← Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark
Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark
Your Guide To A Great First Year Of Marriage | Kyler & Britt Nixon
01:00:49
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- [00:00]
Alex Clark
What are the different apology styles and how do you find out what you.
- [00:04]
Kyler Nixon
Are and what your spouse is you have accepting responsibility. There's genuinely repenting, which is I'm so sorry, I'm not going to do that again. Right. There's expressing regret, which is I'm really sorry. There's requesting forgiveness, which is just simply saying, will you forgive me? Right. And then the last one is they need you to really make up for it. Like they need you to show you that I'm not going to do that again and I'm going to make up for it. I'm going to go take an ice cream. I'm going to go do all that stuff.
- [00:29]
Alex Clark
I need you to feed me grapes. I want a foot rub. I want you to tell me how beautiful I am. You're so sorry. How could you ever make me cry? Kiss me on the forehead 100 times. Like I need that. All of it. I'm really sorry. You want to go get some ice cream?
- [00:41]
Kyler Nixon
Yes.
- [00:41]
Alex Clark
That's me. You know how everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest? Well, what if it could actually be the most formative, faith filled and fun year instead? Today I'm sitting down with Kyler and Britt Nixon, the founders of Love youe First Year, a ministry equipping dating, engaged and newly married Christian couples to build marriages that last. We're talking about real readiness for marriage, how to know if it's more than chemistry or butterflies, how to to vet a future spouse biblically and what it truly means to become one. Kyler and Brit get honest about their own first year fights, the lessons they learn the hard way, and how couples can navigate conflict, expectations and intimacy with grace and truth. So whether you're dating, engaged or celebrating your first anniversary, grab your coffee, take some notes and let's learn how to love your first year. And every year after, watch this episode from the Jevity Studio on the real Alex Clark YouTube channel or culture Apothecary on Spotify. Please pause and leave a five star review letting us know which episode this year has made the biggest impact on your life. Please welcome the founders of Love your first year, Kyler and Brit Nixon to Culture Apothecary. How do you help couples know if they're truly ready for marriage beyond just feeling in love or having great chemistry?
- [02:20]
Kyler Nixon
That's a really good question. I, I think there's a few sort of readiness factors that we tend to talk to couples about. So first is financial readiness. And that's a, a big one. The thing with financial readiness is you don't have to have two people who have super well paying jobs and you sort of have everything figured out, right? I think a lot of couples think that that's what financial readiness looks like. What we recommend is really just one person has a steady job that you can count on, right? So if you're younger and one of you is in school and the other one has a great job, that's fine. Right? So I think financial readiness is really important. Second, and this maybe isn't in order, but I think affirmation from people around you, right? Do your family and your friends and people who are spiritually mature around you, do they affirm your relationship? Do they say, yeah, we see that you should be getting married and we see that that is the logical next step. So I think those are two major sort of readiness indicators.
- [03:14]
Alex Clark
So it's interesting that you talk about readiness because I think a lot of the times you hear different couples saying things like, well, I feel like I need to wait until I feel ready for marriage. What do you say to people that wonder, like, am I ready? Do I feel ready? Like, do you ever feel ready for marriage? Like, do you think, yes, you feel ready for marriage? Because I also hear that with parenthood, you know, people that are like, I'm not ready to be a mom, and then people are like, you'll never feel ready to be a mom.
- [03:38]
Britt Nixon
Yeah, I don't think you, I don't think you ever will fully feel ready. I think that there's a lot of things that you can do to prepare and like, sort of feel ready, but you're never going to fully feel feel ready.
- [03:49]
Kyler Nixon
I think we do, and we can use peace as a little bit of an indicator, right? So as Christians, like, if you have a severe lack of peace about that relationship and you're like, oh my goodness, this is just giving me so much anxiety. Like, some of that is normal in the sense of, as you toward marriage, it's normal to feel a little bit overwhelmed by that whole process. But some of it is sort of like the Lord saying, hey, this is a bit of a check engine light and I don't know if this is the person for you. Right. And so if you have peace and, and you feel like you're financially ready and the people around you are affirming it, then it's sort of, yeah, go ahead and, and keep moving forward.
- [04:21]
Alex Clark
How do you vet a man to know if he's ready to be a husband?
- [04:24]
Britt Nixon
I mean, I think first and foremost you have to look for any red Flags, like any, any big red flags that are really standing out. So, for example, like, how is he with his money? Like, how is he talking to other people around him? How is his relationship with the Lord? Like, all of those things, Like, I would say, have like a list of, like, priorities almost and have a list of non negotiables. And if he's not, you know, reaching all of those things, then maybe that's.
- [04:54]
Alex Clark
Not who God has for you in a Christian relationship. What do you think some of those standards should be for, for his relationship with the Lord? Because a lot of guys will say, oh, I'm a Christian, I have a relationship with the Lord. How do you kind of double check that and push harder?
- [05:08]
Britt Nixon
Yeah, I mean, we, you know, the Bible says, like, we'll know, like by our fruit, right? So, so what is he doing? Like, is he going to church, like, or is he like, truly, like, praying? And like, does he have, like, a really good relationship with the Lord?
- [05:21]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah. Is he walking in the fruit of the Spirit too? Right.
- [05:23]
Britt Nixon
Is he, is he kind?
- [05:24]
Kyler Nixon
Is he gentle? You know, is he selfless? Like, all of those things are indicators of someone who's walking in healthy relationship with the Lord. And then again, going back to what I mentioned earlier, if people around him who are spiritually mature are affirming him as a godly man and as a godly, you know, future husband, that's also a great indicator that they're ready to be a husband.
- [05:45]
Alex Clark
How should a man vet a woman to see if she's ready to be a wife?
- [05:48]
Kyler Nixon
Similar, right? Like, we're looking for red flags. We're looking for spiritual maturity, right? And obviously in marriage and in life, like, you're never fully, like, reaching that spiritual maturity. That's what your life is like, just walking with the Lord every single day. That's what sanctification looks like. And so you're never going to find someone who's perfect. You're never going to find a husband who's perfect. You're never going to find a wife who's perfect. But when I look at Brit, like when we were dating and starting to move toward engagement, and I was asking people around me, hey, do you see this person as my wife? There were things that Brit exhibited that were so clear, right? She was gentle, she was kind. She brought out the best in me. She challenged my sin and she challenged my faults, right? And so I think if those are the things that your girlfriend or your fiance is doing, doing, those are indicators that she is probably going to be a great wife. As well.
- [06:35]
Alex Clark
Do you ever walk with couples where one may be more spiritually mature than the other?
- [06:40]
Britt Nixon
For sure, Yeah. I think that's. I think that is probably more common than you'd think. And I think that that's why, like, God gives us each other so that we can help, like, encourage that person to grow in their spiritual journey, like, with the Lord. And obviously, if, like, you're very different on very different, like, levels of spiritual maturity, that might cause some issues. You know, we, we would say it's important to be equally yoked, right? So that means that if you have very drastic, different, like, spiritual beliefs, then that might not work very well for you in marriage. But if you are on different, like, have different, a little bit different spiritual maturity, like, you can help encourage the other person to. To grow in their relationship with the Lord.
- [07:24]
Kyler Nixon
What we don't recommend couples do is missionary date. Right? And so, like, Brit and I first started dating, I would say her spiritual maturity was way higher than mine. I grew up in church, but sort of was still navigating faith. And what does this look like? And Brit held a clear standard for me. It was like, this is what I require of you in order for me to marry you. And I was like, all right, challenge accepted. Right. And part of that was growing in my relationship with the Lord. And so if your future husband or your future wife is not willing to do that and is not willing to sort of chase after the Lord with you, then I would say pause and let's maybe re evaluate if this is the person for you.
- [08:00]
Alex Clark
Yeah, I think a lot of women, because I, I see this with girls, is we'll be dating somebody we really like. And there's like, well, I'll go to church. Church with you. I'm open to it. I didn't grow up that way. And so they're like, okay, well, he's showing that he's willing to go with me. You know, isn't that good enough? What would your answer be that.
- [08:20]
Britt Nixon
What's not good enough for marriage? Right. It's not good enough for. To move forward in engagement because if you're kind of like wishy washy, you're not fully aligned. So marriage is gonna be a lot harder for you if that's the case than if you are on the same page spiritually.
- [08:35]
Kyler Nixon
I don't necessarily have a huge problem with it in dating. I think some of that is, is okay because like I said, like, we would have never gotten married if that was her viewpoint. But if that person isn't making that relationship with the Lord, their own. Like if I was sort of saying, well, I'm going because I'm trying to date this girl. Right. That's not going to work. Right. But if the person that you're dating is taking serious steps and is really showing interest in that relationship with the Lord and growing personally in their faith, then I think that's a good indicator.
- [09:02]
Alex Clark
Yeah.
- [09:02]
Kyler Nixon
For that relationship.
- [09:03]
Alex Clark
So in the dating stage, she gave you the standard, you were able to rise to the occasion. That kind of showed both of you. Okay, now we're ready to look into the next step of engagement, Correct?
- [09:14]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah.
- [09:14]
Alex Clark
I feel like a lot of people focus on romance and chemistry in dating, but not on, on long term compatibility. Do you guys see that as a big mistake that young couples make is focus on chemistry? Well, I have chemistry with them or maybe they' there's another believer and they're not even. They're attracted to them and they're a believer, but they're like, I don't feel an initial spark with them, so that can't be the one.
- [09:36]
Kyler Nixon
I, I think romance and attraction are important. Like, I don't want to, I don't necessarily fall in the camp of like, get to know them more and then you'll find them more attractive. I'm sure that's probably happens to some people, but I think you do need to have some level of physical attraction to the other person. But what we talk to couples about all the time is be friends first. So much of your marriage is just like spending time with this person. Right. Like sexual intimacy and sort of the romantic parts of marriage. Such a little part of marriage. And so if I'm not like best friends with my spouse and if I don't like genuinely enjoy spending time with Brit, our marriage is going to be really challenging. Right. And so during that dating and engagement season is a really good time to understand, do I like this person? Like, do I like this person as a friend, can I see myself spending a lot of time with this person? And I think that is probably, you know, after physical attraction. I think that's a good first initial checkbox. But after that, spending time building your friendship and that connection, I think is more important than working on the romantic part of a relationship.
- [10:34]
Alex Clark
Do you think that traveling together in the dating stage is super important?
- [10:38]
Kyler Nixon
We don't think couples should be traveling together during engagement or dating without others there. Right. So we, so we believe that the Bible's pretty clear on sex before marriage. Right. Not having sex before marriage. And we can get into that if you want to. But I think one of the challenges with traveling together, especially if it's just the two of you, is you're putting yourself in a really challenging situation. Right. So if you're going across the country with your partner, if you're staying in hotels with your partner, partner, if you're staying, you know, in an RV with your partner, however you're traveling, you're putting yourself in a really intimate position with them. And even if you don't have sex, like you're one, the perception can be really challenging to the people around you. It's like, well, they're staying in a hotel together, surely they're, you know, doing it or whatever. And I think that is a real. A real challenge for Christian couples. So we traveled together when we were dating with family, so I would go on family vacations with her. We stayed in, you know, separate rooms and all that stuff. So I think for engaged or dating Christian couples who are trying to honor the Lord with their purity, I think traveling together one on one is not a smart idea. But I think traveling together with groups or other people is a cool way to kind of understand what is this person like in pressure and under stress and in a new environment.
- [11:47]
Alex Clark
How do you navigate waiting for marriage if you're in a Christian relationship and neither of you had waited?
- [11:53]
Kyler Nixon
I mean, I think in general, the Lord redeems. Right. And so understanding that just because you've sinned in the past is not a great excuse to continue sinning. And so I think first and foremost, acknowledging, hey, this is something that is dishonoring to the Lord. And so from this point forward, we're not going to continue to have sex, whether it's the two of you together or it's past couple partners that you. You've had in the past. Right. So I think that's the first step is just understanding and acknowledging, hey, this isn't honoring to the Lord. And then I think the second thing is walking impurity through your relationship. And that might look like having a little bit tighter boundaries than other couples who haven't had sex before marriage. But I think most my message to couples who have walked through that or maybe wrestling with shame around that, because that's really normal too, to sort of wrestle with shame and guilt. The Lord redeems that situation. Right. Like he. The Lord wants to restore your sexual relationship with your partner. And it's never too late to walk, walk in that.
- [12:47]
Britt Nixon
Yeah. And I think a lot of times Christian couples especially do struggle with that shame and like, shame is not from the Lord, right? Like, God is not a God of shame. So if that is something that, you know, you are struggling with and you have done that in the past and, like, the Lord wants it to take that from you. So, yeah, it's just like. And you. And I think another question we get a lot too, is like, can we still have a good sex life even if we've messed up in the past? And the answer is yes. Like, of course. Like, that is a gift. Like, sex is such a gift to your marriage, and it's designed by God, and so he gets to set the rules for sex. And. And it's. It is an incredible gift.
- [13:23]
Kyler Nixon
So it's hard, though, too, right? Like, it's not easy.
- [13:26]
Alex Clark
You've got some Christian couples that are like, I'm willing to go all the way to the edge besides having sex. You've got some Christian couples that are not even kissing before they're married. How do you know where to draw the line on sexual boundaries in a Christian dating relationship?
- [13:42]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah, I don't think we have, like, a perfect answer for this. I think the practical advice that I would give is there's generally a scale, right? Which you just sort of laid out. If you can handle kissing and not going further than that, then I think it's okay to kiss. Like, I don't think the Bible's like, you should stop here, right. I think. I think there is some gray area there, but I think that if you can't kiss and then keep moving forward, like, then maybe you should just hold. Hold hands or you should just hug. Right? And so I think, you know, you do need to be kind of careful about how far you're going down that. Down that path. I think generally anything that has the word sex after it is probably not appropriate before marriage. But I think for us, like, when we talk to couples, I think, you know, kissing is. Is reasonably okay. I think holding hands is recently okay. I think hugging is okay. But ultimately, that couple has to navigate their own conviction around that topic.
- [14:30]
Britt Nixon
But I think we also say, too, is, like, why. Like, why do we ask the question, how far is too far? Like, like, what's the heart behind that? Why. Why is that? You know, And I think, like, we first have to understand, like, God's heart for sex and. And why it's important that we wait. And it's because he wants to protect us, because sex is, like, an extremely bonding thing. And so waiting is, like, such a gift to your marriage because it's. It's this experience that you get only with your, your spouse, right?
- [15:00]
Alex Clark
So what does it mean to become one biblically?
- [15:03]
Kyler Nixon
So I, I think that this is actually a huge mistake that couples make moving into marriage, right? So you see it in Genesis, you see it in Matthew, that for this reason a man shall leave his father or mother and he will cleave to his wife and the two will become one, right? I think almost everyone thinks about that verse sexually, physically, right? We will become physically one flesh. We believe that the Bible talks about being one in all areas of your marriage, right? Financial, emotionally one, spiritually one, physically one, of course is, is a part of that. But I think that couples that get married and then they keep a separate bank account, like you're not really financially one, right? Or couples that get married and you know, she's still going to her parents or he's still going to his mom or whatever with problems in the relationship. You're not really relationally one at that point. And so I think two becoming one is I think, rightfully understood as becoming one flesh and physically being one. But I think it also encompasses financial oneness, spiritual oneness, emotional oneness as well.
- [16:04]
Alex Clark
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- [18:16]
Kyler Nixon
Well, I think ultimately it's a picture of the way that Christ loves the church, right? And so our marriages should reflect that. Our marriages should reflect the gospel, right? Which is two broken people coming together in a covenantal relationship and reflecting God's love for his church. Right? Jesus love for his church. And so I know that's like a little bit of like a heady like theological definition, I suppose, but I think practically what that looks like is, is am I loving my wife, am I serving my wife, am I respecting my wife, am I being kind to my wife and vice versa, right? My wife to. To me. And I think that those are ways that we then ultimately reflect the gospel. I think if you don't believe the gospel or if you don't like live out the gospel, like there's not really a point of getting married because why are you walking in something that you don't really believe in?
- [19:03]
Alex Clark
Well, and also just a disclaimer. If you're listening to this, you're like, what in the world? Like, if you're not a Christian, this episode isn't gonna apply to you. I mean, that just is a fact. Like this is specifically about Christian dating. The first year of marriage in a Christian relationship. If you're not Christian, then just, yeah, this, you're going to be confused. We love you, but yeah, you're going to be conf.
- [19:25]
Britt Nixon
Yeah.
- [19:25]
Alex Clark
What are the top mistakes that couples are making routinely the first year of marriage, financially?
- [19:30]
Kyler Nixon
We talked about that. Right. So we see a lot of couples who will keep their bank accounts separate. And so kind of going back to the idea of not fully becoming one, where you're one on paper, you're married, but you're not one financially. You might even be going to two different churches. You might.
- [19:44]
Alex Clark
What?
- [19:45]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah.
- [19:45]
Alex Clark
Why in the. Wait a second. Why in the world would you be married and going to different churches? Like on a Sunday, the husband goes one place and the wife goes another.
- [19:52]
Britt Nixon
Yeah.
- [19:53]
Alex Clark
I mean, are you out of your mind? What is their reasoning for that?
- [19:55]
Britt Nixon
That. Yeah, I mean, if you like, were really connected in your church and somebody was really connected in their church, like maybe transferable.
- [20:02]
Kyler Nixon
They do. I think, I think a lot of times couples do it under the guise of compromise. Right. Hey, this is a way that I can serve you and you can serve me, but I don't. Again, I don't think that that's necessarily how the Lord.
- [20:11]
Alex Clark
That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
- [20:15]
Kyler Nixon
We've heard some crazy stuff. But again, it all goes back to two becoming two becoming one. And so you think about problems during the first year. It's again, it's financial, it's things like spending, you know, time away from each other when it comes to church or it's, you know, I'm gonna kind of stay with my family and I want to do their traditions around holidays and I don't really care what your family wants.
- [20:35]
Britt Nixon
Right.
- [20:35]
Kyler Nixon
And so again, that, that is really the root of so many problems as couples not understanding the idea of two becoming one.
- [20:41]
Alex Clark
For somebody who's used to being independent or carrying a lot of responsibility, especially women who've been very self reliant and they're getting married later in life, what are some practical ways to step into a posture as a woman that allows their spouse to lead in the first year when you're used to being a leader yourself.
- [21:00]
Britt Nixon
Yeah. I mean, so I will say we got married really young, so we didn't have that experience. So it's hard to talk like from experience. Right. Because we didn't do that. But what I can say is like, I think there's a lot of freedom in like just being together and, and being a team. Because as one and as a team, like there's, there's so much more that the Lord can do through your marriage as two than there is as one.
- [21:21]
Kyler Nixon
So, yeah, we talk a lot about serving your spouse. Right. Like at our wedding, I still remember this, my dad gave one of the best, like, wedding toasts that I've Ever heard. And he said, make a competition to out serve each other and make selflessness a pillar of your marriage. And we still, like to this day really try to do that. And so I think if you're getting married older. Yeah, it's going to be challenging to like, find those new routines and those new rhythms. And you're like, like not used to being accountable to financial decisions and having to pick up your laundry and all this other stuff. But I think ultimately, if you take the posture of this is somebody who I love and somebody who I care about and I want to serve them, and sometimes that means dying to my own wishes and my own wants and desires, then I think that's often what it takes in marriage.
- [21:59]
Britt Nixon
And we say this a lot too, but marriage is one of the greatest refining processes. Like, you think, oh, I'm, like, not that selfish, or I'm not that prideful, but you get married, you realize very quickly how selfish and prideful you actually are.
- [22:09]
Alex Clark
Do you guys have an example of that that you can share about your own first year of marriage of just like, kind of of your spouse being a marriage? Like, wow, that's something I need to work on.
- [22:17]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah. I think Brit stepped into marriage very ready to be married and very, like, I don't know that there was a lot of hard edges on Brit. I think she was demonstrating a lot of fruit of the spirit like we talked about. Right. For me, like, and I think a lot of guys struggle with this. I dealt with just, like, just impatience and sort of like, man, really quick to be angry. But I think what I said at the open of the show was true. She just said, this is the standard, like, and that standard didn't go down just because we got married. And so. So it's like, hey, I expect you to be gentle with me. Like, I expect you to speak kindly to me. I expect you to be respectful to me. And she didn't necessarily say it like that, but she demonstrated it and walked in that. And so I think that was something that I really had to grow in. And. And still to this day, like, I'm like, oh, man, I didn't like how I said that, or I didn't love how that made her feel. But I think for us, that was something in our first year that we really had to navigate.
- [23:05]
Alex Clark
How should couples navigate situations where one person is coming into the marriage with more past sexual sin than the other? Like, how do you approach grace and accountability and healing in context?
- [23:15]
Britt Nixon
That's tricky. But I think kind of what we said before Is like, you have to know that, well, one, like, if your spouse is asking for forgiveness and their heart is, is turned right and changed, you know, I think just receiving that forgiveness and then also just turning it back to the Lord too and just being like, lord, like, we know that you're a redeemer and we know that you can redeem this situation, so will you just do that for us?
- [23:39]
Kyler Nixon
I think also the offending partner, right? So like the person who has some sexual sin in their past and, and they've gone through that whole process, I think that the person who does not have the sexual sin, I think taking the other person's at their word, I think is, is really important. Like, if they're saying, hey, I only have eyes for you, hey, I am walking in this refining process with the Lord and hey, I want our sex life to be really good and trusting that, right? Because that's really hard. Part of shame and guilt is sort of distorting what's true and, and putting words into your partner's mouth that they're not saying. And so, so if your partner's saying, hey, like, I. This was a mistake, like, this was a sin that I walked in and. But now, like, I want to repent of this and I want to walk in purity and I want to honor the Lord with our sex life and I'm really attracted to you and I want our, our sex life to be really healthy. I think taking that person at their word and, and not allowing the enemy to distort that is really important.
- [24:30]
Britt Nixon
And I think you'd be naive to think that that's not going to come up throughout your marriage and the enemy is going to want to use that to be like, oh, well, well, he did this or she did this, and.
- [24:38]
Alex Clark
Well, all sin has consequences.
- [24:39]
Britt Nixon
Exactly.
- [24:40]
Alex Clark
Yeah, you can be forgiven. But if you, you know, had a time in your life where you were walking apart from the Lord in that area, that's not going to go away just because you got married. Like, there will be things that come up. And I think what you guys are talking about is one aspect of that, bringing past sexual sin into a marriage and how you deal with it. But another way I can see it coming up is you've got one person who has more experience. It's inevitable that they're going. There might be some comparisons of like, well, I know what I like, and like, they're not figuring it out, you know, because they don't know what they're doing or I do know what I'm doing, like, do you guys ever see that in couples of just trying to walk through patients of like, you have a lifetime to figure this out?
- [25:17]
Kyler Nixon
I think that's why communication is so important. Right? And I think the church as a whole has done capital C. Church has done a bit of a disservice to engaged in dating couples and helping them talk about intimacy. And it's just been so taboo and. And you don't talk about this until you're married. And I think that hasn't been super healthy. And so I think couples that are walking through that and even couples who have made it to their wedding day and they have not had sex before, communication is important. Like, communication around sexual intimacy is so important. And continuously saying, hey, what do you like? Is that okay? Do you feel safe? Are we connecting in this way? How about our cadence? Are we being intimate enough? Are we being intimate too much? Like, all of those conversations I think are really healthy to have and will help you work through some of those things a lot faster.
- [26:01]
Alex Clark
When couples are doing premarital counseling, what are some green flags that show I think this person's really going to be a great spouse? And then what are some red flags that they should watch out for? In the context of premarital?
- [26:11]
Kyler Nixon
We. We see a lot of couples on the red flag side. If it's mostly men, just to be clear, but there are some women where we see this. If the guy doesn't want to go through premarital, I don't need that. I read this book. I talked to my pastor. I'm good. We see that a lot. That, that's a huge red flag, because typically they're hiding something that they think will come out in premarital, that they don't want to come out in premarital.
- [26:33]
Alex Clark
Do you think that that also would apply in the dating stage if you're like, hey, I want to surround myself with, you know, wiser, older couples in the church to just walk us through this dating stage, you know, hold us accountable, make sure we're doing things right, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, no, absolutely not. Why would you say that we need to be meeting with other couples?
- [26:52]
Kyler Nixon
I think that's a huge red flag. I think that's a red flag at any point in the relationship, even once you're. You're married, right? Because the Bible talks about surrounding yourself with wise counsel. And so if they're unwilling to do that when you're dating, my advice, if, like, somebody was asking me that right now, is I would say just dump them. And move on, because, like, it's. This isn't gonna work out well for you, right?
- [27:10]
Britt Nixon
It's just pride at the end of the day, you know? And, like, if you are unwilling to do that while you're dating for somebody you're trying to, like, put your best face on for, you know, you're not gonna do it 10 years down the road when you have kids. And there's, like, all of these other issues that have come up.
- [27:23]
Kyler Nixon
So, yeah, I think one major green flag is someone who's teachable, like, someone who goes through that process and on sort of the inverse of what we just talked about, they seek counsel. They meet with spiritual mentors. They want to, you know, read the books. They want to take the courses. They want to understand their spouse better, their future spouse better. I think that's a huge green flag because, again, if marriage is a sanctification process and a refining process, that means that you have to die to yourself every single day. And if you're not willing to sort of start doing that when you're engaged, like. Like, that's not gonna get easier when you're married.
- [27:56]
Alex Clark
What do you think some of your biggest disagreements were over in your first year of marriage?
- [28:02]
Kyler Nixon
Budget. Budget.
- [28:03]
Britt Nixon
Budget. I love coffee. I love tea. And so very quickly, we realized keeping a very tight budget and limiting my. Yeah, my coffee and tea, like, just. It just caused a lot of issues because, like, right away, you know, and I was still in school, so he. He was solely in college.
- [28:21]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah, high school.
- [28:22]
Britt Nixon
But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in. In college. And he. He was, you know, providing for us. And so there's like, this kind of weird shift of, like, I feel like I'm kind of spending his money. Like, do I need, like, all this permission to spend, like, his money? But, you know, at the end of the day, like, we're one. But it was like that weird mental shift of, like, this is. This is our money, and how do we. Like, how are we going to spend it?
- [28:45]
Kyler Nixon
You know, like, yeah, I think living together is also a huge adjustment because, again, most Christian couples aren't living together before. Before marriage. And so for us, like, thankfully, our sort of living styles are fairly similar, and we had also done the work ahead of time to say, hey, do you put the toilet paper over or under? Or, like, do you. What time do you wake up in the morning? Do you sleep with a fan? Like, all these different questions that we went through just to understand how each other truly lived before marriage. But that was still a challenge, right? Like, you're now sharing a bed and you've probably never had somebody else, you know, in your bed with you. Right. Or you're sharing a bathroom and you're, you know, experiencing life with another person in a way that you've just never had before. So even if you've talked about it, it that like, change can be really overwhelming.
- [29:26]
Britt Nixon
Well, one thing I just thought of too is so Kyler's a big sleep talker and I didn't, like, we didn't know that. And so our first, like, few weeks of marriage, like, I was not getting any sleep because he's just like, I was sleep talking. Yeah, he was sleep talking to us constantly. So we actually went to the doctor together to get him some, like, sleeping pills because, yeah, we had to medicate him because it was like, like neither of us were sleeping really well. And it obviously got better over time. But that's one thing we didn't really know about each other. And so we're navigating that on top of everything else. It just felt like a lot of.
- [29:53]
Alex Clark
So, so those little questions of like, do you like a pitch black? Do you wake up at this time? Do you snore? Like, those are actually valid questions you should ask in the dating stage.
- [30:04]
Kyler Nixon
1,000%.
- [30:05]
Britt Nixon
All of those things. Everything you can think of.
- [30:07]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah, we have, we have. In our, our course, we have an entire section on expectations because so many times you can trace the root of frustration in marriage or resentment in marriage back to an unmet expectation. And so if I'm expecting that we sleep with a fan or we sleep with it being pitch black, or have the tv or have the TV on or have a TV in the bedroom.
- [30:27]
Alex Clark
By the way, get out of your Satan if that's what you do.
- [30:30]
Kyler Nixon
All of the. But if I'm expecting any of those things to happen, and you could apply that to any area of marriage and then those things don't happen, well, I'm going to be frustrated. I'm going to build resentment if those things aren't addressed. And so we literally tell couples, like, ask each other as many questions as you possibly can before you get married, even if it's a little bit, bit silly, because it'll help you understand each other and it'll help you know what you actually both expect going into marriage.
- [30:56]
Alex Clark
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- [33:55]
Kyler Nixon
I think we talk about same team a lot, right? I mean, I think that's like, really important is couples need to understand that they're on the same team. It's not me versus you. It's me and you versus the conflict. So I think that's really important. One thing Britt does really well, which you can. Can talk about. The Bible tells us to be peacemakers, right. And so that is different than being a peacekeeper, which is just sort of allowing conflict to sort of dissipate. And. No, we're not going to talk about it. Right. And so, I don't know, you want to talk about being a peacemaker and kind of what that looks like in marriage.
- [34:24]
Britt Nixon
Yeah, I think just like, knowing that my way is now is the highway, you know, and like, what. What matters more right now in this moment? Is it me being right or is it my spouse who I love? And so we say this a lot too, but that in conflict, it's you and your spouse versus the conflict and not you versus your spouse. So that's. That's another good way to.
- [34:44]
Alex Clark
I think I saw that recently somebody made a tick tock or something and they were like, you know, in the middle of a. It's starting to get heated. As soon as it starts to get heated, the first person to realize that it's. It's escalating is supposed to stop and say, same team.
- [34:57]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah.
- [34:58]
Alex Clark
And then it kind of like diffuses the situation and kind of is that reminder. But they had made that rule in the beginning of their marriage. Like, hey, when we start to feel tensions rising, the first person who notice that has to say same team. To kind of just like, reset the situation so that we can tackle it respectfully.
- [35:13]
Britt Nixon
For sure. And it's good to we say this too, but it's good to take a time out. Like, it's okay to take a time out. A lot of times, you know, some of us are internal processors and some of us are external processors. And for me, I'm internal and he's external. Meaning, like, when there's conflict, like, I like, kind of retreat and I need to, like, figure out, like, my thoughts and process things. Inside. And he needs to do it, like, right away in the moment, in a conflict. And so we say to yield to the internal processor and take, like, 15 minutes, like, go in separate rooms, cool down. Like, you're way less likely to say things that you're gonna regret and speak unkindly to your spouse when you have time to just, like, process and cool down.
- [35:52]
Alex Clark
Teach us how a married couple is supposed to fight.
- [35:55]
Kyler Nixon
I think ultimately, even in conflict, it's an opportunity for you to draw closer to your spouse and an opportunity for you to honor the Lord. And so if that's a mindset that you have, have whenever there's conflict. And, like, we. We have conflict, like, every. And we help couples navigate conflict, right? So every single married couple is going to experience conflict. And if you haven't experienced conflict, you probably got married yesterday, right? And so understanding that it's an opportunity to honor your spouse, it's an opportunity to honor the Lord, I think is. Is first and foremost. Second of all, I think that we need to understand that we need to listen before we speak, right? People talk about that a lot, but I think one thing that isn't talked about a lot is saying, I more than you. We tell couples that all the time. So take ownership over your own feelings. So if we're in a conflict, I'm not going to say, you do this, or you always make me feel this way, or you, whatever. I'm going to take responsibility for how I'm feeling, right? I feel frustrated that this happened, or I feel disrespected or overlooked that this thing happened. Giving both of you then, an opportunity to share so Brit then can share, hey, this is how I feel about it. And then I think the last step is coming together and saying, okay, well, how are we going to navigate this? What's the compromise that I might need to make? Do I need to apologize? Do you need to apologize? And oftentimes we both need to apologize for something, right? And then understanding, okay, how can we move on in a respectful. A respectful way? We. This is a little, like, weird when we tell couples this, but we never yell at each other. We've. We've not raised our voice one single time. We've never yelled at each other. I've never yelled at her. She's never yelled at me. And so if you're a couple, especially one who follows the Lord, and you're thinking, well, that's just part of conflict. My parents yelled at each other. And so that's just sort of how we walk in conflict. We've never done that. Like, and we've just made it a promise to each other to say, we're not going to yell during conflict. We're not going to fight during conflict. Because you don't have to. Like, that's not the point. When you start yelling, that's where pride enters. That's where I need to be. Right. Like, that's where that enters. And you're sort of checking your selflessness at the door. And you're checking your humility at the door.
- [37:50]
Britt Nixon
Yeah. Or belittling each other or cussing. Like, none of that stuff's appropriate in a. In an argument. Agreement. It's never appropriate at any point in time in a marriage.
- [37:57]
Alex Clark
I think, too, one of the scariest things during disagreements in a relationship is somebody speaking at the other with contempt. I think that's one of the most hurtful things. And. And I've read could be one of the biggest indicators of divorce.
- [38:14]
Kyler Nixon
Sure. I. I think, again, that goes back to what I said. Usually, contempt or resentment doesn't happen overnight. Right. And so typically, if you look back on the progression of how you got there, there's a series of things that have gone unsaid, that have gone sort of unrealized. A lot of times we go into marriage with unconscious expectations that were shaped by our family or by society or previous relationships or our friends or. Or whatever. And so those types of things come into marriage, and if they're not addressed and if they're not handled, then it breeds contempt, it breeds resentment. And so that's why it's so important during the dating engage. And even now, us, like, seven and a half years in the marriage, marriage, we talk about, what do you expect? When we were coming on the show, we said, okay, how do you expect this to go? Or how. How will we make sure that we're not talking over each other, whatever those things are? Because we want to make sure that we're on the same page. We want to make sure that those expectations are clear and that we're not allowing a foothold for resentment or contempt.
- [39:09]
Alex Clark
What are the different apology styles? And how do you find out what you are and what your spouse is?
- [39:14]
Britt Nixon
Yeah. So there's five different apology languages. We call them or styles.
- [39:19]
Kyler Nixon
These are created by Dr. Gary Chapman. Just to be clear, we did not.
- [39:21]
Alex Clark
This is the love language guy.
- [39:22]
Kyler Nixon
Love language guy. He also created apology languages. Oh, yes. Okay.
- [39:27]
Alex Clark
I see. I've never done this. Quit. I've never done this because of his.
- [39:30]
Britt Nixon
Yeah, it's really good. So there's five different ones. You'll have to help me list them off.
- [39:33]
Kyler Nixon
But yeah, I mean, explain the basic concept of apology languages.
- [39:37]
Britt Nixon
Yeah, so just like how, if you've heard of love languages, right? Which it sounds like you have, we give and receive love in different ways, right? So for me, it's like quality time or acts of service. For him, them. It's about all of them except for gifts. So, yeah, and apologies language is the same idea. So, you know, some people might need to be apologized and by, you know, saying, I'm so sorry, I really regret that I did that. I feel really bad that I did that. And some people, like, might be okay with, oh, hey, I'll. I'll make this up to you. Let me. Let me do it this way. There's different ways that you can receive an apology. And until you receive that apology in the way that you need it, you might not feel like that argument is over. And you might feel like you never really got anywhere. Or what can be called it, like an argument hangover, for example.
- [40:22]
Alex Clark
Wow, that's so eye opening.
- [40:24]
Kyler Nixon
So again, Dr. Gary Chapman created these. You can look up apology languages and you'll find it. There's a quiz online, just like love languages. So I want to be very clear that we're not creating these, but again, five apology languages. So you have accepting responsibility. That's my apology language. I don't really need all the song and dance. I just need you to take responsibility for the things that you did. Did wrong.
- [40:42]
Alex Clark
Like, I need song and dance.
- [40:44]
Kyler Nixon
Okay. All right.
- [40:44]
Alex Clark
I need you to feed me grapes. Y. I want a foot rub. I want you to tell me how beautiful I am. You're so sorry. How could you ever make me cry? Kiss me on the forehead 100 times. Like, I need that. All of it.
- [40:54]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah. So we'll get. We'll. We'll get to yours then, Alex. So, yeah, so there's accepting responsibility. There's genuinely repenting, which is, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to do that again. Right? There's expressing regret, which is I'm really sorry. There's requesting forgiveness, which is from just simply saying, will you forgive me? Right. And then the last one is. Is yours. Right? Which is just. They need you to really make up for it. Like, they need you to show you that. That, you know, I'm not gonna do that again. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna make up for it. I'm gonna go take an ice cream.
- [41:24]
Alex Clark
Yeah, I was just gonna say I'm really Sorry. You want to go get some ice cream, Correct? Yes, that's me.
- [41:29]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah. Okay, that's. Can see now that you know that.
- [41:31]
Alex Clark
But no, I literally, I didn't even know that was a thing of having a different apology style. And knowing that is so freaking helpful. Wow.
- [41:41]
Kyler Nixon
I literally remember us figuring that out. We, we were maybe within a first, like three or four months of marriage and we were in a conflict and it was something stupid. I don't even remember what it was about, but it was like we were sort of saying, I'm sorry, but I didn't feel apologized to. And I was saying I'm sorry, and she didn't feel apologized too. And then we had, I think around that time we had read about the apology languages and how Britt wants to be apologized to is I need to take ownership over how I made her feel. Right. And so, hey, I'm so sorry that I, you know, upset you or that I frustrated you or, or caused you to be like overwhelmed by this or whatever. And again, I need to have accept accepting responsibility. I need her to say, I'm sorry, this was my fault. I, I did this wrong. And so once we then in that argument said, hey, you know what, here's how I'm gonna apologize to you and you apologize to me. It was like immediately.
- [42:29]
Britt Nixon
It's so disarming. Like, it's just so disarming.
- [42:32]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah. And so I think that's a game changer for couples. And if you're sitting here and you're saying, I feel like our conflict never fully feels resolved, it's typically because you aren't apologizing to your partner in the way that they need you to.
- [42:47]
Alex Clark
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Britt Nixon
Tired.
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Alex Clark
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- [45:23]
Britt Nixon
Spiritual Intimacy Like a quick definition of spiritual intimacy, which is what you're referring to is pursuing Jesus. And then spiritual intimacy in marriage is just pursuing Jesus together. So a few ways that you can do that is by just going to church together, right? Like praying together before bed or throughout the day praying over your spouse. Like reading your Bible together. Like all of those things that seem pretty simple but it's just, it's really just pursuing the Lord together. Hey, what did you learn? Or hey, I really feel like I wanted to encourage you today and, and share this verse with you or whatever that looks like.
- [45:57]
Kyler Nixon
I know you're. You like research and you like like stats and reporting and data and stuff. Have you Seen the study that showed that less than 1% of churchgoing Christians who pray together regularly get divorced.
- [46:10]
Alex Clark
Makes sense.
- [46:10]
Kyler Nixon
Isn't that crazy? So, so when you look at that, that's spiritual intimacy. Like, spiritual intimacy doesn't need to be some big, heady theological thing. It's, are you going to church together? Are you reading your Bible together? Are you praying together? Are you worshiping together? Are you serving together? Right? All of those things are chasing after Jesus together.
- [46:28]
Alex Clark
When you're in the dating stage, or even the premarital stage, you're engaged and you're trying to talk about different boundaries and expectations. I think in a Christian relationship, you want to have some hard conversations about sex and expectations while also not tripping the other person up to get lustful, right? Or, like, get them thinking about things, but you also need to talk about things. So, like, when it comes to setting sexual expectations and talking about boundaries, how do you do that fine line without prompting them into sin before you're married?
- [47:08]
Britt Nixon
I mean, we always encourage couples to start that. That conversation, like, probably a month before the wedding. So first of all, like, that's not really an appropriate conversation to have. You're dating. But as you approach the wedding and maybe the wedding night and honeymoon, you know, conversations like, hey, what do you expect us to do? Like, where do you expect us to go for our wedding night? Like, for us, we really wanted to go. Well, I really wanted to go to, like, a nice spa, you know, and, like, Kylie was okay with going to the Motel 6. Like, it was like.
- [47:37]
Kyler Nixon
What are you going to say?
- [47:38]
Britt Nixon
You know, like. But it's like those things where it's like, what do you expect our wedding night to look like? Like, it doesn't have to be the.
- [47:43]
Kyler Nixon
In.
- [47:43]
Britt Nixon
In like, vivid detail, but other things, too, is like talking about your sexual history like we had talked about earlier, that's important to disclose, like, before, you know, your wedding night also. And. But you can have those conversations in a tactful way and in a way that honors the Lord. And it's not like.
- [48:00]
Alex Clark
So you think those. Those conversations should happen once engagement has happened. Not in the dating stage.
- [48:05]
Kyler Nixon
We. We think about, like, there's sort of levels, right? So when you're dating, I think the advice that we would give to dating couples is talk about some level of sexual history. Now, now, you need to be careful here because you don't need to get into all the details. Like, you don't need to share every.
- [48:18]
Alex Clark
Single thing, not the details. Or, like, paint a picture. But, like, for example, do you think that it's important for a woman to ask the guy she's dating in a Christian relationship, when was the last time you looked at porn?
- [48:28]
Kyler Nixon
Sure.
- [48:28]
Britt Nixon
Yeah, I think that's important.
- [48:30]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah, definitely. And then I think boundaries while dating. Right? So. So looking backward, I think is important while you're dating and saying, what. What did this look like? And what was this sort of past like for you? And then what are the boundaries that we're setting in our relationship? What are the boundaries that you're setting individually for us to, again, like, honor the Lord with our purity? It's not about, like, how far is too far. And it's not about, like, checking some box. It's ultimately saying, like, God designed sex. He created it for marriage, and we want to honor him in that, and we want to receive that gift in its entirety. And so how do we do that while we're dating? And so I think those are the conversations you have while you're dating. Engagement. Those conversations start to, again, look ahead a little bit. It. For couples that are engaged for a year or. Or longer, like, it's not super helpful to start talking about your wedding night, because that's where I think you start getting into, like, the lust versus, like, boundary conversation. Because, again, you're a year out, you're six months out. Like, it's not that helpful. Like, you're gonna start talking about things that are, like, ultimately putting you in a position that you probably don't. Don't want to be in. So that's why we say about a month before the marriage, maybe two months before the marriage, starting to talk about what is our sex life as a married couple going to look like? Look like. What do we expect to happen? What do we expect our wedding night to look like? What do we expect our honeymoon to look like? Those conversations become a little bit more manageable when the, you know, quote, unquote finish line is, is in sight.
- [49:43]
Alex Clark
Once you are married, how do you encourage couples to protect intimacy and emotional closeness from the chaos of life and work and family expectations?
- [49:53]
Britt Nixon
I think just, like, making it a priority in your marriage and also, I mean, on the other side, too, is just protecting your spouse by not, like, disclosing things to other people too. Like, you want to protect your privacy, too, and make your spous feel really safe. Like, not only just in, like, with intimacy, but also in your whole relationship too, like, being a safe spouse.
- [50:14]
Alex Clark
And that brings me to something that I thought was interesting to ask. Is it crucial to seek advice from a pastor or older married Couple at church versus family or friends.
- [50:26]
Britt Nixon
I think so, yeah.
- [50:28]
Kyler Nixon
It's. It's a little tough. So what I want to be careful of, because anytime we kind of answer this type of question or we talk about this, this, we'll get people who say, well, what about spouses who are in an abusive relationship or an abusive situation? Like, if that's the case, like, you need to get help. Like, you need to, like, go. Go to whoever can help you. Right. If you're in a normal relationship and you're navigating conflict and you're sort of trying to figure out. I can't. Can't quite get over this hump or we can't quite figure this out in the dating stage. In the, in any stage, really. What, what I would say again, is there's. There's levels there. Dating, totally fine. Go to your parents. Like, it's okay to navigate that with your parents. Engagement. Engagement still okay to go to your family, but you want to start thinking about, how can I protect my spouse? When you're married, it's never. We think it's generally never okay to go to your family if your spouse hasn't given you permission to do that. Because what ends up happening is if I go to my parents and I say, man, Brit made me so mad and she did this thing, well, what's going to happen? My parents are going to be frustrated and upset with Brit. They're going to take my side. We're going to, you know, work through the conflict, and we're going to be fine. But they're still going to be harboring that resentment. And so that's dishonoring to my spouse, House, if I'm kind of going behind her back and getting advice from people that she hasn't, you know, sort of allowed me to, to give that advice. But as far as, like, is there a hierarchy of good advice out there? Like, we go to our parents a lot. Like, we don't necessarily go to, like, our pastor. Yeah. Together. Or, hey, is it okay if I reach out to your dad about that thing? Or is it okay if I, you know, talk to my parents about this thing or whatever? And generally we're okay with that. We don't necessarily feel the need. Need, at least in our relationship to have to go to a pastor. But again, there's a lot of value in that. There's value in going to counseling, there's value in going to therapy. Like, all those things are important. But again, it's. We're approaching this together. We're on the Same team. And are you okay with us doing it in this way?
- [52:09]
Alex Clark
What are your all's rules for how much you share about your marriage with your friends when you're, when you're apart from each other?
- [52:16]
Britt Nixon
I think if it, if it's not something you would say in front of your spouse, it's not something you should say to your friends.
- [52:21]
Kyler Nixon
I'm a huge, I'm a huge fan of talking behind Brit's back in a positive way. So, like, I will tell my man, Brit is such a good mom. Like, man, Brit is like, I can't believe she's like, you know, cleaned the house when I got home, or I can't believe she did this or she's letting me do this, or she's, and I will really hype her up because I want my friends or I want family to see Brit and have such a positive impression of her that nothing else matters. And so as far as, like, negative talk, we, we already addressed that, right? Like, I'm not going to go to my friends, I'm not going to go to my family and say, man, I'm dealing with this thing at home. Because again, that's dishonoring to Brit. As far as, like, talking about our sex lives, we also don't do that. Like, I, I think that's very dishonoring to like, go, you know, chum it up with your buddies and like, talk about what intimacy looks like in your marriage. Because again, if you wouldn't say it in front of your spouse, you probably shouldn't say it in front of your friends.
- [53:09]
Alex Clark
Do you think that it's important in the dating stage to ask the person you're dating how they would discipline their content kids?
- [53:15]
Britt Nixon
Dating stage? I mean, I think so, right? Wouldn't you say? I mean, mostly engagement, but I, I.
- [53:22]
Kyler Nixon
I generally think of dating as the time to get to know this other person in as many environments as you possibly can. And so I, I like, love it when people are around kids together or when they're around, you know, different environments or different situations. That's why, you know, is it okay to travel together? I think that's good. Again, within those boundaries, to sort of navigate, Navigate what is this person like? And so I think that's a good use of your time in dating. Some of those things are not necessarily fruitful if they're not deal breakers, right? So I think it's okay to ask some of those questions and navigate those things as long as you're both clear that that might change over time or kind of Depending on their answer, like they're, you're okay with continuing the relationship.
- [54:01]
Alex Clark
If you could give one piece of advice to couples about to enter their first year of marriage that they may not hear somewhere else, what would happen.
- [54:07]
Britt Nixon
It be, I think, lead with service, right? Like, I mean the you there's like marriage will be so much easier when you are leading with service and you're serving your spouse and just waking up every day. Like, I'm going to choose to serve you even if I don't really like you right now, or I'm going to choose to love you even if I don't really like you right now.
- [54:26]
Kyler Nixon
I think in general too like this, they probably have heard this a lot, but I'm just continuing to reiterate like chasing after Jesus as fast as you can and challenging your spouse to keep, keep up like that to me is like everything else will sort of sort itself out. Like if I'm trying to look more like Jesus, it makes it so much easier to serve my spouse, right? If I'm trying to look more like Jesus, it becomes so much easier to navigate conflict. If I'm trying to look more like Jesus, it becomes so much easier to look at my wife with love and respect and honor, right? And so that is again, it's a little cliche. I'm sure people hear that a lot, but it's, it's true. Like chase after Jesus as fast as you can. Challenge your spouse to keep up.
- [55:00]
Alex Clark
Any advice for dealing with nightmare in law in laws?
- [55:02]
Kyler Nixon
I think you first have to understand is this in law truly toxic or are you just like frustrated with them? Because we'll get people who say my in laws are so toxic or they're a nightmare, they're whatever else I'm marrying into this family. And really it's like that sounds like a mother in law who feels like she's about to lose her son, right? Like she's maybe just acting out or you, you know, she's a little bit frustrated or whatever. So I think boundaries are really healthy with, with in laws and some of those practically that couples might think about instilling. Hey, don't drop by unannounced, right? Money is another one that we see couples kind of cross into weird boundary issues where her dad is sending her money and, and the husband doesn't know it and all that stuff. I'm not saying it's not okay for that to happen, but it might be an area that you want to kind of navigate boundaries around conflict. Do we talk to our parents about Conflict, like we said, I don't think that's, you know, appropriate if your spouse isn't, isn't on board with it. So setting boundaries is really important. Important. Second, understanding you're probably not going to be best friends with your in laws and that's okay. But ultimately a healthy relationship with your in laws is a blessing to your spouse. And so it's okay to not be besties with your in laws. It's okay to not want to spend every holiday and every like, waking moment with them, but figure out how can I build a healthy relationship with them. And then, like we've been saying, serve your in laws. I know that's such a weird thing to like, think about when you go over there for holidays or when you're hanging out for Sunday dinner, like, be the first one to jump up and, you know, do the dishes. Be the first one to offer to bring over dinner. Be the first one to help, be the first one to serve. Right? And doing that is just such a gift to your spouse because again, even if you're not hanging out with your in laws all the time, there's, there's a way that you can serve and love them regardless.
- [56:41]
Alex Clark
What are some books that you guys like to recommend for newly engaged couples or soon to be engaged couples?
- [56:46]
Kyler Nixon
There's so many, there's so many good ones out there. Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas is a really popular one that gets recommended. Did probably the most like Close to How We Operate is Ready or not by Scott Kadirsha. And Scott was one of our marriage mentors when we went through engagement. He's at Watermark Church in, in Dallas. And it's super practical. It's just conversations that you need to go through when you're engaged. So that's a great book. Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married by Gary Thomas is awesome.
- [57:13]
Britt Nixon
Love languages.
- [57:13]
Kyler Nixon
Love Languages is good. Languages and apology languages are in that book. Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married. Married. So there's a ton of great engaged books out there. I also think, like, reading marriage books is okay too. Like for, for couples. I can't have any, like great ones off the cuff. But I, I think there's definitely some really good premarital books out there.
- [57:32]
Alex Clark
And what resources do you guys offer couples who are looking to work with you?
- [57:35]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah, yeah.
- [57:35]
Britt Nixon
So we have an online premarital course that's got seven modules. We just revamped it. We have a 85 course or, sorry, 85 page course workbook that comes with it.
- [57:46]
Kyler Nixon
It bunch of resources within the course. So we are not therapists. Like, we're not really even counselors and we're not pastors. Right. So our goal is to just make content that is incredibly practical that dating, engaged and newly married couples can consume and be like, oh, okay, that's what that means. And that's how I actually walk that out. So like Brett said, we have an online self paced premarital course. It takes about two, two and a half hours. Seven modules covering things like communication, conflict, intimacy, God's design for marriage, what is submission, what is headship like, all those different things that couples navigate, finances, sexual and spiritual intimacy. So that's our kind of main place that we point couples to, is to our, our course. And then within that we've got our workbook, we've got a bunch of bonus downloads, like the ultimate guide to the Wedding Night and Honeymoon.
- [58:31]
Alex Clark
Nice.
- [58:32]
Kyler Nixon
That's like, if you want a maybe not quite rated R, but like a PG13 version of like, what can you expect on your honeymoon?
- [58:38]
Britt Nixon
Like, what do you need to bring? Like, what do you expect if you've never had sex before? Like, the list of things that you, you need for that. And that's good.
- [58:44]
Alex Clark
That's a good idea.
- [58:45]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah.
- [58:45]
Alex Clark
And where can people get this?
- [58:46]
Kyler Nixon
They can get on our website, love your first year dot com. And just click the course button.
- [58:50]
Alex Clark
Okay, cool. And then where do they find you on social media?
- [58:52]
Kyler Nixon
At love your first year, we hang out on Instagram. We haven't gotten into the other channels.
- [58:57]
Britt Nixon
That's good.
- [58:57]
Kyler Nixon
I don't know. We just never left Instagram.
- [58:59]
Alex Clark
So.
- [59:00]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah.
- [59:00]
Alex Clark
If you guys could offer one remedy to heal a sick culture emotionally, physically or spiritually, what would it be?
- [59:09]
Kyler Nixon
Yeah, we, we believe that healthy marriages are the cornerstone of healthy churches. And healthy churches is. I'm probably going to get a little emotional, but are. Are the cornerstone of healthy communities. Right. And so there's so many resources out there. And I think the church does a pretty good job of helping couples who are navigating divorce or navigating conflict. They don't do a great job of helping couples upstream. Right. The divorce rate in the church is still similar to the. The divorce rate outside of the church. Right. And so how can we get upstream and help couples who are dating and engage prepare for marriage so that they can have an incredible first year of marriage, an incredible second year of marriage, Marriage and beyond. And so I would say, like, that's really our heart and the heart behind why we started Love youe first Year and why we spend so much time talking with dating and engaged couples is we want them to prepare well so they can have a great marriage, so they can get plugged into a great church, and so that they can be a part of a great community.
- [59:59]
Alex Clark
Kyler and Britt, thanks for coming on Culture Apothecary.
- [60:01]
Kyler Nixon
Thanks Alex. Really appreciate it.
- [60:06]
Alex Clark
If you are newly engaged or you're about to be, you can go to love your first year.com course and use code ALEX to get $20 off their premarital course, which includes a ton of questions to ask each other on a myriad of topics before getting married. That's love your first year.com course and use code ALEX to get $20 off their premarital course. We're healing a sick culture physically, emotionally and spiritually. Mondays and Thursdays at 9pm Eastern, 6pm Pacific. Please leave a five star review. Tell others why they should listen to Culture Apothecary. Subscribe to Real Alex Clark on YouTube and follow me on Instagram at Real Alex Clark in the show at Culture Apothecary. I'm Alex Clark and this is Culture Apothecary.