbreds.
Rory Scoville
All right, Winchester man.
Josh Dean
What was the accused accused of? Hiding fugitive in bunker? William Farrell. 40. In this case. 40 and 2014.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Josh Dean
Indicted on one count of unlawfully harboring or concealing April Huntspiller, who was wanted on a charge of fleeing to avoid prosecution in a child custody case. April was Will's girlfriend. And according to the FBI, someone reported that she might beat her boyfriend's mobile home.
Will Ferrell
Okay, wait, wait. I'm confused. April is Will's girlfriend? Yep. He's accused of hiding her.
Josh Dean
Yep.
Will Ferrell
From who? Oh, from the authorities.
Josh Dean
Authorities.
Will Ferrell
She was. She did, apparently.
Josh Dean
No, she. She kept the kid. She's. She obviously got an ex who kept the kid. She takes off with kid. She goes to a boyfriend's house. Will. Will's house. She goes to Will's house. When cop arrived to investigate, Will Ferrell ran out of the woods carrying two guns, which seems like one too many.
Will Ferrell
We ran out of the woods or ran into the woods.
Josh Dean
Out of the woods. So he was hiding in the woods. Oh, she's hiding somewhere in the mobile home.
Lane Rose
Home.
Josh Dean
Okay.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Josh Dean
This is the scene. He's in the woods.
Rory Scoville
Could have stayed in the woods. He could have stayed in the clear.
Josh Dean
Arguably a better decision. Yeah, than running at the police with two guns. Okay, I'm here.
Will Ferrell
I'm here.
Rory Scoville
What kind of guns? I don't know, but it seems, I hope wildly cumbersome.
Josh Dean
Like.
Rory Scoville
Like we're running muskets.
Josh Dean
Two flintlocks.
Will Ferrell
Two muskets.
Rory Scoville
He was carrying two. Just straight up.
Josh Dean
Like, he stopped and he stuffed the musket ball.
Will Ferrell
Old Gatling gun.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, yeah. Two of them.
Josh Dean
Two of Them, he put it on the ground, and he stuffed a little ball in there. He put the powder. And the cops quickly confiscated those guns. No shots fired.
Will Ferrell
Okay, okay.
Josh Dean
They told Will they were looking for April, and he said, she's definitely not in the trailer. When cops asked who then was making noise.
Rory Scoville
If you're trying to throw the scent
Josh Dean
off the trail, it could be worse.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Of course, the police then said, then who's making noise in the trailer? He said, no one's hurt.
Rory Scoville
Not April.
Josh Dean
My girlfriend's definitely not in there.
Will Ferrell
Oh, Will. Is he blowing it?
Josh Dean
Here's the twist. When the cops searched, there was no one in the trailer.
Rory Scoville
Whoa.
Josh Dean
This did not amuse the cops, by the way.
Will Ferrell
Normally, the cops are amused, but this
Rory Scoville
did not amuse the cops this time. Not amused.
Will Ferrell
Yes.
Josh Dean
They find a trap door in the floor of the bedroom, which leads under the trailer, but they don't see the woman there either.
Will Ferrell
Sneaky dog.
Josh Dean
Then the officers move some pieces of siding on the ground under the trailer, and they found his underground bunker.
Will Ferrell
Wow.
Josh Dean
April and her daughter were hiding inside all along.
Will Ferrell
Yeah. Having the best time.
Josh Dean
He goes to jail, she goes to jail.
Rory Scoville
Now what's fun to think about is that if Will doesn't run out of the woods with the guns, they never find anything. Everyone's fine.
Josh Dean
That is his mistake in the debrief. Later, when he's thinking about what went
Will Ferrell
wrong, Will's hanging out in the forest, just going, they're not gonna catch me. They're not gonna catch me.
Rory Scoville
And then the last thing that in his head was like.
Will Ferrell
Was like, it. No one in there.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. Best place to hide.
Will Ferrell
There's no one in there.
Rory Scoville
Best place to hide out in the open. You just remember that, for God.
Will Ferrell
I really want to talk to them, though. I just want to meet these cops.
Rory Scoville
I want to be one.
Will Ferrell
I just want to. Just want to try to fool them. I want to. I want to show them the bunker, actually. I really want to show off the bunker.
Josh Dean
Very proud.
Rory Scoville
They're going to love my bunker.
Will Ferrell
They're going to be amused if I know these guys. They're going to love my bunker.
Rory Scoville
If I can get them in the house, they're going to be amused.
Will Ferrell
Years. She's probably gone by now.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Definitely not in there, by the way.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
You guys want to see the bunker?
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
I forgot.
Rory Scoville
As soon as they saw her. That's right. Ah, that's right. You're in here.
Will Ferrell
Yeah, you're right. And he just chilled out. Yeah.
Josh Dean
And she kept quiet.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Gosh.
Will Ferrell
But they Heard noise. She was rattling around.
Josh Dean
Yeah, or maybe it was the kid.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, probably a kid doesn't get it.
Josh Dean
Anyway, no injuries, no one shot.
Rory Scoville
All right.
Will Ferrell
Both went to jail.
Josh Dean
Both went to jail. Presumably the dad gets custody after that. Oh, sure. Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Josh Dean
Okay, next one. Will, is it possible you were in Nashua, New Hampshire, on May 3, 2013,
Rory Scoville
and it would behoove you to tell the truth?
Will Ferrell
It is possible, yes.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Josh Dean
That's the day with someone named William Farrell was arrested in a road rage incident.
Will Ferrell
Oh, I was in Nashua for the. What month? Does it say?
Rory Scoville
What.
Will Ferrell
What time of year?
Josh Dean
May or third.
Will Ferrell
Yep. That's when the clam festival is.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, that's right.
Will Ferrell
The Nashua Clambake. I think it's on the celebrity judge every May 3rd.
Josh Dean
Right. Hold on.
Rory Scoville
Any other celebrities? Just you or a panel of.
Will Ferrell
It was a panel of local dignitaries.
Rory Scoville
So you had like, news anchor.
Will Ferrell
News anchor. Local news anchor. Like the coach of, like, the high school team.
Josh Dean
They won the single A volleyball, the mayor and me.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Will Ferrell
That.
Rory Scoville
They see it. I see it.
Will Ferrell
Judging a clambake.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, The Nashua.
Will Ferrell
The Nashua.
Rory Scoville
What year was it?
Josh Dean
2013.
Will Ferrell
2013 always takes place in May. It's the entire month of May.
Rory Scoville
And you were there for. On the third.
Will Ferrell
I was there on the third.
Rory Scoville
Right away.
Will Ferrell
They got you in right out of the gate.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Before I go on, Rory, should we tell. Remember our other road rage story, the one from Delco?
Rory Scoville
Was that the shitting on the cars? Of course I remember it. There was a woman who would. On cars. I know you can't believe it.
Josh Dean
There was a woman who got so upset, she would.
Rory Scoville
She got so upset, she would go up to a car that's just like. They're like, what are you doing? And then she just. On the hood of the car.
Will Ferrell
So that means actually climbing up, pulling her pants down.
Rory Scoville
She would just go to the front of the car.
Will Ferrell
By the way, talk about bowel control. That's the most impressive.
Rory Scoville
So impressive.
Josh Dean
She actually didn't climb on. She projects it on.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, she projects it on.
Josh Dean
Yeah, she can.
Will Ferrell
So she can adjust her pelvis in such a way and then project on.
Rory Scoville
Just push launch.
Josh Dean
Launch. And she went to jail. And we found out later, opened in OnlyFans, I believe. Right. Yeah. Which is the natural should.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. I mean, there's a good chance she's going to be a judge next year.
Will Ferrell
Was listening. If Nashua listens to this.
Rory Scoville
Nashua is like, 13 years ago.
Will Ferrell
They got her. They got her on her Short list.
Josh Dean
So this, this one pales a bit in comparison, but still pretty good.
Will Ferrell
Do you know how I deal with road rage?
Rory Scoville
How?
Will Ferrell
Because I live in an area where the streets are really narrow and the speed limits, you just got to go slow. Yeah, it's got to go slow. And inevitably, someone's on my tail. And whenever they get to the point to pass me, they are ready to give me the finger. And I time it. Just when they look at me and they are about to give me holy hell. And I just go, hi. Just wave at them.
Rory Scoville
And they're like Nashua Clamber. I was there that year. You were right. Carol's was the best.
Will Ferrell
Carol's was the best. That little bit of pepper jack cheese,
Rory Scoville
it made the difference.
Will Ferrell
I'm not mad at you for driving slow.
Josh Dean
Funny you should tell that story, because William Farrell was. A woman was stuck behind you at a light in Nashua. She honked her horn. He got a little pissed when he started moving. He then stops abruptly. And for the next few blocks, he goes a little bit and stops abruptly. You can imagine this scene. She's getting hotter and hotter. He's matter and matter. Finally, he stops at one light, gets out of his car, storms to her window and squirts suntan lotion onto her hair and face through the open window.
Rory Scoville
I, I, I'm a fan of that move. I like that.
Josh Dean
It could have been a lot worse, right?
Rory Scoville
Could have been a lot worse. Yeah.
Josh Dean
You didn't know where I was gonna go with that.
Rory Scoville
The sunscreen is like, you need that.
Josh Dean
She might have just been a weird, funny day.
Rory Scoville
Maybe. It doesn't matter. You need that no matter what.
Josh Dean
Ma', am. You have fair skin hand.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
So?
Will Ferrell
You have some moles that need to be checked, I hope.
Josh Dean
That's the case his lawyer made in court, right?
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Will Feral. He turned himself in to face charges of simple assault. Released on bail. But I feel like the lawyer had a case.
Rory Scoville
Simple assault. It's not.
Will Ferrell
I don't.
Josh Dean
How mad could you be about this? Suntan lotion.
Will Ferrell
I'm gonna grab this bottle of suntan lotion. Show this lady. Besides, it's only simple assault.
Rory Scoville
Do you mean to tell me we haven't all committed a little simple assault here and there?
Will Ferrell
No, I was thinking, would that be a good name for, like, a salad dressing? Simple assault. And it's a play on words. Salt. Maybe not.
Rory Scoville
I say we invest and we see. There's only one way to know.
Josh Dean
You pronounce it with an Italian accent, right? It's simple assault.
Will Ferrell
Simple assault.
Rory Scoville
I'd like to be series A.
Will Ferrell
You know, I could.
Josh Dean
If we go all in, our next story takes us to Benton, Missouri, where we're.
Rory Scoville
How many stories do you have?
Will Ferrell
What year?
Josh Dean
This actually is the last story.
Rory Scoville
This is closing on Benton, Missouri.
Josh Dean
Well, there are a few bonuses.
Will Ferrell
Wait, not Bentonville.
Josh Dean
Not Bentonville, Arkansas, Missouri. Benton, Missouri, because Bentonville, Arkansas. Where. Go ahead, William Farrell.
Rory Scoville
I get your code in this case.
Josh Dean
Bill.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Josh Dean
Bill Farrell made waves after an arrest.
Rory Scoville
Were you ever a Bill? Did you ever get Bill?
Will Ferrell
Sometimes the very funny actor David Koechner would always call me Bill. Bill. Yeah. Hey, Bill. That's about it.
Josh Dean
All right, well, this Bill makes waves after an arrest because of who he used to be. Local TV station said a former sheriff finds himself spending time in the very jail he helped build. On Friday, a Scott county grand jury indicted Bill Ferrell on one count of felony stealing. Following a state audit, investigators found missing money from a county DARE fund.
Will Ferrell
Okay.
Josh Dean
Which is the kids Anti drug.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, Yeah. I dare you to keep kids off drugs.
Will Ferrell
I dare you to take drugs.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Reverse psychology.
Rory Scoville
Exactly. Yeah. And kids are like, well, I'm not.
Will Ferrell
No way. Hey, I dare you.
Josh Dean
He was charged with a class C felony. Okay. Which covers theft of more than 500, but less than 25,000, which feels like quite a broad.
Rory Scoville
That is such a gap.
Josh Dean
Yeah. Big gap. All right.
Will Ferrell
Big, bad Bill Ferrell. Yeah.
Josh Dean
You want to guess what his excuse was for? Why he stole the money from the dare fund?
Rory Scoville
He needed to buy drugs.
Will Ferrell
Oh, that's a good one.
Josh Dean
Oh, that would have been a good one. I wish that was so. Not that.
Rory Scoville
So now I know it's not that.
Josh Dean
He put the money there himself. He said so. It's, quote, my personal money. Oh. Which, if I'm understanding correctly, means he personally donated to dare, which gives him the right to take it back, I guess. Is that true? I mean, again, apparently not, because he's charged with a crime.
Rory Scoville
Right.
Josh Dean
He also may have just lied and said that that's what he had done.
Will Ferrell
I think probably.
Rory Scoville
That's probably Occam's Razor, Right? The whole thing that seems.
Will Ferrell
I put my own money. Yeah.
Josh Dean
So, yeah, he's charged. He was the former sheriff. He wasn't the active sheriff. Stole from the kids.
Will Ferrell
Okay. Maybe he thought the kids had enough. Kids got enough money.
Rory Scoville
How much do the kids need? Yeah. Why do the kids need any money?
Josh Dean
Actually, it's just for the commercials. It's not even for the kids.
Rory Scoville
It's for the commercials. I'm actually on Billy Farrell's team.
Will Ferrell
I bet you Bill saw the production costs and were like, they don't need that much money for these commercials because he.
Rory Scoville
Before he was sheriff, he was a line producer.
Will Ferrell
He was a line producer. Very effective.
Rory Scoville
And he knew.
Will Ferrell
He knew how to cut corners.
Josh Dean
I'm gonna take somewhere between 501 and 24,999 dol get this shoot done all in for 9k.
Rory Scoville
Yes.
Will Ferrell
We don't need 500 grand. I'm Billy.
Rory Scoville
Catering. Catering.
Will Ferrell
Hey, I'm Bill Ferrell.
Rory Scoville
Crafty. It's a one hour shoot. So crafty.
Will Ferrell
By the way, on a Bill Ferrell shoot, no craft service. There's no snacks.
Rory Scoville
No, no, no, no, no. That's one of his main moves.
Will Ferrell
There's a thermos of Folgers coffee and that's it. Yeah. No cups even.
Rory Scoville
There was one day they were.
Will Ferrell
Bring your own mug.
Rory Scoville
They go, before we start safety meeting, he goes, time is money. Skip it. And they skipped it. They immediately skipped it.
Will Ferrell
Here's a safety meeting. You stay out of Bill Ferrell's way.
Rory Scoville
You'll be safe. Stay out of my way.
Will Ferrell
Have a good day.
Rory Scoville
Get the shot. Have fun.
Will Ferrell
Have fun. Get the shot. Stay out of my way. Safety meeting done.
Rory Scoville
Get the shot. Because if you're in my way, stay loose. Stay loose. Do a fun run. Do a fun run. At the end, get the scripted.
Will Ferrell
Get it scripted. Then do one for yourself. Have fun with it.
Rory Scoville
Have fun. Don't lock up.
Will Ferrell
Don't lock. Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Stay out of my fucking way.
Will Ferrell
Stay out of my fucking way. But let's have fun with it. God, Bill, he ran. He ruled with an iron fist. He ruled it.
Rory Scoville
He shot a lot of commercials.
Will Ferrell
He shot a lot of commercials in Benton.
Rory Scoville
What was Missouri.
Josh Dean
Missouri.
Will Ferrell
Yeah. He shot most of the commercials in Benton.
Josh Dean
Before we move on to our game,
Will Ferrell
Bill gets to hear this.
Rory Scoville
I would love. I mean, Bill writes you back.
Josh Dean
Oh, my God.
Will Ferrell
Yes.
Josh Dean
We have to.
Rory Scoville
I'm the Bill.
Will Ferrell
Bring me back. Yeah, bring me back.
Rory Scoville
Bill Ferrell.
Josh Dean
Oh, for sure.
Rory Scoville
The four of us.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Oh, we'll bring him back.
Rory Scoville
And the whole time he's like, I'm not really a line producer. Ah, come on, tell us.
Will Ferrell
Okay, so. But give us more stories about your shoots in Benton. All the commercial shoots you did and you did. I understand you did a made for television movie.
Rory Scoville
Billy.
Josh Dean
Billy F. We'll bring sunscreen. Will too. Okay, Bring them all.
Will Ferrell
We'll bring all the wills who respond. Okay. Yeah, that'll be okay. I'll come back for that. You guys are Gonna have to come back out to la.
Rory Scoville
All right, fine. If Billy's flying in, we're flying in.
Josh Dean
He's driving.
Will Ferrell
It's gonna be exciting. Billy's probably gonna drive.
Josh Dean
Billy's gonna drive. He loves a road trip.
Will Ferrell
He loves the urban road.
Rory Scoville
Yeah, yeah.
Josh Dean
He's got a Lincoln Continental.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Like a 97.
Rory Scoville
A little cheaper to drive. Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
So before we move on to our game segment, because Lane probably wants to go to sleep.
Rory Scoville
That's right.
Josh Dean
She's in France. Our producer's in France.
Will Ferrell
Oh.
Josh Dean
We will be meeting her shortly.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
We unfortunately don't have time for the story of Willie Farrell in Connecticut, who was discovered by state police in a car with a prostitute engaging in a sex act on state police property.
Rory Scoville
Brazen.
Josh Dean
Brazen.
Rory Scoville
What a gear shift in the crimes right there at the end.
Josh Dean
I mean, it was just the one.
Rory Scoville
We don't have time for.
Josh Dean
It was just, you know, to adult two, consenting.
Will Ferrell
I've been called Willie more than I've ever been called Bill.
Josh Dean
Oh.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Well, my parents thought I was going to be a Willy.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Mom was going to call me Willie.
Rory Scoville
Willie Farrell.
Josh Dean
Well, this is what would have happened had. Had you been.
Will Ferrell
Yeah. Thank God.
Josh Dean
Alternate paths. And then we also don't have time for Liam Farrell, which I believe is what the Irish call wills
Rory Scoville
pass or stay.
Josh Dean
I've been told Liam.
Will Ferrell
No, Liam's its own name. It's not short for William.
Josh Dean
I looked it up.
Rory Scoville
Really?
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
Where? The Internet.
Rory Scoville
Irish nicknames.
Will Ferrell
Dot com.
Rory Scoville
There's your first mistake. Using a resource we all use, the Dark Web.
Josh Dean
I looked it up on the Dark Web.
Will Ferrell
The dark web.
Josh Dean
Liam Farrell, 56, attacked a priest in his church with a chalice before trying to gouge out the eyes of a sacristan. I don't know what that is. He also attacked a man who was sitting with his wife outside the church. Just so I don't leave you hanging, this Will Ferrell. Liam had said that bad spirits caused him to do it, which could be.
Rory Scoville
The ones we didn't have time for were the more R rated.
Josh Dean
Oh, yeah, we bad spirits. Could be ghosts or whiskey.
Will Ferrell
Okay.
Josh Dean
And after the break, Lane's game. We play a game.
Will Ferrell
And do I put my sleep mask back on?
Josh Dean
You can put your sleep mask back on.
Rory Scoville
All right. If you want to stay focused.
Kal Penn
Hey, everyone, It's Kal Penn. I'm the host of Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook project Hail Mary Massive sci fi adventure about survival and science and what happens when you wake up alone, very far from Earth.
Ray Porter
I really had to make a decision because I caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections. And it's like, okay, yo, yo, yo, is this indulgent? And I really thought about it.
Rory Scoville
I was like, no.
Ray Porter
At this point it would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story if I don't go through it. But there's places in this book that that deeply, emotionally affected me and I left it on the mic. That's great because it served the story. People will say like, oh my God, I cried at the end. It's like, yeah, dude, me too.
Kal Penn
Listen to Irsay the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Rory Scoville
Savings vary, check one through two. Lane, is that you? Can you hear me, Layne? Coming through.
Lane Rose
Bonjour.
Rory Scoville
Lane, you're in. You're in France.
Lane Rose
I am in France. Today we ordered just like raw radishes with a side of butter.
Will Ferrell
Done.
Josh Dean
It was good.
Lane Rose
It was really good.
Will Ferrell
The best. A little bit of salt, right?
Lane Rose
Yeah. Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Simple, simple, simple assault.
Josh Dean
Are you ready, Lane?
Lane Rose
Yeah, I'm ready.
Will Ferrell
All right. Sleep mask down.
Josh Dean
Hello, and welcome back to Crimeless Rory. What time is it?
Rory Scoville
It's time for Lane's game.
Josh Dean
Can you explain to Will what happens here?
Rory Scoville
So, Will, we play a game that Lane has designed. It can be anything. It could be anything. It's just. It is a game. We might three be competing. We might all be on the same team.
Will Ferrell
Okay.
Josh Dean
It wants. It was vice presidential trivia once.
Rory Scoville
It could be. It can be anything.
Josh Dean
Lane, what is it today?
Lane Rose
So we're going to do kind of a revamp of a game we did before that we really loved.
Rory Scoville
Love A Revamp.
Lane Rose
I'm going to give you a title of a movie, and it's going to be a sports film in honor of Will being the guest, since he's the king of sports comedies. And you just have to tell me what that movie's about. You gotta give me a plot line.
Rory Scoville
Okay. Love this.
Lane Rose
If you know the movie, you have to tell me. That's the one rule. Because I'll skip to the next one.
Josh Dean
Okay, well, if or if one of us knows it, we should pass to someone who doesn't know. Right?
Rory Scoville
So the three of us. The three of us are concocting what we think this movie is about. Together. All right, so we're.
Will Ferrell
Only one of us knows it.
Rory Scoville
Yes, that's right.
Will Ferrell
Okay. Then you can't participate.
Josh Dean
So we're working collectively. Okay.
Will Ferrell
Okay.
Lane Rose
Yep.
Josh Dean
Okay.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Lane Rose
The first one's called ladybug. It's from 1990.
Rory Scoville
We all know that one. We all know that one. I'm gonna Speak for the group. Wait, do you not know it?
Josh Dean
I don't know it.
Rory Scoville
Oh, then you should guess. I definitely do know it.
Josh Dean
You do?
Rory Scoville
Yes.
Josh Dean
Will. Do you know it?
Will Ferrell
Well, if I guess, I might give it away, though.
Josh Dean
Is it an anime?
Rory Scoville
You know it. You know it. Look in your heart. Have you looked there yet?
Will Ferrell
But my heart's so dark. It's gotta be little girls playing soccer.
Josh Dean
Soccer.
Will Ferrell
And they're the Ladybugs. And they come from. They're like. They come from nowhere. And they go on to win the championship.
Rory Scoville
Not bad. Not bad.
Lane Rose
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Do you want a clue?
Josh Dean
So she's okay. Yeah. Kill a clue.
Rory Scoville
The coach is played by Rodney Dangerfield.
Lane Rose
Tells you a lot about the plot. Just the.
Josh Dean
That was very helpful.
Rory Scoville
I meant Jugs.
Will Ferrell
And he can't deal with the girls. The girls are dry. But they go from annoying him to. By the end of the movie, he loves them. He loves them and they love him.
Josh Dean
Irrepressible. And they win the championship. But one of them.
Will Ferrell
No, no, no. But they lose the final game.
Josh Dean
Oh, but he doesn't get mad. They expect him to throw a fit. In fact, he says it's okay. The real lesson here is learning to play together.
Will Ferrell
But he's. He's dealing a little bit of cocaine on the side.
Rory Scoville
All right, so I already know we lose a point.
Josh Dean
Okay.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
Rory. What?
Josh Dean
Rory, what is the actual plot of this movie?
Lane Rose
Yeah, Rory, you reveal it.
Rory Scoville
The team isn't any good. And is it Jonathan Silver. What's his name?
Will Ferrell
Silverback? Silverstone.
Rory Scoville
Anyways, he. He dresses as a girl to join the team.
Will Ferrell
Oh, they have a.
Rory Scoville
But then in the championship, he.
Will Ferrell
I feel like this is not. I feel like we're not coming.
Rory Scoville
Well, because we didn't get it. And anyways, they.
Will Ferrell
They.
Rory Scoville
In the championship, they go on to win it without his cheating.
Josh Dean
They didn't need him.
Rory Scoville
They didn't need him.
Will Ferrell
They came together and. Was this Rodney Dangerfield's tomfoolery that forced the kid to. Okay.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
So did the kid.
Rory Scoville
It's like his stepson, I think.
Will Ferrell
Okay.
Rory Scoville
I love that movie. I love it.
Josh Dean
All right, what's our second movie?
Lane Rose
The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh.
Rory Scoville
Okay, now we got this. I'm gonna go with. I'm gonna assume it's swimming.
Josh Dean
Yep, it's swimming.
Rory Scoville
And they put it on the football team. A dolphin is on the football team.
Josh Dean
They realize that there's a loophole that. So they. It's the best swimmin of all the Pittsburgh high schools. But there's one team that they can Never beat. Because there's this girl who's really fast and they realize there's a loophole. It never says dolphins can't be on your team, so they recruit a dolphin.
Rory Scoville
Any thoughts? I like. I kind of like what we're getting here.
Will Ferrell
I actually. I actually know the movie, so I'm.
Rory Scoville
Oh, you do know it.
Will Ferrell
I'm abstaining.
Josh Dean
Are we close?
Will Ferrell
So not close.
Rory Scoville
Does it involve swimming?
Will Ferrell
Ah.
Josh Dean
So, Will, what is it?
Will Ferrell
It is a movie about basketball, naturally stars Gabe Kaplan from welcome Back Cotter fame. He is, I think, the coach of. And I think it's loosely tied to the old aba. And it's about a team in Pittsburgh. Like, they have to. The team kind of once again comes from nowhere to, like, either save Pittsburgh or do something. I don't know.
Josh Dean
Yeah. What are the stakes? Why is Pittsburgh in trouble?
Lane Rose
So the basketball team is called the Pittsburgh Pythons and they just really suck. They lack talent and everyone hates them. So the ball boy has an idea. He brings in an astrologer and they devised the perfect concept. The whole team is going to be redrafted and be all Pisces.
Rory Scoville
Wow.
Lane Rose
And they work. It works. They're all the same sign.
Josh Dean
So an astrologer picks the team.
Will Ferrell
By the way, footnote on Gabe Kaplan of welcome Back Cotter fame, if anyone remembers that show.
Josh Dean
Yes, I do.
Will Ferrell
It's one of my hardest bombing sketches ever on Saturday Night Live that I wrote where I was someone who worked at an office hoping to meet Gabe Kaplan. Dress who I dress and look like Gabe Kaplan. Because I know he freakings our insurance company. He's a client of our insurance company. And it's the day in the break room where he came and went, but no one got me. No one told me.
Josh Dean
And I'm pissed at everyone who plays Gabe.
Will Ferrell
No one. You never see. You don't see him, but I look exactly like him from welcome Back Carter.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
And I'm admonishing my fellow, like, you guys. Yeah. I only work here because I want to meet him.
Rory Scoville
And it's just tanking.
Will Ferrell
And you never. And it's tanking so hard.
Josh Dean
Does it get to air? It makes it.
Will Ferrell
No, it got cut at just like. No, no, it was. We used to watch it on repeat because we laughed. I'd have tear and palms so bad. It was so bad. So that's fun.
Josh Dean
All right, third movie.
Rory Scoville
All right.
Lane Rose
How about the Slugger's Wife?
Rory Scoville
Baseball?
Will Ferrell
Anybody?
Rory Scoville
It's going to be baseball.
Will Ferrell
It's going to be baseball.
Rory Scoville
It's going to be baseball.
Josh Dean
So something happens to the slugger.
Lane Rose
He and his wife.
Will Ferrell
Maybe the wife. She's tired. She's tired?
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
She's tired of. She's tired of.
Rory Scoville
She's tired of it.
Will Ferrell
She's tired of it. He's on the road, she's on the road.
Rory Scoville
Too many games every season.
Will Ferrell
I'm going to take control of my life.
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Will Ferrell
What about me? Yeah. And she goes back to dental school. She wants to be a dental hygienist.
Rory Scoville
Yes. Yes. And with her barely see the slugger. Yeah. With her gone, he can't. He got. Isn't back the same. His numbers are tanks. He goes into a slump. Yeah. He needs her at the games, but she's too busy at dental school, so he quits.
Josh Dean
He quits and supports her career. Yes, as the dental. Yes, as the greatest dental hygienist us
Will Ferrell
that until the team suffers a very significant injury toward. Towards the pennant run. They call him back into action. He's like, honey, is it okay? I'll only go if you want me to. She's like, go, do what you were put on earth to do.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. And she has lost so many patients. She's not good. She's not good. So many bodies are piling up.
Lane Rose
Hygienist, too. Like that's.
Rory Scoville
And she's just doing hygiene. She's doing hygiene.
Will Ferrell
She does not have the Midas touch. She's got the opposite. The Midas touch.
Rory Scoville
Lane, how close?
Lane Rose
You have, like, one plot point.
Will Ferrell
So it's which one? That's it. Which one?
Lane Rose
Atlanta Braves outfielder falls in love with a Debbie. She's a nightclub singer, not a hygienist. No, sorry. He begins hitting home runs whenever the singer is in the stands. And soon they're married. So. So he needs her there. But it scares her. It really scares her. So she wants to focus on her own career and she is.
Josh Dean
Oh, there we go.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Lane Rose
See?
Rory Scoville
Yeah.
Josh Dean
And he slumps when she goes away. He slumps, Right?
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
I think we got it. I think that's a point that feels
Lane Rose
like a point that feels like a pretty good point.
Will Ferrell
All right.
Josh Dean
Yeah. Yeah.
Will Ferrell
One more.
Lane Rose
Amazing Grace and Chuck.
Rory Scoville
Amazing Grace and Chuck.
Josh Dean
So it's about Grace and Chuck, and there's a religious aspect. What's the.
Rory Scoville
What sport? Pigeon shooting, probably.
Josh Dean
But it's probably pigeon shooting.
Will Ferrell
Not at all.
Rory Scoville
Ultimate Frisbee.
Will Ferrell
That's such a big sport like that.
Josh Dean
Yeah.
Rory Scoville
It's not going to be that big.
Lane Rose
Too amazing.
Rory Scoville
You're right.
Will Ferrell
Ultimate Frisbee's not amazing. Chuck and Grace. I'm going to say it's basketball again.
Josh Dean
Okay.
Rory Scoville
Private school.
Josh Dean
Is there a nun?
Rory Scoville
There's a nun.
Will Ferrell
Yep, Yep, yep.
Rory Scoville
Okay.
Will Ferrell
Grace. Grace is the nun.
Josh Dean
Grace is the nun. Yeah.
Will Ferrell
Yep. Amazing Chuck.
Rory Scoville
Imagine if. If when you went to pitch a movie, they had to guess what they thought. The movie.
Will Ferrell
The writer's going, nope, nope, nope.
Rory Scoville
Not even close. Proudly.
Will Ferrell
Imagine if the students were like, don't tell us, don't tell us. Don't tell us.
Rory Scoville
Is there a nun?
Will Ferrell
Is there a nun making Chuck and Grace. Is there not?
Rory Scoville
No, no, no.
Will Ferrell
Maybe Amazing Chuck is a boxer. He's a fighter.
Rory Scoville
Oh, okay.
Josh Dean
I like this.
Will Ferrell
And he's a single dad.
Rory Scoville
And Grace is the kid.
Will Ferrell
Grace is the kid. Oh, right. And he's in a slump. He doesn't know what to do. Just lost his wife.
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Will Ferrell
Yeah. And he's just like. He won't give up the dream. Yeah. And Grace says, come on, dad, let's do for mom. And she becomes his cut man. His cut man.
Rory Scoville
Yeah. Yeah.
Josh Dean
Grace.
Will Ferrell
Yeah.
Josh Dean
But she needs a stool. Like a.
Rory Scoville
Of course. And the stool was carved by his wife.
Will Ferrell
Yes. Cuz she was an ex.
Rory Scoville
Girl woodworker maybe has powers. I don't know. I don't know if that's the kind of movie you're trying to.
Will Ferrell
I do know. I do know.
Josh Dean
And when the daughter stands on the stool, he sees his wife.
Will Ferrell
Yes.
Rory Scoville
I don't know if I love that. I don't know.
Will Ferrell
I don't know if I love that. Is it like a ghost thing?
Josh Dean
Yeah, like a ghost.
Will Ferrell
Like ghost. Yeah. Like the movie Ghosts. Yeah, exactly.
Josh Dean
You see the superimposed over the stone?
Will Ferrell
Yeah. Right. No, really? Oh, we lost. I don't think so.
Rory Scoville
I don't think so. I'm gonna ding.
Will Ferrell
You're tapped out. I'm out. Okay. How close were we.
Lane Rose
You got. There's a kid in it, so that's a point.
Rory Scoville
Not bad. Not bad.
Lane Rose
Okay, so Chuck is just an average kid who goes on a field trip to a nuclear weapons fac.
Will Ferrell
And.
Lane Rose
And there he learns about the destructive power that sits with the military.
Will Ferrell
Sure.
Lane Rose
So after he figures this out, he decides he's not pitching anymore until the nuclear weapons are disarmed.
Rory Scoville
Can't believe we didn't go.
Will Ferrell
He doesn't want to play baseball anymore.
Josh Dean
Little League until nuclear disarmament. Okay, so he rededicates himself from baseball to nuclear disarm.
Will Ferrell
He's.
Rory Scoville
And he's held
Lane Rose
middle school.
Will Ferrell
So it's kind of like the classic movie War Games.
Rory Scoville
Matthew. Brad.
Will Ferrell
But nowhere near as good.
Rory Scoville
But baseball but baseball.
Will Ferrell
Baseball. But Little League.
Rory Scoville
That's how you pitch it. It's war games, baseball.
Will Ferrell
And you mic drop and you walk
Rory Scoville
out and studios are like, give him 120. I know he asked for 100.
Will Ferrell
Give him 100. Give him 120. I don't want to lose him. Who started, who started this movie? I want to buy. We got to get that script. I think we can get it for 100. 120. 120 or Iharwa
Lane Rose
NBA star Alex English plays amazing Alex ing former Denver nugget.
Josh Dean
Oh, yeah, right.
Rory Scoville
Oh, all right. Yeah.
Lane Rose
And he decides to get in on the boycott too. And it carries this like whole trend.
Josh Dean
So it's an anti war movie.
Rory Scoville
What year is this movie?
Lane Rose
1987.
Josh Dean
Oh, height of the cult.
Rory Scoville
Such a year for it. For it, you know.
Josh Dean
Well, so we got. Got all of them correct.
Will Ferrell
Right.
Lane Rose
Really successful round.
Rory Scoville
Thank you, Lane.
Josh Dean
I feel like.
Lane Rose
Yeah, thank you.
Rory Scoville
All right, enjoy. Enjoy France, you guys. Lane was joining us from France today as the wall.
Josh Dean
We can see by the wallpaper.
Rory Scoville
Yes.
Lane Rose
Tropical.
Will Ferrell
Go say hi to the dock workers in Marseille. I know. It's a port city. Yeah, yeah.
Lane Rose
Walk down there right now.
Will Ferrell
Go right down there.
Rory Scoville
Go now.
Lane Rose
By myself?
Rory Scoville
Yep.
Will Ferrell
11pm Just wait till 1 in the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lane Rose
Oh, yeah. That's fair. That's when they're most active.
Will Ferrell
Yeah. All right, Lane.
Rory Scoville
All right, Lane. Get some sleep.
Josh Dean
Bon nuit.
Lane Rose
Bon nuit.
Will Ferrell
Bon nuit.
Rory Scoville
And to our listeners out there, we want to thank Mr. William Farrell for being here today.
Josh Dean
Our second guest, power down.
Rory Scoville
Our second guest, which if you're following our pattern, you know our next one will be an animal.
Josh Dean
Will. We've lost Will.
Rory Scoville
AI robot. Will Ferrell was here to this video. Yes.
Will Ferrell
I sure enjoyed my time with you. What a pleasant experience. I hope to talk to you soon again. Is there anything I could do better the next time we have a talk?
Rory Scoville
No, no, no, no, no, no. You got it.
Will Ferrell
Thank you.
Rory Scoville
I do want you to see Ladybugs, though.
Will Ferrell
I sure enjoyed my time with you. I have ladybugs on my list. That's first up on my list to watch Ladybugs followed by Amazing Grace and Chuck. Or is it the other way? I guess I'll have to find out.
Rory Scoville
Amazing Chuck and Grace.
Will Ferrell
Amazing Chuck and Grace. I think.
Josh Dean
I think you stuck the software's glitch.
Will Ferrell
Amazing Chuck and Grace.
Rory Scoville
That's all right.
Will Ferrell
Amazing Chuck and Grace.
Rory Scoville
That'll be our fade out.
Will Ferrell
Amazing chuck and grace. Amazing chuck and grace. Amazing chuck and grace. Amazing chuck and grace.
Josh Dean
Crimeless is a production of Smartless Media, Campside Media and Big Money Players in partnership with iHeart podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scoville and me, Josh Dean. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Siminoff is our Associate producer. This episode was written by Lane Rose and me, Josh Dean. We're sound, designed and engineered by Blake Brook with support from Ewan lytram. Ewan Mark McAdam composed our theme song. The executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriadas, Matt Sher and me, Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart Podcast and Big Money Players are Jack O', Brien, Lindsey Hoffman and Matt Abodaka. For Smartless Media, the executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes and Richard Corson. Bernie Kaminski is head of Production. The Associate producer is Matty McCann. A special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and Sabina Mara. Do you have a question, comment or confession for the Crimless team? Email us@crimelessampsidemedia.com and if you enjoyed Crimeless, please rate and review the show wherever you get your podcasts. It helps people find the show and also makes us feel validated. Unless you're mean, in which case keep it to yourself. We'll see you next week. Crimeless Nation.
Podcast Announcer
This is Sophia Donner from OK Storytime this summer. Find your next obsession on Prime Video and listen. We're not saying you need another obsession, but there could be a lot worse one. Steamy romance, addictive love stories, and the book to screen favorites you've already read twice, so why not watch them a third time off campus? Elle the Love Hypothesis and More Slow Burns Second Chances chemistry you can feel through the screen and it makes you wish you were actually in that movie. We've got binge worthy series can't miss movies, perfect for when you're ignoring your own problems or procrastinating as one does. Your next obsession is waiting. Watch only on Prime Time.
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Will Ferrell
It.
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Rory Scoville
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Podcast Announcer
This is an I Heart podcast.
Will Ferrell
Guaranteed human.
Release Date: May 13, 2026
Hosts: Josh Dean & Rory Scoville
Guest: Will Ferrell
In this playful and irreverent episode, comedian Will Ferrell joins the CrimeLess team—Josh Dean and Rory Scoville—to investigate an absurdly niche question: “What crimes have been committed by people named Will Ferrell?” Blending true crime, improv, historical oddities, and comedic banter, the trio explores a range of criminal acts (petty and peculiar, old and recent) attributed to real-life Will Ferrells. Listeners can expect wild anecdotes, running jokes, silly historical reenactments, and a game segment, all delivered in the show's signature silly but clever style.
[02:30 – 06:10]
"Rory. It's one of the funniest sets of comedy I've seen in a long time." – Will Ferrell [04:19]
Memorable moment:
"Whenever I used to record back in the day, I’d wear my sleep mask." – Will Ferrell [05:33]
[06:14 – 08:47]
"I stole fake money." – Will Ferrell [07:47]
[08:53 – 13:24]
“So we performed in the courtroom... in bad fluorescent lighting. We killed. Sorry. Guilty.” – Will Ferrell [12:49]
[14:24 – 20:54]
“That's where that old, old saying comes from. Watch out for the butcher cart. The butcher cart you can avoid on a Tuesday will lead to your salvation on a Wednesday.” – Will Ferrell [20:39]
[21:25 – 23:41]
[28:32 – 33:44]
“I really want to talk to them, though. I just want to meet these cops... I want to show them the bunker, actually.” – Will Ferrell [33:31]
[34:24 – 38:26]
"How mad could you be about this? Suntan lotion." – Will Ferrell [38:18]
[39:00 – 42:50]
[43:52 – 45:16]
[49:02 – 61:40]
“Imagine if, when you went to pitch a movie, they had to guess what they thought the movie was about.” – Rory Scoville [57:50]
Memorable banter and running gags:
| Segment/Story | Timestamp (approx.) | |---------------------------------------------------|-------------------------| | Welcome & Sleep Mask Bit | 02:30 – 06:10 | | Will's Childhood Monopoly Crime | 06:14 – 08:47 | | Jury Duty Rumor & OJ Trial Anecdote | 09:01 – 13:24 | | 1884 Butcher Cart Heist | 14:24 – 20:54 | | 1925 Speeding Case ("Same Name" Defense) | 21:25 – 23:41 | | The Kentucky Bunker/Horse Fugitive (2014) | 28:32 – 33:44 | | Nashua Suntan Lotion Assault (2013) | 34:24 – 38:26 | | Missouri Sheriff & D.A.R.E. Fund Theft | 39:00 – 42:50 | | Quickfire: The Rest of the Will/Liam Farrells | 43:52 – 45:16 | | Lane’s Game: Sports Movie Plot Improv | 49:02 – 61:40 |
If you enjoy true crime, improv, or just watching a comedy legend riff on the weirdness of sharing a name with a series of petty criminals, this is pure comfort food for your earbuds. And remember: “Watch out for the butcher cart you can avoid on a Tuesday; it will lead to your salvation on a Wednesday.”